01x02 - Morning in America

[bunniefuu]

General Axatrax, you should wait inside!

I'm not going to get captured, Bobzorb.

Hot damn,
they blowed it all up!

Vermont, Hollywood, every college campus,

which, as you know,
are hotbeds of liberal foofaraw.

So this here is a good thing?

Might could be.

If I survive, I'll finally be in charge.

I can rebuild the America
I've always dreamed of,

an America where corporations are people
and people are not.

Let us win, oh white, muscular,
Christian God,

and I promise
I'll remake this world in my own image.

Ah, morning in America.

LaMarr! Look what I got
from the Smithsonian.

Ben Franklin's glasses,

like from the movie National Treasure!

I'm gonna find a national treasure!

Whoa, olden times are blurry.

- Careful, sir.
- Not if I get there first.

Come on! Ah! What?

Oh! When does this end?

It keeps going!

Why?

So this is how we rebuild our history.

I'll do my part by learning the solo
from "Everybody Wants Some!!"

Wait. No, hold on, wait... Well, it's...

Eh...

JFK? This is my boy!

His back brace.

The dog he got from that Russian guy!

What's a bra knife?

Now that was a president.

Handsome, from Boston, end of list.

Oh, well, Kennedy is actually
a great model. His civil rights record...

And his buildup of the military
kept America safe in Southeast Asia.

Plus his wife was wicked classy.

They were like America's favorite couple.

- Like Ice-T and Coco.
- Mr. President, can we get started?

There's still no electricity,
we're running low on bottled water...

Not to mention the club scene.

I went to Bliss last night,

and the go-go cages
were just full of skeletons.

I mean, how is that sexy?

We don't know
how many survivors there are,

so I think we should conduct a census.

Oh, classic big government overreach.

Didn't we just have one of these
so-called censi two years ago?

I think our total population
might be different now.

And the census is one of the first things
the Founders did.

Technically, James Madison just wanted
to find out where, and I do quote,

"be the maidens wide of haunch
and thick of thigh," but...

And it'd be nice to know what people need
so we can help them.

Without Instagram Stories, how are we
supposed to know anything about anyone?

Matty, we have to census.

Hmm.

Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna go
with Lucy on this one, Cartwright. Census!

I do hope that decision

had nothing to do with tonight's
little froggy-go-a-courting.

What? Our date? Nah.
As if I need any help sealing the deal.

I'm... I'm JFK now.

And Lucy? She's even better than Jackie O.

She's, like, Jackie A.

I don't know if I'm Jackie A.

Maybe Jackie D.

Do they think it's a grade?

Hey, where do you want me to put
the rest of the museum stuff?

This painting's, like, big.

Uch, and I guess
we couldn't save it in time.

Gah, I wonder what it was of
before it got melted.

Probably something beautiful.

You know, like a boat,
or a horse, or both.

I can't even bear to look at it.

- Mr. President, that's actually, uh...
- Stupid aliens ruining our precious art!

Ugh. I'm sure
that was a beautiful boat horse.

Damn you.

So, 37, no family,

home address is the umbrella
from a hot dog cart.

Any useful skills?

I wrote a book about how universities
are stifling free speech,

so I guess I could be, like, food?

Food or firewood, yeah.

...and Walter.

- Yep. Wrote down all your snakes' names.
- Oh yeah? Let me see.

Run, Farrah!
I didn't write down any of them!

Get 'em, Darren!

Yep, just me.

My beloved husband, or whatever,
died during the attack.

Hmm.

You darn aliens!

Oh right, the alien attack.

That definitely happened,
just like this landed on the moon.

It's all a hoax.
The deep state wants us to believe

that the so-called aliens
shot my butt off!

Well, someone did.

Not according to Fox.

You said it, Ainsley.

This is fascinating.
Why do you think so many actors survived?

Cricket Wireless. Chirp, chirp.

Cricket Wireless. Chirp, chirp.

Why are you just standing there?!

k*ll the flesh-bags!

I haven't done real fieldwork
since my undergraduate thesis

on fraternity micro-p*nis syndrome.

Well, you're great at it.
Guess it's like riding a bicycle.

Something I cannot do.

We make a good team, Simon.

Hey, your handwriting is immaculate.

I went to handwriting camp.

Matty, it's beautiful.

I feel like I'm at a vigil
after a party boat sinks on Lake Havasu.

Hey, you're on a date
with the president of the United States.

