03x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

[Rhona] Your own partner
found a burner phone

and secret bank accounts
in your desk, Sergeant.

I have to disclose this!

The Dean's lawyer
will pull you apart today.

- I've been set up.
- Doesn't matter!

Your credibility, your star witness,
all tainted now!

How could you let this happen?
You amateur.

Amateur?

I don't need to take this sh*t!

- [Rhona laughs]
- DS Haines!

Sir, I'll go. I'll talk to her.

[Rhona sighs]

[cameras clicking]

Good morning.

I'm DCI Monroe and this is DS Burgess.

Today we're launching an urgent appeal...

Shhh!

...to find Rani Rekowski.

We want to speak to her on suspicion
of the m*rder of Marshall Smiley,

who was found dead in Leigh Woods
with both his thumbs cut off.

The suspect was last seen
in Weston-super-Mare

and has strong ties to Bristol.

Miss Rekowski is considered a dangerous
individual and should not be approached.

We're asking anyone who has
any information on this

to please come forward.

["Homes Under The Hammer" theme plays]

Mum, I was watching that!

If you're helping Rekowski,
or you know where she is,

then you are reminded that assisting her

can result in a prison sentence
of up to ten years.

We're coming for you.

- DS Burgess is heading the...
- If that fed is dirty like you say,

we're gonna need some extra help.

Who you calling?

Please, if anybody has any information,

call 999 immediately,

and help bring this woman to justice.

Thank you.

[woman on TV] That was
a live police appeal from Bristol.

- Let's go to Thomas with a recap of...
- [phone buzzing]

[phone beeps]

[Malaki] Yo.

It's Ben. I'm with Rani.

Rani, Rani, Rani.

So you're a m*rder*r now?

I thought the worst thing you could do
is leave a man crying on a train.

- You were crying?
- No.

I heard you were sobbing so loudly they
made you leave the quiet carriage, bruv.

That didn't happen.

Look, Christian, I'm innocent.

So says every criminal
I met in prison, Rani.

No. No, no, no. The Dean set me up.

Did you know that he has
a corrupt policeman working for him?

Ben and I are getting
proof of it today.

I have a plan to make him confess.
Greg's helping.

Will you?

Rani, this is DS Haines. Where are you?

I, I... I didn't k*ll anyone.

Then tell me where you are.
We can talk about it.

Rani?

[phone beeps]

[line disconnects]

I said no phones!

He's in hiding 'cos he's my key witness.

I need him in court by two!
Can you get that right?

[door opens and shuts]

[opening theme music plays]

[zips loudly, whooshes]

[belt clunks, torch clicks]

[whooshing, upbeat music plays]

[radio clicks in place]

[handcuffs whoosh and click]

[ringtone plays briefly]

[phone beeps]

Let's do this.

[rock music plays]

[school bell rings]

Hello there.
Do you wanna do me a favour?

What does that sign say there?

Loading and unloading only.

Oh, you can read.
Unlike your mummy.

What?

Unloading kids doesn't count.
Move on, love.

The school is right here.

I've said move on.

Oi!

No motorised vehicles in the park.
Get off, wheel it.

All right.

Give it here.

Oi!

Excuse me, where's Castle Park?

Oh, erm... Well, you take the 72 bus
and go west onto Queen's Road,

cross over the zebra crossing
and then left onto Richmond Hill.

- Amazing.
- Great. Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Oh, what nice boys.

Have a great day now.

- [knocking on door]
- [John] Myrns?

Myrns?

Myrna, I...

Where's Myrns? Myrna?

She's just popped out to get some
coriander. I'm making shakshuka.

Er, you are...?

John.

From community service? She mentioned you.

Did she? What did she say?
I'm a right-wing loud mouth?

That you're a good man.

I'm Sean. Nice to meet you.

Hmm.

Do you want to come in and wait?
She won't be long.

Given you've discounted surrogacy,
we should talk about a sperm donor.

Right.

Now, have you given any thought
to whether or not you'll use a bank?

Yes, I want my child
to have a trust fund.

No, sorry. I mean a sperm bank.

Because you should know that in the UK
there are far more people needing sperm

than there are donors,
so there is a sperm shortage.

How? This country is full of wankers!

God, first we had no flour, no tomatoes,
no gas, and now we've got no semen.

Bloody Brexit!

The timing of insemination is critical

and co-ordinating it
with your ovulation cycle

is often hampered by long waiting times.

Months, even years in some cases.

But my doctor said I need to get pregnant
as soon as possible or it won't happen.

Then you may be better off
with a donor you already know.

So... What, you mean like a...

a friend?

Exactly.

Can you think of anyone?

[whirring]

[Gabby] Gregory!

[whirring]

Cool, right?
The top of the line baby monitor.

It even records, so you don't have
to miss a minute of your kid sleeping.

