02x07 - Stiff Competition

[bunniefuu]

Behold the box of death.

A replica of the one found

in the dungeon

of the Marquis de Sade in 1814.

Prepare to be amazed!

But first, I need a volunteer

from the audience.

You, sir.

And now I shall be secured

inside this formidable

box of death.

Watch the rope burn

and pray that I can

make my escape

before the blades above

can seal my fate.

The Great Faldini.

I don't know how we're

expected to b*at that.

It was marvelous. Bravo.

You haven't seen my Tina yet.

Right. Now if somebody could

clear this blood up, please.

And if The Great Faldini

could move his prop

to the back of the stage so

we can carry on the rehearsals.

Judges will be here ooh

Just under two hours.

- So how did you get out?

- Mind your own business, squirt.

Magicians' secrets,

Magicians' secrets, eh, Terry?

Oh, didn't see you there, Len.

How's business?

Oh, you know.

You've taken most of it.

Oh, you can have

your poxy kids' parties.

I'll be out of Great Slaughter

for good with this new act.

New?

Oh, that's a good one.

Come on, Len.

It's not worth it.

Hey, he's right, old boy.

Time to walk away.

Just like your customers have.

Break it up!

That's enough, both of ya!

Um, Sister,

I have a receipt here

for, um, strumpets.

I should've been a doctor.

That would be crumpets.

But it's for seven guineas

and 12 shillings.

Yes, well, at an average

of 2.5 a day,

at a cost of two pence

a crumpet

However, given the said amount

being consumed in entirety

by an employee of the police,

it's been submitted

as a police expense.

It's a fair cop.

Where do you want these?

Sir, if you could

If you could possibly

Yep. Audit.

Mm, nasty business.

I don't see why we should have

to account for every last groat.

We should be guarding the law,

not counting beans.

Hear, hear.

Anyway, one of you lot

is off the hook

because WPC Barton is visiting

some sick aunt in Salisbury and,

well, I need someone with me.

With you where, sir?

I'm head judging

the talent show.

And Button was down

for security duty.

So who fancies a fast from pesky

paperwork for a couple of days?

You go.

Me?

Give you a chance to absorb

the local culture.

Engage with the community.

But what about this?

Well

Consider it done. You deserve

a break from paperwork.

Splendid!

That's settled, then.

Sir, may I ask,

why do you need police presence

at the village talent show?

Ho, ho, ho!

It can get rather heated.

There's already been

a scuffle, I hear.

And this year, the world, his

wife and their dog have entered

on account of there

being a £500 prize pot.

Wow. That is a lot of money.

Well, it's the 50th anniversary

of the talent show.

And Sir Tristan Leakey has

offered it to promote

the cultural life

of the village,

along with a cup in his name.

The Leakey cup?

Oh, yes, an unfortunate

stipulation,

but, well, gift horse looked

in the mouth and all that.

Morning, Tom.

Heard you all doing a soliloquy.

What's it to be?

Or nar ta be. Harret.

Oh, iconic.

The bard at his very finest.

Don't you think, Sergeant?

A particular favorite of mine.

Ar got you a'lar somming.

What, what, what?

Oh, truffle.

Where on Earth,

if you'll pardon the pun,

did you unearth

this treasure trove?

Oh, of course. Wouldn't want

to spread it about.

Well, jolly decent of you, Tom.

Sir, couldn't that

be considered bribery?

Not if he doesn't win.

Ah! Miss Beaufort.

Chief Constable Hector Lowsley.

Are you lost?

Well, I'm looking

for the dressing tent.

I wanted to wish

the contestants luck.

Miss Beaufort, may I introduce

my daughter, Tina Tiny.

You may have heard of her.

Oh, she's making

quite a name for herself.

Hello, Tina.

I like your costume.

- How old are you?

- 11.

The little girl

with a big voice.

Well, I hope you break

a leg in the heats.

Oh. Welcome to the heats

of the 50th Great Slaughter

talent competition.

I'm your compere, Ted Button.

And your judges

Sir Tristan Leakey,

this year's generous benefactor,

Chief Constable Lowsley,

and local celebrity judge,

Jane Beaufort.

