02x05 - Science

[bunniefuu]

* Kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Oh, good Lord,

* it's a kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Change the channel for--

* For kids.

Today's Wonder Showzen is

brought to you by science, the

inner child...

[warped voice] Richard.

And bring your slaughter to

work day.

Oh, hey, kids.

Hi, Chauncey.

Today it's the science fair.

Yay!

And someone's gonna win the

trophy for best project.

Yay!

And I'm gonna be the judge.

[cricket chirping]

Aw, screw you guys.

[cricket chirping]

Have that cricket m*rder*d...

in my slaughter-torium.

Wow.

First up, we got Him.

What's your project, Gump?

Him make grow ray.

All right, how does it work?

Me show you.

[electric buzz-snap]

That's not a grow ray; that's

a shrink ray, you subnormal

hump.

Gold no shrink.

Stay same size.

Grow ray make rest of world

grow big.

Oh, perspective?

Back to the dumb-ing board.

Okay, Sthugar.

What you got?

I made a hat that's powered

by sadness.

[melancholy violin music]

*

Typical.

Well, what you got, Turdsworth?

It's pronounced Wordsworth,

Chauncey.

And I have invented a machine

that can record dreams.

I made a tape of my dreams from

last night.

I'm gonna k*ll you,

Wordsworth.

I'm gonna chew your soul.

I'm gonna tear you apart.

What I did was translate

neural-optical firings into

computer codex images.

Jesus isn't Christ,

Nerdsworth, that's what you

dream about?

Oh, it's totally accurate--

typical dream one would have on

an average night.

That's not typical.

That's so frightening, you win.

Here's your trophy.

What, what?

Wow, look at that.

Oh.

kiss, kiss

Now Sthugar will finally notice

me.

kiss, kiss

Oh, my God.

You have treasure trophy.

I steal the treasure trophy...

Wha--how'd he do that?

He's the pure physical

manifestation of my psyche's

deepest aggression.

Don't let that pure

aggression push you around,

nut smoker.

Kick his a*s.

Be a man.

You can't make me.

I have my own free will.

I'm gonna make you be a man

if I have to change your mind

with your fist, ese,

'cause I'm loco.

Pero me no gusta muerte.

The military tries to cover

it up by calling it heroism.

Well, I know you stop

wiping.

I wanna be buried in my own

heavy syrup.

I wanna go out swinging from

the giving tree.

Then I wanna vomit in the loving

cup.

I'm too cute to die.

I subscribe to the Cherokee

attitude to death: me drink-um

fire water.

Let your inner child laugh in

the face of death.

[echoing laughter]

Always treat your body like a

temple.

Ignorance is bliss.

Hey, toots.

Ooh, who are you?

[troll-like chuckle]

Do you believe in the

American dream?

Yes.

[quietly ]Say no.

No.

Emma, don't just do what

you're told.

[quietly] Say okay.

Okay.

All right, now let's watch

this.

Hi.

I'm Clarence, and today I'm

talking to people about the

American dream.

Hi, what are you dreaming about?

An American dream?

Wake up.

What are you dreaming about?

Oh.

What are you dreaming about?

All right.

Is this your American dream?

Sorry.

Did America steal your

dreams?

I'm hungry.

You dream about hunger?

Hi, hello.

Hi, what are you dreaming about?

What you dreaming about?

Hi, what are you dreaming about?

Go the [bleep] away.

I'm having a migraine, so I

was just trying to get some

rest.

Oh, you're having a migraine?

Yeah.

You--no, I don't believe it.

You're having a migraine?

What is it?

Okay, a migraine headache.

[loudly] Oh, I know what

you're talking about.

Right.

A head-ahche.

Yeah.

A head-ahche.

What are you seeing?

Are you seeing gold pieces?

[muttering]

Are you riding on a little--

I'm all right; I'm all right.

Tiny, little boat?

I'm all right.

Just big enough for your

foot?

How do you solve it?

I just, you know, have some

peace and quiet.

[loudly] Just a little--a

little peace and quiet.

Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds pretty good

right about now.

Yea-yeah!

Little peace and quiet, kids.

Hey, kids.

Hey, kids, this guy got a

migraine head-ahche.

What are you dreaming about,

little guy?

What are you dreaming about?

Don't do that.

He's sleeping.

Well, what was he dreaming

about?

Well, we want to find out his

dreams.

He is sleeping.

Tell me what he's dreaming

about right now.

Please, he is sleeping.

I am from the government, and

I need to know.