- Stocking up on the essentials.
- How much did this set you back?

Who cares?
You're winning me back my inheritance.

Greg, come sit, darling.

I do need to ask you something delicate.

It's about you, it's about masturbation.

I told you,
I thought the bathroom door was locked!

- And you're normally at yoga till three.
- Not that.

I need to get pregnant as soon as possible

and I wouldn't be asking
if I had another option,

but you might be my one
and only shot at motherhood, so...

will you give me your sperm?

Sorry, a few follow-up questions.

Really?!

Are you sure
you want to have a child with me?

Why not? You're smart, you're tall,
you're... you're tall.

I just... never really
saw myself as a dad.

Oh, but you wouldn't be the dad.
You'd be like a... a weird uncle.

So, if I was watching him
play football, I couldn't shout,

"Stick it in the goal-hole, sonny!"?

Oh, darling,
no son of yours is scoring goals.

They're not even getting
picked for the team.

He'd be half my sploodge!

Yes, but if you lent me
a bag of sugar to bake a cake,

you wouldn't say the cake
was yours, would you?

I'd like to think once you'd mixed it
with your eggs, I was entitled to a slice.

- What if he's got my eyes?
- Oh, let's not catastrophise.

Greg, darling, it's important that you
understand what I'm asking here.

I want to have a baby on my own.

I just need some help doing that.

Don't you want some posh DNA?
Sperm that always turns left on a plane?

No! No, I want to introduce some sanity
into my family blood-line.

That's why I need sperm that is
really ordinary and totally unremarkable.

- None taken.
- So...

I spoke to the fertility doctor, she wants
you to go in for some tests tomorrow.

Gabby, I...

So I need you to take Vitamin C,
Vitamin D, Zinc, maca root...

Oh, and fenugreek
to boost your sperm count.

I'm just not really sure...

And exercise is good, darling,
so I've signed you up to Pilates.

Oh, God, are the machines
gonna be long enough?

- I'm not giving you my sperm!
- But I thought...

You thought that I would say yes
'cos that's what I always do!

What about what I want?
What about my feelings?

I've got my own sh*t going on
but you wouldn't know that

because you never stop thinking
about yourself long enough to notice!

My body, my choice!

And I'm borrowing this.

Woah!

One dummy g*n.

Why... why didn't you
get rid of it after last time?

Clearly some part of my brain
thought I'd need it again.

[knocking on shutter]

[Tori] Ben? Open up, it's me.

- Take... take it.
- No, you take it!

- Oh!
- [Tori] Ben?

[whispers] sh*t!

Hey, babe.

Where've you been hiding?

I'm sorry, babe.

I've just been... snowed under.

- Tax returns, stock checks, re-ordering.
- Well...

I had...

a very naughty dream

about you last night.

And I was thinking,

we go back to yours

and make that dream a reality?

'Course, you will need to
dress up as Where's Wally

and halfway through
my mate's step-dad'll show up.

- What?!
- [both laughing]

You have sexual fantasies
about Where's Wally?

- It's the thrill of the chase.
- [Ben laughs]

- [Tori chuckles]
- I would love to,

but I've gotta do my VAT.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Call me later?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Bye, babe.

If you want a signed copy,
I've got an embarrassing amount.

Yeah, Myrna said
you were in town to promote your book.

- You're a psychologist, yeah?
- I am.

- Have you ever had any therapy?
- Doing it now.

What does your therapist practice?
CBT or psychoanalysis?

Oh, I don't... I don't have
a therapist. I have an app.

O-kay.

My wife said I need to
work on myself, so I am.

Myself.

Without seeing a professional?

Yeah, no offence but, err...

I think therapists are like car salesmen,

always trying to up-sell.

You go in feeling a bit down in the dumps,
come out with ADHD and bipolar.

And heated seats you never wanted.

Sometimes seeing
a professional is necessary,

particularly if there's any
trauma or parental abuse.

Myrna mentioned you have a fractious
relationship with your father?

Nah, it's fine.

That's... that's not abuse. It's, erm...

You know, a lot of people have
shitty dads, don't they?

Who say things like, err, "I despise you",

"Stay in the cellar until
you can do your times tables."

- That kind of thing.
- [Sean sighs]

Abuse takes many forms.

Yeah.

Well, tomorrow
I'm taking the old b*stard down.

Be the last therapy I ever need.

Well, if it's useful,
chapter eight is about fathers and sons.

- What are you doing here?
- I need to talk to you.

In private.

Shall I lay an extra plate for John or...?

The Dean's lawyer wants us to testify
that Rani framed The Dean

and he threatened my family.

Oh, my God!

- We have to do what he says.
- Yeah, but then, Rani will go to jail.

We'll have ruined that poor kid's life!

