01x10 - The Love Choice

[bunniefuu]

[gentle music playing]

Thank you all for coming!

Coming where?

- We live here. You're in our house.
- [crowd] Yeah.

I've got a freakin' huge announcement!

Okay, do the '90s Bulls' intro song.

I said no to that.

[singing] Dun, dun, dun, dun,
dun, dun, dun, dun, bummm!

Que the diavolo is it?

[mascot] Iz da da size of ya pegga?

He wishes, 'Scotty.

[scoffs] No, it's a seed.

We found seeds!

Hey! I command you to give that back.

Your domain is the air, I know that,
but seeds are of the earth!

Classic Mulligan.

The only thing this guy's done
in six months is ruin my bathroom plane.

I knew I wasn't filling it up that fast.

Hey, President Mulligan's done a lot.

Remember that giant egg monster?

- That he created!
- [crowd boos]

[woman] His fault!

Well, I also got President Cha...

♪ Chugga choo-choo ♪

♪ Listen to my train sounds ♪

♪ I'm the president of train sounds ♪

♪ That's why I said "president" earlier ♪

He's trying, okay?

Sometimes people do good things, and...

you learn about it later

and realize they're maybe better people
than you thought they were.

[indistinct chatter]

Yadda. Yadda yadda.

I think you won them over.

- [all yelling]
- Yadda! Yadda!

I don't agree with that guy,
but you gotta respect him!

Yadda!

[theme music playing]

- [clamoring]
- [indistinct yells]

What the hell did you do?

Now you're yelling at me?

What are you, the lady at Costco?

If a toothpick can go in it,
it is a sample!

It's worse than 1968 out there.

And we don't even have a CIA
to create Woodstock for us.

W-Wait, the CIA...

To distract and mollify
the hippie-dippie-doos.

Get them all in one place,
and then reeducate 'em

through the CIA's
clandestine rock 'n' roll unit,

the Groovy Tangerine Situation.

♪ Lavender smile cats, go get a job ♪

♪ Homeownership is groovy ♪

♪ Take out a loan ♪

♪ We're the Groovy Tangerine Situation ♪

♪ Abandon the cities ♪

♪ Sex is for procreation ♪

♪ Abandon the cities ♪

- [LaMarr humming] Oh!
- [looter grunts]

What do they want me to do?

And they can't just all yell it at once.

They should make a list,

and then pick, like, their favorite person
to bring me the list.

And then if I like it, I'll, like,
write my name on it, and then we'll do it.

Uh, well, Mr. President,
I think you just invented Congress.

[chuckles] Oh, well, I think we're doing
just fine with a one-man senate.

A Congressional election would be
an opportunity for positive change.

That's what we're trying to do, right?
Get it right this time?

Right? So I guess the past 200 years
weren't working for y'all?

- They were not.
- Very much no.

We gotta try something.

We're supposed to make
those people out there happy,

but they're not happy.

[Grimes] I'm pooping on the lawn!

Grimes is pooping on the lawn.

So maybe if we let them
pick a favorite person,

they'd at least know we're listening.

Yeah, we're doing it.
We're having an election.

And not just 'cause elections
are a great excuse

to be late for work on a Tuesday,

which means you can get
blackout drunk on a Monday night.

- [Dr. Braun] Okay.
- [Simon] Huzzah.

Why can't people see me like this?

Being all presidential and stuff,
you know?

Like, "I'm not the president.
My name is Dave Kovic."

That's from the movie Dave.

Well, after Easter,
it's a lot easier to see inside.

We could invite people
to come watch their government at work.

[scoffs] Now you want transparency
in government?

If they see how the sausage gets made,
they're never gonna wanna eat us.

Hey, we're doing an election,

we're doing transparency,

and for some reason,
now I'm hungry for sausage.

g*dd*mn, I miss sausage.

[whimsical music plays]

- [Alfred panting]
- [crowd clamoring]

[scratching]

[electronic whirring]

[dramatic sting]

Forty-five over 92.

[indistinct chatter]

[man screams]

[TOD-209] Ah!

Ah, human screaming,

that really brings me back.

Thanks for that. You are a good friend.

[harp glissando]

What a fun day.

I got a cool T-shirt,

I ate a bunch of dinosaur bones,

and I stole the Hope Diamond.

