Die Hart 2: Die Harter (2024)

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

[Curtis Mayfield
singing "Move On Up"]

♪ Hush now child... ♪

[Kevin] I mean, I'm 30,000 feet
in the air, right?

They're saying, Kevin,
come on, please.

Kev, you got to put
on the parachute.

Everybody's going,
please, please, Kev.

At this point,
they're begging me.

Tell me that
the story ends

with you wearing the parachute.

Absolutely f*cking not, no! No!

No, I wanted to be authentic.
Right?

- It's got to be real.
- Yeah.

You know what Tom Cruise
calls parachutes? Diapers.

Is that because they fill up
when you're falling?

No. Tom told me, he said, Kevin,
they put me in a parachute,

they might as well put a diaper
on me and send me to pasture.

Look, Kevin... you know,

based on the success
of the first one,

we see massive franchise
potential with The Jefferson's.

And you know, your agent just
keeps saying that you might

be waffling on doing a sequel.

And I'm just here to ask,
is it about the money?

Look, Deb, The Jefferson's
is amazing, right?

We did amazing work there.

But I'll be honest,
when I walk on that set,

I feel like I'm being babysat.

I mean, they give me
g*dd*mn stunt coordinators.

I have... I have stage managers,
uh, wires, green screens.

Yes, a... and somehow,
you still manage to jump out

of an airplane without a chute.

I wasn't telling the truth
when I told you that,

but I forgot to say I was lying.

So let's take a pause, right?

Put a pin in that,
so you understand

that wasn't the truth.
I had to make that up.

I was pretending.

But you know why
I got to pretend?

Because I'm not a
real action star, Deb.

Kevin, you took a sitcom
about a dry cleaner,

and you turned him into
m*therf*cking Jason Bourne.

Okay? You are
a real action star.

- No, not yet.
- Not yet?

No. But I will be.

When you fund my next project.

Okay.

Deb, now, look, what
I'm about to tell you is going

to seem crazy at first,
but I promise you,

if you give it a chance,
you'll get it.

- Close your eyes.
- Okay.

Deb, I want you to picture
yourself going up a mountain.

[glass breaking]

[guests screaming]

[Man 1] On the ground!
Let's go!

[grunts]

Alright, you rich assholes!

[g*nf*re]

Wallets, Rolexes, jewelry!

All your fancy sh*t!

- What is taking so long?
- Put it in the bag!

Let's go!

[whispering]
Just stay calm. Stay calm.

[Man 2] Everything shiny!
Let's go!

[g*nf*re]

Get it in the bag!
Let's go!

[whispering]
They're coming this way.

I don't have all day here!

[whispering] sh*t, sh*t!
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Trying to hide, little man?

The f*ck did you just call me?

Bet you got a big wallet
for such a little man.

Now, put it in the bag!

You want my wallet? Huh?

Get back. I got this.

[whispering]
You got what?

- I want your g*n!
- sh*t!

You believe
this f*cking clown?

[grunting]

Give me your g*n!

[gasps]

Whoa.

You're just going to be
the first man in history

to sh**t somebody
with a safety on?

- What?
- Huh?

[grunting]

I don't like g*ns.

Oh, sh*t!

[groans]

- Not enough.
- God damn it.

sh*t.

[yells]

Nice to beef you,
m*therf*cker.

[applause]

Hey, it's not about me.
It's about you.

I'm glad everybody's safe.

It's a crazy world
that we're living in.

- A lot of nut jobs out here.
- Oh, Kevin!

Kevin?
What just happened?

Real g*dd*mn action!

That's what just happened.

- Okay.
- Real f*cking action.

That's the adrenaline
that I want audiences

across the globe to feel, Deb.

This... this was all staged?

Yeah! All of it.
They're actors.

I just wanted to give you
a little taste of what

our movie was about, right?

This is the movie that
we're going to make.

So what I did was,
I brought an outline, right?

A little rough outline
to give you a little idea

about what we're going to do.

- Oh, boy.
- Right?

The world of our movie lives

in improvised action.

It's spontaneous a*s-whoopins.
That's what this is about.

That guy spontaneously
hit you with a g*n.

[Kevin] You're talking
about Larry?

Larry! Hey!
You got me good.

- I'm gonna feel that one.
- Yeah, you are.

You g*dd*mn right.
[chuckling] f*cking Larry.

You're not well.
Oh, no, you're not well.

[Kevin] This is about me
getting a respect

that I deserve
as an action star, Deb!

[Deb chuckles]

What is it that
you want me to say here?

[Kevin] What do I
want you to say?

Deb, I want you to say,
I'll do it!

My answer is no. Never.

This is never going to happen,

not at my studio
or anyone else's. No.

[Kevin] Please?
- No.

[Kevin] Can you just give it a...
- No, no, no, no.

Deb, can you just...

Can you just please
give it a... give it a read?

[Deb] Oh.
- Okay? Here.

There you go.
That's all... that's all I want.

Can you just...

I'll read it.

We did it! Yeah!

[applause]

[horn honking]

Hello, Mr. Greenlight!
She loved it, right?

I told you she was
going to love it!

What's the budget she
gave you? $300 million?

$400... $500 million for this?

Just drive.

I am so sorry, Kevin.
That's not... that is not fair.

You are a king, and this town
doesn't deserve you.

Do you hear me?
You are a king!

You are my king! Praise!

Praise!

Wait a second.
Is that her right there?

Is that her, the one
throwing away the script?

Is that her right there?
Excuse me, ma'am!

Excuse me, ma'am, in
the red jacket! How are you?

Kevin Darnell Hart
is a national treasure!

- A national treasure!
- Just drive the car!

[Andre] We're going
to drive the car!

But honestly,
get your sh*t together!

Nice to meet you!

[Kevin] Drive the f*cking car,
Andre!

[instrumental music]

[upbeat music]

Today is gonna be the most
amazing day of your life.

Your papers.

You say the same thing
every day, Andre.

- And every day, you're wrong.
- Oh, well, come on.

You're just cranky,
because you haven't

had your tofu tahini smoothie.

I'll get that for you right now.
Sophie! His TT!

I really hate that
you call it that.

Here we go.
Big gulps.

- There you go.
- No.

I'm cranky, because the movie
of my dreams just flamed. Okay?

Now, I don't know what
I'm going to do with my life.

Well, I mean, come on, man.
You still have us.

That's amazing, right?
You have us.

What the hell does that mean?
Ooh.

Hannah, Sophie, me,
your man TJ right over here!

I'm talking about your village!

I know what you need.
I know what you need.

A massage.

Nina, these are all set up
for the new hot stones?

I can be in about ten minutes.

She can be in about ten minutes.

Kevin, the crew
are ready whenever you are.

Yeah. I'm ready.

[Andre] You got this!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There you go.

Oh, God.
How you doing?

Good. Great.

Kev, now just pretend you're
biking through the Swiss Alps.

We'll CG the Alps in later.

What is that?

I'm on foot, though.
I need a bike, right?

We'll CG that in, too.
Action!

[Kevin] You just want me to...

[Director] Just go for it.

Act like
I'm riding a bike?

- Exactly.
[Andre] Straight arms.

Kevin, look at this.
Kevin, look at this.

[Kevin] Hey, man.
Not... No!

I can't... can't do this sh*t!
I can't.

I... I cannot do
this sh*t any more! Alright?

I'm tired of the CGI and
the g*dd*mn green screens,

all this fake sh*t!

No, uh...

[Kevin] I want real
f*cking action!

- Ah!
[Andre] Kevin, no!

Nina? What's the ETA
on those hot stones?

[yells]

[crowd screaming]

[Reporter] It appears
A-list actor

Kevin Hart is back
in the news again.

Star of the high-octane reboot
of The Jefferson's,

Hart has spent his own money
destroying a high-end Hollywood

restaurant in an
attempt to woo a studio

boss into financing what
he refers to

as a cinema verité-style
action film.

This comes just a year
after the actor famously

fired his long-time
stuntman Doug Eubanks

in the middle of production,
a decision

that left insiders dumbfounded.

Bring me this man.

[ominous music]

Bring me this Kevin Hart.

[Reporter]
...also known as Mr. 206.

[Kevin] Wow.
This is big, man.

No, like, this is really big.

Andre, I don't think
you understand!

I cast my dream out into
the universe, and guess what?

Karl Stromberg comes running!

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

But I got to say, boss.
I don't like it.

I mean, you don't even know
this guy, right?

I tried to look him up,
and nothing came up on Google.

Duh.
It's because he's European.

They got their own Google.
Everybody knows that. Alright?

Listen, the guy is loaded,
got tons of money.

And if his desire is to make
my movie, then so be it.

- I'm good.
- I can't do it, boss.

I am so sorry.
I can't do it.

My job is to look out for your
best interest, and I don't...

Uh, what did you just say?

It's my job
to look out for your...

It's not your job.

As a matter of fact, that's the
complete opposite of your job.

You know who
looks out for me, Andre? Me.

That's who looks out for me.
Me!

Okay?

- You know what? Pull over.
- What?

Pull over. I'm driving myself.
I don't want you...

Kevin, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

Kevin, you can't drive yourself.
You need me!

- You need me!
- I do not need you.

Correction!
[chuckles] I don't need you!

I didn't need my stunt man!

I damn sure don't
need an assistant

telling me how to live my life.

Pull over!

[car honking]

Don't... don't hold the wheel
in the middle!

Shut up, Andre!
I said shut up!

- I know how to drive!
- We know!

We all know!
He knows how to drive a car!

We know! But let's say you
put your hand down.

- You pop it in D.
- Pop it in first!

Nope, that's reverse!
Whoa! You know what?

Why don't I help you out?

I'll get in there, I'll start
her up, I'll roll out,

and everybody will
think it was you.

[Kevin] I don't want your help!

Good, good, good! Good!

Good! Good, good, good!

[Kevin] Yeah, smooth!
Very smooth!

- You're leaving!
[Kevin] Yeah! f*ck off!

I'll drive all the way home!

[cigar cutter clinks]

[inhales]

[exhales]

[opera music]

So, Karl...

Karl, what is it, uh, what is
that you do for a living, man?

