[audience applauding, cheering]
[MC] Brooklyn, are you ready?
[audience cheering]
["Interlude" by Jay-Z playing]
[MC] Give it up for Jo Koy!
Allow me to reintroduce myself
My name is Hov (oh), H to the O-V
I used to move snowflakes by the O-Z
I guess even back then you can call me
CEO of the R-O-C, Hov
Fresh out the frying pan into the fire
I be the music biz number one supplier
Flier than a piece of paper
Bearing my name
Got the hottest chick in the game
Wearing my chain...
Brooklyn!
[audience cheering, applauding]
Brooklyn, are you kidding me?
[cheering continues]
They asked me where do I want to do it.
I was like, "There's only one place,
that's Brooklyn."
I'm tellin' you right now.
[audience cheering, applauding]
If you look into the audience right now,
you kinda see every single color,
and that's New York.
[audience cheering]
It started off way way back in the day
in New York
where they just crammed everybody
onto this island
and said, "Hey, f*ck it, get along."
- [audience laughing]
- [laughing]
Then all of a sudden, this happened.
I think the rest of the world
needs to learn a lesson.
I just see this sh*t,
and it just makes me happy.
I'm looking at everybody
and I'm like, "Oh sh*t."
[audience applauding]
It's kinda what we need right now.
Just laugh.
I mean, f*ck, man.
Everyone's so g*dd*mn serious right now.
Tired of being serious.
I just wanna hang out with people
that wanna have fun. I just wanna laugh.
I'm at that age now
where I just don't give a f*ck.
[audience cheering]
Like, I'm tired of hanging out with people
that always wanna bring you f*cking down.
You know what I mean.
Like just negative m*therf*ckers.
I call 'em Energy Vampires.
[audience laughing]
You know they just suck
the f*cking energy out of you.
But as humans,
we like to hang out with people like that
cause we wanna make 'em happy.
It's our job. "Let's make 'em happy."
"Let's hang out with them.
Let's take them out, make them happy."
You do that for like eight hours.
At the end, you're just like,
"That was f*cking exhausting."
[audience laughing]
You know what I'm talkin' about?
Some of you don't wanna laugh or respond
'cause you brought
that m*therf*cker here tonight.
[audience laughing]
There's some of you listening right now,
and they just going...
[mumbling]
[laughing continues]
Get rid of that m*therf*cker tonight.
Break up with him tonight.
That low-energy having m*therf*cker.
Get the f*ck...
You came to a comedy show just to have
a shitty f*ck' look on your face?
f*ck you.
Die. Bye.
[audience cheering, laughing]
Do it tonight in the parking lot
at the end of this...
I swear to God! In the parking lot,
just be like, "You heard what he said."
[audience laughing]
"This is it. We're f*cking done.
It's just done. You suck."
That's why when I do my stand-up, I scout.
I walk back and forth, and I look.
And I look for the ones that laugh big.
And that's the ones I focus on.
I don't give a f*ck about anybody else.
I'm serious. Her, right there. She keeps...
Like she's got a f*cking headache.
Just...
Right there.
Every joke, f*cking...
f*cking headache.
I'm feeding off of your energy.
Humans love to hang out with other humans
that are having a good time.
It's infectious.
Kinetic energy. We're really connected.
We're connecting.
I couldn't care less about anybody else.
There's another m*therf*cker
I like to look at.
This Black guy right here.
[audience laughing]
Every time he laughs,
he takes his two fingers
and pinch the tip of his f*cking nose.
Look, right there.
Swear to God!
You think I'm making that sh*t up?
I saw it. I saw it.
This m*therf*cker has sinus problems
every time I make him laugh.
"sh*t! This f*cking joke, Koy!"
I'm your Flonase.
[audience laughing]
When they laugh, they laugh hard.
It feels good to laugh.
That's God's medicine.
When you laugh, it releases endorphins.
That's real sh*t.
That's not make-believe.
[audience cheering, laughing]
God gave that to you.
When you laugh, it releases endorphins.
Endorphins eat up
all that negative sh*t inside you.
You're gonna live a long life.
You're gonna live a long life.
You're gonna live a long life.
Are you with him?
He's gonna live a long life.
[audience laughing]
He's gonna be around
for a long f*cking time.
His nose is gonna be running,
but he's gonna be around.
[audience laughing]
You gonna live a long life.
You, you're gonna live a long life. You.
Feels good when those endorphins
get released, you just feel good.
It's euphoric. The only way you get it
is through laughter.
That's why I tell people,
"Laugh. It's free."
Not tonight.
[audience laughing]
Not tonight.
But tomorrow.
Remember this sh*t tomorrow.
And that's f*cking free.
It's like to-go laughter.
Take it home, you sneeze, sinuses.
"Oh my God, that Black guy."
[audience laughing]
"That f*cking Black guy."
He's still f*cking doing it.
He's still f*cking doing it.
That's who you wanna hang out with.
[mumbling] Believe me,
I'm scanning through.
There's ones that aren't laughing,
just not smiling. f*ck 'em.
They die tomorrow.
[audience laughing]
They die tomorrow.
They could've lived,
but f*ck 'em, they chose not to.
They came to a comedy show
not to laugh. f*ck 'em.
Die. Bye.
Bye. I don't give a f*ck.
Bye.
[laughing continues]
[laughing]
You know how many muscles it takes
to not laugh?
You have to physically stop yourself
from laughing.
All your muscles, just tight.
[smacking lips]
[audience laughing]
as*h*le, tight.
Your as*h*le is the tightest as*h*le
in this room.
[smacking lips]
Just little Raisinets
come out of your a*s.
[laughing continues]
Can't even take a full sh*t
'cause your as*h*le's so tight.
That's why everyone thinks
you're full of sh*t 'cause you really are.
- [audience laughing, applauding]
- [smacking lips]
His as*h*le's wide open.
[audience laughing]
Wide open.
[blowing, grunting]
[laughing] He's got a gaping as*h*le
from laughing.
Oh sh*t, that's funny.
[audience laughing]
[laughing] Oh my God.
It feels good to laugh.
It does.
Why wouldn't you wanna laugh,
why do you wanna neglect yourself
from laughing? It feels so f*cking good.
You... You're addicted to it.
