02x05 - Unhappy Campers

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on

sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t!!!

Well if it isn't the deadbeat

Well if it isn't nurse p*ssy face

You aint gettin in here

How many times do I have to s*domize you with a taser before you take a hint?

As many as it takes to get me off, now enough with this foreplay, where's Barb?

She checked out months ago, but that ain't none of your business

Wait what? How? this is- wh-where the f*ck did she go?

Yeah, like I'm gonna tell you a*s clown

You know I k*ll people for a living, right b*tch?

Oh I'm SO f*ck scared...

Ugh... Fine

Blitz, she's got a job now, a life.

Don't f*ck it up by finding her

Oh that's nice, why don't you take that advice and shove it right between your p*ssy LIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiips

Sir! There's a client here who wants to-

[Slams Door]

I'm sorry, you were saying?

Well, its just that I'm sure one of the other camp counselors k*lled me

I'm just not sure which one...

How could you not know?

I was out on the lake when my boat started to sink.

Someone had drilled holes in it

The counselors are the only ones with keys to the boathouse, and they're the only ones who knew I couldn't swim.

It had to be them

Hmm, we don't typically do investigations, I'll have to check with the boss

Uh, pardon moi sir.

Not now Mox

Sir, there's a client that needs us to investigate his death, and we don't usually

No tiiiime

But sir, we really need the cashflow, and I was thinking maybe-

What part of "NO. f*cking. TIIIIIIIME." do you not understand?

Just handle it yourself

You want me to lead? On a hit?

I swear on all that is evil Mox if you aren't out of my office in negative 3 seconds-

Yooou GOT IT SIR!

We'll take the case!

And I'll be handling this investigation personally

Honey are you sure? What about Blitz?

Honey, honey please. Blitz put me in charge this time

He did?!?

Oh! I mean, He... HE DID!

Right! And this is going to be the cleanest, most well prepped, most surgical hit we've ever had!

Don't worry sir! We'll find your k*ller

And give him what's coming to him

And/or her

Or they...

Why the f*ck wouldn't she tell you where she was going? I mean, did you even ask?

Wait hold on, I'm getting another call... Hellooooooo

Oh Good, did you find-

Really, where?

Thanks, and I promise if we ever get a contract on your children

We'll make it quick and painless- BYEEEEEEEE

Mox...

Are you sure this isn't a little... much

It's my first lead Mills

It has to be... perfect

Now in front of you, you'll find a comprehensive guide to your cover persona

Memorize it. We've got a lot of work to do

[Children playing and laughing]

Okay Millie, one last time for safety

[in girly voice] I'm Moxxine, the hottest, most popular girl at my school, and you are?

Your brother Millerd, I like sports and f*ck b*tches

Hm, you know these kids are a bit younger than I was expecting

Maybe lose that last part

Check!

Alright, I think we're ready

Hey Mox!

Check out that shady lookin fella over there

I think that's our guy

Ahem, Millie... I hardly think pointing out the first guy you see is the proper way to conduct an-

No that's definitely him. That bags full of money, and drugs, and what looks like a drill one would use to poke holes in a boat

But- But that's all circumstantial at best!

We need to methodically eliminate all suspects until we can be sure

Now he's lookin around and heading into that locked boathouse we heard about

That would be the perfect place to-

Fine Mox... we'll do it your way

With my sleuthing skills and your k*ller eye

We should have this wrapped up in no time

Now, we just have to find the kids with the most influence

Oh... Target. Aquired.

[Offscreen] HEY!

So he snorted a whole line of ground up mints, and tried to convince us he was high

Can you EVEN believe him?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh that Derek! What a riot! Riiiiiiiight?

Um, who the f*ck are you?

I'm Moxxine, I'm the prettiest girl at my school

And all the boys want me

My favorite coloooooor is hot pink

Because normal pink is sooooooooo-

Basic

I like horses, puppies, fast cars, jewlery-

And I got my first period last year

And it was SOOOOO HEAVY!

I guess I'm just more mature than your typical preteen...

So, you wanna be frieeeeeeends?

