02x01 - A Nice Boy

[bunniefuu]

[people chattering]

I like church. It's cozy.

Of course you do.

Inside are candles, red wine
and cushions. It's basically our flat.

[chuckles]

[Jason] Erica looks well.

That woman's Beyoncé to me, Jason.

Comes out of a marriage breakup stronger

and without once dragging me
to a yoga retreat.

Do you know how hard that is?

[Jason] Come on. Let's go.

-Why're you wearing canvas shoes?
-Oh, yeah.

Well, I--
I tried to not overthink it, all right?

-Then I've ended up underthinking it.
-It's not very godparenty, is it?

It's difficult to think about things
the exact right amount.

Anyway, don't worry. No one will notice.

See you in a bit.

-You all right? [chuckles]
-Yeah, yeah, fine.

-Why is Jason wearing those shoes?
-I do not know.

-Okay, should we--
-Should we just pop inside?

-Yes.
-Yeah.

No, no, it's fine, it's fine.
I don't care who he dates.

[baby coos]

-She's very pretty.
-No.

[Nikki] It's too early to tell.

Everyone's hot when they're 27.

We won't know for sure until she's 35.

Yeah, what do they talk about?
What has she done?

Women under 30
don't do anything except juice.

-And tell people they're bisexual.
-Very true.

We're just gonna keep it simple.

People who obsess over the wedding day
are just trying to cover up the cracks.

Like, if the relationship's a six,
the day has to be a ten, you know.

-Exactly, don't overthink it. Yeah.
-Yeah.

-How are you, mate? You all right?
-Uh, writing more long form now.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

Doctor told me to, uh, keep a food diary
last month,

and I just, I really leant into it,
you know. Found my voice.

And an allergy to soy.

Yeah, so that's me, trying to crack
the Great American Novel for my sins.

But you're English, mate.

I think it gives me a unique perspective.

-[man] Glad you made it.
-[woman] Yeah.

Lovely to see you.

[baby fusses]

-When's he moving out?
-Tonight.

I lasted six weeks. Erica,
I have no idea how you did 12 years.

Humans are resilient. Mandela did 27.

Yeah, not with Freddy he didn't.

[Eleanor chuckles]

[congregation chattering]

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the love of God and the fellowship
of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

[congregation] And also with you.

-Father, we ask you to bless this water--
-Hey.

Why don't we bring your girlfriend back?
Because he could do her while we're here.

-Can we not?
-Not what?

Be that cliché.

Says the midlife crisis
wearing a friendship bracelet.

-[vicar] …Christ, our Lord, amen.
-[Erica] Amen.

-[Nikki, Jason] Amen.
-Amen.

Freddy and Erica, do you receive
this child as a gift from God?

-Yes.
-Yes.

Do you wish to give thanks to God
and seek his blessing?

-Yes.
-Yes.

Do you acknowledge this day
that God's love is already at work?

Mate, we're not really religious,

so if you wanna just cycle forward
to the water bit, that'd be great.

What name have you chosen for this child?

-Samuel.
-Buster.

-What?
-Buster.

-His name is Samuel.
-Nope, it's not. I changed my mind.

You can't change your mind.
He's named after my grandfather.

-I never liked your grandfather, so…
-[stammers]

[people murmuring]

Together,
the Christian community welcomes…

-Samuel Turner.
-Buster Turner.

Oh, my God.

Okay, guys, I'm-- I'm not sure
this is the ideal place for this.

I'm not naming him Sam.

-I'm not naming him Buster.
-[Erica] Why not?

Because he's not a talking bus
in a children's cartoon.

Yeah, this really does sound
more like a pre-font sort of chat.

What about a little compromise?
What about Stan?

-'Cause that's got letters from each.
-No.

Marlon.

Stan and Marlon?
That's the first two on your list, Jason?

-I don't know. I'm panicking. Um…
-Luke?

Mm, it's just a sound really, isn't it?

John? Just-- Paul? George?
I'm just doing Beatles now.

-Parker.
-No.

-Why not?
-Because he's not a wealthy m*rder*r.

Joh-- I don't-- George.

I'm back on Beatles again, aren't I?
Christ. Sorry.

-What's your name?
-M-- My name?

-Yeah, your name. Yeah.
-Thomas.

-Thomas.
-Ooh. [gasps] Oh, I like that actually.

-Yeah?
-Little Tommy.

-Thomas Turner.
-Mm. [mouths]

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

-[vicar] Great.
-Oh.

Thomas Turner, I baptize you
in the name of the Father,

-and of the Son…
-[Nikki] Aw. [chuckles]

…and of the Holy Spirit.

