[THEME SONG PLAYING]
All righty, then.
[LAUGHING]
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
Aah!
Aah!
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
ACE:It was a wild and stormy night in Miami.
Despite the fact that the sun was shining,
there wasn't a cloud in the sky.
And it was the middle of the afternoon.
Lucky for me, I had awoken just in time
for my o'clock nap.
[ACE AND THE ANIMALS SNORING]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-Come in! -Hello, Mr. Ventura!
[GASPS]
ACE:She was stunning!
Body like a Greek statue
and lips so full, they could store a year's supply of grain
for a third world nation.
[SPIKE WOLF WHISTLES]
[SPIKE WOLF WHISTLES]
Sunflower seeds?
No, thank you!
So, what can I do for you, ma'am?
Mr. Ventura, I'm Lauren Drutherford.
Perhaps you know of my parents.
Daryl and Freida Drutherford, Miami's most hoity-toity millionaire family.
Holders of the most prized Drutherford falcon,
which appears prominently on the family coat of arms.
No! Who are they?
Once a year at midnight,
the family falcon is displayed for an elite party of guests at the Drutherford mansion.
Mr. Ventura, that gala is tonight!
Unfortunately, the falcon has disappeared.
[CHUCKLING] Really?
Good thing I exist.
[GROANS]
This is an invitation to the Drutherford mansion.
Mr. Ventura, that bird must be found by midnight.
Casual dress?
Of course not! We're rich!
All righty, then!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[SPIKE CHITTERING]
That's crazy, boss monkey man!
Nobody's following us. I'll prove it to you.
All righty, then, Mr. Copycat! Let's go the other way.
-[TIRES SCREECH] -[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Really, then!
Okay, this will be the sure-fire test.
[BLOWS HORN]
Hmm. We're being tailed, all right. I'm gonna try to lose them.
[ACE CHUCKLES]
Oh, well, I'm sure he won't fire any sort of expertly-aimed
handheld projectile w*apon at the weakest point on our rear left tire.
I was wrong about the tire.
-[SPIKE SHRIEKS] -[ACE YELLS]
This guy's stickier than a taxi cab floor.
[ACE AND SPIKE YELL]
[ACE GASPS]
Spike, if this was an accident,
I'll give up hair-care products for an entire day.
All righty, then!
-What the... -Spanks for the lift.
To the Drutherford mansion, please.
And step on it, Stinky.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
There you are, my good man.
Oh, boy!
[ACE CHUCKLES]
[SPIKE WHISTLES]
[RINGS DOOR BELL]
Ah, Mr. Ventura! The display of the falcon is a major media event.
We must have it back by midnight.
You're in good hands, Daddy Warbucks. I take my job very seriously.
I believe you've met Lauren.
[HEART THUMPING]
This is my wife, Freida and Lauren's boyfriend, Luis de Carlos.
So, you are a pet detective.
Do you have any official credentials?
Certainly, Don Corleone!
-DON: Ugh! -[ACE CHUCKLES]
Gets them every time.
Get out of here, chimp.
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
What's the problem here, Lurch?
This is Burlsworth, Head of Security.
Really?
Is the ship totally secure, Mr. Worth?
Absolutely!
No one gets in without my clearance.
Aha!
So you're saying it was an inside job.
Now, wait a second!
Step aside, sir!
Wow, family heirlooms!
[ACE CHUCKLES]
I'm King Ace the th.
I decree free cable for the masses!
Of course, there are no TVs yet,
but, hey, that makes it all the more progressive.
All rightius thenis!
[SPIKE SHRIEKS, SCREAMS]
Hey, wait a second.
You have no idea what it's like,
having one of these in your pants.
[ACE AND SPIKE YELL EXCITEDLY]
Yes! Yes!
Can you feel it, my simian sidekick?
Our bird napper is inside the house.
MAN: Breathtaking!
Drutherford knows a fine piece of art when he sees one.
The uninformed would think it's just a pile of trash.
Mr. Ventura, the guests must not know of the falcon's disappearance.
You must be discreet.
He doesn't seem very discreet to me.
I am always discreet, Don Pardo.
Oh, my God! Your fly is down!
Got you!
Fret not, Mr. Drutherford, Ace is on the case.
