[CAR BRAKES SCREECH]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
All righty, then.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[CHUCKLES]
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n ♪
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
[SQUEAKING]
Aah!
Aah!
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[CHUCKLES]
[PANTING]
Spank you very much, concoctor of frozen confections.
[SLURPS]
Oh! Too fast.
Massive cranial ice effect.
Hey! Come here, you little rat!
[PANTING]
Get the lid off, you lazy mutt!
What's the matter with you?
You know, Spike, I don't ordinarily do humans,
but that guy has got to be stopped.
[GRUNTS]
AGUADO: What are you insane, Ventura?
Genus Canidae, better known as dogs, lack the ability to sweat,
ergo, a panting tongue indicates overheating and thirst.
I call that pooch abuse, Aguado.
[WHISTLING] Here, boy.
Don't do that, Ace. The crook is getting away.
Allow me, E.
Ahhh!
Gutter ball!
Oh, wow!
Nice sh*t, huh, Aguado.
Double slush puppy. Yum!
You know, they taste better if you drink them really, really fast.
Oh, boy.
[SLURPS]
[SCREAMS]
Oh, my brain.
Slow, boy. Drink it nice and slow.
Ace, that guy you just nailed, we chased him all the way from the Harbor.
We think he's working for Phatteus Lardus, major international smuggler.
-[BEEPING] -Hmm.
The beep means someone's pet needs me.
Say, Timmy, you know what would spruce up the place?
A ceiling fan, a couple of tiki torches, and a whirlpool.
The babes will love it.
TIMMY: But I need a bigger tree house for all that.
Bingo! Oh!
You know, Timmy, this is a really bad place to cut one.
I didn't. Millicent is a skunk.
Ah, the missing pet that keeps on giving.
Shall we?
TIMMY: Millicent is about the best friend I ever had.
She showed up in my window every night.
I'd feed her, and then she'd climb inside and sleep with me.
My mom and dad didn't like her in the house though.
I'm beginning to smell a motive.
Uh, that was me.
I really did cut with that time.
Oh!
[SNORING]
ACE: A moment of your time, please.
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
I'm looking for a skunk.
Look, I admit the smell was hard to take,
but we wouldn't harm Timmy's pet.
Show him the bowl, Phil.
Spanks, but I went earlier.
She means this.
We had it specially made for the skunk.
We planned to give it to Timmy as a birthday present.
Oh!
Nighty-night then. Bye-bye now.
Pet detection is not for the squeamish, Spike.
You wanna find a skunk, you've got to sniff them out.
[SNIFFS]
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Nice work, Spike.
This must be the trap that snared our skull.
[CHATTERING]
Gravy!
A clue.
A barely visible clump of fibers from a material of unknown origin...
which tastes exactly like a barely visible clump of fibers
from a material of unknown origin.
[CLOCK TICKING]
[EXPLODES]
Come on, boss monkey man.
The scent thickens.
And this earring may be of some use to us as well.
Interesting bouquet, rather ripe, pungent, foul even.
[CHATTERING]
Sorry, banana boy, didn't know this bush was occupado.
[CHATTERING]
Nope, sorry, not packing any TP.
[CHATTERING]
Change of five for five ones? Can do.
Spike, what we need is a professional nose.
[CHATTERING]
And I knows where to get one.
No, no way. No can do. All the canines are slated for harbor patrol anyway.
Oh, sure.
Let's use the police dogs for all the things you wanna do.
This is no joke, Ace.
We're trying to bust that smuggler I told you about,
Phatteus Lardus. He's never been caught 'cause nobody's ever seen him.
-At least, nobody's ever lived to talk about it. -[DOOR OPENS]
Ah, Lieutenant Hornbuckle, sir.
Your paperwork was an hour late, Detective, and I found two typos.
Redo it. All of it.
ACE: Knickers in a nut.
Who is this?
Ah, he's...
The name's Dover. Ben Dover.
I don't like my officers socializing on the job.
I catch him hanging around here again, it goes on your record.
I didn't know you had a record, E.
Is it available on CD or cassette?
Can I sing back up next time?
Shh.
Maybe play the chorus.
[MUMBLING]
What's the noise all about?
Noise? What noise?
Hmm!
No strength. Can't stop.
Bongo, baby.
Huh! Oh, all right, Ace.
One dog, one hour, zero trouble.
Spank you.
