02x01 - Body

[bunniefuu]

* Kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Oh, good Lord,

* it's a kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Change the channel for--

* For kids.

Today's very special

Wonder Showzen is brought to

you by:

the letter P,

Wind in a Can...

And broadcast in Victim

Vision.

When you hear the...

[whispering] Victim.

Strap on your...

[shrieking]

Oh, hey, kids.

[together] Hi, Chauncey.

Today we're going to help out

a special friend.

You may know about the letter P.

She's vulnerable right now.

We told her she was coming out

to sing.

Let's bring her out.

The letter P!

[together] Ew, gross.

Yucky.

Can I sing my song now?

We have something to

tell you.

Now, this isn't easy to say.

We all hate you, and we think

you're a stupid b*tch.

What?

It has nothing to do with the

fact that you are so

disgustingly fat.

Not 'cause of your blubbering

body, you big, obese behemoth.

I would never say that to you.

[sniffling]

Your revolting flesh.

You stupid, fat, dumb,

fat, hideous troll.

Ew, [bleep].

No likey.

I'm just a victim

of deliciousness.

It's called tough love,

you dumb sl*t.

Well, she needed to hear that.

It wasn't easy, but

we should be proud of ourselves.

We're courageous.

Screw that.

We're heroes,

heroes.

Isn't that short for

Hiroshima?

Someone who takes a b*llet

for the president

to the president.

America's greatest mirage.

All the soldiers who fought

for our right

to say "[bleep]" on TV.

Whoever dies for my cause.

A hero comes in many sizes

but only one color:

black as night.

Whoever k*lled my baby.

I know it has something to do

with the wind through my hair.

[wind blowing]

Who's that cross monkey?

Oh, yeah, Jesus.

Ooh, ooh, and--

[humming dramatic music]

*

* Let Mr. Body be

* your body buddy.

[squeaking]

Mr. Body, what do my

lungs do?

Well, let's take a look at

your lungs.

What are you doing, Mr. Body?

You can trust me.

I can't breathe.

Exactly.

You're learning.

[wheezing]

Now, watch this.

Don't I need those, Mr. Body?

[mockingly] "Don't I need

those, Mr. Body?"

I said trust me.

Watch this.

[hip-hop music]

*

Mr. Body, I feel weak.

Why you keep calling me

Mr. Body?

Isn't that who you are?

Naw, my name's Dennis.

[wheezes]

*

Victims!

You ever see a movie about

people who didn't want to be in

the movie?

Uh...

[blows raspberry]

Hi, I'm Clarence,

and I made a movie about people

who don't want to be in the

movie.

Hi, how you doing?

Hi, how are you?

We're making a movie.

Yeah.

Can you look right in the camera

and say, "Please don't film me"?

[chuckles]

Yeah, say that.

Say, "Please don't film me."

Please don't film me.

Yeah, but say it mad.

Get real mad.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, say, "No, no, okay,

I'm done."

Okay, okay, I'm done.

Please don't film me.

You didn't shake your fists.

You forgot.

Here we go.

One, two, three, go.

Please don't film me.

Is that as angry as you

can get?

Yeah.

Now say, "Get out of here.

Scram."

I got anger management.

Please get away from me.

Say, "My shoes are off."

My shoes are off.

"I'm eating fruit."

I'm eating fruit.

Get away from me, please.

Hi, can you just look in the

camera and say, "Please don't"--

[gobbling noise]

[air whooshing]

Yeah, look in the camera and

say, "No, no."

[gobbling noise]

Just say, "Yeah, no, I'm not

interested.

Why don't you go about your

business?"

Hey, man, why don't you go

ahead and leave me alone, okay?

'Cause I don't feel like being

bothered, okay?

Okay, that's good.

That's good.

Just say it like that,

just real mad, though.

Can you just say, "I don't like

my picture taken"?

I just said it.

Yeah, but say it real mad

like that.

Say, "I don't like my picture

taken."

Would you please stop taking

my picture?

No, that's--that's good.

Yeah, say it angry.

Hit the camera; smash me.

Oh, no, I'm done.

No, yeah, say that.

Say, "I'm done.

Get out of here."

I'm done.

Get out of here.

Yeah, say, "I'm sick of

this," but real mad.

"I'm sick of this.

Turn off the camera.

Get out."

You can stop now.

Would you like to make a

movie?

No.

Would you like to be in a

movie?

No.

Would you like to be a part

of a movie?

No.

Would you like to be involved

in the production of a movie?

