03x11 - A Walk on the Stupid Side/Lone Star Bravo/Enter the Chipmunk

[bunniefuu]

Baby.

Sassy.

Man, i'm pretty.

Hyah! Ha! Huh!

Do the monkey with me!

Come on!

Hey there, baby.

Ooh! Ah!

Yeah, whatever.

Johnny: It's been 3 days

since the fourth wall collapsed.

I cling feebly to life.

SuddenlyA shaft of light!

Freedom beckons

If i can only

Yes! I live!

I am the miracle baby!

Uhh!

Hey, there's still a slice

of pepperoni left.

Hi, johnny.

Aah! Angel of death!

I thought i'd eluded

your grasp. Oof!

No, johnny.

It's me, susie.

I come bearing

a wonderful opportunity.

Oh, no. I ain't buyin'

any more junk bonds

off of you.

No, johnny.

I've come to ask you

to take part in

The annual walk

against baldness.

Sounds fascinating.

Go away.

All you have to do

is get someone

To pledge money for

every mile you walk.

The longer you walk,

the more money you raise

to fight hairlessness.

So why don't you do it?

I would, but i'm

still tuckered out

From last week's

trot for liver spots.

Let's see.

Walk in the hot sun

for a bunch of bald guys

For no good reason

Uh, let me think

about it.

I'll have my people

get back to you.

Did i mention that

the race is being organized

By a group of concerned,

shapely supermodels?

I'll do it!

Good! And i'll be

your first sponsor.

Put me down for

a penny a mile.

What?! I gotta walk

a whole mile?

Oh, johnny, you have

such strong calf muscles.

I'll do it!

Sir, are you here

to sign up for

the race?

Oh, yes.

I think it's wonderful

to give one's time to

such a worthy cause.

Yes. I'm very anxious

to walk against the bald.

For too long,

they've infiltrated

our schools,

Filling our children's minds

with their dangerous notions.

I don't think

you understand.

Say, baby, how about

after this walkathon,

You and me have

a loveathon?

Here. Let me pin

your number on.

167?

Hey, that's my lucky--

Aaaaaahhhhh!

And here.

You'll be needing this.

So, is this the map

to the stupid race?

You know, sweet cakes,

if you want to see me

again sooner,

You could show me

the shortcut.

Good idea.

See this part

Where everyone else

goes straight?

You go left.

Sweet!

So, if i win,

you'll go out with me?

I'd rather eat

live sea urchins.

Ooh! Uhh!

Sounds good.

You make the reservations.

I'll be back

before you can say,

"hey, that guy's back."

Bang!

[duck quacking]

So long, suckers!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ah, the agony

of the fallen arch,

The drama of the

painful blister.

If there's anything

more exciting than

a 1-k walkathon,

I don't know

what it is.

Something's wrong.

I can feel it.

A mother knows.

Tv announcer: And so

all the runners are in

Except for one clueless schnook

who took a wrong turn

And walked 3,100 miles

off course.

So, i make

a right at the

saguaro cactus

And keep going

past the butte?

What an idiot!

I think it's safe to say

That the only people

stupider than this guy

Are the people

who sponsored him.

Ha ha ha!

What a bunch of dupes!

Carl, we all

sponsored johnny.

And if he keeps

going at this rate,

We're gonna owe

$3.6 billion.

Aah! That's more than

$3.5 billion!

We've got to stop him!

Ok, kids, let's split up.

Maybe i'll goThis way.

There seems to be

a little flooding along

the walkathon route.

Hi, johnny!

Carl, what are

you doing here?!

Johnny, you're in

the middle of

the pacific ocean.

You've gotta

turn back.

And stop the walk

against baldness?

Oh, i get it.

You're in with

the bald people!

What did they offer you?

Gum? Nylons? Tiny radios?

I'm sorry, johnny,

but this is for

your own good.

Air jets. Cool!

Drat! I failed.

Chow dog

to mother hen.

I've lost

the target.

Mama: You can't do

any more there, carl.

Return to base.

Ok.

Johnny: Oh, no!

Those bald people built

a 1,000-mile wall to

keep me from finishing.

The engineering skill

of the bald is highly overrated.

Mama: Johnny,

over here!

Mama!

You must be hungry

after your little walk.

How about a bloating, heavy,

sleep-inducing meal

That'll stop you

in your tracks?