Celebrity.

I've never heard of her.

Today will be entirely devoted

to the heats due to

the unusually

high number of entrants.

They're only here

for the prize money.

With the audience finals

tomorrow afternoon.

Tina Tiny is

a rising child star.

You should be grateful

to have her.

Yeah, right. Who wants to see

a poor man's Shirley Temple?

You should be disqualified.

And Creepy Cuddles.

That's Curly Cuddles.

All right, now, let's

keep things cordial.

Remember, folks, it's all

about the taking part, yeah?

Once I stood ♪

In the shadows ♪

Never seen ♪

Never heard ♪

Always looked in the mirror ♪

Feeling false ♪

Quite absurd ♪

Then I found ♪

A new sound ♪

From inside, no

need to hide ♪

I was there ♪

Now I'm here ♪

I can finally be me ♪

Flying free ♪

Well, let's hear it

for Tina Tiny,

the little lady

with a big, big voice.

Your timing was off

on the offbeat double-hop turn.

Let's hope it won't cost you

a place in the final.

Stop squirming!

in the refreshments tent,

and we recommence in one hour.

Where do you think you're going?

Now watch as I,

Curly Cuddles the Conjurer,

dare to escape from this rope.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Put your hands together

for Curly Cuddles!

Now, if there are any

members of the audience

with a nervous disposition,

can they kindly leave

the hall now?

Because the next act,

the Great Faldini,

will attempt the box of death.

Ooh!

Behold the box of death.

But first, I need a volunteer

from the audience.

Perhaps our esteemed judge

will do the honors.

No.

Well, up you go, then.

An honor to have

Miss Jane Beaufort

as my assistant.

And now

Miss Beaufort shall secure

this formidable box of death.

Watch the rope as it burns

and pray that the Great Faldini

can make his escape

before the blades above

seal his fate.

Well, this will be

the one to b*at.

Keeping us on tenterhooks, eh?

The victim is Terry Smith,

a.k.a. the Great Faldini,

also available for weddings,

children's parties,

and bar mitzvahs.

Well, no need to ask

the cause of death.

It's a variation on a trick

by Andre Kole.

The magician climbs into the box

and is shut inside,

the candle lit to burn

through the rope

and release the knives.

Well, I'm assuming it didn't

go according to plan.

Well, the rope ignited and

burnt through under 10 seconds,

giving the poor soul no time

to make his escape.

Do you mind?

This is a crime scene.

I'm sorry.

I'll be quiet as a church mouse.

So, misadventure.

Well, that makes things simpler.

Have a sniff at that.

I'll wager some

sort of accelerant,

in which case this was

no magical misadventure.

It's m*rder.

Right. Well, I'll leave you

to take witness statements.

I need to get back

to the station.

I have an audit to finish.

Anything of interest?

"Terry, I'll put an end to this

once and for all.

Debra."

Well, we've got

a "Diandra the poet,"

a cellist named Diana,

and Della the dog hypnotist,

but no Debra.

You said the Great Faldini

did a technical rehearsal

this morning.

And then the prop was moved

to the back of the stage.

Who was in there?

Anyone and everyone.

The contestants were rehearsing

until the heats started.

The only time the hall was empty

was during the tea break.

When everyone was

in the tea tent.

Correct.

Well, no.

Now I come to think of it,

I don't think I saw the kid

and her mother.

Did, um Did Terry's

technical run-through

go smoothly, Ted?

Terry and I were partners

for 10 years.

"The Clown and the Magician."

That was up until six months ago

when he decided that clowns

were old hat

and I was holding the act back.

Turned out he was right.

The business dried up.

And no one wants a clown

without a magician.

Then what happened today?

Well, I came in here and he

was lording it up with his new act.

He goes to me, "Hey, Leonard.

How's business?"

I just lost it.

But I-I wouldn't wish

that upon him.

- No.

- One more thing.

Does the name Debra

mean anything to you?

Debra?

He had an assistant years ago.

Debra Cadabra,

but I don't know her real name.

Can you describe her?

Well, I've only seen a photo,

but it is typical Terry.

Blonde. 10 years

younger. Curvy.

- Classic magician's assistant.