Wait. You... You ever go to work late?
You go to work late, and you see a bunch
of people in the break room laughing?
What do you do? You start laughing
and walking towards them,
"What? What? What? What? What?"
They're laughing at you
'cause you're f*cking late again.
[mumbling]
You wanna be part of that.
You never walk towards
the miserable person, right?
f*ck no! Stay away from that f*ck.
Get those people out of your g*dd*mn life.
Surround yourself with winners.
Surround yourself with real friends.
Social media's f*cked up everybody.
They think everyone's their friend
'cause they're following you.
They're not following
'cause they like you.
Someone will follow you
'cause they wanna see you f*ck up.
You ever think about that sh*t?
You ever do something really good
and post it,
then... then your friends
you thought were your friends
never say sh*t?
They don't even like the g*dd*mn picture.
They act like they didn't see it.
You know they f*cking saw it.
You know they f*cking saw it,
but they act like they didn't.
Those aren't your friends.
Those are f*cking crabs.
Get rid of 'em. It's easy. Delete.
[audience laughing]
Delete. Delete. Delete.
You'll end up with five friends.
You'll end up with five friends.
It's probably your f*cking family members.
And two of them hate you too.
[laughing continues]
- What's your name?
- Larry.
Larry. I f*ck' love you, Larry.
You laugh hard too.
- It feels good, right?
- Right.
- How old are you?
- Forty-six.
Forty-six. See?
You have to ask Asians how old they are.
[audience laughing]
You have to ask Asians how old they are.
I'm sorry. It's a respectful thing.
Don't guess.
Don't ever f*cking guess.
I thought he was young. He's old as f*ck.
[audience laughing]
He's old as f*ck.
He's just younger than me
'cause he's a full-blown Asian.
I'm half-white, so I got the...
I got the white part that was like...
[growling, mumbling]
The white...
The white part was like,
"I'm gonna make you old."
[laughing]
Old as f*ck.
[laughing continues]
I like you, Larry.
- You got kids?
- Yep.
g*dd*mn right. How many? Only one?
Three? g*dd*mn!
[audience laughing]
How old are they?
Think about it. I'll come back.
Asians don't give a f*ck
how old their kids are.
They don't give a f*ck.
"How many?" "Three."
"How old?" "Who gives a f*ck?"
[audience laughing]
"Who gives a f*ck? I don't know."
"One, two, and three."
What?
This f*cking as*h*le looked up, like...
[audience laughing]
"Let me get back to you
on that one, Mr. Koy."
How old? Teenagers?
- Uh, 15, 12, and five.
- Fifteen, twelve, and five. See?
It's our responsibility to remind them
that this ship that they're in right now,
as beautiful as it is, this social media,
we gotta remind them
that it's not f*cking real.
They're living in that time where they
don't know what's real and what's not.
Everything that they're taught
is in 15 f*cking seconds.
Fifteen seconds!
They already know the g*dd*mn world.
Fifteen seconds, they already know
that Black people have a problem
with these people,
and white people f*cking hate everybody.
And Asians wanna take over the world.
And th... All this in 15 seconds,
and our youth is watching this sh*t.
And they're consuming it.
They're taking that information in,
and that's what they base
their f*cking truth on.
And it's up to us to make them realize
that that's wrong. It's wrong.
You're not...
You need to go out and see sh*t.
Stop hiding in your shell
and letting social media tell you
who's wrong and who's right.
Go out there
and f*cking find out for yourself.
If you come to Brooklyn,
I see white people, I see Asian people,
I see Black people,
and we f*cking love to laugh
at the same f*cking thing.
[audience cheering, applauding]
So funny how they say social media
is supposed to help us socially,
but it doesn't.
You should call it anti-social media.
They don't hang out with anybody anymore.
These kids have no idea
how to walk up to someone and say "hi."
They just slide into the DM
and send a f*cking emoji.
[audience laughing]
That's their pickup line.
A f*cking eggplant
with sh*t squirting out of it.
[audience laughing]
If she doesn't respond, "Big deal."
It's a numbers game for them.
Happy face with heart eyes.
What the f*ck is that?
There's no risk. There's no build-up.
You don't get your own confidence
from that, right?
When we... What we had to do when...
Like especially me,
if I was interested in a girl,
it was like five months
of just looking at her every day.
[audience laughing]
Dude, just f*ck'...
Just stains on the chest.
Food on the corner of the mouth.
"Go talk to her." "Hold on."
[audience laughing]
You finally walk up.
"I think you're really awesome."
"Bye!"
[laughing continues]
[Jo laughing]
And guess what happened?
Nothing.
You go home, and you jerk off.
[audience laughing]
Crying, "Why did I say that to her?"
"Why did I even say that to her?"
[laughing continues]
[Jo laughing]
They got it good, you guys.
They really got it good.
Maybe we gotta take things away
and make them feel humble about stuff.
Like really humble them.
You know what I mean?
They take these pictures.
Every single kid thinks
they're a g*dd*mn photographer.
And here's the thing, so do we.
But I know the difference when I took
a picture and when they take a picture.
They take a picture, they have no idea.
They've got so many shots of taking
a good-a*s picture. Selfie!
Tik, tik, tik, tik, tik.
You ever see someone...
[mimicking camera flickering]
[audience laughing]
[mimicking continues]
Candid. Candid. Candid!
"How the f*ck are you taking
a candid selfie!"
The f*ck!
- [mimicking continues]
- [audience laughing]
"Got it." "Got it!"
"You just took 1,000 pictures!
Of course, you got it!"
"Filter. Filter. Filter. Stretch."
"Stretch. Filter. Filter. Stretch."
"Post. Caption: Crazy."
[audience laughing]
What?
They show everybody. "Oh my God.
Look, everyone liked my picture."
"Look, 400 people liked my picture."
No one liked your g*dd*mn picture.
No one liked your f*cking picture.
People are just, just tapping it
and scrolling up.
That's all... They don't even look at it.
Just... scroll. Scroll.
No one looked at your f*cking picture.
When I was a kid, you liked my picture.
You had to like my picture
'cause I physically showed you my picture.
[audience laughing]
"Look at that. Look at that."
"Oh my God! That's crazy!"
