[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
Alrighty, then.
♪ Pet Detective on the run
[LAUGHS]
[TRUMPETING]
♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes, yes!
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[SCREAMS]
♪ Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet Detective on the run ♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHUCKLES] You will fetch a handsome price in the black market.
What? Who could have tracked me down?
[ACE VOCALIZING]
How you doing, Spike?
[SPIKE GAGGING]
Look, I can see the Bermuda Triangle,
and there's the Bermuda trapezoid.
And the Bermuda naked lady out for a morning jog.
That's my favorite, besides the trapezoid.
[LAUGHS]
What the...
What's the matter, Captain Picard?
Lose your toupee?
We've lost track of the panther smugglers. They vanished.
Just like Spike's lunch.
[SPIKE GAGGING]
Oh, my gosh! Look!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Holy dirty diaper December!
What's the matter, Captain Kangaroo?
The union didn't say anything about a cosmic wormhole.
Adios, pet detective!
Bye-bye! Send postcards.
Captain's log. Star-date, Week .
Entering dimensional wormhole, shredding the fabric of our body like a cheap suit!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[SPIKE AND ACE YELLING]
Mommy!
Like a glove!
Holy Fettuccine Friday!
According to the navigation computer, we've arrived in Italy, Spike.
[SPIKE SCREECHES]
That's impossible, unless I lost consciousness for five hours.
That only happens during the Academy Awards.
[SPIKE SCREECHES]
Wow! How did we wind up in Las Vegas, my hairy high-roller?
[SPIKE SCREECHES]
[GASPS] You're right, Spike,
that's not Vegas, it's ancient Rome.
We've somehow been transported years back in time.
Hey, I bet we can crash the first toga party. Come on!
Spike, this is terrible!
I don't see a single shopping mall or donut shop.
Welcome, stranger! I have worked on it for years.
What do you think?
I subscribe to the school of art that says less is more.
Like so!
My masterpiece! What are you doing?
You'll thank me in years. [LAUGHING]
-[RUMBLING] -[GASPS]
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
Hold up there, Romania. What's that around your neck?
Why, it's my official medallion.
Might I take a lookie?
It's a carving of our new emperor, Lardus, I.
New emperor?
[SPIKE SCREECHES]
Right, spikus simeous, let's get with the dress code.
Hi, Spartacus! Hey, Caligula!
Greetings, stranger!
Say, I hear there's a naked barbecue over at the temple of Jupiter.
BOTH: Oh, boy!
-Ah-ha! -[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Alrighty, then, monkey, sea-monkey dude. It's showtime!
-Halt! -Greetings, my gladiatorial goon!
I am Acius Venturis,
an ambassador from the faraway land of Alrightius Venice.
We bear a gift for the emperor.
This magical monkey.
[SPIKE SCREECHES]
Guard, I told you never to disturb me while I'm dining.
Well, well, well!
Forgive me, great Lardus.
This ambassador comes from afar.
He brings you a magical monkey.
Magic indeed! He's making my lunch disappear.
There is something familiar about you.
Have we met before?
No, but you may have seen my centerfold spread in last month's Playspartan.
-Ho-ho. -Would you care for some grapes, my lord?
Why, spank you, sl*ve girl.
I hear they're hiring at McCaesars.
What brings you to Rome?
I, sir, am an ambassador from a far-off land,
come to pay respect to the great Lardus.
What brings you...
Congratulations!
I've just paid you the highest compliment one can receive in my country.
You're much cuter than Emperor Lardus's other cat.
Where is this other creature?
Well, I believe you'll enjoy your stay here in Rome.
All that you see is under my command.
Truly I have found my calling.
Speaking of calling, I hear nature.
Could I use your John?
Of course! Down the hall, second archway on the left.
Spank you!
Perhaps the monkey needs to go, too.
Super, then! Back in a jiff.
Ta-ta! I'll call if I need anything.
Okay, here I go!
I'm doing my doodoos.
[MAKING FARTING NOISE]
Should be in here for at least ten minutes.
