[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
All righty, then.
♪ Pet Detective on the run
[LAUGHING]
[TRUMPETING]
♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes! Yes!
-Whoa! -[BELLOWING]
-[GOAT BLEATS] -[CROCODILE GROWLS]
Ahhh!
-Ahhh! -[LION ROARS]
[SCREAMS]
-♪ Ace Ventura... -[HORN HONKING]
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[LAUGHING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[EXCLAIMS]
[RUMBLING]
-[SCREAMS] -[VEHICLE APPROACHING]
I detest animals.
They're cunning and deceitful.
Building resort hotels in remote regions may be my business,
but destroying a wildlife habitat
in the process is my pleasure.
You're a complex man, Baron DeKlaus.
Forward.
DEKLAUS: What's going on here?
Get those things moving!
Pawn takes rook, monkey boy.
[CONFUSED GRUNT]
Check.
[GRUNTS]
What are you doing on my property?
Engaging in intellectual pursuits with my monkey.
But I'm sorry, I must be mistaken.
I was under the impression
this was a wildlife refuge protected by international law.
On the contrary, Mister...
Ventura, Ace Ventura, freelance pet d*ck,
currently on assignment from the Wildlife Protection League.
They don't pay well,
but they threw in a free subscription to their newsletter.
And a fake coonskin cap that I'll never wear.
On the contrary,
this land is owned by
the DeKlaus Development Corporation.
Not according to this Endangered Species report,
this restraining order
and this local map of the Amazon basin
showing the refuge is right here on this spot.
Check and mate.
Loo-hoo-hoo-ser!
Not according to this property deed,
this restraining order
and this official map
-showing your refuge is miles to the west. -Mm.
Really?
Well, call me a sore loser, Mister...
DeKlaus, Baron DeKlaus.
But you're not harming another leaf without getting past me.
ACE: Easy, Spike,
you're cutting off my "oh, so delicate" circulation.
-[SNAPS FINGERS] -[CHAINSAW WHIRRING]
No! No!
I don't take dismemberment very well.
Have mercy!
A little painkiller at least! [SOBBING]
Oh, what's wrong?
You girls can't stand the sight of blood?
-[THUDS] -[GROANS]
Impressive move, Baron DeKlaus.
[ACE SCREAMING]
The game is not yet over, DeKlaus!
Rotten leeches!
Ew!
I detest leeches. They suck.
[BURPS]
Yummy.
Spike, I know rainforests.
And that is a protected wildlife refuge
DeKlaus is messing with.
That, or we took a wrong turn at the Bermuda Triangle.
In either case, let's rock his world.
DEKLAUS: Excellent work, Mr. Brown.
Your altered maps look completely legitimate.
Even the Wildlife Protection League was fooled.
But why engage in a criminal conspiracy, Baron DeKlaus,
just to despoil a wildlife refuge?
Might it have something to do with your hand?
[GASPS, EXCLAIMS]
You must swear never to repeat what I am about to tell you.
[LAUGHS] Secrecy is my business.
Pet d*ck to grease monkey, Commence Operation Skin.
[CHITTERING]
Ten years ago,
I was constructing a shopping mall
in the Canadian Laurentians.
The weather was unseasonably dry
and my hands became chapped.
So I covered them in...
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[GASPS] ...acorn oil.
It was then, in the woods,
when suddenly they were all around me.
They?
The rabid squirrels.
That's monstrous.
PARROT: The rabid squirrels.
I know you just said that.
That wasn't me.
PARROT: Mr. Brown. Altered maps.
Up there.
Criminal conspiracy, Baron DeKlaus.
A parrot!
BROWN: And it heard everything.
If that information got out, it could put you behind bars for life.
I know.
PARROT: Put you behind bars for life.
What? I know.
[BULLDOZERS ROARING]
[LAUGHING]
Mr. Brown, the bulldozers.
Never mind that. After that parrot!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
ACE: A common potato clogs up the works,
traps gas in the tailpipe, makes it difficult for fumes to pass.
Wouldn't you say, DeKlaus?
DeKlaus!
Hello!
I'm talking here, people.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
He's taking the bait.
This way, this way.
Here, Polly, come here, come here.
I don't know why the Baron's after that parrot.
And I don't care.
[TARZAN LIKE SCREAM]
Got him, Spike? Hm.
Spike!
[PARROT YELPS]
[MEN YELL]
Wow.
It's Ace Ventura!
He has our parrot! After him!
Yes!
Huh? [SCREAMS]
Phew!