- All right.

Thank you, Mr. Cuddles.

Poor Terry, eh?

Still, at least

the kid'll win now.

You weren't in the refreshments

tent during the tea break.

We stayed behind.

Tina needed to work

on her routine.

We missed tea.

I don't think you need

any more feeding. Do you?

Did anyone come in

while you were there?

No.

And you were together

the entire time?

Yes.

- Weren't we, Tina.

- Yes.

Stop biting your fingernails.

Where's the other entrance

to the hall?

So the saboteur

must have entered this way

unseen by Sylvie

and her daughter.

When the contestants were

in the tea tent.

Although, arguably, one of them

could have slipped out

unnoticed.

Sorry.

My nerves are rather frayed.

- Yes, I can imagine.

- The poor man.

Were you in the tea tent

for the duration

of the break earlier?

Um, most of it, yes.

I, uh, powdered my nose

before I returned to the hall.

Can I ask if the

Great Faldini's behavior

seemed, well, normal?

Was he distracted or worried

about the performance?

He was in his element,

relishing the theater.

What a terrible way to die.

If you'll forgive me,

I could do with a lie down.

Of course.

Care to share, Felix?

She seemed ill at ease when she

was called on the stage.

Strange for an actress, no?

Or perhaps she was simply

caught off-guard.

Now, time for some tests.

Do you think he was m*rder*d?

The police are presently

treating it

as an unexplained death.

Settle down. Settle down.

Settle down.

Terry, above all else,

was a showman.

And despite the untimely

and unfortunate nature

of his demise,

I believe he would say

the show must go on.

Hear, hear.

All in favor?

Right.

So if we're all agreed,

the heats will resume

tomorrow morning

with the finals

in the afternoon as scheduled.

Fascinating.

- Morning, Sister.

- Oh, good morning, Sam.

Good news I've identified

our m*rder w*apon,

otherwise known

as the accelerant.

It's hairspray.

Used by half the population.

Present company

excepted, Sister.

Uh, no, it's it's not

human hairspray.

It's industrial strength,

designed for use

on synthetic wigs.

The sort of thing

a clown might use?

Oh, yes, exactly.

Okay. I think we should have

a word with Mr. Cuddles.

You go.

I'd love to, but there's

a renegade flock of sheep

blocking the high street.

Can't PC McGrew handle it?

It's carnage out there,

apparently.

Fill me in later.

- He's acting rather strangely.

- Hmm.

Almost like he's pulling

the wool over our eyes.

Sorry.

What are you looking for?

Do you own a kind

of synthetic wig hairspray?

Yes, but someone

swiped it yesterday.

Okay. Very convenient.

Oh, hey, don't go in there.

Mr. Cuddles, I would like you

to accompany me

to the station for questioning.

So tell us about

the missing hairspray.

Why are you asking?

Well, because that specific

type of hairspray

was applied to the rope

before Terry's death.

It was in my prop box.

I left it in the village hall.

You were there

when I went to fetch it.

I mean, anyone could

have swiped it.

You You can't pin this on me.

Can you explain

how you came across

the Great Faldini's notebook?

A magician and his secrets

are never parted.

But now the magician is dead and

said book in your possession.

I think you'll agree,

an explanation is in order.

- I wanted proof.

- Of what?

Terry didn't come up

with the box of death.

I did. Look.

See?

That that's my handwriting.

See how it's different?

I didn't want him winning £500

on an idea he'd stolen from me.

I just wanted my fair share,

that's all.

- How did you get it?

- It was in the tea interval.

He kept it locked

inside his trunk.

But I knew the combination.

I'd seen him do it

a thousand times.

I didn't k*ll him.

It was my only chance

of getting some cash.

I'm hardly going to win, am I?

During the interval, did you

see anyone else at the back

of the village hall?

No. Oh, yeah. Just the kid.

It's all right. I won't tell.

Cake's long gone, but I think

I can maybe rustle something up.

- Need to wash behind your ears.

- Thank you.

You did good out there, kid.

- I messed up.

- You want to see a mess?

Watch me. Chin up.

Oh, I've seen some pushy mothers

in my time, but hers?