[GATE OPENS]
Here, take Murphy, and remember,
a police dog goes crazy when he picks up a scent.
Item, one skunk-scented pillowcase belonging to Timmy.
Take a long hard whiff, Murph.
Ace, get away from the station before Hornbuckle sees you two together.
Not to worry, E.
I'm as good as...
[SCREAMS]
Sorry.
[BARKING]
I smell it too, boy.
Ooh, could be an inside job.
Aguado's locker. Hmm, I never did trust those beady eyes of his.
And I see something black, and fuzzy, and stinky.
Hey!
[CLEARS THROAT]
Evening, Lieutenant.
ACE: You sound terrific, sir.
Thank you. What?
I'm keeping my eye on you, Detective.
Black, fuzzy, stinky.
Unfortunately, it's not our skunk, but an amazing simulation.
Aguado's socks.
So Millicent left the trail through the dark pretty Miami streets.
The question is, who would want to steal a skunk and why?
Somebody doesn't want us to find Timmy's skunk.
You saved our lives, boy. What tipped you off?
[SNIFFING]
All righty then.
Murphy, seek him.
[ACE SCREAMING]
I say, whoa, boy.
[GROWLING]
"Fragrance competition tonight."
Either our assailant cleverly ducked into this perfumed palace
to throw off your sense of smell,
or old, stinky, wrinkled lady named Atrocia Odora is behind this.
And now for the judging of the final two fragrances,
Ode To Odora, and Beautiful No. .
[SNIFFS]
Hmm, Beautiful No. has a pleasing aroma of citrus flowers
with just a hint of oat.
Ooh!
[SNIFFS]
Hmm, while I find Ode To Odora to possess a fragrance of...
ACE: My bathroom after I ate a really foul fish tamale,
I bought off a roach-coach downtown. Am I right?
For those of you who don't know, this is Ace Ventura.
He's a pet detective.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[MOCKINGLY LAUGHS]
That's right. I'm a pet detective,
and what I've detected is that Atrocia Odora
is a pun, scum-sucking, skunk napper.
Ooh!
What would I possibly want with a skunk?
Your main competitor, Coco Ghost, maker of Beautiful No.
is cutting in to your business because her perfume smells good
while yours smells like something you want to scrape off your shoe,
but if you could find a way to extract the scent from a skunk,
you could tamper with Coco's product
and drive them out of business.
Dang! I'm good. Always right.
Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Kick. Kick. Left. Right. Lift it.
Feel the thing.
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Summon the police.
Good! Then they can haul your sorry wrinkled butt downtown.
For you see, this earring was found at the scene of the crime,
and I'll bet you're wearing a matching one.
My ears aren't even pierced.
But how do you explain this?
What is it?
What is it? What is it?
Well, if you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you.
Face it, pet d*ck, I'm totally and completely innocent of your absurd accusations.
Hmm, maybe I was wrong about Odora,
but Ace Ventura, master of disguise has got to know for sure.
Evening!
These undercover cops are getting more creative every day.
[BEEPING]
Easter Bunny log starting :,
I've entered the lab, Miami quadrant,
and I'm proceeding with the analysis of mystery fabric.
Ace, are you crazy?
Do I look crazy?
You got to get out of here. If Hornbuckle sees you...
He'll never make the connection.
That's why I'm here incognito.
Forget it! Out!
You know, Emilio, there's a little boy named Timmy
crying himself to sleep tonight
because his pet skunk is gone.
Kind of reminds me of the story of old yeller.
Old yeller?
[CRYING]
Okay. Okay.
Look, do what you got to do, just make it quick.
As a bunny.
The mystery fibers have been identified
as packaging material used in certain middle European shipping crates.
Shipping crates?
Who are you talking to, Detective?
Ah, no one, sir.
No one, huh?
And who is this?
I am the egg man, goo goo g'joob.
This is the last straw.
You're suspended.
Hmm, a packaging material used in mid-European shipping crates.
Now, where would you find shipping crates?
As in what you'd find down
at the H-A-R-B-O-R, harbor.
Go harbor!
No. Hornbuckle is patrolling the harbor looking for Phatteus Lardus.
We're not going, and there's nothing you can say
to change my mind.
You just had to go and bring up old yeller, didn't you?
My nose hairs are tingling.
No kidding! This is Miami harbor.
There's million tons of raw sewage floating around out there.