I made my fortune
mining precious metals.

[Kevin] Mm.

Now, I finance films,
primarily in the Balkans,

once in North Korea.

It's probably hard
to get permits over there, huh?

Permits are for cowards.

Your outline... is dangerous.

It's violent.

It's almost no narrative
that makes

sense to a regular human being.

I am not
the regular human being. No.

- I am Karl Stromberg.
- Yeah.

[Karl] And that is why...

I will finance
this film for you.

What did you just say to me?

You're telling me
that you're going

to finance my g*dd*mn movie?
Huh?

[chuckles] Dude, you just
made my day, man!

And I don't have to do my pitch!
Because my pitch is expensive.

I ain't going to
break all this glass

and stuff in here, because
I know I got to pay for it.

Dude! You just...

I was in a dark place, Karl.

I was in a real dark place, man.

You just pulled me
out of a dark place.

Because people
underestimate you.

Yeah.

When you left comedy
for the action,

they said you'd fail.

Did they?

When you fired your stuntman
to do your own stunts...

they said you would fail.

You heard about that?

[Karl] Everyone heard about
that.

It's only you and Tom Cruise
who do your own stunts now.

That's... that's a fact.

Two peas in a pod, man.
What's going on?

What you doing?

This film, Kevin...

will put you
in your own category.

Ah! One pea in one pod.

Yes, right.

That's right.
One pea, one pod.

Hell, yeah.

That's what
it's supposed to be, Karl.

You know what, man?
I know we just met,

but I feel like
I've known you for a long time,

because you get me.

I'm so sick of this...

this CG and this
green screen sh*t!

So what'd you think of
the story, Karl? About me...

No one watches movies
for the story.

Yeah.

They watch it for the action.

And the nudity.

I don't really...

I don't really have
any d*ck in my script.

But if you want some,
if you feel like people want

to see d*ck,
I can add some d*ck.

I can... I'm not afraid
to go full frontal.

I'll do it. Right?

If that's what the people want.

My biggest thing, though,
is the action, man.

I just don't...
I don't want to see it coming.

Right?
I want to be caught off guard.

- You will sh*t your pants!
- What you talkin' about?

We will have a change of pants
available at all times

for when you sh*t your pants.

[inhales]
Because I'm scared.

[Karl] You will sh*t.
- I... I will sh*t.

[Karl] You will sh*t...
- Yeah.

[Karl] ...your pants.
- I'll sh*t my g*dd*mn pants.

You will sh*t!

[Kevin] I want to sh*t!
- You will sh*t.

[Kevin] Alright! I wanna sh*t!

- You wanna sh*t?
- Yeah! I will sh*t!

You sh*t your pants!

I'm ready
to sh*t my pants, Karl!

I want to sh*t my pants!
Right now!

When... when do we start
so I can sh*t!

[Karl] We already have.

There's a camera hidden
right behind you.

[ominous music]

Ohh!

[chuckles] I think I see it!

The little... the black...
the space with the black, right?

[g*nsh*t]

[weak groaning]

[moaning]

[cutter clinking]

[groaning]

[yelling]

[screaming]

Back up!

Get your a*s back!

I don't know who you think
you messing with,

but I tell you, you got...

Oh, sh*t!

He going to f*cking eat my a*s!

He going to eat my a*s and
set me on fire or some sh*t,

ain't you?

Who are you? Huh?

Where am I?
Tell me... tell me where I'm at!

Who...
Wait a minute.

Do you work,
you work for Karl Stromberg?

I said, do you work
for Karl Stromberg?

Okay.

Okay. Okay, we in it.

This is it.
We're doing it.

Okay, Karl!
I like it! I like it!

Um, okay, sh*t.

Okay, let me see. Where...
where are we in the script?

God, my adrenaline's
flowing so much.

You got me! I thought you was
really trying to eat my a*s!

Alright.
Uh, okay, three, two, one.

[blabbers] Okay.

Rice, peas, carrots, let's go.
[sniffles]

[dramatic music]

You know, I've been searching
the globe for you.

You're a hard man to find,
Mr. Bartholomew.

I think you got a line.

You got a line!

Uh, you say your part,
and I'll react off of that.

Because what you say
sets me up to now have my...

Unless you're not union. Or...
Is he union or no?

Guys?
Can you not just...

Okay.

Oh, rewrite.
There must have been pink pages.

Okay.
Uh, let me get back in.

[clinking]

What you going to do with those?

Chop off my finger? Hmm?

Cut off my leg?
My foot?

[clinking]

Newsflash, I only need
one foot to kick your a*s.

That is a trailer moment!
Guys! I only...

[Man on speaker] Good evening.

Do not use the shears
on this man.

[Kevin] Is that...
is that the producer?

Is that Karl? Karl!

[Man on speaker] He must
atone for his sins.

What is that?
Atone for my... I don't know...

[Man on speaker]
He must feel the pain

he has made others feel.

Yeah, I'm lost, guys.
I don't know where we are.

Um, if we're going
to do rewrites,

you guys got to
give me the pages.

I'll stay in it.
I'll stay in it. Uh...

[metallic whirring]

Okay, alright. Okay.

Why don't we... why don't we
take it easy?

Because I know why
you're mad, huh?

You're mad because...
Stop right there.

Let's stop right there.
No, no, no.

Let's make that your mark.
Nope, stop right there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Hey!

[Man on speaker] Count to ten.

No, f*ck you! Wait!

Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey! Hey, man!

Hey!
No, no, don't cut my d*ck!

Don't cut my d*ck!
That's not... Okay, use it.

I'mma use it!
Stay in it.

[grunts]

Yeah!

Two.

[Kevin] Come on!

Come on!

[yelling]

[sighs]

Damn it!

No, not today.

Yeah!

Did we get it? Huh?

[laughs] Spin it!
We got it!

Yeah! Oh!

[ominous music]

Comin' to beat
your a*s, Montoya.

This set's incredible.
So good.

sh*t!

It's Montoya's men.

[woman yells]

Jordan?
The hell are you doing here?

[muffled yelling]

Son of a b*tch!

Did they hurt you? Hm?
Did they hurt you?

Kevin, what the hell
is going on?

The uranium heist.
That's what's going on.

- Wait, what?
- I already handled Bartholomew.

But General Montoya, he's not
going to let us off as easy.

What the hell
are you talking about?

sh*t!

I was walking my dog,

and someone hit me
in the f*cking neck

with a tranquillizer dart!

- Huh?
- And I ended up here.

What are
you talking about?

You didn't talk
to Karl Stromberg?

Who?

Karl Stromberg
about the movie?

Right now, we're in it!
This is the movie!

It's a live-action movie!

We're improving
all the action scenes!

No green screen,
no f*cking cables.

It's real, raw.

He's going to take
my acting career

and my action status
to the next level.

So this is all your fault?

[Kevin] Well, I mean,
it's my script.

It took me I don't know how
long to develop it. But Karl...

- What the hell is your problem!
- Stop!

What is wrong with you?

- sh*t! Ow!
- Annoying!

Stop. sh*t!
That's sharp!

How long were you
laying on that?

Damn it!

Now, why you got an attitude?

This is a simple outline!
It's a layup!

Okay?
I'm a triple agent.

MI-7.
I'm the highest of high, right?

Like, you can't get higher
than where I am.

But you... you're
my love interest.

They took you hostage because
they knew that's the only way

to get to me.

So now, I'm here,
and I got to get you.

- You understand what...
- You're pathetic.

And I'm pretty sure
that kidnapping is a felony.

Well, I'm pretty sure
that when you're an adult,

they don't call it kidnapping.

So that's... [chuckles]
That's pathetic.

f*ck you, Kevin.

What do you mean f*ck me?
Why are you at me?

You should be mad at
Karl Stromberg! Not me!

I do not know who that is!

Shh!

[ominous music]

You don't want him to hear you.

Who?
Who will hear me?

There's no one here!
And do not say Karl Stromberg.

Are you saying Strum or Strom?

Is it Strum or Stromberg?
Because I don't know.

[Kevin] Okay, hey, hey, hey.

There are cameras everywhere.

We're filming a movie!

Where?

Where?
There are no cameras anywhere!

Will you look around?
There's cameras everywhere!

Okay, listen. Listen.

All I need you to do is
just grasp what's going on.

This is a big opportunity
for both of us.

Okay? Just get in character.

Please?

[dramatic music]

They got this place locked down
tighter than Fort Knox.

Oh, God.
You wrote this dialogue?

Those m*therf*ckers knew
I would come rescue you.

Beautiful damsel in distress
like yourself.

[music stops]

Yep.
Thank you for rescuing me.

Just like any woman,
I wouldn't know what to do

if a man didn't show up
to save me and tell me to eat

so I don't starve and breathe
oxygen, so I don't suffocate.

Let's cut. Let's cut.

Can we cut?

Can you work with me?

- I'd rather not.
- Please.

[Kevin] Thank you.
- Okay.

[Kevin] Alright, guys, we're
going to go again. Alright?

Self-action.

[dramatic music]

Do you have any idea what's on
the other side of that door?

There are some dangerous men
on the other side of that door.

I'm talking mercenaries,
K*llers, ninjas,

failed karate school
instructors,

people that want
to do bad things to me

just because they can.

There's a bounty
on my f*cking head.

I'll tell you what, Esmeralda.

I'll pay that bounty.

And I will give them my head...
if it meant saving your life

so that you can
finish med school

and open up that clinic that
you always wanted to...

Ow! sh*t!

Open up that clinic
that you always wanted...

Esmeralda, wait.

Esmeralda! Hey!

[ominous music]

Oh, you f*cking piece of sh*t!

You leave her out of it,
you hear me?

She's got nothing
to do with this.

This is between me, you, and the


[glass breaking]

Alright.
That's how you want to have it?

Let's have at it.

I'm so over this.

Kevin, next time you have
a terrible movie idea,

leave me out of it, yeah?

- Ah!
- Oh, sh*t!

[groaning]

I'm sorry, but did
this central casting goon

just hit me in the face
with a real f*cking a*s... Cut.

No, no, no, we need
to cut right now!

