♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Pet detective
Yes, can you feel it?
♪ He can sniff like a dog He's slippery as a frog
♪ Ace Ventura
[LAUGHS]
♪ Radar like a bat
♪ He's a way cool cat
[YELPS] Loo-hoo-ser!
♪ When the detective's on a trail
♪ He is so protective
Even if his brain seems defective.
♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Pet detective
♪ He can roll back in time and save a dino in distress
♪ Ace Ventura
Yes! Yes!
♪ He'll squash an alien bug
♪ What a mess
Gross!
♪ He's pesky as a flea Stings like a bee
♪ Swings like a monkey
♪ And ooh, what a hunk
♪ He's Ace Ventura
♪ Pet detective
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
All righty, then.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHS]
The Ocean Channel proudly presents another episode
of the Seas of Knowledge, with your host Skip Tracer.
Wow!
[GRUNTS] Sorry.
Skip, babe, that's you.
Hey, ocean freaks,
that's not just a lot of water, it's a lot of fish, too.
Me and my board, Chunk, have shredded some tasty waves
in our pursuit of ocean knowledge.
MAN : Hey, hey, get out of here with that, will you?
Noise.
MAN : Hey, I'm trying to fish over here.
Hey, that's my catch of the day.
You're way over the limit, pork chop.
[DRUMMING]
You one of them animal rights pinkos?
If I am, will you marry me?
Captain, he's bigger than Jupiter.
We've got to change course.
Mustn't get caught in gravitational pull.
Could circle him forever.
-[GROWLS] -DIRECTOR: Excuse me.
Gentlemen, we're trying to film a nature documentary.
[CHUCKLES]
Then point your cameras this way, boys.
We got monkeys.
We got the biggest whale on Earth.
MAN : What is that? Get out of the way!
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
-ACE: Move it, sunshine! -[THUDS]
[CHUCKLES] Gnarly!
That mega fish nearly creamed me.
Try mega mammal, surfer girl.
-This is a blue whale. Balaenoptera musculus. -Cool.
And one thing it does not do
is beach itself in Miami during high tide.
But being the host of a nature documentary,
-you would know that, wouldn't you, Skip? -Sure.
You would also know
that whales possess a highly developed system of communication.
So let's see what our ocean friend can tell us
about his navigational mishap
with a little number I call Song of the Whale.
[VOCALIZING]
-[BELCHES] -[ACE YELPS]
[LAUGHING]
Yummy.
Dude, what did he say?
Isn't it obvious? He doesn't like the beach.
So let's get his big blue butt back in the water pronto, okay?
[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
On your mark, get set, go.
-[GASPS] Electrodes? -[BEEPING]
No, wait!
[ALL CHEERING]
Sweet Noah's ghost!
An electronic remote guidance system.
But why?
Why would someone want to deliberately beach a whale?
Think. Think. Think.
-Come on, babe, let's do lunch. -k*ller.
Did he say "k*ller"?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Bug fish! Cool!
[DOOR SLAMS]
Do not touch that lobster.
Hmm.
[SLURPING]
Okay, no electronic guidance system here.
You're safe for now, 'cause I've got news for you, Skippy.
That wasn't a whale looking for a suntan out there.
That was a deliberate attempt on your life.
-[BOTH LAUGH] -[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
Go on, laugh at the funny pet detective.
I'll be the one laughing
when you have tons ofbalaenoptera musculus
sitting on your face.
You mean like that balae... Balae...
-Come on. -Balae...
-Come on. -Mega fish!
ACE: Huh?
Oh.
Check, please.
[ALL CLAMORING]
[ALL SCREAM]
The same whale plops in Skip Tracer's lap twice in one day.
Obviously, just a coincidence. I can see my work is done here.
No, wait. You were right.
Man, I'm tired of being right.
But spank you for noticing.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
You salvaged the dinner rolls. Quick work, banana boy.
Now, that whale was electronically dispatched
to perform a Skip Tracer wipeout.
-Didn't think I spoke surfer, did you? -Uh... Yeah.
Key ideas, pay attention.
Who did it? What's the motive? A jealous girlfriend?
A surf rival who keeps getting bumped off the big one?
A disgruntled formerSeas of Knowledgehost?
French doctor of oceanography?
No big secret, he was dumped from his show by golden boy here.
You mean Jacques DuMonc? But he's...
Sleeping with the fishes?
Literally. Freak diving accident.
Got a blue marlin right through the chest.
Well, dead men tell no tales,
which is why they make lousy suspects.
When you slap them around looking for answers,
they crumble to dust.
However, there's an innocent whale out there who's going to miss migration
because someone's making a k*ller whale out of him.
And that someone needs a spanking,
which is why I'll be waiting for him when he strikes again.
All clear.