[SNIFFS]
You got to be more discriminating, E.
What I'm smelling is skunk.
Or maybe I'm smelling a rat.
Easy, Ace. Hornbuckle is on harbor duty.
He's supposed to be here, remember?
I'm sorry? I wasn't listening.
Ace! Oh, man.
Hi-ya!
Hey, you're the tight knickers guy from the precinct.
Imagine seeing you here.
Weird.
What are you doing here, Dover?
Or should I call you bunny ears?
[LAUGHS]
-Think fast. -This is a restricted area. Off-limits.
What's the matter? Scared of what I'll find, skunk napper?
-Gee, I guess this isn't an earring after all. -What?
It's a cufflink, your missing cufflink.
Which links you to the crime scene.
Go on. You may worship me.
Okay. I stole the skunk. So what?
You think anyone will take the word of a pet detective against the police lieutenant?
No, but how about a monkey and a cop?
[GASPS]
I knew I smelled skunk.
You smelled it. Knew-hu-hu-hew it.
You know that infamous smuggler guy you've been telling me about?
Phatteus Lardus?
Hornbuckle is not out to bust him.
Hornbuckle is working for him.
What?
But he's not really my friend.
Wait for it!
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Your smuggler guy needs access to the harbor,
but the place is crawling with canines.
That's okay because Hornbuckle is on smuggler guy's payroll.
Explains how he affords a fancy gold cufflinks,
but dogs are hard to crop, so Hornbuckle stinks up the smuggled goods
with skunk scents to throw the dogs off the scent.
[INHALES]
But Hornbuckle made just one mistake.
He messed with the wrong skunk when he skunk-napped someone's pet.
And now he's got to dance with me.
Yes! Yes, I'm good! Feel it I'm good!
Feel it, baby, yes! Yes!
Very impressive, Mr. Ventura. If I'd known you were so clever,
I'd have instructed Klaus to drop a bigger ton of bricks on you. [LAUGHS]
[HISSING]
Gee, let me guess.
You must be Phatteus Lardus.
You're cunning. [LAUGHS]
I like that in a man.
You're overweight. Well, I find that a turn-off.
Work for me, Mr. Ventura.
Very tempting, lard boy, but I live by three rules.
Don't eat meat.
Use a pint of styling gel per square inch of hair,
and never, never ever accept blood money from fat men in fezzes.
Now, I'll just take the skunks
and leave you to the one honest cop in this room...
[SIREN WAILING]
...and the rest of the Miami PD.
Why? Because your hoity toity, big sh*t,
self-important human international smuggling crimes
don't concern me.
Oh?
You might be interested in what I've been smuggling.
Wall hangings, doormats,
fireplace rugs of every shape, size, and color
with only one requirement,
that they be cut from the hides of endangered animals.
Fat man, you're going down.
Ahhh!
Klaus.
-Yikes! -Oh!
Ooh! I'd give that nasty monkey a spanking,
but it's contrary to pet detective code for me to harm animals.
Spike, tear his fur off.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Bubba, nobody messes with the do.
Whoa! Rewind.
[MUMBLING]
Hi-ya!
Just a little trick I learned from a Peruvian lion tamer named Cervantes.
Allow me to show you a trick of my own.
Whoa!
Not so fast, Lieutenant.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Yip, yip, yip, yee-ha.
Are you quite the fool, Mr. Ventura?
Just about. Thanks for asking.
Up your nose with a leaner hose.
That's it. Fill those lungs, big boy.
[COUGHING]
The surgeon general warns that inhaling Aguado's socks
may be hazardous to your health.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[SCREAMS]
[HOOTING]
You will regret that.
One more move and I'll serve up a potpourri you won't soon forget.
[LAUGHS]
Mr. Ventura, you of all people should know skunks only spray when they are scared.
Roar!
Ahhh!
Huh? No!
No!
KLAUS: Ahhh!
Bet he doesn't realize he just leapt
into million tons of raw sewage.
Gravy!
Book him, Emilio.
TIMMY: Bringing Millicent home was the best birthday present ever, Ace.
I wasn't able to positively ID her, Timmy,
so you're gonna have to pick her out of the old lineup.
You know what?
I'm gonna keep them all.
Won't that be a bit stinky?
Nah! Skunks only spray when they're scared.
-Surprise! -[SCREAMS]
[ALL SCREAM]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]