No.

You don't get mad

no matter what happens?

Anger management.

What is--what is it?

Anger management.

What is it called again?

Anger management.

No.

Say, "Please, no, no, no."

No, no, please.

Say, "No, no, no, please,

no, no."

No, no, no, no.

Say, "No, no, no, please"--

Okay, okay.

Please don't do it.

Don't film me.

I'm taking it.

Okay--ow.

I got it.

Ahh.

I got your camera now.

Here you go.

I don't want his camera.

There you go.

I don't want to touch his

camera.

I'm eating fruit.

Get away from me, please.

No, no.

Here, you want your camera

back?

Now who's filming who?

Get the [bleep] out of my

face, please.

That's good, but can you say

it just more mad, though?

One time, real quick.

Pretend like you want me

to move it.

Move it.

That's it.

How do you deal with it?

Okay, enough is enough.

How do you deal with your

anger?

It was fun.

This guy's gonna have a--

How do you deal with your

anger?

Completely--

[bleep] you.

Yo, that's for the kids?

I don't give a [bleep]damn.

There's no kids here.

You want to see how I deal

with my anger?

Uh-oh.

Pick up a [bleep] garbage can

and throw it at you.

Get out of my face.

You want to ruin the puppet?

Oh, you ruined--

you tore my eye off.

Hey.

Get the [bleep] out of here.

What the [bleep] is that

[bleep]damn thing?

Okay, but act more mad--no!

Oh, too bad.

Where'd he go?

Hey, get away from me

with that g*dd*mn [....

I don't know where he is.

Uh, gentlemen.

I don't know where he went.

Scram-ay vous-ay.

Yeah, say that.

Say, like, "Scram-ay vous-ay."

Scram-ay vous-ay.

I said get out of here.

Get out of my face before I

break your camera.

But you already tore my

eyes off.

You want to see it?

You want me to see--

You already tore my--

You want to see something?

thud!

Gonna stab you in a [bleep]

minute.

Don't stab me with your four

hard inches of victimhood.

[whispering] Victim.

All right, Jordan.

Your mom hired me to get you to

kick your thumb-sucking habit,

you thumb-sucking maggot.

So pull out that thumb

and grow up.

Grow, maggot.

Grow, maggot.

Grow.

Now you grew too much.

Lose weight, you flesh victim.

Lose weight.

Thank you, Chauncey.

Well, I got the results back

from the lab, and it turns out

you're a hideous troll.

Oh, God.

It's not your fault.

You're a victim.

[whispering] Victim.

And I can take care of your

little problem with this:

the DeVictimizer ,

finest liposuction machine in

the business.

Look how tender.

Look how wonderful.

Say hi to papa.

* Sometimes in life,

* you just know it,

* and if the feeling

* ain't right,

* you ungrow it.

* They can suck out

* your fatness.

* Your ugliness.

* But you can't suck out

* your P-ness.

[harp music]

I'm pretty now.

I'm perfect, and I never want to

see that ugly fat again.

Throw it in a dumpster.

[echoing]

ding!

Order up.

Later that night...

[snoring]

You k*lled me.

You k*lled me.

[gasps]

How'd you get in here,

you hideous troll?

Let me back inside your body.

Don't think so.

I'm pretty now.

I'm perfect, and I'm going to be

a pop princess, you revolting

beast.

I'm a victim

of maliciousness.

It's called tough love, you

dumb sl*t.

[together] Have you seen my

sister?

She died.

Get your hunger in a

headlock.

I'm hungry, ese.

And if your hunger is still

eating at you...

Give me some food, homes.

Curb your appetite.

splat!

Hi, I'm a cool guy

getting into physical business

on the body politic at the Miss

Connecticut pageant.

[faux newsreel music]

* Kids on the beat.

* Kids on the street.

I'm a beautiful lady.

* Beat Kids.

The sub-mentals are about

to enter the building.

The talent portion is how much

she had to puke to fit in that

dress.

Would you kick a pony in the

face to end world hunger?

I don't like to abuse

animals.

So you're going to let

millions of people starve for

just one stupid pony?

[whispering] Victim.

High five.

Thanks.

I think I know why the

t*rrorists hate us.

All right, ladies, it's time

for your Miss Connecticut Trevor

group hug.

[giggling]

I think I need mouth-to-butt

resuscitation.

[together] Oh, no.

I might go to jail.

[laughing]

Do you drop a deuce before

you go onstage?

Not in this dress.