"Yeah, it's cool.
It's f*cking cool, right?"
"Yeah. All right. Cool."
Maybe that's what we should do.
Give them a disposable camera.
You like, "Here you go."
"There you go.
Take your... take your selfies with that."
[audience laughing]
"You got... you got 12 shots, you better..."
"You got 12 shots, m*therf*cker. You bet...
You better make sure it's a good one."
Let's see them try and get everybody
in the frame.
[giggles] And still,
wait for the flash battery to charge up.
[mimicking old camera build up]
"Why did you f*cking look?"
"It's a gawk! I gotta charge it again,
you f*cking as*h*le!"
[mimicking old camera build up]
[groaning]
Then you gotta... Then you gotta take it...
Then you gotta take it to a...
You had to develop it.
You have to... You put it in an envelope
and write your name,
and you give it to some stranger.
"Here, personal pictures of me."
[audience laughing]
And then it's a week... It takes a week
for that picture to come back.
And for a whole week, you're like,
"I hope those m*therf*ckers came out."
"I hope one or two came out."
Then you go pick up your pictures.
You get 'em developed.
You're like, "Nope. Nope. f*ck, nope."
"Out of focus. sh*t. g*dd*mn it."
"Red eyes?"
[audience laughing]
"f*cking red eyes."
And then one comes out good.
One. You're like, "Yes! Got it."
And then you go, "Can I get duplicates?"
[audience laughing]
Ask these kids now.
Ever since they took that away
and all we have are the camera phones,
these kids don't even know what an orb is.
Ask a f*cking teenager what an orb is.
They have no idea
what we're talking about. [mumbles]
An orb is when you get
your picture developed,
and in the picture,
there's a circle of light
hovering over somebody in the picture.
Guess what my mom thought that was.
[in Asian accent] "Your lola came
to the Christmas party."
[audience laughing]
"Your lola came
to the Christmas party, Joseph."
"She came to the Christmas party."
"She's by the potato salad, Joseph."
"That's her recipe.
She made your potato salad."
"For Christ's sake, Joseph!
She loved you so much, Joseph."
It was a dirty lens.
It was a dirty lens!
We put that picture on the altar
for six months.
[audience laughing]
I don't know, I guess I'm at that age.
I keep saying that, but I am.
I, physically and mentally,
have become my dad. It's so weird.
And I think we all morph into that.
We all eventually morph into that sh*t.
So, I'm just saying watch.
All you young f*ck, it's gonna happen.
sh*t's gonna start breaking down,
you gonna start saying some old sh*t.
You don't even know why.
I said "neat" in the car the other day.
[audience laughing]
My son immediately called me out on that.
Like "Yo! Look at that building.
That's neat."
He goes,
"Did you just f*cking say 'neat'?"
And I was like, "Oh my God, I did."
My dad used to say sh*t like...
Like, when I was a kid in the '80s,
I was a B-boy.
I was listening to everything.
I was listening to Doug E. Fresh,
Slick Rick, Beastie Boys. Doing all that.
My dad was like, "Oh, you're listenin'
to that hippity-hoppity?"
[audience laughing]
"Huh? You think that's music?
That hippity-hoppity, hip-hippity?"
"That's a fad. You need to listen
to real music, not that hippity-hoppity."
Now he's pissed me off.
I'm like, "f*ck you, Dad."
"This is the sh*t,
the music of the future. You know."
"Oh, we'll see. We'll see."
And I was right. I was f*cking right.
[audience cheering]
I was right.
But now, now, hip-hop has moved on
to some other sh*t.
And now I'm sounding like my dad
'cause I'm like,
"You're listening to that mumbly-mumbly?"
[audience laughing]
"You're listening to that mumbly-mumbly?
They don't even say words."
Mumble. Mumble. Mumble.
Stupid, mumble, mumble, mumble word.
Mumble, mumble, mumble word.
My son's like, "Shut up, Dad.
Your music sucks."
And that, that pissed me off
because I know I'm right.
"Don't you f*cking say my..."
"Don't you f*cking compare your rap
to my rap. You can't..."
[audience cheering, applauding]
They're poets. They were f*cking poets.
They were lyricists. They... they moved.
I mean, Biggie died 30 years ago.
To this day, you play a Biggie song,
and it still shuts down the club.
Don't act like it doesn't.
[audience cheering, applauding]
f*cking...
Don't get me wrong.
The mumble rap is catchy,
but I'm just saying,
what the f*ck are you saying?
[audience laughing]
[mumbled rap]
...lifestyle...
[audience laughing]
Just f*cking mumbled
and then said one word! f*ck you!
[mumbled rap]
...lifestyle...
[audience laughing]
[mumbled rap continues]
Shut the f*ck up!
I'm sorry.
[audience cheering, applauding]
There's some people
that don't know what song...
Play that. Turb, can you play it?
Just play it.
["Lyfestyle" by Nyce playing]
[mumbled rap]
...lifestyle...
[audience laughing]
[mumbled rap]
...my lifestyle...
[mumbled rap]
...beginnin'...
[mumbled rap]
Shut the f*ck up!
Shut the f*ck...
[audience cheering, applauding]
If I sound old, I sound old.
But I'm sorry, you play some Biggie,
and it'll shut any f*cking place down.
Play some Biggie.
["Hypnotize"
by The Nortorious B.I.G. playing]
Sing it!
Hah, sicker than your average
Poppa twist cabbage off instinct
n*gg*s don't think sh*t stink
Pink gators, my Detroit players
Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn...
Stop! What?
[audience cheering, applauding]
Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn...
What the f*ck!
That's the only reason why I wanted
to sh**t this special in Brooklyn.
[audience cheering, applauding]
You couldn't f*ck with Biggie.
Biggie made anything sound cool.
If he breathed heavy,
that sh*t was a lyric.
[breathing heavily]
[audience laughing]
[breathing heavily]
Whatever he said made sense.
He was a poet.
"And if you didn't know..."
[audience] "...now you know!"
Get the f*ck out, Brooklyn! Let's go!
[audience cheering, applauding]
I love it. I love it. I love it.
This is so much g*dd*mn fun.
I know I keep talking about this age sh*t,
but it's true.
I'm in that age now
where things are starting to tighten up
and not feel good.
