[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
Alrighty, then.
♪ Pet Detective on the run
[LAUGHING]
[TRUMPETING]
♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
♪ Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet Detective on the run ♪
[LAUGHING]
VENTURA: Canine car, forward march.
Ace Ventura, pet detective, dog walker,
chartered member of the ASPCA and psychic pets network.
[ALL SNIFFING]
[SIGHS]
Oh, pooh monkey.
[MUMBLING]
Hey, I didn't make the stupid scoop laws.
[MUMBLING]
Remember, Spike,
we're not in the walking business for the glamour.
We're in it for the money...
and the parts.
Okay, fellas, as rehearsed,
cool, casual and no sniffing the poodle.
Good evening.
Your pooch has a lovely quah not unlike my own.
[GIGGLES]
[SHRIEKS]
Whoa! Heel! Down! Sit!
Take care, now. Bye-bye now.
-[SHRIEKS] -[SCREAMS]
[BARKING]
My spine!
-[LAUGHING] -[CAT MEOWS]
Hmm. She's unusual and exotic,
not your standard issue alley cat.
Ergo...
I smell reward.
The reigns claw.
[SCREECHES]
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Here, pretty kitty.
-Here, girl. -[PURRS]
Oh, the international gesture of feline friendship.
And bottoms up to you too.
Now, let's see where you belong.
Gee, I don't happen to be fluent in ancient Egyptian,
but I guess you won't mind if I call you Cleopatra.
Don't be afraid, Cleo.
[MUFFLED GROANING]
[SQUEALS]
[SNIFFS]
Hey, those are nasty smelling, smelling salts.
[GIGGLES]
[BELCHES]
[ALL GASP]
-Archaeology Department? -Uh-huh.
Handle with care. It's a priceless artifact.
Professor Fossil, it's a pleasure.
Funny how some people look like their names.
Ahem, over here. I am professor Fossil.
[CHUCKLES]
Got ya. Ace Ventura, pet detective.
I'm looking for a lost cat.
One that walks like this and talks like this.
[MEOWS]
[GASPS]
And looks like that.
The likeness of the Egyptian cat goddess Bastet.
Mr. Ventura, that cat is a Mau.
Mau's have been extinct for centuries.
Extinct?
Well, what would you say if I told you I saw one last night?
I'd say you were insane.
[SIGHS]
But you're missing my point.
Uh-oh.
Can you tell me why someone would catnap a Mau?
The curse of the golden Mau.
[SNEEZES]
Gesundheit. Hanky?
[SNEEZES]
Obviously not two ply.
Now tell me more about this curse.
The golden Mau is a legendary priceless statue
purported to be buried in a tomb
deep inside the lost temple.
Legend states
that a living descendant of the cat goddess Bastet
must accompany whomever should enter the tomb,
that is if they want to stay...
[SNEEZES]
...alive.
Spooky. Spank you for your time, professor
and my regards to Maryanne.
Do you mind if I borrow your urn?
[GROANS]
I promise not to break it.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Mmm.
Your attention, por favor. I'm looking for this cat.
[ALL LAUGHING]
The Mau is extinct.
[LAUGHS]
Spank you very much.
Lunar eclipse?
Not quite, but the moon is full.
Huh? Phatteus Lardus,
nefarious international animal pet smuggler.
Funny our paths should cross in the land of the pharaohs.
Not so funny if he has Cleo locked in that case.
The golden Mau is priceless,
which makes it right up Lardus' alley.
[SNIFFS]
Hmm... Someone's having a barbecue.
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
Shh! We're on a stakeout.
[GRUNTING]
[MUMBLING]
Yeah, well, my guy was bigger.
Animal furs!
I am not climbing into that lovely basket of death.
Alrighty, then.
But, sir...
There's no time for butts buster,
nine lives hang in the balance
and they all belong to one cat.
[SIGHS]
Follow that fat man.
And they call me crazy.
Cobras.
Crazy Hakeem sells the finest cobras in all of Egypt.
Cobras. Get your cobras here.
No, no.
[SCREAMS]
Ah, Mr. Lardus, you have come for your merchandise.
You're a man of great taste and stature.
A wonderful piece, no?
I guarantee that the hieroglyphs
are not the mystery
to the whereabouts of the last temple. [LAUGHS]
Delicious.
Re-he-he-eally?
So the human dumpling is after the golden Mau.
Snake? Snake?
Snakes!
The artifact is exquisite.
Not so fast. My payment.
The belts are in the basket.
[SCREAMS]
I touched it. I touched it.
It's hurting. I felt it. I touched it.
[SCREAMS]
-Actually, Egyptian cobras... -Ace Ventura?
That's my name, don't wear it out.
Now, hand over the cat.
Whatever are you talking about?
Your innocent act doesn't carry much weight, Lardus.
Pity the same can't be said for your pants.
[GROWLS]
You're after the lost temple,
more specifically, the golden Mau locked within its tomb.
Unfortunately, without a living descendant of Bastet,
you'd walk out with a big fat curse
on your bigger fatter head, so that's why you took Cleo.
Hmm?
Good luck on your cat hunt, Mr. Ventura.
I have a lost temple to find.
You really didn't take Cleo, did you?
[SCREAMS]
Thank you, Cairo. Good night.
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMS]
[GROANING]
I've got a better chance of finding Cleo with this.
Spank you so much.
[SCREAMING]
[GROANS] Ow, ow, ow!
No, no! Poison doesn't agree with me.
