02x04 - Claws/To Helga and Back/Cover Boy

[bunniefuu]

1, 2, 3, hyah!

Baby.

Sassy.

Man, i'm pretty.

Hyuh! Ha! Hyuh!

Do the monkey with me.

Come on.

Hey there, baby.

Ooh!

Yeah, whatever.

[whistling]

oh

[whistling]

oh

[whistling]

oh

Gruff voice:

Hey, shove over!

I'm breaking out

of here.

Oh, yeah.

Come to papa!

Ah! Sweet freedom.

Come on, boys.

Let's make a run for it.

What's wrong

with you guys?

Ah, you're pathetic.

Think of me when you're swimming

in bisque, you losers!

Man: No.

Where do you think

you're going,

little fellow?

I ain't going back,

You lousy 2-legged

freak of nature!

Ooh! Ooh!

Well, you have to

catch me first!

Come here,

you little--

Whoa! Ooh!

[struggle continues]

You stinking little--

Hey, lady,

Where do you keep

them fish sticks?

Sorry. Only

fresh fish here.

Aw, too bad.

I was planning

on fixing up

A special

saint swivens day

dinner for my mama,

And she likes them

little fish sticks.

OhWell, only

the best will do

for your mother.

Why don't you

buy her a nice,

juicy lobster?

Lobster? That

come in sticks?

Say, you're

in luck.

We're having

a special today,

2 cents a pound.

That's a little rich

for my blood.

Oh, that's

all right.

You can

pay me later.

Here you go.

Have a nice day.

But i--

Thanks

for coming in.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

You say something?

I said

Bon appetit.

[pop]

Page 57,

"how to cook a lobster.

"there are many ways

to prepare a lobster.

"you can cut them open and stuff

them with bread crumbs

"boil them alive

"or freeze them

into lobster cicles

For a summertime treat."

Yoink!

Ow.

Hey, you.

You throw that?

UhNo?

Good.

Whoa. Hey,

wait a minute.

Lobsters

can't talk.

Oh. Well, uh

I'm a magic lobster.

Yeah, that's it.

And i'm here to grant you

a23 wishes.

Yeah.

HmmWell, i've

always wanted

One of them

6-foot hoagies.

Oh!

Come on. Come on.

[panting like dog]

What's that, boy?

Timmy's in the well?

Oh, you need

to go out.

Hey, wait a minute.

I know what's

going on here.

You're trying

to sneak out

Without

your leash.

Hold on.

I don't have a--

Ooh!

Dog.

[stairs creaking]

Congratulations!

You've won the publishers

sweepstakes bonanza!

No kidding?

Oh, mama!

I ain't never won

anything before

in my life.

Hey, wait a minute.

Let's get

a picture, buddy.

Smile!

Ooh!

[thump]

Ooh!

[crash]

[lobster groaning]

This might pinch a bit.

Oh!

Uh!

Ooh!

Aah!

Uh!

Ooh! Uhh! Aah!

That'll teach you

to mess with crustaceans,

Mr. "ooh, look at me,

my skeleton's

on the inside."

Ptoeey!

Now johnny's angry.

You're not going to

act so smart

When you're

red and boiled,

you stupid mollusk.

And by the way,

i don't think you

are a magic lobster.

No, kid, don't.

This ain't you.

Look in your heart.

Look in your heart.

Sorry.

Saw that movie.

[groaning]

Get in the bucket,

You stupid lobster.

Mama: Oh, johnny!

Johnny, what have you

done to my house?

Oh, mama. I was just

trying to fix you

a nice lobster dinner

For saint swivens day.

Oh, that's

so sweet, johnny,

But you know shellfish

makes me swell up

like a balloon.

Why don't we

go out for dinner?

It's on me.

I'd like

the fish sticks

au gratin, please.

I'll have the

chicken-fried

chicken.

And for your

little friend?

Give me a rump of cow,

and i want to hear it moo.

I'm late for my foxy

boxing class, johnny.

Now, there's a box

of your favorite cereal

In the cabinet, honey.

But, mama, i don't

know how to cook.

You can do it, silly.

You're my clever

little boy.

WellTime to go.

Mwah!

Calm down, johnny.

It's only breakfast.

You can do this.

MmmFrosted sugar bits--

The great taste

of frosted sugar in bits.

"free gift inside!

Pour into bowl

and add milk."

Oh, man, this is trickier

than i thought.

Huh?

Man: Greetings,

lonely guy.

Tired of being dumped by women

from your own country?

Beautiful international

women are willing

To lower their standards

to meet you today.

Just call 1 800-l-a-d-y.

That's 1 800-lady.

Johnny: Give me

that phone.

Hyah!

