01x02 - Bunk Off

[bunniefuu]

Episode 2: Bunk Off

The local park,

where people come to play football,

hang out with their friends,

and most importantly,
let their dogs sh*t.

It's not a cool place, admittedly,

but it is a good place
to stare at girls.

If anything's worth braving
this dogshit minefield for,

it's staring at girls.

You lot are g*y.
Why aren't we playing football?

Chasing men around a field
with your top off,

- what's more g*y than that?
- You.

Brilliant. Anyway, we're playing
Frisbee because girls can join in.

Trust me,

- girls love this.
- Border collies love this.

You're too scared in case Donovan
joins in and breaks your legs.

- That's not true.
- Oh, my God...

Check out the Jugasaurus Rex!

- sh*t! And it's Carli.
- Perfect. Watch this.

Carli!

Carli! Catch!

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'm really sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.

So as I say, I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.

It's fine.
You've apologised 30 times. Come on.

I'm going to get my Frisbee.

Those wankers are nicking
that girl's Frisbee.

It's my Frisbee!

I've got a receipt!

I've got a receipt!

So, in what I can only describe
as an attack of Frisbee rage,

once again we were running from Donovan.

All right?

- Not really.
- What's up?

Think, Neil. Last time you saw us,
before you legged it,

a Frisbee was heading
to a disabled girl's face.

- Did it hit her in the face then?
- Bingo!

Was the girl in the wheelchair
all right?

I've *** about it.
I've lost my Frisbee Aero B Pro.

- Is the gayest sentence ever.
- That's it.

- We can't bunk off tomorrow now.
- Why?

It's bad karma, innit?
For hitting a spastic.

- It could be a sign.
- That you've sh*t your pants?

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- To wank over your mum's bras?

- As she's my mum? Probably not!
- Oh, good, can I have them then?

No. But you can have...

that.

And that. See you tomorrow.

See you.

I'd only been in state education
a month and yet,

I found myself ready to break the law.

Okay, it was the truancy law,

but it was still the worst
thing I'd ever done.

Hello, William.

Hello, Mrs Cooper. Is Simon in?

Yes. Unless he ran away
in the middle of the night...

- Simon!
- Yes, all right. Will, come in.

Why aren't you in uniform?

We're sorry,
Mrs Cooper, it was Jay's idea...

We forgot to tell you
it was a non-uniform day.

- No, it's not. Bye.
- Yes, it is.

For Years 12 and 13.
It is, you little sh*t!

Right, so it's a Year 12
non-uniform day?

For Christ's sake, Simon, you're 17 now

and I don't want to play
these stupid games.

It's a bloody non-uniform day, allright?

I don't believe you. Will?

Yes, it's a non-uniform day.

- See?
- Fine. Fine.

But if you've lied to me
I won't be angry,

I will be really, really disappointed.

How stupid is she
that she totally believed us?

- That's my mum.
- Sorry,

did you see the way I just lied to her?
I totally did it.

We're bunking off.

- Who are you calling?
- School.

I'll just say we're ill
and won't be in today.

No, really. Who are you calling?

Don't sh*t your pants. I'm only phoning
the school secretary, not f*cking MI5.

Hello,
this is Mrs Cooper, Simon's mother.

Simon and Will MacKenzie
have food poisoning.

- Must have been after the chicken.
- You're putting on your mum's voice?

I'm sorry.
Mrs Cooper, you say your son is ill?

Well, Mr Gilbert,
the Head of Sixth is just here.

- I'll pass him over.
- No, there's really no need.

We can still make it for English!

Hello?

This is Mrs Cooper, Simon
and his friend Will are ill, goodbye.

- Mrs Cooper?
- Yes?

- What exactly is wrong with Simon?
- Food poisoning.

OK, Simon, that's enough,
I know you're bullshitting me.

- I think you'd better get to school.
- Cheers. All the best.

Get in before you make me...

Well, that was f*cking dreadful.

- I think he bought it though.
- In what way did he buy it?

I think he thought that was my mum.

So with our terrible alibi in place,

phase two of the plan was
how to get some booze.

You look like you're on day release.
They'll never serve you.

- What about this one?
- No, not one of this suits.

- He'll go mental if he finds out.
- Shirts.

- Not the suit.
- Yes!

Not the suit.

And so in Simon's dad's suit,
and looking a bit like a Hasidic Jew,

we headed for the off-licence.

- What are you wearing?
- The suit's my dad's. He insisted.

- The hat's his though.
- What a bell end!

I'm just an adult man
stocking up on booze.

This'll work. £10 each, please.

And as none of you offered to do it,
you can f*ck off.

- What?
- Nothing.

Unlike those morons,

I knew the key to getting served
was confidence.

- Good day.
- Sorry?

Good day.

Hello.

- Oh, sh*t.
- What?

Nothing.

