[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura...
Alrighty then.
♪ Pet Detective on the run...
[CACKLING]
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]
♪ Ace Ventura...
[LAUGHING]
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n...
Yes! Yes!
[SCREAMS]
[BELLOWING]
[POLAR BEAR GASPS]
[CHIRPING]
[BLEATING]
[ALLIGATOR GROWLING]
[SCREAMS]
[HISSING]
[ROARING]
[SCREAMING]
♪ Ace Ventura...
[HORN HONKING]
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.
[ANIMAL SOUNDS]
♪ Pet Detective on the run ♪
[CHUCKLING]
ANNOUNCER: [ON SPEAKER] Ladies and gentlemen, the Club Cadabra is proud to present
the world's greatest illusionist, the amazing Blackstien!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Meter and verse, rhythm and rhyme,
out of space and out of time!
ALL: [APPLAUDING] Ooh!
I strive to top myself, so for my next trick,
I will pull a rabbit out of my hat!
[ALL GROANING]
Not just any rabbit.
Bernie the Rabbit!
[ALL CHEERING]
Yes, Bernie! The one-of-a-kind, mathematic, acrobatic,
musically proficient, mind-reading, unicycle-riding,
trick-sh**ting, clog-dancing...
AUDIENCE: [CHANTING] Bernie, Bernie...
Right, see for yourself.
I give you the amazing Bernie!
[ALL EXCLAIM]
[LAUGHS]
Ladies and gentlemen, a brief intermission!
[HOWLING]
[PAGER BEEPING]
[GIBBERING]
I know it's the best part, but a pet detective's work is never done.
Jimmy, you're in charge.
Straight home after the movie,
and remember, don't let Shickadance see you!
Spike, let's roll.
Ugh.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
Cable guy!
[CHUCKLING] Got you, Blackstien!
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.
You called about a missing hare?
I'd say you've got a few of those.
[CACKLING]
Now, any idea whodunnit, Houdini?
Bernie has no enemies.
However, one person who might wish me ill will comes to mind.
Al Kazam.
He was my rival in the last annual magician's charity competition.
I won, and he lost.
-ACE: Man, would you look at all this great stuff?-[GASPS]
Dorothy, make sure you spray those ruby slippers
when you get back to Kansas.
Ew!
I hear the witch got them at a bowling alley.
Mr. Ventura, the point is, Kazam bitterly resents me for his loss.
Kazam! Right.
You getting all this?
[SPIKE LAUGHS]
Groovy.
Now, where's the crime-stein, Black-scene?
It's this hat.
Bernie never appeared.
Hmm.
[SCREAMING]
What's the matter?
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[LAUGHING] Man, are you gullible!
Spike! Check it out.
[SHRIEKING]
Do you see anything?
Spike!
I'm going in.
If I'm not back in five minutes, promise me you'll call for help?
Kooky.
This place looks like the inside of my brain. Dark and hollow.
How do you do it, Blackstien?
BLACKSTIEN: [ECHOING] A true magician never reveals his secrets.
Oh, yeah?
Let's just see who entertains at my next birthday party!
Well...
What have we here?
[KNOCKING] Housekeeping!
Morning, Cocoa Woman.
[IMITATING GERMAN ACCENT] Have you seen der bunny rabbit?
Mit der long ears like da?
And der hippy-hopping like ja?
Take care, now.
Bye-bye, then.
There you are, Monkey Man!
Spike can be reached at this number.
After he helps me cr*ck this case.
[SHRIEKING]
Yeah, well, we're supposed to be looking for a bunny, you little playboy.
Now, said rabbit could be behind any one of these doors.
Shh.
[YELLING] Whatcha watching, Shickadance?
Argh!
No rabbits there.
I'll take what's behind door number four, Monty!
A-ha!
Finally, a lead!
A chocolate bunny factory!
Our bunny buddy Bernie could be inside any one of these.
Mmm!
[SHRIEKS]
ACE: Nope, nope, nope. Wait!
This one's got a surprise inside!
[SHRIEKING]
Mmm, mmm!
Gotta love that rich monkey filling.
Hey, what do you think you're doing over there?
Pardon me, Tubby.
I have orders from the health inspector to x-ray these products
for a high fat content.
[ALARM SOUNDING]
I'm afraid you'll have to accompany me down to headquarters.
[SNARLING]
[THUDDING]
[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]
Gee, these full-figured types are reeheally sensitive.
Thank you for your patience, ladies and gentlemen.
However, I regret that for the remainder of tonight's show,
the part of Bernie will be performed by his understudy...
[ALL PROTEST]
Adelaide.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
Oh, yeah!
Behold! When I again open this box, Adelaide will have vanished!
