03x01 - Home

[bunniefuu]

- Hello.
- Hello.

Mum, listen, I...

I know we asked you to give us some space,
and thank you so much for respecting that,

but, we don't have any proper food.

And I was just wondering
if you'd be able to make us something?

Yeah, of course we can.

Maybe a shepherd's pie and a casserole?
And maybe a trifle?

- Yeah, great. Is that okay?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Love you.

Okay. All right. Thank you. Love you. Bye.

- That was quick.
- Well, we were just passing.

- There's the shepherd's pie.
- Oh, Mum.

I didn't know if they were vegan,
so I did a vegan option.

- Right. Is it...
- Just some potato, yeah.

Yay.

Lovely.

Thank you so much.
Honestly, this is plenty though.

- You don't need to do any more.
- Okay.

I mean it, Mom. I know what you're like.

And we brought you some books

for the kids.
I used to read them when I was little.

- We crossed out all the r*cist bits.
- Right.

Okay.

- Okay.
- So, all okay?

How was your first night?

Yeah, great. But we don't know
what's happening yet though, so...

I wanted to give you something special.

My mum's mum gave it to her,
my mum gave it to me,

and now I want you to have it.

It's a...

Oh, no.

I must have left it at the services.

Okay.

What's all this?

What... Well,
I'm just... I'm childproofing it.

Oh, yeah? Okay.

So, any news?

Someone called Noah's gonna be ringing.

Apparently, it's been kicked up to him.

Okay. All right.

- Jase?
- Yeah?

I really wanna keep him.

- Nikki.
- I mean it. I've thought it all through.

- Oh, yeah? Have you?
- Yeah.

All right. What's the plan?

Well, we keep him and it...
Well, it just all works out.

- Right, okay. All bases covered then.
- Maybe they'll just forget he's here.

What? It's the council.

Jase, when I was a kid,
they left a fridge in a park

for four-and-a-half years
before anyone collected it.

It ended up on the maps.

No one's forgetting about this fridge.

- Hi.
- Bloody hell.

That's gonna take getting used to.
It's like the flipping Shining.

- Hiya.
- Hello.

- Do you wanna stick on the telly?
- Do you watch the telly?

- Maybe we should make some breakfast.
- Yeah.

- I'll unwrap the cooker.
- Okay.

No, thank you very much. Okay, bye-bye.

That was quick.

Well, there wasn't a lot of discussion.

They're coming to get him.

Right.

But did you tell them
that we wanna keep him?

- It doesn't work like that, apparently.
- Did you argue with them?

- As much as I could.
- No, but we're doing fine.

- It's only been one night.
- It's better than they did.

They had him for one night,
and they lost him.

- They wanna stay together.
- I know.

What time are they coming?

Lunchtime.

I hope that you told them
that in this house

we eat lunch at ten o'clock at night.

On Thursday.

I made a bed.

- What? Why?
- Two kids, you need two beds.

Hang on, you made a bed
before eight in the morning?

No, I made two.

But I looked at the first one,
and I knew I had a better one in me.

How'd you even make a bed?

I don't understand the question.

- Well, do you want the bed or not?
- Yeah.

I've got it.

- Don't put your back out.
- No, it's already out.

- Got it?
- Yeah.

Your mum will be around in a bit.

She's doing a fun run she couldn't cancel.

If you talk to her,
I was limping quite badly. All right?

All right, mate. He's made us a bed. Look.

- It's eight in the morning.
- Yeah. We've done all that.

It's the middle of the day.

Well, we don't need it.
They're taking him back.

- Why?
- Well…

We don't have the experience, apparently.

Well, is there nothing you can do?

- Apparently not.
- No. Hiya.

- What are we doing now?
- Do you w...

- Do you wanna go and get dressed?
- Okay.

- Then we can go out for the day.
- Good girl.

Okay, well, what's the plan?

Well, we just have as nice a morning
as we can. That's all we can do, isn't it?

How... Jase, how is that all we can do?

Because that's reality, isn't it?

