02x14 - Alzheimer's That Ends Well

[bunniefuu]

Ever since my evil stepmother
turned my vag*na into a monster,

I felt like people were disgusted
by me and my octopussois.

Oh, god!

I had to give up my dream of being
crowned Miss toddler beauty queen

after they added the
thong competition.

Hi, mom!

Even the time I visited the
circus was a total disaster.

Step right up and see the
fantastic never vomit guy.

Ooh, I got to see this.

Gosh darn.

Why, oh, why can't I have a
normal temple of chastity?

[SIGHS]

[RUMBLING]

What the...

Princess Clara, you
have been selected

to receive an extreme
vaginal makeover!

This is wonderful.

Hey, it's that d*uche
bag, Ty pennington.

Ooh, check it out.

I just got this
new wind-up ducky.

Its feet actually paddles
through the water.

Ooh, let's try it
out in the bathtub.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Huh?

[GASPS]

Why are you k*lling
yourself this time, Toot?

It's my birthday, and
nobody remembered.

I'm old and fat and ugly,
and everybody hates me.

Hmm. Maybe people hate you because
you won't get out of their bathtub

so they can play
with their duckies.

Aah!

Eww!

I actually felt awful we
forgot Toot's birthday.

We had to do something
to cheer her up.

Oh, hey, hero, I was thinking

maybe we should throw Toot
a surprise birthday party.

If we're all gonna shout
out what we're thinking,

I've been thinking about paying a
prost*tute to shove bowling pins up my a*s.

ANNOUNCER: To fix
Clara's vag*na,

we brought in the esteemed Dr.
Wooldoor Sockbat

who specialises in weird
vaginas and Armenian noses.

Clara, this com-Pu-ter

will help us choose the
right type of vag*na for you.

CLARA: Mmm. Mmm.

No. No. No. No. No.

No thanks

uh-uhh. I don't think so.

No. No definitely not.

Hmm. Oh. I'll take that one.

Let's begin by
anaesthetising the patient.

ANNOUNCER: To restore princess
Clara's vag*na to human form,

Clara was to undergo
several procedures:

Vaginal laser resurfacing,

labial botox,

quadruple pie-pass,

fallopial suction,

a poon-tang-ectomy,

vulva veneers,

a frontal lay-botomy,

collagen lip-plants,

a queef muffler,

a fresh coat of taint,

a hot beef injection,

and quite frankly,
a shave wouldn't hurt...

When extreme vaginal
makeover returns.

Surprise!

Duh. What did you guys do?
What's going on in here?

She doesn't seem to
know what's going on

when it's clear this
is a surprise party.

Maybe her age is finally
catching up to her.

Well, she is from the '20s,

which would make her...

Uh... um...

Uh...

Um...

Uh...

Uh...

Um...

This is from all of us.

Oh, my god. What is it?

She don't even know
what presents are.

Oh! A picture of a vase.

That is obviously a picture
of 2 people's faces.

What is wrong with her?

Toot wasn't herself.
She was confused.

She was disoriented. It
can only mean one thing.

Toot has the Alzheimer's.

Oh!

Glove.

Light.

Scalpel.

And now for the first incision.

Clara's surgery went well

with a few minor complications.

Aah!

Aah!

Ohhh!

Aah!

[GROANING]

g*n.

ANNOUNCER: When we return,

we'll reveal Clara's
brand-new thing-a-ma-gigi.

Old age had caught up to Toot,

and her brain was going fast.

We didn't know what to do.

Mrs. Braunstein,

maybe this party is a bit
much for you right now!

Perhaps you should go to bed!

Why? It's only 6:00.

She's a terrible,
terrible burden on us all.

We discussed the
situation at length

until we all agreed we
had to do the right thing.

Later!

[GROANS]

Seriously, I don't belong here.

I don't have Alzheimer's. Ouch!

Don't worry. You'll forget that.

Here's the rec room

where you'll forget the last
days of your miserable life.

[CACKLING]

[MUTTERING] [GROANING]

[GARGLING]

[FARTING]

Please. Please don't leave
me with these crazies.

All clear.

What the h-e-double fried
mozzarella sticks is going on here?

ANNOUNCER: And now that
we've returned, this happens.

Oh, my goodness.

My whites-only drinking
fountain is just beautiful.

Sorry, fellas. We can't
show you Clara's pink sink.

Don't blame us. Blame the FCC,

which stands for f*ggoty,
c*ck blocking, clam f*ck.

Whee!

I thought you were all
Alzheimer's old farts.

Ah, no. Our brains
are fine and dandy.

Alzheimer's disease
doesn't really exist.

We old folks just made it up

so our families would put us
in these here nursing homes.

The fools.

You guys are faking alzheimer's
just so you can live here?

Why the f*ck would
you wanna do that?

