02x05 - Maddest Sweetest Thing

[bunniefuu]

-[Jason] Bit of wildlife?
-Yes.

-Have you fast-forwarded?
-Yeah.

-No animals die?
-No.

Okay, good. [sighs]

Gecko maybe.

Oh, no, that's okay.
I can't really warm to geckos.

[man] Descending beneath the waves,
and as the light is starting to fade...

-Aw.
-What?

I just feel sorry for fish.
They always look so cold.

I mean, it's no life, is it?

What's it like having empathy
for every single thing?

Oh, God, Jason,
it is absolutely exhausting.

I can't even look at elephants anymore.

[phone chimes]

Who's that?

-Oh, it's Penny.
-What'd she say?

She's gonna pop by tomorrow.
She's got some news.

[cell phone rings]

-She didn't say what?
-No.

[stammers, sighs]

Hello, Mum. You all right?

He won't try anything new,
so I'm going on my own.

Spain, Jason, Spain!
She's gonna get herself k*lled!

It's a walking holiday in Alicante, Dad.
No one's getting k*lled.

I wanna have experiences!
I wanna live an impulsive life!

I wanna eat a bull's testicle
and flamenco!

-[Vic] Your mum's gone mad, Jason.
-[mouths] Bull's testicle?

-Don't know.
-Did I tell you about vanilla essence?

Oh, for God's sake.

There's vanilla essence in the cupboard.
Nine years old, barely used.

If I bake at the current rate,
I'll die before it's empty.

Outlived by vanilla essence!

Okay, fine!

I'm happy to consider more decking
in the back garden!

Not decking, Vic. I'm sick of decking.

You can't keep throwing decking
at the problem.

And she's gone.

You know, it won't k*ll us
to be a bit more impulsive.

[clicks tongue]

You are so stupid.

Yeah, you just pick up the car
outside terminal 4.

Yeah, no, I know. I get confused
in arrivals and departures too.

'Cause, you know,
I'm arriving at the airport. [chuckles]

Aw, thanks. I think you're
a really unique person too. [chuckles]

Okay, bye. Enjoy your car.

-Hey. You know Richard's leaving?
-Really?

Are you gonna go for his job?

Jen. [chuckles]
They're never gonna let me be a manager.

Why do you think they're better than us?

All right, Richard drives a Volvo estate.
They're not astronauts.

Honestly, mmm. It's not for me.

[sighs]

[Jen] Hello. Thanks for waiting.

Uh, yeah, you were just in a queue, so...

[chuckles] Right, I mean,
I think if you hate queues this much,

-cars may not be for you.
-[chuckles]

[chattering]

-Hi, Raina.
-Hi.

-Who's that?
-My auntie.

Hey, guys. How are you?

So is your dad not picking you up anymore?

No.

-[sighs] Maybe drop-offs?
-No, he has a new job.

Well, sometimes daddies have to work.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love us.
I mean, you.

Doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Okay, okay, off you go.

Auntie Sashi!

Hey! Oh.

[chuckles] Say bye.

[Raina] Bye.

[door locks]

Jason?

Your bathroom needed retiling.

Oh. Okay.

Thank you. [breathes heavily]

-Hiya.
-Jase.

-What?
-Why is your dad retiling our bathroom?

-Is he okay?
-Listen, don't rock the boat.

Those are the sorts of questions we can
get into once we have a retiled bathroom.

-[doorbell buzzes]
-Oh, no, I'm nervous.

Oh, I know, I know.

-Okay, all right. I'm gonna get that.
-Okay, yeah.

[Nikki] Hello, Penny.

-Do you wanna come in?
-Yes, please.

[Nikki speaks indistinctly]

[door closes]

[Vic] Your carpet trim needs doing now.
I'm never getting away!

Sorry. My mum's away. I think he's lonely.

Yeah. [chuckles]

So, what's going on?

Right, uh, we don't have much time.
[stammers]

Can I be blunt? Don't answer that.
We don't have the time.

I'm going to be blunt.

The local authority are now considering
another family for Princess.

-Oh.
-Oh.

Why?

Well, an opportunity has arisen to place
Princess and her brother together,

and they would love to keep these children
together if at all possible.

And, look, I know it's hard,
but I would urge you, if you can,

to look inside yourselves and summon
the courage to see this as good news,

-because it-- it is, for them.
-[sighs]

I mean, it's not-- It's not hard, is it?
I mean, we saw 'em together.

