[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
Alrighty, then.
♪ Pet Detective on the run
[LAUGHING]
[TRUMPETING]
♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
[BIRD CHIRPING]
[SCREAMS]
♪ Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet Detective on the run ♪
[LAUGHING]
[g*nsh*t]
[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTING]
The big city is so exciting, Ed.
Wait till we tell them about this back in Iowa.
Well, I'm as well, but I can hardly wait to get to Orlando.
[ALL GRUNT]
You let go of my dog!
Help, thief!
Dognapper!
-[ALARM BLARING] -[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Major John Stock,
your mission is of the utmost importance.
-We need you to find a dog. -I do not do dogs.
This is no ordinary dog.
Our courier was attempting to flee enemy agents
and planted the Bularus chip on the dog.
The dog was subsequently kidnapped by Bruno,
an international mercenary in the employ of Max Blowhard.
JOHN: Blowhard, the most ruthless
and dangerous criminal mastermind in the world?
Our intelligence reports indicate
that Bruno will be traveling
on the Trans-European b*llet train
from Amsterdam to Athens.
Your mission is to intercept the dog
and retrieve the chip before it reaches Blowhard.
I am on the job, sir.
[CRYING]
WOMAN: This is a picture of Axel on his last birthday.
An Australian sheepdog, six years old, very well fed.
Can you describe the dognapper?
It snapped this picture of him
just before he grabbed Axel.
Judging by his looks I'd say he's a man named Bruno
who intends to transport the dog from Amsterdam to Athens
via the Trans-European b*llet train.
You can tell all that just by looking at him?
Not exactly.
He's wearing a name tag and the train ticket
is sticking out of his shirt pocket.
Ace, Ace, on your case.
Yes, yes.
[BELL DINGING]
[SCREAMS]
-[CLATTERS] -[ALL GASP]
Alrighty, then.
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
I would like the pate de foie gras and the salad nicoise.
A most excellent choice, sir.
Is this seat taken?
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
[SNIFFS]
[SLURPS]
[GARGLES]
-May I be of service, sir? -No, spank you.
I brought my own,
unless you've got some of those curly fries.
We do not serve curly fries. And for you, sir?
Hey, are those D glasses?
[MUMBLING]
Think fast.
Can't you see this man is blind? You must be insane.
If you have a point to make, make it.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Aha!
Ha! Did you expect me to fall for that blind man routine?
No, but I expect you to wilt like a weed.
[GRUNTS]
Hi-ya!
Bone. I broke the bone. [SOBS]
Don't move or my cleverly disguised w*apon
will emit a poisonous gas.
Re-he-he-eally? Pull my finger.
Oh, yeah.
[FARTING]
[COUGHS]
SBD, baby. Silent But Deadly.
Come on, boy. We've got a plane to catch.
Who do you work for? Interpol, CIA, Mossad?
You are a pet detective.
A pet detective revealed my identity
and subverted my mission?
John Stock, Secret Service.
Hey, you're a secret agent.
I'm not a secret agent.
I hate to tell you this,
but your license to k*ll is expired.
It did.
Woo, gotcha!
Very well, I am a secret agent
but it's supposed to be a secret.
Wow! A real secret agent, man.
Can I have your autograph? Go on, sign my face.
Don't touch that. It's a nuclear...
[EXPLODES]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Gee, the pen is mightier than the sword.
Axel!
-Loser! -Hey, that's my line.
I can't believe
I'm on the same case as a real secret agent.
-Partner. -We are not partners.
In fact, I intend to get rid of you as soon as possible.
Yes, Stock.
I'm stranded in the Austrian Alps.
I'll require my Lawrence Martin.
Right on it, old man.
Neato! A super secret agent watch.
Can you play video games on it? Huh? Huh?
This is not a toy.
[JUDDERING]
Boy, they're fast.
This is the same kind of car James Bond drives.
Does this thing have a radio?
[BEEPS]
JOHN: Don't touch that.
It's the button to my ejector seat.
Please, just keep your hands off.
It's okay, man. I'm cool.
Boy, pets sure must be important in your country
if they'd send the secret service to find a lost dog.
I do not do lost dogs.
That dog is carrying a computer chip
which holds the fate of the free world in the balance.
I have orders to destroy the dog
if necessary to keep the chip
from falling into the wrong hands.
[COUGHS]
Re-he-he-eally?
That's a lovely license to k*ll pets you have.
Partner.
[SCREAMS]
Did I mention I have a license to protect pets?
The dog is ours, Mr. Blowhard.
Excellent. Bring him to me.
[MEOWS]
It's not here.
Go over this dog from head to toe.
Turn him inside out if necessary.
I want that chip.
[BARKS]
[ALARM BLARING]
Next, our intelligence reports
that super-agent John Stock is on our trail.
Yes, a most peculiar man
confronted me aboard the train.
I took the surveillance photo of him.
I expected him to be more, more handsome.
It must be Stock. He is a very clever master of disguise.
I want Stock eliminated at all costs.
[EXPLODES]
[GROANS] That buffoon.
I better call headquarters immediately.
-My watch! -Stock, this is the Chief.
The number you have reached is no longer in service.
-Stock, come in Stock. -This is Stock, John Stock.
Ah, good.
I'm not home right now,
so please leave a message after the beep.
Eeee!
-Is that you, Stock? -It's me.
I'm a very clever master of disguise, you know.
Excellent, I wouldn't have recognized you.
I need the latest intelligence reports
on the location of the dog.
Bruno was last seen in Cairo
where we have reserved a room for you in the Hotel Fez.
And be careful, Stock, this is a very dangerous assignment.
Danger is my specialty.
