Charon (2023)

[bunniefuu]

- Computer stop.

- There she is.

- Honey, love, my soul
linked to the outside world.

The only one permitted
to jump the firewall.

The one who forgot the chocolate.

- Oh sh*t, did I?

- Yeah, it's okay though,
Jerry, everything's great.

I am low on wine though, hint, hint.

- Again?

- Yeah, well, you know, tough day.

- Yeah.




- Yeah, my last neighbor moved out.

Not that we ever talked.

- Yeah, I was gonna say good riddance.

- Yeah but I think I'm
gonna miss the sounds

through the wall if that makes any sense.

- Four months, four short
months and you're free jailbird.

Okay, free to fly to me and your landlord,

he'll be free to tear
the place to the ground.

Ashes to f*cking ashes.

- What if he turns off the utilities?

What if he turns off the water?

- Then I'll get them turned back on.

I make big noise, babe, for you,

I'll make the biggest noise.

Ah!

- My knight and shining chat window.

- At your service.

- Honey, if I had a view

out to the world right
now, would it depress me?

- Nah, people aren't that mad anymore.

I mean, if that's what you mean.

I mean, you're occasionally referenced

in an SNL sketch about stock market scams,

but how many SNL sketches do they do

about stock market scams?
- Well, there is that one.

I've got a fever

and the only prescription
is more stock market scams.

- Listen babe,

I gotta hit the hay, early
morning at the office.

- Oh, okay, well, I'm
glad I got you for a bit.

- You got me for a lot.
- I love you.

- Love you.

- Hey!

Computer, stop.

Computer, what time is it?

- It's 7:30 PM.

- Computer, what time is it?

- The time is 11:17 PM.

Computer, stop.

Oh my god, Jerry.
- Hey babe.

- What happened, you've
ever done that before?

- Yeah, sorry, I had a work emergency.

- Oh, a work emergency?

- Yeah.
- What's her name?

- Come on, Charon, don't, don't do that.

Don't ever do that, not
after everything I've-

- I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Jerry, you gotta know that I'm kidding.

Okay, so what, tell me
about this office emergency.

What do they have you doing these days?

- I'd really rather not talk
about it, if that's okay.

It wasn't a gold star night.

Not by a long shot

but you know what would
make things better?

Honestly, you told me about your day.

- Oh, well, you know, same old, same old.

I worked out and I did my
conditioning and I looked

at all my dorky stuff and
I petted the babies and oh,

I did have an interesting night
last, about two nights ago.

- Yeah.

- I guess someone stormed the castle,

you could say, middle of the
night, loud banging on my door.

And by the time I got
to it, they were gone.

But they'd slipped something
under, a threat, I think.

- sh*t, a threat? What did it say?

- Well, it was a piece
of paper and it said,

"Do you know you're dead?"

Weird. Right?
- Definitely.

- Like why gets Socratic with it?

You know, why not just say,
"I'm gonna k*ll you, b*tch."

- Yeah, I don't know, babe
and this person just left.

- I guess, it actually
sounded like multiple people.

- Drunk maybe.

- Law enforcement is doing a very bad job

of not letting people know I'm here.

- Yeah, well, people get
that kind of information

on the internet if they look hard enough

and people do have a reason to look.

You did lose a lot of
folk their life savings.

- I'm aware, Jerry, share
thief Charon is aware.

- Okay, bad, all bad, start
over, let's start over.

- I really did go a little
crazy last night, Jerry.

I was so worried and I couldn't breathe.

And I actually considered making a break

for it to check on you

- Babe, Charon, you know you
absolutely cannot do that.

That especially, setting
foot outside the apartment

would add, f*ck, what did they say?

Two years to your sentence.

- I'm aware, Jerry.

Okay, most restrictive
house arrest sentence

in state history, digital
communication limited to one,

no visitors.

Narrow range of physical
confinement to prevent me

from getting anywhere near a wifi signal.

A f*cking wifi signal.

- Well, you especially did a lot

of damage with access to the internet.

- I'm aware, goddammit, Jerry.