-Amen.
-[scattered] Amen.

-Amen.
-Namaste.

You can't rename a child out of spite.

Okay, you cheat on your wife,
she might rename a kid or two.

It is the risk that you take.

Actually, Nikki, from an evolutionary
perspective, monogamy is really--

Okay, stop. I'm-- I'm not absolving you
of your sins, okay?

I'm not the women's pope.

Well, I actually have a…

a very interesting article on bonobos--

Freddy, Freddy,
we've got Penny here in five,

and I need this not to be happening, okay?

[Jason groans]
We're never going to find a kid.

-What?
-Ellie's gone.

-You're kidding.
-She only come on the site yesterday.

-What sort of a--
-They go so quickly!

It's like trying
to get Glastonbury tickets.

-This is you.
-What?

You took too long again.

Yeah, but it's difficult choosing
a child from a photograph, isn't it?

You wanna get in there, kick the tires.

-Jase.
-Um, this meeting. Is it gonna be quick?

What, the meeting that decides
all of our hopes and dreams

and defines the rest of our lives?

Yeah, it's just,
I need my stuff from Erica's,

-and I cannot see her right now.
-[scoffs]

Sorry, you want us to get it?

I just know
she's not watering my staghorn fern.

-Seriously, Freddy--
-Okay. All right.

Fine, we'll do it. Can you--
Can you give us a minute, please?

-Thank you.
-Jase.

His middle name is Ivan.

Thomas Ivan Turner.

His initials are "TIT."

Tit, Nikki, tit.

So she did name him after you then,
didn't she?

[chuckles]

I wish you'd back me up a bit.

I don't like it
when you don't dislike things I dislike.

You know how betrayed I felt
when you started liking olives.

Yeah. And I stopped eating them, didn't I?

For you, you little weirdo.

[door buzzes]

-Oh, right. Okay.
-Oh!

Hello? Okay, all right, Penny.
Come up now. Yeah.

-Right.
-Do you think she's gonna tell us off

for not finding a child?

No. It takes a long time
to find the right one, doesn't it.

Look at me. I had hundreds of girlfriends
before I met you, and…

Okay.

That sounded better in your head,
didn't it?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, thought so.

-Come on.
-[exhales]

I just, uh, I don't want this to slip by.

We need something in our lives
that's bigger than us,

something that will outlive us,
carry on after we've gone.

We will, all right?

We have loads of plastic bags
in our kitchen drawer.

[chuckles]

-All right?
-Yeah.

-Ready?
-Mm-hmm.

-Okay.
-[pants]

-Oh. Hi. [pants]
-Hello. [chuckles]

Is there CCTV on this street?

Uh, no, no.
No, I-- I don't think there is, no.

Oh, good, good. That's, uh--

No, that's good. Good, it'll be fine.

-[Jason] Okay.
-Okay.

Anyway, I only have half an hour,

because my sister and her husband are
having a naming party for her new puppy.

[Nikki] Aw.

Six months of marriage therapy,
and that's the best idea they've had.

I said cut to the chase,
call it "last throw of the dice"

'cause that's what it is. Ooh! Tea.

[pants] Anyway, it's gonna be
an absolute slog

because she has gone hard vegan.

-Sugar?
-Oh, no, thank you.

I'm sorry,
but no amount of tofu stir-fries

is going to un-hit that swan
with your car last summer,

so maybe just deal with the guilt head-on,
can we,

and stop burying it under
a lot of spinach triangles.

[Penny sips, swallows]

Oh, long story. He was fine.

It was mainly his fault. He was warned.
Right.

Oh.

Mm. [clears throat]

-[sighs] Gather, please.
-Oh.

-Okay. [chuckles]
-For I have news.

[whispering] I was never here.

This is an illusion.
This is not happening. Okay?

-Okay.
-Yeah, okay.

[loudly] Okay, so, there is a boy.

His name is James.

He is a nice boy.

-[Jason] Oh, look.
-[Nikki] Aw. [chuckles]

I think he's your boy. [breathes shakily]

By means I do not wish to divulge,

I have advanced knowledge
he will be on the system in 24 hours.

I want us to be ready to go for him.

James?

James. James Newman-Ross.

James Newman-Ross.

-"JNR." That's good. That's good.
-[chuckles]

Yeah. [chuckles softly]

Hi, hi. Uh, sorry, sorry.

Um, just to say that
she'll be doing the kids' tea from six,

so absolutely no pressure, but anytime
in the next 45 minutes would be ideal.

Okay?

[inhales]

-Aw, look at his little face.
-I know. Sweet. [chuckles]

So exciting.

How do we know
which of this stuff's Freddy's?