Man: Hello, and welcome

to babe phone.

To meet a babe,

press one now.

Congratulations.

Please allow 6 days

For your companion

to arrive.

Johnny: 6 days?

What am i going to do

for 6 days?

Dang.

Who's in seat 7a?

Oh, another lucky

exotic companion

headed for america.

Dang.

Dang.

[doorbell rings]

You johnny bravo?

If i wasn't,

could i do this?

Hyah! Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah!

Impressive.

I have a package

for you.

Sign here, please.

Aw, mercy, this is

going to be good.

Hello, mail-order

sweetie-pie.

So pleased

to meet you.

I'm giving big hug!

I-i-i think there's

been a mistake.

I ordered a babe.

No mistake.

Johnny ordered

companion,

And here

i am being.

Hyah!

Well, i

I changed my mind.

So let's go find you

another crate to--

Ooh! Uh!

You are being funny.

Helga like a man

with sense of humor.

No, i'm serious.

You really got to

leave Now!

Helga knows

what problem is.

Johnny is

afraid of love.

Johnny's afraid

of spinal injury.

[kissing sounds]

Hey, johnny,

look what i have--

2 tickets

to steel-cage wrestling.

Carl, great

to see you, buddy.

Sorry. I didn't know

you had comp--

Oh, she's beautiful.

Carl, you got to

help me.

How do i get rid

of helga?

I don't know.

Just do the same thing

You do to drive away

all the women.

Intimidate them

with my dazzling

good looks?

No, johnny.

Take her out

On the worst date

of her life.

HmmThat's

not a bad idea.

Give me

those tickets.

Ok, good-bye,

johnny. Good--

Come on,

burly mama.

You and me are

stepping out.

Oh, good.

The courting.

Am trembling

like little girl.

Pound him!

Pulverize him!

I hope you like crowds,

loud noise, and dirty fighting.

I go almost

every night.

Announcer: And now, steel-cage

wrestling's main event,

The audience challenge!

A year's supply

of tube socks

To anyone

who can go one round

With our house

tag-team of doom,

The surly accountant

and the substitute teacher!

Don't make me send you

to detention.

[crowd booing]

If you never want

to see me again,

i'll understand.

Are you kidding?

We can beat

Those girly-armed

canvas jockeys.

Come on!

Whoa!

I think it's time

for an audit.

I hope you saved

your receipts.

Not the face!

Not the face!

Aah!

Johnny: Could you get

your spine out of my eye?

It's trash

taking-out time!

This could go on

your permanent record.

1, 2, 3.

The winner!

Is best time

i ever have.

Where we go now

on date?

So, you, uh

Like it?

Ooh, it's delicious.

Just like stepmother

used to slip

under door.

More raccoon nuggets,

kids? Ha ha!

Please, mr. Pops.

Say, where'd you find

this one, johnny?

She came

in a box.

Ha ha! She's

a keeper.

By the way,

Here's a complimentary bottle

of clam juice

From that handsome fella

at the bar.

Excuse me.

Why, you little

pencil-neck

casanova.

What do you mean

by muscling in

on my date?

I thought you

didn't like her.

I don't like her.

At least, i didn't

think i liked her.

On the other hand,

i never met a woman

quite like her,

A woman who likes

everything i like.

She may not

be pretty.

She may not

smell too good,

ButCould it be?

Is johnny in love?

Who are you

talking to?

Shut up, clown.

It's time to turn on

some of the old

johnny bravo charm.

Hee! Ha! Hyuh!

Hey, baby, how about

we climb on that

tractor of love

And reap a big old

bumper crop of johnny?

Johnny, what has

gotten on top of you

all of a sudden?

You make with

the crazy talk.

I know that you're

worried that i'm much

prettier than you,

But maybe the kids

will look like me.

Now pucker up

and let's do

the face tango.

Pig!

Is it something

i said?

Helga make a big mistake

ever liking you.

Come, skinny.

You know how to treat

A large woman

of indeterminate country.

The only girl

i ever really loved,

And she's gone.

I wonder if i'll ever

get over the--

Hey, nuggets!

Yummy.

Announcer: Welcome to

the chess match of the century--

Johnny bravo

versus the supercomputer.

What's this

horsey thing again?

It's a knight.

Can i move here?

No.

King me.

There is no

"king me" in chess!

Hey, look at me.

I'm a martian.

Anyone up

for parcheesi?

[applause]

Woman: This year's

hot fashion theme

Is "everything daring,"

With clothes

for the naughty milkmaid

Who yearns for

a dollop of elegance

When the workday's done.

Udder hats

and live farm animals

Are the hot

accessories du jour.

This little number, made

from low-cal cottage cheese,

Will make the farm boy

in your man say "yeeha."