Oh, she takes the biscuit.

You aren't in any trouble.

It's just very important

that you tell us the truth.

You said you were with

your mother rehearsing

for the entire tea break.

That wasn't true.

No.

Knees, arms, curtsy hands,

and dimple.

I don't need to practice.

I-I know I know it by heart.

Do you want to b*at

that magician or not?

I have to pop out

for half an hour.

But where are you going?

You aren't a baby.

I need some time to myself.

Now keep practicing.

No stopping till I get back.

But you didn't stay

and practice.

I was so hungry.

Mummy's put me on a diet,

so I wasn't allowed tea.

They leave the leftovers

at the back of the tea tent.

Did you come straight

back to the hall?

Yeah. Mummy was back

soon after.

- Just before the break was over.

- Thank you, Tina.

And do you know where we might

find your mother?

You won't tell her, will you?

About the food?

Mum's the word. I mean, um,

your secret's safe with us.

Who told you that?

A witness saw you

leaving the village hall.

I was meeting

a friend.

Oh, a gentleman friend.

There's no need

to look like that.

My husband d*ed 10 years ago,

leaving me two baby girls

to bring up by myself.

A woman gets lonely, you know.

And Tina has a sister.

Had.

She d*ed of measles six weeks

after this was taken.

I'm so sorry.

Chalk and cheese.

One naturally sunny

and outgoing.

The other quiet and reserved.

Still

I still have one bright star.

So if you don't mind

I have some notes for Tina

to work through.

I will attempt to interview

the mime artist.

And in the meantime,

there's a missing can of

hairspray still unaccounted for.

Hey, where are you off to?

I'm announcing

the finalists soon.

Seriously, Ted.

Where's your fighting spirit?

- d*ed with Terry.

- You're not missing him?

No, no. He was a swine.

But I can't blame him

for leaving me, though.

I'm the worst clown

in the country.

Remember our Peg doll's

8th birthday party?

You really made her day

with them balloon animals

and squirty flowers

and squeaky shoes.

Never in my life have I seen

a man pratfall like you.

Yeah, but

I was at the top

of my game then, Ted.

But no one wants clowns anymore.

No, what they don't want is

clowns trying to be a magician.

Mate, if you get through

to the finals,

you've got

to remember something.

You're a clown.

Be a clown.

Sister.

Sister?

- Oh, hello.

- Sylvie's gentleman friend,

he confirms that he was with her

between 3:15 and 3:45,

which still leaves

15 minutes unaccounted for.

Well, she's the right age.

Is it possible that she's

the mysterious Debra Cadabra?

I'll do some background checks.

Oh, well, look at this.

One puzzle solved, at least.

I shall take this back

to the lab and dust for prints.

Competition has been

very high this year.

So you can all be

very proud of yourselves

just for being part of it.

But now, without further ado,

going through to the finals

this afternoon,

and in no particular order,

are

Martin Marceau the Mime

Contortionist Carla

Tom Thomas

Della the dog hypnotist

The Belles of Great Slaughter

Curly Cuddles

And last but by no means least,

except in terms of stature,

it's Tina Tiny!

Now, those of you still

in the competition,

meet backstage in 20 minutes.

This is a fast turnaround.

Uh, Miss Beaufort, please,

can you sign my program?

I'd be delighted.

She wasn't her best

in the heats.

I'm sure she'll impress you

more today, won't you, Tina?

I'm sure she will.

Oh, uh, I hope you'll

give my card to your husband.

He was always on the lookout

for the next child star.

Of course.

I wonder if you'd oblige

with one more.

If you'd make it

to Sister Peter.

She's a huge fan

of the Fanshaw saga.

Oh, how lovely.

Thank you.

My Lords, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the finals

of the 50th Great Slaughter

talent competition.

And have we got a show for you.

So put your hands together

for our first act,

The Belles of Great Slaughter.

Three, two, one and

I think I found something.

No, no, no, no, not that.

Something else.

The Belles of Great Slaughter!

Three, two, one and

That's the end, Dottie.

Exit stage left.

Dottie, Dottie, Dottie.

Stage left.