- Okay, okay, babe, calm down.

Hey, hey. I'm here.

Four months, then you've paid your dues.

We're gonna make it one day at a time.

- Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, it's f*cking silly.

We've come too far for
me to fall to pieces.

- Just a bad night,
you're all in one piece.

One pretty piece.

- Jerry, please don't leave me again.

You're all I have.

- You have the rabbits.
- I do have the rabbits.

And they're good for a lot of things.

They're not good for everything.

Can I see it?
- See it?

- You know.

- Babe, not tonight, it's been weird.

You said it yourself, weird.

- Oh, I mean-

- Let's just start again tomorrow.

You know, we have tomorrow,
we have all the tomorrows.

Don't worry. Good night.

- Jerry, you're really all I have.

- I never forget it.

- Computer, what's the
weather like at Saint-Tropez?

Computer, what was the metallic
composition of Tico Bride's

prosthetic nose?

Computer, who wrote Jumanji?

Computer, what is...

My name is spelled the way it is

because my mom didn't
know the proper spelling.

It really didn't bother me

until the third grade
when Greek myths came

up in the curriculum.
- I don't follow

- C H A R O N.

It's Charon, it's the
figure that ferries the dead

across the river sticks.

It's the first mythological
figure that Dante encounters

in hell, it's the name of
one of the moons, Pluto.

So at times it's the satellite
that's the furthest away

from the warmth of the sun
in our entire solar system.

- Okay.

- Do you know that in Taiwan there is

a tunnel that goes through
a mountain and they say that

if you crash and die in that
tunnel, then your soul just

keeps on driving for all eternity.

And it doesn't ever
realize that it's dead?

- Charon, why are you like this tonight?

- I'm just thinking about death.

- Is it because I forgot the chocolate?

- And the wine.
- Sorry, babe.

- Oh, I'm low on foundation for my face.

So do you remember the brand, right?

- Yeah and I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.

All that face stuff is
just real expensive.

Like all primer and foundation
and powder and whatnot.

- It's important to me, honey

- Why, I'm the only one looking at you.

- Yeah.
- Hey, hey, stop babe.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful is what I'm saying.

You don't need all that stuff.

Come on, Charon. Look at me.

There's my girl.

How about the next time I call you,

you show me what's under
all that gunky makeup sh*t.

- Oh, I don't know, Jerry.

- Okay, well, you think about that.

But how about right now, you
show me what's under that robe?

- Oh, honey, I'm not feeling
very beautiful tonight.

It would just be sad, I guess.

And I don't wanna fake my way through it.

- You know, you're
awful like this, Charon.

Seriously, lately, you're just,

is this how it's gonna be with you now?

- Jerry-
- No, save it, I'm done.

Computer, stop.

Computer, cancel all alarms.

- Canceling all your alarms.

- I could, I could go to him.

Apologize, maybe he will...

What do you think,

Careless whisper, worth
the sentence extension?

Eight days.

There has to be someone else, which means

he'll never call again.

And we are cut off and
we have nothing left.

We might as well, we might as well be...

No, no.

Jerry, Jerry, I thought.
- Hi, babe.

It's good to see you.

- It's good to see you too.

- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry

- Jerry. It's okay.

- I haven't been honest with you.

- Oh.
- I'm ashamed of this.

But it's not fair to you to go
on not knowing, babe, Charon,

I lost my job three months ago

and I haven't been able to
pay for well, f*ck, anything.

I'm behind on rent. I'm behind on bills.

It's getting to the point
where food's an issue

and your utilities.

- Well, honey, honey,
please, please don't.

You could have told me I could have gone

without so much of what you sent me.

Is this why you haven't been calling?

Because you've been ashamed?

- It was just easier to
make you think I was angry

than admit that I couldn't
keep providing for you,

so f*cking unfair.

I'm such an as*h*le.

- Jerry, Jerry, I forgive
you, I'll always forgive you.

Please don't ever feel
like you have to leave.

I love you.

- Never stop loving you, babe.

You look beautiful, by the way.

- There's something else.

There's something else that's wrong.