No, do you know
what'll ruin my kids' lives?

Is getting m*rder*d
before they finish puberty!

- [knocking]
- Shakshuka's ready!

[Myrna] Be out in a minute!

Look, we cannot just
throw Rani under the bus.

Can't we? I mean, she did m*rder Smiler!

- We don't know that for sure.
- Myrns!

The police found her DNA
on the m*rder weapon, in her bag.

She couldn't look more guilty if she wore
a T-shirt that says "I Heart Stabbing".

- [knocking]
- [Sean] Everything okay?

- This shakshuka will dry out.
- One second!

Myrns, I have to put an end to this.

I have to, okay? I'm taking my dad down.

It's my daughter's 13th tomorrow
and I'm gonna walk into that party,

and I'm gonna tell Ruth
I got my old job back,

and things will be the way they were.

I can start over, okay?

If I'm done with Rani
and The Dean, and all of it.

[rhythmic knocking]

Yes! We get it!

You made a f*cking shakshuka!

We need to speak to Ben and Greg.

And if they agree, I'll do it.

We need to go out.

[John] Oh, thanks for the, err...

Thanks for the book.

Now?! Where?

Would you give me some bloody space?!

Why are you here all the time?

- You asked me to move in.
- Yeah, well,

that was before I knew that
you would be all up in my business.

You're always fussing.

What kind of grown arse man
chooses to descale a kettle?

Oh, and stop putting out
those bowls of vegetable crisps!

That's potpourri!

I cannot breathe
with you here all the time!

If you're feeling smothered
we should talk about that.

I do not have time for therapy!

Myrna, please, don't shut me out.

[dog barking]

John Halloran.

Myrna Okeke.

DS Tony Burgess.

I need to talk to you about Rani Rekowski.

There's your credit card
and your room key.

You're in 27,
take the lift to the second floor.

Hello. I was wondering if I could get
a room, please, if you have one available.

Number 28, if that's available?

It's where my wife and I honeymooned...

In Paris, where she was working...

as a model...

and human rights lawyer.

She does both. She's... Brains and beauty.

Picture George Clooney's wife,
but way classier.

And, err... and you've
pictured Allegra, the missus...

The old missus, the old ball and chain.
[laughs]

Hmm.

These mints don't have much flavour.

They're not mints,
they're decorative pebbles.

Are they?

Room 28. Second floor.

[suspicious guitar music plays]

Come on. Testing, testing.

Can you hear me?

Loud and clear.

This thing definitely records, yeah?

This thing definitely records, yeah?

Yeah, it records, yeah.

[Greg] Thought it might be better
than your idea of using a phone.

Yep.

[Rani] Okay. Here we go.

[both sighing]

- [line ringing]
- [sighs]

Burgess.

This is Ben Eastfield.

Blue ba*ls! How are you?

Spill the goss, babes.

Rani Rekowski didn't k*ll Smiler.

No? Who did?

You.

When you were at the pub, you didn't
check if the CCTV was working, did you?

'Cos I have you on tape

doing the deed and it's as clear as day.

Now how much is that worth to you?

Oh, Blue ba*ls, you really are
young, dumb and full of c*m.

Look, I'm not gonna arrest you
for wasting police time.

But don't ever, ever
piss me about again, yeah?

[phone beeps]

[line disconnects]

Well... Well, what did he say?

He didn't bite.

No, no, no. No, I guarantee right now,

he's tracing that call
to see where you rang from.

He'll be knocking
on the door within an hour.

And then what happens?

Then you hit record

and we have a bent copper on tape
making a deal for incriminating evidence.

Boom.

Okay.

[Gabby] And when my baby is born,

she/her, he/him, they/them
is gonna grow up

in a totally ethical household.

The clothes will be second-hand,
the cot will be up-cycled. [gasps]

And big thanks to all
the good folk at PlasticFreeToys...

for the wooden Barbie.

Also...

I promise that
whoever breastfeeds my child

will be paid the same as any man would be.

Now, I would love any tips
that you can give,

but I don't want to appropriate
anyone else's lived experience

so I will only take advice from other

Caucasian, cis, q*eer,
metropolitan women of privilege.

[knocking on door]

Excuse me for a second, friends.

- What are these?
- 42 boxes of legal documents.

- Where do you want 'em?
- Err...

Your girlfriend seems nice.

- Funny, too.
- Yeah.

She gets that from her mum.

You... you've met her mum?

I've met both her parents.

[Rani] That was quick.

Did you tell her about us?

She knows I've had a girlfriend
before her but that's about it.

[scoffs] Okay.

What was I gonna say?

My ex and I ran a drug empire together
and, oh, we framed a ruthless criminal?

Did you take her virginity too?

[lightly choking]

[Ben] Rani...

- I...
- Aw! So that's a no.