-[ALARM RINGING] -[GASPS]
[EXPLODING]
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
Hang in there, Blackenstien.
My investigation's coming up drier than prairie dog poo, but the night is young.
I don't know what's happening.
I've never flubbed a trick in all my life.
It seems our rabbit-napper isn't content to stop there.
We have a saboteur in the house!
Spike! My equipment, please!
Spank you very much.
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
I shall perform a never-seen-before disappearing act,
the likes of which you've never seen.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Ah, catacombs.
How festive.
Add chips and salsa and we've got a party.
Ladies and gentlemen, observe.
Twenty doves shall appear from this, my amazing magic tuxedo!
Spanks so much!
It's cold down here, you know?
[CHUCKLES]
So, what have we got?
An unknown saboteur operating from the subterranean catacombs,
holding a hare hostage!
Can you say, "Phantom of the Cadabra Club."
Huh?
Hey!
[EXCLAIMS]
Who are you?
That's for me to know and you to find out, Al Kazam,
[INHALES] abductor of Blackstien's rabbit sidekick Bernie,
motivated by professional jealousy and therefore revenge!
Well, well!
You have remarkable powers of deduction.
Spank you.
It's my second-best feature after my ultra-cool 'do.
Now, are you prepared to partake in a little magic yourself?
[GULPS] Gee, lemme think.
Ooh. The sight of your blade-rimmed body rising to the stage
will remind everyone that I,
Al Kazam, am the world's greatest master magician!
[CHUCKLES]
Don't you agree?
I get your point.
Holy shish kebob, that's cold!
[YELLING] Spike!
Ah!
Why do I bother?
Ooh, "Spike." [CHUCKLES]
Now, that could be an interesting variation on a theme.
Gee, a disappearing act would sure hit the spot right about now!
Of course!
I'm wearing Blackstien's tux. His magic tux!
Quick boy, the lock!
[COOING]
Spank you, my non-simian sidekick!
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
You think you can out-do me?
Dance with me and find out.
[JAZZ PLAYING]
[GRUNTING]
[THUDS]
Argh!
Ahhh!
I love this tuxedo! I love it, I love it, I love it!
[LAUGHING] Yow!
-Why, you... -Abracadabra, baby!
Like a spring-loaded boxing glove.
Hmm.
Now, Kazam...
[CHUCKLES]
Now, Kazam,
welcome to my world!
[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]
Ladies and gentlemen.
Please, give me one more chance!
That's it, I'm out of here!
ACE: If you leave now,
you'll miss the show-stopper!
What's in the box?
Oh, just the man responsible for sabotaging your act!
[GASPS] Kazam!
Correct-o-rooskie, Blackbird.
[KAZAM EXCLAIMS]
But... But... Where's Bernie?
I took the liberty of returning him.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the amazing Bernie!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Yes, yes! Can you feel it?
Huh? Huh?
Case closed, during the course of a single intermission.
That's got to be a record!
AUDIENCE: [CHANTING] Bernie! Bernie!
Found the rabbit, found the rabbit, found the rabbit...
Mr. Ventura, this is no time to try your hand at a disappearing act!
[GASPS] Sorry, Blackhead!
All right, nobody leaves!
Nobody talks, nobody goes potty, until I've got some answers!
[ALL GASPING]
Well, well, what have we here, missy?
[GASPS] I beg your pardon?
I know rabbit fur when I see it!
How twisted! How barbaric!
How would you like it if someone made a coat out of your smelly hide?
[IMITATING WOMAN] Oh, I have such style, such class!
And this is one of my cheap outfits!
Ah.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
What is that?
Yo, Blackbeard, I thought tonight was a full house.
Yeah, it is.
Well, someone got away.
But not before leaving a little something behind.
A fortune cookie!
[FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN: May I take your order?
Yes! I'll have the rabbit chow mein.
I'm sorry, sir, that's not on our menu.
In that case, I'll have the stir-fried rabbit.
We don't serve rabbit, sir.
-Sweet 'n' sour rabbit? -No, sir.
-No rabbit at all? -None, sir.
Then I'll have the egg foo young.
And a side of rabbit. Gotcha!
I knew you had rabbit.
Told you, we don't have rabbit, hare, bunny, anything with two long ears!
Alrighty then, give me a cheese pizza, and hold the rabbit.
I don't eat meat.
We do not serve pizza, sir!
Not only is this no place for bunny burgers, but I think our case just dead-ended.
Or did it?
Say, who's that shadowy man in the shadowy corner?
Oh, him? He a new customer.
Says the food remind him of home.
"Home"?
[BELCHES]
Care to hear your fortune, Bogey?
No, thank you.