I don't know what weird
production this is,

but I need to speak
to a producer!

[yelling]

Is that all you've got?

Jordan.
Let me get in there now.

Slam his a*s!

[yelling]

Jordan!
Let my character get some!

Tag me in!

[yelling]

[glass breaking]

Damn!

[yelling]

Hold it.

Hold it.

Yeah!

Whoa! We got that!

What a scene!

Good job!
Here.

I think I'm the one
that was supposed

to kick his a*s, though.

Because I'm the lead.

So I'm quite sure that
was supposed to be me.

But we'll fix it in post...

[g*nf*re]

Go, go, go! Go!

[panting]

[Jordan] That guy was
trying to k*ll me!

Kevin, not acting!

Not a movie!
Literally trying to k*ll me!

No. It's cinema verité.

I know it's a little different,
but that's what it is.

Different? A little f*cking
different, Kevin?

- Wow, sh*t!
- Are you okay?

Yeah, I know you're just
trying to get me to apologize.

- Just give me a second. What?
- Kevin.

You've been hit.
With a real f*cking b*llet!

That's not real blood.

[Jordan] What?

- Of course it's real blood!
- No. Taste it.

I'm not going
to taste your blood, Kevin!

You can! You can!
It's pig's blood!

It's not my blood.
[chuckles]

[Jordan] Does that feel fake?

- Ow! Ow!
- sh*t! sh*t, sh*t.

I gotta lay down!

I gotta lay down!

Kevin!

Kevin!

No, no, no, no, no!
Wait, look!

There's a photographer! Look.
He wants your picture! See?

Go on! What the f*ck!

If I had what now?

[Jordan] Just an
unexpected accident

with a very small,

flying, fast, like projectile
object through his shoulder.

And I just think
some painkillers

would really help him.

Mm-hmm.

I know I don't have
a prescription,

but I can assure you,
this is an emergency.

I see.

You want to score
some good drugs?

Some xannies,
some ox, chuckleheads,

wet Garys, Shriek and
Jimmy's, moon pie, spider pie?

Look, I'm not a drug addict!

I'm an actor!
Don't you recognize me?

Um...

Okay, it doesn't matter.
Alright?

My idiot friend got shot
with a real b*llet,

an actual f*cking b*llet
from an actual f*cking g*n!

And now, he's bleeding out
in your alleyway!

And if you don't help me
help him,

you're going to have
a body on your hands!

Would I know him from anywhere?

[sighs]

[Jordan] You're lucky
it just grazed you.

Here.
It's the best I could do.

- The hell is this?
- It's for the pain.

Pharmacist was
a real piece of work.

Well, you're a piece of work
for bringing

this out here to me.

I can't drink this.
This is my competitor!

You got to go back in there
and ask for Grand Cormino.

Are you being serious
right now?

Kevin, you've been shot!
I was kidnapped!

- Grown woman acting. Okay.
- You need to fix this!

- You need to fix this now!
- I told you, I can't! Okay?

Even if I wanted to,
I can't do it.

And by the way,
it's all by design.

I gave all the rights
over to Karl Stromberg,

who is a great precious
metals magnate.

You do hear
how that sounds, right?

You... you hear the words?

You know, Andre was right.

Andre, your assistant?

Yes, my assistant.
No, my former assistant.

He was right, though.
You know what we're going to do?

We're going to pay
Karl Stromberg a visit.

Yeah, that's exactly
what we're going to do.

We're going to tell him
he needs to get back on book.

Because right now, he's not
following my guidelines at all.

And we're all over the place.

In order for this movie
to be the best thing

that we know that it can be,
we got to get back on pace.

Okay?
We're paying him a visit.

[Kevin] Well, at least my car
is still here.

Yeah, but it's the only one.

This place is dead.

Yes, because it's the weekend.
That's why.

Kevin, it's Tuesday.

[Kevin] Oh.

Wait, what the f*ck?

Kevin, it doesn't look
like anyone's

been here for weeks.

No, that's not true.

I was just here.
I was just here.

Stromberg was right there.
Okay?

That was the last week, or it
may have been a week before.

I don't know what week
it was, because I

got knocked the f*ck out.
But I was here.

He was sitting at a desk,
right here.

This is where he was.
He was...

Hmm?

You will sh*t your pants!

I'm not crazy.

I knew he was here.

Would I have this
if he wasn't here?

It's the butt to his cigar.

You know what he was doing?

He was doing real weird
stuff with the cigar,

licking it, putting it in his
nose, slobbering all on it.

I was watching him
while he was doing it.

Closing his eyes.

[sniffs] All of a sudden...

[Jordan] Why did you
have to drag me

into your stupid fantasy
death wish movie?

What are you talking about?

All I said was think
somebody like Jordan King.

Keyword, "think."
It was a suggestion.

Oh, great.
Thanks for the suggestion.

He probably wanted you
because you're one

of the biggest stars in Sweden.
What if that's the case?

I'm pretty sure
Greta Thunberg

is the biggest star in Sweden.

The environmental activist?

Yeah, they have
their priorities straight.

Hey, whoa.

Wait a minute. Come here.
What's this?

Look.

[Jordan sighs]

Look, will you just look?

[tense music]

The hell is this?

Whoa. It's the VHS.

I haven't seen one
of these in years.

Hey, it's Brian Penn from
Buchwald Associates reading fo...

Um, I'm sorry,
is it Stromberg or...

- That's Karl Stromberg!
[Man on TV] It's Stromberg.

It's him! I mean, he...

It's different hair,
but it's him!

Bring me this man,
this... Kevin Hart.

I... I'm actually going
to go thicker.

Kevin, it's an audition tape.

Yeah, well, obviously.
I can see that.

I see that
it's an audition tape.

The question is, why?
Why is it an audition tape?

Oh, my god. Wait a minute,
is Karl Stromberg even real?

[Jordan] What, you didn't
google him before the meeting?

[Kevin] He's from Sweden.

You want me to go all the
way to Sweden and google?

That's ridiculous. Stop.

[Jordan] Are you on drugs?

[phone ringing]

Quick, answer it!

Hello?

[Man on phone]
Hello, Mr. Action Star.

Congratulations.
You escaped.

Uh, do you know
you shot me with a real b*llet?

[Man on phone]
Of course I know.

That b*llet was
meant to k*ll you.

Oh, that's stupid.

You k*ll me, and then
you don't have a movie.

[Man on phone] You moron.
There is no movie.

There never was.

What do you mean
there's no movie?

You'd better stop
talking like that.

That's blasphemy,
and you know it.

There is a movie.
Okay, who is this?

Are you the producer?

[Man on phone] You have
forgotten who you are,

where you came from.

I didn't... didn't anybody
forget where they came from.

[Man on phone]
Then what was the name

of your first elementary
school teacher?

Ms. Foxen.

No, Ms. Clarkson... Clarkson...
Clarkson.

Yeah, Ms. Clarkson.

[Man on phone] And the hospital
where you were born?

What does that have to do
with anything?

[Man on phone] The name.

[whispering] Go on.

Uh, Saint Falkenstein.

- That sounds wrong.
- Saint Falkenstein Hospital.

What... Hey!
Enough of this sh*t!

Cut the sh*t!
Who are you?

Who the f*ck are you?

[Man on phone]
I'm the person who's brought

an end to your life.

You are no longer cared for.

- You're worth nothing.
- Uh, excuse me.

Can I ask why I've been
dragged into this?

[line disconnects]

Great, Kevin! You took all
the phone time with him!

[Kevin] Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse the f*ck out of me
for trying to figure out

what was going on with my life,
trying to hear

a serial k*ller voice out.

I'm sorry that
I inconvenienced you!

- Shh! Shh!
- g*dd*mn it, Jordan!

Shh! Do you hear that?

[quiet beeping]

It's the VCR.

What the f*ck?

[gasps] Oh, f*ck, it's a b*mb.

- What?
- It's a f*cking b*mb.

Well, disarm it!

You f*cking disarm it!

Oh, yeah, 'cause
I know how to disarm a b*mb.

Oh, I do 'cause I'm Black?
That's what you think?

Every Black man know
how to disarm a b*mb?

That is not a thing, Kevin.

[Kevin] Oh, I bet
it's not a thing.

Get your r*cist a*s back.
Move, move!

Quick, quick, quick. Come on.

Oh, my God.
Open it, open it.

[grunts]
Pull, pull!

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Back.
Get back, get back, get back!

sh*t.

[clanging]

[clanging stops]

Okay.

Well, I guess it
is just a movie.

Yeah, and that was a fake b*mb...

[expl*si*n]

Whoa!

[alarm blaring]

[both coughing]

[Andre] Where's my keys?

- Oh, my god!
- Oh, you're okay.

You're okay.
What was that sound?

Andre? What the hell are
you doing here?

- Come on, go.
- What are you talking about?

- We gotta go.
- I'll get the door for you.

Go now!

Kevin, that was
a real f*cking b*mb.

A real f*cking b*mb!

Okay, Jordan, well, can you
put yourself in my shoes?

I will not, no. No.

I do not have to do that.
Do you know what?

Just shut up.
Shut the f*ck up.

Hey, Jordan. I'm Andre.
I don't know if you remember me.

Hey, man,
put your hand on the wheel.

[Andre] You got it.

I'm actually...
I'm Kevin's protege.

Sorry, I'm Kevin's assistant...
Former assistant. f*ck me.

Of course I remember you,
Andre. So what?

Kevin kicked you out in the
middle of the street, did he?

No, pish-posh.
No, of course not.

Technically, it was the sidewalk
and I love Skid Row.

Everybody's got a story to tell.

So many teachable moments.

Wait, you... you didn't go home?

You just waited here
this whole time?

Well, yeah. I mean, I always
carry a spare key, right?

That's what I do.
And I don't mind waiting.

- It was a quick 25, 30 hours.
- Thirty hours?

I would wait a lifetime
to make sure Kevin is okay.

Stop it. Stop it.
I didn't ask you to do that.

- Don't act like I did.
- I know, I know.

And I know you fired me.

Oh, right, you fired him

because he tried to warn you
about the Swedish mobster that

was actually a shitty actor
who was working

for someone trying to m*rder us.