- It's Carli's mum, innit?
- Jay, don't. She'll recognise me.

He wants to suck your Carli's t*ts!

Unbelievable.

The key is to let the shop owner
know who's in control.

It like a Jedi mind trick.

I am an adult.

You will serve me.

Can I help at all?

Yes, I am a man who has recently
bought a house

in the local area and I'm having
a house-warming party

to which I'll be inviting
a lot of the local adults.

- Hence the crisps.
- Yeah.

I'll also probably need some...

alcohol as well.

- As well as the crisps, et cetera...
- What are you looking for?

Some Beefeater gin.

- How about two bottles?
- Excellent.

- Some wine?
- Christ! We're not made of money!

And I'll have some extra-strong mints.

- For those who are drink-driving.
- Right...

- That comes to £29.50. Anything else?
- What's on special?

A bottle of Drambuie for a tenner

if you are out of the shop
in five seconds.

Done. My good man.

I shall invite you to the party.

- Mission accomplished.
- What's in all the bags then?

Something to soak up the alcohol.

- Crisps?
- Where's the beer?

Have you spent all our money
on f*cking crisps?

- You twat.
- What the f*ck's this?

- Drambuie.
- What's Drambuie?

- Whisky-based liqueur.
- What's a liqueur?

- A bender's drink.
- Why have we got that?

- It's your dad's favourite drink.
- My dad's not bent.

- He is a bit though.
- He's f*cking not.

The evidence: one,
your mum left him because he loves c*ck.

No, she was in a difficult place!

- In bed with a bender.
- Your dad, who is a bender.

Two, he wears tight denim shorts
to do the gardening.

The only night he goes out
all week is Wednesday

and that's to play badminton!

My dad's not bent because
he's got porn mags at home

- and it's all straight.
- All straight?

Some l*sbian.

- We should go and have a look.
- Fine, come on then.

- This should be good.
- I bet it's 90% c*ck.

They must be around here somewhere.

I don't know where they could have gone.

Maybe he swapped them
for an Abba boxset.

He probably
shoved them up his arse. Drink!

- What we gonna do today then?
- Anything we f*cking well please.

- Specifically, what?
- We could get some birds.

Let's get some girls. Great.

- Where are all the girls?
- At school.

We'll wait for them to get out.

We're not doing anything until half
three? We could have gone to school.

We can't f*cking do this. Drink!

Hello, Mrs Cooper?

Sorry to bother you at work.

This is Mr Gilbert,
Simon's Head of Sixth.

Your mum is so fit, Will,

- I reckon she could be a prost*tute.
- Thanks...

Have you wanked over Will's mum.

No. Not yet.

Please don't have a wank over my mum.

I can't promise that, I'm afraid.

Yes, hello.
Is that Mrs MacKenzie, William's mother?

Right.
Can I just check something with you?

When we're with the Caravan Club

there's this bird and her sister
who I've shagged for two years.

Sometimes I get them
to strum themselves while I watch.

Sorry, did you say
you go on holiday in a caravan?

- With the Caravan Club.
- In a caravan like a gypo?

If my mum told me
we were going caravanning

I'd call Childline.

It's a sense of freedom
you don't get with other holidays.

It's a sense of sh1tting
in a bucket in a cupboard

you don't get with other holidays,
in England, with your parents.

Actually, it's a well-known fact

that the Caravan Club is like a sex club
all over Europe,

which is why I've lost my cherry
and none of you sad acts have.

- I could have got laid loads!
- No, you couldn't.

Yeah, I could. But I want to lose it
with someone I love.

What? Like Carli?

Maybe I do love Carli.

She's gorgeous,
she's smart, she's amazing.

Worth mentioning to her then, mate,

- if that's the way you feel.
- Yeah, why not mention it?

Worse that can happen you get nothing.

Best that can happen,
you get stinky fingers.

You really are

one of the most disgusting humans
I've ever met.

Look out.

Prince Harry's had a few drinks
and now he thinks he's hard!

- I am hard.
- Scared of teachers

and brown-nosing everyone's parents
is just an act?

- I don't brown-nose anyone!
- You do a bit.

- Good manners cost nothing.
- A good shag costs nothing!

A good shag with Carli.

# Carli's fanny on your face,
on your face #

# Carli's fanny on your face! #

I keep catching myself on it.
It's a bloody menace.

Hang on, I think someone's in.

# And your bell end #

# Carli's fanny on your face,
on your face... #

Neil! What the hell is going on?

This place smells like a brewery
and not a nice one.

Jay, there is always trouble
when you're around,

but Will, I'm especially
surprised at you... So sorry, Steve.

Oh, piss off!

What?

Don't talk to me like that
in my own house!

Oh, I'm so sorry, my manners.
Piss off, please.

- I've had enough of your lip.
- You'd like my lip, wouldn't you?