The f*ck is wrong with your legs?

Wha- Um Oh! I um- uh...

I was in an accident?

The same accident that f*cked up your skin?

You look like you spent three years in a tanning bed

It's uuuuh... Natural?

Ahah! Yeah, you wish.

That botch job looks like it cost five bucks in an alley behind Walmart

Get lost you f*cking freak!

But I- eeeeh...

Mean Girl: Oh my god! WHO is THAT?!?

Look how beautifully tan he is

WHAAAAT?!?

I GOT IT!!!

That was...

The best spike I've ever seen...

[Cheers]

Please... I need medical attention

First Aid is for WINNERS!

Oh my GOD, he is so f*cking HOT!

Oh! Ya know he's my brother

f*ck OFF TROLL!

Hi, I'm lookin for one of your employees, her name is Barbie. Does she work here?

Wait what? Who are you?

AAAAGH

Someone who's gonna get reeeal creative if you don't tell him what he wants!

Where is she f*ck?

I know you know! It only gets worse from here as*h*le!

Okay! Okay! She's out on a pickup!

Where?

[Cheers]

Mox! Did you see? I broke the record on the course!

Mhmm. I saw.

Can you believe this? Everyone LOVES me, they're cheering, -

- they even posted videos of me online. LOOK!

OOOH MOXXIE THAT WAS SO FUN! No wonder you sing all the time!

Not exactly low profile...

I know... but it's kinda nice havin people cheer for me for once ya know?

Instead of SCREAMING in PAIN and HORROR

Don't forget what we're here to do Millie

I havn't. I'm just waitin until you're ready...

Have you been able to eliminate any suspects?

No of course not

I can't get anything from anyone because they're too busy swooning over you

If you want we can go off the guy right now!

I think he's alone in the cabin-

NO!

I have to do this right

I tell you what...

Why don't you try winning them over with something you're good at like I did?

How about your music?

I can even help you since they already love me

Yeah... YEAH!

That just might work

Millie: Ya'll wanna hear a SOOOOONG?!?

Crowd: Yeeeah!

Alright! I know you all like me, but Moxxine is the real deal y'all

Let him-heeeeer tell ya all abouit it!

MOX!

Thank you...

Moxxie?

You okay?

[Moxxie sobbing uncontrollably]

GO AWAY!

Moxxie what's going on?

NOTHING! ITS-

IT'S JUST MY TIME OF THE MONTH!

Honey... no.

I just wanna go home

Hey big guy... I know you can do this

You're the best assassin/musician/preteen girl I know

[Choked sob]

an- an- and investigator?

And investigator.

Look...

I know it's been tough. Just keep playing to your strengths

You have all week to get it right

Okay...

Thank you

MOX! MOX! You'll never believe it!

They want me to perform on stage tonight for the local news!

Those videos have made me some kind of human celebrity

All week it's been "Oh look at MILLERD! Isnt HE great?"

"Oh look how talented MILLERD is!"

WE have a JOB to do, and you're off dancing for views

Why does it matter SO MUCH how these yokels feel about you?

It doesnt...

It matter how I feel about myself.

And for once I feel like...

Like I'm important!

Like I'm someone to be proud of...

And I had hoped that my husband would be there to support me -

HALF as much as I'VE supported him THIS WEEK!

Millie I didn't mean-

SAVE IT MOX!

You could have finished that job any time if you had just listened to me

But you wanted to do things YOUR WAY

So fine. Finish the job, go home if you want to -

But I'm gonna have my moment WITH OR WITHOUT YOU!

Oh crumbs...

It's here man, I swear!

Open it...

Thanks chump

You ready to go on champ?

I guess...

Great, now get out there and put camp IVANNAKUMMORE on the MAP!

[Crowd Cheers]

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Boys and Girls!

Are you ready for a SHOOOOOW?!?

[Crowd Boos] GET THE f*ck OFF THE STAGE!

k*ll YOURSELF NERD

I am very proud to introduce to you -

Someone with abilities never before seen on this Earth

Someone with the raw athletic skill of an Olympian -

The voice of an angel

the acrobatic technique of an indentured twelve year old Russain ballerina

And a body that -

JUST.