At the moment, we live in the gap

between the way things are
and the way things should be,

so in the meantime,

all we can do is try
and make that space as lovely as we can.

Well, someone really needs to
look into closing that gap.

If we can only be his parents for one day,
then let's make it count.

Let's prepare him, huh?

'Cause he's not leaving the house
in a bloody Ramones T-shirt.

That's my favorite one.

Stop it.

It's all right.

Let's just try
and give him the best morning we can.

Unbelievable.

Dad, you all right?

I'm not having it.

Dad?

What's the matter? You all right?

The bloody council.
I've had it up to here.

They come for the twice-weekly
rubbish collection, I say nothing.

Then they come for the free
residents' parking. I say nothing.

But I draw the line
when they come for him.

Well, there's nothing we can do, is there?

It's all layers now.

- Safeguarding, best practices, all that.
- Oh, for God's sake.

This is the reason there's
no overtaking in Formula 1 anymore.

Hard to say, but okay.

Is anything any better

for all the best practicing
and safeguarding?

Is anyone any happier?
Is anyone any safer?

I don't know. I did use to play with
the mercury from a thermometer

- when I was a kid.
- Only as a treat. Not every day.

Look, don't do anything stupid.

This is the council.
They know where you live.

Maybe they can tell the people

that are supposed to be coming
for my bins.

Look.

You don't get to pick your parents,
and you don't get to pick your kids.

But somehow, you've picked him,
and he's picked you back.

If I'm gonna be his parent for one day,

then I don't wanna waste it
arguing on the phone.

I wanna spend it being his dad.

I just gotta make the best of things.

I'm sick of making the best of things.
I'm sick of giving in.

All right. Just don't do anything stupid.

Don't forget your limp.

- Other leg.
- Yeah, all right.

Have you seen my holiday fedora, my love?

No.

And you should not have so many fedoras
that you need prefixes.

The ideal number is zero fedoras.

Hi. It's me, Vic.

Vic Ross. Jason's dad.

Yeah. I know who you are, Vic.
What's happened?

Are you busy? I need your help.

And I found this hidden in your hedge.
I don't know why.

- Well, come in.
- Thanks.

So, where are we going then?

Well, we need to get him a proper coat.
And a wash bag.

I don't wanna go shopping, Nik.

Fine, you can stay
in the food court while I go.

But honestly, this has got to stop.
You're a grown man.

I mean I don't wanna go shopping now.
I don't wanna waste this time.

Yeah.

Well, what should we do?

I don't know. What do you do
if you wanna have fun really quickly?

It's just hard, isn't it,
'cause they can't drink.

That's it. That is the go-to, isn't it?

Okay. Right. Okay.

I'm just gonna say it

so it's out of my head
and I can get past it.

Swim with dolphins.

I know it's wrong.

I don't have my swimming costume with me,
and there are no dolphins in North London.

Both good points,
arguably in the wrong order, but...

So, what's the closest thing
to swimming with dolphins,

in North London,
that we can do in an hour and a half?

What?

Okay, so…

Hang on, we haven't got much time,
so let's prioritize.

We'll leave the giraffes
'cause we can just see them from outside.

- So, I'm thinking elephants and gorillas.
- Yep. Australian wood duck.

- What?
- I like to see the less popular ones.

They'll be so surprised to see us.

What's your favorite animals?

- Cat.
- Dinosaur.

Okay. Well, that's an excellent use
of a hundred quid. Come on.

All right, look.

Jase.

Oh, yeah.

Check out the lion. Look. Careful.

That lion is the biggest one.

- Gorgeous. Look.
- Oh, my God.

Look at that one in there.

Oh, God. What's happened?

- Jilly, get your coat. We got to go out.
- Why?

- Something about a gap needing closing.
- But I'm mid-peel on the spuds.

Never mind the spuds, girl,
this is an emergency.

I will just cover them up though.
They are Jersey Royals.

Don't want to attract burglars.

Do you think they're having fun?

Well, it's hard to tell.