- So she'd slept with people before you?
- Okay,

- we shouldn't be having this conversation.
- How many was it?

Two? Three? 40?

Oh! You might wanna get checked.

She does sound a bit chlamydia-y.

- That fed's not coming, is he?
- Yes, he is.

- Rani, please.
- What?

He's not coming because he's not involved.

- Just be honest with me.
- I am being honest with you!

You knew that I would help you,

because you know you've still got me
wrapped around your little finger...

- My God!
- And I'm the idiot, because here I am!

[bell rings]

I'm looking for this man.
Benjamin Eastfield.

Which room is he in?

Err...

- Room 27. Second floor.
- Cheers.

Do you have a hotel floor plan, there?

Lovely.

And the answer's "plaza," on Wordle.

Got it in three this morning.

Oh...

What are you up to, Blue ba*ls?

- What you even talking about?
- When we all yawned, you didn't.

That's the tell-tale sign of a psychopath.

[Rani] Maybe I wasn't tired!

[Ben] You were up all night driving
a corpse back from London!

- How could you not be tired?!
- It's a good question.

- [Rani] Okay, so that means that I...
- Uhh!

[Greg straining]

- [Rani and Ben continue arguing]
- [Greg groaning]

Shh!

Shh!

[kiss noise]

You have a nice sleep, long fella.

You dumped me through a train window!

And you just vanished into thin air,
no phone calls, no emails.

But I said I'm sorry!

It doesn't matter if you said
you're sorry, you still left me.

- [knocking]
- [Burgess] Police! Open up!

- Go on. Hide.
- [Burgess] Hurry up! Open up!

Yeah.

Where's this tape, Blue ba*ls?

- Let's talk money first.
- Yeah?

Who do I look like to you?

Sergeant Numbnuts?

Show me the tape.

Oh.

There is no tape, is there?

Absolute scenes!

Feel free to come out, Rani.

Ah!

I know your partner in crime here
is as thick as a docker's sandwich,

but The Dean talks about you
like you're Stephen bloody Hawkings.

You don't seem that clued up to me.
I mean, what was the plan?

I walk in here, confess everything
and you tape it on a bloody baby monitor?

Whatever The Dean's paying you,
I'll double it.

You ain't got that kind of money. Come on.

Let's go, I wanna get home
for The One Show.

Bublé's on tonight and it's not even
Christmas, but it feels like it.

- She's not going anywhere.
- Oh.

"Policeman gets shot by young
black man with criminal record

and blue ba*ls".

- That should go well for you.
- How about...

"Corrupt copper shot by young
brown girl with an Oxford scholarship"?

- You ain't gonna sh**t me.
- I'm already wanted for one m*rder.

- Might as well go out with a bang.
- Come on!

Me, you and Blue ba*ls knows,
you never k*lled anyone.

- And you ain't gonna start now.
- Try me.

Wait, why do you keep
calling him Blue ba*ls?

'Cos he helped you cover up a m*rder

and you never even had
the decency to nosh him off.

- You said that?
- No!

But a thank you would have been nice.

Rani, look, you know
who I've got sitting in my car?

Your friends John and Myrna.

I'm chaperoning them to court,

where they're gonna testify
you fitted up The Dean.

God, you've underestimated
the wrong people.

Right now, they are racing
to the real police to turn you in!

- We should try the door.
- Yes.

- Wait, I can reach it.
- I can reach it. I can reach it.

- Easy. Easy.
- Get over the top!

- Yep.
- That's it. Pull!

- I'm pulling.
- [Myrna straining]

- There's bloody child locks.
- It's a child lock.

Clever b*stard!

- Can you pull?
- Yeah. Yeah. I'll make this.

- [Myrna straining]
- [John] Stop, stop, stop!

[Burgess] And your face
is all over the news.

So do you believe in your wildest dreams

you can outrun every copper
in the country, Professor Hawkings?

It's Hawking, with no "S",
Sergeant Numbnuts.

I can see why you like boning this one.

Feisty, ain't she?

Must have really stung
when she dumped you on that train.

Good luck.

[door shuts]

Is there anyone who doesn't
know how you dumped me?

Greg!

Oh, my God. Greg? Greg?!

- Greg! Come on.
- [Greg groans]

[Rani straining] You okay?

No.

I've eaten 26 quids worth
of minibar snacks.

And I don't even like spicy cashews.

I have to run an errand.
You good back there?

- Fine.
- Oh, yeah, never better, thanks.

- Cheers.
- Nice of you to ask.

[phone buzzing]

- Who's Sean?
- Oh...

That's my, erm, my...

boyfriend.

Look, he's just gonna keep
calling if I don't answer.

Oh, isn't he the thirsty little b*tch?

Make it quick.

- Hi.
- [Sean] Myrna.

[sighs] I feel like...

things don't seem right.