Yeah, I just purchased me another oil refinery.
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi, there!
You must be Waldorf and Staedtler!
-Care for some munchies? -Why, yes!
All righty, then! Here comes the airplane.
I beg your pardon?
Open the hangar.
[GROANS]
[IMITATING AIRPLANE NOISES]
Control, we're experiencing engine trouble.
We... Oh, no! We've lost the starboard wing. We're going to crash!
Mayday! Mayday!
Hey, now, now, look here!
Just who do you think you are?
I'm a man with fabulous hair,
who wants to know where you boys were
at approximately : p.m. today.
I was at the manicurist.
I was having tea, but I don't see what business that is.
ACE: Noted and logged.
Thanks for your time.
By the way, you've got food on your suit. [CHUCKLES]
You don't believe he's for real, do you?
Well, he is a tad eccentric, sure!
Greetings, Earthmen!
I am from the planet Cocktail Wiener.
I am here to observe your customs.
Take those ridiculous things out.
[CRYING HYSTERICALLY]
You presumptuous human, now you've earned our alien wrath.
Ah! Are you insane?
Does it show, Don Wannabe?
Ace, we're running out of time.
Don't worry, Lauren.
I've got some evidence which leads me to believe
we won't have to look very far.
Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served!
Lauren, would you pass-ta pasta?
Of course!
[ACE YELLS]
Is it hot?
No! Artichokes! I hate artichokes.
Can't you behave normally for two seconds?
Well, Don Quixote, normal is such a subjective term.
For instance, on another planet
it might be normal for me to do this.
Hi, there!
Like my new ass-cot? [LAUGHS]
Get the picture?
This is horrible!
Spike, put that down.
Poor fella! Never had a chance!
Such a beautiful creature!
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
Beautiful?
And talented.
♪ Da-duh-duh-duh-dara♪
♪ Start spreading the stew ♪
Ugh! Lauren, do something.
Uh, Luis doesn't much care for dancing.
What? Ah, come on! It's a piece of cake!
Here, I'll show you. Hit it!
Freak out!
Groovy! Yeah!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Care to boogie with a boss cat, Miss Drutherford?
Feel the b*at, man!
Hey, this is rather fun.
Enough, Mr. Drutherford!
I demand that this fool be taken away.
You dance divinely.
But I must say, you're the ugliest girl I've ever met.
Mr. Ventura, you've got until midnight, and enough with the madness.
I assure you, sir, there's method to my madness except for that.
That was just random.
All righty, then!
Wow! Spike this must be the Drutherford family archives.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Lo-hoo-sers is right!
You wouldn't see any of them at a high school dance.
Hey, monkey, sea monkey dude, why don't you climb up there
and see if you can spot anything?
[ACE GASPS, YELLS]
Watch it!
Professor primate, this is it.
A history of the family Drutherford.
The Drutherford family falcon was acquired in .
It was seized as a battle prize
from a Spanish nobleman named Philippe de Carlos II.
Holy Wedgie Wednesday, Spike! Come on, boss monkey man!
You look lovely tonight, Lauren.
Thank you, Luis!
-And you look guilty, Donatello. -What?
That's right, my over-indulged clients! Here's your thief.
This is an outrage.
No, this is a mansion.
This is an outrage.
Don't worry it'll grow back,
but right now,
I'd like Don Quixote to tell me where he stashed the falcon.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Mr. Ventura, I did not hire you to make false accusations
against family friends. Security!
Yes, sir!
Throw this man out, and his monkey, too.
Heh! With pleasure!
ACE: Phew!
Somebody ain't dry or secure.
And stay out!
[SPIKE YELLS]
Oh, that's my new cologne Eau de Pila Grosse.
There's only one thing to do, my pygmy pal.
Money or no money, an animal is in jeopardy.
[SPIKE SHRIEKS, WHISTLES]
Oh, yeah! Lauren. [CHUCKLES]
Spike, we've got two chicks who need our help.
Let's do it!
-[SPIKE SQUEAKS] -What is it, lassie?
Aha! A loose stone, eh? Come on, help me push.
[ACE AND SPIKE GROANING]
Keep pushing! I can see the baby's head.
[BOTH YELLING]
Wow! What now, Scooby Doo?