If you can imagine a character
in a Bret Easton Ellis novel owning it,

then it's his.

[items rattling]

-Are you okay?
-Yeah. Fine.

Yeah?

-'Cause you-- you really don't need to be.
-I'm fine.

I have a plan for the new me.
[clears throat]

It's a combination of taking up running,
meditation and screwing other people.

-Oh. Are you dating?
-Yeah. Maybe.

[chuckles]

I don't know. It's a lot of vag*na admin,
isn't it? But I could.

That's it. The car's full.

He can come and
get his bloody staghorn fern later.

-Does that need watering?
-It does, yeah.

[Nikki sighs] I can't believe
we're doing this. Have you got it?

[Jason] Yeah. Yeah.

[Nikki] Why're you wearing all that?

Ran out of bags.

Ah, thanks, Nikki.

Thought I'd lost that.

Oh, my God.
No woman would ever have two blowtorches,

three different sets of things
for cracking lobsters,

but no colander. [stammers]

-[quietly] What do you think of the flat?
-I think it's like one big panic room.

-Horrible, innit?
-Yeah.

So, what do you think?

-Gorgeous, mate.
-So lovely.

-Beautiful, yeah, very--
-Yeah.

'Cause sometimes things
can be too colorful, can't they?

Um, it's distracting.

What are you gonna do
when the kids come over, mate?

'Cause it is quite-- Sort of--

I've ordered some beanbags
off the Internet

and, um, uh, maybe some cushions.

We can sort you out
with cushions, can't we?

We've got 30 or 40 spare ones
in our flat you can have, mate.

-[Freddy] Oh!
-Jase.

Lobster crackers.

[softly] Four sets.

He likes football,
Nerf g*ns and Minecraft.

And his favorite food is
a chicken fajita wrap. [chuckles]

Oh, that makes me feel old.

My favorite food when I was a kid
was fish fingers and beans.

[chuckles] Yeah.

-Oi. What's the matter?
-Hmm?

-Nothing.
-Okay.

Why you being weird then?

I'm not. I'm acting completely normally.

Yeah, but that's what's weird.

Because normally with this sort of stuff,
you'd be all hyper.

-I'm fine.
-What's going on?

[stammers] I d-- I don't wanna say,

because if I tell you,
then that makes me a terrible person,

and not being a terrible person is
the thing that I like most about myself,

so…

[sighs] Okay, I sort of assumed
that we'd be getting a girl.

-Oh. Okay.
-Yeah.

I sort of thought that we decided that.

No, I didn't realize we'd decided that.

No, I thought that you said
that you wanted a girl

because
you wanted to learn how to do the--

What's it? The French plait thing.

Because the guy on the bus looked cool
when he did it.

The guy on the bus did look cool, but--

How have we not discussed this? [scoffs]

So, sor-- Are you--
Are you set on a girl, yeah?

Well, are you set on a boy?

I'm, no-- I-- Look, am I? [stammers]

If I had to choose,
then, maybe selfishly, yeah.

Because, you know, because there's that,

there's that special bond
between father and sons.

Oh, really? How many conversations
do you have with your dad

that aren't about
how to get the TV back to HDMI1?

Actually, loads recently,
because he's just hurt his shoulder.

So now I can ask him about that too.

Jase, I just, I-- I--
I don't understand them.

-Who? Who?
-Their choices.

Men!

All men? Yeah?

Oh, I don't know, you-- [swallows]

You all react weirdly to things, and
you have emotions in all the wrong places.

And you watch films that are basically
an hour and a half of fast driving.

You always like your hair
loads shorter than you should.

What are you talking about?

What am I supposed to do with a boy, Jase?

Seriously. What?
Do-- Do I fill him full of confidence,

or do I take some of it away because
society already fills him with confidence,

so if I do it too, I'm just--
I'm gonna turn him into--

-Into what?
-Freddy!

That is seriously the worst-case scenario?

Do you know, Jase, it's-- [stammers]

It really scares me
that you don't hate him

and what he's done as much as I do.

He's my mate though, Nikki.
What am I gonna do?

-And anyway, women can be dicks.
-Yeah, okay.

-Myra Hindley!
-Yeah.

That rude woman at the post office.

Queen Mary I.

Okay, three women in,
and you're back to the 16th century.

I could name you
five men off tonight's news.

But none of them are four-year-old boys,
are they?

Yeah, no, Jase,
but they were once and then society,

society just came in
and messed them all up.

How can I compete with society, Jase?
It's bloody everywhere.

I mean, we're the only people
that get to pick a gender.

Why would we not pick the best one?

Oh, have this week's rankings
come out already?

