03x14 - Lord of the Links/Bootman/Freudian Dip

[bunniefuu]

One, two, three, ha!

Baby.

Sassy.

Man, i'm pretty.

Do the monkey with me!

Come on!

Hey there, baby.

Yeah, whatever.
[crash]

Sweet!

Hey, pops!

Dollar chili

and keep it coming.

Sorry, johnny,

we're closing up

early tonight.

Really? Why?

Where are you going?

We were gonna go

Chase butterflies.

Not chase butterflies!

We've gotta see

What's his name?

Over at

The place!

Right, the place.

[laughing]

Strange, squirrelly behavior?

Secret handshakes?

They must be going to meet

danish chicks!

I'm gonna follow them!

[knocking]

The sum of the whole

is equal to the square

of the parts.

The sum of the whole

is equal to the square

of the parts.

I like pie!

A yule seeing eye

of the seventh sun

We are one with the flaky

crust of all that is.

For we are

the brotherhood of the gnu.

Gnu, gnu, gnu, gnu

Ok. Cider's ready.

Here, brother,

quaff deep

From the elixir

of fellowship.

Thanks. So, uh,

ven do da danish chicks

show up, you betcha?

He's danish! Get him!

[punching]

Get off of me you

gnu-hat-wearing yahoos!

Johnny! What are you

doing at our secret

lodge meeting?

Don't hurt me!

Too late, johnny.

You've witnessed

the secret rituals

Of the grand high order

of the gnu.

According to our ancient bylaws,

We're going to have to

erase your mind!

Fetch me the fez

of forgetfulness.

Sorry, johnny,

this is gonna

sting a little.

Wait, pops, no!

Why don't we just let

johnny join the lodge?

You can't join the gnus

unless a loved one is a member.

I love johnny.

He's like a brother to me.

Johnny,

do you love carl?

Well, if by love you mean

a sick feeling of nausea

and revulsion, then yes.

Welcome to

the herd, son.

Sweet! Bring on the danish

chicks and cream soda!

[laughing]

[laughing]

I'm afraid it's not

that easy, johnny.

First you have to

undergo the secret

ritual of initiation.

[gonging]

For your first task,

You must prove

strength of character

and self-control

By eating just one

potato chip.

No problem.

Mmm. Greasy.

Brother hank, care

for a handful of

Give me those chips!

Grrr!

Oh. Were we starting?

Right. Time to

erase his memory.

[clapping]

Wait, pops. Can't we

give him one more chance?

I'm sorry, carl,

but the immutable

laws of the gnus

Explicitly state that

Ah, crud,

give him another shot.

[gonging]

Now, johnny,

You must prove

you'll be a patient

and considerate gnu

By listening to brother

ernie's long, boring story

About a couch he

and his wife bought.

Sounds easy enough.

All right, old-timer,

let 'er rip!

Well, johnny, as you

may or may not know,

My wife and i have

always liked catalogues.

Make it stop!

I can't take it anymore!

So, when we decided to

buy a couch

[pounding]

Ahhh!

It was horrible, pops.

His eyes were all

black and dead like

a doll's eyes.

Say good-bye to

the brain.

[gonging]

I invoke the cunitha!

Not the cunitha!

Not the cunitha!

What's the cunitha?

Only the most

dangerous and perilous

ritual we have.

If you survive it,

you become an instant brother.

Will it muss my hair?

No.

Let it be done!

[rustling]

Let the ritual begin!

Oh! Oh! Huh! Hey!

Come on,

watch the hair, now.

Oh. What a pretty flower.

[laughing]

Hey, hey,

that's not funny.

Oh, hi.

Nice to meet you.

[laughing]

Well,

don't mind if i do.

Ahh!

[laughing]

Well done!

Oh, you got something

on your shirt.

Oh, really?

[laughing]

Congratulations, son,

You are now a member

of the brotherhood

of the gnu.

Bring on the danish

chicks and cream soda.

[cheering]

Debbie chang,

channel 5 news.

Pops, is it true you're

the head of a super secret cult

That worships wildebeests

and screams at the moon?

How did you get in here?

I invited them, pops.

Come on debbie,

let me show you around.

That's the fez

of forgetfulness,

And over there

is carl's stupid gong,

And there's

brother ernie.

He's a powerful

and boring wizard.

We like root beer

and danish chicks

And our secret password

is "i like pie."

[gonging]

I hereby disband

the brotherhood of the gnu

And replace it with

the order of the marmoset.

All those wishing to join

Must beat the sap

out of johnny!

[chattering]

Ahhh!

Ok, i don't like this.

Ooh, get the anesthesia.

Ooh, that is gonna

leave a mark right there.

Watch the hair.

Oh, man. I want to be

a marmoset, really.

And stay out!

Johnny, you're

not supposed to read

In funny voices

while making hand

shadows on the screen.

Well, excuse me,

but that movie really bit.

That was the worst 7 hour

black and white documentary

On moody danish people

i've ever seen.