I'm just in the way here.
I should move out.

No, no, no, don't do that.

It's me. I need my space. I'm not used
to having someone like up in my face.

I'm... I'm used to being
completely free.

I hope you know
you can be honest with me.

Unburden yourself.
Trust is a fragile flower

that takes time to grow.
We go back a long way, Myrna.

Whatever it is, I'm here for you.

Honestly.

- I'm fine. Thanks.
- Can I be honest with you?

Sure.

I love you.

Cool.

Okay. I've gotta go now.

[line disconnects]

Oh! That was cold.

I get the guy's an absolute p*ssy but
why didn't you just say "I love you" back?

I don't know.

You need to figure that one out, love.
Ask yourself, what am I scared of?

Apart from me, obviously.

Stay put, yeah?

[central locking blips]

Help!

- Fire!
- We're in the... What?

- There's a fire!
- What are you doing?

Apparently people
do not respond to the word help,

but they do respond to the word fire.

Fire!

[together] Fire!

- [John] Help!
- [Myrna] There's a fire!

Can you get your leg through there?
If we contort our bodies,

we can escape.

If we could do all that,
we'd be taking this to Vegas, wouldn't we?

Can you dislocate your shoulder?

If I could,
I'd be saving it for the grand finale.

- Can you reach the steering wheel?
- With what, my telescopic nose?

- Stretch out your foot!
- What, and turn the radio on?

Just... Look, if you can reach the
steering wheel, you can beep the horn.

[Myrna] Oh!

Hold on. Here it comes.

Oh, there it is!

[Myrna] Aagh!

- Yeah!
- Ooh!

- [horn beeping]
- [Myrna] Yes!

- Yes! Yes.
- [horn beeping]

[horn beeping]

[horn beeping]

[horn beeping]

[horn beeping]

[horn beeping]

[suspenseful music plays]

Yo, PC Davis, can you tie a tie?

Yo, Davis!

[whispers] f*ck.

[Burgess] Taylor!

Taylor, open up!

- Taylor!
- [banging on door]

Open up!

[banging continues]

[Burgess grunts]

Uhh!

[straining]

Taylor!

sh*t!

Stop!

[panting]

[knocking on door]

- Daddy.
- Hello, Gabsy.

What... what are you doing here?

Do you recall that time

when we spread blankets
on the drawing room floor

and had an indoor picnic?

And you insisted we ate
everything with our hands?

You remember that?

Of course I do, my dear.
It was one of my favourite afternoons.

Eating game terrine
while you showed me your pirouettes.

What do you want?

My lawyers say they'll
drown your man in paperwork

and I see that's started already.

They also say it'll get rather nasty
in court once the mudslinging starts.

So, I thought we ought to have
a moment together before that.

Whatever happens,
you're still my little girl.

I had Sebastian pop into Harvey Nicks,
pick up all your favourites.

Can I tempt you to
a devilled guinea fowl egg?

I'll put the kettle on.

Ah, there's my girl!

- ♪ I'll bring the Earl ♪
- ♪ And I'll bring the Grey ♪

[chuckles] Here we go.

[Strickland] How would you describe the
work ethos of your colleague DS Haines?

She is... thorough...

and won't stop
till she gets what she wants.

You recall a conversation
with your superior, DCI Monroe,

in which he said,
"My hunch is, you're ambitious

and think if you nail somebody
the Met can't,

- it's your ticket out of Bristol"?
- Yes.

Do you recall what
Sergeant Haines said in response?

Yes. She said...

I won't apologise for being ambitious.

How did DCI Monroe respond to that?

I was tasked by DCI Monroe
with investigating DS Haines.

Tell us what you found in her desk.

A mobile phone.

[Strickland] Only two numbers
were dialled from that mobile phone

in the course of 18 months.

To whom were those calls placed?

A Christian Taylor and Rani Rekowski.

[Strickland] Christian Taylor is
a local drug dealer, is that correct?

[Selforth] He was.

And Rani Rekowski is currently wanted for
the m*rder of Mr Mathieson's associate,

Marshall Smiley, known as Smiler,
is that correct?

- Yes.
- Why did you call Miss Rekowski

just days before Marshall Smiley's death?

- I didn't.
- Was it to instruct her

- to stab Marshall Smiley to death?
- No.

Because he witnessed you
planting drugs in my client's car?

That didn't happen.

Were statements from a Swiss bank account,
registered in your name,

found by your friend and colleague
DS Selforth in your desk?

Those statements must have been
put there. Like the mobile phone.

Just so the jury is clear, someone forged
a Swiss bank account in your name,

infiltrated a secure police station,
and hid these items in your desk?

I... I don't know.

Is it not more plausible that
your informant, Christian Taylor,

whom you always visited in prison alone,

- paid you to set up my client?
- No. That's absurd.