Sorry, I must've missed that.
This is a ridiculous conversation!

-Will you get the plates?
-I'm doing it.

Margaret Thatcher.

[scoffs]

Can I ask your advice?

-Are you serious?
-Yeah.

Oh, my God, that is wild.
No one has ever said that to me before.

It's always like,
"Jen, no one asked your opinion.

This is my wedding. Go back to your seat."

Okay, um…

But I will be honest with you, 'kay?
I won't sugarcoat it.

You wouldn't want me to sugarcoat it,
would ya?

Uh, yes, I would.
When have I ever said that?

-Always sugarcoat it.
-Okay, fine. Go.

Well, it's-- it's about boys.

Okay, they look like their worst bio photo
is a good rule of thumb,

and always reply to a below-the-waist nude
within… ten minutes.

[woman] Hello. What can I get you?

Hi. Uh, two falafel wraps,
uh, one with extra pickle. Thank you.

Yeah, no, um, raising them,
not dating them.

-Do you think I could raise a good one?
-Oh.

-Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
-Yeah?

-Oh, 100%.
-Okay.

Just don't let them be fussy eaters.

My friend, Clayton,
only ate toast until he was 12,

and now he's really into S and M.

It's not a coincidence.

Okay, yeah. No, that-- that's a handy tip.

And anyway, you know,
bad parents make interesting people.

Joel's parents divorced when he was nine,

and he's the most interesting person
I know.

I mean, we can talk for hours, like,
even when we're not high. [chuckles]

He does get quite angry at stuff.

Which is wild, 'cause I'm the lowest
maintenance person in the world.

I'm so low-maintenance, I might
still be going out with some people.

Jen, does he sound like
he's the right person for you?

Yeah, no. We're on a break at the moment.
[chuckles]

We couldn't agree what race Ariana Grande
was, and it all just sort of spiraled.

-[woman] There you go, ladies. Enjoy.
-Thank you.

Thank you. [chuckles]

Mm. [inhales]

Basically, just fill them with love,
and it'll be fine. [chuckles]

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. [chuckles]

[chuckles] Oh, but not too much.

'Cause then they get too close
and resent all other women

for not being as good.

It actually happens a lot
with serial K*llers.

Did you see that one in South Korea?
He was really handsome,

which you don't really expect
in a m*rder*r, do you?

No.

Has this helped?

Yeah. Massively.

Cool. [chuckles]

[sighs] Look, are we gonna talk about this

or just keep pretending
you wanna buy sunglasses?

I do maybe wanna buy some sunglasses.

There you go.

I like to have a choice.

Look, who says that our boy is gonna
be boyish anyway?

He might not be.

Gender norms are ingrained, Jase.

Erica bought Lauren a monster truck.

She put it in a dress
and pushes it around in a buggy.

I'm not sure how scientific
some of your arguments are.

So what if a monster truck
wants to wear a dress?

Good luck to him. Her. They.

I wanna be a guide to our child.

I wanna be wise, and offer help
and smooth their path.

How can I do that if I don't know
what it's like to be a boy?

You'd expect me to do that for a girl.

Yeah, because girls
tell you what they're feeling.

-They know how to ask for help.
-Do you? Bollocks.

You just sit on the sofa
hugging a cushion,

sighing louder and louder
until someone asks you what's wrong.

Boys are uncomplicated, okay?

They're just, you know, bosh,
straight lines.

It's like maintaining a bit of machinery.

Bit of a wipe down with a damp cloth
now and then, they're golden.

-Oh, wow, another worrying opinion.
-Oh, hello, mate.

-Hello.
-How are you?

Haven't seen you in ages.
What you been up to?

-No staghorn fern?
-Sorry, come again?

-You didn't bring my staghorn fern.
-No, we couldn't fit it in.

Yeah, well, could you pop back and get it?

-[scoffs, chuckles]
-[chuckles]

-Are you actually being serious?
-Yeah, well, I've had it since uni.

We spent yesterday afternoon
moving all of your stuff.

Not all my stuff,
'cause I am light one staghorn fern.

Wow.

Go and get it yourself then.
We're not your interns, Freddy.

I can't. Me and Erica aren't talking.

We've got lots of stuff on ourselves,
okay?

And to be honest, mate, you're acting
like a bit of a selfish d*ck.

You think I'm selfish?

I once saw you
unplug a café's Christmas lights

-so you could charge your phone.
-Oh, come on! For a quick bump.

There were four people--

Freddy, you're being a d*ck. Okay?

I thought you were a d*ck
when I first met you, but I thought,

"No, it's all right.
Everyone's a d*ck in their 20s."

