[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
All righty, then.
♪ Pet detective on the run
[LAUGHING]
♪ Ace Ventura
[LAUGHING]
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes, yes!
[SHEEP BLEATING]
[SHRIEKING]
♪ Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[LAUGHING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
MR. VENTURA: Sun, warm!
Sun, good!
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]
[WHIMPERS]
[GASPS] Garcon!
More tanning lotion, and bill it to my account.
Shickadance. Mr. Shickadance.
That's S-H-Icka-Dance.
Oh, yeah! Work it, girl!
Sir, a Woodstock is here to see you.
Woodstock, you're looking... pale.
You ought to get out more often.
[STUTTERING] I don't like the sun.
[EXCLAIMING]
The sun is warm, the sun is our friend.
Right, boys?
[CRASHES]
What are you doing out here with all your stuff?
I couldn't make the rent, so old shacky-pants finally evicted me.
And what brings you out of your borough, my maim old man.
I got a job lined up for you. Missing dogs.
Yes! A case!
I can make some moolah and pay the rent.
By the way, the dogs are huskies and the job's in Siberia.
Siberia?
[SHIVERING, TEETH CHATTERING]
The hardships I endure
to come to the rescue of our friends in the animal kingdom.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
[WIND WHOOSHING]
Argh, not again!
[METAL CLANKING]
-[SPIKE SHRIEKS] -Huh?
This can't be happening, we're not gonna make it, Spike!
We're gonna crash!
[SHOUTING] Houston, we have a problem!
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
[ENGINE ACCELERATING]
Next stop, Siberia.
Excellent.
Please have my luggage delivered to my hotel room.
This is the last time you make the travel arrangement, Spike.
Uh-oh! [SCREAMING]
[GROANING]
Ah! Take that! And that and that!
Down, down I say!
Die, duffle bag, die!
-[SPIKE CHITTERING] -Huh?
I'll handle this, Spike.
I've seenNanook of the North five times.
Kojak, kojak, kojak!
What I just said is Eskimo for "hello."
What did he say?
It sounded like, "Your face is melting."
The village elders, no doubt.
I will show my respect in traditional Eskimo fashion.
[GROANS]
[SNIFFING]
[INDISTINCT]
Who is this strange man?
I do not know, but I fear he has ice fever.
They probably think we are white devils who cannot be trusted.
I will tell them that I am king in my own land.
Bender Check.
Bender Check.
-Bender Check. Bender Check. -Bender Check. Bender Check.
[GASPS] It is a challenge, Spike.
They will do business only after I undergo...
the sacred right of Eskimo manhood.
[SHOUTING GIBBERISH]
He may be dangerous.
The ice fever!
I will go protect the women and children.
[CONTINUES IN GIBBERISH]
Hmm.
-[METAL STRIKES] -[MAN SCREAMING IN PAIN]
I got it, I got it.
[YELPING IN PAIN]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
I will make amends for this grave transgression
by entering the cave of the ancient spirits.
Isn't that the cave of the really vicious polar bear?
-Mmm, this ought to be good. -[SPIKE CHITTERING]
Hey, he's the pet detective.
[SCREAMING]
ALL: Ooh!
[MR. VENTURA GRUNTING IN PAIN]
-[SPIKE CHITTERING] -Remain calm, Spike.
They only att*ck you if they smell... fear.
Spike, do something!
[CRYING] Please, don't let it maul me!
Please!
Down! Down, boy!
You certainly do have a way with animals, Mr. Ventura.
Perhaps, we can discuss the case now.
Although, I suggest we converse in English.
All the huskies in the village disappeared without leaving the slightest trace.
They are the finest huskies in Siberia
and our livelihood depends upon them.
I'm sorry, was I not listening?
Say, you got any more hot cocoa?
It's yummy!
Can you help us, Mr. Ventura?
As a matter of fact,
while I was investigating the polar bear's cave,
I just happened to find... this.
You found my TV remote.
I was wondering what happened to that.
I also found this!
[ALL GASP]
What is it?
It appears to be a highly sophisticated remote control device
left by the perpetrator, who, I suspect,
is no ordinary husky wrestler.
How will you use it to find the huskies?
I don't know.
Maybe it's got some sort of tracer signal or something.
We have elected you an honorary member of our tribe.
Here is your honorary tribal card, authentic harpoon,
and introductory issue toEskimo Lifemagazine.
Cool!
We have also chosen an Eskimo name for you.
Don't tell me.