We're in some kind of secret underground room. Groovy!
My keen detective's instincts tell me I'm about to have a bit of luck.
Holy great green gobs of crazy, grimy greenwich grossers!
The falcon!
We found the falcon! We found the falcon!
We found the falcon!
[SPIKE CHITTERS]
Oh, what is it, my simian Tonto?
The surgeon general has determined
that poisonous gas leaking from a subterranean vent
may be hazardous to your health.
Hey!
The falcon! It's locked.
What are we gonna do?
[SPIKE CHITTERS]
The keyhole!
We can suck the keyhole for air.
Okay, who goes first?
Rock, paper, scissors!
Rock, paper, scissors!
I win!
Hey, no fair! Scissors always beats paper.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Eww! Gross! Monkey spit.
-Come out of there, you two. -Lauren!
It's really good to see you right now.
What are you doing down here?
Oh, just looking for the men's room. What is this place?
It's an old underground cargo passage.
Leads out to the waterfront.
The waterfront!
That must be where our friend Don Knotts took the falcon.
Oh, what nonsense!
Well, okay! Maybe he's not our friend.
Lauren, do you want that bird back?
Well, of course! But...
Now! You can either hang with an awesome dude,
or you can go back to that lo-hoo-ser party.
-Are you in? -I...
Well, you did liven up the dance floor.
All righty, then! Let's go.
[ACE SCREAMS]
-Bats! -Ace, I think they're gone.
Well, of course, they're gone! I was just doing a rain dance.
It's not raining.
Umm, Sure, it is in Scotland. Hey, look!
I had a dog and his name was Bingo.
We need a fast way out there.
Groovy!
Are you sure you've driven one of these things before?
Relax! I've got a simulator at home.
-Really? -No.
You're going miles an hour.
Yeah! You can't really tell, can you?
Hmm! How are we gonna get up there?
[YELLING]
I have a hunch nothing groovy is going to come out of this.
[GASPS]
Luis!
Hello, Lauren!
Told you!
Well, Mr. Ventura, what do you have to say for yourself now? [CHUCKLES]
As the senior animal sleuth currently present,
I'll sum up the dastardly deed.
Luis de Carlos is the descendant of Philippe de Carlos,
the th century Spanish nobleman,
from whom the Drutherford family won the first falcon in battle.
Thus, he believed it really belonged to his own descendants,
and thereby used the affections of the lovely but naive Lauren Drutherford
to gain access to the mansion, where he stole the falcon and brought it... here.
Luis, is it true?
The falcon is the rightful property of the de Carlos family.
It is a shame that you won't be joining us.
And where will we be, Don de Luis?
You know, I should have seen this coming.
[GASPS] Ace, look!
-[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] -[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
Do something!
[ACE CHUCKLES, MAKING FARTING NOISE]
Something constructive.
Oh, all righty, then!
Luckily I know some folks in this part of town.
[ACE SHRIEKS]
Ace, we're running out of raft.
Spike, old pal, it's been fun!
What is it, my simian side-car?
All righty, then!
[DOLPHINS CHITTERING]
Do you feel that? Huh? Okay!
[WATER SPLASHING]
What did they tell them?
They told them it would be wrong to eat us.
-Really? -No.
They told them Mrs. Paul was skinny-dipping at the other end of the beach.
[SHIP BLOWS HORN]
Thanks for letting us use your pool.
Blast you, Ventura!
Why! What a bunch of bull!
This is our cue to exit.
Hey!
-[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] -[SPIKE CHITTERS]
Giddyup, my aquatic friends!
Yee-ha!
Get up, you fools. They're getting away.
[SHIP BLOWS HORN]
Uh-oh!
Curse you, Ventura!
What are we going to do? It's time to present the falcon.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Rutherford falcon!
I can't look.
Oh, great Scott!
All righty, then!
Well done, Mr. Ventura!
You were wonderful. A true hero!
Mr. Ventura, I apologize for doubting you.
You've saved our falcon.
No apologies necessary, sir.
Genius has always been challenged by mediocre minds.
Well, I must be off. A pet detective's work is never done.
Spike, something tells me we're gonna be pretty unpopular guys for a while.
[ACE CHUCKLES]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]