Right round your bell end,
if Mr Chippy doesn't get there first.

What's he knocking up?

A closet for you to hide in, you bumder?

In hindsight,
I might have taken it a bit too far.

Amazing!

Jesus Christ. "Bumder"?!

Fair play to you,
that was pretty special.

"Bumder"!

It's a mixture of "bummer" and "bender".

He'll be all right about it, though.

He can take a joke.

- That was taken as a joke.
- "My lips around your bell end"?

- Yeah, it should be fine!
- I love Carli.

I love Carli.

sh*t, I've got to tell her.
What if she feels the same?

- Seems fairly unlikely.
- Life is about these moments.

It's the things you don't do you regret.

It's the {kind of }cavalier philosophy that caused
my father to leave my mother.

- You go for it.
- Bumder.

And so we headed for Carli's house.

I feel a bit stupid doing this.
This is fine, isn't it?

Yeah. Definitely.

You would tell me if I was being a d*ck?

- Of course I would.
- Yeah, yeah.

Writing her surname
is particularly important.

It's her drive, but you wouldn't want
Carli-based confusion.

If you put a kiss, she'll suck you off.

- What the f*ck is that?
- What?

Simon, why are you vandalising my drive?

What does it say? You love me?

Look.

I can easily wash it off

and we can just pretend
it never happened

and I could not tell anyone
and you could not tell anyone

and my mates could not tell anyone
and your mates could not tell anyone.

Simon, we've known each other
for ages. Why now?

We were playing dares.

Did someone dare you to be
the world's biggest saddo?

So what? You are in love with me?

This couldn't have gone any better.

Actually I think this is pretty cool,
Simon.

Sort of artistic.
It's like Banksy or someone.

Why don't you come over to mine tonight,
I'm baby-sitting my brother,

- and we can sort this out?
- Really?

Yeah, come round about eight.
My folks will be out by then.

Best to avoid them
until this has washed away.

- I'm not sure this washes away...
- Whatever. See you later.

Yes!

Incredibly,
I think you might be in there.

Of course he is.
She's wet for you, mate.

I can't believe it worked.

Maybe, she was impressed
by your artistic side.

- No, it's because you're drunk.
- Do you think so?

Yes, it's because you're wasted.
Like Pete Doherty? Girls love it.

- I think Pete Doherty is on heroin.
- I'm not sure I should do heroin!

Right, vodka, whisky,
and a load of creme de menthe.

When she sees you,
she'll be frothing at the gash.

- Are you sure my dad won't notice?
- No, he'll never tell.

He might as his whisky
now tastes of apple juice.

It'll be worth it.

- What's that?
- f*ck off!

- What have you got there?
- And again, f*ck off!

- You are in such sh*t.
- That's a hat-trick. f*ck off!

Mum knows you bunked off.

And also everyone knows
that you love Carli D'Amato.

- I don't love her, actually.
- Everyone knows, you spaz.

You wrote it on the pavement
outside her house.

Even the Year 11s were laughing
about how sad you are.

Yeah? How sad is a date
at her house tonight?

You're such a sad...

No, you're the sad because... Twat!

- You're such a little f*ck.
- He's made you look a right nob.

- When are you going to make the move?
- I don't know.

- I've got to get the kid out the way.
- I could come and look after him.

I'll take care of the kid
while you take care of the...

business.

Business.

- I think I'd better take Will.
- Fine. Your funeral.

Jay was wrong.
It wouldn't be a funeral,

but it would be as much fun as one.

So that evening,

we arrived at the house
of the girl Simon had always loved

and we were drunk, so very drunk.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hello, there.
- Hello, William.

You coming in then, Simon?

Are you his chaperone?

No, babes.
He's gonna watch the kid while we chat

about, you know, our feelings.

- Best not to call me babes though.
- Really?

Really.

Come on in then.
Chris is watching TV, Will.

Come on, you, let's get a drink.

So Dad went totally ballistic
about the driveway.

I think you're still invited over
for Christmas

but he's gonna make your parents pay
for an industrial stone cleaner.

- It was worth it.
- Can you smell bleach?

- What are you watching?
- Don't know.

- I think there's been a big b*mb.
- Really?

Oh, it's one of those recreations
of a dirty b*mb.

What's a dirty b*mb?

It's just a big nuclear b*mb

that t*rrorists would use to k*ll
everyone in London.

Have you been drinking spirits?

Sorry, don't know what I was thinking.
Would you like some?

- I'll stick to wine, thanks.
- Wine is for girls.

- I am a girl.
- This is a man's drink.

If you don't want it, I'll have it.

And if you can't take me like this,
well I'm sorry, babes,

but this is the package.

There goes the tallest building
in London.

That'll be a few thousand dead.

My mum and dad are in London tonight.
Would they be k*lled?