But then when you were
still a d*ck in your 30s,

I thought, "He's under a lot of pressure.
He's got a new baby."

And let's face it, you know, Erica's not,
you know, warm as toast, is she?

But you are still being a d*ck,

and there comes a point where you're not
acting like a d*ck anymore,

you're just a d*ck.

I'm not the sort of d*ck
who walks away from someone

because he's being a d*ck,
but you do need to be careful, Freddy,

because there are not that many of us left

and you've already thrown one of us away.

Okay?

-Nikki, can you call Erica, please?
-Yeah.

You, follow me.

-Are you two all right?
-Yeah, why?

-You don't need to talk?
-About what?

You just had an argument.

When?

-[chuckles] Look at this.
-What? What?

[both chuckle]

-[Freddy] Uh-oh.
-[chuckles] That looks very sore.

-[Freddy] I know, right?
-[chuckles]

-Oh. Hello, hello.
-Hello.

One staghorn fern.

Thanking you.

-Okay, then.
-Mm-mmm. Hang on. Wait, please.

-What?
-Please.

The kids think
they can get us back together.

No, not back together,
just able to talk, all right?

I'm having enough trouble
getting my own family

without keeping your one functioning too.

Okay, so this is neutral ground.
It's halfway between where you both live.

Well, no, technically the canal
would be exactly halfway between.

I'm assuming no one
wants to go in there, all right?

So in that case,
let's do this on dry land.

-Do what exactly?
-Just sort it out!

Please! Sort it out for--
for, um, Lauren and…

-Thomas.
-Thomas!

[sighs] Okay, fine.

We need to talk about childcare.
You have got to take more responsibility.

-Um, I've been babysitting.
-You have babysat twice,

and anyway, it's not even called that
when they're yours.

-Have you been watering this?
-My God.

I've had this since uni.
I don't want it neglected.

You've had her since uni too
and you've neglected her, so…

That's a fair point, mate, yeah.

It's weird, the love affair
you've got with that plant.

It's not weird. It's special.

It's been there through everything.

[inhales] All right. Fine.

-[Nikki] What are you doing?
-Freddy! What are you playing at?

-What are you doing?
-Freddy!

-No, you are right. It is just a plant.
-You can't just chuck it away!

-Why?
-Because it's part of our family.

But you hate it!

I can hate something
and I can still be sad when I lose it!

Oh, f--

-[Nikki] Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!

-What are you doing, Erica? sh*t!
-[Nikki] Oh!

-Freddy!
-No!

-Ah!
-Okay, come back! Just come back!

I can't. She needs me!

-Don't die, Erica. I'm coming.
-Freddy, I've got it.

-What are you doing?
-Backstroke is my best stroke!

I can't see you.

Help him!

I'm gonna stay here and watch their stuff.

Mate, I'm gonna stay up here
and watch your stuff.

-Okay! Thank you!
-Jason!

What? It's a-- That's a very expensive
jacket. Very expensive jacket.

Where are you? Where are you?
I'm coming. I'm coming. I've got you.

[murmuring]

Oh, my God! [spits]
I swallowed a lot of water.

[grunts] Come on. Oh!

-Oh, my God, there's a boat! Guys!
-[Erica screams]

-There's a boat!
-Oh, my God!

-There's a boat, guys!
-Oh, my God!

Okay, all right! Okay, okay, okay!
Stand up! Stand up, both of you!

Just stand up!

Oh.

-How do?
-Hiya!

-[Jason] Hello, mate.
-You all right? Hi!

[Erica] Okay.
Yeah, that would be really helpful.

[Jason] Look at him. He's like a new man.

-[Nikki] Yeah, thanks to you.
-I dunno.

I just sort of always assumed
that I'd be good in a crisis.

When I was young,
I used to wanna be a fireman.

-Yeah?
-Mm.

-I think you'd make a good fireman.
-Do you think so?

Waiting outside, watching all their stuff
while they're inside fighting fires.

[chuckles]

[Erica] Yeah. Saturday would be great.

Maybe a boy would be good.

Yeah?

I thought the world
turned us all into monsters.

Yeah, it has.

So maybe the world needs one raised by us.

Yeah?

Yeah.

-James Newman-Ross. That is good.
-It is.

Come on.

"Excuse me, Doctor. My son, James,
has got blocked sinuses."

"Hi, I'm James's mum.

I think we might have met
at the school fair." Yeah, I like that.

"James is bloody shoplifting again.
I just can't get through to him."

Okay, well, don't ruin it.

-Still sounds good though.
-[Jason chuckles]

-Cheers. Bye.
-Thanks.

[woman singing]

[song continues]

Go, go, go.

[lid clicks]

[song continues]