01x08 - Hell Week

[bunniefuu]

They're givin' away money!

What?!

Money! They're
givin' it away!

I want money.

They're giving away free money?

Yeah, come on!
Hurry!

What's going on?

They're givin' out
free money!
Come on, hurry!

Where?

This is gonna change our lives.

It's beautiful.

The real cards
aren't that big, but...

They're good, too.

With this new card,

I'm gonna make tons of money.

Do you want in or not?

No, ron, I don't want in.

I don't know if you've noticed,

but I'm a thespian.

I have no need for money.

I live by my craft.

Ah, well, online
investing is a craft.

Online investing
is for desperate fools.

It's true. Right.

Except for me, though.

This is the company
I'm investing in,

anatomical industries.
These guys,

these geniuses,
can make a human stomach

in a petri dish.

You see, that's just wrong.

People shouldn't
do things like that.

It's not wrong.

Every... every old guy
with an ulcer

is gonna want one
of these dish guts,

my dish guts.

So, you're gonna get rich

from the ailments of old men.

I hope you enjoy
your little shallow,
soulless existence

in front of your computer.

I just made $150 right there,

while you were
sayin' somethin',

I don't even care what,

'cause I made $150.

Oh, sweet, sweet credit card.

Daddy's gonna take
good care of you.

I... I honestly
can't believe

I got a d-plus
on this paper.

Oh, it's not so bad, man.

Maybe you should
focus on the plus.

Actually, I tried hard on this.

I don't know, maybe
I can't do any better.

Maybe this is...
As smart as I get.

Possibly, maybe, man.

Thank you.

Wanna see power
over the system?

Meet "the wad."

It's all the power of money,

but the key is,
you never spend it.

Steven karp,

I know a guy
that can hook you up.

With what?

Well, I know someone
that will happily

compose a paper
for you for a price.

No. I've heard
of this guy.

He's a townie, right?

Yes, he's a gentleman
that resides in town.

Stick to your "d," man.

It's wrong havin'
some weird guy

do your homework for you.

All right, look,
here's what you do.

You call the number
on the kiosk

that says, "I type
papers fast," ok?

He takes credit cards.

All right, 75 bucks
for a new paper,



Um, bovary, right?

Ok.

Bovary...

Is that, uh,
professor horowitz?

Yeah.

Still got that wandering eye?

Yeah.

Yeah, he'll use that.

He'll use that.

When do you guys need it?

Tomorrow at noon?

What time is it now?

Uh, it's, uh,
it's about 7:00.

P.M. Or a.M.?

P.M.

Yeah, yeah, that's
not a problem.

I can do that.

Uh, what do you wanna do?

You wanna go cash?

Credit card?
Money order?

I'll go with the, uh, plastic.

Ok.

Yeah, virgin plastic.

That's nice, huh?

That's a good feeling.

Don't rob me.

I could, actually.

What's your major, steven?

Oh, uh...

He's undeclared.

What's wrong with that?

I was undeclared,

and I turned out all right.

Ok, we're in.

We are in the matrix.

I mean like this really was

like a difficult
paper to write,

and it, uh, took me
a very long time.

'Cause madame bovary is

a very complex book
with tons of layers
and themes and...

You're
being really obvious, man.

Thank you very much.
Have a nice day.

I'm the smartest person
that you will ever see

in your entire life.

I've already made

$2,648.

You're a lying b*stard, garner.

Oh, well, why don't you

just check for
yourself there, limey.

And I did it in my boxers.

Wow.

I could buy a decent
used car right now

or an amazingly
thorough prost*tute.

And it just keeps
going up like that.

Yeah, it just keeps goin' up,

and I really want you
to join me here, lloyd.

I mean...

I wanna share this with you.

You're my friend.

You know, at least until
I meet a golddigger.

It's so awesome.

He said I'd get
an "a" and I did.

It is so awesome.

Yeah, but...

You didn't get an "a."
Dave did.

Come on. It's the...
it's my first "a"

since I got to this school.

Please don't ruin it.

Like I could...
I could be

on the dean's list
with this guy.

Do you understand
that I've never

gotten good grades?

Which is, of course,

why I came
to this school.

Is this a bad school?

I'll just do it
for the rest
of the semester.

That's it.

'Cause this teacher,
he thinks
I'm an "a" guy.

I can't go back
to being a "d" guy.

It's like, yeah,
could you go back

to being a guy without a wad?

You mean señor wad.

Huh?

