01x02 - Windows of Opportunity

[bunniefuu]

Kilah, I'm gonna need you
to start smoking out back from now on.

- We're getting a lot of complaints.
- From who?

I don't wanna say from who.
I just need you to start smoking out back.

It was the wheelchair lady, wasn't it?

Great. Mystery solved.

[Kilah] f*cking rat.

- I knew it.
- Then why'd you blow it in her face?

- Hello!
- [woman] Hi.

Um, is it possible for me
to get an oil change here today?

We can do an oil change today.

Okay, great.

Um, and if I can be a bit of a pain,

um, if it could be done in an hour,
two hours max.

I'm... I'm prepping for an interview.
I really need to get back.

- That's not a pain at all.
- Thank God.

[Will] People are like,

"I need my oil change right now,
or I'll ruin your life." So...

[woman laughing] I don't wanna do that.
I promise. No.

Um...

I'm Desiree.

I'm Will.

Oh, I meant for the order.

- Oh, yes. Um...
- [Desiree] Okay.

- Terrific. I'll put that in.
- Okay.

And I'll still be Will,
and then you can grab a seat over there.

Give me your keys,
and I'll get the guys right on it.

[Shane over PA] Hey, welcome
to Valley Forge Auto...

[Shane moaning suggestively]

...where we take care of our customers.
[moaning]

Oh, Will, I'm gonna f*ckin' bust!

[moaning] Oh, Will!

Uh, f*ck!

I do apologize about that,
but it could've been ten times worse.

So, you know, sorry, Desiree,
but I'll get the guys on it,

then we'll get cooking. Shane!

[mellow acoustic music playing]

[crash]

Okay, Arnold,
this lady needs an oil change.

Mexican lady.
Tell her it's gonna be a while. I'm busy.

First of all, I don't think she's Mexican.

Second, it's irrelevant.

I can tell you if she's Mexican.
I can tell anybody's race by their car.

No, you can't. And that's a little r*cist.

It's not. Anybody can do it.
You could do it.

No, I couldn't.

Black Nissan. Tinted windows. Cherry b*mb.

- I don't know what that would be!
- Pack of menthols... in any car.

I don't know what that would be.
That could be anybody.

Arnold, Chrysler 300.

Never mind. He's gonna say it for real.

All right.
Arnold, she needs this car in an hour.

Well then, tell her to take the bus
like the rest of 'em.

[Shane] Damn, Arnold.

Arnold, this is a warning.

You know, I work for your dad, not you.

I was here when you were back
in high school going to flute camp.

I did not go to flute camp.

All right, I don't remember
exactly what it was,

but I do remember it was gay.

You will have this car done in one hour.

Oh, we'll see.

I wouldn't want you
to have to call your daddy.

[whimpers like a baby]

[Kilah over PA]
Shane, your friend George is here.

- Shut the f*ck up! Shane!
- George! What up, dude?

You still work here?

- This f*cking place?
- Yeah.

That's hilarious. Come on.

Yeah. It's f*cking funny.
What's going on with you? How are you?

I'm an entrepreneur.
I, uh... I started my own company, so...

- [Shane] That's cool.
- It's going well.

- [Shane] You still look jacked.
- [George] Thank you.

You know, I'm up at 4:30 every day.
Kettlebells are not gonna lift themselves.

We start with that, then it's on to cryo,

then a little ice bath,
breath work, grounding,

and then treadmill incline
about probably 15,

but I have two bricks under the front,
so it's actually higher.

You know, I've just found that
what I do athletically and aerobically

has translated monetarily.
I'm doing well financially, so...

Yeah? That's f*cking...

[George] What do you do?
You were such a good athlete.

I was... Yeah, I was...
Uh, well, I've been working.

I've been doin', uh,
all types of shit, really.

- [George] Yeah.
- f*cking...

[exhales]

[George] Like, lifting or...

Yeah, I lift.

[George] You do?

I remember in high school,
you used to shoulder press, like, 170.



- [Shane] You can do 170 still?
- Still got it. Yeah.

- That guy's about 170.
- [George laughs] Get over here!

- Come here, dude.
- Get over here.

- I'm gonna put you over my head.
- [Will] No!

- [Shane] Come here!
- [George] You goose!

- [Shane] Come here, f*cking loser.
- Absolutely not! [yelps] Absolutely...

- [Dave] Chill out, dude.
- [Will] Chill out?

Chill out, ass man. Shane!

Where'd you hear that?

Who's this guy? This is a piece of ass.

- This is my boy George.
- Hey. Dave.

[Shane] We played football together
in high school.

You guys are the same age?

I guess if I kind of saw Shane alone
and then...

Even still, though.

- Look. Holy f*ck.
- [George] I stay flexed.