Did you meet with Rani Rekowski and other
convicted felons at a Community Centre?

I didn't meet with them, no,
I was pursuing a lead.

And DS Selforth accompanied you?

No, I was in a, err...

sex club.

[laughter]

Were you now?

Err, yeah, pursuing a different lead.

[Strickland] And you uncovered what?

Nothing.

So, who sent you to the sex club
in pursuit of this non-existent lead?

I sent him there, yes, but only...

Did he think it was a good idea?

I thought that we should, err,
stake out the Community Centre.

But DS Haines overruled you?

Yes.

I put it to you that
during a meeting at the Community Centre,

you conspired with
Rani Rekowski, Christian Taylor

and other convicted felons

to lure my client, Liam Mathieson,
to Bristol...

- No!
- With the express purpose

- of planting drugs in his car.
- No.

This jury should seriously
question your integrity,

- should they not?
- No!

Shouldn't they acquit my client
if there is reasonable doubt

about how those drugs
ended up in Mr Mathieson's car?

It doesn't matter how they got
into his car! He is a drug dealer!

I think it matters a great deal
how they got there.

That's not what I meant.

No further questions, Your Honour.

That's not what I meant. They're
trying to discredit me, Your Honour.

- You may step down.
- They're setting me up!

You may step down!

[reporter] DS Haines,
do you have a comment to make?

[reporters clamouring]

- [Diane] Ma'am.
- Was it you who put the drugs in his car?

Ma'am.

- Can we have a quick comment?
- Ma'am.

- None of what they said is true, is it?
- Not now, Diane.

- But as your friend, I'm worried.
- You are not my friend, Diane!

Just f*ck off!

[Burgess] Police coming through,
make way. Make way.

[pensive music plays]

I have been sober for six months, Daddy.

Good for you. I'm proud.

What else is new?

Well...

I'm having a baby.

With whom?

With myself.

Oh. How modern.

Is this happy news?

Not according to the awful things
people are saying about me online.

- What are they saying?
- Well, Geoff F says,

-"Posh lezzer bints shouldn't reproduce."
- Oh!

TrevorIsClever74 writes,

"You d*kes wanna do away with men
but still need our baby gravy.

Jog on, love."

And KeithSkywalker69
is more nuanced.

He says that while he has nothing
against me personally,

he does think I should be sterilised
and made to live up North.

Oh, darling, ignore them.

Social media is
just for dancing teenagers,

sweaty perverts and Gary Lineker.

But the abuse will get five times worse

when these lawyers
air your dirty laundry in court.

And you've got more dirty laundry
than a care home after curry night.

But it doesn't have
to be like that, Daddy.

You're absolutely right, darling.

Not if you sign this.

Well, what is it?

It's an end to all this silliness.

"I hereby renounce any right,
title, interest or claim

to the following property,
land, assets... or money."

This is why you're here.

No, I came to see you.

Every time!

I fall for it every time!

Darling, your lawyer can't win this case.

He couldn't win the award for Tallest
Man Living In His Flat Called Greg.

Just sign the paperwork.

I'm looking out for you.

Then give me my inheritance
and I can afford to raise my child!

Oh, please!
You can't have a baby, Gabsy.

The only thing you can nurse
is a hangover.

You lecture me on parenting?

When did you ever change my nappy,

or put a plaster on my knee,
or read me a bedtime story?

You're an addict just like your mother
was. Don't make the same mistake she did.

Are you saying that I was a mistake?

I'm saying your mother
wasn't fit to raise a child.

I don't want you ending up like she did
with a gut-full of sleeping pills

- when the going gets tough!
- Get out!

- Just sign the bloody paperwork!
- Get out!

Suing me, having a baby.

That's never going to fill
the empty space inside,

just like the booze and the pills don't.

If I have an empty space inside
then whose fault is that?

Oh. Nice to have
someone to blame, isn't it?

Much easier than admitting
you screwed life up by yourself.

Baby formula.
Try your best not to snort it.

There's a good girl.

- Hello, your lordship.
- Hello, you lanky halfwit.

Gabby, no!

Prick!

Steady on, I just don't want
to see you drinking again.

It's kombucha, Greg.

And my dad is the prick.

And the worst thing is, he's right!

I'll be a sh*t mum!

You said it yourself, I'm... I'm selfish,
I never put anyone else first.

And... and I'm an addict.

The first sign of stress,
I'll be back on the vodka.

My breast-milk'll taste
like a White Russian!

None of that's true.

It is. That's why
you won't give me your sperm.

You and the rest of the world
know that I shouldn't be a mum.

You'll be an amazing mum.

You're warm and kind, smart,
you've got so much love to give.

You're only saying that
because I'm crying.

No, I mean it.

And to prove it...