[gentle music plays]

[whirring]

[electric crackling]

[sighs]

Okay, sending a message home.

How to play this?

Um...

"Wiggity wuzzup?"

No, too formal.

"This is General Axatrax.

The invasion is, uh, um...

over."

What am I doing?

I can't call Cardi-B until I...

alphabetize my spices.

[whimsical music plays]

Asafoetida?

When am I going to make a curry?

This reminds me
of when Ike Turner chased me up a tree.

♪ I miss the '70s ♪

Honey, look, there's something to watch.

Remember watching stuff?

I remember you watching
The Americans without me.

[Lucy clears throat]

Before we get started,
I wanna welcome our viewers.

[Alfred] Oh!

- [man 1] Wow.
- She's pandering to me!

Now, where are we on my election idea?

Well, let's just hold our horses, sir,

because they're scared.

They can sense a storm coming.

Maybe we sleep
in the barn with them tonight,

leave a sugar cube on each eye,

then get licked awake in the morning.

Are you trying to filibuster
this discussion?

And I thought my ex-husband
was good at avoiding conversations.

- [all chuckling]
- [man 2] Burn!

I'm just pointing out
that voting happens in November.

Actually, Congress can call
a special election for D.C. at any time.

So, we don't have to wait until November.

We can just let that month
be about my birthday.

Then, as president of the Senate,
I'm calling the election

for the 60th of Febtober,
two thousand twelve teen.

Why, Mr. Vice President,
if I didn't know better,

I'd think you didn't want people to vote.

[crowd booing]

Don't be ridonkulous.

I like it when... [gags]

When people... [gags]

V... V...

V... V... V... V... V...

Vote.

[indistinct chatter]

[Alfred] I don't think
he really does like it.

I made curry!

Ooh! Whoa!

[all laughing]

I... I... I'm so sorry, I... I...

[man 1] That's entertainment!

Oh right, I made
one of your Earth bloopers.

[grunts]

[all continue laughing hysterically]

Developing story.
We developed some photos.

Zhao News has the picture
you're gonna wanna see.

It'll make you plotz your kishkes.

Nice try with the targeted ads, Zhao,

but I don't trust the NewsCycle anymore.

My, oh my,
is that a beautiful five-foot-tall baby,

- or is Johnny Zhao getting younger?
- [Zhao] Hmm.

Look, I know you're probably a mite sore,

but, Johnny, I need your help.

Help? I wouldn't even give you my copy
of the movie The Help,

and I'd give that to anybody.
It's terrible.

President Mulligan
is fixing to hold an election,

and this city is bluer than a Man Group.

These people vote. They're gonna elect
a bunch of Alexandrias OC.

Remember when she danced?

This is not my base.

My base is real Americans.

- Offense.
- None taken.

So what do you want me to do?

Muddy the waters,
spread false information,

distract people with stories
about the w*r on Christmas?

We're gonna win it.
I don't care how many elves have to die.

Well, I can't

because no one listens to me anymore

because of you.

Pfft. I can't use the press,

and I can't operate behind closed doors

because the room doesn't have a wall.

I've got a GD audience
watching my every move.

An audience? Now we're talking.

What were we doing before?

[elder in Cardibean]
You have failed, Axatrax!

We expected bloopers,
and you gave us only mistakes!

[yelps]

[grunts]

- [dramatic music playing]
- [clock ticking rapidly]

- [laser zaps]
- [snarling]

[Axatrax yells]

[panting]

[whimsical music plays]

[in English] Maybe I should see
what's going on upstairs.

And I've got to get my steps.

Sitting is the new smoking.

They're called aglets.

Simon, right?

Johnny Zhao from Zhao Factor Productions.

Love you on the show.

Listen, you're fired from the show.

The after-party is at the hole
that used to be The Capital Grille.

It would be weird if you came.

What do you mean? Am I out of the cabinet?

Don't worry, man. The election
is still a very important storyline,

and we can't wait to see what
your replacement, hot Simon, does with it.

Well, that is just insult...

Oh, he's gorgeous.
Yeah, I'll see myself out.

Excuse me. Cast only.

Oh, well, yesterday, I...

Wait, I know you.

You're that alien.