No time, mama.

It's about

a little thing

called perseverance,

A little thing

called endurance.

A little--

ooh, egg rolls!

You must be exhausted,

darling.

Let's call a cab,

and i'll take you home.

No time, mama. Anyway,

i'm feeling kind of peppy.

Got any fortune cookies?

Ok, too bad. Gotta go.

I don't believe it!

70 pounds of shrimp

in black bean sauce,

And he's still going.

Wait a minute.

These aren't black beans.

They're coffee beans!

It's like some horrible

sitcommy mix-up.

Susie: Small fry

to mother hen.

Small fry to

mother hen.

Target is now entering

african continent.

Mama: You've got to

stop him, susie.

You're our last hope!

You can count on me!

[tarzan yell]

[johnny gasps]

A herd of giant,

leather-skinned

bald men!

I'll have to

wrestle them

To the ground

one by one.

I'd better change

my socks

To improve

my traction.

[grunting]

Ok, come at me!

Hyah! Ha! Huh!

Huh?!

Oh, that's right.

Sure, run away.

You're just a bunch

of baldy bald guys

Wallowing in

your own balditude.

Aah! Pygmy! Aah!

We failed.

I'll have to sell the house.

Don't worry, mama.

Debtors' prisons aren't

the horror they once were.

Here comes johnny.

The finish line!

I knew that if i continued

to persevere--

Susie:

Johnny didn't make it.

Now we don't have to pay

$3.6 billion.

[johnny snoring]

Mama: Let's get you

to bed, little man.

Gentlemen, our worldwide

conspiracy continues.

Man on tv:

Oh, after me

pot o' gold, eh?

Taste clover, paddy!

Second man on tv:

Oh, my gold! Ow!

Ooh, begorra!

Oh, me eye! Oh, dear!

Oh, that's unpleasant,

ye filthy potato eater!

Johnny: What?!

No more video games,

johnny.

You know

thursday night

is our time.

But, mama, i was playing

battle leprechauns.

Aah!

Come on, young man.

You know spending

quality time together

Is the only thing

that keeps us from

Tearing

each other apart!

Oh, all right,

As long as we don't look

at family albums again.

Let's see.

How about edition 12,

volume 846?

Oh, uh, mama, i just

remembered my appendix

burst, so i'd better--

Park it, young man.

Now, let's see.

Ha ha ha! Look!

Here's your

great-great-uncle

benedict bravo

Betraying us

to the british.

And here's your

distant cousin

vasco da bravo

Setting out to discover

the fountain of youth.

Here he is years later,

old, poor, and friendless.

Johnny:

What's that, mama?

Oh, my! That's

the badge belonging to

Your great-grandpappy

lone star bravo.

Yeah, that's great.

Well, i'm gonna go

get a taco.

Sit down, young man.

It was an untamed time,

Filled with greed,

lawlessness,

And skinny deputies

with high, nasal voices.

Man:

Citizens of moist rock,

As y'all know,

the last 54 sheriffs

Have been girlie-slapped

and run out of town

By the vicious hombre

salad fork dan.

Who will step forward

and bring the rule

of law to our town?

And be the 55th

dang fool sheriff?

Why, a fella'd have

to be plumb crazy.

Hee hee hee!

Hee hee hee!

Aw, come on, people.

I'll throw in

this free canvas tote bag.

I'd love to

help you out,

deputy,

But salad fork dan's

the saloon's

best customer

And a darn good

tipper.

Oh, woe is us!

Where, oh, where is the brave,

handsome lawman

Who will take our town back from

salad fork dan?

[johnny humming]

Johnny, would you

stop singing that

annoying song?

Now, you wait here

while i run in

And fetch them fancy

support garments

i hear tell about.

Now's my chance to meet some of

them frontier honeys.

Huh! Hyah!

Well, slap my saddlebags!

Hey, tall, dark,

and buckskinny,

How about we go

back to my home

on the range

And i show you

how the deer and

the antelope play?

Ooh!

You know, that's why

chicks will never get

the vote.

Hey there,

burly mountain man.

Want to be sheriff?

No way.

My mama told me about you

fast-talking city folk

Taking innocent mountain men

and making them sheriffs.

Oh, too bad.

Chicks dig sheriffs.

I'm in!

Well,

that was easy.

Let's clean

this town up!