[audience laughing]
Hangovers are longer now.
It's not just a day.
That sh*t's four to five.
[audience laughing]
[laughing]
That's why all you young kids in there,
enjoy it. Enjoy it.
Drinking all the time,
eating f*cked-up sh*t,
it's gonna catch up.
Milk? Ah!
Eat that f*cking milk.
All you kids, eat it. [grumbling]
Gallon after gallon, cereal. [gnawing]
I... Oh, I love that sh*t.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch!
I'd eat three bowls
of Cinnamon Toast Crunch at midnight.
Three bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch!
[gnawing]
And then you drink the milk.
It's horchata. It turns into horchata.
- [gnawing]
- [audience applauding]
Not anymore.
I'm lactose intolerant.
What the f*ck?
When did that happen?
All of a sudden, milk is poison.
I'm lactose intol...
Guess when I found out
I was lactose intolerant?
On a date.
[audience laughing]
On a f*cking date.
Everything's going good, I order dessert,
she's like,
"Let's share." I'm like, "Yeah."
Apple pie, la mode. We eat it.
I took half the ice cream.
Everything's going good.
I'm driving home. Everything's going good.
I'm looking at her like,
"Ooh, it's gonna happen tonight."
I'm driving. "Gonna get some tonight."
And then my stomach's like,
"No, it's not."
[mimicking stomach rumbling]
[mimicking continues]
[audience laughing]
"f*cking brakes."
The brakes!
I blamed it on the brakes.
Nothing's gonna happen. Done.
I'm not taking her home.
Nothing's gonna happen.
She's not gonna suck my d*ck
with a T-Rex in my stomach.
Imagine that sh*t.
She's like, "Oh my God."
- [mimicking stomach rumbling]
- [audience laughing]
[mimicking continues]
I... I thought it was the brakes.
[audience laughing]
I can't drink milk.
I miss milk. I miss it so much.
I still try and trick myself at night.
Late at night, I'll have a bowl of cereal,
trying to eat it fast.
If I eat it real fast, I'll fall asleep.
Maybe my brain won't register.
Like, it won't know.
[grumbling]
Then fall asleep.
Then my as*h*le's like,
"Hey, man, there's some poison."
"We're gonna release this poison
right now while you're sleeping."
"There you go, Mr. Koy."
[audience laughing]
[Jo laughing]
Just found out two years ago,
I got sciatica.
Whoa. What the f*ck!
I didn't even know I had sciatica.
It just happened.
And there's young people
in here go, "What the f*ck is 'Sciatica'?"
"Is that on Spotify?"
[audience laughing]
I got sciatica.
All of a sudden, my sciatic nerve
just locked up. It just stopped.
Doesn't work anymore.
My sciatic nerve. Yeah!
And I got it. And I know. Heres the thing.
I know other people got sciatica.
That's the cool thing about sciatica.
We're like a g*ng. Sciatica...
Sciatica recognizes sciatica.
You don't have to raise your hand.
I f*cking know. I can tell.
I know who has sciatica.
Just look at the person...
You, especially! You're sitting sideways.
[audience laughing]
m*therf*cker's sitting like
he's sliding into second.
I didn't even know I had sciatica.
I didn't know it was really bad
until I shot my last special,
Live at the Forum. That's when...
I was editing it.
I was looking at myself, like,
"What the f*ck is wrong with my walk?"
Like, I remember that my leg hurt
when we were taping it,
but I didn't know it affected my walk
until I was editing the special.
I'm like, "What the f*ck is wrong
with my walk?"
If you can go home tonight
and just watch it, just the beginning,
when they go,
"Ladies and gentlemen, Jo Koy."
I'm like, "What's up, Los Angeles?"
[audience laughing]
What the f*ck!
What... what is wrong with my walk?
I had to go to a doctor
to see what was wrong with my leg.
By the way,
if there's a doctor in here tonight...
Yes, bring your compassion back.
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
She was like, ah... Oh.
[audience laughing]
Don't know what it is with doctors.
They just lost that compassion.
All of a sudden,
they treat their patients like customers.
I'm not saying you do.
You seem like a happy person.
But I'm just saying,
f*ck' wheel it back.
Delivering bad news
like it's matter of fact.
Like, stop. We have feelings too.
Went to this doctor.
"Don't know what's goin' on with my leg,
but my right leg just keeps locking up.
I don't even play sports."
[audience laughing]
It hurts right here,
from my hip to my knee.
He goes, "That's your sciatic nerve.
Early stages of sciatica."
He goes, "You need to stretch
your IT band out."
"Okay. You need to stretch your IT.
Do you have a foam roller at home?"
I go, "You think I have the cure
when I just found out
what the f*ck is wrong with me right now?"
[audience laughing]
"Oh my God. Mr. Koy, I'm sorry. Yes, I..."
"You go to any sporting goods store
and get yourself a foam roller,
lay it on the ground,
put it between your hip and knee
and roll back and forth."
"It's gonna be very painful, it's gonna be
very painful but do it a lot."
"It'll relieve all that pressure.
Stretch that IT band out there."
"You probably have a lot
of lower back pain."
I go, "I do.
I got a lot of lower back pain."
He goes, "It's gonna relieve
all that pressure."
"And normally, it affects the buttocks."
"But I notice you don't have one."
[audience laughing]
"You're just gonna say that
like that's not gonna hurt my feelings?"
He goes, "Oh my God!
Mr. Koy, I'm sorry about that.
"I didn't mean to say it like that. Um...
Does your buttocks hurt?"
[audience laughing]
And I go, "No."
And he goes,
"Exactly."
"'Cause you don't have one."
[audience laughing]
[laughing] And that f*cked me up.
That hurt me. That crushed me.
I want every woman to know this now,
guys don't care about their asses.
We don't give a sh*t.
Whatever a*s we have is the a*s we have.
We don't wake up on Wednesday and go,
"a*s day! Let me get to the gym."
We don't give a sh*t.
We don't do crunches.
We don't do squats. We don't do anything.
The a*s we got is the a*s we got.
But now, my ego's shot
because a certified medical technician
that knows what an a*s looks like
can't find one on my body.
[audience laughing]
He just looked behind me
and went, "Ooh, pockets."