What are you dreaming about?

Go the [bleep] away.

I can't hear you, what?

Get the [bleep] out of here.

What the [bleep] is your

problem, dude?

We're trying to figure out

what you're dreaming about.

Get the [bleep] out.

Get the [bleep] out.

What you doing with the

camera?

Would you get the--

Is that the American dream?

That's the American dream.

What?

An a*s[bleep] like you.

Put everything out of your

mind.

I'm gonna sing you a lullaby.

* Go to sleep

* and-a belie-e-e-e-eve

* in the Amer-r-r-ican dream.

* Go to sleep.

[pitch rises]

* Chocolate and cheese.

* Chicken...

[high-pitched voice]

[lens shatters]

Okay, kids, I think he's all

better.

Good-bye.

I and I find this cartoon

guilty of m*rder, man.

Once upon a planet,

when a boy must become a man...

* Just a-roaming

* through the country,

* my best dog at my side.

* We're gonna be together

* for all time,

* just Dusty and me.

That there dog's got rabies,

boy.

You're gonna have to

put him down.

When becoming a man

inherently means k*lling the one

you love.

I can't do it.

I just can't.

Or maybe some little boys

don't become a man.

They become wussy little girls.

I ain't no girl.

I just is scared.

Scared?

Young q*eer says, "What?"

What?

Oh, so you admit it.

You admit you're a q*eer.

And you're a girl.

That makes you a l*sbian.

Difference is, a l*sbian acts

like a man.

Do it, boy, or you'll be a

l*sbian.

Okay, I'm doing this 'cause I

loves ya, Dusty, and 'cause I

don't wanna be no l*sbian.

[g*nsh*t]

Well, all right.

The l*sbian learns the code of

the country: Be a man.

I got you a little critter to

fill the hole in your heart.

sh**t, you got your scent on

her.

You're gonna have to

put her down.

I'm doing this 'cause I love

ya, old hamster I just met.

[g*nsh*t]

Dang, that there's a nasty

wound.

Gonna have to put her down.

Doing it 'cause I love ya,

old leg stump.

[g*nsh*t]

Whoops, got some blood on my

best overalls.

Put her down?

[sobbing]

I love ya, weird guy's overalls.

[g*nsh*t]

[bell tolls]

[sobbing] I loved you most of

all, toasty-fire.

When only a man can help a

man become a man's man,

sometimes in life, a life lesson

lessens life.

Clem, when you buried Dusty,

his rabies done tainted the

water supply.

This whole town's poisoned.

Use my blade, boy.

I doin' this 'cause I love

ya.

I doin' this 'cause I love ya.

I doin' this 'cause I love ya.

I doin' this 'cause to be a man.

Be a man. Be a man. Be a man.

Be a man. Be a man.

Be a man. Be a man.

[dog barking]

Dusty!

Looks like old Dusty didn't

get k*lled by that buckshot

after all.

And his rabies done cleared up.

Therefore, I will have no good

reason to retroactively goad my

young self to become a man.

Man, leave this lesbie alone

for two minutes, and he murders

half the country.

Scronk, hernk, honk.

Skurk.

Come see the c-c-comedy of

the summer, Dusty the

T-t-talking Dog.

Man, man, man, man...

Shh.

[softly] All right, Him.

We just gotta get inside

[loudly Turdsworth's]

[softly] brain and take hold

of his free will.

And then we'll make

[loudly] Nerdsworth

[softly] fight that monster.

You got your grow ray, dumb a*s?

Him say oui.

[electric buzz-snap]

Whoo.

I gotta take a leak.

And Him thirsty.

Ah, ah, ah!

Oh, oh.

What?

Oh, I seem to have wet the bed

twice in one night.

Oh, that's much better.

Now Him hungry.

Him wonder if peanut guy come

by.

Him, no peanut guy is gonna

come by in the anals of

Wordsworth's brain.

Now, let's find the control

center to this puppy.

Come on.

* Let Mr. Body

* be your body buddy.

Tell me about the brain,

Mr. Body.

Well, Henry, the brain is the

sexiest part of the body.

[ominous music]

*

[crying]

See?

Thank you, Mr. Body.

No prob.

Waa-pa-pwa.

Well, according to this brain

map, we're in the short-term

memory center.

We just gotta take a ride up to

"hippo" and "campus," and we'll

be in good shape.

We'll just check this map.

[all repeating]

[noise increases]

What happening?

I'm just messing with your

head.

Yowzer.

I better tell Dr. Palm these

a**l impotence pills are finally

working.