Woo! Do not go in there.
-[CAT MEOWS] -Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
And Bingo was his name-o.
Carnivora panthera.
Short round head, erect ears, large eyes, and one of a kind.
Not so fast, Ventura!
Here's a question.
Is that a solar eclipse or did Free Willy just walk in?
Y-ouch!
Now I'm gonna itch like crazy. What tipped you off?
"Go to the John!"
But no one uses that expression in this millennium.
We call it a Johnacus.
Oops-a-coops.
Guards, seize him!
Have Band-aids been invented yet?
The walls are closing in.
This prison is like a prison. I'll go mad.
Do you hear me? Mad! Aah!
Be quiet, Ventura!
You've only been down there for an hour.
I take it you used Bobby the panther cub
to assure yourself a position of power here, eh, super size?
They saw the panther and fell to their knees,
convinced he was a gift from the Gods.
I'm through smuggling.
I much prefer my new life.
If the Gods had really intended for you to rule Rome, Lardus,
they would have made the chariots a lot wider.
Where's Spike?
Don't you remember? You gave him to me.
-Aah. -Pleasant dreams, Ventura.
Rome wasn't built in a day but I'll bet you could eat it in an hour.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Attention, slaves!
You will be trained as gladiators for combat in the arena,
where most of you will be horribly k*lled.
Gee, Caesar Salad!
You might want to rethink your sales pitch.
That one's not very appealing.
All right, puny slaves!
Begin!
Oh-oh-oh.
Next!
Ha! This will be gravy!
Watch and learn, Officer Drill Bit.
Yeah! Get down! Freak out! The freaky sheik!
Ooh, baby!
Whoa!
Alrighty, then!
Next lesson, learn to distract your opponent.
Defend yourself.
[ROARING] Prepare for defeat!
Prepare the feet? For what?
I hope it's new shoes. These are starting to chafe.
Look, I can take my thumb off.
Ooh!
WOMAN: Oh, Magical monkey man.
It's time for your bath.
[SPIKE SCREECHES]
[LAUGHING]
See, you've got to get the little bones out
without touching the sides.
Oh, blasticus!
Good try, Hercules!
Now, you keep at it, while I go get a bite to eat.
[BUZZER BUZZES]
You're a disgrace to all gladiators.
Your first duty is to give the audience a glorious fight.
I distracted him, Stinkius Fartius.
This is ancient Rome, not Pay-Per-View.
[BUZZER BUZZES]
Dodge these boulders or be crushed.
It is the ultimate test of your reflexes.
Couldn't you just tap my knee?
-[BOULDERS ROLLING DOWN] -[ALL YELLING]
♪ Roll, roll, roll your rock Gently down the hill ♪
Stay right!
Get off your butt and get back in formation.
No trophy?
A good offense is essential for survival.
Skinny one, att*ck me now.
Next!
Okay, now what?
Let me see your offense.
Alrighty, then!
You smell like great Caesar's butt.
How's that? Did I offend you?
You will suffer for your insolence.
Stop!
Emperor Lardus!
This sl*ve, sir, he's incorrigible.
Really? Well, we can't have that.
I think we should include Mr. Ventura in today's games.
Twister? Mystery Date?
Candyland?
Our games are played to the death.
[SPIKE EATING]
Hey to my main monkey man, aren't you gonna help?
[SPIKE SCREECHES]
I don't care if the fruit's in season.
Enough!
-Prepare him for the games. -With pleasure.
Whoa! Sure.
Let's do everything you want to do.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
All rise for Emperor Lardus, and the animal of the Gods!
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
This is the foreigner who tried to steal the animal of the Gods.
[CROWD BOOING]
And today, he will pay for his crime.
[LAUGHS] Let the games begin!
I don't like the sound of that.
You know what? I think I'll wait for the next bus.
And now prepare for today's run chariot race.
Ace Ventura, enemy of Rome...
[CROWD BOOING]
...will face off with Hautius Shautius,
greatest chariot racer in the empire.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Hi, there! Nice wheels! Does it come with an airbag?