- Okay, yeah, yes, f*ck,
oh f*ck, yo know me.

- What is it, you can tell me?

- Don't panic, but I got
a bank alert this morning.

Someone's put $5,000 in escrow in my name

and I don't know who it is.

- Why would I panic?

That's kind of amazing.

- Wait, it's not that simple.

There's a note in the account, a request.

I get the funds released

to me in exchange for
something, something awful.

- Huh?

- Whoever it is wants a video

of you putting a finger down
a running garbage disposal.

I don't think you have
to do the whole finger.

Maybe just the tip.
- You can't be serious.

- Look, my gut tells me this is real.

It's too bizarre not to be something.

And I wouldn't even have mentioned it.

But babe, I'm out of options.

I get evicted at the end of the week.

I can't even buy us anything.

I'm overdrafted and maxed out and I-

- Who is this m*therf*cker?

- I don't know, it's all anonymous

- Encrypted, Jerry, I can
walk you through exactly

how to hack directly.
- Babe.

- There is a breadcrumb.

Okay, there's always a digital breadcrumb,

a fingerprint, a footprint that I can-

- Charon, stop.

Stop, this is why you're locked away.

So you need to stop talking.

Right the f*ck now.

- You have to go to law
enforcement with this.

It's sick, even if you can't
get me anything, I mean,

they won't let me just starve in here,

right and when it comes
to your rent, I mean,

maybe your landlord can arrange some kind-

- Babe, I can't protect
you from this anymore.

- Protect me from what?

- You're not liked out here,

okay, you're not forgiven

for what you did by anyone, for f*ck sake.

There were suicides off of bridges.

- I know, I know Jerry.

- And law enforcement ignores
me when it comes to you.

Do you even know what

I have to pay the private
courier to get 'em

to deliver to you?

Everyone would rather you
disappear, that you rot away.

And I babe, my own family
doesn't talk to me anymore.

I have no friends left
because I choose you.

How do you think I lost my job?

Someone told them. f*cking hell!

It's just us now. We're all we've got.

- Do you really think
that just the tip counts?

- Yeah.

- And you're sure that this
person will release the funds?

- No.

- Why couldn't they just ask to see boobs

like a regular pervert?

Can you see everything?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- I'm sorry, Charon.

- You're okay, babe, you're
the greatest woman I know.

I'm here with you, I'm here.

- Usher definitely does not
say peace soup in, "Yeah".

- He doesn't say pea soup, ate downtown.

- No. No.

Why would it be that you big dork.

It's peace up, A town down.

- Yeah, I guess that makes
more sense than Usher

enjoying a pea soup lunch downtown.

Good babe?
- Mm. So good.

- Hey, I've got good news, kind of.

I've got a job interview tomorrow

- Honey, something you wanna do?

- Hell no, but work's work,
I'll tell you about it

if it goes, I don't wanna jinx it.

- Well, good luck, my handsome
man, I'm so proud of you.

- Thanks babe, not down for the count yet.

Charon, I know we said I wouldn't
ask you about this, but...

- sh**t, it's all right.

- Why, why go that far, why risk so much?

- Well, I guess it was
flattering having my talents

recognized by someone
so rich and powerful.

It was more than flattering actually.

He was like, I always say a titan.

And by the time the advances started,

I was just his, I mean,
I knew what I was doing.

Of course, you know, the
program was accessing tens

of thousands of accounts hourly.

I mean, the scale of it was
just terrifying to think about.

So I didn't, I was just
moving the money where he said

and after a while it was
just all numbers on a screen.

We tech people, we get that way.

- So he played on your nature.

- Well, he made me feel
loved and I loved him

- More than you loved me?

- No and I got locked away for that prick.

So I should tell you how much I love you.

- Oh, well, cheers to us.
- Cheers to us.

Computer stop.

You stop it right now.

Good evening my Knight.

- Hey.
- Oh, honey, what is it?

Is it the job interview?

- You know, I wouldn't know.

My car got impounded this morning.

Missed the interview entirely.

- Oh, will they let you reschedule?

