02x02 - Work Experience

[bunniefuu]

Wouldn't it be good to know
exactly how unpopular you are

with the opposite sex compared
to your classmates?

Luckily for me,
someone invented Valentines Day,

my favourite annual humiliation.

"Roses are red, violets are blue,

your dong is massive,
I want to blow you.

Love from your secret sl*t."

I didn't get none.
I can't believe you got so many.

Yes, it is hard to believe.

"Dear Jay....

"I've just baked you a finger pie,
why don't you c*m..." Spelt C-U-M.

"... and taste it?"

That's so horny.
Who do you think it's from?

- Your dad?
- Yeah, funny.

Let me look at these.

"Jay, you massive stud,
please, please spaff on my t*ts.

From your Valentine's b*tch.
PS: And on my face."

That's my favourite, I like
the way she remembered the face.

It's funny how all these cards seem
to be in the same handwriting.

Your admirers are either very young
or have severe learning difficulties.

Which is possible.

The handwriting's bad cos they were
strumming one out as they wrote 'em.

Not you writing with your left hand?

You're just jealous cos I got loads
and you got none.

- I got a card.
- If it's your nan it doesn't count.

- I didn't get any then.
- I did get a card. A proper one.

- Total bollocks.
- Yeah?

- What do you call this then?
- Interesting!

- Wow. Who's that from?
- Hannah Fields in the year below.

Sniff it to see if she rubbed
her fanny on it.

Neil!

Na, just a bit of perfume.

So what are you going to do
about it?

Nothing. Apart from making
sure Carli doesn't find out.

I think she'll be too busy sucking
on her boyfriend's knob.

- Shut up.
- What?

All I'm saying is, he'll have
his c*ck right deep in her gob

and then in her vag.
Out the vag, back in the gob.

Thanks!

Oh, yeah, that reminds me.
Give that to your mum for us.

Are you serious?

- Oh, you are.
- Don't tell her who it's from.

No, course not. Anything else, Neil?

- Would you like me to ask her out?
- Would you?

Let me think. Would I?

No. No, I f*cking wouldn't.

Good morning. And shut up.

Right everyone, your work-experience
placements have been finalised.

And as 99% of you left it
to the careers officer,

I don't want to hear whingeing
about where you're heading.

Sir. There seems to be some mistake.

Is the mistake you choosing to
ignore me saying "No whingeing"?

No, sir, it says here
I'm going to work at a garage.

Yes.

Come on.

Me.

A garage?

- Does that seem likely?
- What's your point?

I wrote to the local paper.
To shadow a journalist there.

Maybe even write
a few pieces myself.

Right, let me have a look. I don't
get paid extra for this, you know.

OK, it says here that Sutherland
is expected at the newspaper.

- Case closed.
- Well, then

there's clearly been some sort of
mix-up. I don't mean to be rude but...

... look at him.

- No offence.
- None taken.

What was your first
choice, Sutherland?

Airplane driver.

- And that is...?
- Someone who drives planes.

- You mean a pilot.
- Do I?

- What was your second choice?
- Working with cars.

Right. Ever wanted to work
at a newspaper?

No, sir.

- Have you ever read a newspaper?
- Not really.

OK, it does seem there's been
some sort of mistake here somewhere.

That's OK, mistakes happen.
Shall I go the paper tomorrow?

You go to the garage.
It's all booked.

Is this a joke?

Do I make a lot of jokes?

- But sir...
- I can't change the placements.

Can't or won't?

You pick. It's the same result.

Sutherland?

Does this mean I won't
be driving any planes?

This is a f*ck-up. What experience
will I get at a garage?

Apart from a depressing
working-class one?

You get to look at horny calendars.

Why work for a paper? I thought you
were going into the family business.

- Which is...?
- Prostitution.

Yep, nice one.

It'll be sh*t anyway. The clue's
in the name - work experience.

It won't be sh*t at my dad's firm.
When I worked there last summer,

I spent every day jumping JCBs
over cement mixers.

- Well, that's a lie.
- And I got paid a grand at the end.

- Another lie!
- I had a wank earlier

- about your mum's t*ts. Is that alie?
- I hope so.

- It's not.
- Oh, good.

- Sorry, mate.
- I ain't your f*cking mate!

He's touchy.

It's probably cos
he's such a short arse!