[sniffing]

Hmmm. What's that smell?

Can it be the fatty

chemical waste dumps

of lodi, new jersey?

No! It's the stupid movie

carl took me to!

For your information,

it was rich in symbolism.

It was rich in

boring me to death.

Oh, yeah? Well,

you're stupid!

No, you're stupid.

Well you're stupider.

No, you're stupider

than stupider.

You know why?

Because you don't even

know how to spell stupid.

Hey, morty,

we're looking for

two perpetrators

And those are two guys.

Is that a coincidence,

or what?

Good thinking, mike.

Let's take 'em down.

Well you're stupid

times 10.

Yeah? Too bad it's

opposite day.

It is not.

Is so.

All right,

you two kumquats,

you're under arrest.

I wasn't talking

during the movie.

I was just moving my lips

and noises started coming out.

Quiet, johnny.

We have the right

to remain silent.

It was carl!

He's an international

cattle rustler

And he doesn't recycle.

You dirt bags

are going away

for a long time.

I think not!

These trumped-up charges

Will never withstand

the sterilizing sunlight

Of our american justice

system.

Wow, carl, the 26 month

media circus surrounding our

trial was really something.

I don't think

it helped us.

Welcome to stinking bog

correctional facility.

America's correctional facility.

Trying to escape will

get you time in the box.

Talking back to the guards

will get you time in the box.

Inhaling oxygen and converting

it to carbon dioxide

Will get you time in the box.

Hey, warden mama.

My name's 864129,

but you can call me 8.

How'd you like to spend

Some not-so-solitary

confinement with

yours truly?

What we have here is

a failure to communicate!

What?

What we have here is

a failure to communicate.

Oh, i'm sorry.

I wasn't listening.

I said what we have here

is a fail--d'oh!

That's it. It's time

in the box for you.

Wait. Not the box.

I beseech you,

anything but the box.

Where's your decency?

Where's you humanity?

And you're going

in there with him!

I get dibs on

the breathing hole.

Not the box!

Sweet, merciful heavens,

not the box!

I'll see you boys

in 17 days.

[laughing]

Well, let's see how

our boys are doing

After 17 days in the box.

[cheering]

Hey, you're just

in time for the pinata.

Hi, warden.

I hope you don't mind,

We knocked out

the south wall

for a patio,

And johnny took up

the linoleum tiling

And found beautiful

hardwood floors.

That's it! From now on i'm gonna

make your lives a living heck.

Make them big rocks

into little rocks!

That ain't so bad.

Then, when you're done,

Paste them back

into big rocks!

Well, that is

kind of annoying.

Then i want you to break 'em

down into little ones again!

That's it! I can't

take it anymore.

Shh, johnny,

i have a plan.

It's just

crazy enough to work.

You haven't heard it yet.

Talk, talk, enough talk.

I need action.

Ok, dear.

We're leaving now.

The convicts can

stay up till 8:00

If they do their

homework.

Feel free to eat anything

in the refrigerator.

We'll be at

the plicksker's.

Their phone number

is on the pad next

to the phone.

But no long distance

phone calls.

Oh, i don't think the convicts

will be any trouble.

They're usually

perfect little angels.

Ha. Sweet, carl.

I didn't think your

stupid plan would work.

Oh, they're such

a cute couple.

Wait a minute, i'm not

a baby-sitter. I'm the

Ratso-fatso! Guards!

[alarms sounding]

Quick, johnny,

into this fetid swamp.

[screaming]

[barking]

Did that work, carl?

Well, johnny,

the bad news is

We're covered with

leeches.

The good news is

we'll be cleansed

of evil humors.

Sweet. I meanAhhh!

Ahhh! Ahhh!

[screaming]

We're trapped.

Not quite, carl.

I've been

studying the tides.

By clinging to

these coconuts,

We can ride every

seventh wave out to sea

And reach landfall

in nicaragua and freedom!

I don't know, johnny.

It'll be fine.

You go first.

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Phew!

Ahhh!

[gasping]

[gurgling]

You did it, johnny.

We escaped. We're free!

[police radio]

Hey, morty,

now we're looking for

two other perpetrators,

And there's two new guys.

Good thinking.

Let's take 'em down.

[sirens blaring]

What we have here is

a failure to communicate.

Uh, say again?

I said what we have here

is a failure--d'oh!

No, no, really.

I didn't catch it.

Maybe if you'd enunciate

a little more.

Have you ever considered

speech therapy?

Ooh, not the hair.

Leave the hair alone. Ooh!

Consider the turkey,

A creature so amazingly stupid

It'll stare up at a rainstorm

with its mouth wide open

Until it actually drowns.

Hey, what's everybody

looking at?

Is it that thing?

Come on, tell me.

I'll be your best friend.

Oh, i see it now.

No, that's not it.

Oh, come on, guys.

Just give me a hint.

[gurgling]

Hey, pops,

sitting on my butt

Watching the cartoon

network all day

Has giving me

a hungry man's appetite.

