[OPENING THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
All righty, then.
♪ Pet Detective on the run
[GIGGLING]
♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
♪ Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet Detective on the run ♪
[CHUCKLING]
Squirm all you like, you've had it now, Ace Ventura.
[WHIRRING]
[YELLING] I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
Perhaps if you turn off the big saw...
I hope you don't mind, Ventura,
but I've got to split.
[LAUGHS]
Spike, it's up to you, little janger.
You've gotta get me out of this tighty.
[GRUNTING]
Yes, yes, Monkey-man's got the move!
-Spike! -[SHRIEKS]
Spike! Spike!
[SAW WHIRS]
Spike, you really hurt me.
The kind of hurt that goes way down deep.
I mean, really deep.
Heck, all the way down about here deep.
Spanks to you, partner, I was cut in half.
[CHITTERING]
Okay, maybe not technically cut in half,
but those were really severe rope-burns.
Lucky for you, that temporary power outage provided me
with just the time I needed to escape my bonds,
whereupon I promptly pursued Mr. Happy Jack through the woods,
distracted him with my Red Riding Hood disguise,
and snatched the beavers away,
cleverly switching them with synthetic fur-covered ice sculptures.
[LAUGHS] Hey!
And I did it all, no spanks to you...
Spike!
I can't count on you to come through for me in a tighty.
And I'm not gonna take it anymore!
MAN : Hey! Keep it down!
MAN : We're trying to sleep here, hey!
[LAUGHS]
Spike, you're fired!
[SCREECHING]
Oh, sure!
The "you can't fire me, because I quit" bit again!
Well, not this time, monkey-breath.
[MUMBLING]
I'll get the door.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
[GASPS]
Yeah, same to you, Bonzo!
And you're ugly!
Spike?
Spike!
[CRYING]
[STRUMMING GUITAR]
♪ I've lost my friend
♪ Oh, woe is me
♪ He's gone and left
♪ Well... ♪
[SQUEALING]
All righty.
Oh, Spike!
[CRYING]
-[CHITTERS] -Spike! Spike!
Oh, it's just my heartbroken imagination
playing tricks on me.
[MUFFLED SCREAM]
[SIGHS]
MR. SHICKADANCE: Ventura!
Shaky Pants! The beavers!
You think that's Monkey-man?
I know you're in there, Ventura!
I can hear you hammering and scratching and jumping.
How are you this morning, Mr. Shickadance?
All righty, then. Sorry about the noise, of course.
There are no beavers here, sir!
Beavers?
Who said anything about beavers?
Hmm?
[ACE GASPS]
Spike's not back!
Spike always comes back!
He must be really mad at me.
I hate you, Ventura!
[SAD MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHINES]
[GASPS] Hmm.
[GASPS]
Spike, old chum, I hope you're happy wherever you are.
I'll miss the way you hog the blankets,
the way you drank milk right out of the carton
and put it back empty.
[BUZZING]
The way you used my toothbrush
as your own personal grooming tool,
and the way you smudged up the windows
with your smelly banana breath
and crazy flea-picking fingers!
[CRIES]
[GASPS]
Hey, now, wait a minute!
Those grubby paw and birthmarks are outside.
It wasn't my heartbroken imagination.
Spike was at the window last night.
Having a laugh at my expense, no doubt!
MR. SHICKADANCE: Ventura, I hear noise!
It's your big mouth yakking,
but it's something else, too, like running water.
Gee, I always jiggle the handle after I flush.
[GNAWING]
I just can't imagine what it could be.
Why are you outside in your underwear?
You would notice now, wouldn't you?
[GROANS]
I really hate you!
-[WALL CRACKING] -[SCREAMS]
[GURGLING]
Ventura!
[GASPS] What's this?
Aha!
Monkey hair!
[SNIFFS]
South American Capuchin monkey named Spike hair, in fact.
[CHOMPING]
Hold the flea powder!
This monkey hair is ripe with monkey adrenaline,
specifically fear-based monkey adrenaline,
but what scared Spike, or who?
Spike didn't leave me, Spike was monkey-napped!
[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[SPIKE WHINING]
Rupert, did you bring the merchandise?
Sure thing, boss. It's in the truck.
Delicious!
By tomorrow morning,
the merchandise will be far, far away from here,
and I will be well on my way to amassing a small fortune
by selling flamingos.
[CHUCKLES]
A most lucrative caper indeed.
Whoa, Mr. Lardus, you give me the chills!
I'm gonna be a smuggler kingpin just like you someday.
You are most flattering.
Klaus, see he doesn't leave here alive.
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
What was that?
A little something extra I picked up for myself.
[GROANING]
See? I told you I was gonna be just like you.
[HISSES]
You baboon!
No, I'm sure it's a monkey.
Not it, you!
[GRUNTS]
[SCREECHING]
Keep this monkey away from here.
Does this mean you don't like my monkey?
I like evil monkeys.
You kidnapped Ace Ventura's monkey.
[SCREAMS]
Take that animal and leave Ventura
on the wildest goose chase your brain can handle.
Lead him anywhere, I don't care.
Just keep him away from here, away from the docks!
Then will you get me one of those little red hats,
so I can look like you?
[SCREAMS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Now, where to begin?
A truly adept super sleuth always knows
where to find a lead.
Hey, Ace Ventura, check it out!
[SHRIEKING]
Spike! Man, I'm good!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHIMPERING]
I want my monkey!
Wow, I'm bad! Mr. Lardus is gonna love this!
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
[SIGHS]
Away from the docks!
Right, away from the docks!
Hi!
[HORN HONKS]
KIDS: Yippie!
The ice-cream man!
I want some ice-cream!
-GIRL : Ice-cream! -BOY : Ice-cream!
Ice-cream!