- What d'you say?
- What?

- He's taking the piss, Danny.
- Yeah? I'll f*cking do you.

- Yeah, whatever.
- w*nk*r.

- What's his problem?
- Ooh, don't cry, Simon!

Yeah, good one.

Um, catch up in a bit.

Oh, that's right, run after her,
that's not creepy!

I may not have received
any Valentine's cards,

but that didn't mean
I hadn't sent any.

Charlotte!

Oh, hello.

Happy Valentine's day.
Did you get any cards?

Yeah, maybe ten?

Ten?

Yeah, me too.

But,

did you get any flowers?

I think you know I did.
I thought it was really sweet,

and I was gonna say, if you're not
busy, we could hang out this Friday?

I think I'm free.

Yep, yes I am.

I'm working on the bar at a
local Valentine's disco thing.

It's under-18s,
so it might be a bit lame,

but if you fancied
keeping me company?

A date?

No, Will, not a date.

Just two friends hanging out.

Great. See you Friday.
It's a date.

No, it's not a date.

Cool.

She said it wasn't a date, but
we both knew it was. Before that,

I had to make the most of my new,
pointless, shitty manual job.

Hellooooo?

Will MacKenzie,
I'm here for work experience.

Hello, you must be Will.
Great to meet you, I'm Jim.

This here's Wolfie and Steve.

Hi, Jim, hi, Steve, hello, Wolf.

Wolf-ie.

Wolfie, right, gotcha.

You'll have a right laugh. Long as
you don't mind a bit of blue talk.

- Not a poof, are ya?
- No.

Not a problem if you are, just be
harder to join in some of the banter.

Any part of car mechanics
you're interested in, as it goes?

To be honest,
none of it... as it goes.

- More interested in bikes, is it?
- No, the media. Or law.

Look, no offence, but I'm never
going to work in a place like this.

- Place like this?
- You know, a place like this.

Manual, dirty.

Not stupid exactly, but not academic
by a long chalk!

It's not that I'm better than this,

it's just that I am much cleverer
than you need to be to work here.

Steve here's got a BTEC.

Exactly. I suspect the mix-up'll be
sorted today, I'll be gone tomorrow.

I see. You don't mind
helping out today then?

No, course not. Just the once, eh?

Right, Cholmondley-Warner.

We need some stuff picking up
from the suppliers.

Fine. I'll just get a pen and paper.

Great.

OK, we need two tins
of tartan paint.

Tartan paint times two.

- Spirit level bubbles.
- Bubbles for spirit level.

- D'you need anything, Wolfie?
- Yeah, ask him for a reach around.

- A reach around.
- Don't forget you really need that.

Fine. So it's two tins
of tartan paint,

bubbles for spirit level and...

a reach around.

Might as well ask for a long wait
while you're there.

Great!

... this is a joke, isn't it?

- What?
- These items...

they're not real things,
are they? They don't exist.

- I don't know what you mean.
- Now,

I know that these initiation ceremonies
exist in certain types of workplace,

and, don't get me wrong,
I enjoy the camaraderie,

but you have to get up
pretty early to fool me.

- No, fair enough, you caught us out.
- Yeah, fair cop.

Too sharp for us!
I tell you what,

why don't we initiate you
with a pint at lunch?

- Good.
- We'll go to the Crown,

barmaid in there's got
a smashing pair of t*ts.

OK!

So, while I was getting
a City and Guilds in t*ts,

Neil was at the newspaper, happily
wasting the opportunity of my lifetime.

Toby, your work experience is here.

Fine... All right.

- Hi, you must be Neil, I'm Toby.
- All right?

So, what are you looking
to get out of this assignment, Neil?

Don't worry, I won't steal nothing.

What I meant was, is there anything
specifically you'd like to do here,

or an area of journalism you're
particularly interested in?

No, not really.

Right.

And do you have any questions
you'd like to ask me about anything?

How long's my lunch hour?

An hour.

Meanwhile, Jay really had arranged
some great work experience for Simon,

freezing his arse off at a
disgusting plant-hire yard.

This is sh*t. I don't wanna
do this for a living.

Nah, it's all right! We'll be able
to drive the diggers soon, I reckon.

Jay? Why have you stopped?
This is work experience,

not standing-around-being-a-useless-twat
experience.