-It's not-- It's not hard, but... [sighs]
-I mean... [chuckles] ...it's a bit hard.

Mmm.

[Penny] I know.

[clicks tongue, chuckles]
Could we not take them both?

Oh. Taking two children,
that's a mammoth undertaking.

And I should know. I have brought up two
happy, friendly, well-adjusted children...

out of four.

We-- We could do it. I know we could.

Not to mention
there's a question of space.

Ah, we have space. Penny!
We have-- We have space.

-[Jason] Do we?
-Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, Penny, it's bigger than it looks.
It's just-- It's just messy.

They usually require each child
to have their own room.

-Jason, help me pick some of this up.
-What's under there? A third bedroom?

Oh! Maybe they could sleep in our bed.

We could have the sofa.

-We sleep on the sofa quite a lot.
-See?

As convincing as all these plans sound,
listen, we have to let this play out.

This is a process.

Ebb and flow,
and we are in the ebbiest of ebbs.

You must just stay strong.

Lean on each other, and I will call
as soon as we know the decision.

Is there anyone who can support you
over the next few weeks?

Someone who'd understand?

-Where's your angle driver?
-[Jason] I haven't got an angle driver.

How can you not have an angle driver?

I suppose I can make do
with your diamond core drill.

I haven't got one of those either.

You're not using an SDS drill
for masonry work, are ya?

Who do you think I am, Dad?

Sorry. Vic, can you--
Can you give us a minute, please?

What's the matter?

They found someone that can take
both Princess and her brother.

-Why don't you take 'em?
-Each child has to have their own room.

Why? I never did. Never have.

I had a brother, and then I got married.

What's rooms got to do with it?

The queen's got hundreds of rooms.
Look at her kids.

-All simpletons and perverts.
-Dad, can we have a minute?

-Thick as mince, the lot of 'em.
-Please, Dad. Just... Thank you.

Would he be spending a lot of time
with the children, or...

Not unsupervised, no. No.

No,
it's good that they get to stay together.

[inhales] We want what's best for them.

-Don't we?
-Yeah. Yeah.

I will call you
as soon as we know the decision.

Thanks, Penny.

Can we just give them a bit of space?

It's all right. It's all right. Hey.

Come on.

We just keep going.

-All right? We just keep going.
-[sighs] I'm so tired.

So, why aren't you in Spain, then?

Not for me.

Okay. [sighs]

-She doesn't want me there.
-Did she invite you?

She's changed a bit.

Yeah, they do that, people.

She wants to dance the flamenco.

Can you see me doing that?

[inhales] Now you listen to me.

All I had to show for being 60
was an addiction to antique gravy boats,

a husband gayer than Adele's entourage

and a sharp, sh**ting pain
when I look to the left.

Four years later, I have slept with
two members of the shadow cabinet,

and I'm not done yet.

Had cancer, beaten cancer,

regained full neck rotation,
learned Korean...

[speaks Korean]

...and saved over 30 kids
from at-risk homes

because I am the best bloody
child and families social worker

in North East London.

No one's laminated my life story yet,
nor yours.

The next time I see you,
you'd better have something pierced.

Either that
or a shirt with some color in it.

[sighs]

-Okay.
-Oh, my goodness!

What is the one thing that we need
to be able to take these kids?

Money, experience, preparation,
approval from social services--

Exactly. Another bedroom.

So, why don't we just rent somewhere
with three bedrooms?

-With whose money, Nik?
-Mine.

There's a management position
opening at work. I'm gonna go for it.

I thought you said
you were happy where you were.

Nope. It's time to make a move.
I need to take control of my life,

and I need to stop relying
on other people all of the time.

-[sighs]
-[spits]

-Can I borrow your laptop?
-Go on then.

Oh, "Operation Rent A Bigger Flat"
starts here.

You know you don't call the operation
the actual thing you're doing.

What?

Well, it needs a code name.
Otherwise, what's the point?

-What you talking about?
-Operation Valkyrie wasn't called,

"Operation
Let's Secretly k*ll Adolf Hitler," was it?

Oh, God, Jase. You're really taking
all the fun out of this, aren't you?

-[exhales]
-[sighs]

Oh, bloody hell. Three grand a month?