Dances-With-Polar-Bears.
MAN: No.
Speaks-With-Butt.
[WHIMPERING]
I also have a sled to speed you on your journey.
No dogs, just a sled.
[SPIKE SCREECHING]
I think I'll walk.
MAN: Goodbye.
-Goodbye. -Thank you.
CROWD: Goodbye.
Bye.
MR. VENTURA: This is awe inspiring country, Spike.
The cold no longer even bothers me.
The harpoon is guiding me to the dogs.
I can feel my spirit soar.
I hate this place.
We're never gonna find those stupid dogs.
-It's a cold desolate wasteland. -[DIGITAL BEEPING]
Even my underwear is frozen,
and this beeping is driving me insane.
Wait, what's that? It looks like a clue.
My harpoon!
I lost it three days ago.
We've been walking around in a giant circle?
[CRYING] The cursed frozen land!
You may break me but you will never break my spirit!
-[WIND BLOWING] -Okay, okay, I give up.
My spirit says... My spirit says...
[WIND WHOOSHING]
Spike, Spike, I can't see.
I'm snow blind.
-I'm okay, I'm okay. -[FIRE CRACKLING]
Phew! Sure is hot all of a sudden.
Boy, that sun is bright.
So bright!
Garcon, more tanning lotion, please.
Gee, it's great to be back home.
[GROANS]
[GROANING]
[GASPS] All righty, then.
I feel very refreshed.
Spank you for saving me, but I must be on my way.
Hey!
-Not so fast... -Dmitry.
Or whatever your real name is.
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
You mean ex-KGB agent turned international arm smuggler.
Not to mention, master of disguise.
Circus clown, kabuki actor, mime.
You name it.
Pet d*ck looking for lost dogs.
That's your most ridiculous cover story yet.
And although the monkey's a nice touch.
[SPIKE SCREECHING]
Gee, I think you have me confused with someone else.
We've been tracking you for the past six months.
Bosnia, Beirut, Brooklyn.
You vanished at these coordinates
and we thought we'd lost you, until now.
That's exactly what I was going to say.
...of Interpol.
I have also been tracking Dmitry,
and wherever I go, you two seem to be there.
You also seem to know an awful lot about Dmitry.
Perhaps, a little too much.
-Hmm. -Hmm.
Now, Dmitry wouldn't know what any self-respecting, right-minded American would,
namely, who won the US Open golf tournament in .
Uh, Jack Nicklaus.
-Uh, Gary Player. -Nicklaus.
-Player. -Jack.
Gary.
-You're Dmitry. -You're Dmitry.
-No, you're Dmitry. -No, you're Dmitry.
-No, you're Dmitry. -No, you're Dmitry.
No, you're Dmitry.
My hunch says if we find the spot where Dmitry vanished,
we'll find the dogs.
Spike, pinpoint the coordinates.
[CHITTERING]
I don't know how to read it, I thought you did.
Hmm. Groovy!
This is incredible!
It appears to be a UFO!
They probably abducted Dmitry and the huskies for experimental purposes.
Let's check it out!
-[SPIKE AND ACE GASPS] -[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHITTERING]
Okay, so it's not a UFO. You don't have to rub it in.
We seem to be in a secret Russian m*llitary installation.
What a dump!
Hey, what are we creeping around for?
The Cold w*r is over.
The Americans and Russians are good buddies.
Have you discovered the secret yet to how color television work?
It's very complicated, comrade.
We may need to borrow another from the Americans.
MR. VENTURA: Greetings, my friends!
I am Ace Ventura, American pet detective.
I am looking for lost husky dogs.
Arrest them!
That detective looking for lost dogs,
that is most ridiculous story I have heard.
You are American CIA espionage agents
on mission to support Soviet Union
and upset balance of superpowers.
News flash!
The Cold w*r is over.
Cold w*r, over? Who won?
MR. VENTURA: We did!
USA, all the way! USA, all the way!
Ha! This is typical capitalist trick.
I know you are here to steal...
the doomsday device.
The doomsday device?
Yes, the doomsday device!
The super atomic w*apon, capable of destroying half the world.
It could be very dangerous in the wrong hands.
Throw them in stockade!
Hey, Spike, isn't that the Swedish bikini team?
Where? Where?
Bye!
What? Where?
After them!
[upbeat music playing]
Colonel Bariak, KGB.
You are disgrace to your uniform!
I demand you hand over the husky dogs at once.
You take me for a fool?