- I've been hitting shrugs. Feel that?
- You're jacked, bro. Awesome.

Pull it back. Let him see it.

- The frame is good. A lot of potential.
- [Dave] That's awesome.

I'd love to chat. I really
would love to chat for a long time, but...

[sighs] Me and Will
got some stuff to attend to,

so, Willie,
let's hit the principal's office.

Okay, my office? Sure.

- [Dave] We'll go to the office.
- [Will] Yeah, to my office.

It's good to see you.

I'm proud of you.

- Yeah, it's good to see you.
- Still here. Still at it.

[George] Hmm.

Are you happy?

No.

[sighs] Finally!

- God. It's a f*cking mess in there.
- Wait, what? What's happening?

I don't know. Dave's here, and that dude
who talks about exercise and protein.

Why can't we have one day
that's just work?

[Kilah] g*dd*mn it.

Hi, Miles.

f*cking kids, man.
Nobody's f*cking working.

I got five college kids in there.
Know what they're doing?

- Tugging d*ck.
- That's what they do.

Guess what Miles is doing?

Dragging a sack of shit.

I freak out on them, I'm the bad guy.

I say it's a bistro.
They say it's a hoagie shop!

And it is!

- I can't deal with this.
- I yell at one kid, and the cops show up?

- Yeah, I'm coming with you.
- [Miles] Oh! Sorry!

Jesus!

Now I'm taking out the trash,
not doing what I'm supposed to be doing!

- Thanks, Miles.
- [Miles] Yeah.

- Have a good one.
- [Miles] Now I'm taking out the trash!

You don't f*ck me! I f*ck you!

- Yo, who is she?
- Oh, that's my wife.

She's hot as f*ck, dude.

Polynesian.

They don't age.

- What the f*ck is Polynesian?
- Like The Rock. You see this?

- Yeah.
- Infiniti.

- It's nice.
- It's more comfortable than the Porsche.

- That's an expensive f*cking car, dude.
- To some.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, but not for me.

I make 200,000 US dollars per year.

You make 200,000 a year?

- That's right.
- Doing what?

Windows.

- You wa... You washing windows?
- No, no. Selling them.

You sell windows and make that much money?

That's right.

I could see a spot for you at my company.

- Yeah?
- It'd give me a lot of pleasure.

I've worked here ten years.
I've never thought about these windows.

I've never seen these.

God damn.

[sighs]

Will, I gotta tell you.

These numbers are dog shit, pal.

I gotta send one of your guys
to the Belmont shop.

- Did my dad approve that?
- [Dave] I approved it.

You don't need three mechanics here.

You barely got enough work for one,
for Chrissake.

Well, for... for now! For now!

But I've got some marketing ideas
that I think are gonna boost car count.

And so, you know,
I wanted to talk to you about that.

Okay, Arnold.

Send Arnold.

No, I'm not sending Arnold.
He's slow as shit.

Right, send Arnold to Belmont,

or take him out back
and sh**t him in the head. I don't care.

No, I need somebody good.

I'm thinking Shane, probably.

Well...

Yeah, Sh... Shane... Shane's, uh...

Shane's... Shane's not that good.

Uh, if... if... if you're looking
to send somebody good,

he's not your guy.

What's going on with Shane?

General laziness, I suppose,

and, uh, he doesn't really,

uh, recommend a lot of work to upsell.

That's... He doesn't do that.

Really?

[sighs] Guess I'm gonna have to have
a talk with Shane.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'll, uh...

I'll take care of it.

Constantly late, lazy when you get here,
not recommending any work.

Will told you that?

Yeah, and I gotta be honest,
I'm not too happy with you, pal.

Did Will tell you
he hasn't sold shit in two months?

I'm not going to Belmont.

[Dave] Come on, dude!

Look, I'm throwing you
five extra bucks an hour.

That brings you to 32.50!

Oh my God.

[Dave] You're living like
a white trash sultan on that.

Come on. It's a good deal, Shane. Take it.

[Shane] I'll think about it.

No, I'll think about it.

f*cking think about it.
I'll f*cking think about it.

I'm gonna think about it, so, you know,
it's... it's not on the table forever.

[toilet flushes]

Will!

- [Kilah] Oh f*ck.
- Oh, that's great! That's great.

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck you!

f*ck.

[slow country music plays]

[Dave] Will, what the f*ck, man?
I just talked to the guys.

- They're saying you're not selling shit.
- Well, they're wrong.

Really? When's the last time
you upsold anything?

[wheezes]

I don't have a, you know,
exact date, but...

Okay. How about this?

Right there. See that?

There's a lady
getting four tires replaced.

She needs brakes.
Go sell her the brakes, Will.