Man, them high-fashion

model babes

Make me all sweaty-like.

You should be

a model, johnny.

I ain't no chick.

They got

male models, too.

Male models?

15, 25, 50, 51, 52--

Why would i want to

be one of those?

Because then

you'd get to meet

and hang out

With all

the lady models

you like so well.

HmmI am pretty,

And my skin's

kind of silky.

I'll do it!

HeyI found

the remote!

It says here to be a model,

you need a portfolio.

What's a portfolio?

A portfolio is

a book of photos

That showcase

a model

In a variety

of poses.

I did a little

picture-taking myself

When i was a w*r correspondent

back in the big one.

Why, i remember it

like it was yesterday.

Me and the red guard toe to toe

on the 38th parallel,

Smoke all around,

machine g*ns blaring--

[imitating machine g*n]

Johnny: Pops.

Enemies to the right.

Enemies to the left.

The stench of fear

in the air!

Pops!

Huh?

Settle down.

You got the job.

Ooh, great.

We'll sh**t at dawn.

Hey, these green, leafy

surroundings are perfect.

They'll really bring out

the red in johnny's blood.

Carl: Uh, pops?

There's

no blood here,

just clothes.

Oh, uh, right.

I don't see

why i have to wear

These stupid

safari clothes.

Because, johnny,

manly and rugged

is in this year.

Well, all right,

if it makes me look

manly and rugged.

Now, give me

my makeup.

Hey, ready

when you are, johnny.

Ok, pops,

try to keep up.

Hyah!

Pops: That's it.

Hold it.

The camera

loves you, son.

Ok, bring it.

Work it, baby.

Give me beefcake, johnny.

That's it.

Hold it.

Ah, that's some

sassy stuff, johnny.

Uh-oh. Nobody look.

Hyah!

h* h* h*

Pops: Good luck,

johnny.

Johnny: Thank you

very much.

You come in here

with mount fuji

on your nose

And expect me

to put you

on the runway?

You're fired.

You cannot fire me.

Where are you going to find

another size-52 regular

By tonight's show?

Baby, i'm here,

and i'm pretty.

You're hired.

Righteous.

Gaze upon me.

I am a professional

pretty boy.

[gasp]

[shivering]

I am sickened

but curious.

Hi, johnny.

Carl has a bad case

of poison ivy.

Ow! That stings!

No. Impossible.

This is my special

Low-sodium corn chowder

with aloe.

I must have gotten it

on yesterday's sh**t.

I hope you don't

get it, johnny.

No way.

I'm too cool

To be hurt

by a plant. Hyah!

Say, are you

hungry, johnny?

No, thanks, pops.

Us models

Got to watch

our girlish figures.

Well, later. I got

to go make pretty.

Later, johnny.

Ha ha!

That's funny.

I feel like

A thousand

angry fire ants

Are gnawing

at my skin!

Woman: It's a glorious night

for the fashion world

As designer tango

prepares to unveil

His sizzling new

fall line.

It's showtime,

my pretty people.

I know you will have

a delicious show

Wearing the fabulous

clothes of tango!

Oh, mama. I make

this junk look good.

Hey, skinny,

how about you and me

Getting dinner

after the show?

I only date actors.

I'm pretty.

You're pretty.

What do you say

we go home and stare

at each other?

Only actors.

Actors.

Please. Here we go.

Places, my pretties.

Make tango proud.

Wow. That is

very, very nice.

Yes.

Don't hate me

because i'm beautiful.

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

Huh! Ha! Hyah!

Do the monkey.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

[sobbing]

No! This can't

be happening!

Tango is having

a nightmare!

Aah!

Stop! There is

no scratching

In the show

of tango.

You terrible man.

Ooh, i hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

Oh!

Son, i direct

tv commercials.

You're perfect

for a spot i'm

sh**ting tomorrow.

Together:

Ooh, an actor.

Announcer: We'll come back to

when cats behave,

After these messages.

So, johnny,

Now that you're a famous

commercial actor,

What are

your next big roles?

Thought i'd tackle

the classics,

Maybe do one of them

chimp movies.

Quiet, everyone.

Johnny's commercial is on.

Johnny on tv: Hi.

I'm johnny bravo,

And whenever i break out

over my entire body

With scaly,

disgusting red welts,

I seek fast,

soothing relief

With fred's skin balm.

AhCreamy.

So, for those

bodaciously bad rashes,

Get fred's skin balm.

It works.

Announcer: This has been

an actual itchy, disgusting

person, not an actor.

In fact, if he were an actor,

he'd probably stink.

I'm famous.

Kiss me.

Must have rushed off

to buy my skin products.

I'm pretty and persuasive.