Oh, my God.

I hit rock bottom, Nikki.

I got so drunk on Monday,

-I went home with a zone five.
-[gasps]

It has got to stop.
I am not yet the best I can be.

-Your hair is amazing.
-Thanks, I needed it.

I was carrying a lot of trauma
in my fringe.

[chuckles]

Also, I decided...

I'm going for the promotion. [chuckles]

Oh, okay.

I cannot still be sat here answering
phones in this job in my 30s, Nikki.

-I'd k*ll myself.
-Yeah.

And management get flexi-hours.

I could finally get out of this crazy
ten-to-four grind.

Jen, you know they're not the hours
that we're actually supposed to--

Plus, I forgot my phone yesterday.

So I had to work, and you know what?

I didn't totally hate it.

I thought
if you're not going for it, then--

Okay, yeah, um... [smacks lips]

The thing is, I... [chuckles]

I actually thought
that I might go for it too.

-Really?
-Yeah, is-- is that okay?

Oh, my God, of course!

Turns out we need a bigger flat or
we're not gonna get the kids that we want.

Also, you get a personal laptop.

So you can look at porn
without having to disable the IP address.

-Yeah, and there's that.
-Mmm.

Hello. Vista Car Rental,
Jennifer speaking. How may I help you?

[Karen]
Thanks for coming in at short notice.

I just think
we have a real talent on our hands.

What is it? A hippo?

No, it's a house.

Oh. Okay. [inhales] Okay.

So is this all you wanted?

I mean, I left work early, so, um--

Well, the school doesn't see
this kind of talent very often.

I mean,
we did have a county shot-putter once,

but that was largely a thyroid issue, and,
uh, she left under a cloud anyway, so.

No, I mean, this is a fish she's done.

She's got real movement in the hair.

Isn't that where she just leant on it?

And all the teachers love her.

Mainly because she doesn't really
say much, but that's a gift in itself.

And...
her face is always spotless after lunch.

-Well, she's obviously a talent.
-Mm-hmm.

Maybe we should meet up
and put a plan together.

For the talent nurturing.

Sure. Yes.

Drink tomorrow?

We can meet
at The Camden Assembly at 6:00.

Right, okay. Yes.

-See you there.
-See you there.

Oh. Thank you.

Even if you get your new promotion,
we can't afford any of these. Look.

Can you not look further out of London?

I've gone down as far as Brighton.
Nothing.

-Well, go further.
-Well, you can't.

Why?

'Cause that's the sea.

Then France.

Then it starts getting
more expensive again.

[groans]

How's your Albanian?

[typing]

Oh! [pants]

Hello, Vic.

Socket needed rewiring.

Right.
I thought Jason said he'd fixed that.

-We have different standards.
-Ah.

New shirt?

Uh, yeah.

Very nice. Snazzy. [chuckles]

Got my job interview today.

They got rid of lever arch files,
and the world went to sh*t.

Yeah.

-Sorry about that.
-Not your fault.

Right. Have a nice day.

Oh, my God. He's here. Again.

He's got a couple of things
to take care of, then he's gonna go.

-He won't be long.
-He's left stuff in the freezer.

And tins. Look.

Oh, my God. What is happening
to this flat? [breathes heavily]

Where are my keys? [stammers]
Oh! [chuckles]

Oh, good luck with
"Operation Nikki Gets a Promotion Day."

-See? It's clearer, isn't it?
-Oh-- Oh, God, yeah.

Don't forget we've got a viewing
on that Mayfield Street place at 6:00.

-Okay. It's definitely three bedrooms?
-[Jason] Yeah.

-How is that in our budget?
-Dunno. Maybe it's a m*rder house.

Fine. It'll have been deep cleaned then,
won't it? Okay.

-I love you.
-I love you.

Listen, good luck, all right?

-[groans]
-You're gonna be great.

-Bye, Vic.
-See ya.

[door opens, closes]

All right, I'm gonna finish this,
then sh**t off.

-All right.
-I've got other things to do, you know?

You know you can just pop over
and say hello, you know?

And have a chat. Y-you haven't--

What about?

Well, I don't know. General chat.

-You all right, then?
-Yeah. Yeah.

-You?
-Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, would you mind
having a look at the toaster?

-It's not catching or something.
-That'll be a latch release.