- I'm talking about the kids.
- I know.

Can we watch when they feed them?

- Oh, no. We have to leave by then.
- Please.

I'm so sorry. We can't.

They said no.

I'll go and see if I can find someone
to do it earlier. All right?

Oh, my God.

Tyler, look at that one.

- Jase, we're gonna get in trouble.
- No, it's fine. I got the jacket.

This answers questions
before they're asked.

Bit like an amp at a festival.

Stick one under your arm,
you can go anywhere you like.

No, don't tell him that.

I've only got a few hours
to tell him everything I know.

That seems plenty.

Right. Let's have a look. Look, kids.

Did you know, penguins, they give
small rocks to each other as presents?

Why?

I don't know.

Maybe they don't know
how to say "I love you" yet,

so that's just what they do.

- Do you look after the penguins?
- Yes, mate. Yeah.

So, what sort of penguins are these?

These? These ones here?

These are your classic penguins.
Your original. Standard ones.

Oh, right. And what sort
of other penguins are there, then?

- Emperor.
- The one that everyone knows?

Viscount…

Earl, Baron and Dame.

How big do they grow?

Regular, large, and then you got
your extra-large at the top.

How long do they live for?

All right, mate, keep it light.
Just a bit of fun.

Tell you what, we should go.
The penguins are tired.

They're jet-lagged.
Still on southern hemisphere time.

Come on, kids. Sorry. Thank you.

Okay, everyone.
Welcome to the Charity Five for Life 5K.

Get yourselves lined up.

I don't think I can do this.

On your marks.

Get set.

Wait! Wait, sorry.

Wait, don't go.

Vic?

It's Jason and Nikki. They need us.

Morning.

Okay, I need to tell you something,
man to man.

Now, we don't have much time together,
so listen up.

If ever you grow a mustache,
grow the whole beard as well.

- Never just the mustache. Okay?
- Okay.

That is the sort of thing
people never tell you.

- Thanks.
- It's all right. Got more if you want.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I know this must be so tough for you
but no matter how it feels,

nothing is as good or as bad
as it seems at first.

Most things just turn into okay.

Is that useful? I don't know.

Do you want some more bad advice?

Yeah? Okay.

Never wear white socks
past the age of twelve,

and I'm afraid there is no leeway
on that whatsoever.

Never trust a therapist
who has housemates.

Only talk to yourself the way
you'd talk to a friend that you love.

All the buttons on a microwave
do exactly the same thing,

so don't waste your time. Press anything.

And tidy your house
before you go on holiday.

You'll forget you've done it,
and it's so nice when you get back home.

Only wear a football shirt on match day.
Otherwise, it's weird.

Do you like football?

I support Spurs. Who do you support?

- Yeah, Spurs.
- Yeah?

Go on.

Never order seafood from a menu
with a spelling mistake on it.

Don't go food shopping when you're hungry
or date when you're lonely.

You'll just end up bringing home
something you don't need.

Only start singing the well-known bit
of a song if you know the rest.

Otherwise, you'll look silly.

Always give a roast chicken
an extra 20 minutes.

Oh, yes. Learn how to meditate.

What's that?

It's something young people do
instead of going to church.

You basically wanna be more fish
and less meerkat.

Fish have terrible memories,
they live in the moment, they're chilled.

Meerkats are worriers.

I think you're a little bit meerkat.

They're always on the lookout for danger.

Even now, when they're in the zoo,
when they're somewhere safe.

It's hard to convince them
to let other people look out for them.

Come here.

And…

be bold, mate.

If someone from the future doesn't
come back to tell you to stop doing it,

then how badly could it have gone?
You know?

Come on, then.

- That was all right, wasn't it?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, and I passed on a lot of my wisdom.
- Oh, God.

I'm just pleased we got outta there
without having to explain sex to anyone.

Do you think he knows we care?

- I was going to get the orange, but…
- I think so. Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Come on, then.
Noah's gonna be there soon,

and we still need to buy some things
for Tyler.

