01x07 - Rush and Pledge

[bunniefuu]

Ha ha. How was I
supposed to know?

He said it was a bean.
Looked like a bean.

I don't know if you're allowed

to have a rabbit hutch
in a dorm.

Didn't you smell it?

Something's wrong
with you, man.

Hey, guys. I got
nothing to do today.

Can I borrow a movie?

Yeah. Huh?

Sure.

I mean, if you guys
don't mind, I don't mind.

Thank you.

You guys... I don't mind.

No, I don't mind.

Ooh, wait. Don't take
dead man on campus.

I just watched it last week.

Fine.

How about this one?

Yeah, that one's good.

Ok.

Wicked.

Ok. Thanks, guys.

We'll bring it back
tomorrow, ok?

Bye-bye.
Thank you.

That was awesome.

That was pretty cool, I think.

Awesome that was not.

Why not?
Why wasn't it?

I've been thinking
this may happen for a while,

but this is sooner
than I thought.

We have become their brothers.

So?

So I understand,
where you're from,

being someone's brother

may not necessarily eliminate
sexual possibilities,

but, uh, for ron, myself,
and steven, this spells trouble.

No. It doesn't really
spell trouble for me.

Lizzie broke up with eric.
Why aren't you going after her?

Because she wants her freedom.

Because I want my freedom.

Why focus on one
fish in the school

when there's tons...

be quiet, steven.

You're just afraid
of commitment.
That's cool.

All right, how about this:

I'm exploring my options.

Ok, lizzie, your right hand...
those are your options.

I don't know why
you're laughing, ron.

I got it covered.

Oh, you do?

Whoa, wait. Does ron
have a secret?

My name is kelly,

and I'll be happy to answer
all of your questions,

but I will ask
that you'll save them
till the end of the tour

so we can get through this
as fast as possible.

Ok, right now,
I'm gonna stop here

so that we can take
a look at this building.

This is one of the oldest
buildings on this campus,

and it also happens...

Her name is kelly.

She's got a lot of friends.

She's a student tour guide,
you moron.

She tours visitors
around the school.

So, uh,
introduce us.

I've never actually
spoken to her, you know.

But I know everything
I need to.

Look, she's cute,
she's enthusiastic,

she has a good sense

of the location
of landmarks, you know.

I bet you
don't have to worry

about picking a dorm, do you?

'Cause, what, you're
in grad school now?

Look how well
she deals with kids.

This has been already

the most fulfilling
relationship I've ever had.

Ron, take a look at that.

Hi, sweetie.

Um, lizzie was one
of my freshman...

Lizzie's friends with her?

Oh, no, that's good.
Now you can meet her.

I don't wanna meet her.

Talking'll ruin it.
Right now, she's perfect.

I don't wanna change
that image, ok?

Lizzie!

God! You guys
know nothing about women!

And lizzie's
got a lot of friends.

You can see she's
adjusting just fine,

so, parents, don't worry.

Hey. Rocking out
in the party room?

Would you care
for a free beverage?

Oh, sure. Yes,
thank you very much.

The guy who stocks the machine

went to the bathroom
in the middle,

so I grabbed out 40 cans.

I've never been in here before.

Is this, like, a regular room?

Yeah. It used to be
the laundry room,

but now they just
use it for storage.

There were no rooms left
when I registered.

They gave me this.
It sucks.

Sucks it does not. I pay
half the regular rent.

And all I have to do
is keep those mops
in here

and some boxes
of that stuff
they put on vomit.

Aah. Yeah, it's hot.

Isn't that awesome?

I can keep my room


than the rest
of the rooms on campus.

It gives the girls
a little bit
of incentive

to de-layer.

You have total recall?

Totally.

This is the most awesome
movie ever made.

The best part is when
their space helmets
break

and the harsh
mars atmosphere
sucks out their eyes.

And he's all like...

I love that. Or when the
mutants are suffocating.

And he's all like, "cohaagen,
give the people air.

Give the people air."

Hey, jack.

Hello, perry.

That guy is so old school.

Ok, we get them to play
truth or dare with us.

Truth or dare?
What will that do?