[techno music]

* We're all

* in the same game,

* and we're gonna

* win the Super Bowl

* 'cause we're feeding

* all the starving folks

* in the world.

f*gg*t.

* We're taking it back.

n*gg*r.

* We're taking it back.

Spic.

* We're taking it back.

Women.

* We're taking it back.

My inner child.

* We're taking it back.

* Greasy wop monkey,

* goom-ba-boo.

* Greasy wop monkey,

* goom-ba-boo.

* Unity and love,

* fist like a glove

* that needs a sweet hug.

* Hug-a-hug-a-hug.

Jews are greedy.

* We're taking it back.

Lazy Mexicans are needy.

* We're taking it back.

Hiding behind apartment.

* We're taking it back.

Creepy twins.

* We're taking it back.

It back.

We just have to cross through

the bowels of the subconscious,

through the tunnel of repressed

memories.

Come on.

You'll never be clean.

You'll never be clean.

You'll never be clean.

You'll never be clean.

Never be clean, never be

clean.

Mommy!

Oh, mm.

Oh, oh.

Never B Clean shampoo:

It's O.C. De-lightful.

And now, peace of mind.

[laughing]

boing, boing!

Hi, I'm Goofers McWhacksalot,

and I'm at Ground Zero asking

people:

* Kids on the beat.

* Kids on the street.

* Beat kids.

* Beat kids.

How do you think laughter

helps us heal our sadness?

Well, I think we need

laughter to carry on every day,

bud.

It's what makes the world go

round.

Can you tell us a joke?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Stop crying; we're supposed

to be laughing.

I'm crying because this is

the site of the greatest tragedy

that ever happened on American

soil.

Can you tell us a joke to spread

smiles?

If you ask me in minutes,

maybe I'll be able to tell you a

joke, but at the minute, it's

just--I'm hit by the enormity of

it all.

Well, that's not a very funny

lady.

Do you know what's

terrible, man?

Is, I entertain for a living,

but I don't tell jokes.

I just kind of improvise stuff.

Improvise something funny.

Five, four, three, two, one, go!

Fire, fire in the hole.

Fire in your pants.

You're a hot guy.

You're joking about fire on

Ground Zero?

Well, you just knocked down the

Twin Towers in my funny bone.

We should send you to Camp X-Ray

for bombing at this place.

Can you put on these glasses and

tell us how you feel about this

place?

I'll give it a shot.

Okay.

I feel it's very--it's very

sad, very depressing.

Probably never will forget

it.

Devastation.

Do you know any jokes?

Any jokes?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Phyllis.

Phyllis who?

Phyllis a glass of water.

Can you "Phyllis" in on why

that is supposed to be funny?

Because you say, "Fill us a

glass of water."

Can you Phyllis in on why

you don't get the fact that I

just totally burned you?

Can you tell us a joke to

spread smiles?

No.

But I can give you my hat if you

want.

Okay.

zip!

Ah.

Can you tell us a joke?

I can say that I come to New

York City, and I brought my New

York Dummies book so that this

dummy can get around New York.

To talk to you, I'm gonna

need a ret*rds for Dummies

book.

That's absolutely accurate.

I don't get it.

Why didn't it happen in Mexico?

Why?

Oh, yeah, they don't have any

tall buildings.

Build, Mexicans, build!

Give me your thoughts on /,

and we'll just punch it up with

wacky sound effects.

Horrible day, go down in

infamy.

boing! cuckoo! chime!

Bin Laden trying to do his

stupid mission...

pop! ah-ooh-gah! rattle!

Blowing up buildings, k*lling

people--horrible.

G-g-g-g-good-bye, folks.

Let's roll.

[engine revving]

Find your inner child.

[echoing voice Richard.]

I'm running out of sadness,

and I might crash.

Quick, watch this.

caw!

Thank you so much.

The brain control c*ck's

right through here.

Come on, let's go.

Welcome to the center of the

brain.

You may enter the c*ck of the

mind only after you have

answered this question:

Who laughs in the face of

death?

I don't know, huh.

Um...

[warped voice Richard.]

Richard?

Correct.

You may have full control to

manipulate this mind and body.

Oh, I think I know how to

work this thing.

See.

Wordsworth!

Wordsworth, can you hear me?

Wordsworth, come in.

What's happening?

It's me, Chauncey.

What are you talking about?

I'm in control of you,

Nerdsworth.

Watch.

Uh.

I'm gonna make you fight that

jerk.