[audience laughing]
So now I'm driving home f*cked up.
Like, "I gotta have a something."
"I don't have an a*s.
I don't have any a*s at all."
"I gotta have something.
I gotta have a little a*s."
"There's no way I don't have any a*s."
And I go home, and I swear to God,
this is the first time
I ever looked at my a*s.
I never looked
at my own a*s before. I swear!
I'm like, "I gotta have something."
I took all my sh*t off,
stood in front of my long mirror,
and I went like this.
[audience laughing]
And I don't have an a*s.
I don't have an a*s. Nothing.
I have a long back.
[audience laughing]
I have a really long back.
And then there's a butthole
right at the bottom of it.
[laughing continues]
There's a butthole at the bottom of it.
My a*s is hairy,
so it looks like a welcome mat
with an as*h*le dangling
from my spinal cord.
And I just went... [gagging]
[audience laughing]
[gagging] I just got a set of legs
going into my shoulders.
What the f*ck is that?
[gagging]
And right at that moment,
I started thinking about
every girl that dated me.
I'm like,
"How the f*ck did they stay with me?"
This is horrific.
The minute we hooked up,
the first time we hooked up,
she should have left.
Every girl I had been with
should've f*cking ran for the hills.
'Cause I talk sh*t when I hook up.
Like, "I'm going to the bathroom.
I'll be back for seconds."
I walk to the bathroom
and my a*s was like,
"We'll be right back. That's right.
Keep that p*ssy wet, baby girl."
"We'll be right back, baby.
We'll f*ck that p*ssy, baby."
[audience laughing]
[gagging]
[gagging] How?
How the f*ck did she stay?
And now... and now,
I'm talking to every guy in here.
If you're dating a lady
or if you're married to a woman,
you better cherish her
'cause she loves you for you.
Your soul, your brain,
that's what she's in love with.
It's not you, physically. I swear to God.
It's not you.
She loves you, the inside, your soul.
That's what she loves. Remember that sh*t.
I'm telling you right now.
There's good-looking guys here like,
"You ain't talkin' to me."
f*ck you. You too. You too.
You too. You have a cute face
till you take your clothes off,
and then you look like a melted candle.
Just f*ck'... [grumbling]
You got a red mole
with a f*ck' hair stickin' out of it.
[gagging]
[audience laughing]
I like to wear Polo underwear.
That's my favorite underwear.
It's the same one. On the back,
on the waistband it says,
"Polo by Ralph Lauren."
In the front, my stomach pushes it over
and it says...
[mumbling]
[audience laughing]
[mumbling]
That's what the f*ck it says.
Doesn't look anything like
the g*dd*mn package.
[mumbling]
I know there's guys in here
that know what I'm talking about.
It doesn't say "Hanes," it says "Nanes."
Yeah, you, m*therf*cker. You. You.
You. Every f*cking guy in here tonight.
It's gonna happen tonight, isn't it?
All those endorphins
are going through her body.
And guess what,
she's gonna suck that d*ck.
That d*ck that's sitting right on top of...
that belly that's on top of your d*ck.
She's gonna lift that... that hairy,
that f*cking hairy...
that hairy f*cking belly
that's pushing your d*ck down.
Your beautiful lady is gonna lift it up
and go,
"I'm gonna suck this d*ck tonight."
"I'm gonna suck that. I'm gonna suck
a bear's d*ck tonight."
"I'm gonna suck this bears's d*ck tonight,
ain't I?"
"Make the sound, or I'm not gonna
suck today. Make the sound!"
Then you gotta go... [growling]
Yeah. [growling]
[audience laughing]
"f*cking lint!
Is that lint in your belly button?"
"I'm gonna suck.
Make the sound, or I'm not gonna suck."
[growling] Yeah. Ra-ra-ra.
[audience laughing]
[laughing]
Now... you know what's crazy?
Now I fall under the category of "zaddy."
I'm a f*cking zaddy. Look. Look. Look.
[squeaking]
You're all cheering. Stop it.
Stop. I'm not falling for it.
There's guys that fall for that sh*t.
Go to Instagram, go, go, go online.
You'll see. You'll see #zaddy.
Click that hashtag,
you'll see guys that look like me.
Just f*cking stupid poses like...
But then in... [laughing]
Then in the comment section
you'll see, "Ooh, zaddy."
"Okay, zaddy. Look at you, zaddy."
I ain't falling for that sh*t.
I ain't falling for it.
You're not ready for zaddy.
If you're in your twenties,
stay in your f*cking twenties.
If you're in your thirties,
stay in your thirties.
You're not ready for zaddy.
Zaddy's a special kinda f*cking dude.
"Oh, but I wanna be with zaddy
'cause he'll take care of me."
You need to take care
of f*cking zaddy too.
Zaddy got sciatica.
The f*ck you talking about?
You're not ready for zaddy.
What happens if we hook up
and I forget my CPAP machine?
What the f*ck are you gonna do?
We hook up
and I don't have my CPAP machine.
I'm laying there and just...
[audience laughing]
[grumbling]
You're like, "Zaddy!"
"What's wrong, Zaddy?"
[grumbling]
"Zaddy!"
[audience laughing]
I need a woman with experience.
I need a woman that knows what to do
when something like that happens.
I wanna go out on a date and she's like,
"Let's go back to my place."
I'm like, "I don't have my CPAP."
She's like, "My ex had two."
"There's one in my closet."
I go, "Oh, Damn."
[audience laughing]
"I got distilled water today."
"What the f*ck!"
Here's a PSA. Here's a PSA for all
the young ladies out there, okay?
If you're at a bar, and zaddy walks up
to you and starts talking to you.
All right. If he's talking to you
at the bar and he's standing like...
Let me get... Let's use this stool.
If he's... if he's doing this right here.
Talking to you like, "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh Really?"
That's how a zaddy stands
when they talk. "Oh yeah? Yeah, yeah."
He's not doing that to be cool.
It's hot.
And my ball is stuck to my thigh.
[audience laughing]
That's how you detach your ball
from your thigh.
You just f*cking...
"Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
That's a sticky ball move.
Ever seen a guy talking
and they do that sh*t?
"No! Get the f*ck out of here!"
"Get the f*ck out of here! Ah, sh*t!"