You don't need any experience
at that - you're the expert!

Sorry, Dad, we only stopped for
a moment. This is well knackering.

You'd better get used to it,
cos with your brains

you'll be f*cking lucky to get a job
throwing sh*t into a skip!

This isn't exactly
how you described it.

Get many Valentine's cards, Simon?

- Just the one.
- One more than Jay's ever got.

- I got plenty.
- Don't worry,

there's a girl out there for you.

You just need to find a desperate
bird that likes the smell of BO

and blokes with tiny c*ck!

Now get back to work,

I ain't paying you to sit
on your scrawny arse.

Nice.

- All right?
- What are you doing here?

- I thought you should be at work?
- They let me go home at lunch.

You jammy b*stard.

Si, what's all this I hear about
you having a fight with Danny Moore?

What?! Who's Danny Moore?

He's been talking about
a beating on you.

Who is he?

- I don't know who he is!
- That kid you bumped into

- and then called a shortarse.
- That was Jay.

You'll have to go and knock
him out now.

- Teach him a lesson.
- If you see him,

- tell him it's a mistake.
- I'm not getting involved.

He's from a hard family in
Northwood. His brother did time.

Oh, Northwood?
Been nice knowing you, Si!

What's this, my dad's bigger
than your dad? What are we, 12?

- I think he is 12, actually.
- You're not scared are you, Si?

No, it's just I'm not going
to look cool beating up a kid.

- And you couldn't.
- Yes, I could, can we just leave it?

I'm not fighting anyone.

Oh yeah, nice one.

Mature.

Compared to Simon, my first day
was turning out OK.

After a morning
of pretending cars were broken

and overcharging middle-class women,
we had bonded over a pint.

Thanks, guys. That was a much more
civilised way to welcome me.

It's shame we won't
get to do it again...

Oh, no! A kidnap?! What are you,
the c*ck Al-Qaeda?

Don't sh*t yourself,
we're going for a drive.

- Hello, mate!
- Come on, is this really necessary?

What about my allergies?!
Let's talk about this.

Please! My allergies!

Wasn't expecting that,
was you, mastermind?!

See you tomorrow!

Institutionalised
bullying wasn't quite

the work experience I had in mind.
But I knew how to deal with bullies.

I got my mum to tell the teacher.

I was hoping you'd be able to do
something about it, Mr Gilbert.

- I'm sorry.
- I just wonder what he said to them.

- I don't think he said anything, Kevin.
- He must have said something.

He walked back through the town
centre sopping wet and barely clothed.

I'd hoped you'd take this
more seriously.

He wrote to the paper especially
to get work experience,

and instead I'm picking
frogspawn out of his underpants.

Would you excuse me
just for a second?

Ooooooooh God!

Look,

I really want to help,
but it's not my responsability.

I will ask if they'll consider swapping
students, but I can't promise anything.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I do have a meeting to attend to.

What a pickle!

I'm not sure I should
send Neil to the garage.

Those men sound like brutes.

I think it was just hijinks.

What, three dirty men throwing
a naked young boy into water?

- The mind boggles.
- I never said Will was naked.

I thought you did...

Not quite the outcome I'd hoped for.

Neil's dad imagining me naked.

When it comes to love,
they say a gentleman never tells.

But I wasn't a gentleman.
I was a twat.

Guess who got a date
with Charlotte Hinchcliffe?

- Donovan?
- No.

I bet it is - he's probably
ba*ls deep in her right now.

The answer... is me.

- No way.
- Yes, way.

Of sorts.

- Of sorts way.
- How?

I've no idea. Honestly, and
I'm not going to stop and ask her.

I don't know why she likes me but I'm
going to do my best to keep it that way.

Sounds like a good plan.

- When is it then?
- What?

- Date.
- Friday.

- What we up to Friday?
- Same as every Friday.

- Nothing.
- Maybe we could go.

In what world would
I want you to come along?

- It's not for you, it's for us.
- It'd be funny to watch you f*ck it up.

Yeah, you might cry.

Thanks for the vote of confidence,
but you won't want to come.

I'm seeing her at this under-18s night
she's working at. It will be uncool,

- even for us.
- Sounds OK to me.

- At least we'll definitely get in.
- No, no.

- You won't like it.
- We might even get some.

Won't they be a bit young?