Okay, I don't understand
what's happening.

I really don't.
And Jordan,

I'm just gonna throw this
out there right now.

I feel like you're still
mad at me.

I will never not be mad at you
for the rest of my life.

I am so sorry to interrupt,
but where am I going?

Because I've just been driving.

Hey, hey,
we're going to my house.

- You got it.
- Okay, go to my house.

No, I'm not going to your house.

- I'm going to my house.
- Your house it is.

No, you're not going
to your house,

because I need to know
that you're safe.

Oh, right, yeah,
just like Andre wanted

to make sure you were safe.

[Kevin] You know what?
I know what you're doing.

I know exactly
what you're doing.

You're trying to do
one of those things

where you make me evaluate
who I am as a person, right?

That's what you're trying to do.
But guess what?

I'm not gonna do that,
because who I am as a person

is who I'm okay with,
and I'm settled in.

[beeping]

[Andre] It's not working.
I'm gonna try one more time.

Are you sure you're
punching in the right code?

Of course, man.
It's your birthday,

like I'd ever forget that.
It's tattooed on my inner thigh.

I rub it every morning.

- See what I'm dealing with?
- Okay.

All the time,
this is what it is.

- It's not working.
[Jordan] Wait, wait, wait.

Maybe the person who's
behind all of this

changed the gate code.

[Kevin] Wait,
and they think I'm dead.

So maybe this is to
our advantage, right?

[Andre] Hm.
[Jordan] Maybe.

Yeah, no, there's...
Oh, sh*t, security.

It's security, Jordan.
Get in the back. Hide.

Dude, maybe we just exit now.
Should I go now?

[Kevin] No, no, no. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

[Andre] I should just...
I'm gonna leave.

You have to leave.
Stop, stop, stop.

[Andre] Are you sure? He's huge.
He doesn't like me.

[Guard] Sir...
- Hey, what's going on?

How are you, my man?
Nice to meet you.

Are you aware you're trespassing
on private property?

I did not.
I... I was not aware, no.

Please reverse out
and have a nice day.

- You got it, my man.
[Kevin] No, do not reverse.

- You can't reverse.
- You know what?

I'm not... I can't...

My boss actually
lives inside there.

So if I can just jump in there
real quick, it'd be great.

Reverse out now,
and no one has to get

pumped full of electricity.

Of course.
I'm positive no one needs that.

No, do not reverse.
Do not reverse.

- Do not reverse.
- I'm not gonna reverse.

Do not f*ck with me.

[Kevin] He's bluffing.
- You're bluffing.

I assure you,
I'm not bluffing.

He's f*cking bluffing.

- f*ck with him. He's bluffing.
- f*ck you. You're full of...

[electricity crackling]

[gibbering]

Compliments of Mr. H.

[Kevin] Well, I didn't tell him
to do that.

[Jordan] Andre?
[Kevin] Is he okay?

[Jordan] Andre? Andre?

[Jordan] Hey, Andre, m... maybe
one of us should just drive.

[laughing] No, you don't have
to worry about that. I got it.

- I got you, my man.
- Damn it.

I got a crook in my neck
that's a b*tch.

I... I swear, I gotta get to
Nina so she can fix this.

- Who's Nina?
- Kevin's full-time masseuse.

She's my full-time masseuse.

[laughs] Of course.

Oh, okay, well,
I'm glad that my life

getting destroyed amuses you.

Well, didn't you basically
ask for all of this?

[mimicking Jordan] No, I didn't
basically ask for all of this.

I did not do that.
I asked for a movie.

There's a big difference.

A movie has cameras
and sound, lights.

That's what that has in it.

This is not the same,
not the same.

We need to go to the police.

[Kevin] No, no, we do not
need to go to police.

Whoever this guy is, he thinks
that we're dead, right?

So we use that to
our advantage, okay?

We make him think
th... that we're not here.

We disappear. We just gotta
figure out where to go.

Man, this is where Natasha
would come in handy,

'cause she would know exactly
where we should go.

- And who the hell is Natasha?
- She handles...

She's Kevin's Airbnb consultant.

- This is getting ridiculous.
- Oh, my God.

I know exactly where we can go

where no one would
ever search for us.

Who's in?

Who's in?

Okay, make yourself at home.

Uh, do you guys want
anything to drink?

Kombucha, coffee, tea?

Yes, yes,
kombucha would be great.

I don't have it.
You called my bluff.

I don't have kombucha.
I'm sorry.

- No, water would be brilliant.
- Water is gonna be great.

- Thank you, Andre.
- Fantastic.

And you? You want some water?

I'm not putting my mouth
on a cup of this house.

Nice, nice.

Jesus Christ,
you actually live here?

[Andre] Yeah, my little
slice of heaven.

- Ugh.
[Andre] What was that?

- I said, ugh.
- I love it.

- It's actually really charming.
[Andre] Thank you.

You know, my mom and I
are kind of always

messing with the motif in here.

Went through a huge
Southwestern phase.

So much turquoise.

[Andre and Jordan laugh]

So your mom
helped you decorate?

Oh, yeah, big-time.
She's my roommate.

[Kevin scoffs]

- She's right there.
- You gotta be sh1tting me.

No, no, no, don't be afraid.

Don't be afraid.
Watch this.

- You want to meet her?
[Kevin] No, I don't have to.

Here we go.
Mom, you're okay?

- Your mouth was open real wide.
[Kevin] Oh, my God.

- Oh, my. Oh, my.
- Don't charge me.

- Oh, my God.
[Andre] Fix your bra.

It's... it's Kevin Hart,
America's treasure.

It's a family...
No, you don't have to...

Oh!

And... and Jordan King.

Or should I call you Wheezy?

[laughs] No,
that's just a role

I'm not paid
nearly enough to play.

Uh, "Jordan" is fine.

[laughs] Come here.
I gotta squeeze ya.

Come here. Oh!

You two gotta eat.
We're gonna have a feast.

Andre, go to the freezer.

We're gonna defrost
the Christmas pork chop.

We're doing
the Christmas pork chops?

[Andre] We've been waiting
for this for, like, six years.

I don't think
we have that much time.

You don't have to do that. We
don't want to steal your meat.

- We have plenty of time.
- You gotta save that meat.

You're eating my meat.

[Andre] Tell him, mom.
Tell him!

- No, no, no, no.
- You're gonna want my meat.

No, we don't want your meat.

People talk about it
all the time.

- Well, we don't...
- Did you hurt yourself?

[Kevin] This is not...
- Did you know there was...

Ah, sh*t, woman!

Did you know
there was blood there?

- Yeah... Ow, ow!
- And up here?

- Stop.
- God, you are Kevin Hart.

You can't walk around
with bloody clothes on.

You're too sophisticated.
Take your shirt off.

- Come on, I'm gonna wash it.
- That's alright.

I'm already doing a bloody load.

Come on, take it off. Come on.

[Andre] Take it off, Kevin.
What are we doing?

- Yeah.
[Andre] Come on.

[Jordan] So nice of you.
- Somebody's got a cute tummy.

[Andre laughs]

[Kevin] Come on, that's a lie.
- Mom, look at him.

Remember, I was telling you
about his belly button?

It's right there, mom.
You got it.

Take my chance.
[blows raspberry]

Oh, god. Let me just...
Please, let me get it.

Stop it, please.
[Cynthia] Oh my goodness.

[Kevin] Thank you. You got...
- Oh, that's...

- You gotta be kidding me.
- Well, that hit my eyes.

That is... that is...

- That's a man right there.
- Yeah, we were filming.

[Cynthia] That is good.
- We're doing an improv action...

I can't believe he's in
our house. I love you so much.

[Kevin] ...movie where
basically all of the action...

- Such nice people.
- Nice people?

- Who?
- You're so mean.

How can you be mean to this guy?
Look at him.

He might be the nicest, sweetest
person I've ever encountered.

How could you fire him?

You want me to start
at the beginning? I don't know.

Maybe because he doesn't
respect boundaries.

- He cares about you.
- Oh, you just stop it.

The man clipped my g*dd*mn
toenails one time...

while I was in bed...
with a woman.

Exactly. Struggling, by the way,
to perform.

Had a lot on my mind,
a lot on my mind.

Brown gummy worm
was in full effect.

- I don't want to know this.
- Loose noodle.

Call it what you want.
I looked down.

I see his face looking up at me.
Now I got no shot.

Okay, thank you for the context.

Just giving you...
giving you a play-by-play.

But listen, when I go to set,
it's me acting, right?

But to get there, I've got reps,
my dialect coach, my assistant.

And then there's
personal trainer,

hair stylists, makeup artists.
The... the list goes on.

And then there's family and
friends who have supported me

and sacrificed for me.

I'm sorry. I got lost
in what you were saying

'cause I felt it was bullshit.

You have that, too, Kevin,
and then some, okay?

It's why you're a star.

No, that's not true.

I'm a star because I made
myself a star with this.

Sure, yeah, that's the story
you keep telling yourself,

but you had help.

Okay.

Hey, how are you guys doing?

[laughs] The pork chops
are smelling

so much like shrimp right now,
it's amazing.

I got you a shirt, my man.

I think it'll fit perfectly,
okay?

- Do you see it?
[Kevin] Nice.

[Andre] Yeah,
I made that myself.

Okay, thank you for that.

Ah, I wanted to ask you earlier,
but I didn't get a chance to.

Who's... who's that?

- This one?
- Yeah.

That's my dad.
He's been gone a long time.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Same.

Hey, you know, my mom raised me.

I know.

Did your dad, uh,
get a little afraid

of parenthood and run off?

It wasn't anything
like that, actually.

He was amazing.
He was kind.

Uh, he was gentle.

By the way,
Richard Pryor's assistant.

Your dad is Rich...

I guess
you could say assisting

just runs in the family, right?

Wow. That's legendary, man.

- It is, right?
- That's huge.

It's huge,
until it k*lled him.

What do you mean?

It's a big show, and crazy fan
got through security.

So my dad jumped in
the way of a knife

that was meant
for Richard Pryor.