"Really? Oh really?
Really, really, really."
"That's crazy. Crazy!"
It's his ba*ls.
Sticky ba*ls are in here.
A bunch of sticky ba*ls in here.
Look at how they're sitting.
Look at the guy sitting next to you,
his legs wide open.
Wide open. Don't give a sh*t about
who's sitting on the right or the left.
Just ba*ls gently placed
on the cushion of the seat.
They can close their legs, but their ba*ls
sit on the lap like a snow cone.
[audience laughing]
Sticky ball guy move.
Now you know, ladies.
When you go back to work, now you know.
That guy from accounting walks up to you.
"Hey. Hey, Rebecca, some of the guys and I
are going to Starbucks."
"You want a... you want a Frappuccino
or anything like that?"
"Get the f*ck away from me, Steve.
Get the f*ck away from me, Steve."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa."
"Someone's grumpy. Someone's grumpy."
[audience laughing]
I did that joke a long, long time ago
when my son was like...
I think he was like eight
or nine years old.
I would take him all over.
He'd always sit backstage.
I was f*cking around with the audience,
and I did that one night.
I got offstage, I was like, "How was it?"
He's like, "It was good, Dad,
but I didn't understand that one joke."
I go, "Which joke?" He goes,
"The one about the ball on the thigh."
"I don't understand that joke, Dad."
"I don't understand the ball on the thigh.
Why was that so funny? I didn't get it."
"I didn't get it."
And I go, "Jo, you're not supposed
to get it. You're nine."
"Your ba*ls are still
at the base of your d*ck."
[audience laughing]
"That's where
a nine-year-old's ba*ls sit, Jo."
"At the base of their d*ck."
I go, "Your d*ck is like a hiker
with a really cool backpack on."
[audience laughing]
My d*ck's like a seasoned traveler
with a shitty roller bag, like, "Come on!"
"f*cking wheel's broke."
My son is 20, and I'm at that point
where I want to make sure
he lives the right life.
Unfortunately,
it's a different generation.
I'm trying to catch up,
but I know it's wrong. I know it's wrong.
I know they're a little wrong.
They're a little soft. You guys are soft.
Bullying. Oh my God!
This f*cking bully thing.
I can't believe this bully thing.
I get it. There's some parents
in here now,
like, "You don't understand
what my f*cking son is going through."
But you don't understand,
like, with me... like...
You know who the worst bully
was in school when I was kid?
My mom! My mom said the worst sh*t.
[audience laughing]
The worst sh*t.
Someone said something in school,
I'd be like,
"My mom already said that sh*t
this morning."
What the f*ck?
He's soft.
It's crazy. It's a different time now.
I'm trying to catch up,
but I need the tools.
And my son is at that age.
He's 20. He's 20.
You know what I mean? He's 20.
I gotta make sure my son is ready.
As a parent,
I gotta make sure my son is ready.
And here's the thing. He's not ready.
He's not. He's not ready.
He's not.
He's not ready for general population.
[audience laughing]
It would be wrong if I sent my son
out into the... out into the real world.
People will be like, "Who the f*ck...
Whose kid is this?"
[audience laughing]
"Who the f*ck sent this out here?"
He's not ready. He's 20.
I can give my son
a fistful of money right now, today,
a whole bunch of money,
and I'll go, "Go, Jo,
you're on your own. Go."
He'll be back in six hours like,
"Dad, they took all of my money."
[audience laughing]
These kids got everything right now.
My son's out late with his friends? Uber.
That fast.
He goes out late with friends,
"Sorry, Dad, I'll catch an Uber."
All right. Cool. Boom. Catch an Uber.
I see my phone 'cause it's on my card.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Uber Black?
49.99. What the f*ck!"
"Bro, you were a mile away."
Luxury. Luxury.
That's what they don't know.
There was no such thing as Uber.
What the f*ck!
If I was out late with friends,
and it was school night,
and I called my mom, "Mom, it's dark.
Can you come get me?"
"No."
"I already have my pajamas on
and my... and my creams
on my face already, Jo."
"Just get home now."
"How?"
"No one has a car."
"Then run."
"Run. Run! It's a mile away."
"Run fast."
"Like, don't stop. Just look forward
and as fast as you can."
"And when you get tired,
don't stop, just keep going."
f*cking one o'clock in the morning.
[panting]
f*cking dark. [screaming]
Car with no headlights on.
[screaming]
"He's gonna... he's gonna r*pe me!"
[audience laughing]
I almost got r*ped ten times.
[audience laughing]
[laughing]
That's what I'm saying though.
I was never late again.
sh*t, when the sun started coming down,
like, "Man, I need to walk home."
Uber Eats. Get the f*ck out. My son...
When there's... Right?
When there's no food, Uber Eats.
"I'm gonna Uber. There's nothing to eat."
"All right, go ahead." He Uber Eats.
I see the bill,
"g*dd*mn! Cheesecake Factory?"
"You just took yourself out to dinner?"
"What are you on a date, m*therf*cker?
You got... you got dessert too?"
"Nice tip, m*therf*cker. You tipped?"
"You're a... you're a tipper!"
"You're a tipper, aren't you?
Jesus Christ!"
The f*ck is that? Uber Eats!
He doesn't know about "No Eats."
[audience laughing]
No Eats.
I don't know how many times
I called my mom at work.
"There's nothing to eat."
"Look in the refrigerator. There's..."
"Ma, I looked ten times,
and it's the same thing every time."
"Look. Look again. Look."
"Look again."
"What's in there?"
"Like, ketchup."
[audience laughing]
"Flavor."
"There you go. Flavor. That's a start."
"Flavor! What else, Joseph?
What else is in there?"
"You have flavor. What's the other one
you have in there so we can make a meal?"
"What is it, Jo?
What flavor, and then what else?"
"There's, uh..."
"There's a slice of cheese
with four hard corners."
[audience laughing]
"Okay. All right."
"Now just... now break those corners off
because the middle is still good."
"It's slowly getting bad,
so you have to catch it
before it gets all bad."
"So now instead of square, it's round."
[audience laughing]
I got a ketchup cheese roll.
What the f*ck!
[laughing]
Application. See, this is the thing.
They don't know what an application is.