High five.

Yeah.

Which one of you here is the

smartest?

Anyone?

[wind blowing]

The girls here are about as

real as this plastic tree.

[smooching]

[moaning]

Sorry, baby, I gotta go.

I--I'll miss you.

[sniffling

Maybe I'll call you.

Maybe I won't.

[wailing]

What did you do with that

bowl of soup?

Bowl of soup?

The one you got free with

that haircut.

[wind blowing]

I have a feeling that three of

the contestants here were dudes.

[deep voice] I don't

think so.

That's totally a dude.

Check out his junk.

It's official.

These girls are / of the way

to the pole.

girls, and somewhere,

frat guys are missing their

punching bags.

Come on, baby.

Do it 'cause I love you.

[thumping]

What do you think about

Kierkegaard's notion of

identity?

[wind blowing]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Cry, cry, cry, cry, cry.

[crying]

High five.

I just picked up dog poo with

my bare hands.

High five.

I got my money on the one

in blue.

Yeah!

Lynch the winner.

Lynch the winner.

Lynch the winner.

[expl*si*n]

Breaking news at this hour.

Pretty Perfect Pop Princess

letter P is under fire

for undergoing liposuction

by the Right to Lard movement,

who are threatening to blow up

lipo clinics throughout the

country.

She just sucked out the life

inside of her and dumped it in

the trash.

That fat was a part of her

body, and it has rights too.

Who is she to play God?

She thinks she's George Burns?

She should burn.

But we come united in one

course, and that is to end the

slaughter of the innocent.

I believe that every life is

precious.

With back-alley liposuction

on the rise, letter P has

introduced the portable

LipoBuddy .

I'm too pretty to be

victimized by those protesters

anymore.

And it's because I care about

them that I must say to them:

You hideous trolls.

Don't you see the hypocrisy?

You fat idiots.

Slutbags, look into your hearts

and into your toilets,

and you will see that there's a

little part of you that you

reject and abandon every day,

the true victims.

My God.

She's right.

Listen up, you stupid, dumb

b*tches.

And so at this hour,

the newly formed organization

known as the Dumb Fat b*tches of

America have embraced the waste.

The self-described movement

movement has learned to cherish

all things from their bodies

as an equal part of humanity.

It's a gift from God.

Love me.

* Immigrants can do

* anything,

* assimilate,

* and they're following

* their dreams.

Hi, my name is Lebe.

I'm delivery man.

* They can be doctors.

Hi, my name is Angel.

I am delivery man.

My name's Oscar.

I am delivery.

* They can be lawyers.

My name is David,

and I am a delivery guy.

* Scientists.

Hi, my name is Lee Phok Yu.

I'm a delivery man.

* Uhh, judges.

Hi, my name is Johnny.

I am delivery man.

* They can become

* regular people.

My name is Francisco.

I'm delivery man.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Oh, hi.

Look both ways before you cross.

* You're becoming

* a woman.

Ahh!

Help, I'm dying!

* Don't worry.

* You've just had a visit

* from Aunt Flo.

Aunt Flo?

Huh?

Thanks for letting me out.

Stinks like porridge in there.

What's happening?

Ah, it's % natural.

If anyone ever tells you

different, sock them right in

the beans and rice.

You're going to live with me

from now on?

Nah, I'll just pop by once a

month to stir things up.

Take my hand.

I'll show you.

What is this place?

We're up inside your

womanhood,

and I've only known you two

minutes, you little sl*t.

What's happening here?

Those are the Ovarians,

cooking up your eggs.

You like them sunny-side up

or doggy style?

I like it--ow.

Those are the Crampies.

[chuckles]

And them's the Hormone brothers.

They're building your emotional

roller coaster.

Is that my maturity?

Nah, that's just a churro

stand.

One, please.

Yeah, you can buy novelty

visors, key chains, T-shirts.

There's a dunk tank,

Guess Your Fluctuating Weight

booth, a ragtime band.

Yeah, it's gotten pretty

commercial ever since the

tourists found out about this

place, you wh*re.

whack!

Ow!

What was that for?

Ah, quit crying about

everything.

What's the matter, your time of

the month?

Ha-ha, good one, huh?

It's all so strange.

I'm late.

I'm late.

I'm going to get you.

splash!

My hero.

No, don't kiss him.

Nooooo!

I'm melting.

I'm melting.

* You're a woman now.

[whispering] I'm a woman now.

I'm a woman now.

I'm a woman now.