I happened to see Jane Beaufort

signing an autograph

and noticed something

sinister

In the Latin sense, of course,

meaning on the left.

She's left-handed.

So what?

Do you remember the palm print

on Debra Cadabra's note

on the right-hand side

of the page?

Look at this.

It's where a left-handed person

would rest their hand

so they can write, see?

Pound to a penny,

if we compare this

to Debra Cadabra's note,

we'll have a match.

Oh, thank you.

I don't have long, I'm afraid.

I'm needed back

after the interval.

Did you write this?

Then you admit that you are

Debra Cadabra?

Oh, I'm Jane Beaufort.

I was Debra Cadabra

for less than two years.

Terry came up with the name,

not me.

You were his assistant?

I was 18 years old

when he hired me.

He was 10 years older

and a practiced seducer.

You were in a relationship.

What happened?

I fell pregnant.

Terry's future didn't include

a child, so she was adopted.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Can you explain this?

After I agreed to judge

the talent show,

I received a card from Terry

congratulating me

on my engagement to Simon

and saying he was looking

forward to seeing me here.

I assume you didn't take it

at face value.

Knowing Terry, I assumed

it was a thinly veiled

attempt at blackmail.

But why now? Why would he do it

after all these years?

Terry wasn't interested

in a bit-part actress.

But now I'm going to be the wife

of Sir Simon Floyd Douglas,

a wonderful man whom I hope

to have children with.

But there are parts of my life

that I chose not to share,

and I had hoped

for it to stay that way.

Did you confront him?

Well, after I arrived

for the heats on Friday,

I went looking for him,

but he wasn't

in his dressing area,

so I left the note.

The first time I saw him was

when he called me up on stage.

But as his assistant,

you were familiar

- with these type of tricks?

- Oh, no.

Escapeology wasn't Harry's thing

when we worked together.

He just cut me in half and

And pulled rabbits out of hats.

If you think I had anything

to do with his death,

you are very much mistaken.

I need to get back.

Trying to save

a future marriage.

It's quite the motive.

Na more.

Barr a sleep to say

we und the harrt eche.

The harda usha sha-sha

flesh is harta.

'Tis a constipation

devoutly ta bae wisht.

Ta die, ta sleep.

Oi, there's a rabber.

The bard at his most sublime.

Always gets me.

Terry was blackmailing Jane.

He also stole Leonard's idea.

Then there's Sylvie, who wants

her daughter to win at all cost.

Anything yet From the hairspray?

No fingerprints.

But I found some strange

residues on the canister.

Just running some tests now.

Has Sam been briefed

about Debra Cadabra?

Yes, he he ran

to have a catch-up.

Made more dubious excuses.

It can't be a woman.

He'd be more cheerful.

As well as smelling strongly

of Claude Chang for men.

Let's examine this logically.

It started when CC Lowsley

asked for help

for the talent show.

Then he abandoned a crime scene

when he should

be interviewing key suspects.

There must be a link.

- Bingo!

- Of course.

Denatonium benzoate.

Okay

A chemical often used

as a bittering agent

in toxic products.

Here it's found along

some interesting friends.

Look at this nitrocellulose

and isopropyl alcohol.

But a mixture of all three

would suggest

a substance applied to

Oh, dear.

Isn't this good news?

I'm afraid not.

Then I found ♪

A new sound from inside ♪

No need to hide ♪

I was there ♪

Now I'm here ♪

I can finally be me ♪

Flying free ♪

Let's hear it

for Miss Tina Tiny!

Final act of the day.

And now there will be a break

whilst the judges deliberate.

- Did I win, Mummy?

- No doubt.

No doubt, my angel.

Can we have a word, please?

Curly Cuddles left his bag

in the village hall.

Tina, did you take this can

of hairspray from it?

No.

We think you did.

Then that you took it on stage.

What do you think you're doing?

You can't interrogate a child.

I'm afraid I must,

Mrs. Simmons,

because Tina was seen

'round the back of the hall

where the hairspray was found.

A residue was found

on the aerosol.

Denatonium benzoate.

It has an unbearably

bitter taste

and so is often used

in nail-biting remedies.

I'll need to swab your

fingernails to see if they match.

This is nonsense.