[SHRIEKS] Gee, it worked on the CIA guys.
For resisting arrest, punishment will be hard.
[SPIKE SCREECHING]
Spike, how dare you! I'm no capitalist stooge.
So your Minky has confessed!
Welcome to glorious cause of international communism, Comrade Spike.
Weenie!
Okay, you're not a weenie, now open the door.
[SPIKE CHITTERING]
My daily rations.
Yummy!
Ice water, they have an ice maker in Siberia?
Eureka! Let me out, Spike. I know where the dogs are.
Forget the revolution, the cold w*r is over.
Capitalism won!
And in the capitalist society, we must pay for our food and rent.
So no dogs, no pay, no eat!
Comrade custodian, could you kindly direct me to meat locker?
Spank you, comrade.
[CHITTERING]
I'll show you how I know. Hi-yah!
I found a hair in my ice water.
Ew! [GAGGING]
Not just any hair, the hair of Canis Siberius,
the Siberian husky, which can easily survive in sub-zero temperatures,
which means the dogs must be in the meat locker.
[DOGS WHINING]
Who wants doggy treats?
I do! I do!
LUKOV: Back into your cell!
Commissar Lukov, or should I say Dmitry!
What are you talking about?
You're really an international arm smuggler, disguised as Commissar Lukov,
so you can infiltrate the space and steal the doomsday device
but you need a transportation to carry the b*mb across the tundra,
so you stole these huskies
which means... [DEEP BREATH] not only are you a husky rustler,
you're also a rusky hustler.
Looking for this?
No, this!
[BOTH SCREAM]
Sic him boys!
[LUKOV GROANS]
Did you really think you could fool me
with those ridiculous fake eyebrows?
I mean, come on!
[GROANS IN PAIN]
They're so pony!
Boy, these things are really on there.
JANITOR: Freeze, Mr. Ace Ventura!
You were right about everything,
except for the fact that...
I am Dmitry.
-[BOTH GASP] -[SPIKE SQUEAKING]
Okay, so it was the janitor.
But I was right about the butler in the case of the Pilfered Parakeet.
[GASPS] You found my detonator!
I was wondering what happened to that.
You're right, Mr. Ace Ventura,
the capitalists did win the cold w*r.
So I intend to make a lot of money
selling the doomsday device to the highest bidder.
[EVIL LAUGH]
[THUDDING]
[GROANS IN PAIN]
It's no use, door is made of inches of reinforced steel.
It would take nuclear b*mb to open.
I don't think so.
[BELLOWING]
[CLATTERING]
Yes! Can you feel it?
Can...
Thank you, polar comrade!
[DOG BARKS DISTANTLY]
Unleash those dogs!
Mush!
-Dmitry, you're going down! -[ENGINE WHIRRING]
MAN : No, you're Dmitry.
MAN : No, you're Dmitry.
No, you're Dmitry.
[upbeat music playing]
[SPIKE AND ACE YELLING]
Mush!
He's getting away, man!
[SHRIEKS]
Mush, you worthless mutts!
[ENGINE REVVING]
Mush!
[DOG WHIMPERING]
Mush!
Ahhh!
[HUSKIES HOWLING]
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
[WATER SPUTTERING]
Man, that's cold!
Do you have any lip balm?
No, but it appears that I have the upper hand.
One step closer, and your dogs go kapowski!
[HUSKIES PANTING]
You wouldn't dare!
Shoelace alert.
Whoa!
Made you look!
Mine! Mine!
[GRUNTS]
...now that's sensible.
Got you!
Say goodbye to the entire Northern Hemisphere Mr...
I don't think so.
Anyone ever tell you that you have a big mouth, Dmitry?
[MUMBLING]
The sooner I return the dogs to our Eskimo comrades, the sooner I get paid.
So I can move back into my nice warm apartment
with the gas heater and the nearby beach and warm sun.
Oh, yeah!
Soadiosandarigato, Commissar Lukov.
Russian people are grateful to you
for saving world, comrades!
[MUMBLING]
And I suggest you make sure this never falls into the wrong hands again.
[DEVICE BEEPING]
[GASPS]
[BEEPING INTENSIFIES]
It's a dud!
That figures!
No wonder you guys lost the Cold w*r.
That wouldn't have happened if we built it.
USA, all the way!
USA, all the way!
USA, all the way!
MR. VENTURA: Mush! Mush!
LUKOV: You insult Mother Russia!
Arrest him!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]