01x06 - My Fair Aladdin

[bunniefuu]

The last of the wood…

But, But we will freeze!
We must have fire!

All art is a revolt against man's fate.

Perhaps. Although I
adore art, I prefer nature.

Mm, nature itself is
but art, unknown to thee.

Huh?
- The perfection of art is to conceal art.

Who am I to carry on? I of course am
not an artist, but a humble businessman.

Ah, but then the business
of Agrabah is business!

That's right, Daru. It's
merchants such as yourself

who have made
Agrabah so prosperous.

Um, I'm an adventurer, you know!

Just the other week I fought
a giant dancing rhinoceros!

Fascinating, whatever did you do?

It was him or me!

I drew my sword. We fought!

Ah!

Ha! Thrust!

Whoops.

My word!

Abu, water!

Uh, gee, sorry about that!

Oh…

I'm sure the world is a safer
place thanks to your… heroics.

Oh, it's okay…

Howdy, kids! Oh, you wouldn't
believe where I've been!

This delightful little
bistro in the Jurassic era.

Just before the
aliens left the Earth. The..

Hey! Hello! Why the long face?

Things can't be that bad.

What?! In front of the sultan
and all those big shots?!

Oh, how humiliating! How embarrassing!

How… eh… eh...

like I said, it's not that bad.

Jasmine must think I'm an oaf.

She's so cultured
and I'm so… common.

So vulgar.
So… unsophisticated.

Philistine. You left out philistine.

Why can't I be more cultured, like Daru?

Well, this is your lucky day,
kid! I can teach you culture!

You?
- Piece of cake!

Oh, wow!

Literature, art,
education…

don't need 'em, because
I know the shortcut!

The shortcut?

Two simple rules.
One: never get your hair mussed.

Two: quote things.

But my hair's always a mess!

That's cause you're
always runnin' around!

A cultured man always has
someone else run around for him.

Well… okay.

But what was that about quoting
stuff? I don't know any quotes.

No sweat, all you need is this.

The Scroll of Witty Quotations!

"The secret to being witty
is to quote witty people."

Hmm, "the secret to being
witty is to quote witty people."

Wow, even that was a quote!

But, I don't understand what
any of these quotes mean!

Don't worry about it.

The less people understand,
the more they're impressed.

"The less people understand,
the more they're impressed."

Woo-Oo-Oo! Twilight zone!

Just memorize that scroll,
and the world is your oyster.

I feel more cultured already!

Those nomads were seeing things.
I see nothing out here to concern...

Patrol, halt!

Strange. The ground
seems to be made of… glass.

Al, baby, work with me on this one!

Try to look snootier. Like
pretend you smell somethin' bad.

No, I mean you smell
somethin' really bad, like…

desert aged camel cheese.

Allow me, sir.

Perfect! Darling! Hold
that look, baby!

That is you!

Aladdin! I've been
looking all over for…

What happened to your hair?!

Uh… Hair is but the outward
ornament, while true beauty lies within.

What are you talking about?

A good talker implies a good audience.

Oh, you're upset about
last night, aren't you?

Well, there's nothing to be ashamed
about. You were just being yourself.

Jasmine, I was so embarrassed...

Uh, ahem… while shame keeps its
watch, virtue is not wholly extinguished.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I'll be back when
you're normal again.

You're doin' great, sweetie, you just
need to work on your delivery a little bit!

Find the sultan! Big trouble!

I must insist that you check
your horses at the door.

Good day to you, sir!

What's the hurry?

There is a giant fire-breathing
beast in the desert.

No doubt it will destroy us all.

A giant fire-breathing beast?
We'd better check it out!

Let's get dangerous!

Al, Al, Al! The hair! The hair!

But what about the beast?

Are you gonna muss your hair
every time Hakim predicts doom?

Answer: no!

Remember, a cultured man has
someone else run around for him.

Delegate responsibility!

Well, maybe you could
go check it out, Genie.

Expertly delegated, sir.

Traffic's pretty light out
here in the wasteland.

Temperatures will be in the
hundreds. KGNE news time 3:37.

Nothing over there, or there, or there!

But I think we've got
something down there!

Gotta work on my landing.

What the heck was that?!

That's a big centipede…

Okay, buddy, where's the fire?

Is it hot or is it me?

Do you realize you're upsetting the
delicate ecological balance of the desert?!

I know. It's part of my fiendish plot!

Mechanikles!

I'm here with Mechanikles,
the mad inventor.

Tell us about your
latest diabolical scheme.

Well, it starts with getting rid
of a certain annoying genie!

Really? Anyone I know?

Of course, you
know, this means w*r.

Two can play the giant
robot game, Mechanikles!

Wait!
- You give up?

No, I was just wondering, do you know
how to get the ship out of this bottle?

Sure, no problem!

The trick is to get
enough wind in your...

Gotcha!

Oh, I can't believe I fell for the
old ship in the bottle trick again!

Now nothing will stand in the
way of DOING THE DISHES!

No, that can't be
right. Oh Let's see…

you polish sentinel, polish
centipede, wax trash can…

that's right!

Nothing will stand in the way of
burning Agrabah to the ground.

…I said, that which is everyone's
business is no one's business.

Ha ha ha,

How very clever and amusing!

Oh yes, yes.

Very amusing story, Daru…

whatever it meant. Perhaps
you will favor us with a joke?

I am but a humble
businessman, not a humorist.

Perhaps our young friend
Aladdin will tell us one of his jokes?