Just wait till I say "Camelot."

Damn it, General Scarpaccio!

How dare you talk
to an adult general like that?

- I'm a troops.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, sir.

Thank you for your service.

And LaMarr's been out
requisitioning stuff.

That's just a fancy way
of saying "quisitioning" again,

including mustard packets.

Yum!

Plus, jet ski still full of gas.

Well, that's cool. But where did you find
these lamp thingies?

Oh, it's whale oil.

Yeah, LaMarr says the navy yard's

got like, I don't know,
a warehouse full of it

from back before they had electricity.

People in the past were so dumb, right?

So dumb.

But people could really use lights.

Night is dark now.

Not again!

Oh, so you want me
to un-quisition whale oil?

Yeah, sure.

Anything for my First Lady.

Hyannis Port!

He's supposed to make a heart!

If it's so easy, you do it.

I am a British subject
on British soil.

I don't have to answer
your American questions.

We just wanna know
how old you are, Jeremy.

You were in the meeting
when we decided to do this.

Diplomatic immunity.

Which, due to intermarrying,
is the only kind of immunity I have.

I think that's our cue to call it a night.

Ever since the zoo animals escaped,
it's not safe to be out after dark.

"Yeah, I bet we could
wrap this up tomorrow,"

said the mummy. Ugh. Sorry.

Yeah, I mean,
mummies are already wrapped, so...

Think of what we'll be able to do
with all these data.

Allocate resources,
make epidemiological maps...

We could even optimize coupling
for repopulation,

and select for traits like intelligence,

or weed things out,
like being really into cars.

Well, if we're selecting for intelligence,
maybe you and I should mate.

Well, it's not up to us.

I mean, it's whatever the numbers say.

Oh, yeah, no, I... I know.
I was just telling another hilarious joke.

Like, "We should mate,"
said the Australian. So...

Oh yeah.

- G'day.
- Oh no.

Lemurs! Run!

Oh God, they're so cute!

Her favorite part of the date

was probably watching me
try to do jumps on the jet ski.

I know very little
about human mating rituals,

but I'm certain that's not the case.

Yeah, well, she agreed
to go out with me again tonight, pal,

so how do you like them apples?

Why do you keep doing that?

So if we distribute it to everyone,
it won't be so dangerous at night.

Tell me more. Tell me more.
Tell me more. Tell me more.

- More.
- Pretty cool, huh?

I mean, the only thing I knew about whales
before last night was the story of Jonah.

That's all you knew about whales?

Huh. Well, I'm glad you had a good time
with Matty last night.

A great time.

There's a whole warehouse
full of whale oil.

Right. Just an observation,

but you haven't actually
mentioned Matty once.

Just whale oil.

- A lot.
- Hmm.

And tonight's technically our third date,
'cause during the attack...

Tell us how to k*ll your spaceships,
or we're gonna boil you.

Oh no, it's behind the fridge!

- Hold on, I'm gonna get my camera.
- Oh, sorry.

I'm glad that was so much fun for you.

Ah, thanks. And, uh, you know
what the third date means.

I do.

But only because I watched the movie Hitch
to prepare for our invasion.

It was... fine.

I'm just saying,
I think what you're really excited about

is that you found a new way
to help people.

Well, sure,
but Matty's helping me help people.

He did listen to me
about the census thing.

Okay, but are you
actually attracted to him?

I have been in a lot of relationships
for the wrong reasons.

I don't think it's connected to the fact

that my parents were sex therapists
who k*lled each other.

Yeesh protocol engaged.

But I've chased plenty of guys
that I knew were bad for me.

- You're leaving?
- Sorry, baby.

Maybe I'll see you next time

the Churyumov–Gerasimenko comet
comes around.

So in 6.5 years?

No, I've got a thing that night.

I know you're excited about whale oil,

but that's about
as good of a reason to be with someone

as a consulting producer credit on Nova.

So what do you think for tonight?
Tuxedo T-shirt and Zubaz?

Why do you keep coming here for advice?

Just go watch Hitch.

You just gotta ask yourself,
is being First Lady really worth it?

Well, how else
am I supposed to help people?

I can't un-quisition things myself.

And maybe Matty
does care about that stuff.

Or maybe he's just doing it
to impress you.

I'm just doing it to impress her.

This is a whole new world, Lucy.

We don't have to keep falling for guys
like Matty and Neil deGrasse Tyson.