-[HISSES] -[GASPS]
Hey.
Coochie coochie coo. Give it up, baby.
[LAUGHING]
[PANTING]
Watch your step, Spike.
You got snake slime all over Mr. Parrot.
Let's ride the curl, dude!
Now my navigational know-how will determine
in which direction we proceed.
-MAN : There he is. -MAN : There's the bird.
-I see him. Over there. -Get him.
-Get him. Get him. -Hurry up! Hurry up!
That way.
Coming through!
Watch your heads!
Yeow!
Yippee!
Yeah.
Yes!
He stuck the landing for a perfect ten.
-[RUSTLING] -[GASPS] Huh?
Let's roll!
[EFFORT GRUNT]
Dr. Livingstone, I presume.
No.
Dr. Schweitzer. Albert Schweitzer.
You gentlemen must be from the Nobel Prize Committee.
What kind of patients do you treat here, Doctor?
Now, you've done it!
You've just exposed everyone to a highly contagious jungle plague.
-Jungle plague? Jungle plague? -Jungle plague?
What's gonna happen?
It isn't pretty.
You get the fever so hot your hair catches fire.
Your eyes pop out of your head like a cartoon.
Your kidneys do a square dance with your liver do-si-do.
You'll retch so hard, your sides will ache.
Your heart will go pity pat.
And your internal organs congeal into a disgusting viscous blob
all in all about seconds. No, .
[ALL GASP]
Quick, eat this.
It's your only hope.
DEKLAUS: What will this do?
[FART SOUNDS]
No.
Yes. It's a simple but powerful diuretic
which will flush the toxin from your low intestines in expl*sive bursts.
[MEN SCREAM]
-[FARTING SOUNDS] -[MEN MOANING]
Oh. Mm.
[FARTING SOUND]
Thank you. Wipe out!
[LAUGHING]
ACE: We may not have any evidence against DeKlaus
but at least we saved the life of a single parrot.
Fly away and be free, my friend.
Fly, fly across the valley beyond the beyond,
past the land of the erupting volcanoes,
through the mist of forgetfulness,
and into the kingdom of the parrots.
Criminal conspiracy.
-[SQUAWKS] -Hold it.
Even the Wildlife Protection League was fooled.
PARROT: Excellent work, Mr. Brown.
The altered maps look completely legitimate.
Altered maps?
That's how DeKlaus did it.
No wonder the Baron wants this parrot so bad.
He's got the goods on him.
He's a living tape-recording.
Whoa!
PARROT: Criminal conspiracy.
Altered maps.
I hope we catch him before the erupting volcanos part.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
I wonder why they call it the Mist of Forgetfulness.
What are we looking for again?
[WHISTLES]
Oh, right, the parrot.
We find him, we charter a plane to Washington, DC,
the bird testifies before a grand jury,
and we put that Freddy Krueger wanna be away for good.
Now, where to look?
PARROT: Excellent work, Mr. Brown.
The altered maps look completely legitimate.
All righty, then.
Greeting.
Hey!
Checkmate, Mr. Ventura.
[YELLS DRAMATICALLY] DeKlaus!
[YELLS] DeKlaus!
You loser.
I knew, DeKlaus was following us for days,
which is why I threw him a little decoy.
Criminal conspiracy.
Altered maps.
[SQUAWKS]
Yes.
Can you feel it? Huh? Huh? Yes!
[PARROT SINGING]♪ Fifteen men on a Dead Man's Chest. Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! ♪
[SQUAWKS] One more...
♪ Sixteen men... ♪
We have been deceived.
PARROT: Then suddenly they were all around me, the rabid squirrels.
What kind of a fool uses acorn oil in squirrel country?
But, more importantly,
will the federal grand jury chortle with hilarity when they hear about it?
Bet you a dollar they will.
I need to charter a plane for Washington, DC, immediately.
That flight leaves for New Zealand in an hour.
If you want to go, the animal's got to ride in the back.
You shouldn't have said that
because I just happen to be the Airline Regulator,
and that's a violation of the civil code.
Now, let's have a look at this plane, shall we?
What do you call this, the death trap?
This cardboard box will crumble at feet.
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
This smells like air in my apartment after a satisfying Mexican dinner.
This monkey tartare hasn't even been plucked.
You call this an in-flight meal?
You'll find clearly marked exits at the front and rear.
Please enjoy your flight.
[PASSENGERS YELLING]
-Pardon me, Captain. -[SCREAMS IN FRIGHT]
There's been a slight modification in our itinerary.