Not only k*lled but obliterated.

Merely a scorched shadow
on the pavement.

Dust.

- So they are dead forever?
- Yes, dead forever.

My mummy!

My daddy!

Come on, Carli.

You know why I'm here.

And I know why I'm here.

And you know why I'm here.

- Kiss me.
- You know I've got a boyfriend.

- Just finger yourself in front of me.
- Jesus, Simon!

They do it in Caravan Club.
Come on, I know you want to.

- Well I don't want to, so...
- Yeah, you do.

Simon, are you all right?

Oh, Christ.

I don't think I'm very well.

- Daddy! Mummy!
- Chris?

I'm really sorry. I was just telling him
about t*rrorists and stuff.

You were telling a seven-year-old
about t*rrorists?

He won't sleep for a week now,
you idiot.

Have you unblocked the sink yet?
All the lumps?

I am really sorry.

I think maybe I ate something.

Could we maybe sit down
and talk about us?

Have you got any Nurofen? It's just...

Oh dear.

I think we'll be off now.

Right, I think we'd better get you
back to mine and cleaned up.

Oh, God, my head.

I've ruined it.

I love her and I've ruined it with her.
Oh, God.

She's so amazing.

I'm going to say this
to you as a friend.

Shut up.

Today's been a f*ck-up
from start to finish.

We need to write it off, OK?
Today's gone.

It isn't going to get any worse.

Oh, sh*t. Isn't that your mum's car?

And that's Neil's dad's car.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

Well, it's every Wednesday
and we play sort of, I suppose,

best-of-three games.
The changing facilities are not too bad.

- Yeah, yeah.
- All in all, it's a good thing.

Right. Sit down, you two.

Sometimes in life you have to sit down,

take your punishment like a man.

Unfortunately,
this was not one of those times.

You've had quite a day off.

You've lied to your mothers,
bought alcohol illegally,

abused Neil's dad, stole my suit,

defaced the pavement outside Carli's.
Am I missing anything?

We also hit a spastic with a Frisbee.

- I feel totally let down, William.
- It wasn't our fault, Mum.

I said to Kevin here, I thought
I brought you up better than that.

- It isn't our fault.
- Why's it not your fault then?

It all happened because he touched us.

- What?
- Me?

He touched us here,

and here.

And here.

- The bumhole.
- You evil little shits!

I'll deal with this, Kevin.

Now listen to me, you two.
That is an extraordinary allegation.

You should think {very }carefully
before you repeat it.

- Just cos Kevin's g*y doesn't mean...
- No, I'm not g*y.

- We're all friends, it doesn't matter.
- I'm not g*y. I was married for{ nearly}...

- Oscar Wilde was married.
- That is enough!

- Although, he is right, Kevin...
- I'm not g*y!

All right, don't have a hissy fit.

Just because Kevin is g*y doesn't
make him automatically a paedophile.

I'm not a paedophile.

If you want to repeat those allegations,

we'll take them seriously.

But if you want to tell us the truth,
that it never happened

we'll move on to the other things

- you're in trouble for.
- OK.

The truth is... we're alcoholics.

You have to help us.
All we can think about

is where the next drink
is gonna come from.

We're literally out of control.
Today we even talked about heroin.

There's a long road ahead of us

but with your support

and your love

we think we can make it.

So please, as our parents,

help us.

And so we were so pathetic,

even my mum, who has no sense of humour,
was laughing at us.

- Hello. You look well.
- Thanks. How's your mum?

Not happy.

But fit like a prost*tute.
How's your dad?

Really not happy.
But at least he's not bent like Neil's.

What?

sh*t, Si, you don't look well, mate.

What happened?

He was up all night
f*cking Carli's brains out.

Not quite.

Obvioulsy, by "Not quite",
he means he puked on her brother's head

then accused Neil's dad
of being a paedophile.

You dickhead.

What a knob!

- My dad's not a paedo.
- Now, boys.

Good of you to join us today.

- Oh, sh*t.
- sh*t indeed.

Now, boys, you are in the sixth form.

So actually you're under
no legal obligation to attend school.

Sutherland, Cartwright,

if you want to piss away your chance
of gaining some qualifications

and improving your lives,
then be my guest.

I still get paid at the end of the week.

- Really? Oh, great.
- Brilliant. Thanks, sir.

I knew no day
could go as badly as yesterday did.

However, Cooper, MacKenzie,

phoning the school and
pretending to be your parents?

That, my little friends, is fraud.

I think we'd better go and see the head.

They say it's the things you don't do
in life that you regret.

Well that's clearly not true.

I regret hitting that girl
with a Frisbee.

And I regret hurling insults
at Neil's dad.

Bumder!

And I'm pretty certain Simon regrets
almost everything he did that day.

Oh, dear.

But they also say
all's well that ends well.

Hang on, this didn't even end well.