We'll all work together.

We'll dare each other
to do things that
make us look good,

which will lead
to you know what.

I'm talking copulation,
marshall.

Are you going for rachel?

I don't know.

What kind of answer
is that, huh?

I put my time in, man.

You can't just swoop in like
some kind of blond peacock.

Look, I'm confused by these
feelings, too, marshall.

I don't know what to tell you.

You know what? She likes me
more, anyway, way more.

Yeah, that's really
possible, you know.

Women are difficult to predict.

All right, guys.
See you on friday.

You better call me, ok?

Rachel's sweet and funny, man.

She's got a huge rack.

So huge.
I love it. Oh.

Mmm.

What up?
How you doing?

She's so horny.

Hey, bro.
Oh, she'd do anything.

Clearly no limit.

Dude, you know I got dibs.

Who the hell were they?

You know what I think
we should do.

It's ridiculous, ron.

We're like their sisters.

We're one step away
from getting
manicures with them.

Yeah, but it's
not too late, see?

Truth or dare can fix all that.

Why would I wanna have
anything to do with this?

We need an excuse
to get them over here.

So we were thinking that
you could get lizzie

to get everyone to
hang out tomorrow night

so that you could meet kelly.

Yeah, that is, you know,
that's great. Ok.

While I'm at it,

why don't I take the dream
image I have of kelly

and put it in the toilet
and poop all over it?

No. Ok? No.

Ron, come on, help us out here.

Yeah. This is gonna
benefit all of us, ron.

You're going for rachel, too.

Why are you even
doing this, marshall?

'Cause I'm gonna get her, man.

That's what you don't get, ok?

I'm telling you,
it's not ill*gal.

Hey, steve, I know
you're up for a game
of truth or dare

tomorrow night
with the ladies,
am I right?

Truth or dare?

You guys are looking to hook
up with some pigeons.

What?

Hey, why don't
you just bet them
to have sex with you?

'Cause that's clever, too.

Heh heh heh heh.

Oh, damn.

What, did you see a kitty

or find a sticker
on the ground
or something?

No, silly. Kelly said
she'd love to hang out.

What?

Yeah, lloyd and
marshall told me

how you have a crush on her

and how you want me
to bring her over tonight.

It was so cute.

They told you that?

And she said yes.

So we're all
coming over at 8:00.

I'm gonna go that way.
I'll see you tonight.

Ok. Great.
I'll see you then.

I'm gonna k*ll them.
I'm gonna k*ll them.

So I've been hanging out
a lot with perry.

Oh, yeah?
The guy's really awesome.

He's got, like, pretty much
the coolest video collection
I've ever seen.

I wanted to wash these jeans.

Right. So, um...

And, uh...

This machine is
the trickiest one
on campus.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Um, all right.

Ooh, don't put that in
with your whites.

Give it to me.

We'll put it in my load.
I'm doing colors.

I have to go...
there's plenty of space.

It'll be fine.
I gotta get going.

All right, see you later.

Good-bye.

I don't want
your favors, ok, man?

The plan doesn't even work.

If we say we wanna play
truth or dare,

then they'll see
right through us. Why?

It does work if it
seems spontaneous.

See, we, like, write
a script or something,

and then we say stuff

that leads to a game
of spontaneous truth or dare.

No. Ok? How's that sound?

No. Forget it.
I'm not going. Ok?

Fine. We'll just
tell kelly that
you're not interested.

You... aah! Fine. Ok.

If we're writing this script,

I'm writing it.

You guys are
both stupid idiots.

You're fools.

Ok.

Guys, I'm ready to rehearse.
Let's do this thing.

Hello.

Whoa. What are you
doing here?

I guess I'm here
to learn my lines.

What lines?

There's so many lies
going on tonight,

I wouldn't wanna
fumble anything.

By the way,
pretty clever
using kelly

to get them
all here. Kelly...

excellent choice.
Nice fingers.

You're eating my peanut butter.

Yeah, I prefer crunchy.

Hey, ronnie, how's it going?

Perry, you want
another sandwich?

Of course, buddy.

Awesome.
Awesome.