It's our turn to be all

"change my light bulbs,
touch my butt, and leave, sir."

Maybe Matty is one of the nice guys.

Because, you know, whale oil.

Lucy, if I ever meet a nice guy,
I know he won't act like Matty.

Huh.

But how can we know
what is in other person's heart?

Maybe sh**t b*ll*ts at it.

Oh, TOD.

That's your solution for everything.

- Polite laugh. Polite laugh.
- Oh, you are violent.

Um... Uh...

Your... your hair looks different.
I... I like it.

Thank you. Something dripped on it.

So where to next for the old census-a-roo?

Not back to the circus.
We learned that lesson.

This is gonna be funny.

Oh God.

Bride coming through!

So psyched!

Hi. Excuse us. I'm going to guess, Becca?

- We're from the census.
- I'm Becca, I'm 26, and I'm single.

For one more night!
Tomorrow is my special day!

Derek is totally alive, Becs.

- Totally.
- We just have a couple questions.

Oh, you have to party with us.

Yeah. It's her last chance
to cheat on Derek

like all those times he cheated on her.

It wasn't cheating,
because I was being weird.

Come on, you're, like,
the hottest guy we've seen all day.

Sure. I know how this goes.

"Simon, you take off your clothes first."

Then I stand by the side of the road

while Uber after Uber
refuses to pick me up,

and my rating drops through the floor.

Ugh. Just make out with me.

Whatever this is,
I'm not interested, okay?

I would rather share my bed

with a good book
and a very precisely made cup of tea.

Good day, ma'ams.

Tomorrow is my special day!

I'm not sure how to record that.

Is being terrible an occupation?

Oh, ah.

I knew you were a woman in STEM,

but I didn't know
you're a woman in comedy.

Here's a thought experiment.

Say we're married...

...and the chair of my department

calls to tell me
that I've been awarded tenure.

Do you, A, hug and congratulate me,

or B, yell, "Now, I want a divorce,"

take my credit card,
and go to a strip club?

Uh, I'm gonna go with A.

And not just because
the only time I went to a strip club,

they kicked me out for crying too loudly.

Hmm. Duly noted.

You like that, Admiral Farragut?

I can't do this to Derek!

Hey. Did you talk to Mr. LaMarr
about the whale oil?

You know it, Luce.

Oh my gosh, thank you, thank you.

Anything for the future
Mrs. Matthew Mark Lukeandjohn Mulligan.

- Wait, what's your middle name?
- After all, tonight's our third date.

Third?

Oh right, the beach house.

- Hurry! You take it!
- Put it in the pot! No!

- You take it!
- I don't wanna touch it!

How did I let myself be captured
by you two?

But tonight's not the only reason
you talked to Mr. LaMarr, right?

No! Come on.

I care about the stuff
that you care about,

like protecting animals,

and also taking the oil
from inside of them.

I get you.

I thought I heard
your lovely voice out here.

It was either that
or a angel eating a sloppy, wet peach.

A moment?

Miss Suwan, as you know,
I just spoke with President Mulligan.

Yes, I am so glad

people will be able to see
what they're eating and kissing at night.

Yeah. Well, I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.

Oh no.

Well, you lived a full life.

No, I... What? No.

- About the whale oil.
- Uh?

Doling out government resources
like we live in Soviet Russia or Portland?

No, thank you.

So, tragically, your proposal's
bound to die in committee.

Wait, like, it's not gonna happen?

Sugar, I've been in government a long time

while you were off
taping your buttocks cheeks together,

and prancing about like a hurdy-gurdy girl
for the lookie-loos at the judges' table.

Pageants are much more than that, sir.

Of course they are.

There's also smiling and waving
and wearing pretty costumes.

Being First Lady's no different.

So from here on out, why don't you stick
to a more traditional First Lady role?

Or maybe you should try
redecorating the White House,

as Ms. Jacqueline Kennedy did so garishly,

with the Pope whispering in her ear.

That's a good girl.

Why is this always all that's left?

Come on.

Ooh!

Oh, it's just Dasani, guys.

It says it's sourced directly
from middle-school water fountains.

Awkward silences, am I right?

Boop.

Why?

You know, I just realized
we haven't filled these out yet.

Well, I know your name.
Place of residence?

I have moved into the National Archives.

It's an historian's dream.

Although I do share it
with a group of seventh graders

who were there when the aliens attacked.