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Ah! My second favorite wind instrument.
Get it off.
Oh, the humanity.
[SCREAMS]
Get it off. Get it off!
[GROWLING]
[SCREAMS]
You are dead meat, Mr. Ventura!
Got to catch me first, King Kong.
Play that monkey music, Spike boy.
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Going up.
[GIGGLES]
Uh-oh!
Ow!
Spank you, Klaus.
Spike, my hunch is if we find the lost temple we find Cleo.
[LAUGHS]
[SHRIEKS]
VENTURA: Settle down, you two,
don't make me turn the car around and drive back home.
I'm a little rusty on my ancient languages,
but I think it says travel north to Heliopolis.
Then west to Imhotep.
If you pass Ra's Original Pizza, you've gone too far.
[GASPS]
[SCREAMS]
The last clue,
a vulture's head on the body of a swimsuit model?
But what can it mean?
Come for the water and stay for the clap dancing.
Creepy.
[SCREAMS]
Water, water!
Yummy.
[GASPS]
Wet my whistle, sugar.
I may be dehydrated,
but I'm real, real, real...
Fruit juice?
Like your friend has remarkable endurance for the desert.
Vulture head, lost temple, vulture temple, lost head.
Temple vulture, vulture's head...
Lost, lost, lost.
No strength.
Need water.
Yes, yes!
Water.
Lovely liquid refreshment.
[GULPING]
This is not quenching my thirst.
[RUMBLING]
Sand shark.
[SCREAMS]
Huh?
We're surrounded. Save me, Spike, save me!
[GROANS]
My, aren't I the buffoon?
Two stone formations in the middle of nowhere,
what can it mean?
Watch it you, you, you vultures!
Vulture?
The sign of the vulture, the final hieroglyph.
Spike, we must be really close.
[GIGGLES]
Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!
Yes!
The lost temple is the found temple.
Ancient pharaoh cats.
Ancient pharaoh cats in the no-ho, Spike.
Way to go-o, Spike. See you later, you lo-oo-sers!
[MEOWS]
Spike, it's Cleo. Follow that meow.
These ancient temples are filled with booby traps.
Every step could be your last,
so follow me and touch nothing.
You could get your face slapped.
Ew!
You'd think a goddess could get someone in to clean.
[PANTING]
Let's take five and think this through.
[SCREAMING]
[MUMBLING]
-[MEOWS] -[BOTH GASP]
I thought I saw a Mau cat.
I did. I did saw a Mau cat.
Cleopatra, Your Majesty, Queen of the Nile.
Yeow!
So we meet again, Senor,
or should I call you Professor Fossil?
Gee, maybe I should call you Indiana Fossil.
Rather heroic looking getup for a great plunderer.
Archaeology doesn't pay. Plundering does.
I didn't spend years tracing the bloodline
of the last living descendant of the Bastet
only to have some private eye with funny hair
blunder upon her.
Say hello to the spirit world, pet d*ck.
[SCREAMING]
Man, that's smart.
Yeow!
Spank you, nurse Helperton.
It's only a very large, near-fatal flesh wound.
Yeow!
Here.
You do it.
When you knocked me out in that alley,
I bet you didn't realize I was the world's best
and only pet detective.
Bet you were really surprised
when I showed up on your doorstep the next day
looking for Cleo. Hmm?
Little did I know, she was in your office
right under my nose.
Your allergies should have given it away.
Am I correct?
[SNEEZES]
Ew!
Cover your mouth!
Excellent recap, Mr. Ventura but you forgot to mention
the part about stealing a certain stone tablet
from a notorious smuggler.
Let's see you try to remember all that
while engaged in climactic fisticuffs.
How did you find us without the tablet anyway?
It was easy, thanks to you.
[GROANS]
Yeah, it doesn't get much uglier.
LARDUS: I must thank you for informing me of the curse, my boy.
Now, I will enter the tomb
with the last living descendant of Bastet.
Just one problem.
I don't think she likes your monkey.
[CAT MEOWS]
Klaus, the cat.
I got you.
Get him.
[GASPS]
-That's golden Mau. -The golden Mau.
-It's mine. -Mine. No, mine.
Aren't you forgetting just one incy wincy pincy jincy,
kincy fincy, tincy quincy splincy,
itty bitty little thing?
Without this, you should not be in there.
Something about an ancient, re-eally bad curse?
Hmm?
[BOTH GASP]
BOTH: You don't really believe in curses.
-Do you? -Do you?
[MOANING]
Ventura, stop the curse.
I will reward you handsomely, my boy.
Spank you very kindly, but I'm already handsome.
Klaus, stop the curse. Help me.
Do something, Klaus.
[MOANING]
Klaus, but...
[MOANING]
We've been fooled.
By simian Spike, master of disguise.
I've trained you well.
That curse is a crock.
What is it?
It's been a real that fast, catch you kids later.
Bye-bye, now.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Spike, I will not have that creepy cursed
blood money souvenir in my house.
Ow!
[RUMBLING]
[GRUNTS]
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Like a lumberjack.
[ALL SCREAM]
[ALL GROAN]
Unlike a cat, I rarely land on my feet.
[GRUNTS]
Whoa!
Fat man flying!
Gee, archaeologists are going to have to dig deep
for that fossil.
-[RUMBLING] -Huh?
We're really going to have to find you
-some new living quarters. -[PURRS]
[PURRS]
Oh, pooh monkey.
[MUMBLING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]