Application to them, this generation,
they think an application is...
is everything.
It could be, it could be, uh,
I don't know, uh, I don't know, the games.
Whatever it is that they can download
is an application.
They have an application
that helps them fill out an application.
Cause they don't even know
how to get a real f*cking job.
They don't know the struggle of going in
and asking to be hired.
They don't know that skill set.
Everything's easy for them.
They have an application
to fill out an application.
You get to fill it out.
You can just type it in.
And then you go,
"Oh, you know what? I like..."
"I like coffee. I'm gonna work
at maybe a coffee shop." Type that in.
"I wanna work, maybe, I don't know, maybe
point five miles away from my house."
"Pa-pa-pa. I'd like to make this much."
"And these are the only hours I can work
because of soccer."
[audience laughing]
And then the app comes back and goes,
"Hey! We found something for ya."
"Yeah, just right down the street.
Come on, they're waiting for ya."
"Yeah, and you know what?
They agreed to the money you want,
so go and get that job,
and enjoy soccer while you're at it."
"Thanks, app."
They got a g*dd*mn job. No work.
They have no idea
about going to a f*cking mall...
[audience laughing]
...with a shitty f*cking button-up shirt,
f*cking dirty tennis shoes,
with shirt's tucked in
to some f*cked up pants.
And you're just looking at every store.
[groaning]
Walk in, "Are... are you guys hiring?"
[audience laughing]
"No."
"Not you."
Ooh...
[audience laughing]
Ask any of these teenagers if they know
what an application even looks like.
They have no idea.
You had to ask one.
Then they lifted up the register.
And then they...
It was like a thick sheet of...
It was a whole pad of applications,
and they only ripped one off for you.
[mimicking tearing] "Here."
You go, "Just one?"
"Yeah, just one."
You had to go to the food court
and fill it out.
[audience laughing]
With ink. It couldn't be pencil.
And you better not f*ck up anything.
I always f*cked up my name. "f*ck!"
[audience laughing]
I had to scribble out the "e"
and point an arrow and put a letter "p."
My name's Joseph, not "Josepeh."
[audience laughing]
[laughing]
I love it though.
I love being a dad, Larry.
[audience laughing]
Just gotta teach these kids.
Gotta teach these kids.
I know there's teenagers in here tonight.
I don't know where,
but I know you're in here.
Oh, right there?
Nice to meet you.
What's your name? Teenager.
The old f*ck goes, "Me?"
[audience laughing]
"Me?"
"Steve."
[audience laughing]
What... At... at what point did you think
I said, "Teenager,"
and asked for your f*cking name?
[audience laughing]
He's got a f*cking whiskey sour.
[audience laughing]
[laughing]
What's your name back there?
- [Jo] Huh?
- Caleb.
Caleb? Nice to meet you, Caleb.
How old are you?
- [Caleb] Twelve.
- Twelve. Oh sh*t.
[audience laughing]
sh*t.
Right.
[audience applauding]
You... you learned a lot tonight,
didn't you?
sh*t.
g*dd*mn!
So...
This is your mom's fault, by the way.
Your mom f*cked...
You're 12 though.
Your mom... your mom knew.
It's on the ticket.
It said R-rated. Don't get mad at me.
- [audience laughing]
- [laughing]
If Caleb goes like this... [growling]
I'll be like, "Oh f*ck!"
[audience applauding]
Is he a good kid? Caleb a good kid?
He is? Does he clean his room
when you tell him?
No? g*dd*mn it, Caleb!
Clean your f*cking room.
That's your mom!
Whatever your mom says, you do,
you hear me, Caleb?
When she says, "Clean the room,"
you say this, Caleb.
"How many rooms, Mom?"
[audience laughing]
That's your mom.
[audience applauding]
That's your mom!
Every kid in here,
you better realize that.
That's your mom. Listen to her.
Don't ever talk back to your mom.
Talk back to your dad.
Is your dad here? Oh, that's your dad?
Talk back to your dad. Talk back to him.
Check your f*cking dad. Now is the time.
Check your dad.
Your dad's gonna appreciate that.
If your dad... if your dad smarts off
to your mom, you f*ck... Check Dad.
Check that m*therf*cker. I did that sh*t.
I did that to my stepdad Fred.
He said something to my mom,
I waited up all night.
I was like, "I'm gonna f*cking say...
Don't you ever!"
I was in my room, man.
"Don't you ever talk
to my mom like that. sh*t!"
I waited up all night.
I heard him wake up in the morning.
He was making his lunch for work.
I walked into the kitchen, I go,
"Don't you ever f*cking talk to my mom
like that again, hear me, Fred?"
"Don't you ever disrespect my mom.
You hear me?"
Fred's 6'4".
[audience laughing]
Six-four
Just leaned in and went like this,
"I don't think you understand
who you're talking to, bubba."
[audience laughing]
"Might wanna go to your room
and think about that real quick."
And this is what I say, Caleb.
I went like this,
"I'm gonna,
but remember what the f*ck I said."
"Don't talk to my mom like that."
And I went to my room.
But guess what happened, Caleb?
Later on that night,
during dinner, Fred goes like this,
"Hey Bubba, I'm sorry about what I said."
"I'll never disrespect
your mama like that again.
"I'll never do it in front of you, Bubba."
[audience cheering, applauding]
See what I'm saying?
So, your dad, f*cking walk up to him,
swell your chest up.
[audience laughing]
Just go like this.
"What the f*ck did you say?"
[audience laughing]
"What the f*ck?"
Like, get all that, all that, Caleb.
"What the f*ck did you say to Mom?"
Say... Ball up your fist.
Do it, Caleb.
You know why? 'Cause your mom's gonna be
right behind you going,
"Why don't you say
what the f*ck you said?"
"Say it to your son, m*therf*cker.
Say it!"
[audience laughing]
'Cause your mom has your back.
Remember that sh*t.
All these kids, remember that sh*t.
I don't talk to the girls.
I don't. I never do.
The girls, you're on your own.
I have a different attitude towards...
Like... like teenage girls, it's different.
They will just... For some reason,
they just do it right.
I got two sisters that just did it right.
I got my sister Gemma.
To this day, she's still in charge
of Jo Koy Entertainment.