All right, you.

I'll give you till sundown

to get out of town.

[neighs]

Oh, all right.

I'll let you off

with a warning.

[g*nshots]

Oh, no!

Look at all these

tumbleweeds!

You know, i guess we just

can't have nice things

around these here parts.

Keeping the peace gives me

a powerful thirst.

Hey, barkeep,

Sarsaparilla,

and keep 'em comin'.

Hey there, new sheriff.

Care for a little game

of chance?

Sure, pops.

Guess which hand

the silver dollar's in.

I'll give you a hint.

It's the left hand.

UhLeft!

Too bad.

Better luck next time.

I'm just not lucky.

Man: Where's

the new sheriff

i heard about?

It's salad fork dan!

He's the guy who did in

all 54 of your predecessors!

Now, see, that's

a bit of information

I could have really

used before i took

the job.

Do somethin', sheriff!

Right.

Aaaaaahhhh!

Well, look what

we got here.

Moist rock's got itself

a new sheriff.

Sheriff? Oh.

Oh, you mean the star.

No, no, no.

I, uh--i just like

to accessorize.

There's only one thing

i hate worse than a sheriff.

And that's when

you order a poached egg,

and they break the yolk,

And it's all gettin' on

your bacon.

And then there's that piece

of parsley on the plate.

And i'm like, "why would

i want to eat a tiny tree?

What am i, some kind

of dang monkey?"

Uh, where was i again?

You were about to get on

a train to chicago.

Right. Ok, bye.

Be sure to write!

[train whistle blowing]

Oh, boy. Look at all

the tall buildings!

Hey!

Say your prayers,

sheriff.

Aren't you gonna

tuck me in first?

Well, ok. I--

Ohhhhhhh!

Stop! I won't let you

hurt another sheriff!

At least, not in here

around all this glass

and period furniture.

I guess

you're right.

Sheriff, i'll meet

you in the street

at high noon.

Ooh, that's no good for me.

How's 3:00?

Ooh!

Noon it is.

Ha ha ha!

Spinny.

[sniffing]

Mmm.

[whistling]

[chiming]

Ok, lunchtime.

I brought cheesesteaks.

I hope you brought the chips.

Oh, no, no, no.

This is finger food.

Look. I'll show you.

Grrrrr!

[hoofbeats]

[bugle playing charge]

Mama:

Drop that fork!

Dang!

Mama, you brought

the cavalry!

Yes. Well, i never

gave up my commission

in hooker's regiment.

Take him away,

boys!

Our town is saved!

Ma'am, how'd you like to be

our new sheriff?

But what will

johnny do?

Uh

He can be spittoon boy

at pops' place.

Spittoon boy?!

No way.

I'm outta here.

It'll help you

meet chicks.

I'm in!

And that's how the bravos helped

settle the west,

Where they crowded the plains

and performed low, menial tasks.

Johnny?

Not now, mama.

Only 3 more leprechauns,

and i win the gold shillelagh!

Of course, the gene pool

has shallowed out a bit

since then.

Narrator: Thus we see

how man has evolved

To realize his ultimate

modern potential.

Hyah! Huh! Hyah!

Hey, how come

he gets a banana?

Aah!

Mmm. Banana.

[monkey

screeching]

Man: Hello, children.

Welcome to the headquarters

of the zammo toy company,

Where we research

and develop some of

your most cherished toys.

Don't touch

anything!

At zammo

headquarters,

Our aim is

to develop the

brand loyalty

That turns you all

into mindless

and obedient drones.

Johnny:

I won't stand for it!

It's outrageous!

The jujitsu chop on

this g.I. Jim doll

is much too weak.

Observe.

See? That should have

easily blunted your skull.

I demand my mama's

money back!

And now, the toy sensation

that'll make me rich--

I mean, bring happiness to

all the world's children.

I give you the crazy wheels

remote-control race car!

[beep]

[siren]

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, i know what

you're thinking.

He'll forget all about

the jujitsu chop

As soon as his

short attention span

Kicks in and--uhh!

Hey, toy cars!

Watch as i demonstrate

the turbo-torqued

Power parallel

parking action!

Johnny: No, no, no.

You're doing it all wrong.

Stop, you fool!

Push the throttle to 11!

Set the controls to

the heart of the sun!