[Kevin] You're playing.
[Andre] No.

- Cut him from the stomach...
- What?

Right up, back down.

- What?
- k*lled my dad on the spot.

Oh, my God, man.

I can't.
I can't process that.

Neither could I. It was enormous
for our whole family.

Why would somebody
want to k*ll Richard Pryor?

Huh?

- Who?
[Andre] Well, yeah, why?

That's crazy, right?

Yeah.
I bet, by the way...

I bet my dad, when he
was dying, was looking up

and was like, Why would you do
this, or something like that.

- Has to be, right?
- Maybe, maybe. Maybe not.

I mean, at that point,
that's not what's important.

Somebody tried to k*ll Richard.

Right, my dad was already dead.

The thing we gotta
worry about is...

- Who is this guy?
- God's gonna do...

Are there more of 'em?
Yeah.

- Okay? You can't rewrite that.
- No.

No, we can't.
I tried to.

God, I've been
to so much therapy

trying to rewrite that moment.
What could I have done?

I was a child, but maybe I
could have jumped in the way,

or something like that.
Yeah.

On the bright side, though,
if you think about it,

he died doing what he
loved the most, assisting.

He was so happy
that he brought joy

to someone who brought joy
to so many people.

He taught me every
single thing I knew.

You know, man, maybe...

Maybe I didn't mean to fire you.

I think your exact words were,
I didn't need a stunt man.

I sure as hell
don't need an assistant.

You said it to me.
You yelled it.

And then you told me
to get out of your car, right?

Oh, no, you're absolutely...
You're... you're right.

But I'm just saying,
now, looking back,

I'm saying, maybe I do...

Maybe I still do
need an assistant.

Oh, God. Alright?

- I need you, too.
- No...

- I need you, too.
- Not the same.

- Oh, f*ck.
- Yeah.

I have never been this hard.

Alright, I'm gonna
tell my mom.

Mom, you'll never believe it!

Congratulations.

Something else, huh?

[groans]

[Jordan] I'm proud of you.
- Shut up.

You know, if you start
treating everyone

in the Kevin Hart universe
with that level of respect,

I think you'll be happy
with your life.

You really are
something else.

I mean, you paint me out
to be such a monster.

Name one other person that
I have disrespected, just one.

Give me one.

I can absolutely
name someone.

[Kevin] Hey, Jordan.
- Yeah, hi.

I just looked
at the call sheet.

I didn't see your
stunt double on there.

- Oh, I sent her home.
- Why?

Well, I grew up on motorcycles,
and it's a simple one today.

I just have to drive
through the glass

of a dry-cleaning business
before it explodes.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Simple for who? Who?
Who's it simple for, you?

Well, that's what
you have Doug for?

Do you know what
this would look like if you go

do all your own stunts
and I don't do mine?

Do you know what people
will think of me?

Uh, they'll think
you're an actor?

And listen, I'm not jumping
off the cliff.

I'm not jumping out
of a plane,

and I ain't fighting no
alligator for anyone.

You don't think
I can do my own stunts.

You don't think
I'm tough enough?

That's what Doug is for,
for exactly this thing.

You think I need Doug?

Absolutely.

Maybe I don't.

Maybe I don't need Doug.

I think he just heard you.

Hey, Doug.

I'm gonna go talk to Doug.

Kevin.

[Kevin] Hey,
there he is, my guy.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

[laughs] You ain't gonna
believe this sh*t.

I'm talking to Jordan.

I just found out Jordan
sent her stunt double home.

You know what she trying to do.

You know exactly what
she trying to do.

She trying to show me up,
and I'm not gonna have that.

I can't have that.
I'm Kevin Hart, right?

[laughs]

So, here's the thing, right?

Let's get into
this relationship

'cause it's one of the best
that I've ever had.

How long you been with me, man?

Damn, that long, huh?

It's been a long time.

I know you gonna be fine,

and it's time for you
to fly, right?

So with that being said,
uh, we're done.

I... I'm gonna go ahead and...

Is "fired" the word, I guess?
I guess it is "fired."

So I'mma fire you, but in a,

but in a dope way
to where we still cool.

I... I'm gonna go on
and get ready.

My guy!

- It's stunt time.
- Kevin, this is a terrible...

[Kevin] It's stunt time!

[Jordan] Listen, I'm not
trying to show you up.

[Kevin] Hey!
Enough, Jordan.

It's all good,
Mr. Action Star.

[glass breaks]

Now, you listen to me,
alright?

I've been in this
business for g*dd*mn...

g*dd*mn, how long?

How long?

You telling me that
my g*dd*mn reputation

doesn't speak for myself?

It f*cking should!

When... when does Cap Four sh**t?

Does Mackie have a guy?

He does. He gets it.

Everybody's got
a f*cking guy, huh?

What about Adam Driver?
Now, you said he's billed. Huh?

Listen, I can do work for him.

I... I can be Adam's driver,
right?

Yeah, no, listen,
I'm serious about that.

I don't give a f*ck.
I'll drive.

I... I'll be Adam's driver
driver driver if I have to.

God damn it Scott!
f*ck you!

[crying] I've been in the g*dd*mn
business for years.

[sniffles]

[sobbing]

[ominous music]

[Kevin on TV] You know what?

This is my me time.
I really enjoy working.

I find a lot of peace,
happiness,

and, uh, solace in creating.

And now my creating is
about putting other people

in positions to win,
um, amplifying other careers

and opportunities,
not just me.

So, hopefully,
it continues to grow.

[Kevin] I can't believe
that my stuntman

would do this to me.

Ex-stuntman.

No, I gotta do
something about this... Oh.

Oh, whoa, whoa, Kevin.

Uh-oh. Oh, no.
Let mom look at this.

Hold on. Oh.

Oh, we gotta change
this dressing.

Take him to the bedroom.

- Prop him up.
- Here we go.

- Get some wet towels.
- Here we go.

Shouldn't he go
to a hospital?

No.
I'll get him back on track.

It's what I do.

Wait, you're a doctor?

[Cynthia]
I'm better than a doctor.

I'm a mom.

Left, right, left, right.

[groans]

He's gonna be fine.

My mom is a miracle-worker.

How about you?
Are you okay?

Uh... Well, not really.
This is my problem, too.

Doug probably blames me
for losing his job.

That's why he's put me in
this deadly little game of his,

just for payback.

Yeah.
Okay, that's fine, then.

When Kevin gets back
to full health,

he will think of an
incredible plan for all of us.

No, no, f*ck that.
We can't just sit here.

We need to do something. We need
to get to the bottom of this.

Who is the person
Kevin trusts the most?

- His agent.
- Really?

Yeah.

Let's pay them a visit.

Right now?
We can't go right now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jordan, we can't go right now.

[Andre] But what about this?
What about this?

You're famous, Jordan.
You get in there,

they're gonna recognize you.
That's a problem.

Second is, Doug actually thinks
that you're dead, right?

- You blew up.
- sh*t, you're right.

Oh, my God, I just thought
of something amazing.

Thank me.
Thank me now.

Let me hear it first?

Smart.
That's a smart move, okay?

In the back, there's a disguise.

I always keep a spare disguise
for Kevin in the back.

Grab that bag real quick.

- You have spare disguises?
- Yes.

I mean, sometimes Kevin likes
to live anonymously, right?

Whether he wants to go grocery
shopping, feed the ducks,

heckle a stranger.

[scoffs]
Yeah, I'm not wearing this.

[Andre] Come on. Did you see
all of them real quick?

Like this one right here, okay?
This one right here...

- Andre, the road!
- I'm doing it.

It's a hard left
with my knees, baby.

Look at this.

[funky music]

This is so embarrassing.

We're lucky that
you and Kevin are the same size,

you know what I mean?

Think about this as your
greatest acting role to date.

You got this.
You got this!

That's fantastic.
Okay, and...

[taps]

Uh, we're here to see,
ahem, Scott Hayman.

Okay.

And you are?

Ronald Mondolvia III!

A pleasure to meet you.

And this is the
wickedly talented...

Bill. [clears throat]
My name is Bill.

Bill Mondolvia.
We're both Mondolvians.

This is my uncle
on my mama's side.

sh*t-f*ck, can this man
cook a goose.

What was all that before?

Mondolvia...
That's nobody's surname.

What do you expect, okay?

I couldn't concentrate.
Your accent was f*cking insane.

- My accent?
- Yes. "Blah, blah, blah."

Okay, it wasn't great,
but I mean...

- My accent? I nailed my accent.
- It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter,
because there's no way

they're letting us go back
to see Kevin's agent, okay?

They've probably
already called security.

So if security comes,

we just pretend to
be Ronald and Bill Mondolvia,

the very famous
Instagram influencers

who make unboxing videos.

What is this?

We unbox it, and it's
a smaller box, okay?

No, no, no.
She's going to the loo.

I don't think that Bill
would call it the loo.

I feel like
he's more old-school.

I feel like she's
about to take a sh*t.

[whispering] Play it cool.

Like and subscribe, please!

[whispering] Stop, stop, stop.
Right there, right there.

Right there,
that's Kevin's agent.

Who is he talking to?

[laughing]

How are you doing, man?

It's not Kevin.

[moaning]

[Cynthia shushes]

[water sloshing]

Try not to move.

Mr. Kevin Hart needs
to regain his strength.

[Kevin moans]

As long as it takes,
you'll be here in my house,

listening to my stories,
eating my Christmas pork chops.

[Kevin moans]

[Cynthia shushes]

When my husband was wounded
years ago, I couldn't save him,

but now I've got a
second chance with you,

Kevin Hart, America's treasure.

Cynthia's treasure.

[ominous music]

[phone ringing]

[Cynthia on phone] Hello?

Mom, mom, put Kevin on.

[Cynthia on phone] I can't.
He's sleeping.

[Andre] It's an emergency.
Put him on right now, mom.

Come on, wake him up.

[Kevin on phone] Hello?

Are you here to rescue me?
I think I've been poisoned.

Kevin, listen up
very closely, okay?

We've just been on a deep-cover

reconnaissance mission,
and we f*cking nailed it.

[Jordan] Doug is you.
You've been replaced by Doug.