You're in luck, johnny.

In honor of

the annual lumberjack

competition in town,

I'm serving up a variety

of hearty theme dishes.

Just give me

a bowl of chili.

I've got lumberjack

pot roast,

Lumberjack

finger sandwiches

Yeah, yeah.

I'll take the chili.

And i just finished

tossing a delicious

lumberjack salad!

Gee, pops, i appreciate

all your hard work

and everything,

But let's see

Um, how to put this

Please, please

give me my chili!

All right,

but you don't know

what you're missing.

Why, the lumberjack

queen herself is

enjoying my cuisine.

Ooh, mama!

She's like some

sort of flannel wearing,

chain saw wielding goddess!

Hey, baby.

You clear-cut

a path to my heart.

You're the kind

of girl i could

put down roots with.

[french accent] sorry,

i do not date saps.

Bonjour, mes amis.

Let ze maple syrup flow!

Jean paul is here.

Bonjour, jean paul.

Bonjour, jean paul.

Oh, you are looking

strong this year, oui?

Ah, jean paul,

have you ever heard

Of a magical invention

called deodorant?

[laughing]

You are strong with

ze joking, tiny man,

But i have not

seen you before.

Et vu a lumberjack?

[laughing]

Am i a lumberjack?

Am i a lumberjack?

Hey, pops,

am i a lumberjack?

Nope.

Don't listen to pops.

He's a little cuckoo.

Where have you worked?

I have never heard of you.

Never heard of me?

Why, my exploits

are legendary.

Once i misstrode the north

woods like a colossus.

I cleared groves

of giant sequoias

With the help of my

trusty blue platypus, neil.

I'd eat 100

spotted owls for lunch

And i used tree trunks

for toothpicks.

Jean paul: But what

did you use for trees?

Johnny: Shut up.

I'm talking.

Once i dug a hole in my garden

And today, that hole

is london, england.

None of zat story

is true, is it?

No.

[laughing]

I like you, tiny man.

I look forward

to facing you in

manly competition.

Au revoir, mes amis.

Au revoir.

[sucking in]

If even half of your

story is true, johnny,

You are certain

to receive ze winner's

kiss tomorrow.

Oh, no, tomorrow's

no good for me.

I got a cat scan

at 9:00, then a--

winner's kiss?

Whoa. I'm there.

Au revoir.

A viento.

Yeah. French toast.

Eiffel tower. Burrito.

Announcer, with french accent:

'ello and welcome to

Ze fifth annual

lumberjack competition.

We have a cavalcade of

lumberjack superstars today.

Jean paul affit.

Black jack shillack.

Panny johnson.

Rootrot mcgee.

And an exciting newcomer who

is extremely tiny, johnny bravo.

My hair is ready.

Let's begin.

Time for ze first event,

crosscut tree cutting.

Hey, bluto,

you speak english?

Oui.

Oh, all right.

We speak english.

Look, just follow

my lead and try to

keep up, ok?

[g*nsh*t]

Oh! Ow!

Hey! Splinter!

We move on to our

second event, logrolling.

These crazy germans

haven't reckoned with

my yankee ingenuity.

That's why they lost

the civil w*r.

Ah, my tiny friend.

I wish you luck on

ze logrolling.

Ha, like i need it.

Ah, so you know

ze zecret of

ze logrolling?

AhYeah.

UmWhat was it again?

You must think of

ze log like a woman,

Only harder

and covered with bark.

Really?

Hey, baby, want to go

back to my place and

[g*nsh*t]

[gurgling]

I did it.

Nailing my boots to the log

Has made me the most balanced

lumberjack in all the land.

Look upon me and tremble

at my balanciness.

Or see me fall down a waterfall

and scream like a little girl.

[screaming]

And now we move on to

ze third and final event,

One man, one axe, one tree.

[g*nsh*t]

Finally, an event worthy

of my strength and stamina.

[panting]

Ooh. I'm beat.

[pecking]

Hey, you,

come down this tree

And i'll give you

a dollar.

Let me put it to you

this way,

Cut down this tree

and i won't cook you

And stuff you

with peppercorns

and breadcrumbs.

[chirping]

Ahh!

Ahh!

He's all hyped up

on suet!

Get him off me,

someone.

Oof!

[screaming]

Fantastic!

Vive le johnny!

Congratulations, johnny.

For your amazing feats

of lumberjack excellence,

You are winning this

trophy cup

And a winner's kiss from

ze lumberjack queen.

Lay it on me,

my little love baguette,

And don't be stingy

with the lips.

Oh, no, johnny, i am only

ze lumberjack princess.

Zis is ze queen, my mother.

Bonjour, johnny.

Pucker up for ze mama.

No, no, no, wait!

I thought

Can't we just shake hands?

Wait, wait!

I must give you

ze winner's kiss!

Johnny: No, really.

Winning is its own reward.

Well, my work here is done.

Look out.

Oooh!

A babe! Mercy!

Whatever.