[tires screeching]

[children screaming]

Whoooooooooaaaa!

Uhh!

Whoa!

Uhh!

[high-pitched voice]

i love you, fluffy unicorn.

[deep voice]

i love you, too, sally.

Can i brush your hair?

Johnny: Gangway!

Burdock,

what's going on?

Why does this fella

have remote-control

cars on his feet?

Uh, i'm sorry, sir.

I'll call security immediately.

Security, nothing!

Why don't you call

the guy

Who makes the medals

for great ideas instead?

I love it!

Son,

i don't know you,

And i'm not familiar

with your work,

But i'm gonna make you

a vice president!

B-b-but, sir

I'm busting you

back to coffee boy.

Now, if you'll

excuse me,

I have

a ballet lesson.

tra la la la la

i'm the vice president

of a toy company

i'm the vice president

of a toy company

Oh! Whoa! Uhh!

Ooh, laugh now,

my big-haired friend,

But soon i, trent burdock,

will be top dog ag--

Hey, coffee boy,

stop muttering

to yourself

And get me

a cappuccino.

Yes, sir.

12 noon. Ha ha ha!

I guess that stupid buffoon

isn't going to show.

My position with this company

is secure.

Well, i'm here.

Hyah! Ha!

Let's get started.

UhYes, sir.

I thought

i'd spend today

Teaching you about

the ins and outs of--

Get out of my chair,

then make me a cup of

coffee with 8 sugars.

Then throw it out

and make it again because

it's still not sweet enough!

Ok, but let me remind

you that if you don't

come up with

A new toy idea by

the end of the day,

You'll be fired!

What?! And lose

my reserved parking space?

Look! It's

It's mr. Happy pencil

And his friend

A magic box of paper clips!

What child in his right mind

wouldn't want one?

Carl: Hi, johnny.

I heard you were

zammo's new wunderkind,

So i figured i'd come by

and pitch some amazingly

cool toy ideas.

Behold the joy and wonder

ofThe single-piece

jigsaw puzzle!

Too hard.

Nobody can solve that.

Then how's about

Baby's first lettuce farm?

Just break the lettuce up

and watch them create

their own society.

Look, they're pollinating

the queen.

Yeah, that's fascinating.

You've been a great help.

Wait! I haven't shown you

mr. Radish face!

Aah!

Well, what have

you got for me?

I'm afraid

golden boy here

has laid an egg.

Is that a mr. Radish face

you're holding?

Hello, guy who makes

the medals.

Call your friend

who makes the trophies.

Thanks.

It was all my idea,

Along with the one-piece

jigsaw puzzle

And baby's first

lettuce farm.

Look, they're pollinating

the queen!

Kid, you're a genius!

If you can come up

with a big hit for

the holiday season,

I'll adopt you

and make you my son!

Sweet!

Now, focus group,

you hated tommy deer tick

with bloodsucking action,

You despised

the refried bean babies,

And you simply loathed

happy time watch-and-learn

drool cup.

So let me know

how you like this one.

I give you slick-and-sassy

travel iron

With hot steam action.

[steam hissing]

Remember, the blue button means

you like it,

And the red button sends

a surge of electricity

through your little bodies.

Fine. Then be gone,

all of you!

That's right.

Get out of here!

Ha ha ha ha!

I'm afraid

you don't figure

to be in the action

At this company

come christmas,

eh, johnny?

Why, you little--

wait a minute.

ActionFigure

Johnny!

That's it!

I'll make an action

figure of myself

for the holidays!

What could be

more magical

Than getting

the gift of me?

You, get me some tea!

Then throw it out

and get me some coffee.

I hate tea!

Now, let's see.

If i were a toy,

what would i look like?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you the hottest

toy sensation

Of the christmas season--

The johnny 3000!

[applause]

Say, thanks.

Gimme another!

I'm pretty!

[crowd oohing and aahing]

Johnny, your toy is

the hit of the convention.

I have half a mind to

hollow out my body

So you can live

inside me!

UhRight.

By the way,

i couldn't figure out

how to make 'em go,

So i just used

the destructo chips

from the g.I. Jim doll.

[people screaming]

Did i mention

it was his idea?

Aah! Get 'em off me!

Whaaaa! Aaahhhh!

I love the holidays.

Look out.

Whoa, mama!

Ah, babe!

Mercy!

Whatever.