Like, she runs
the whole f*cking operation.
I ain't got nothing to say.
[audience applaudes]
They do it right.
The boys, I talk sh*t all the time.
They seem to be the same
all the f*cking time.
So I'm only talking to you f*ck.
So... so next time your mom tells you
to clean the room, Caleb,
you say, "How many?" All right?
And all you moms in here,
when your kids talk back to you,
when they say sh*t like,
"I'm tired. I'll do it tomorrow, Mom."
f*ck that.
Every mom in here,
you need to tell these kids what you did.
Say it in graphic detail.
In graphic, descriptive detail.
When they go, "I'm tired.
I'll do it tomorrow, Mom."
Tell 'em, tell 'em what you did.
"Oh, you'll do it tomorrow? You're tired?"
"Did I say that to the doctor
when it was time to give birth to you?"
"'I'm tired. I'll do it tomorrow?'"
"No. I let you rip my p*ssy to shreds."
[audience laughing]
I know it's awkward.
There's women in here like,
"This is a little too much."
No, it's not. It's not enough.
I don't know what happened in society
that took that superpower from you.
Every single woman
should be bragging about that sh*t.
You're the only ones that could do it.
You're the only ones that could do it.
You're the only ones that could do it.
But for some reason, you're not allowed
to brag about that sh*t.
You should be saying that sh*t. Say it!
"You ripped my p*ssy apart."
And if they don't wanna listen,
f*cking show it sometime.
Show the p*ssy. "Look at this.
Look, m*therf*cker, look."
"Look what the f*ck you did."
Watch. He'll start cleaning the windows.
[squeaking]
[audience laughing]
[Jo laughing]
Caleb, I was there.
When I saw her laying on the bed,
and she was about to give birth,
I just remember the whole thing.
Petting her head,
and all of a sudden, this dude
popped up from between her legs.
[audience laughing]
It wasn't the doctor
we were seeing for nine months.
It was some other m*therf*cker
that just popped up and went... [groaning]
"We need to make an incision."
I was like, "What?
Like... like a C-section?"
He goes, "No, no, no, we're past that."
This doctor was like, "We're past that."
I go, "We're past the C..."
"Is there another section?"
[audience laughing]
"Is there a D and an E
that no one told me about?"
"No. No, no. We're past the C-section."
"Your son's head is too big."
[audience laughing]
"So we need to cut the vag*na."
"We need to make a small incision
on the vag*na."
And I went...
[squealing]
[audience laughing]
[squealing continues]
That's exactly what I said.
[squealing]
[audience laughing]
The doctor's like,
"We need to make a decision now!"
And I go, "Hold on!"
"That is a lot of information."
"You're just gonna throw that at me
that you gotta cut her p*ssy away?"
"I didn't know that.
No one showed me that on the video."
"So hold on! Hold on!
It's a very serious f*cking question."
"Hold on!"
"Honey!"
"Honey!"
"Our son's head is too big."
"And he's gonna die
unless they cut your vag*na."
"And the doctor needs to know
is it okay to cut your vag*na,
or the baby's gonna die."
"So what do you wanna do?"
And then Angie turned into Hulk Hogan
from the WWE,
and looked at the doctor and went,
"Cut my p*ssy now, brother."
[audience laughing]
"Cut that p*ssy and rip that m*therf*cker
out my p*ssy now, brother. Oh yeah."
And then I went...
[squealing]
[audience laughing]
And then I looked at the doctor.
He already had a knife.
It didn't even look surgical.
It looked like a hunter's knife.
And he just stabbed her in the p*ssy.
[mimicking stabbing]
And then my son just fell out.
And hen I went like this... [gagging]
And I f*cking passed out.
[audience laughing]
There were three people
in the delivery room.
Her mom, my mom, and me.
And no one gave a f*ck about me.
The nurse gave my mom a smelling salt.
She put it under my nose, I woke up.
She goes,
"Get the f*ck up. Your son is here."
[audience laughing]
Everything was foggy and hazy.
There was this thing on her chest.
I say "thing" 'cause it didn't look human.
It was like pale, green, gray.
Spots of blood all over.
Eyes swollen shut.
Mouth just looking
for something to suck on.
[gargling]
Head elongated.
[audience laughing]
I was like, "What the f*ck is that?
The f*ck is that?"
"Whose is that?"
I looked. You know what I saw, Caleb?
When I saw my son on her...
You know what I saw, Caleb?
There was a... there was a tube stuck
to the stomach. Did you know that?
Guess where the rest
of the tube was, Caleb. Guess. Guess.
Inside her p*ssy.
[audience laughing]
Like my son was an iPhone,
and her p*ssy was a wall socket.
Just keeping it alive.
Just charging the battery.
Look at your mom.
Look at your mom, Caleb.
You did this to her.
Twelve years ago.
[audience laughing]
Guess what the doctor said.
He goes, "We need to get the rest out."
I go, "The rest of what?"
Then she pushed,
and a Gucci purse came out of her p*ssy.
[audience laughing]
A Gucci purse came out of her p*ssy.
And I went like this... [gagging]
I f*cking passed out again.
And I woke back up.
The doctor was holding
the umbilical cord in front of my face.
He gave me scissors.
He goes, "Bring your son into the world."
I tried to cut it, and it was too hard.
I go, "It's too hard."
"It won't cut. It won't cut."
And he took that knife and he went...
The blood hit my face. I went like this...
I f*cking passed out again.
'Cause I thought he just m*rder*d my baby.
[audience laughing]
Would you believe
that's not even the worst part, Caleb?
Do you wanna hear the worst part, Caleb?
You do?
Okay.
When I woke up, Caleb,
the doctor was sewing
her p*ssy back together.
Look at your mom.
You did that to her p*ssy.
Twelve years ago.
Just sewing the p*ssy back together.
No numbing shot. Just medieval.
[audience laughing]
That's what happened, Caleb.
That's what happened. Look at your mom!
You don't wanna clean your f*cking room?
[audience applauding, cheering]
I love you, guys. Thank you so much.
[MC] Brooklyn, New York,
give it up one more time
for Jo Koy!
[audience applauding, cheering]
I love you so much, Brooklyn. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Good night.
[applauding, cheering continues]
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