♪ You'll get a
fun-filled dose of meds ♪

♪ I'm the lizard king ♪
you certainly are.

♪ A coloured nurse will
sponge your rear ♪

♪ I'm a g*dd*mn
mess down there ♪

♪ Be as mean as you want
to the underpaid help ♪

If you don't like it,
go to college, paco.

♪ I'll really love
being abandoned here ♪

♪ Eat in bed ♪

♪ Get spoon-fed ♪

♪ Each and every meal ♪

♪ Jell-o cubes, feeding tubes ♪

♪ Is this place for real? ♪

♪ No need to deal with
snotty grandkids ♪

Yeah! I hate those
little b*stards!

♪ All your responsibilities
will disappear ♪

Later, tampons!

♪ If you like free
drugs and cake ♪

♪ The alzheimer's is great ♪

♪ You'll really love
being abandoned here ♪

♪ Alzheimer's ♪

♪ It's fake ♪

So, you see, Mrs. Toot,

you must never
reveal our secret,

or we'll have to leave this
place and contribute to society.

You mean, if I fake
the alzheimer's,

I can even crap anywhere I want?

That's right, Toot.

It's just like living on
a Japanese schoolgirl.

I was overjoyed with my
beautiful new faith flower.

And then I noticed that it
looked a little... Well, plump.

Just to be sure I asked
for some other opinions.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[GASPS] It's adorable!
What is it?

Now, you gots a fine
lookin' flesh sangwich.

I didn't care what the choriental, the
sodomite, or the ethiopite had to say.

I knew my church door was
too fat and I had to fix it.

But, Clara, there's nothing
wrong with your giggi.

You fix my crotch stigmata
right now, or I'll sue.

Go ahead. I'll just counter sue.

Well, I'll hire the
smartest Jew in jewtown.

Well, I'll hire the
smartest Jew in the Jew S.A.

Well, I'll hire the smartest
Jew in the Jew-niverse.

[GASPS] You'd really hire a.
Goldblatt from space shuttle 34?

[SIGHS] I guess I'd
better do the operation.

[GROANING]

[LAUGHING]

[MUNCHING]

[SLURPING]

[BELCHES]

All clear.

Wow. You're good at this.

You seemed crazier than all of us
while that orderly was in here.

What orderly?

[RINGING]

Hello.

Hey, Toot, it's for you.

He sounds q*eer.

What do you want?

Hi, Toot.

We just wanted to make sure

they're taking good care of you.

They're taking better care
of me than you assholes.

as*h*le? No, no, no.
It's Xandir.

Remember me?

You must be confused
because of the alzheimer's.

You g*y-t*rd. Alzheimer's
isn't even a real disease.

So screw you!

She has revealed the
alzheimer's secret

and has broken the Gray code.

She must be eliminated.

Are you sure?

Gary broke the Gray code and we
just made him sit in the corner.

I said eliminated!

Dr. Wooldoor did a great
job fixing my husband hole.

Oh! I just adore it.

It's so much slimmer now.

Wait. What's that?

That's just a freckle.

Sweet Jesus. Get rid of it. Now.

Relax, Clara. Lots of
pussies have freckles.

Like Ron Howard.

Fix it. Fix it. Fix it!

[SIGHS]

So I performed yet
another surgery

on Clara's wormhole
to the crab nebula.

It's just gorgeous.

Wait? Are those crow's feet?

Fix it!

I spent weeks working on
Clara's hairy homentashen,

but she kept finding
new problems.

Now it's too pink.

Too squinty. Too wide.

Too shiny. Too hairy.

Too slimy. Too upside down.

Too tight. Too pimply.

Too country kitchen.
Too invisible.

Too dimensional. Too pock.

Too cavernous.

[ECHOING] Cavernous. Cavernous.

Cavernous.

Finally, I've done all the plastic
surgery that was humanly possible.

This is it, Clara.

Your vag*na can't
handle any more surgery.

I hope you like the results.

Aah! It looks like Joan rivers!

Who are you wearing?
Who are you wearing?

Who are you wearing?

Life at the old-age
home was pretty sweet.

I was wiping away
my miserable past,

which was the only thing
I had to wipe by myself.

My new senior friends even
got me a birthday present.

Oh, my god! What is it?

Ooh! A brand-new, shiny walker.

Vroom! Vroom!

♪ De, Na, da, da, da, Ne ♪

♪ Ba Na Na Na ba Na Na Na ♪

Uh-oh.

My brakes have been cut. Help!

Please help!

You should've kept your
mouth shut, mister.

Eeh! Eeh! Waah!

Eeh! Eeh!

Eeh! Eeh! Waah!

Eeh! Eeh!

Aah!

Waah! Eeh!

Aah!

Well, that's the last
we'll see of her.