See, it's really only
$500 american currency,

but, now, it's 77,600
mexican pesos.

See how grande it is?

I got an "a" on my paper.

Look at this.

These things cost 50 bucks,

and they make me wanna puke,

but I don't care
'cause I'm rich!

Yo, what?!
You see lloyd's
new suit?



Yo, check out my new screen.

Come on. Come on.

Wanna know what's back there?

Nothin'.

'Cause it's so damn thin.

Now get me a soda.

What? No.

You get your own soda.

Ok.

Would you guys
turn the music down!

We are trying to write papers.

Thank you.

Sorry.
Did I hear you guys

were sayin'
that you were havin'

a little trouble
writing papers?

Well, yeah.

What if I told you

that I knew
how you guys could...

Not write a paper

and still get an "a"?

I don't know.
This seems

like a bad idea.

It's... it's
like cheating.

It's not like cheating.

It is cheating.

This is cheating.

Look who's here!

Karper!
How's it goin'?

What's up?

These are my friends,
lizzie and rachel.

Oh, is she the one

that... oh, god,
I miss college.

All right, come on in.

Everybody in, let's go.

Yeah, have a seat.

Hey, what, huh,

I mean, can you believe
that "a" we got, right?

That's awesome.

Yeah, and that guy's
a tough grader.

He's so tough, you know,

but the thing is, steven,

I knew that
I was on such a roll

when I was writin'
that paper, and I was like,

this blows away my old bovary.

And I knew it, I knew it.

Who wants a blintze?

Anybody want a blintze?

They're not frozen,
homemade, huh?

No, thanks.

Blintzes all the way around?

No.
No?

Yeah?

No.
Yeah?

No, thanks.

Uh, hey, if you get a chance,

check out this model I built.

It's for
an architecture client.

He's a grad student.

Very... very talented.

Very talented.

Very talented.

I'm afraid for my life.

Oh, come on.

He's a really good guy.

Well, you know what?

My parents pay a lot of money

for me to go
to college and learn.

Would you just stop babbling?

We're gonna
forget everything
we've learned


graduation anyway.

Yeah.

Did you guys check out
the basketball game?!

We kicked usec's butt!

That's goat cheese
on the outside.

Blintze, blintze,
blintze, blintze, blintze.

Blintze, blintze, blintze.

Don't fear the blintze.

So, um, here's the thing.

We all have papers
that are due, like,

friday morning, and so
we thought we'd tell you

what the subjects are,
and then, you know,

you could tell us
which ones you could do?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I can do 'em all.

Yeah, I just need 24 hours.

Ok, you must be kidding.

Yeah, it's...
it's 3 papers.

Doubt me!

Doubt me! Just tell me
I can't do it!

Just tell me I can't do it,

'cause nothing's
more motivating

than to hear those 3 words...

just doubt me.

Ok, what are we doin'?

What's your subject?
What's the paper on?

We got, uh, morality

and the brothers karamazov.

Ok, yeah, I can deal with that.

I think I got that.

I think I got... yeah,
I got it, ok?!

Ilyusha versus ivan, ok?

Law of man versus law of god.

Cake.

Have we got anything,

anything that
you can bring to me,

because I will slap it down.

How did you get so smart?

Um, I, uh, I read.

I read like


Wow.
There it is.

Told ya.

Also do a lot of speed.

All the time.

Just tell me how rich I am.

Those are tears of joy,
right, ron?

I have some bad news, lloyd.

Steven's dead.

What?

Steven died?

Well...No,

but we lost all of our money.

How could you
let this happen, ron?!

You promised!

I didn't do it on purpose, ok?!

It keeps going down!

I can't help it!

Go up, you idiot, go up!

Oh, jeez.

It's these stupid
religious zealots, man.

I mean, they're
protesting our company.

They're saying
that the dish gut

is against the laws of nature.

God wants people
to have stomachs.

I mean, why can't
they see that?

Do you guys
wanna go see a movie

at the campus center tonight?

Uh, they're showing
wizard of oz

set to pink floyd's
dark side of the moon.

It's gonna be awesome.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry.
I can't go.

I have to write a paper.

♪ Oh, it's so nice
to be with you ♪

♪ I love all the things
you say and do ♪

♪ and it's so nice
to hear you say ♪

♪ you're gonna please me
in every way ♪

♪ honey, I got the notion
you're 'causing commotion ♪

♪ the time I'm gonna
be with you ♪

dad.

How's it goin'?
What are you
doin' here?