[WHOOPING]
Dude! My place is a mile from the ocean.
No whale's going to get me here.
MAN: [ON RADIO] We interrupt this program for an emergency bulletin.
A whale, I repeat, a whale has just been sighted heading down Palm Boulevard.
Think again, Johnny Waterlog.
[SCREAMS] Whale!
Where?
[YELPS] Ooh!
Ew!
The thought of swallowing Skip gives me intestinal spasms.
Let's roll!
[BEEPING]
Get out of the whale-pool lane!
Bella's got love handles. Yes!
No! No!
Ouch.
[GROANS]
This is definitely going to push up my premium. Hmm.
Shortcut.
[SCREAMING]
-You okay in there, beach boy? -Whoa.
Hang ten, daddy-o.
This whale's going to take us straight to the big kahuna.
-[GASPS] -[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
ALL: Spike!
[GURGLING]
[SCREAMS]
You! You ain't no catch of the day.
You just missed it, chum bucket,
the biggest whale on Earth, next to you.
[LAUGHS]
[YELPING]
Your head, what is that? It's hard as a rock.
Ace brown hair cement.
It's more than a fashion statement.
It conditions while it protects. I'm soaking in it.
Okay, Hemingway, know where I can rent a skiff?
I've got a whale to catch.
[HORN HONKS]
On second thought,
come on, monkey man, we're joining the navy.
Captain, I appeal to your sense of decency
to change the course of this vessel.
The life of a whale depends on it.
Poseidon's beachball!
I've entered a nautical chamber of horrors.
You one of those animal rights pinkos?
That's for me to know, and you to find out.
I seek the whale.
Captain?
The agency sent me. I'm the temp. The temp captain.
What happened to Captain Stewart?
Please, have mercy.
Not my prized marlin.
Okay, sailor,
see anything large and moving faster than my innards
after an espresso and a bran muffin?
[MACHINE BEEPING]
Two miles south and disappearing fast.
Good work, man. Follow that whale.
[CHATTERING]
Keep your eye on the bouncing ball, matey.
I'll be on the poop deck dropping off the captain's log.
I want to have a word with you.
And I with you.
This ship has a dress code, sailor.
Men, throw him in the brig.
You can't tell them what to do. I'm the captain.
Really? So am I.
[SHRIEKS] My evil twin.
Quick, fetch the sacred book of the mariner.
We must read Neptune's incantation backwards five times
and cast the sea spawn to the abyss from whence he came.
I'll have you put in irons.
After you say "anchors aweigh."
Anchors aweigh?
Spank you.
[SCREAMS]
Loo-hoo-se-her!
It's the blue whale, Captain. We're closing in.
Yes! That's the way I like it. Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
♪Feeling hot, hot, hot ♪
[CHATTERING]
At ease, boatswain. What is it?
[CHATTERING]
The men speak of mutiny.
-Mutiny? -Fret not, Nelly.
I'll soon have the mutineers eating out of my hand.
-Mm! -Settle down, boys!
It's time for Captain Ace, unplugged.
ALL: Yay!
♪ Oh, I'm a sailing man Of that I'm sure
♪ I've sailed them down to the last
♪ My mizzenmast is whizzing past
♪ And I never sail without my whale of a tail
♪ I'm a one-eyed Jack some say I'm cracked
♪ I'm no captain but I'm number two
♪ I only sail when the moon is full
♪ And my poop deck's fairly pooped ♪
-No, no, make him stop! -[ALL EXCLAIMING]
My ears, they're bleeding.
I can't stand the pain!
Hello, skipper.
[GROWLS] I'll have you court-martialed.
You can't court-martial me.
I'm a civilian, remember?
That suits me fine, stowaway. I'll have you keelhauled.
All righty then. You leave me no choice but to walk the plank.
Take care. Bye-bye.
Now, our whale should be around here somewhere.
After that maniac!
Captain, we can't do anything without our sonar.
What do you mean "without our sonar"?
[BEEPING]
ACE: There she blows.
Pet d*ck to Moby d*ck. Pet d*ck to Moby d*ck.
Do you read me? [GASPS]
[BOTH YELP]
I'm hungry, but I just don't feel like a sub.
Hard body.
Either Moby's been going to the gym,
or we got the wrong whale. Hmm?
[SPEAKING WITH FRENCH ACCENT] What are you doing on my vessel?
Glad you asked.
I was looking for a whale when your vessel rear-ended my dinghy.
[SPIKE SCREAMS]
Nothing I can't buff out.
You haven't seen any whales around here, have you?
No, no whales around here.
Really?
Maybe I should come down and have a look around.
I am afraid insurance regulations prohibit that.
[STRAINING] I'm sorry, I really have to use the latrine.
I think it's the navy bean soup. Phew!
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
Nice place you have.