No, Chauncey, don't.

I can't do it!

Yes!

No!

Yes!

No!

Wish I had a trackball in

this mother[bleep].

You're a baby.

If you want to grow up and be a

man, you have to fight like a

man.

Grow up and be a man, man.

Don't listen to peer

pressure.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Peer pressure can make you do

things that you do not want to

do.

Go talk to that girl.

Go talk to that girl.

Go talk to that girl.

He did it.

Sweet.

Fall in love and get married.

Fall in love and get married.

In fact, don't listen to

anybody who tries to tell you to

do anything, ever.

Awesome.

Because a real friend would

never talk to you.

Work hard to provide for your

loving family.

Work hard to provide for your

loving family.

Cool-iosity.

Whoo!

Raise your kid to be a

respectable part of society.

Raise your kid to be a

respectable part of society.

True friendship is as silent

as a casket.

Die with dignity.

Die with dignity.

Die with dignity.

Peer pressure will k*ll you

every time.

Stick it in my rump.

Stick it in my rump.

Don't listen to peer

pressure.

Don't listen to peer pressure.

Don't listen to peer pressure.

Don't listen to peer pressure.

Breaking news at this hour.

We have just received word of a

story that until this moment has

remained as unbroken as my

wife's hymen.

At this very second, the

physical embodiment of a nerd's

aggression is running rampant in

the streets.

The police have called in

mini choppers, which the beast

is swatting away like my wife's

advances, and using their

-million-volt Taser cannon,

which he is nonchalantly eating

like the delicious wife my

breakfast has never prepared.

Hey, beast!

Well, what is this?

I'm gonna cream your cheese.

No, I'm not, Chauncey.

Is this some coded message

from my wife?

I'm gonna feed your a*s to

your groins.

Chauncey, shut up!

Prepare to scarf my knuckle

hoagie.

He doesn't look hungry,

Chauncey.

I'm gonna put you to bed,

mama's boy, a bed filled with

your own corpse.

boom!

Mommy, oh!

Body blow, body blow!

Now Sthugar will finally

notice me.

Devastation.

This guy got a migraine

head-ahche.

I get it, Sheila; I get it.

Uh, it didn't work out.

Hey, computer, what goes on

inside of an egg?

A magical world.

Yummy, omelets.

* Girls, we work hard too.

* Girls can work

* just like you.

* Girls can do anything

* guys can do.

* Girls are doing it

* and doing it and doing it

* and doing it and doing it

* and doing it and doing it.

* A girl could even

* sing this song.

It takes a true man to walk

away from a fight.

Oh, God, we're trapped in a

dork's corpse.

This is just how my dad said I'd

end up.

Why didn't we have an exit

strategy?

Maybe we put on wide-angle

lens.

Wide angle lens, how--what's

that over--

Hey, there it is.

That worked, huh?

Go figure.

Ah!

Brain worms!

They're closing in.

Uh, stink of rot dead flesh.

Oh, make Him so hung'y

Oh, Him so hung'y.

Hey, peanuts.

Over here.

Hey, get your peanuts.

Over here, peanut guy.

Hey, peanuts here.

Peanuts!

Hey, peanuts?

Yeah.

Here you go, peanuts.

Oh, I thought you'd never

come.

Mr. Inner Peanut Guy, how do

we get out of here?

Only the child spirit can

jump-start the heart.

Peanuts here!

The child spirit?

We gotta get--

[warped voice Richard.]

I'll do it for you, but you

have to give me the one thing

that my heart has always most

desired: one peanut, peanut...

No take Him's peanuts.

That's not part of deal.

Oh, come on.

Just give him one peanut, and

I'll give you a whole bag of

peanuts when we get out.

One nut in hand worth two

nuts in bush.

You got deal.

* Be a man

* and rise from your grave,

* 'cause death is for babies.

Ah!

I've never lived through a fight

before.

I did it!

I'm a man.

Now Sthugar's gonna love me for

sure.

[electric buzz-whip]

We did it.

We saved Señor Fluffenstein.

meow!

crash!

Sthugar, what are you doing

with him?

We're getting married.

She's the only one who could

tame the beast.

I figured if I married this

jerk, I'd be sad for the rest of

my life.

Sadness is safety.

Bye, kids.

* Good-bye, farewell,

* au revoir, adiós. *

* We hope you enjoyed

* the show.

* I'm gonna get you.

* I'll k*ll you.

* I'll get you in your sleep,

* and I'll invade your dreams.

* I'll k*ll you.