[Kevin on phone] Wait, what?
Replaced? I don't understand.

That's because my mommy
just gave you

a very low-dose narcotic.
Don't worry about it.

But when you come to,
you have to understand

that Doug is trying to convince
people that he's you.

He's fixed his teeth.
He's changed his hair.

I mean, his mannerisms...
Oh, my God, he's... he's you.

[Kevin on phone] Yeah, well,
he can't fool my staff.

They'll know it's not me.

They're my village.

[people chanting "Kevin"]

You get a raise.
You get a raise.

You get a raise.
You get a raise.

You get a raise.

That's right, everybody
gets a raise, huh?

You know why?
'Cause I'm Kevin.

I'm Kevin!

Sorry, Kevin
is suddenly very tired.

- He needs his rest.
[Jordan] No, no, no, no.

[Andre on phone] Mom, no...
[Cynthia] Bye.

[Kevin moans]

[Cynthia shushes]

If Kevin wants
to get through to Doug,

there's only one man
he can talk to, Mr. 206.

I don't...
Who's... who's Mr. 206?

[Jordan] He's a pretty
famous stuntman,

and he's Doug's mentor.

Okay. Okay, fine,
then this is easy.

We just take Kevin
to see Mr. 206.

[Jordan] We?
Nope, no way.

I will not be going to see 206.

He is a complete psychopath.

He nearly k*lled me
in a stunt rehearsal

and then tried to
make me apologize.

Jordan, Jordan,
Kevin needs you right now.

[Jordan] He needs me?
- He does, right now.

[Jordan] Oh, I thought Kevin
doesn't need anyone,

until he needs everyone.

Okay, fine, then
I'll take him to see Mr. 206.

Why?
This is Kevin's problem.

You should just let him
go on his own.

No. As long as
I'm Kevin's assistant...

[revs engine]

he'll never drive
himself anywhere.

- It's in neutral.
- I am so sorry.

We're slowing down.
I was trying to go faster.

We did the opposite.

[birds chirping]

I am so happy my mom was able
to nurse you back to health.

What did you just say to me?

The woman put drugs
in my g*dd*mn pork chop.

- She tried to poison me.
- She's amazing, right?

Look at you now.
Okay, come on, come on.

So tell me,
why do they call him 206?

'Cause there's 206 bones
in the human body.

They say, before he became
a mentor in the stunt game,

that he broke every
single one of 'em.

Actually, no, it was 205.

But then, on his
last day of filming,

they say he broke the 206th one.

What?
Which one was that?

Pinky toe, right foot,
snapped.

g*dd*mn.

[knocking]

[creaking]

[Kevin] Uh, hello?

Uh, 206?

Hey, M... Mr. Two Hundred
And Six?

- It's 2-0-6.
- Right.

[Mr. 206] Sign says
no soliciting. Go away.

Yeah, no, we... we didn't see
a sign. There's no sign.

[Mr. 206] Who took
my f*cking sign?

We didn't take it.

Hey, either way,
we're not here to solicit.

We... we're not selling anything.

You don't even recognize
my voice. [laughs]

You know who's
at the door right now?

This is Kevin Hart,
comedian, actor.

I just told you... to go...

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

The f*ck away!

Hey! sh*t!

Come on, baby, it's me.

- It's me.
- It's Kevin Hart.

Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't

k*ll the both of you right now.

Kevin's about to have a movie
that's gonna get him an Oscar.

[Kevin] Well, okay.
Wait, wait, wait. Your protege.

We're here because of your
protege, Doug Eubanks.

What about him?

Well, we... we're here
'cause he's losing his sh*t.

Yeah, no, he's absolute...

That's not true, 'cause
you don't deserve a lie.

I'm not here to lie to you.

I'm gonna be honest
with you, man.

I screwed him over.

I screwed him over,
and I'm here because

I want to make things right,
and I can't do that

without you, Mr. 206.

Well, how do you
like your tea?

Huh?

[mystical music]

Do I make you uncomfortable?

No. I... I'm just so nervous
for you, sir,

because you got really hot tea,
and it's just

right above your ba*ls, so...

What are you doing?
What are you...

[pours tea]

[Andre] Oh, my God,
what the f*ck?

[Kevin] Oh, man, come on.
- What the f*ck?

Come, on man.

The ancient Babylonians believed

that undergarments
were a sign of weakness.

I tend to agree.

I respect that.

I respect that.

I just...

[clears throat]

I just want to,
I wanna thank you

for taking the time,
'cause I know you didn't...

Cut the compliments.
Tell me why you're here.

I, um, I know
you're Doug's mentor, right?

If there's anyone
who knows how he operates,

how he thinks, it's...

I need your help.

Watch your eye.
Watch your eye.

Let's walk.

Doug Eubanks is more than
just a former student of mine.

He's my friend, my confidant.

Briefly, in 2003,
he was my lover.

Doug is the most
fearless stunt performer

that I've ever trained.

One time, he asked me
to stab him with an ice pick

'cause he needed
to know how it felt so he could

replicate that reaction
when the cameras are rolling.

- Did you do it?
- With pleasure.

As a stuntman,
you embrace pain,

lay your life on the line
for your actor

every day you step on set.

And occasionally,
an actor says thanks.

Sometimes they don't say thanks.

Sometimes they just fire you
without warning 'cause

all of a sudden they think
they're John f*cking Rambo,

but they're nothing but a
little b*tch with a giant ego.

Yeah, yeah. So, hey, are you
gonna talk to him for me?

[laughs]

Actors talk.

Stuntmen... stunt.

You're gonna have to fight Doug,
and you're gonna lose.

Well, sh*t, then why are you...

Why are you even
talking to me, then?

Only reason I'm talking to you

is 'cause every person
is trapped

in a story of their own design,
and I know the exact story

you're trapped in.

Yeah, it's a revenge story.

It's not revenge.

It's redemption.

No, I'm pretty sure
it's revenge.

What do you really want?

I want my life back.
I want to defeat Doug.

Defeat Doug?
Doug's the enemy.

Doug's the bad guy?
You're the good guy?

I just want to make sure
I'm hearing this right.

Okay, maybe
we're both bad guys.

No, Kevin.

You're both good guys.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, I'm trying
to figure it out.

He f*cked Doug.

I didn't hear that.
What?

He f*cked Doug.

I didn't catch that.
I was...

Right at the top, he said it.
Right over there, he said...

No. I saw a ladybug.
I gotta...

So that means he's kind
of f*cked you before.

[Kevin] No, no.
Wait a minute, no, he hasn't.

This is my dojo.

Well, it kind of
looks like a bunch of trees

if you ask me, but alright.

- Goodness gracious.
- Excuse me.

- Sorry.
- Coming through.

- Yep. Yep. Sorry.
- Coming through.

You've really
gotta share the trail, guys.

- It's our fault.
- Sorry.

We didn't even know
it was a trail, to be honest.

I had no idea.

So this is where you're gonna
train me to face Doug, huh?

Let me explain
something to you.

Stuntman's Creed,
be thy actor.

Every role you ever trained
for, Doug trained harder.

Every martial art
you supposedly learn,

Doug learned it for real.

He had to, 'cause when
the cameras were rolling,

it was his a*s on the line,
not yours, sitting

in video village,
sipping lattes,

eating sushi off of nude models.

Hey. First of all,
I got a bad case of pinkeye.

I learned my lesson.

Hasn't happened since.

You never appreciated Doug.

Actors never do.

Anyway, I recently learned that

there's a lot of people that
I may have underappreciated.

[Mr. 206] Good, Kevin.

That's growth.

- See that branch up there?
- Yeah.

Climb that tree,
crawl out to that branch,

and give me a dead
drop to the ground.

[mystical music]

Uh, how am I supposed to...

You want to know
how Doug thinks?

You want to know
how he operates?

You must see the world
as he sees it,

without fear,
without hesitation.

I'm a little scared, though.

I'm just gonna throw
that out there.

- It's not like I'm...
- I volunteer as tribute.

Damn right you do.

This is Kevin's journey.
That's his dead-drop branch.

No, that's what
you don't understand.

You know why?
Because what's Kevin's is mine.

- Well...
- Well, right.

I mean, not your
material wealth.

- Of course, or your income.
- No.

- Or your success.
- No.

Or your rare collection of cars,
which are amazing.

- No.
- Right, none of that.

But his pain, his anguish...

Basically, anything that's bad,
anything that's bad...

that's mine, too.
That is my journey.

- What?
- Brother.

Oh my gosh.

[coughing]

What's happening, guys?

Guys, this don't look
good from the back.

What's going on?

[grunting]

[screaming]

Kevin, you can't
compete with Doug...

but you clearly have the one
thing he will never have.

You have a sidekick.

Andre?
No, Andre is my...

Andre's like my...
What would you call it?

[indistinct chatter]

No, no, no. No, no.

- I'm his...
- Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.

Andre's your what?
I want you to say it.

Well, he was gonna say it, too.

No, no, he's right there.
Andre's your what?

You don't have to do this, man.

He's your what?

Well, he's my assistant,
my assistant.

[gibbers] He's your...

- He's...
- Say it.

Andre's my...
He's my sidekick.

- Say it.
- He's... Andre's my sidekick.

[Mr. 206] Say it.
[Kevin] He's my sidekick.

[Mr. 206] Yeah,
I need you to say it.

Okay.
Andre... Andre is my sidekick.

God damn it, Kevin,
I need you to

f*cking say it!

And I need you
to believe it

deep down in your f*cking bones.

Andre... Andre is my sidekick!

- Huh?
- I said, Andre is my sidekick!

Who's your sidekick?

I said,
Andre is my sidekick!

[Andre] I'm your sidekick!
- Andre is my si...

I'm your sidekick!

What's happening to me, man?

[Mr. 206]
It's growth, Kevin.

Growth hurts.

That's a pain that no double
can take for you.

You see, Kevin, you came here
seeking a mentor, but it's you.

You are the mentor.

Hell yeah.

[Mr. 206] You know what?
You know what?

You two... take this moment,
talk.

Talk over your new bond.

I'm gonna go get my tea.