He says he has lines.

Oh, yeah. Perry's gonna
chill with us tonight.

He's a crack-up.

Yeah, crack-up.

I just can't imagine
how he has lines

considering, you know,
I wrote the script.

Yeah, I made some changes.

Oh.

I think you'll
find them hilarious.

Oh. Hmm. You gave him
one of my lines.

It's cool, ron.
It's cool.

Why would you invite him?

Man, I mean, this...
this thing we're doin'

is ridiculous
to begin with, ok?

We don't need
any weird, creepy dudes
in the mix here, ok?

You think you're
the only one
who's nervous?

I live across the hall
from a girl who I like a lot,

and she rejected me.

What if, like, tonight,

she has to strip or, like,
make out with somebody?

Like, that's horrible.

This could ruin our lives.

Yep. Yeah.

You know
your lines?

No... yes.

Then don't try
any funny stuff
with rachel.

Yeah, she's ours.

Yes, she's for us.

Ooh, kinky.

Hey, guys.

Hey, what's up?
What's up?

Oh, you really look stunning.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah. Yeah,
you look, uh,

you look really,
really stunning.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.
You're welcome.

Do you want a c*ck?

No, that's ok.
I can get my own drink.

Are you sure?
I make a great
"sex on the beach."

Uh, it's ok.

Yeah, that was smooth.

I'm not afraid
of you, lloyd.
I'm feelin' good.

Hey, ron.

Lizzie, hey.
Hey.

This is my friend kelly.

Hey. It's nice
to meet you.

Kelly. Oh, that's...

that's gaelic for, uh,
church or, uh, or warrior.

Oh. I have to go
say hi to steven.

So...

Let's get this tea boiling.

Hey, why don't we,
uh, sit down for a bit?

All right.

I think we should sit down.

Why don't
we go sit down?

Ok.

All right.

Whoa, wait.
What was that?

Oh, oh, nothing.

No, I saw that.
You just told
a secret.

Yeah, I saw that, too.

Perry...

Yes, I saw that, as well.

What was the secret?

What did you say?

I didn't say anything.

Ron, what did he say?

I can't.

How dare you not tell me.

The truth is,
you really should tell.

Well, the truth
of the matter is,
steven,

that I cannot dare tell.

Just tell us!

Yeah, just tell us.

No.

No. Come on.
It was private.

I dare you
to tell.
You can't do that.

Sure he can.
No, he can't.

You can't
just go throwin'
around dares.

It's not like
we're playing
a game here.

Well, then, why don't
we play a game?

Of truth or dare?

Yeah, let's play truth or dare,

and we'll start with lloyd
telling the secret.

No. I'm not
gonna do that.

I don't think
that's such
a good idea.

No.

No way.
No, I don't know

if that's such a good idea.

Oh, come on.

Ok.

Ok, that'll be fun.
Ok, let's start now, yeah.

Ok, yeah, ok.
It's ok.
We'll do it.

It's stupid, it's stupid,

but if that's the dare,
then that's the dare.

Last week, I borrowed
marshall's pants.

In the pocket, I found
a video store receipt

for dude,
where's my car?

It's a funny movie,
and I like to laugh.

Did you, uh,
enjoy the 14 pornos

you rented at the same time?

Marshall!

That's disgusting.

Is there a new script?

He wasn't supposed to say that.

Man, that's really
funny, lloyd.

That's really, really funny.

So I guess
it's my turn
to dare now?

♪ London bridge
is falling down ♪

♪ falling down, falling down ♪

tell me, ronald.

What do you look for in a lady?

Uh, well, uh, I like my ladies,

uh, to be, uh, good leaders,
and uh, caring,

and, you know, someone
who could, uh,

really guide me
throughout my endeavors.




No moil, no moil.

Give me 5 minutes.


And that is the most
I've ever puked.

That's awesome.
That's a ton
of puke.

Yeah. I didn't
even know

the stomach
held that much,
you know?

Yeah.
I've never...

- Right?
- Right.

Ok, rachel, go.
It's your turn.

Ok, perry.
Truth or dare?

Uh, I'll go with
the truth on this one.