I'm gonna take this in my room,

fill it with my jizz
and you're gonna whack it up your minge.

That's the sweetest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

Mr Halloran.

We are all waiting.

I swear...

by Almighty God...

the evidence I shall give
shall be the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I took part in an operation...

that was planned and orchestrated
by Rani Rekowski.

To plant drugs in the boot
of that man's car.

On behalf of Christian Taylor.

Who paid Detective Sergeant Lucy Haines
for her involvement.

[rocky blues music plays]

Uhh!

Move it! Shift it!

Out the way!

[Diane] Keep it coming back.

Plenty of space.

[metal crashing]

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

Could you tell me
how to get to Cabot Tower?

Go left, go right,

then go f*ck yourself.

Honestly!

You're welcome.

[music fades out]

[poignant music plays]

I know you hate to feel vulnerable,

but I need you to know
that I really do love you.

And so...

- [sighs]
- Mind your hip!

I'd like to say that
I wanna grow old with you,

but you'll just say we're already old.

But when I'm with you,

I feel like there's
so much more life left to live.

And I want to spend it with you.

Myrna.

Will you marry me?

Oh, bloody hell!

I'm really sorry...

for not believing you.

Hey.

It's okay.

[softly] I'm done.

- I'm gonna have to hand myself in.
- No.

No, we will figure it out.

No. I don't want to get you
in any more trouble.

It's only a matter of time
before the police find me.

[shutters rattling]

[footsteps]

What do you want?

I heard the curry goat was good.

Mm!

Thanks for the heads up
about the dodgy fed.

f*cking pigs, man.

Ain't no way
man's testifying for them now.

All I need is a change of clothes
and some P's and I'm on my way.

But you can't go. Rani needs our help.

Mm-mm.

I never get involved with women
who are into m*rder.

Or glamping.

Look, we need to keep The Dean inside.

He k*lled Smiler.

And then once he gets out,
he's gonna come for all of us.

Straight.

Which is why I'm leaving Bristol
before that happens.

You are the reason we are in this mess!

Don't put this on me.
You stole that money.

Only because you got in bed with
the devil and dragged me in with you.

Well, I've changed. I'm out of the game.

I can start a new life,

but not if I lose it first.

You know The Dean... how he thinks.

Come to City Farm in the morning, okay?

The... the others are gonna be there,
and we'll work out a plan.

[scoffs]

Nah.

Ain't my responsibility.

Well, nothing ever is, is it?

Ever since we were kids,
it was always you looking out for you,

and screw everyone else, right?

You ain't changed a bit.

I don't want to seem ungrateful,
but is that all of it?

You actually don't need very much,
'cos it's very rich,

like vanilla essence.

Also, if I'm honest,

I'm not feeling at my horniest.

- Oh no, why?
- It's Anne-Marie.

Oh, my God, is she okay?

- You know how I adore that angel.
- She dumped me.

f*ck that witch!

Darling, break-ups are the worst.

Well, usually I'd agree.

- Why? What else has happened?
- I don't want to burden you.

Not when you've got to face your dad in
court and get pregnant in under a month.

When people are in need,
mothers spring into action.

Now what is going on?
I demand you tell me.

Well, I realised today that I've never
done anything meaningful in my life,

because...

- I nearly died.
- What?!

And you know how they say that
your life flashes before your eyes?

The only thing that flashed before my eyes
was the first time I used contactless.



I bought two cream eggs
and a Dan Brown novel.

And it wasn't even The Da Vinci Code.

So at least if I help you become a mum,

I'll have done one decent thing
that can flash past next time I die.

That's incredibly sweet, darling, but you
have skimmed over an important detail.

What?

Why did you nearly die?!

[whistling western music plays]

[Rani whispers] Greg!

[sheep bleating]

I am gonna pop it over there a second.

There we go.

Yeah, seems a good spot.

[audio from game plays]

Would you like me
to do the itinerary today?

I don't give a hot shart
what you do, mate.

[Rani] You testified what?!

We had no choice!

Some bent copper named Burgess
threatened my family.

That same copper confessed to
k*lling Smiler. Greg was there.

Yeah. I almost died.

This is what we found
in Smiler's lock box.

Is that real gold?

It's not yellowy enough to be 22,

Based on the weight
and the acoustic signature,

I'd say it's more like a... 18-carat...

What?

I was a shoplifter!

I almost died.

[Stan] Look, I'm worried.

It's 9:30 in the morning,
and you're drinking ciders

like you're on
The Real Housewives Of Taunton.

Who are you, my mother?

'Cos if you are, make me some breakfast
and stop borrowing my bras!

Ma'am, is this about Sergeant Haines?

Don't talk to me about filthy pigs.

Unless it's them. Alright?

Alright?

Now go and steal some petty cash

and get me a sausage sandwich
from the cafe

and another can of scrumpy.