[Andre] What a f*cking day.

[laughs] I mean,
now that I'm essentially,

I've been deputized
as your sidekick,

I have an idea for Doug.
We could work together on this.

We gotta get close to him, okay?

We don't have to record him
or anything like...

What's wrong?
What's wrong?

[ominous music]

That scar on his hand.

Yeah?

I think I recognize that scar.

[door opens]

[engine turns over]

[engine roars]

[upbeat music]

[phone ringing]

[Guard on intercom] We don't
have any scheduled deliveries.

Please turn around.

Hey, pal, I got a hot date

with my old lady in 30 minutes,
meatball sub night,

and all's I knows is
I got a package

from Debra Simon at the studio.

Now, I can either leave it here,
or I can take it home,

but you gotta tell me
what you want me to do.

[Guard on intercom] Go ahead.

That's what I thought.
I'll see you in a bit. Up, up!

Okay.

Hey, Ronald Mondolvia, Mondolvia
Plumbing, license and bonded.

You know, some guys
are licensed, not bonded.

Other guys, they're bonded,
not licensed.

Me, I'm both licensed
and bonded.

Debra Simon sent a plumber?

Not a plumber, my man.
The plumber.

I can plumb anything with pipes.
f*ck it.

Sometimes I don't
even need pipes.

One time I plumbed
a manila envelope.

Water was spouting
f*cking everywhere.

- It was insane.
- So what's in the van?

Oh, my God.

Hold on to your f*cking
beautiful, beautiful ba*ls

because this, my man...

[knocks]

It's a commode.

Imported Italian marble,
beautiful one-piece

construction, 12-speed bidet.

We got a little
air fryer on the right.

You want to cook, eat,
circle of life, sh1tting,

eating at the same time,
there's only a couple

of these in the entire world.

This, my friend,
probably one of the best

presents in the universe.

So can you, you know, eh?

[vocalizes]

You gonna help me f*cking
bring it in, or no?

- Alright, f*ck it, whatever.
[Andre] Yeah, okay.

I'll supervise.
Pick it up.

Use your back.

Whoa, big boy.
Big boy coming through.

Big boy coming through.
Big boy.

Okay, Andre has
the guard's attention.

Okay.

You sure you're ready for this?

In our family, if an
A-list actor is in trouble,

we don't stand quietly by.

We fight,
and if we must, we die.

Wow, well, the world
could use more people like...

Wait, what is your last name?

Oh, Mondolvia.

Where the hell
does this thing go?

Oh, that is the
million-dollar question, huh?

Let me think about this.

Well, you could powder-room it,
show it off like a prize pony,

or you put it in the main bath.

Keep all that for yourself, hmm?

Now, there's a
third option, alright?

Listen up closely 'cause
this one's f*cking insane.

You can put the commode
right here,

smack dab in the middle
of the living room,

and you take a big,
greasy sh*t right here,

look everybody
right in the eyes,

make them wonder
what your deal is.

And I know what
you're thinking, holy sh*t,

that's aggressive, right?

But they'll respect
the sh*t out of you.

Wait a minute,
don't I know you?

Don't you know?
Don't you know?

[yells] Yeah, boop,
boop, boop, boop.

Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you know what it is?

Isn't this the place
you took a sh*t

so big up there
that people thought there

was a dog loose in the pipes?

How the hell am
I gonna take a sh*t...

Man, what are you talking about?
No.

- Wasn't that you?
- No.

- No?
- A dog in the pipes?

[Andre] Maybe it
was a dachshund.

Looked like a dachshund,
your big...

[fireworks exploding]

- Oh, no, is that the dog?
- Wait right here.

I'll deal with you in a minute.

Yeah, I'm gonna wait right here
in New York City,

you know what I mean?

Kevin?
Kevin, are you okay, baby?

Everything went
incredible up here.

- You alright?
[Kevin] Yeah, I'm alright.

Sweating my g*dd*mn
a*s off, though.

Jesus Christ, how you
ain't cut no holes in here?

Let's get you out of here
and kick some f*cking a*s.

- What do you say, huh?
[Kevin] Alright, come on.

- Let's go.
- Yes!

[fireworks whistling]

- What are you doing?
- Funny story.

You're gonna lose
your g*dd*mn mind.

I drilled this puppy
a little bit too hard.

I can't get it out without
the aid of some tools.

So give me a second.
I'm gonna grab some tools.

I'll be right back.
Okay, talk soon.

Hey, Andre,
you better stop playing.

Seriously, man.
Andre?

[knocks]
Andre?

[fireworks whistling]

Hey, were those fireworks?

I live next door,
at the Mondolvia estate.

Did you set those off?
You know that that is ill*gal.

They're not ours.
I don't know who set these off.

Well, it scared
the bejesus out of me,

and I have a pacemaker.

What do you have to
say for yourself?

Look, lady, I told you,
they're not my fireworks,

and I didn't sh*t in any pipes!

What?

[electricity crackling]

That's for Andre.

[Kevin knocks]

[Kevin] Andre?

[knocks]

Andre?
Come on, man, I'm serious.

There you go.
What took you so long?

Where you go?
Leaving me in this box

with all that g*dd*mn quiet.
Don't do that.

[chainsaw starts]

The f*ck is that?

Hey.

[chainsaw revs]

Andre, that's a chainsaw?
Okay, hold on.

Wait, wait, wait.

[shouting indiscernibly]

Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.

Slow it down.
Slow it down. Slow it down!

You're gonna cut
my f*cking head!

You're gonna cut my head!

No more chainsaw.
No more chainsaw!

No more chainsaw, okay?

Jesus Christ.

sh*t.
What the f*ck, Andre?

Oh, sh*t.
Oh, oh, oh, sh*t.

On behalf
of stunt actors everywhere,

I'm excited to say,
this is your day of reckoning!

[laughs maniacally]

Hold up!

Trying to tell me a big old
stunt legend like yourself

need a chainsaw?

Huh?

That's what the f*ck
I'm talking about. Two men.

How about two dogs in a bowl?
I want to eat.

[barking]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you got a knife.

Big old man like yourself,
stunt legend,

you need a knife
for little old me?

That's what you need?

f*ck it.

- I'll k*ll you with my hands.
[Kevin] What?

[hyperventilating]

Yeah, you know this
ain't go too good for you

in that little, shitty hallway.

Man, Jordan whooped your a*s.

Mask I was wearing was 100
percent polyester, unbreathable.

Sweating into my contacts.

Hell, a child could
have kicked my a*s.

Oh, that's a real
elaborate excuse,

don't you think?
Superman punch!

Oh, sh*t!

Ah, sh*t.

[bones crack]

sh*t. Andre!

Andre, do the sidekick stuff!

I made all that sh*t up
about your sidekick.

You think I'd help you?

You think I'd put a greedy,
unappreciative,

overrated actor over a stuntman?

[laughs] I just thought
it'd be fun to give you

some false hope before you died.

[screams] sh*t!
Yo, you gonna break my arm!

Yeah, and every other
one of the 206 bones

in your body,
and then I'm gonna eat your a*s.

I knew it.
I knew you were a a*s-eater.

[Kevin cries]

[grunting]

- Oh, hey.
[Kevin] I'll stab you.

Cute knife.
What are you gonna do with that?

You gonna hurt me with that?
Huh, huh?

No, but she is.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, you got him.

It's...
Okay.

Um, holy sh*t.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey.

Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey,
look at me. Look at me.

Eyes. You good.

Thirsty.

- You what?
- Th... thirsty.

Well, get you
something to drink.

You f*cking threw
a knife in his head.

I didn't know what else to do.
I meant for his shoulder.

How did you mean
for his shoulder?

f*cking size of the fireplace.

That's him.

He's awake.
It's a good sign.

It's a good thing.
Look, he's fine. He's fine.

[Kevin] What are you talking,
he's fine?

[Jordan] I mean, he's...

He's a f*cking zombie.
What do you mean, he's fine?

[Cynthia] Oh, god,
he's gonna burn himself.

He's gonna get a burn on
his hand or something.

It's not really
the worst thing

that could happen to him
at this point.

[Jordan] That's true.
- Oh.

Hey!
There he is.

How you doing, man?

Jesus Christ.

- He's okay.
- He's just taking a nap.

He's not dead.
He's fine.

- He's okay?
- Yeah.

Wait, where's Andre?

Where's my sweet boy?

[Doug] Don't you worry,
'cause I found him.

[Andre] Alright, I'm sorry.

I made an oopsie-daisy.
I got captured.

I thought I heard your voice,
but it wasn't your voice.

It was his voice. I'm the worst
sidekick in the world.

- Hey, shut up.
- I'm gonna shut up.

- Shut up.
- I'm gonna shut up.

You hurt one hair
on my son's head,

I swear to God,
m*therf*cker,

I will split you
from chin to ba*ls.

- Who the f*ck are you?
- That's my mom.

I love you, mom.
If I die, I love you in heaven.

What the hell is
your mother doing here, boy?

I'm here for moral support,
and I love him.

[Andre] I love you, mom.

But I will f*ck you up!

- Try me!
- Mom...

I love you.

How come y'all
don't have no g*ns?

'Cause we're not here
to k*ll anybody, Doug.

Oh.
Oh, is that right?

Then where's Mr. 206 at?

He's... making breakfast.

[crying] This is a
f*cking joke to you.

It's a f*cking joke to you.

[crying]

Shut your a*s up.
f*ck you crying for?

- 'Cause I can feel your...
- That man was my mentor.

He was my muse, my rock.

And in 2003,
for a brief period

where I was confused about
my sexuality, he was my lover.

- Okay.
- Sounds like a very special...

Shut your a*s up. Don't...

[Kevin] Hey, hey, hey,
listen to me.

Doug, we are sorry
for your loss, man.

- So sorry.
- We're sorry.

Oh. Oh, you're sorry, huh?
Hmm?

See, y'all are
a bunch of brainiacs.

I thought I had all you dead

in that g*dd*mn
business offices, I did.

[Kevin] Alright, Doug.

Doug, listen to me.
Don't you hurt him, man.

You hear me?
Don't hurt him.