-Ah. Is that what it is?
-Yeah. Probably.

-You heard from your mum then?
-No.

She's only been gone, what, two--

-Nearly three days.
-Okay.

Why don't you give her a call? Huh?

Nah. It's been a blessing, the quiet.

-All right. I'll leave you to it.
-She says she regrets her life.

But I've been her whole life.

I don't think she regrets
the things that she's done.

I think that she regrets the things
that she hasn't done. You know?

It's about adding things, innit?
Not taking away, you know?

I think-- I think you need to, um,
you need someone who adds things.

-Do I?
-Yeah.

Yeah. I think-- I think it's good for you.
I think it helps you grow and all that.

It's fun, innit, you know?

Watching someone grow. Change.

'Cause you never know
what they're gonna turn into.

[metal clinks]

All right then, mate.

I started here five years ago
as a lowly customer service assistant.

You're still a customer service assistant.

That's correct.

And that gives me a unique insight.
Uh, let me give you an example.

Who do we rent cars to? Drivers.

What do drivers want? Cars.

And what do they not have
when they call us? Cars.

[chuckles] So how are they getting here?

Do you know how many people
have decided not to hire a car with us

when I've told them we don't pick them up
or drop them off? Loads.

So much business, lost.
Literally thousands of pounds.

-So, the first thing that I would do if--
-Wait. We do pick customers up.

-What?
-We offer pickups and drop-offs.

We rolled that out about 18 months ago.
Have you... [chuckles]

Have you not been telling people
that we do that?

Um... [inhales]

How'd it go?

-Really well. [chuckles]
-Yay. [chuckles]

It was tough,
but I managed to convince them. [chuckles]

What, to give you the job?

No, to keep my current one.

[chuckles] It was touch and go
for a while.

[smacks lips] I think my luck is changing.

This could be the start
of something really good for me.

[chuckles]

Hello. Vista Car Rental, Jen speaking.
How may I help you?

All right, let's start. This is Lucy from
the Reading branch, and Debbie's from HR.

She has to be here
because of Weinstein and that.

We'll just let you
make yourself comfortable.

She's fine. We're all fine.

Okay. Why don't you start by telling us
why you'd like a move into management?

Yes.
Well, um, as a customer sales executive,

I have extensive sales experience,

an intimate knowledge of the business,

a-- a good relationship
with existing clients.

Um, I-I work well as-- as a team,

but, um, you know, also
as a-- as-- as an individual. [chuckles]

[chuckles] Sorry.

Oh, my God.
No, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Um... [breathes deeply]

I-- I hate all that. I'm just--

I'm just gonna talk normally.

I'm not a customer sales executive.
I work on the phones.

There's nothing wrong with that,

but I've--
I've got some really good ideas, Terry.

And no, I-- I've not much
management experience,

but Richard has an MBA, and his
computer's been on for five straight years

because
he doesn't know how to log back in. So...

You know, I mean,
where has that got you? [chuckles]

Right. First, we've got to--

We've got to change the--
the hall music, Terry.

E-everyone's complaining about it.

Why don't we provide car seats
for children

and do pickups on a Sunday evening?

Stop being horrible to our customers.
Just let scratches go.

Stop cheating people on the extra cover.

Oh, and d-do not--
Do not launch a promotion on a Monday,

'cause half the sales are 23,
and they're off with hangovers.

You don't know stuff like this

unless you've been out there
for eight years, Terry.

What's your view
on the sustainability report?

Have you got the, uh... [inhales]

-Where's the... [sighs]
-It's in the shared folder on the G drive.

What?

-On the desktop.
-Right.

-No. Uh, on your computer.
-Jeez. [sighs]

God. They got rid of lever arch files,
and the world went to sh*t. [chuckles]

-[snaps] Yes. Thank you. [chuckles]
-Yeah.

Did they say when you might hear?

Oh, ages. Honestly, Jase,
I'm just glad I didn't embarrass myself.

[sighs] It's not very "us"
around here, is it, Nik?

-I mean, it's a bit coconut latte-ey.
-Mmm.

I looked it up,
and no one's been stabbed here since 2016.

I mean, that's just weird.
You want a stabbin' every six months.

Otherwise, the house prices spiral.

No, I love it. Camden's so grubby.

I'd love our kids
to be able to walk to school

without being offered weed
or knockoff trainers.