Oh yeah, and there was
a homeless bloke around selling crack.

See if he's got any stock left.

Okay, don't say that.

It's not a homeless person selling crack,

- it's an unhoused person selling crack.
- Oh.

All right, well, less woke correcting,
more sandwich collecting.

All right? Go!

[Myrna] The only thing
on Smiler's phone is this.

[Smiler] Hey, baby. I know
you said it was a mad idea,

but I can't see no future where
we ain't looking over our shoulders.

So... I'm on my way
to meet the Brainbox.

And I know what you're thinking,

but if she can get us in The Dean's gaff
and we boost his hard-drive, he's done.

- What's on this hard-drive?
- Unclear.

[Myrna] But obviously Smiler thought there
was enough on it to bring The Dean down.

[John] Yeah. If we ever get this
bent copper off our backs, eh?

[door bangs]

Nobody...

Nobody mo...

No... Nobody, mo...

Nobody...

Move?

Yeah, that's right.

Now, you might just think
I'm a pretty face. Well, I'm not.

Don't say that, you just need
a bit of help with your make-up.

No. I haven't finished!

I'm not just a pretty face.

I am also one smart doughnut.

- Cookie.
- They both work.

And this doughnut knows exactly
what you've been up to, 'cos I planted

a bug up there and I've heard
every word of this conspiracy.

You, missy, are a m*rder*r

and you framed that drug dealer,

and I am your patsy.

And you've roped in all your cronies
to do it again to keep him in jail,

so you can take over his territory.

Am I right?

Oh, you're so close!

We want The Dean to stay in jail,
but not to steal his territory.

No. Just cos he's a really bad guy.

And I didn't m*rder anyone, okay?

I was set up by a dirty cop.

Yeah, a dirty, filthy little slag
called Sergeant Lucy Haines.

[spits]

[Rani] What? N...

No, Haines isn't dirty.

No. We were talking
about a fed from the Met.

What? Wait, wait. So what...

So Sergeant Lucy Haines
is as pure as the driven snow?

Okay. I've gotta be honest,

I've necked a few gliders for breakfast.

So I just need to check this is real?

- Hit me.
- What?

- Hit me.
- Oh...

My mum said never to hit a woman.

Or a man. On account of my weak wrists.

I am ordering you to hit m...

Aagh-ha-oh!

[Diana half laughing, half groaning]

Aah!

[inhales]

Thank you.

Pleasure.

I never doubted Sergeant Haines.

I wanna clear her name.
What are we gonna do?

Finish Smiler's plan,

break into The Dean's house,
steal the hard-drive.

Yeah, right.

We're not breaking into
a drug lord's house!

- Why not?
- Because...

he's probably got barbed wire,

and a... and a henchman
with an eye-patch and a metal hand!

Plus, we don't even know where he lives.

[Malaki] No.

But I do.

And his henchman
doesn't have a metal hand.

What about the eye-patch?

No, bruv.

Okay. So we know where he lives
but we do not know how to just go in

and take something that
does not wish to be took!

No...

But we know a man who does.

[horns honking]

[crowd of people clamouring]

Just to be clear, I take all the money

if I can do between
three and 400 push-ups?

Er, 600 says, "No way, Gramps!"

Oh, nice. All right?

- Let's see it.
- Okay.

Huh!

[all] One!

Two!

Three!

Four!

h*!

Err...
[crowd muttering]

Are you not entertained?

Hey! Hey! Whoa! Whoa!

You said you were gonna do
between three and 400.

Right, I won the bet.

You did four push-ups, bro.

Four is between three and 400, right?

[crowd groans quietly]

Sorry, folks.

Please take your money back.

Frank?

I don't pay you to shake down customers,
I pay you to make coffee, badly.

You pay me so badly I have to
shake down customers.

- That's not what I meant.
- [phone rings]

Just go answer the phone.

I'll be back.

Frank speaking.

Hi, it's Rani.

Rani!

Everyone's here, by the way.

How you doing?

- Hi, darling!
- Good, thanks, Frank.

I almost died.

I miss you.

All of you.

I'm wanted for m*rder,

and to prove my innocence
and stop The Dean from k*lling all of us,

we need to break into his house and steal

- incriminating evidence.
- Gotcha.

- How do we do that?
- So...

- You got a pencil?
- No, Frank, listen. Hey.

This is your mess too, okay?
You should be here helping us.

I wish I could, but... I'm stuck here.

In New York.

- You've still got 40 more hours to do!
- What are you doing there?

Er, I got some stuff...

brewing.

Hello? Excuse me.

Uno momento, please.

I'm helping some English people
burglarise a drug lord.

Rani, here's the grift.

There's this sweet number called
the Mario Brothers Manoeuvre.

[closing theme music plays]