[Doug] Oh, 'cause you care
all of a sudden, hm?

All of a sudden, you got
a f*cking heart, Tin Man?

You don't care about nothing.

This man ain't nothing
but an employee of yours,

which means he's disposable.
Ain't that right? Hmm?

[Kevin] That's not true.

The man is the complete
opposite of that.

- Andre is 34 years old.
- 35.

He's left-handed.

Right-handed.

Afraid of scorpions.

[Andre] I love scorpions.

He won a sixth-grade
spelling bee.

I got fourth place.

He memorized every
single line of House Party,

both Kid's and Play's.

- You did that.
- I did do that.

That is me.

Andre is the one man
that I cannot live without.

[Andre] I'm with you,
ride or die,

although I was hoping
for a little bit

more ride and a little less die.

I think I'm gonna die,
like, really soon.

- Enough, enough.
- I'm gonna shut up.

Doug, now stop it.

You don't even want him, man.

You want me.
I'm the one who messed up.

I'm the one that threw you out
like Tuesday's trash

and left you on the side
of the g*dd*mn curb

without the blink of an eye.
I did that.

You want me,
not him, so let him go.

Let him go and take me.

That's what you want?
You want me to let him go?

Hmm? Say it.
Say it again.

I want you to let him go.

- Mama, how about you?
- Please let him go.

[Doug] Let him go, huh?
[Andre] Will you let me go?

You want me to let you go?

Please, Doug.
That'd be so nice.

Everybody telling me
to let you go.

I should just let you go.
Hey, mama, I'm gonna let him go.

- Thank you.
- Make sure you watch, hmm?

- You watching?
- Thank you.

- Now get your a*s...
- Ah!

[Kevin] Oh, sh*t!
- Oh, no.

Oh, my, he let go.
He literally let go.

- Yeah, I let him go good.
- Doug, this ends now.

[Doug] Oh, well, that's okay
with me, Little Boots.

[g*nf*re]

You want to do it the hard way?

Then let's do it the hard way,
m*therf*cker.

I got your a*s.

[whimpering]
Honey, oh...

My baby's alive!

[Kevin] He's alive.
[Cynthia] He's alive.

I'm okay.
I'm fine, I'm fine.

The table actually
broke my fall. Did you see me?

That was the dead drop
I never got to do in the woods.

That was my tribute
to you, Kevin.

Hey, come on.
Let's get you up.

[groans]

[Jordan] Take it easy.

Okay, we gotta get him...
Oh, my God.

What happened?
What's going on?

[Cynthia] Nothing.

[Jordan] A tiny, tiny bit
of the table just...

Where is it?
What part of it?

[clamoring]

[Kevin] Don't touch it.

- Listen, listen.
- Why, why, why?

Don't touch it. It's nothing.
It's nothing crazy.

It's a little splinter.
It's fine.

Get the tweezers.
Let's get it out.

Why are you holding me back?

- Get it out!
- Stop fiddling with it.

[Kevin] Yeah, stop for us.
[Cynthia] Come on.

Let's go get him
to a hospital.

It feels like something's
in my kidney, right?

- When I walk, at least.
- Come on.

[Andre moaning]

Okay. Jesus.

[dramatic music]

What the hell is that?

Oh, I installed
customizable lights in here,

but you never had time
to learn how to use 'em.

[Doug] All them years
I was your stuntman, Kevin.

Get him to the hospital, mom.

- Jordan, come with me.
- Okay, be careful.

Come on, honey.
Help me out.

[Doug] See, Kevin, it wasn't

just taking falls
and getting kicked in the face

and getting set on fire. Uh-uh.

That's not all I was doing
to make you look good.

You remember
Justice Squad Part Two?

You decided to gain


That meant that I had to gain


I'm a freaking diabetic,
you selfish f*ck.

- I almost put myself in a coma.
- Okay, hey.

Hey, Doug, easy, alright?

I'm sorry, man.
I made a mistake.

- Shut your a*s up.
[Andre] Mom, no.

Mom, no. Mom, no.
Mom, I can't leave.

No, I'm not gonna
let you die.

- I'm not losing another.
- Mom, mom, listen, okay?

Look at me.

I... I know you wish
you could have saved dad.

[sobs] Yeah.

I know, I know,
but this is different.

I'm not just Kevin's assistant.

I'm his sidekick,
and you want to know

the first rule of sidekick?

- Do no harm?
- No.

That's doctor's, mom.

The first rule of sidekick
is there is no sidekick.

That's "Fight Club," mom.

You know that.
Brad Pitt's in that.

Ed Norton's in that, Mom!

Just tell me, then.

[Kevin] Okay, listen to me,
and listen good, man.

Back when I was a sidekick,
I was always jealous

of the lead actor
and all the glory they got.

And I told myself, Doug,

I said, when I become
a lead actor,

I'm gonna get that same glory.
I want it.

I want to taste that.
And I did.

But when I tasted it,
I handled it wrong.

I was selfish.
I was stupid, man.

And now I realize how much
I need my village.

And, Doug, you're a part
of that village, okay?

I need you.
I f*cking need you, man.

Give me a chance
to make it up to you.

Give me a chance to prove to you
that this is what I want,

that... that I want you,
I need you.

How about I give you the chance

to suck my d*ck, hmm?

I'm living the life, boy.

I'm in your g*dd*mn mansion.

Hmm? I live here.

I got your career.

Your agents love me.

Them boys love me good, got me a
part in a movie and everything.

I'm about to be Chucky
in the new Child's Play.

- You took that sh*t?
- Step back.

Get back before I g*dd*mn
skin your f*cking lip.

And I signed up
for a new Woody Allen movie.

Can't wait to see
the press around that.

[laughs wheezily]

No, no, no, no.
Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, wake up. Wake up.
Come on.

[cries out] What?
What's happening?

I think what you were

about to do was to try
to convince me that even though

you've been impaled by
a large piece of

restoration hardware,
you want to go back in there

and fight some lunatic

who is physically superior
to you in every possible way

because you're not
just his sidekick.

You're his best friend.

You're g*dd*mn right I am.

So why go through
all this trouble?

The Swedish actor,
the t*rture chamber.

You think it's easy stealing
a man's identity, hmm?

You think it's as easy
as stealing his face?

Well, it's not, Little Pretty.

It's much harder than that.

Had to get his g*dd*mn
fingerprints first.

After that, I had to take
all your g*dd*mn passwords.

Once I got that, I said,
we get your voice ID.

All the other secrets
that you hold, I got it.

I got it good.

So now you have everything
you need to be Kevin.

You even removed your mole,
you sick son of a b*tch.

[Doug] Yeah, I did.

You know why?

'Cause I'm Kevin Hart.
I'm Kevin Hart.

I got all the money
in the world.

I got the best dermatologist
in the world

'cause I'm Kevin Hart.
[laughs]

Dr. Sanchez would
never touch

that rough-a*s skin of yours.

But she did, m*therf*cker.
She did!

[Kevin] Ah, sh*t!

[all grunting]

No, boy.

Smack your a*s.
No, no!

- Ah, ah. Hold on.
- What?

Superman punch!

No, not today.

Oh.

[groans]

[Doug] I told you.
- Ah, you stupid little b*tch.

Wasn't done with you, hmm?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

See, I got your body.

Doug, you ain't got
to do this, man.

- Give me a chance.
- But now...

Doug, no!

Now I want your soul.

Don't take my soul.

I'm gonna get
your f*cking soul.

What's happened to me?
What the f*ck you just do to me?

Oh, sh*t.

Just stab me in my
g*dd*mn scapula, boy?

- Hey!
- Huh?

That's a wrap on Doug.

Oh, got me good.

m*therf*cker!

[gasps]

Hold on, Andre,
is that the piece of wood

that was lodged in your side?

Sidekick for life.

No, Andre, that was supposed
to stay in to stop the bleeding.

[Cynthia] I told him
it was a dumb idea,

but does he listen to his mom?

I'd do anything for you, man.

Hey, hey, look at me.

You're the best damn sidekick
I ever seen.

Alright, guys, call the cops.

Stay with Doug
until they get here, okay?

I've gotta get you
to the hospital.

This time, I'm driving.

You know, actually,
I will drive. I'm gonna drive.

I saw the way
you drove last time,

so I think
I'll take it from here.

- Why don't we just...
- We'll figure it out.

We'll figure it out.

Yeah, but I'll use
my feet and hands,

and you can sit on
my lap or some sh*t.

He's in shock.
I got you, buddy.

Keep an eye on Doug.

I got you, buddy.

[Kevin] I mean, I was foolish.

I let my ego run the show,
and I'm honestly,

I'm lucky to be alive.
We both are.

Why is he here
with us again?

[chuckles] 'Cause he's a
vital part of my team.

Ah, okay.

[Jordan] Hi, hi, hi. Sorry.

- Sorry I'm late.
- And so is she.

And so are they.

[cheering]

Alright.
Who is the older lady?

Are you talking
about that gorgeous woman

in the back?
That's my mama.

Mama, how's the food?

Oh, it's so confusing.

[Andre] Yeah.
[Cynthia] I love it, though.

[Kevin] I'm not really sure
what her role is yet.

We're still trying
to iron out the kinks.

But what I do know is
it takes a village

to operate the world
of Kevin Hart,

and she's a villager.

[whispering]
What's a villager?

Wow, Kevin, I gotta say,

you certainly have changed.

[Kevin] No, I just learned
to appreciate the people

that matter the most in my life.

♪ Lovely day lovely day
lovely day... ♪

Well, does that mean that
you're in for Jefferson's 2?

Yeah. Just gotta check
with my stuntman first.

♪ Lovely day lovely day... ♪

Isn't he in prison now?

♪ Lovely day lovely day... ♪

[scoffs] He is.

Yeah, I don't know.
It slipped my mind.

Ah, I forgot.

[laughs]

[Jordan] Forgot?

[chuckles nervously]

[tense music]

Hey. Hey, guard.

Guard!
Hey, let me out of here.

I'm telling you,
you got the wrong guy.

[Prisoner] Shut the f*ck up!
- I'm Kevin Hart.

I'm Kevin Hart!

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[music continues]