Ok, um...

Where is
the strangest place
you've ever had sex?

Yeah.
All right.

Uh, is nowhere considered
a strange place?

That's an abstract
answer. It's weird.

Yeah, come on.
You have to answer it.

Yeah.

I mean...
I've never had sex.

That's cool.
That's cool.

You've had sex?

Yes, yes, I've had...
I've had some sex.

How did you do that?

Uh, I... I don't
want to talk about this.

Hey, steven,

truth or dare?
What?

Dare.

Ok,
I dare you to tell us

about your most memorable
sexual experience.

Yeah, come on.

Be honest.

Uh, uh, ok. This,
uh, all right, fine.

Uh, my best sexual experience,

uh, it was very unexpected,

so that made it good,

and, uh, she was
just really special
to me.

You know, she,
uh, she helped me
out of, like, a bad

emotional situation, you know?

It was... it was great.

Wow.

Lizzie, how about you?
Same thing.

Um...

There was this one time...

When eric and I
were on a ski lift...

And I gave him
a you-know-what.

Oh, no!

What?

Anything
but a you-know-what.

I hope you had
a safety harness,
young lady.

Hey, where you goin'?

Oh, no, no.
I just... I remembered

I have to, uh,
get to the library
before it closes.

I'll be right back.
It's fine.

I think I know what.
What about you, perry?

Have you at least
gotten a you-know-what?

I... I almost did,
but, uh,

I didn't.
Oh,
that's so sad.

Steven, we need to talk.

No, it's fine. I'll be...
I'll be right back.

Stop!

I don't get why
you'd be so upset

about me talking
about me and eric.

I mean, it's obvious

that you're no
longer interested.

You never even kissed a girl?

Not since
fifth grade.

Shut up. Don't laugh
at him, you jerk.

Yeah, shut up, lloyd, hmm?

Yeah, perry.
You know,

it's really not
that big of a deal.

No, even I think it's pathetic.

That would
be very funny,
yeah.

Ok, uh, rachel.
Truth or dare?

I don't know.

Ok, dare,
then, all right?

Um, I dare you
to make out with perry...

For 5 minutes.

You guys wanna play uno?

No, no.

You know, perry,

if you've gone this long
without, um, kissing a girl,

you probably
shouldn't do it in
a game of truth or dare.

Plus, I hear, like,
she's a really bad kisser.

What?!

I'm a bad kisser?

I don't think so.

Come here.

O-ok, uh, just,
uh, be gentle.

You guys,

I've had such
a good time tonight.

This has been really fun.
Thank you so much,

but ron is actually gonna
walk me home right now,

so I'll see you later.

I gotta go walk
kelly home, you know.

Good for you, ron.
I'm glad someone's
got someone.

I just couldn't...

You know, I feel like, um,

I feel like
I've seen you around,

like, from far away,
maybe, or something.

Oh, I don't think so.

You know, I'm generally...

I like to be, uh,
be close to people.

Really?

Yeah.

Ok, then.
Truth or dare?

Uh, well, not truth, so...

Dare.

Ok, I dare you

to stand still and
not move from that spot.

Ok.

So, you like
being close to people?

Uh, yeah, you know.

Is this close enough?

Pretty close.
Um...

Is this good?

Look, you're the one
who's not interested.

You... you... you...

you treat me like
I-I'm your brother.

What are you talking about?

I have been
prancing around you
in my underwear,

and you won't even look at me.

Why are you acting so weird?

Did I do something?

No, no, no.

I'm scared.

But you don't have
to be scared of me.

No, wait, uh, um...

Ah, look at this.

Hey, joel and ethan cohen.

Loved your take
on truth or dare
last night.

Best time you've probably had

since fifth grade, huh, perry?

Yeah, perry.

It's a funny thing about girls

in the game of truth or dare,

'cause anything
you pretend
you haven't done,

they're gonna wanna do.

Now you know, and now you move

so I can say hi to rachel.

This is where one of the idiots

that was on one of my tours

tripped and
fell down the stairs

and broke his collar bone.

That's hilarious.

I know.

Oh, god!
I'm jokin'.