I brought you
some underwear
I got on sale.



And then I saw this.

Oh, that thing.

Listen to that guy over there.

Mr. Humility,
"oh, that?"

Steven, this is an "a."

That's fantastic!

Well, dad, it's not...

honestly, like no big deal.

Sure it is.

You've been working so hard.

I've been working so hard,
waiting on tables

to pay the crazy tuition.

It's finally paying off.

Yeah, I guess it is, yeah.

This is the last paper for me.

Definitely.
Enough is enough.

I can... I can do it.
It's so easy.

Thank you.

Wouldn't it be nice
if next time he gave us

a paper that was like
actually challenging.

I guess he did.

Oh, what the hell...

hey.

I did this by myself.

I can't believe I let you

get me involved in this!

We just need a little
more money to play with,

and then we buy while it's down

and then it comes back up,

and we should be rich again.

No, ron, I'm through with this.

Money is the devil.

We don't have
a choice, lloyd, ok?

If we don't pay off this debt,

then we have
bad credit for life.

We won't even be able
to get a discover card.

Do you know what that means?

No more leather suits?

That's right!

Ok, now if you
want to fix this,

go get me some money.

How do you propose
I do that, ron?

Granny?

It's lloyd.

Ask her!

Granny, it was
my birthday last week,

and I still
didn't receive
my birthday check.

Very upset, very.

Oh, no, don't cry, granny.

Oh, I know
you forget sometimes.

It's ok.

There's always next year.

What are we gonna do?!

Dude, I will punch you
in the eyes.

Oh. Oh!
Go! Just leave!

She's worth more to us dead.

I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

I know this grade
was punishment

for not doing my own paper.

Yeah, yeah.

You know I can stop
whenever I want to.

This is just recreational.

This move I call,
"farewell, my concubine."

Sneak up,
and then I just pause.

And then I bludgeon!

That's what I do!

All right.

Yeah, go away, I'm busy!

Hey, dave, it's, uh, steven.

Oh, yeah,

hey, buddy, come on in.

Grab a pumpkin muffin.

Hey, did we rock
the karamazov brothers,
or what, huh?

Uh...

Dave, we need to talk to you.

We all got ds on our papers.

What?

Actually,
I got a "c."

Whatever!
I mean, the point is,

we're paying you $75.

We should be
getting at least bs.

That's what you promised.

Whoa, whoa, ok, ok, hold on.

Let me... can I just
see the papers, please?

Redundant, illogical, shallow.

God.

Horowitz is so tough.

He's so tough.
He's haunting me.

Ok, you know what?

We're gonna fight this!

We're gonna
take this all the way

to the administration!

Dave, I read my paper
on jackson pollock,

and it was really lame!

I'm sorry, you know what,

I was this close
to getting to level 24,

and that hardly ever happens.

We just want our money back.

Yeah.

Um, yeah,
I don't have your cash,

uh, 'cause that mostly went

into my new gaming system here.

It's a ps-2.

You know, not
a lot of people have it.

But I know
this one guy in hemet...

we don't care!

You know what,
you ripped us off!

Ok, easy. Easy, all right?

I'm not your daddy here.

Ok, look.

I... I... I'm gonna
fix this, I promise, ok?

I... I'll do
your next papers free.

Gratis.

I... I don't think that
that's the best idea.

You know what, though?

I... I do
have a paper due.

I'm guaranteeing
you guys an "a."

As across the board.

Just feed me the rock,

and I will put it
through the hoop.

Swoosh.

Count it.

Go to the locker room,

take a shower.
All right.

All right.

Thumbs up, huh?

Yeah, across the board?

Can I see thumb...

ay.

This bravura
hanging firmament,

why, it's brought nothing to me

but a vile and pestilent
congregation of vapor.

Mmm, that was exquisite.

Well, thank you.

I almost cried.

Would you like
to make a donation?

I don't have any money,
but can you do it again?

Yeah.

I have of late,
but wherefore I know not

Lost all my mirth.

Dave?
Hey, come on, uh, dave.

It's uh, steven karp.

D...

we need our papers.

I can't believe he isn't here.

Yeah, uh, it's...
it's really weird,

'cause I thought
he was afraid to leave
or whatever.

What the hell was that?

He's in there. He's...

We know you're in there!

I'm... I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go in.

I think I'm just gonna
drop that psych class.

I mean, I could...
I could take it
next semester. Guys.

Guys.