Of course they won't be a match.

Tell them, Tina.

I did it for you.

What?

She's lying.

I don't even know

why she'd say that!

Tina, I have to ask you,

did you mean to k*ll him?

Of course she didn't k*ll him.

Never use hairspray by

a naked flame, you said,

or you'll burn like

a Roman candle.

No.

I can't believe it.

You can't believe

what she's saying.

- She's only 11.

- I'm 14.

This is you.

You're Angela.

Christina would be 11.

Mummy changed my hair,

my clothes and my name.

It's a stage name.

Our tribute to your sister

to keep her alive in our hearts.

The Great Faldini discovered

your secret, didn't he?

He walked in on me.

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

Not so tiny after all,

are we, Tina?

I better go and talk

to the judges.

It'll get you disqualified,

I'm afraid.

Lying about your age.

Please don't.

You're going to win anyway.

- What does it matter?

- Probably.

But you're my only

real competition here.

You could pull out

of the talent contest.

You get to keep your

little secret,

and I get my prize money.

Win, win.

Mummy wouldn't let me.

It's up to you, sweetheart.

You were trapped.

If Terry revealed your age

or if you quit the competition,

the illusion your mother

had created would fall apart.

I just wanted to

make you proud, Mummy.

Make up for Christina's death.

I know you wish it was me

that d*ed instead.

I have never said that.

What will happen to me?

You will be charged with m*rder

and taken to a young

offenders' facility.

You'll be treated very well,

and your mother

will be able to visit.

I want nothing more

to do with her.

I knew you were wrong

from the minute you were born.

A glass half-empty.

Whereas your sister

It seems the wrong child

did die.

Can I have something to eat?

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

the moment we've all been

waiting for!

In third place

it's the Belles of

Great Slaughter!

In second place,

the Laurence Olivier

of our village,

Tom Thomas!

Well said, Tom.

And finally,

the winner of the 50th

Great Slaughter talent contest

and of the £500 cash prize,

ladies and gentlemen,

is Curly Cuddles!

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I can't

I don't believe it.

Well, thank you,

Great Slaughter.

And good night!

Congratulations

on solving the case.

Two, if you include the Curious

Case of the Invisible Inspector.

- What are you talking about.

- Sergeant?

- Well, let's examine the facts.

- I have an audit to finish.

There's a renegade flock of

sheep blocking the High Street.

We should have

a word with Mr. Cuddles.

Three related events

with one common denominator.

Drinks are on me!

Coulrophobia an

irrational fear of clowns.

It is not irrational.

My parents took me to the circus

when I was age four,

and there was a

Well, an incident.

Why didn't you tell us?

Obviously,

because you'd make fun of me.

Phobias are no laughing

No laughing matter.

A worthy winner.

Have you ever thought

about having a go?

Oh, I fear that would fall

squarely under the sin of pride.

♪ There's luminol

so you can see ♪

Hemoglobin on the scene ♪

♪ If you've got some

fire debris ♪

♪ Use gas chromatography ♪

♪ If blood grouping of ABO ♪

♪ Makes you let somebody go ♪

♪ All your tests are liminal ♪

♪ Use this to catch

the criminal ♪

♪ Trace evidence always

helps us solve the case ♪

♪ Edmund Lowcock said

every contact leaves a trace ♪

♪ Classified, the information's

need-to-know ♪

♪ Magnify the fibers,

hairs, and clothes ♪

♪ And ash and glass

and soil and tools ♪

♪ And marks and fragments,

paint chips, fingerprints ♪

♪ Blood stains

is the pattern shiny ♪

♪ Are the edges spiny? ♪

♪ Is the surface glass or wood

or tile or fabric? ♪

♪ Suspect false documentation ♪

♪ Differentiation ♪

Verify the handwriting's

a match ♪

Bang! Firearms ♪

♪ When used to provide harm ♪

♪ Check for powder on palms ♪

♪ Work out the trajectory

and amm*nit*on ♪

Tool marks, tyre tracks,

and footprints ♪

♪ Impressions left on chintz ♪

♪ Good to take

a plaster mould or two ♪

Hey!

Sister?

Rather a shame, really.