[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[HOOTING]
[SQUEAKING]
[SQUAWKING]
[MUNCHING]
[HOWLING]
Quiet!
I am trying to get my beauty sleep.
[ANIMALS SCREECHING]
[GRUNTS]
[SCREECHING RESUMES]
[SCREECHING RESUMES]
[GROWLING]
-[ANIMALS SCREECHING] -[SCREAMS]
I'll have to take more extreme measures.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, dog breath.
This is the story of Dragon Guy.
[SQUAWKING]
So, it's a phone book. Pretend it's a story book.
Our story takes place in the dark ages.
A time of ignorance...
[ALL VOCALIZING]
ACE:...superstition, and barberism.
No wait! That should be barbarism.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, and no cable.
[GASPS]
ACE:Times were especially harsh
for our friends in the animal kingdom.
Hey!
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
Hey!
That's my finest sheep dog.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
[MIMICS FANFARE]
Unhand that pig. [GASPS]
[SCREAMS]
Unhand that pig, fellow mercenary.
Who dares block the path of the Black Knight of Falworth?
Ace Venturus, pet finder.
Out of my way, pet finder.
No way, Jose.
Then you shall taste the edge of old steel.
Oh, really?
Not before you feel the razor sharp bite
-of my rabid monkey. -[SCREECHING]
[SCREAMS]
[WHIMPERING]
Spike!
[SCREAMING]
ACE: Yoohoo!
Aha!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Aha!
[SCREAMS]
Wow! That was a knight I won't soon forget.
[DISTANT SCREAMING]
[SQUEALS]
[WHISTLES]
And this little piggy went way, way, way,
all the way home.
[CHUCKLING]
[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]
[ANIMALS SNORING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
That was not the end of the story.
That was just what we call "the opening action teaser."
Our bold, brave,
charming, noble,
and devastatingly handsome hero
returned the pig to its rightful owner.
And was merrily counting his fee when suddenly...
What?
You are six months behind in your property tithe, Venturus.
Pay up by tomorrow,
or I will have you broken on the rack.
Thracian dog.
I am not Thracian.
We're in trouble, Sir Spike-a-lot.
There's not that much demand for pet finders
during these times of plague, pestilence and corporate downsizing.
[SCREAMS]
I am Dr. Faust.
I understand you specialize in pets.
You have come to the right place.
How about a nice puppy?
This one is a purebred mongrel.
No, I wish to obtain a dragon.
A dragon?
Exactly.
Do you have any idea what lousy pets dragons make?
They're huge, they're vicious,
they won't even use a litter box.
All righty, then. What will it be, boy or girl dragon?
ACE:And so, our clever, resourceful,
courageous, intrepid,
and incredibly handsome hero went in search of a dragon.
DRIVER: cents, please, and your son can ride for free. Thank you.
[SPIKE CHITTERING]
ACE:Traveling through the land of the two-headed chickens.
Helping Braveheart win his freedom.
♪ Da, da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da, da
♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
ACE:Until at last, he arrived at an inn.
The King's Spleen.
Ew!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[WHISTLES]
I'll have a...
Root beer float with some chocolate sprinkle on top.
[MEN LAUGHING]
In a dirty flagon.
Those aren't sprinkles.
I'll handle this.
These are barbarians. They are very suspicious of strangers.
But I shall win them over with flattery.
[WHIMPERING]
Coward!
Greetings, my barbarian friends.
I should fear and despise you.
But I admire your simple and civilized ways.
[GRUNTS]
You barbarians are noble creatures.
Brutal, ignorant, savage and articulate,
stupid, vicious and filthy.
[SCREAMS]
Mint?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Make sure that goes on their tab, not mine.
Right.
[ACE GROANING]
[LAUGHING]
Gee, can we have a wheelbarrow race instead?
Sure, let's do everything you wanna do.
Yoohoo, popcorn.
Okay, we have our treats.
Let's return to our story.
Now where was I?
Our undaunted and extremely handsome hero
was in the process of gaining the barbarians' confidence
with his wit and charm.
[SOBBING] Please, I wanna live.
[LAUGHING]
Ta-da!
A perfect dismount for the plucky young Saxon.
[ACE SCREAMING]
Not so rough, guys.
I'm a bleeder.
[LAUGHING]
Don't even think about it.
I just happened to be arm wrestling champion of Lapland
three years in a row.
So let's see what you got, punk.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Ow, funny bone.
[LAUGHING]
On the count of five, go.
One, two, five, go!
[GRUNTING]
[YAWNING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[GROANING]
[CHEERING]
Hold it!
I'm not done yet.
I don't think anyone in this room
has the gall to do this.
Hey.
[RETCHES]
Will you gentlemen please excuse me for a moment?
Spank you.
Now that we are bonded in barbarian brotherhood,
perhaps you can tell me where I might find a dragon.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] A dragon?
Surely, we can help this fellow find a dragon.
I say, Claude, you're the dragon expert here.
Um, have you tried the land of the two-headed chickens?
Yeah, it was a no go.
Oh, dear.
Didn't we encounter a dragon in Thrace?
-I think that was a chimera. -A chimera?
You know, body of a bull, tail of a snake.
No, that was a minotaur.
I am certain it was a chimera.