Didn't you k*ll, like, millions of people?

Billions, including the cast of Billions.

Paul Giamatti begged for his life.

It was a tour de force.

Look, I'm trying to zazz the show up.

You know, add some zazz.

And you'd be the perfect villain
everyone loves to hate.

Well, uh, I have nothing else to do.

Zazztastic.

Have you ever had wine?

[whimsical music playing]

Oh no you presi-didn't!

[all cheering]

We love you, Mucy!

You see? People love us together.

And that was definitely directed at us.

The other Moosie's not even here.

[upbeat music playing]

Moosie's the original party animal.

I'm flattered I was "MILF" enough to stay,

but we do need regular Simon.

Oh, we're calling him fat Simon now,

and apparently, he doesn't exist
in the Zhao cinematic universe.

[Simon] Hey!

Well, he was going over the census
to create a voter roll.

Uh-oh! Here comes trouble.

[all cheering]

Mama's home.

I'm here to shed some skin and get it in.

Get what in what? Why are you even...

Do not start with me today, Farrah.

Looks like you've already started.

It's not even noon, Axatrax.

Beep you, Sharon.

[all cheering]

[dog barks]

You were right about this, Johnny.

Right as rain. Splishy-sploshy.

An election's the furthest thing
from folks' minds now.

Classic bread and circus.

Well, just wait till after
the commercial break.

Yeah, I sold ads.

And I did the thing where you make them
way louder than the show for some reason.

Some pills were found! Reclaim your life
with some pills we found!

Now back to the show!

Conk-a-choo, conk-a-choo.

[LaMarr chuckles]

Stunt casting.

Look, everyone,
it's King Germ-y. [chuckles]

What? I'm just yanking his chain.

Go ahead, make fun of my name.
I don't care.

Very well, Fatty Dulligan.

No, stop! I don't like it!

[TOD-209] Break, break,
break, break dancing.

- Ooh, look at him go.
- [all cheering]

TOD, what are you doing?

[TOD-109] Mr. Zhao
told TOD to break-dance.

Says robot will appeal
to children and perverts.

Well, I love it.

B-Because I'm a... Because I'm a pervert.

[TOD-209] General Scarpaccio is army man.

Army mans were there.

[dramatic music playing]

Army made TOD.

- [Jayson whimpers]
- What did you do to me?

I'm wetting my pants because I'm old!

Hey, Mr. Silly.

I think someone's just cranky
because they don't have a mission.

And there is a bag back at the lab

full of old clothes
I've been meaning to donate.

[TOD-209] You mean bag of filthy bras?

No, that's just my bras.
We can't do laundry anymore.

[TOD-209] But why so filthy?

The other bag!
Do you want a mission or not?

TOD doesn't know where he came from,

and Farrah is, like, hiding it from him.

Whew, things are gonna be awkward
at Axatrax's handbag party.

Hey, I'm right here.

Well, why can't you be there for TOD?

- [crowd boos]
- What? I'm not here to make friends.

Do I have qualms
about the TOD program? Sure.

But I'm a cyborgologist,

not a "brain where she got 'em"
question-asker.

Seems like TOD's
starting to ask some questions.

You just gonna stonewall?

Like the general, not the West Village bar
I've never heard of.

I'm trying to protect him.

Self-awareness is not great for TODs.

[g*n fires]

[electric crackling]

Oh, but when a man builds
a cyborg super soldier, he's a stud.

Who are you talking about?

Leave it to American scientists
to play God.

No wonder your Doritos are an abomination.

So spicy.

Where are all the good flavors,
like tomato or mushroom prawn?

I don't remember asking your opinion
about Doritos or America, pal.

And I definitely don't remember
inviting you to my house.

Well, uh, actually,
it's the people's house,

and King Jeremy is a people.

Is that why he came over
while Matthew was in Maryland?

[crowd] Ooh!

Are you Lucy's CEO?

'Cause you are high up in her business.

Wait, when I'm not around,
do you two, like, hang out together?

[crowd gasps]

King Jeremy is here because I invited him.

I'm courting an international audience.

And I a-love him,

almost as much as my mama's
unlimited breadsticks.

And I wanted to give His Majesty

a chance to explain this.

[crowd gasps, clamoring]

Oh no she didn't.