Not that, I mean, honey, it's
gonna be okay either way.

- No, it's not okay, it's
really, really not okay.

It's gonna be two grand

to pay for all my tickets
to get the car out

and with the back rent
I just paid my landlord.

And your, it's all gone

- In two days?
- Don't even start with me.

- God, f*ck, there's something else.

- Something else?

- Another 10 grand just
showed up in that account.

- What does he want now?

- I don't know.

There's no note this time but something

tells me it's coming.

- No, Jerry, no, okay, if we,

who knows how far this is gonna go?

- Look, let's wait to
see what he's asking for.

- Jerry.

- I can't think right now, babe.

I don't have my car.

It's going up $300 every
day that they're holding it.

- I know, but-

- I can't babe, I, let's
just talk tomorrow.

Maybe he'll have told
us what to do tomorrow.

And can we can see if it's too crazy.

- You have to go to the
police now, it's time.

- I can't look at you right now.

- Jerry, Jerry, listen to me.

Do not hang up, you and I,
we can think of something.

We can think of some
way to get, no, damn it.

f*ck.

- All right, everyone, poll's up.

You know the drill, wire one grand

into the account to cast your vote.

Now, if you're new here, welcome.

You can vote as many times as you want.

10 grand gets you 10 votes.

And look, we are getting your requests.

We know what you wanna see.

But I know Charon, she has her limits

and we're gonna work our
way up to that, trust me.

But for tonight, what we're voting on is

do we see

if we can make her drink out
of the toilet or do we see

if we can get her to smash
her finger with a hammer?

Okay, so evidently one of
you out there did something

extremely stupid a couple of nights ago.

Some moronic stunt to get
Charon to, I don't know

follow the white rabbit, go
tumbling down a rabbit hole.

Doesn't matter who that person was

because that person is gone, poof.

We saw to that.

And if you think I'm joking,
I can't stress enough

that the people who set
this up for us, they're not

f*cking around, think about
how much effort has gone

into setting this game up.

Faking her death with
the media, paying off

law enforcement to look the other way.

Vacating all our neighbors.

These people are rich, okay?

Powerful, titans.

And I wanna remind anyone
else out there that wants to

be a vigilante, that
we've ticked that box.

We are the vigilantes,
this is share thief Charon.

She deserves even worse than this.

And I get it more than anyone.

I had empathy for her once.

I loved her, but I came around
when I, well, yeah, yeah.

I'm getting paid for this,
yes, I don't deny that.

I don't f*cking deny that.

- Computer, cancel all alarms

- Canceling all your alarms.

- Hi honey, you had me worried.

- I know, I'm sorry.

Seems like I'm saying
that a lot these days.

- It's all right, you're
under a lot of pressure.

By the way, is your address
still 1144 Shepherd Drive

90211?
- Yeah. Why?

- Just thinking lately about seeing you.

I wanna be ready.

- Well, it'll be a few months.

- I know.

- Listen, babe, I know it's
probably the last thing

you wanna hear right now,
but we gotta consider this.

An additional dollar came into that escrow

account this morning and
a note was attached to it.

- Oh?

- Yeah and he, God, I
almost can't even say it.

He wants a video of you
drinking out of your toilet.

I'm sorry, but it's $10,000.

- It's a lot of money.

- Yeah, so I guess we
gotta think about it.

- I have thought about it, Jerry

- You have?

And-

- And I don't think you love me anymore.

- Charon, of course I love you.

And God, it's k*lling me
to even ask you for this.

And maybe that's what he wants

but I don't know what else to do.

I wanna keep providing for us.

Babe, Charon, why did
you move your computer?

- You don't love me, Jerry.

You don't love me
anymore, so I have to go.

- Go, where are you going,
babe, Charon, don't do this.

Don't do this, we're almost there.

We're almost together, f*ck, listen.

Okay, we don't have to do anything

this guy says, it's
just, God f*cking dammit.

Dumb b*tch.

f*ck, cut it, send someone, wait.

If any of you mother
f*ck actually try to come

to my house, you're dead, okay, cut it.