[whispering] Victim.

Victims!

I'm just so ugly.

* No one to love me.

[phone rings]

Sorry, I got to take this.

* So lonely.

Hello?

Not bad, just my actual's having

a rough night.

Yeah.

She got kicked out.

Love me.

Who's that singing?

Love me?

Love me.

Love me.

Love me.

Love me.

Oh, love me.

[gagging

All right, Dante.

Your parents told me that a

black kid will never have a

chance in a white man's world,

so I want you to be white,

maggot.

Be white, maggot.

Become white.

Become white.

Can I hug you?

Sure.

But I don't want to look.

I don't want to feel.

[sniffling]

Don't make fun of people in

wheelchairs.

Ha-ha, hey, Frankie,

get a load of the gimp, ha-ha.

Yeah, his legs are, like,

Ret*rded and whatnot.

[laughs]

Mocking the disabled just

makes you look like a stupid

ret*rd.

Yeah, go back to Africa.

Yeah, I want my mama

and what have you.

And that can have terrible

consequences.

Ahh!

If you're gonna make fun of

the disabled, do it behind their

backs.

Brought to you by K.A.R.E.

[chuckles]

And now back to the Victies.

[cheers and applause]

This year's nominee for

prettiest victim are:

Kwackers 'da Fun Duck,

Poopers 'da Poodle,

and Lady Liberty.

[wind blowing]

And the winner is

write-in entry dark horse,

the letter P.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Now that I'm, like, the

prettiest victim,

I'm, like, no longer the biggest

victim, but I have the perfect

plan to end all world suffering

in my own pretty way.

I am pretty.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

And so the letter P plans to

drop weight--her weight--

onto the needy nudniks

of this wicked world.

I don't know how to tell you

this, sweetie, but I've been

drafted.

Love me.

I've been called to be served

by my country.

Mahh.

But I have to do my duty.

First, you better do this

doodie.

But before those people eat

me, I want--

* You'd eat me, baby.

* You'd eat me.

* Whoa, you'd eat me.

Eh, not bad.

You say there's a monster in

that lake.

I say the monster is man.

We got to spend the day with

the police.

I found out police g*ns

taste like candy.

Yummy.

That cop was so drunk,

he waved traffic into his pants.

I hope that badge is

bulletproof.

I love a man in uniform,

except the janitor.

They make me sick.

They clean up that sick,

then they all, like,

kissy-kissy.

Look, a pig on a hog.

Oink, oink.

Bang, bang.

Ha-ha.

That's the car where they

keep the bribes.

"Car , we've got a black

man minding his own business

downtown."

That cop was looking for a

place to take a dump.

He looked in his wife's

mouth.

Why they always make the

black cop stand in the middle of

traffic?

Scrape the justice from between

your hooves.

Cops sell justice by the

pound.

And deliver justice by the

pounding--pound, pound, pound.

The nice policeman escorted

the black man.

That's the ghetto.

Yay.

Be careful.

Some bad people dress up like

policemen.

The best thing about

imitating a cop is,

it's nice and legal.

Cops have an itchy trigger

finger, and black people help

them scratch their itch.

That cop pushed me off of my

bike, then he gave me a massage.

Then gave me a facial.

This is how a cop sees a

Mexican.

[whispering] Victim.

"Ooh, I'm a helpless lady.

I can't even work a car."

Ladies shouldn't be allowed

to drive.

"Why not?

We're equal."

You're not equal.

You're not even real.

You're just my female alter ego.

"You--your what?"

Shut up.

[punches landing]

Why are there bruises on me?

Police, I've been attacked by

the lady within.

He gives her a jack.

And vice versa.

Meanwhile,

on the other side of town...

[yelling]

Well, maggots, looks like

tough love saved the day,

right, scumbags?

[together] Yay.

I can't hear you, morons.

[together] Yay!

Louder, you dumb b*tches.

[together] Yay!

That settles it.

Show's over.

Not till you get a load of

the hot P.

Wiggity, wiggity, wha?

boing!

[wolf whistle]

This show ain't over till

the skinny lady sings.

I'm going to feed the world

with everything that's sucked

out of my P-ness.

* Gonna feed the world, girl,

* give them their first taste,

* let them eat our waste.

* Gonna feed the world, girl.

* Here's my second chance

* to have a little fun.

* Gonna feed the world, girl.

* Some will stay alive.

* Third world, take a bite.

* Gonna feed the world, girl.

* Eating my guts so there's

* peace on the earth.