No one could ever survive a 10-foot
fall into the trampoline garden.

[GRUNTING]

Nice try, geezers,

but Toot don't die that easy!

Waggh!

[GRUNTING]

So long, suckers!

She's getting away.

Don't worry. We'll find her,

even if we have to check
every five and dime,

speakeasy, vaudeville theatre,

lead paint store, and
n*gro baseball park

in all 42 states.

I have an even better idea.

[LINE RINGING]

Hello. Bobo fett?

The problem with Clara's
lox box was very common.

Too much plastic surgery
often results in Joan rivers.

Honey, can we talk?

Fix it!

I'm sorry, Clara, but I wouldn't
dare attempt more surgery.

You wouldn't want it to look
like Kevin spacey's vag*na.

Look, can't you just put
my original one back in?

Well, I could do that.

But your old octopussois
is sort of... Gone.

What do you mean, "gone"?
What happened to it?

Well, he's moved on, Clara.

Here's all the
information we have.

Leap...

Frog.

Leap...

Frog.

Toot.

Those old farts cut the
brakes on my walker.

They're trying to k*ll me!

Whoa. Wow. Her alzheimer's
must be getting really bad.

You'd think she'd forget
to eat a couple of meals.

Am I right?

Don't worry, Miss Braunstein!

We'll take good care of you.

[WHEELS SCREECHING]

Later!

Who are you wearing?
Who are you wearing?

Can we talk? No. My daughter
doesn't wanna play fetch.

My new vag*na was insufferable.

So I went to the
address Wooldoor gave me

to track down my
old octopussois.

Clara?

Please, I need you back.

My new vag*na is
too much to bear.

Oh, I'm sorry, Clara, but
I don't wanna go back.

That surgery was the greatest
thing that ever happened to me.

I found a new confidence.

I went back to college.

I got my real estate license.

I married a beautiful woman.

Turns out a 38-year-old Jewish
woman will marry anything.

Someday I may even
have children.

Now, how many
vaginas can say that?

Why couldn't my experience with plastic
surgery have been as good as yours?

Because you didn't
know when to stop.

2 pieces of advice princess,

1, you won't want to change your
body if you learn to love it.

And 2, when you wipe,
it's front to back.

(COUGHS)

An important lesson was learned
that day on winsteria lane.

Even the slimiest c**t can
get a job in real estate.

We came back from
the nursing home,

knowing they were taking
good care of what's-her-name.

Oh, Toot left her old fogey-slash-lazy-
fat-white-trash-person

and wal-mart scooter.

Oh! Look at me. I'm old.

I don't know what DVDs are.

Huh. That's odd.

Oh, wait, Spanky. Aah!

The fat pig has been eliminated.

Aah!

Toot was telling the truth.

The old people are
trying to k*ll her.

Oh, this is all our fault.

We gots to save her.

No living thing can survive

in a nursing home pool.

[CACKLING]

Help!

I'm gonna die!

♪ Da da da ♪

I couldn't believe it.
I was about to die.

My life flashed before my eyes.

Nothing can possibly
save me now.

[ENGINE ROARING]

ALL: Yee-ha!

We're here to rescue
you, Miss Braunstein!

We believe you now!

You don't care about me.

You were the ones
who put me in here,

and then you made a fat joke.

That's not true.
That's the fat talking.

We are so sorry, Toot.
We believe you now.

But I guess it's too late.

We can't let them live.

Let's shuffleboard
'em all into the pool.

Move! Move! Move!

In you go!

No!

Hey! Is you crazy?

Talking vaginas might be perfect
for some people, like Eskimos

but my vag*na had become
a horrible burden.

I realised I had
no other choice.

Your annoying vag*na
will be very happy here.

Ow! What the f*ck.

What the...

Help! Help! Clara, save us!

Oh, what's this? A casting
call for dawn of the dead?

I haven't seen
this much Gray hair

since I diddled Joan Collins.

That gal is a hoot and a holler.

I love references
to dead celebrities

nobody cares about anymore.

[COUGHING]

So you're so old, the
last time you got laid,

you wore a dinosaur-skin condom.

Oh, my god.

Clara's vag*na is k*lling
off them old b*stards.

You people are so old,

you're wasting our nation's
health care resources.

Come on, guys.
This is our chance.

Let's go.

Ah, guys, thanks for being there

for an old broad like me.

Oh, don't thank us.

Thank Clara's house
at poo corner.

Glad I could help.

You know, I think I'm
beginning to like her.

I just wish I could get her
to shut up once in a while.

Just do what the Foxxy do

and stick this up in
your ketchup dispenser.

Who are you wearing?
Who are you wearing?

Who are you... [GASPS]

Ah, thanks, Foxxy.

But how do you know
when to take it out?

Take it out?