Too bad, I insist.
Fortune cookie say,
"Bernie the rabbit kidnapped."
Only clue appears to be a fortune cookie found under a seat at the crime scene,
a seat which upon further examination led me to deduce the existence
of a stinky fanny on its occupant.
[GRUMBLING]
Wait, there's more.
"The scent of the stinky fanny leads to the Wong Fat Chinese restaurant,
"where I found myself staring at the kidnapper himself this very moment."
A man who came halfway around the world to kidnap a magic rabbit
and had to find home-style Chinese cooking while he was here.
A man who must be none other than my arch-nemesis, Tong!
[GASPS]
[SHRIEKING]
Ah!
You weren't gonna drink that, were you?
Argh!
I must thank you, Ace Ventura, for leading me to the magic rabbit.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered someone had gotten to him first.
Yeah, well people usually pay for my services, Tong.
But keep your money. I'll take the rabbit.
I cannot do that.
The rabbit is the reincarnation of my eternal enemy,
the Good Master.
Kooky.
What makes you think that?
He must be. No animal could possess such extraordinary magical abilities!
Now, since his very existence threatens my dark powers,
the rabbit must be destroyed.
And the last thing I need is your interference!
[SCREAMING]
[EXCLAIMS]
Huh?
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Tong has left the building, I see.
All right, Tong, where's the rabbit?
In a place you cannot reach!
And as the Prophecy of Darkness decrees,
the Good Master must be sacrificed at midnight
by the claws of the raven!
Prophecy of Darkness, huh? Well, doesn't that sound like wholesome family fun.
There's nothing you can do, Ace Ventura! Unless, of course, you can fly!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, you were serious.
"A place I cannot reach unless I can fly." Come on, Spike!
Park it around back and keep it running.
Oh, super.
Gah!
Well, Spike. Ready to fanny-cize?
You are clever to have reincarnated yourself as a rabbit, my old enemy.
There is nowhere on earth you can hide from me.
Come on, people, feel those thighs working!
Make it burn.
[CAWING]
Oh, it burns! It burns!
[SQUAWKING]
[GASPS]
[SQUAWKS]
I'm sorry! Did I do that on purpose?
TONG: Ah.
A thousand curses on you, Ace Ventura!
You have sealed your fate tonight!
Magic snake spell!
Ahhh!
No. No. No.
Don't think so.
Cool, a wand! Rain, lightning, thunder-bolt!
Come on, snakes! Time to bolt!
[GROANS]
Magic shark spell!
Oh, a seafaring motif, eh?
All hands on deck!
♪ We're sailing men for sure,
♪ Of that we're full of pride
♪ We're here to the end just like our best friend
♪ Dependable as the tide
♪ There's trouble on the port, a rock upon which you're stuck
♪ That Tong is strong, we say, "So long,"
♪ Your ship is out of luck! ♪
Very well, Ace Ventura!
I'm through toying with you!
Ahhh!
Gosh, he's really let himself go!
Gained , pounds in three seconds!
[EXCLAIMS]
Spike, we're gonna need reinforcements!
[WHISTLING]
Well, it's not much, but I can pull a chicken from my hat.
Sorry, Blackstien, I'll be needing this!
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
[WHISTLING RESUMES]
[SCREAMING]
Hey, Bigfoot, you almost stepped on the rabbit!
Ah, you're not so confident now, are you?
Oh, I'm quite confident.
Thanks to my long-lasting anti-perspirant, I'm dry and secure.
[CACKLING]
Argh.
I thought hot pants were out of style!
[SCREAMING]
Exit stage right!
You won't get away that easily!
Ahhh!
Blast it!
Lovely nails, Tong-o, but a manicure would do you good.
[SINGING]
[ICE SHATTERING]
Argh!
Magic 's spell!
-[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING] -What?
Freak out!
Lefreak is chic!
Whoa!
Fie on you, Ace Ventura!
Drat.
Behind you!
Can we stop with the running, already?
I'm pooped!
I knew those voice-throwing lessons would pay off!
Woah! [GRUNTS]
Loser!
Woah!
[TONG CHUCKLING]
Well, well.
At long last, the great Ace Ventura will be destroyed at my hands.
Sure! Let's do everything you want to do.
Any last words?
[SHRIEKING]
Yeah. It's o'clock.
Do you know where your rabbit is?
What?
Oh.
[GROANS] No!
We are not through yet, Mr. Ventura.
-Okay, now we're through. -[WATER SPLASHES]
Lo-hoo-ooo-ooo-ser... [SCREAMS]
Whew! You're quite a bunny, Bernie.
But so is your understudy.
Alrighty then!
[THEME SONG PLAYING]