They have made a mess
of Jefferson's p*rn*graphy collection.

- And you are single, yes?
- Very.

In my experience,
girls go for the Mattys of the world.

The toilet bowl head-dunker,

not the toilet bowl head-dunk-cipient.

Yeah, sometimes even very smart women
make bad choices,

but...

...maybe that can change now.

- So, census.
- Right, census.

Census. Census.

Census.

Executive order! It's tackle!

Oh yes!

Executive order. It's touch again!

Whoo!

Ow!

Are my eyes playing trickerations upon me,

or is that the Galloping Ghost,
Red Grange himself?

More like JFK.
Look, I got his sunglasses from that box.

I also took a bunch of unlabeled pills.

My back feels great.

And there's my Jackie.

Do you like it? It was her inaugural gown.

I found it with the stuff
from the Smithsonian.

And I found this pamphlet
in the Visitor Center.

I'm gonna make everything
all pretty again,

like a good First Lady.

Well, well, well, I am proud as a pickle.

A Christian pickle that is,
by which I mean a cucumber.

- Tradition is so very important.
- Hmm.

You look gorgeous,
like one of Barbie's friends.

You and me are a modern-day Bennifer.

We're Mucy.

Mucy.

We're going on a third date tonight.
You know what that means.

Oh, your generation is different.

In my day, the third date
was when you wrestled her father.

This is nice.

I'm glad that bus driver who definitely
m*rder*d her husband agreed to babysit.

So, listen...

...on a purely scientific basis,

I believe that it would be
advantageous for us

to maybe get dinner?

I scavenged some pizza Lunchables,

and I thought that we could use them
as bait to catch a rat.

- It's almost 70% women.
- What's that?

So many men died fighting the aliens,

and then afterwards, because of fireworks
and joy rides on abandoned jet skis,

there's way more women than men.

It's like that movie I saw
on the squiggly channel when I was a kid.

I'm in Sextopia 2.

What?

Thunderation.

What is the meaning
of this here thunderation?

I'm just redecorating the White House
like you said I should.

Yes, but this here's my boudoir.

Yeah, but see,
according to that pamphlet I found,

the Red Room was actually never a bedroom,

and I know how much you value tradition.

Why, my own petard.

So I thought we'd use it
like the Founders did.

For small dinner parties,
with musical accompaniment

by Thomas Jefferson's beloved magpie,
Sprinkles McFantastic.

But all the other non-blowed up boudoirs
are spoken for.

Well, apparently, the vice president

traditionally lives over
at the Naval Observatory.

Just a hop, skip,
and an hour's walk from here.

Where, I say, where do you get off, missy?

I am the vice president
of these here United States,

and you're just
an overgrown toddler in a tiara.

Exactly. You said I should act like
I'm in a pageant,

so that's what I'm doing.

I just never knew politicians
were so much like pageant girls.

Because of the corset?

Because you're backstabbers.

Like, I thought
Miss Carson City was my friend,

but she spread a rumor that the reason
I got into Miss Interstate 580

was because my parents
were Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos,

which was extra r*cist because that's
a pretty different country from Thailand.

But I just put on a big old smile
and did my job

until the next pageant.

I knew Carson City couldn't walk too good
in her mermaid costume.

So I got there early
and switched the dressing room

so she was all the way
on the other side of the casino.

By the time she got on stage,
she was so chafed

she could barely sit on Ariel's rock.

And then I was Miss Bandai Video Poker.

So I may not know why you're being bitchy,

but I do know
how to play your little game.

I've been doing it since I was six.

Well, I am ghasted by your flabber.

My gob feels positively smacked.

I think this new world
can be a nicer world, Mr. LaMarr,

one where folks don't have to be mean.

'Cause we've got bigger things
to worry about, right?

I saw a snake eat a guy,
and the guy seemed, like, relieved.

So let's be better, okay?

Enjoy your walk.
Watch out for all the new holes.

You can't...

I'll show her.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Carry the two, actually.

Mostly women?
Wow, that is statistically significant.

But as for dinner, I...

- Tomorrow is my special day!
- So fun!

You're the best.

Maybe they weren't making fun of me.

Oh, guys...

Maybe I really was the hottest guy
they'd seen all day.

Because there's so few guys!

OMG, it's that alive guy from before!

What up, alive guy?

Hey, Farrah, uh, I just remembered...

So I'm gonna go.