[Will] Okay. And who is this?

Who? There's two f*cking customers
in there.

- You can't keep track of two customers?
- No, I just need a second to rehearse.

- I'll do it. Watch...
- Dave!

Don't eat those. I'm coming back for them.

You actually make $40,000 a year?

Yeah.

Come work for me.

I want you at George Blaine Window Panes.

I can give you so much more.

So I'd be Shane
from George Blaine's Window Panes?

It's got a nice ring to it.

I gotta get out of here.
This is uncomfortable for me.

Hi, ma'am. Hi, I'm Dave.

I'm the district manager
here at Valley Forge.

I just wanted to take time out of my day

to thank you
for being such a valued customer.

And, uh, I was looking at your car.

It looks like you're gonna need
a new set of brakes.

No one wants to hear that,

but we are running
our district manager special.

Uh, for 200 bucks,

we can get you those brakes
on top of the tires,

and you'll be out of here
with a brand-new car, essentially,

within a couple hours.

Can we sign you up?

No, I don't think so.

Really?

- [Dave laughs]
- [Will groans]

- Uh, ma'am...
- I know what you did.

What?

Ma'am. Sorry, I just... I'd feel so bad...

I know what you did. I'm on your ass.

I'm gonna knock $50 off. What do you say...

- What are you talking about?
- Oh yeah!

[chuckles] Sorry, ma'am.

- Truly...
- I said no.

[Dave] Great.

Really great.

Oh, yes!

Finally.

[somber piano music playing]

- [music stops]
- [Miles] Un-f*cking-real!

- [groans]
- Oh. Hey, Kilah.

- Get this. These f*cking kids...
- Gotta go! Sorry!

Hey!

Way to go, shit lips!
You just ruined that f*cking sale for me!

Uh, listen. I gotta tell you, I disagree.
You didn't have that sale.

Didn't have the sale?

Did you hear what I said
about the district manager special?

I just made that shit up.

She was eating out of
the palm of my f*cking hand,

and you blew it!

What the f*ck
do you even do around here, Will?

[Will] And then you do this...

[pop music playing over stereo]

Yo!

- It's not too bad!
- That was actually f*cking good.

[Dave] No answer. Of course.

Look, I need to see
Shane's performance review right now.

Um...

The performance review. That... that...

There is a file, uh...

Wait, wait.

You don't even have
a performance review for Shane, do you?

[sighs deeply]

No, I don't have it.

Well, you know what that means.

Wait, though.

I'd prefer not to.

Okay. So, performance review.

How do you review your performance
this quarter?

If I had to review it,
I would say I f*cking crushed again.

How would you review that question
you just asked?

Me?

Good! It was a question,
and I asked it. Stop.

How do you feel about your posture?
You've got a feminine posture.

Very alert. Scared, like a deer.

My posture is good.
You've got terrible posture.

My posture is perfect.
This is an alpha's posture.

Complete comfortability, total control
of the room, asserting dominance.

Why are you talking like that?

- When was the last time you lifted?
- When's the last time you lifted?

I'm about to start lifting.

Because of George?
Is he rubbing off on you?

I don't know what you're impressed about
with George. He's clearly on gear.

Gear? What the f*ck are you talking about?
Have you been googling strong guys again?

Okay, you know what?

He shows up late for work
almost every single day.

Will leaves sometimes.
He left to get a manicure once.

Okay, it was once. I had a hangnail,
and I was back before lunch.

He poops in the customers' bathroom.

- Stop.
- [Shane] I do.

I take poops sometimes
in the customers' bathroom.

I take massive man shits.
Will spits when he talks.

Spit comes out and lands...

I've seen it land in customers' mouths.

[Will] One lady. One lady!

One old lady, and she got f*cking sick.
She hasn't been back.

- Because I'm out dealing with customers!
- [Dave] Okay! Okay! All right!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?
You told Dave I was f*cking around?

I told him that because
he was gonna send you to Belmont!

So I said you weren't good at your job
because then he would let you stay here.

Oh.

That lady was... sick before she got here.
Will's spit did not k*ll her.

[Will] Yeah, and Shane,

he's never late.

If anybody's late, it's... it's me.

That was a pretty nice moment, you guys.

I hate to ruin it, though, 'cause you do
still have to go to f*cking Belmont.

- What?
- [Dave] Yeah.

I need somebody good there,
and he clearly can't manage you.

- Dave, come on. What are you doing?
- You start next week.

Just wrap up
whatever you got going on here.

All right.

Dave. Dave, come on.

[Shane] George.

I thought about it.
I think I'm gonna take you up on it.

I was hoping you'd say that.

But you... you can't send him.

- You can't manage the f*cking guy.
- No, I can't manage him.