Guys, this really
isn't a good idea.
This is ill*gal.

Listen, I need
to get that paper.

I'm gonna
fail the class if I
don't get that paper.

Yeah, I... I know I saw
something move in here.

Maybe it was a cat.

Meow!

Kitty?

Lizzie, that was him.

Look, there...
stay away, k*ller samurais!

What the hell is this?
You'll never

conquer tokogawa!

Never!
It's... it's me, steve.

Not my dojo.
Do you hear me?

Oh, liar! I'd recognize
you anywhere, yasu.

What?
You cannot hide
behind your crimson shield.

Crimson sh... level 24.
Protect your flank.

Combo! Combo! Spin! Combo!

For god's sakes, stop that!

Oh!

You've brought
your concubines with you.

Very shrewd, yasu.
Very shrewd.

Please k*ll me now.
Finish me off swiftly
with your lance.

Plunge it deep into
my heart and twist it.
No.

Let the blood
run through my kitchen.

Aah, aah, I think I took
too much speed. Ok, there.

You can have it.
Whoo!

Oh, my god, steven.
I really thought
I was in that ninja game.

I almost k*lled you.

I was... I was really
gonna k*ll you.

Yeah.
Yeah.

And... and the irony
of the whole thing

is you don't
even look like yasu.

Hey, um, I'm just wondering

did you get a chance
to, uh, to finish
our papers

uh, before you took
too much speed?

No. I'm gonna need
a couple more days.

Oh, god.
Oh, my god.

What?
Maybe, uh, maybe we can get

some sort of extension.
Uh, you know,

I'm happy to forge
some sort of note, maybe.

One of you guys
has impetigo or something.

No, no, no.
This is not happening.

They're due tomorrow morning!

Don't yell at me.
You know what?

'Cause I don't
work well under stress.

All you have to do
is hang out here all day
and type papers,

and... and, god,
you can't even do that.

I can't even do that?

You can't even do that.
You're payin' me, pancho.

You're right.
You're right,
and I realize that,

and you know what?
I'm done,

'cause I am not
gonna turn out like you.

Well?

I made 89 cents.

All you had to do was
get a few hundred dollars.

How hard is that?

Didn't you see oliver?

That little bugger scammed
people all over the place.

You are a horrible
actor, lloyd.

What the hell happened
to your enormous brain, ron?

Ok, lloyd, shut up,
ok, puss in boots?

What about me, guys?

I'm always interested
in a good investment.

Go play
with your wad,
marshall.

Well, that's just
the thing, you know.

I've, like,
done everything I could
possibly do with the wad

except actually spend it.

I even laid it out
in a briefcase

and pretended
I was, like, getting
a hostage back, you know?

But, you know, I...
I'm gettin' bored
with the wad.

Marshall, friend...

With the money you could make,

your wad will
have its own wads.

You know...

I think it's about time
that someone else
gets some good off of...

Let's do this.

It's gonna be a long night.

This is not bad.

This is actually really good.

Anthony hopkins
reads this great.

I just read 50 pages,
and I don't remember
a word of it.

There's no test.
There's no... no, it's a paper.

Well, I think
I'm just gonna go back

or I could just keep go...
I could... I could flip ahead.

It's, like, my body is awake
and my... my mind is asleep.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Anthony hopkins is yelling.

This sucks, ron.
You don't know what
you're doin', do you?

Shut up, man! Shut up
and ride it out, ok?

It's happening!

It is?
It's goin' up.
It's goin' up.

It hit 22! Sell!

We can't just sell, ok?
It's still rising.
Don't be cowards.

You said you'd sell
at 22, ron. Come on.

A few minutes longer,
and then w-we'll
be rich again.

Don't get greedy, ron!
Sell, you b*tch, sell!

Hit the sell button!
Hit it! Hit it!

What happened?
Is my wad ok?

We made $27.

$27 divided by 3.

That's 8 bucks to wrap
around my wad, baby.

Ooh!

You are morons.
I'm goin' back in.

No, this is over, ron.

Wait,
I think it's goin' up.

It's goin' up.

Paper's done,
and I did it all by myself.

Up, go.
Up, you stupid...

Oh, why do you hate me?

Why do you hate...

What are you doing?

Nothin', man, nothin'.
I'm just...

I'm getting
internet porno.
Tons of it.

Right on.

Yeah.

Right on.

Up. Up, go...

Up, up, up!

Do you need my password?
No, no.

You need my password?
Shh, go back to sleep.

I got it.