I know the difference, Julian.
It was a minotaur.
It was a chimera.
-A minotaur. -Chimera.
-Minotaur. -[GROWLING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
We've been wasting our time with these barbarians.
They obviously have no idea where to find a dragon.
Hey, there's something down there.
Greetings, Ace Venturus.
You have heard of me?
Your exploits are legendary.
So what brings you here, Man of La Mancha?
I'm on a quest to find a dragon.
Can you help me?
Can I?
[BEEPING]
Ah, there's a dragon not far from here
in the Cave of Utter Nonsense.
[ANIMALS SCREECHING]
Okay. So they didn't have computers back then.
You want historical accuracy
or you wanna get to the dragon?
This looks like the place.
-Now, go in there and get them. -[SHRIEKS]
Oh, come on.
There's nothing to it.
You just go inside, tie them up, and drag them out.
Next time, I think I'll use a more indirect approach.
Dragon chow, yummy!
[DRAGON SCREECHES]
It's working.
I shall now lure the dragon to the village
with a trail of dragon chow.
[BURPS]
Uh-oh.
I will now lure the beast out with the mating call of the dragon.
[VOCALIZING]
On second thought,
that was the mating call of the emu,
the natural enemy of the dragon.
Emu barbecue, anyone?
If you can't b*at them, dowse them.
The world's largest water balloon ought to wet his whistle.
[COUGHING]
That's one way to dry off.
Never fear.
This time I have a foolproof plan.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
ACE: Then our unbearably handsome hero, Ace Ventura,
tripped the Black Knight of Falworth,
and went, "Eh, eh, eh, eh," all the way home.
They never stay awake past the opening action teaser.
[GRUNTS]
I see you have found a dragon.
Come in, come in.
Put him over there, next to the tools.
Aha.
Now, if you will excuse me.
I'm a very busy man.
You know, dragons are a big responsibility.
They require a lot of fresh air and exercise,
but I see you already have a dragon care guide.
"Make the incision below the last rib,
"and remove the spleen!"
Wait a minute.
This isn't a dragon care book. This is a dragon cookbook.
That's right.
I hate pets.
I wanted a dragon,
so I could cut out its spleen for a magic potion
that will make me the most powerful sorcerer on earth!
[LAUGHING]
Oh, you're evil.
Help, police!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
All right, what's the commotion here?
Not you, Venturus!
What happened?
Somebody step on a bug?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Mucho humorous, grand inquisitor Aguadus.
But I don't have time for jokes right now.
Dr. Faust is a...
That man is a sorcerer.
Yes, he's the strange one.
The one who speaks with animals.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I've been looking forward to this.
You're coming with me.
CROWD: Burn him! Burn him! Burn him!
Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him!
[SNORING]
-[ANIMALS SCREECHING] -[SCREAMS]
What's going on?
[CHITTERS]
Oh, all right. I'll finish the story.
ACE:Our fearless and remarkably handsome hero
was imprisoned in a dungeon,
awaiting execution for witchcraft.
Come on, good buddy. Get me out of here quick.
I'm not the sorcerer.
Faust is the sorcerer.
Yes, I'm sure.
MAN : The prisoner has escaped.
Find him, find him.
The coast is clear. Let's go.
Halt, who goes there?
[STUTTERING]
I am Themocles of Thrace.
What are you doing here?
I have fled my homeland to escape the plague!
The plague!
Please, please, give me water.
My lips are parched.
Unclean, unclean!
Let's go.
I don't really have the plague. It was an act.
Oh.
The tooth of a lion, a sprig of myrrh, a dash of salt to taste.
And now, for the final ingredient,
the spleen of a dragon.
[WHISPERING] Wake up, boy.
Come on, we gotta go.
[YELLS] Wake up, dragon!
You are a fool to come back here.
Yeah? And you're ugly.
Ars longa, vita brevis.
Your mumbo jumbo does not impress me.
[SCREAMING]
However, I'm very impressed by the sparkly thing.
Do not come any closer.
In my hands, this broom is a deadly w*apon.
I send you back home.
Did I mention I am also a master of karate?
Hya!
[SQUEALING]
Uh-oh.
It's me, Ace.
Faust turned me into a newt.
You've gotta get that magic wand.
Get the wand, or I'll turn you into newt food.
Okay, now change me back.
Try again, Spike.
Will you knock it off?
Give me that thing.
I now will put an end to your evil ways, foul sorcerer.
I think this one's on the fricks.
He's wet, he's willy.
You!
[SPIKE ROARING]
Sic 'em, Spike.
Oh, great. I'm a mouse.
[CAT GROWLING]
Yikes!
Good work, Spike.
I knew you had it in you somewhere.
[YAWNING]
He's awake!
Will you please stop doing that?
I am trying to help you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Argyle.
I am the last of my breed.
There he is.
It is my wish to share my knowledge and wisdom with humankind.
Save it for later. Let's get out of here, Spike.
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER] -[SCREAMS]
Our heroes narrowly escaped the angry mob,
and a subsequent FBI investigation revealed
that Faust was the real sorcerer.
[ALL SNORING]
[ALARM BEEPS]
[COCK CROWING]
[ANIMALS SCREECHING]
ACE: This can't be happening!
[THEME SONG PLAYING]