Alrighty, then.
It's also a convertible, cookie.
[RICOCHET]
So you like to play rough, huh?
Well, two can play at that game.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
NEWS ANCHOR:In other news,
the green party staged a protest in parliament.
[g*nshots]
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
He doesn't realize I catch b*ll*ts with my teeth.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Whoa!
[GASPS]
[SCREAMS]
It's the bone. [SOBS]
I broke the bone.
Again, with the stolen line.
[SCREAMS]
I sure hope this thing's got a life preserver.
Groovy.
Next stop, Cairo.
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Welcome to the Hotel Fez, sir.
Monkey suit, cool jetpack, toothbrush, cologne bottle,
razor, no doubt all lethal spy weapons.
[GROANING]
Thank you, my good man.
-[BELL DINGS] -You have a room reserved for me,
the name is Stock, John Stock!
Please, sign the register.
[EXPLODES]
Bet your pen can't do that.
Ooh!
Vah! Va-va-va-voom! You're on my pillow.
You must be the mint.
-I'm Nadja and you must be... -Ace Ven...
The suave and sophisticate John Stock.
The man no woman can resist.
Is it that obvious?
Can I offer you a drink?
Sarsaparilla, I prefer mine shaken not stirred.
-[GASPS] -[LAUGHS]
Care to hear my animal impressions?
Oh, yes, John, become an animal.
Puck, puck, puck, puck. Quack, quack, quack.
Ruff, ruff. Meow, meow.
Ee-ee-o-o.
I am also adept at magic tricks.
[YELLS]
Excuse me, but I must powder my nose.
Oh, I get you.
[MIMICKING FLATULENCE]
Go right ahead.
[BEEPS]
[GROANING]
I thought you'd never finish.
[ACE GRUNTING]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Now, where were we?
[EXPLODES]
Do not go in there.
Whoa!
Hey, I wonder if they getBaywatchhere.
[GRUNTS] I can't stand it anymore.
Nor can I. Don't fight it, baby.
Give me some sugar.
[SMOOCHES]
How did you like that, doll face?
[PANTING]
I tried to make this easy, Mr. Stock,
but you have left me no choice.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
I have orders from Blowhard
to eliminate you, Mr. John Stock.
I'm not really John Stock. I'm just a pet detective.
[SOBS] Please, don't k*ll me, I beg you.
Please!
No!
I can't do it.
The begging for mercy routine actually worked?
You didn't think I'd fall for that?
-Well... -I've fallen for you, John.
It's my hair, isn't it?
Nobody's ever kissed me that way before.
I thought you would be like all the other secret agents,
stuffy and British but you, you're different.
I know.
For instance, I'll bet none of them can do this.
Puck, puck, puck!
I'll do anything for you, John, anything.
Anything?
Tell me where Blowhard's secret hideout is.
It's... it's located inside Egypt's historic Aswan Dam.
Alrighty, then.
[EGYTIAN FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]
What is this?
[GROANS]
-It was a flea. -I found it.
The chip is in the dog's stomach.
Excellent.
The supercomputer chip will allow me to release
all the nuclear weapons on earth,
unless of course the governments of the world
pay me $ billion.
What are you waiting for? Cut the dog open.
[WHIMPERS]
VENTURA: Do anything more than tickle that dog's tummy
and I'll gas ya.
Stock.
That's right and this may look like an ordinary bottle
of overpriced French cologne
but it actually contains a lethal gas.
Don't make me use it.
[PANTING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[SNIFFS]
Fragrant, yet masculine.
It is French cologne. After him.
Whoa!
Wait!
[ALL GASP]
[WHIRRING]
Doesn't any of this stuff work?
With my luck this is probably a porta potty.
[g*nshots]
[GIGGLES]
Whoa, whoa! [GROANS]
[SCREAMS]
Hey, I think I got the hang of it.
After him!
Fear no more, my canine compadre.
Soon, you shall be home where you belong.
[GRUNTING]
I want that dog, partner.
Boo-hoo. This is actually a lethal super spy w*apon.
No, it's not, it's my electric razor.
[WHIRRING]
-Who are you? -Stock, John Stock.
Well, if he is Stock, who are you?
Ventura, Ace Ventura, pet detective.
I'm running a special this week on marsupials.
A pet detective?
My sinister plot to take over the world
was almost foiled by a pet detective.
No matter, I shall take care of both of you
after I remove the chip from the dog's stomach.
[LAUGHS]
But not before I destroy the dog
to keep you from getting the chip.
Both of you leave the dog alone because I have the chip.
What do you mean?
How shall I put this discreetly?
Moments before you arrived,
Axel took care of a little business.
[PANTING]
-Take it easy. Take it easy. -Take it easy.
-Not so fast. -VENTURA: Who wants it?
Let's flip.
Heads, Blowhard wins, tails, he loses.
-No! -No!
[GROANING]
You idiot!
If Blowhard gets that chip,
the fate of the entire world will be in jeopardy.
Faked you guys out.
He's looking for a nickel,
but the chip is still right here in the dog doo.
[BARKS]
[GRUNTS]
-[CAR HORN HONKS] -Hello, handsome.
[DOG PANTING]
[BARKING]
By the way, I think you wanted this.
[GRUNTS]
-Who are you? -Stock, John Stock.
British intelligence at your service.
If he is John Stock, who are you?
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
You're not secret agent? You're just pet detective?
I'm the real secret agent.
Care to join me for an urgent mission in Monte-Carlo?
[SCREAMS]
Are all pet detectives as wonderful as you?
I'm an original, baby. The one and only.
[SCREAMING]
[VENTURA LAUGHING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]