My jokes are but the threadbare
jests of a threadbare jester.

Yes!
- All right!

Oh brother.

But, jesters do often
prove wise men.

Oh yeah!
- Yeah...

Even a fool when he holds
his peace is counted wise!

How sophisticated!

Way to go, Al! I don't think anyone
knew what that last one meant.

Jas, Jas, Jas! The hair! The hair!

Aren't you worried about Genie?

He should have been back by now!

You're right. I'll send
Carpet to look for him.

We're all going.

Jasmine, fools rush in where...
- Then we're going to be fools.

Whew, for once they didn't drag
me along on their stupid... awk!

Is that water? How strange.

It's… it's glass.

Ah!

That's a big centipede!

Let me out! I don't
want to be in this thing!

People might ask,
why install a net?

Mechanikles!
- Mechanikles!

"Buy more nets."

What have you done with Genie?!

Arr, me hearties! Batten down the h...

Oh, hi, Al. Uh, he
tricked me, sorry.

Say, nice hair, very cultured.

How do you keep it
from getting mussed?

Oh, so it's my fault
that you listened to me?

Nice of you to stop by.

I hope you don't mind if
I catch up on my ironing…

while I divulge my latest diabolical
plan to impose order on the chaotic world.

Uh, no, be our guest.

I hate wrinkles and bumps and
things, don't you? They're so…

they just plain
give me the willies.

Do you know how glass is made?

Sand! Melted sand.

I like glass.
It's so smooth and even.

No bumps, no wrinkles.

Oh, imagine you had a machine
that could the entire desert

into a smooth plane of glass.

Let me get this straight:
you're gonna iron the desert?

Yes, correct!

Sure. Yeah. That'll work.
Yeah. Good good good.

Observe.

Gee, I wish we had
one of these things.

I can hardly wait
till Daru sees it.

Daru? Daru Tavelevil?

The merchant?

You know him?! Nice guy,
hmm? Very cultured. Great hair.

He's the merchant who sold
me the iron to build this thing.

Well, he wasn't too thrilled
with my plan to destroy Agrabah,

but he made a mint on the deal.

Daru got rich selling out
Agrabah!? Ooh, that jackal!

Yeah, but think about
all those jobs he created.

What? What is it?
Did I say somethin'?

Oh, Mechanikles? I
was wondering…

How did you get the
ship into that bottle?

Well I'm so glad you asked.

I have been working
on this for years!

See, you don't build
the ship and put it in,

you build it inside, and

Way to go, Al!

Ugh! I cannot
believe I fell for the old

"how do you get the ship
in the bottle" trick again!

Get 'im!

People might ask, "why
install an ejector panel?"

"Replace ejector panel."

Now, to exact my revenge!

But first I've got to get the
wrinkles out of this tunic!

Look!

It's headed straight for Agrabah!

Gee, sure glad we didn't
pay next month's rent.

Oh, I swear if it's the
last thing I ever do,

Daru is going to pay
for betraying his people.

I can't believe I
looked up to that guy!

I thought he was so cultured!

Oh, it's okay, Aladdin.
We were all taken in.

Yeah. You know, it amazes
me how people fall for that Daru.

He had even less
charm than Aladdin…

till' I lent him the scroll and
taught him the hair thing.

Oh, again the staring!

So it's my fault you
guys are so gullible?!

That does it!

It's time for me to quit listening to
your stupid advice and do things my way!

Aladdin, you take
Carpet and warn Agrabah.

We'll stay here
and try to hold it off.

Look, why don't I go with Aladdin
and round up the palace guards?

I'm sure they...
- There's no time for that.

We'll have to
handle this ourselves.

Maybe we can
trap it in the canyon.

Huh, a few boulders oughta
put a dent in Mechanikles' plan.

Genie? Why don't you
try pushing the other way?

Oops, my mistake.

That was close, pal.

Thank you.

I mean, that was close, you
squalid flea-bitten monkey!

Why you…

We did it!

The winner and still
champion, Aladdin!

Uh, maybe we should
hold off the victory party.

Okay, tin man!
Meet your worst nightmare!

Sorry, Al. Guess I blew it.

Say! This could be
a good look for me!

Genie! You just figured
out how stop those things!

Come on, everybody,
let's plug up those pipes!

It's show time!

Oh, hey! Help me with this,
I've got a bad back! Oh...

Ooh, I almost got it!

Iago, you can stop now!

Uh, I don't want to
sound pessimistic,

but, where's Mechanikles?

People might ask, "why put
retractable bat wings on the head?"

Well, you intellectually
deficient rapscallions!

Prepare to meet your doom!

Hey guys, I got it! I got it!

People might ask, "why install
seatbelts?" and I might ask…

Ooh, why didn't I pack
a coat or something?!

Come on, you worthless slacker!

You sold this iron, and you're
going to clean it up! Now move!

Oh, what about my nails?!

Daru's working much
faster than I expected.

Yeah, at this rate he should be
done in, oh, ten or fifteen years?

Will you just leave me alone?

Here is it! "Will you
just leave me alone?"

Wow,
this is really weird.

But, how can everything
I say be on the scroll?

Look! "But how can everything…"

This is the stupidest…

I've never heard of
anything so preposterous!

How can everything
I say be stuff,

some stupid joker
put down on paper?

This is awful!
- This is awful.

Have I no free will?!
- Have I no free will...

Stop reading that thing!
- Stop reading that thing.