DOESN'T.

QUIT.

[Clears throat]

The best, and most supportive person I've ever known

And the love of my life

My wife-

Brotheeeeer... Millerd!

Thank you....

Knock'em dead baby

Speaking of...

You sure?

Go get'em baby

What in the- SIR?

MOXXIE? What the f*ck are you doing here?

Trying to finish the job you gave me

Christ on a stick, you're still workin on that? It's been like a f*cking week

THIS is why I don't trust you with d*ck Mox

And what exactly are you doing here sir?

Apparently helping finish your botched job

But mostly I'm looking for my sister-

BARBIE!

BLITZ?

You know her?

Do I know her? That's my sister f*ck!

[Crowd explodes with cheers]

What the f*ck are you doing here shithead?

I should be asking you the same thing!

You check yourself out of rehab, no call, no note -

And I have to track you down to this sh*thole with-

who the f*ck is this?

No one, he works for me, and whos the little twink here?

No one... He works for me

Sir! That guys the target!

Oh sh*t Barb! Looks like your little boy toy got himself into some trouble

The f*ck are you talking about?

He k*lled our client, and now our client wants to k*ll him back

You f*cking WHAT?

He found out about your drugs

I don't want to f*cking hear it kid, look you're not k*lling my supplier

Oh f*ck... supplier of what? You're not back on that H-8 are you?

f*ck NO, Its just heroin

Oh thank Satan

[Child screams in futility...]

So now you're peddling heroin? What's the point? That sh*t barely gets rid of a headache

It's honest work okay? And I thought it would be sure to keep me as far away from you as possible

And you teamed up with genius here because?

Do you have any idea how easy teenage humans are to manipulate?

Heeey! No I'm not!

Oh Jimmy-wimmy can you pwease keep loading up deez dwuggie-wuggies for me?

Heh, sure Barb. Whatever you say

Sir... I've spent a week on this...

I'm finishing it, one way, or another...

Don't you dare!

[80's style rock anthem begins]

Ooooo! You got the power

Waoooooh

Ooooo! You got the power

Barbie: Come on Blitzo, Havn't you f*cked my life up enough already?

[Song] YEAH!

A tale as old as Rock and Roll

When you win, you're the best

You work until you reach the goal from within

That't the test! Woah woah!

You fight until you reach the top

To rub it in their face! Woah! Woah!

You love so hard your flesh explodes!

And you win the f*ck race!

Ooooo You got the power

[Girl screams]

Oooooo You got the power

A heat so hot it burns your hole like a fire when you pee

The inner flame inside your soul makes you cry -

VICTORY!

You flex your cheeks until it hurts

You bust out of your jeans! Woah! Woah!

You blow your load on all your foes!

And drown out all their screams!

Oooooo You got the power

Waoh!

Ooooooo You got the power

Waoh!

SATAN f*cking DAMNIT!!!

Thanks a lot Blitzo, I'm out of a job!

f*ck!

Barb wait!

I want help you- Let me help you. Please?

You're clean now right- let's... grab dinner, we'll catch up, and we'll talk about-

Hehahaha You don't f*cking GET IT!

Just cause I'm outta rehab doesnt mean I wanna see you

I NEVER wanna see you EVER!

Next time you want to find me Blitzo-

DON'T!

[Crowd cheering]

Looks like you did it

No...

You did it.

I'm so proud of you Millie

And I'm sorry I let you down

Just don't do it again dummy

[Crowd goes silent]

[Noises of two lovesick imps about to raw dog begin]

[ Like it's so graphic]

[There goes the tube top]

[Exhibitionism activated]

Internet sensation and local celebrity Millerd Realboy caught incesting tonight!

Showcasing a sickening display onlookers deemed:

Too disturbing to look away... and we wont.

Gonna be honest Moxxie-

Not too bad for your first solo mission

[Gasps]

Reeeeeally siiiir?

Nooo, no not really.

You're a f*cking disgrace