What, just 'cause they're 25
and talk like babies,

and I'm a 41-year-old mother of two
whose hip pain has spread to her jaw?

I hear it,
but I'm still out of your league.

You totally were.

I'm not even attracted to you.

Do you have any idea
how much energy it takes

to imagine you
not wearing that stupid hat?

My brain is constantly
having to do Photoshop.

Look, in the old world,
those girls would have stolen my clothes

and shoved me out of a moving car.

But now,
I've actually got a shot with them.

I've got a chance
to do things different now.

What? No, that's only supposed to apply
to things getting better.

You make me feel so little!

Oh, okay.

- Look how random I am.
- Giddyup.

Okay, that's not random.

It's the least random thing
you can do with a hat.

- Come on!
- Oh wow!

You guys like mummy jokes?

Hey, Matty? About our date tonight...

Ah, don't worry. I'm taking down
this creepy painting of Glenn Close.

I don't want her watching us.

Wait, why is there
a painting of Glenn Close in here?

Right, she was First Lady in Mars Attacks!
But you don't have to take it down.

Ooh, someone likes it
when Glenn Close watches.

No. I mean,
nothing's gonna happen tonight.

I can't be with someone

who's just pretending
to care about the things I care about.

But I was just pretending
to care about that stuff.

What are you saying?

I appreciate the effort, Matty,

but... I don't want a third date.

Come on. No.

JFK doesn't get dumped.
I mean, the hot wife is part of the deal.

We're... We're a team.

Well, I do still wanna be First Lady.

Someone has to make you do stuff
like hand out whale oil.

So should I take down the painting or not?

'Cause you can't have it both ways.

Yeah, I can.

I learned a lot about
White House tradition today.

Like about the Kennedy bedrooms.

Bedrooms, plural.

JFK and Jackie
didn't sleep together?

But they were Camelot.

I did a whole year on it in high school.

In public, they were Camelot, yeah.

But in private, they had their own lives,

and JFK slept with other ladies.

Marilyn Monroe,
Angie Dickinson, Betty Rubble...

So hold on, you'll stick around
and be First Lady as, like, a job,

and then I can, like,
secretly date people?

That's the idea.

Okay. Yeah. I mean, fine by me.

'Cause, you know,
Earth is mostly ladies now.

Like in Sextopias 1, 2, and 4.

I don't consider 3 to be canon.
I mean, it's a total mess.

Trevor was sexecuted, and now
he's just back like nothing happened?

- Give me a break.
- Right.

Um, I'm gonna go. Uh, do we have a deal?

Yeah, no, I'm... I'm psyched.

Nah, they're not gonna do it.

I don't know why.

Yeah, so it's a pretty sweet deal.

It's also kind of a national secret, so...

Am I your only friend?

But it's not like for forever.

Lucy's into me.
She just doesn't know it yet.

I'll win her over, like the 2004 ALCS.

I'm not going to ask what that...

Three games to nothing we were down...

Look, if you're gonna
keep coming down here all warm-blooded,

can I at least get an air conditioner?

This containment unit
is not well-ventilated.

Oh yeah. No, we got it from some theater.

X-Men: The Musical
was doing its out-of-town tryout,

and this was Magneto's cell.

♪ Paper clips and missing keys ♪

♪ A whole school bus, it's true ♪

♪ But the only thing ♪

♪ I can't attract is you ♪

No dice on the AC though, no electricity.

But, um, once Lucy comes around,

me and her
can really heat things up down here.

That's the opposite of what I want.

You're welcome, chief.

Socialist mollycoddling.

How did you do it, Lyndon?

Serving under another half-c*ck horndog
from Taxachusetts?

I thought I could pluck that boy's strings
like daddy's first banjo.

I need help to return America
to her former glory,

back in the 1950s when everyone was happy.

No exceptions that I can think of.

Huh, I'll be doggone.

I'll be doggone forwards and backwards.

He's here.

♪ Forks and spoons and cutleries ♪

♪ These stick to me like glue ♪

♪ But the one thing
That won't stick to me ♪

♪ Is you ♪

♪ The struggles that I fought
With the power that I got ♪

♪ These electromagnetic charms ♪

♪ Negative or positive ♪

♪ It doesn't matter what it is ♪

♪ The pulse can't pull you into my arms ♪

♪ I could lift a barge
With my electro-charge ♪

♪ But what's a magnetic mutant to do ♪

♪ When everything's attracted to him ♪

♪ But you ♪