That's right, Washington, DC.
Just head for the US of A, and keep your eyes peeled for the Washington Monument.
Tall white thing.
Can't miss it.
[YELPS]
Good day, Mr. Ventura.
How did you find me?
A little bird told me.
[SQUAWKS] Freddy Krueger wannabe.
We charter a plane to Washington, DC.
Freddy Krueger wannabe.
[SQUAWKS]
Man, you can't say anything around those guys.
He can be of no harm to us without the parrot.
Thus, this will be a shorter trip
than you intended, Mr. Ventura.
[SNARLING]
No! No!
[YELLS, GRUNTS]
You forgot one thing.
There's a monkey on board that plane
who's more cunning than...
Scratch that.
New plan.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]
Cool!
Hold it, Mister.
This is a top-secret US m*llitary installation.
The name's Yeager, Chuck Yeager.
Pentagon buzzed me.
Asked me to give this little lady a test drive.
They didn't tell us you were coming, Mr. Yeager.
It's a secret.
MR. BROWN: Shall I do the honors, Baron?
No, Mr. Brown.
We must first ensure it is the right parrot.
It could be another decoy.
[AIRCRAFT HUMMING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Smooth takeoff, boss monkey man.
But I'll take it from here.
I think, we're going the wrong way.
[SPIKE YELLS]
In South America, do you fly in the left lane or the right?
I can never remember.
There they are.
We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way.
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
Very well then, open wide, and show me your cavities.
Baron, parrots don't have teeth.
Do they?
-[TEETH CHATTERING] -Come on, Spike.
Who's the big brave stunt monkey?
[CHITTERING HAPPILY]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
Aha!
Uh... Is this plane going to Washington, DC?
It's a crazed t*rror1st hijacker!
[ALL YELLING]
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
Next time, we take the train.
[SCREECHING SOUNDS]
Talk, curse you, talk.
No! Mother of mercy, stop. I'll talk. I'll talk.
[BOTH SHIVERING]
Hey, that's gotta be DeKlaus' plane.
There must be some way to catch it.
[MAN GRUNTING]
I've done it. The first man to climb Mount...
Actually, you're the third man, after me and the monkey.
But no one needs to know our little secret if you loan me your gear.
Spank you.
Take care now. Bye-bye then.
Aw, look at him go.
He really loves these things.
For the last time,
were you in the rainforest on the rd, what did you hear?
Criminal conspiracy.
Altered the maps.
[SQUAWKS]
Thank you.
Eliminate him.
Dear pretty Polly.
[GROWLS]
Gentlemen, I think, we have a situation.
What situation?
I'm from the AACC, the Airborne Animal Control Commission.
Regulations require me to inform you
that this plane is crawling with rabid squirrels.
[GASPS IN HORROR] Take it away!
Pesky little gremlins love to eat engines.
Don't get in their way. You could lose a limb.
[SCREAMS]
[GASPS] Parachute!
Oops! Bye.
BOTH: Ace Ventura!
After him!
Do you mind?
I'd like a little privacy.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
He won't get far.
Out of my way!
[WHIRRING]
[GRUNTING]
Ooh. Oh!
Fake. Must be one of yours.
Hasta la vista,baby!
Polly, want a cr*cker?
[SQUAWKS]
Told you, he loves these things.
I'll keep the parrot, Mr. Ventura.
Bon voyage.
[ACE YELLS]
-[ACE LAUGHING] -[GASPS]
You won't get rid of me that easy, DeKlaus.
I'm like Jockey shorts on a hot summer day,
all over your butt, and clinging like the devil.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
MR. BROWN: Are you mad?
You'll k*ll us all.
Stop your whining, fool.
We have two parachutes left.
-Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. -Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.
Mr. Ventura, give me the parachute,
and I'll let you go back in the plane with the parrot.
Oh, you mean the plane without the pilot?
Gee, let me think.
[BOTH YELLING]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
It's mine!
[LAUGHS] Really?
-Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. -Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.
[BOTH GASP]
The cord, Spike! Pull the cord!
Ha!
[YELLS]
I can't look.
[AIRCRAFT HUMMING]
[GASPS]
-[YELLS] -[SQUEAKING]
Loo-hoo-hoo-se-her!
ACE: You've seen much, my featheredcompadre.
It's not every parrot who gets to do the White House tour.
Fly proud.
Your testimony has saved the rainforest.
And now you must go.
Ah, Mr. President,
I am in possession of classified information
which could change the face of the world as we know it.
-[SQUAWKS] -Hold it!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]