He's acting out because he has no chance
of making any money here.

- [George] This is gonna be great.
- What do we do?

All right. Typical day. We're up at 4:30.

We're in the gym at the facility,
team workout.

It's mandatory.

- 4:30?
- [George] Yeah.

That's not when work starts, right?

Work doesn't stop.

Why doesn't he have f*cking cars to fix?

'Cause you're not selling d*ck.

You're like a mama dog,
and you got puppies,

and Shane's a little puppy,
and he needs sustenance,

but your titties are all dried up!

Let him go suck some titties at Belmont.
Don't let him starve here.

No. I can't...

I don't really follow
the sexual imagery of that, but...

It was maternal. It was not sexual.

That, for real, sounds like shit.

But $200,000.
I'll do whatever the f*ck you want.

Oh!

I make 200.

Yeah, and you said I was gonna make...
Yeah, we'll make 200.

Well, someday, maybe,

but to start, it's gonna be 30 an hour.

- That's the rate.
- Thirty?

- Yeah. It's you and the illegals.
- You told me I'd make more out there.

I'm offering way more
by way of a lifestyle.

You can't send him away.

Will,

he's gone, dude.

Yeah, I...

- I appreciate the offer. I do.
- [George] Yeah, yeah.

- I like it here. I do like it here.
- No. No!

- [knock at door]
- Hi, guys.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I've been here for two hours.

My car is still out front.
Is this happening today or...

I'm gonna take care of this right now.

You wanna move somebody
out of this store? Excuse me, ma'am.

We're gonna move somebody
out of the store!

Arnold!

- I'll think about it.
- [George] Yeah.

- [Will] Arnold!
- I'll be back.

- All right. I'm here.
- I told you to work on that lady's car!

I told you to work on her car!

And now you're sleeping?

Well, guess what? I'm in charge now!
It's my shop! Not yours!

I've been wanting to fire you
for two months, and today's the day!

You're fired!

Arnold! You're fired!

- Whoo!
- [Will] Wake up!

Arnold, you're fired.

Arnold.

- [Cal] Oh!
- [Will] Oh my goodness!

Somebody check to see if he's breathing.

Check quicker!

What do you feel?

[Cal] He's dead. He's definitely dead.

Did you f*cking k*ll him?

- [Will] Don't say that!
- How hard were you kicking him just now?

Don't say that!
That's not funny to joke about!

- Was this some lovers' quarrel?
- Are you crazy?

- We all heard you screaming at him.
- He's probably been dead since lunch.

I don't think you're an assh*le,

but it's getting harder
to defend you every day.

Could you please hand me that work order?

This is why people think
you're a dickhead.

Doing silent treatment today?
I would f*cking love that.

f*ck you.

My bad.
I shouldn't be f*cking acting like that.

We gotta get our story straight
before the cops show up.

What story is there to get straight?
Are you kidding?

[Shane] You were kicking him,
and now he's dead.

[Will] Oh shit. That's just...

- [operator] 911, what's your emergency?
- Yeah, uh...

- Somebody's dead.
- And what address are you at, sir?

[Will] Nobody k*lled him.

- Sir?
- Nobody k*lled him.

- [Shane] He got kicked a little.
- Someone's dead. He got kicked a bit.

- [Shane] They were lovers.
- [Will] Oh my God!

[slow country music plays]

All right, Will.
Looks like Shane's staying here after all.

- I thought I had it.
- No.

You wanna die like that guy? Here?

Arnold died like a man, dude.
That's how a man dies.

f*cking do what you hate every day,
and then you just die under a car.

I was wondering if we could go over how
you're planning on framing this to my dad.

A man died on your watch.
It doesn't matter.

Do you want a legacy?

Dude, what the f*ck is your legacy
gonna be? "He f*cking ran far."

My story is still being written.
Some people.

Different strokes, I guess, you know?

Yeah.

Is that enchilada place any good
down the street?

Uh, I've heard that some people eat there
and that they like it, but I...

Nice.

Okay.

We really can't apologize enough, folks.

A tragedy still, though.

I think we can all agree it was a tragedy,
and just see Kilah over at the front desk.

She will email you a 5% off coupon,
good at any time unless...

♪ Big light on the back street
Hill to Evermore ♪

♪ Packing down the ladder
With the hammer to the floor ♪

♪ Here come the big black Mariah ♪

♪ Here come the big black Mariah ♪

♪ Here come the big black Mariah ♪

♪ I seen the big black Ford ♪

♪ Well, he's all boxed up
On a red belle dame ♪

♪ Hunted Black Johnny
With a blind man's cane ♪

♪ A yellow b*llet
With a rag out in the wind... ♪

[song fades]

[clattering]

[machinery clicking and whirring]