-[HAUTIUS GROANS] -Whoa!
I understand, you're shy. Well, this is our first race.
Go!
Hi-ho, Silver, away!
And they're off!
The pack is led by the clearly more attractive of the two, Ace Ventura.
Hautius Shautius, who hopes this victory will make the girl stop screaming
when he kisses them, is a close second.
Watch it with that thing! You'll put someone's eye out.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Ooh! Snacks!
Why, spank you! You're always the thoughtful one.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
That loser is winning.
Zoom.
Hey, Mr. Red, listen up!
Hautius's horse says that you're a big geek, who hangs out with cows.
-[ACE MAKING NOISES] -[HORSE NEIGHS]
And then, he said that you make a lousy bottle of glue.
[HORSE NEIGHS]
He also said that a tax increase for the FAA is ill-advised,
but I don't think that would concern you.
Dang! I'm good! Do you feel that?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Spank you!
Wow! He b*at Hautius Shautius.
No one's ever done that.
Curse him!
And now, I give you the pride of the gladiatorial arena, Pectoralis Major!
[LOUD BANGING ON DOOR]
What?
Too many exercise shakes, huh, Peccy?
Prepare to meet your doom!
Doom? Who invited him?
[LAUGHS] Goodbye, Mr. Ventura.
Aah!
Ahh. Look, for the last time, I won't go to the prom with you.
[GRUNTS]
Whoops! I left my quiche in the oven.
Come back. There is no escape.
Spike, in the name of monkeydom, do something!
-[SPIKE YAWNS] -[ACE SCREAMS]
I'm sorry I gave you to Lardus. I won't do it again.
[SPIKE WHISTLING]
I'll give you two weeks vacation.
Okay, okay, I'll give you two weeks paid vacation.
[SPIKE SCREECHES]
[LAUGHS]
Ladies and gents, Ace Ventura is back in town!
-[MUSIC PLAYS ON HEADSET] -[YELLING]
What twisted magic is this?
You can't fight it, baby. It's rock and roll.
Can you feel it? Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes, I can feel it. I can feel it.
I don't want to fight no more.
I just want to dance, baby, dance.
[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
He defeated Pectoralis Major.
He's the greatest warrior of all time.
No, no, no! It can't be!
Acius! Acius! Acius! Acius!
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your rears.
I bowel before you.
[SPIKE SCREECHES]
This animal was stolen by your dastardly double-chin emperor.
He's a fraud.
[CROWD GASPS]
Seize Fattius Fartus, the fraud!
Oh, this would happen just before my lunch.
Long live, Acius! Long live, Acius!
Spank you! Spank you!
I must now return to those who need me most.
The furry citizens of the world.
But you can pass a little saying down to your ancestors.
What is it?
Alrighty, then!
Okay, my chimpanzee co-pilot, we're ready for liftoff.
You know, you really came through for me back there.
Of course, you also completely ran out on me before that.
So I won't smother you with praise.
Alrighty?
The only one who will be getting smothered is you, Ventura.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] I see your point, old blimpish one.
Just keep your belly in the upright and locked position.
I'll have you back at a th century buffet in no time.
[FLIGHT TAKING OFF]
Much better! [CHUCKLES]
[SCREAMS]
Mr. Spike, we are approaching the time warp continuum.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[BOTH YELLING]
Woo! Do not go in there!
[SPIKE SCREECHES NERVOUSLY]
What is it, Spike?
Holy Wedgie Wednesday!
It's a new instant diet. He's gone!
Bobby, it's so good to have you back!
Mr. Ventura, how did you do it?
Well, sir, it'll take years to explain.
But, in the meantime, might I borrow an encyclopedia?
[SERENE MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, Spike, look at this.
Alrightius Venice, dated A.D. [CHUCKLES]
One of the era's greatest gladiators.
Not a bad legacy, eh, monkey dude?
[SPIKE SCREECHES]
You know, I really wonder what happened to Lardus.
Are you sure you're from the Bermuda Triangle?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]