What flavor did we go for again?

I got black currant.

- Black currant.
- Yeah, snaps.

Hello.

Shut up!

Shush!

You busy?

I suppose I can move some stuff around.

One, two, three!

My arm.

- One, two, three!
- …two, three!

One more big one,

over the clouds! Yeah!

All right, let's get in.

You're a bit big for that.
You too big for that?

- Can I have one?
- Yeah.

- Can I have two?
- Yeah.

- Three? I'll have four.
- Jase?

Yeah?

- You said we were gonna fix this.
- What?

We had a lot going on, Nikki.

What?

What is going on?

What's happening?

Show of force.

When something's not right,
it's not right.

- Vic.
- Mate.

Oh, God.

What's Terry doing here?

Well, Jen was busy. We needed numbers.

That's fine, it's just a bit awkward.
I called in sick for work.

S...

What?

Are you ready?

Okay, quick lesson.
Let's turn this thing on…

- I've got Tyler some pajamas.
- Ready?

They might be a bit big for him.

And I brought some of the

left-over wedding canapés.
I didn't know how many people would come.

What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be on your honeymoon.

Yes, but apparently there's some guy
doesn't think my sister's amazing.

I can't have that stand.

And Scott was in charge of the honeymoon,

so if we miss it,
it's not the end of the world.

Come here. I love you.

Yeah. All right.

Ready? Go.

Our honeymoon, I was saying.
Yes, it's very exciting actually.

A tour of the Baroque libraries
of Stuttgart.

Thank you for asking.

Actually some of the finest examples
outside the Iberian Peninsula.

What does "Baroque" mean?

So, how old are you?

What's your favorite architect?

Yay.

Not you and all, Mum?

It's just a few bits.

I'm clearing out a spare room anyway.

Making a meditation room.

Well,
I'm putting in a foot spa and a telly.

- Thanks, Mum.
- A bit more food.

Oh, Dad.

- Bloody hell.
- We welcome feedback.

But I'll be honest,
we won't do anything differently.

- Right.
- And we found it,

the thing we were gonna give you.

I mean, it's a bit silly,
but it was always a real comfort to me.

Mum.

What do you think, Jase?
I mean, I don't know.

How is this gonna look?

Well, this is what love looks like.

That's Noah.

So, you're the man
trying to take away my grandson.

We are resettling Tyler
if that's what you mean.

They haven't been approved for two.
They lack the support and experience.

There's 200 years' worth
of experience here.

These people won't be around
for every second of every crisis.

You don't know my family very well,
do you?

Well, get used to 'em,

because we'll be outside your office
every day till you bring him back.

Don't mess with the grandparents.

We've not got jobs,
and we sleep three hours a night.

That one is not on us.
I don't know what happened there.

- All right. That's...
- This is my son.

He's the best of me.

And if his son is the improvement on him
that he is on me,

then he'll do wonders.

Look, I like a party
as much as the next man,

but this is not how decisions are made.

Okay, shall we pop inside,
get your things?

Come on.

- Arancini ball?
- No, thank you.

- So, had a busy day?
- Yeah.

What did you do?

We went to the zoo,
and Jason taught me things.

"Never buy the first round,
because some people leave early."

And then we came home.

If you think taking these children away is
the hardest thing I do,

then you've not been there
when they get given back.

- No, we wouldn't give them...
- It gets harder than this.

- This is the honeymoon period.
- Noah, we're ready.

In 12 weeks,
you'll need to go before the judge

and convince them you can handle this.

Think very carefully.
You need to be sure about this.

We can keep him?

Twelve weeks to become a family.

We've done harder things.

I mean, nothing springs to mind,
to be fair.

But...

Hey, Nikki.

Hey, listen…

I'm gonna quit my job.

And I'm gonna stay at home,
and I'm gonna look after them.

Okay? 'Cause, well, I hate my job,
and you love yours.

It just... It makes sense.

Look at them both, like angels.

What the hell have we done?

We closed the gap for a bit, that's all.