I'm gonna give you a knuckle sandwich!

The human knuckles,
not the best part of a lobster!

Commercial break!

[whimsical music playing]

♪ If you want some shoes
That aren't from corpses ♪

♪ Come on down to Gary's Shoes! ♪

I Gary-tee it.

Gary-tees are not guarantees.

Okay, punch him now.

[Jeremy whimpers]

[dramatic music playing]

How could you do that?

I thought we were doing so good lately.

I mean, you said I was the best.

I said you were better than I thought.

Have I been punched? Do I need hospital?

I'm sorry, but you and me
do have an agreement.

They don't need to know
about the agreement.

And it's only the boy
that gets to see other people.

- [crowd gasps]
- No!

[woman] What did he just say?

Look, I'm sorry it came out like this,
but perhaps it's for the best.

Now everything's out in the open.

Oh, I get it. You did this.

You want me and Lucy to fight

so you two can gallop off
on your trusty steed,

your hair all golden and shiny.

This creep probably
took that photo himself.

- How would that even be?
- The camera's a hundred feet away.

- Well, then how does Spider-Man do it?
- He doesn't.

Peter Parker's the photographer,

Spider-Man is a menace.

And I had nothing to do
with that photograph.

You have all ruined my handbag party!

Your handbags ruined the party.

They're basic, and everybody thinks so.

- [LaMarr grunting]
- Stay tuned to see which dude Lucy chooses

- on Johnny Zhao Presents: The Love Choice.
- [music crescendos]

Mmm, ladies' clothes. Nice.

Are these from a dead wife or girlfriend?

Wink, wink.

[TOD-209] TOD had a wife.

[Grimes] Ooh, corporate swag.

It's like the stuff we used to give out
at shareholder meetings.

- I was CEO of Dasani... [grunts]
- [electronic beeping]

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm into this.

[TOD-209] Where did you get that?

You just gave it to me.

[TOD-209] Huh?

[Grimes grunts, groans]

[gentle music plays]

Call me!

I made the green room
the green room. Get it?

Bud Light Lime?

There's a lot left.

I tell you, Johnny, the last time
I had this much fun at a circus,

I was but a towheaded boy. [chuckles]

This is back
when you could call them freaks.

You can't keep people
distracted forever, you know.

Oh yeah? We're developing
a hot Simon spin-off.

Hot Simon Hot Says.

Damn it, I would watch that.

What the hell, Zhao?

Bro, chill out. Have a Bud Light Lime.

[gulps] Oh, I hate it! It's bad!

Mr. President, this is what
you asked for, transparency.

I meant transparency
like everyone seeing how awesome I am.

Well, the show must go on.

Isn't that right, Miss Suwan?

That is true.
Matty, it doesn't matter what we...

I am not talking to you.

I mean, I am now, but not now.

I mean, not, like, now... Not now!

Damn it, you're so smart!

You gotta give the people what they want.

I learned that when I was ten years old.

Mom, I don't wanna sing "Two Princes."

I wanna sing "Single Ladies."

Honey, this is
a Spin Doctors theme pageant.

Don't disappoint the judges.

Just go ahead now.

[tender music playing]

Just go ahead now.

[Lucy] So that's what I did.

I just went ahead then,

and that's what we have to do now.
Just go ahead.

Yeah, give the people what they want, man.

It's what they want.

Oh, just think, sir, yesterday,
that crowd was rioting in the streets.

They were as mad
as a polecat in a paper bag.

Now, they're as happy
as a different polecat in a paper bag.

Sometimes they have fun in there.
It depends on the polecat.

That's easy for you guys to say.

You're not the ones
that just got humiliated on national...

well, lawn, or whatever.

You humans don't know
how good you have it.

Here on Earth, you can spill curry.

You can get drunk
and make a fool of yourself.

You can make baseball mistakes.

No one packs your ani with expl*sives
and catapults you into a sun.

You celebrate your flaws and foibles.

Foibles?

No, I grew up poor.
We didn't have that fancy stuff.

[sighs]

Believe it or not, I envy you.

[somber music playing]

Ugh! That is so bad.

[gentle music playing]

[mechanical whirring]

[water splashes]

[glass shatters]

[TOD-209] Who made us?