You really ought to get it steam cleaned.
I thought you had to use the facility.
Shh. I couldn't wait.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Hey? I'm sorry?
Did you say something about an all-male dance review?
No, I said...
ACE: Oh, save your breath, crusty.
No one understands French around here.
How did you know I am French?
Gee, I don't know.
Maybe this box of Jerry Lewis videos gave it away.
Uh... They were a gift.
Allow me to explain.
You're really Jacques DuMonkey,
exSeas of Knowledgehost and current would-be-assassin.
Oui, oui, monsieur, I am Jacques.
And you are... How you say, a dead man.
No, you're the dead man.
At least that's what they told me.
But I know you faked your demise
and were behind all this from the very beginning.
Only you had the motive.
Fired from theSeas of Knowledge due to low ratings
and the high cost of a -hour English tutor,
you, who supposedly d*ed in a freak gefilte fish accident.
Marlin accident through the chest.
But you were really out to sea,
plotting your revenge against your hip new replacement,
a bonehead surfer who doesn't know a scallop from a sea monkey.
Dude, you came to rescue me!
Whatever.
Okay, Jacquise, where's the whale and what have you done to him?
The whale is all part of my elaborate revenge scheme,
which you are too late to stop.
As you already know,
this whale is under my electronic command.
See that explorer pod?
It houses a powerful sonic expl*sive device,
where with the flick of this, the b*mb will go off.
Boom!
Unleashing a wall of water that will destroy Skip Tracer
and his entire staff of idiots once and for all.
This French dude's a trip, man!
What about the whale?
Boom as well, blubber everywhere.
And you call yourself a man of ocean science?
Who are you to questionmoi?
Who am I? Who am I?
[IN GERMAN ACCENT] I am Heinz Getwellvet,
trainer of dolphins and friend to the whale.
We play cards, we go to the movies,
we eat the tiny plankton fishes together by candlelight.
So, if you harm one little parasitic cestode on the whale's dorsal fin,
I will put my German steel-tip boot
up your French dorsal fin,
which is to say your keister, heinie, tuchus.
Spear through the chest, or ride the b*mb withmonsieur stupide?
Choice is yours.
[IN NORMAL ACCENT] Gee, let me think.
You know, Jacquola, while I mull this one over, how about a last request?
And what would that be?
To play my ukulele.
By all means.
I appreciate the soft, sweet strains
of a friendly played ukulele.
♪ Oh, I'm a sailing man Of that I'm sure
♪ I've sailed them down to the last
♪ My mizzen...
I know that sound. It's seared into my brain.
Man the depth charges!
But, Captain, our guidance system,
we don't even know where we are.
Then fire them in every direction!
Just get him!
♪ I only sail when the moon is full
♪ And my poop deck's... ♪
Did I mention I was tone deaf?
-[expl*si*n] -[BOTH SCREAM]
Go, navy.
[ALL SCREAMING]
Phew!
Go!
[BEEPING]
[BOTH GROAN]
Holy tentacle Tuesday!
We're in the boom-boom room!
If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[BEEPING]
[YELPS]
[EXHALES]
Do not go out there.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
Sacrebleu!Whale!
ACE: Yes, we can rest easy.
The great whale is free.
Free to join up with his migrating mates.
Dude!
Oh, that. Chill out, boogie boy.
Spike has the detonator.
Spike?
Whoa!
[SHRIEKS]
[BOTH SCREAM]
SKIP: [WHOOPING] Surf's up!
Awesome!
Could have had a spear in the chest,
but no, I had to pick the b*mb.
This is your Coast Guard.
We have a sudden tsunami alert!
Clear the area. I repeat, clear the area!
Great! Skip's been missing for hours. Now this.
Wait, is that...
Why, it's Skip!
Cameras, roll 'em!
-[SKIP WHOOPING] -[GASPS]
Land, ho!
[WHOOPING]
DIRECTOR: Skip! Baby!
Did you catch that ride, man?
On tape, Skip, babe, every bit of it on tape.
This is the publicity event of the year.
Our ratings will go through the roof.
Spike! Spike!
Spike, my friend, my confidante,
my secondary source of sight gags.
I'll never find another you.
Your revenge failed, DuMonc, but mine's just begun.
Big blue and I will search the seven seas for your smelly French hide.
[JACQUES YELPS]
[JACQUES THUDS]
Ahoy there!
You're about to be had by Ace Ventura, Pet Avenger.
Spike. Some pal you are.
I'm riding a tidal wave with Moondoggie,
while you kick back on the Geppetto express.
Always looking for the easy way out.
There, there he lies.
I want that lunatic under lock and key.
Full steam ahead!
But, Captain, our ship.
[LAUGHING]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ He's Ace Ventura ♪
♪ Pet detective ♪