-You talking about Sneaky Steve?
-Yes.

That guy's a legend. He can get you
literally any shoe you want.

Yeah, but where is he getting them from?
That's my question.

'Cause they're not new.

-My Reebok Classic had a sock in it.
-[chuckles]

And our flat's literally falling apart.

-God, it is nice, isn't it?
-Yeah.

[sighs]

-Hello, mate.
-Hello.

-Hello.
-Nikki.

-Yes, Nikki. Yes.
-Jason. What's your name?

-Toby.
-Hello, Toby. How are ya?

-Hello.
-Hiya.

-I-- I'm not coming.
-What?

-I'm not coming.
-But you're here.

Yeah. [chuckles]
But just to tell you I'm not coming.

-Okay.
-Uh, I'm here physically but not morally.

Okay.

Because we're not gonna talk about Raina,
are we?

I mean, we both know.

I-- I've spoken 50 words to you.

I don't even know you.
I don't even know why I'm here.

Well, I didn't think you were.

And they were nice words.

Yeah. I'm gonna go.

-Okay.
-Okay.

See you.

Yeah, I'm definitely going.

-So, um, where are you guys?
-Uh, Camden.

-Camden way, yeah.
-Yeah. It's nice, but, you know.

Yeah. I mean, it's, uh, supposed to be
up-and-coming, isn't it?

But there's still only one bank
and about 12 places to buy a bong.

-Right, yeah. [chuckles]
-[scoffs]

-[mutters]
-Oh, this is lovely.

Wow.

Um, as you can see,
nearly an en-suite, which is good.

And, um, good storage.
And, uh, the garden's south-facing.

-[gasps] Oh, wow. [chuckles]
-[sighs]

Do you guys have a garden yourselves?

No, no. We did have a window box, though.

-But it, uh, it got away from us.
-Mmm.

Okay.
I'll let you guys have a look around.

-All right, mate.
-Make yourselves at home.

-[Jason] Nice one. Thanks very much.
-Thank you.

Oh, my God.

[chuckles]

Oh. Bloody hell. [chuckles]

-We love it. [chuckles]
-It sounds terrific, doesn't it?

Amazing. Um, well,
we're looking to move out as soon as.

-So, I-- I'll let the estate agent know.
-All right. Fantastic.

Perfect. You can meet the others.

-The others?
-What you mean?

-Yo.
-Hey, how you?

-Hello. Hi.
-You all right?

This is Nikki and Jason.
They are taking the room.

The room?

-Yay! Yes, come. Come live with us.
-Oh.

-It's really nice.
-"The room."

Apart from the lock on the downstairs
bathroom doesn't work.

I didn't know it was just a room.

So you just have to sing
while you're in there.

-Cheers, mate. We'll be in touch.
-Yeah.

-Thank you.
-Yeah, speak soon.

-Yeah, bye.
-Yeah, lovely. See ya.

Why didn't you read the whole advert?

I saw the word "beautiful"
and jumped straight to the pictures.

Just like everyone else does.

Toby. I mean, what sort of name is Toby?
Of all the names you could pick. Toby?

-I stole a guava.
-What? Why?

-Because he slagged off Camden.
-You slagged off Camden.

Yes, I'm allowed to slag off Camden.
It's where I live.

Okay.

-Need any gear, guys?
-No, thanks.

But th-- thank you for asking.

All right, guys. Fancy new trainers?

Read the room, Steve.

[man] Any gear, guys?

Yes, bro. Yeah, new kicks, new kicks.

[sighs]

[sighs]

It's not the same, is it?

No.

It's better.

It's a home.

[sighs]

Jason?

-Oh, my-- What?
-[chuckles]

-What-- What's he gone and done?
-He's made a third bedroom.

-Jason, this is unbelievable.
-[exhales]

-Oh, look. Nikki, Nikki, look.
-Yeah?

He's got some little handles for the--
for their little hands.

Stop it.

This is the maddest...

[smacks lips] ...and the sweetest thing.

-Is it even possible? Um--
-Well, I dunno. [chuckles]

It's a three-bedroom flat.
[chuckles] Kind of.

-What's the landlord gonna have to s--
-Ah, let's not, let's not.

Let's just enjoy it for tonight, Jase.

-[chuckles]
-[chuckles] My God.

[breathing heavily]

Oh.