[dramatic music playing]

This isn't even in the right box.

[Simon] Ugh, boxes.

Sure, but Matty's helping me help people.

Meadowlark Lemon!

So was it a real ghoul,
or does science exist? [laughs]

[TOD-209] Dr. Braun made TOD.

The truth was inside you all along.

Okay, bye, I guess.

[upbeat music playing]

- ♪ The Love Choice ♪
- [audience cheering]

♪ Everybody put your hands up ♪

♪ The Love Choice ♪

♪ Everybody come and stand up ♪

♪ The Love Choice ♪

[crowd applauding]

This is the final rose,

like on Earth.

I got it from a grave
of someone named Eufie.

My Eufie?

Well, they don't call it "show friends."

I knew that
when I got into this crazy business.

Before we get started,
give it up for Questovic!

[all applauding]

I thought we agreed on Yanklove.

Tonight, the First Lady will choose

between a president and a king.

Dramatic entrance!

- [all applauding]
- [all] Whoo!

[woman] Yes!

Wow, what a love choice.

But how did we get here?

- Previously, on whatever this is...
- [crowd gasps]

Good morning, Lucy. Oh my goodness.

- My lady, you are so pretty.
- [Matty groans]

[Matty] Seriously? Team Jeremy?

[scoffs] Oh, maybe it's Jeremy Roenick
from the Flyers.

He grew up in Mass, so that's okay.

They're clearly referencing me
with those T-shaped garments.

I refuse to call them shirts.
They don't have cuffs or foibles.

But, Lucy, if you were worried
about cheating on America,

I think America is just fine
with hiding in the closet and watching.

Right. That was kinda
the only thing keeping us apart.

What? When? Who? Him? Why?

You know what? Forget this!

- [dramatic music playing]
- Oh, Jeremy!

[dragon] Roar.

Y'all love Jeremy so much,
why don't you marry him?

Oh, I would wreck him.

You think Lucy should choose him
just 'cause he talks gooder than I?

I know that's wrong, okay?
I'm all worked up.

And the only reason he's taller than me
is 'cause he's in meters.

But that's not why I like him.

Fine, then go be with him.

But President Matty is not a loser.

He's a finder!

Damn it, wrong opposite!

This whole thing is so stupid.
So guess what? I'm not a choice anymore.

I quit.

Enjoy your show.

Dramatic exit!

[crowd groans]

Wait, so there's no love choice?

This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

No, no, the show's not over.

I mean, a circus doesn't stop
just 'cause they used too much gunpowder

and shot the human cannonball
through a church.

I'm sure Mr. Zhao
has more twists and turns up his sleeve

to keep you all in your seats.

Yeah, I... I do,
'cause... King Jeremy's not that great.

- [crowd gasps]
- Yeah, that's right.

'Cause he's the one who told the news
about the president's fake marriage.

[crowd jeering, yelling]

I told you that as a secret!

Damn you, Zhao!
And that's from an Anglican, so it's real.

You're going to hell.

[Matty] Wait, what is going on?
I can't tell who's talking.

Are you quite serious?
Everyone has very distinctive accents.

[Matty] Oh, okay. Thanks, Lucy.

- [whimsical music playing]
- [Axatrax groans]

- This is General... [screeches] ...Axatrax.
- [electric whooshing]

I'm supposed to get in touch,
so I'm getting in touch

'cause Cardibeans do as we're told.

The invasion failed. It's my fault.

So come t*rture me for, like, ever.

The uzh.

[cries] I miss you so much.

I hope whoever's
commanding you now is fat.

Perfect message.

Now to send it.

[radio static]

[voice on radio]
We have returned.

We have returned.

We have returned.

[in English] "Dak-ree." That's Cardibean.

They're already here.

[dramatic music plays]

Lucy, I can explain.

Oh my gosh, Matty was right.

[Matty] I knew it!

Brady lost to Eli on purpose
just to mess with Peyton.

No, about Jeremy.

That creep told Mr. Zhao about us
to, like, ruin our relationship.

Because your "relationship"
was a loveless charade.

I was only trying to save you
from this ogre.

What, like Shrek? Nice insult.

Guy had like four movies named after him.

[in Scottish accent] "Get in my tummy!"

Wrong film.
That's the second Austin Powers.