[KIDS GROAN]
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
If the city's a concrete jungle,
then I'm an urban gorilla.
[HOOTS]
[GRUNTS]
So, I guess I'll call you sometime.
By the way, Slugo, you smell terrific.
[GASPS]
[SPIKE WHINING]
Spike!
[GROANS]
-[ROARS] -[SCREAMS]
[MEOWS]
-[SCREAMS] -[HISSES]
Sigh!
[SCREAMS]
Spike!
[WHINES]
Gee, Spike, seems like you're really in a tighty, aren't you?
Now, if I were in a tighty,
you'd stick with me like a fanny to a toilet seat, wouldn't you?
I mean, it's not like you're about to be cut in half or anything,
but nevertheless, bet you'd like some help, huh?
[MUMBLING]
Just messing with your monkey mind, Spike.
Thank Saint Francis, you're all right!
Yes, who's a good boy?
[GRUNTING]
[MUMBLING]
What? What is it, monkey monkleton?
[MUMBLING]
Okay, you're fat.
[GRUMBLING]
You're fat.
[MUMBLING]
You're still fat.
[SCREAMS]
My face!
You're fat and you're evil!
Phatteus Lardus!
[GIGGLING]
Hey!
Well, well, if it ain't Swifty-Larue,
infamous monkey smuggler.
-And we got him red-handed. -You're coming with us, Larue.
Gentlemen, there's been a misunderstanding,
that's my monkey.
He's the man you want, officers, not me.
There's Larue!
[GIGGLING]
"Deep apologies!"
"Case of mistaken identity!"
Phooey! Tell it to my monkey!
[PHONE RINGS]
-Ace here. -WOODSTOCK:Hey, man!
A big Miami caper's going down.
Could be the biggest animal job this town's ever seen!
Hmm.
The missing link, perhaps. Woodstock, I'm on my way!
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
What's the secret password, man?
Do not go in there!
Ace, what's up, pup?
No time for chit-chat, KitKat.
Tell me quick, the big Miami caper, what is it?
Every pink flamingo in town
snatched up all at once, Ace-nator.
Hmm.
Pink flamingo feathers are quite valuable
on the international black market.
Thus, I'm sure an attractive commodity
for the likes of Lardus.
I find the flamingos, I find Spike.
Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like a little privacy, please!
[SNIFFING]
Do you see these tracks?
The tires of your police regulation vehicles sport zigzag tracks,
but these tire tread tracks indicate zag-zig treads.
Find the vehicle that matches those treads, Starsky.
And I find the flamingo-nappers.
And my monkey.
I told you to keep that monkey away from here.
Don't worry, Mr. Lardus.
I've seen Ventura get arrested with my own two eyes.
He ain't giving us no trouble.
He better not, and who said you could eat on my time!
[CHUCKLES]
Just trying to get big and fat, so I can scare people,
you know, like you!
I attained my elegant stature
by dining on caviar and steak tartare
from the world's finest kitchens,
not on greasy snack foods like you!
[AIRCRAFT WHIRRING]
[GROANS] Delicious!
Mr. Ventura is now officially too late to stop my plan.
[LAUGHS]
Excellent! That's all the flamingos.
And I'll take the monkey,
just in case Klaus gets hungry.
[LAUGHS]
Come on, I liked that monkey!
Pilot, we are ready for take-off.
Gee, if I knew there's gonna be a blimp here,
I'd have left the plane at home.
-Ventura! -ACE: Spank you!
[SCREAMS]
Yes, yes! What a feeling! Monkey-man's back in town!
We got the flamingos, we got the plane,
and we got the b*at.
Let's hit it!
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]
Wow, my very own hat!
I'm coming for you, Mr. Lardus,
I won't let you down. I'm coming, I'm coming!
[RUMBLES]
Away from the dock, away from the dock!
Gosh, I just don't understand why we can't gain altitude.
The forecast was right, buggy, with a chance of fat guy.
[SCREAMING]
ACE: You smelly, jelly-belly! Taking my monkey!
If you had a neck, I'd break it!
[GRUNTS]
You hear something?
[GRUNTING]
Say goodbye, Mr. Ventura!
Gee, anybody ever tell you you've got flair?
[GROANS]
[GASPS]
[EXPLODES]
Say bye-bye birdie, flying bucket!
No, my merchandise!
[GASPING]
[SQUAWKING]
[CHEERING]
Those flamingos were worth a fortune!
Which I'm now going to take out of your hide!
Oh, sure, let's do everything you wanna do!
[GROANS]
[ACE GRUNTS]
All righty, this could be trouble!
[SCREAMING]
LARDUS: Mr. Ventura, I'd like to stay,
and see the look on your face
when you crash in a spectacular fireball,
but it's time for brunch.
-I am sure you'll forgive me. -Gee, let me think!
[HOOTING]
Spike, you're my only hope!
[SHRIEKS]
Oh, isn't that so typical!
You just can't teach an old monkey new tricks.
So that's what this is all about, eh?
[LAUGHS]
You must be more careful
choosing your companions, Mr. Ventura.
Wouldn't you say, Klaus?
[GIGGLES]
-What? -Spike!
You little weasel, take your hands off me.
Klaus, do something!
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMS]
[THUDS]
That's your ball or mine?
Must be yours, mine don't have a monkey on it.
Yes, yes, yes, monkey's got the chops!
I knew you'd come through for me in the end.
[GASPS]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING]
Spike, old buddy, I'm sorry I ever doubted you.
Hey, let's never fight again, okay?
Hmm.
[CHUCKLES]
[SCREAMS] No gas!
You know, I have a sudden craving for a parachute.
I wonder why that is.
Hey!
[YELLS]
Ha!
[SCREAMS]
Spike!
Spike!
[CHITTERING]
This time, it's personal! Spike!
[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]