Wait, he's Scottish in every movie?

He's himself
in So I Married an Axe m*rder*r.

- No, the dad is Scottish.
- You're forgetting the dad.

Please don't be cross with me.

I just wanted to be
your fairy-tale prince.

But not the one Snow White is based on.

That guy went around kissing dead bodies
he found in the woods.

Well, I don't need to be saved.

Hang on.

If he's a snitch,
then he's not better than me after all!

It looks like we got ourselves
a good old-fashioned love choice.

[crowd cheering]

- [woman 1] Yeah!
- [woman 2] Now we're talkin'!

Luceline Bellagio Suwan,

turns out both of these men
are equally pretty lame.

So which one do you want to spend
the rest of your life with?

[imitating drums beating]

Just go ahead now.

Sorry, did I say that weird?
English is my third language.

[in Esperanto]
I also learned Esperanto for a girl.

[Alfred continues imitating drums]

[in English] Oh my gosh.

I don't wanna be with either of them.

[crowd gasps]

You can't do that.
You're... You're disappointing your public.

Yeah, I'm like obsessed with you.

Well, I'm sorry,

but my whole life all I've ever done
is try to please everybody.

But I can't make Team Jeremy
and Team Matty happy.

It actually says "Team Marty." I'm Marty.

Axatrax was right.

He has touched our lives in so many ways.

Sometimes I thought he was teaching us.

[Lucy] Being a human means
you're not perfect,

and that's okay.

So, sorry, everyone,

but I'm gonna be selfish for once
and do what I want.

And here on Earth,
what's the worst that could happen?

[all applauding]

Sure, the British monarchy
never kills women they're mad at.

But what will distract them
from their so-called lives?

Voting? No, boring. Who said that?

Oh, how about this?

"Hello, I am Jean-Pierre, a lumberjack."

"Oh, heavens, my dinner party."

Or that. What about that?

Hey, buddy, what are you...

[TOD-209] I wish you'd never made me.

Okay, I know you're confused.

[TOD-209] TOD not confused.

TOD hate you, Mom.

TOD going to go shoplift,

maybe become juggalo. Whoop, whoop!

[Dr. Braun sighs]

Well, okay, I thought
that'd be a deeper well.

What else?

Are you boys
just gonna take that rejection?

I mean, you're not good enough for Lucy?

She's selfish,
and I'll bet she poops and pees.

Yeah, you're not better than us.

[scoffs] Good luck finding someone better
than a president and a king.

Nice scoff, bro.

And you as well.

Dude, you've met everyone on Earth.

- We're the best you're gonna do.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I suck.

Ugh.

[indistinct chanting]

[crowd gasps, screams]

[Joel] Not again!

[indistinct chanting continues]

God, they're back!
Take Farrah! She's Farrah!

Oh, I am so screwed.

- ♪ Daiquiris on Christmas Eve ♪
- It's a boat.

Wait, what does dak-ree mean in human?

♪ Opening presents in the Florida sun ♪

♪ A stocking full of limes
And a bottle of rum... ♪

- [man screams]
- [Marty] Classic Marty!

[all screaming]

♪ ...till they turn on the lights ♪

♪ Merry Christmas to all
And to all a good night... ♪

When a bunch of white people
show up on a ship somewhere,

that's usually a good thing for the people
who already live there, right?

Cartwright Foghorn LaMarr?

Trishelle, that's our senator!

[LaMarr] Well whaddya know?

Real Americans.

Maybe we should
hold that election after all.

- Fu...
- Fu...

Wow, what a twist.

This is part of the show. I planned this.

Cliffhanger.

♪ Merry Christmas to all ♪

♪ And to all a good night ♪

[dramatic music playing]

[whimsical music playing]

[music ends]

[dramatic music playing]

♪ Lavender smile cats, go get a job ♪

♪ Homeownership is groovy
Take out a loan ♪

♪ We're the Groovy Tangerine Situation ♪

♪ Abandon the cities ♪

♪ Sex is for procreation ♪

♪ Abandon the cities ♪

♪ The Love Choice ♪

♪ Everybody put your hands up ♪

♪ The Love Choice ♪

♪ Everybody come and stand up ♪

♪ The Love Choice ♪

[song ends]