- Grass on the pitch and it's OK for me.
- Right, and what if there isn't?

By the time you find
out it'll be too late.

Surely you've got better things to do
than watch me with Charlotte?

Great, no, fine. See you there then.

So before my date
with Charlotte, and it was a date,

I had to endure one
last day with the savages.

I was pleasantly surprised to find Jim
and Wolfie engaged in serious debate.

All right, Will? You'll like this -
we're just having "a discussion".

- Oh, really?
- Which t*tties would you spunk over?

The little ones, or big and bouncy?
A handful, plenty to play with.

- They both look nice.
- Better than t*ts you'll ever get mate!

All right, I'd spunk over the big ones,
and they're not better than I'd get.

Bollocks. Here, Steve...

- Speccy here... reckons he has better!
- Stop that.

- I have.
- f*ck off, you're a virgin!

- Classic virgin.
- You're wrong.

I did it last year.
With a girl I'm seeing tonight.

Yeah, sure.

Yep! She's fit, she's older than me,
and she goes like a porn star.

- Oh, right!
- Yeah, and she's got massive t*tties

and I...

Well, I...

f*cked her hard and all night long.

What are you and this dirty horn

bucket up to this weekend then?
I might come and check her out.

Going to an under-18 disco where
she works, so you won't be able to.

I could go.

- What?
- I could go. I'm 17.

You're 17!?

- You're 17?
- Yeah, yeah - I just look older.

There's looking older
and then there's that.

You look about 30!

Lovely!

Wolfie'll check out this tart
you've been boning, then.

- Good.
- Maybe Wolfie'll pull her.

- He won't do that because she loves me.
- She loves you?

I'm going to cry!

I mean...

- She loves to f*ck me.
- Yeah... Course she does.

That evening at the Civic Hall,

I hoped Neil would enlighten me
about what I'd be up to next week.

He'd never enlightened me about
anything before, but you never know.

How was the newspaper?
Did you write anything?

No, nothing boring like that.
I'm on the internet most of the day,

this afternoon I smashed old desks
in a skip and then home at four.

Are we the oldest here?

Possibly.

It's even more sh*t
than I knew it would be.

I honestly don't why you came.

- To see you get blown out by Charlotte.
- Please try not to f*ck this up.

Charlotte asked me
so there's a chance,

admittedly a very slim chance,
that she wants to pull me.

Or maybe she needs
a mechanic for her car!

- Good one!
- I'd service her all right.

I'd slide my dipstick in deep!

Thanks for coming, really appreciate it!
I'm gonna find Charlotte.

Up to you. It looks like
there's some tidy minge here.

Yes, it's tidy because
there's no hair on it.

Oi, Si, Hannah Fields is over there.

It's her who write your Valentine?

Oh, yeah, sh*t.
She looks quite fit actually.

Right, I'll go over
and tell her you fancy her.

- No.
- Why?

Well,

you going over and telling her
I fancy her, seems a bit,

y'know, childish.

When in Rome. That's how you got
to play it with younger girls.

You go over...
sh*t, she's coming over here.

So did you get my
valentine's card then?

Oh, yeah, great. Thank you.

- Do you want a drink?
- I've got one thanks.

No, I mean a proper drink.

Oh... right. Yeah,

thanks.

You're fit.

- Sorry?
- Oh, forget it.

Come on.

You're well sexy, I used
to stare at you in assembly.

Right.

Ooh, you're so horny. Tongue me!

Um, how old are you?

Blimey, that didn't take long.

Compared to you and
Charlotte anything's quick.

- Softly softly, catchee monkee.
- I didn't know you spoke Spanish.

See! I told you this was a great
place to get your fingers stinky.

Oh, my god, she's
going for his c*ck.

Oh, what you doing?

Shall we go somewhere more private?

- I want you.
- Right.

Careful, no-one's touched
that before, it might go off.

Good!

Crikey, careful.

Are they allowed to do that in here?

- Crikey!
- f*ck me, she's gonna wank him off!

The jammy git's pulled an
experienced c*ck handler.

Or, someone so inexperienced she thinks
it's the best way to pull an older boy.

- Either way it's a win-win situation.
- It's not really, though, no?

Thanks to me, we're now
watching Simon get wanked off.

Thank you so much!

- Getting a bit weird now.
- I hate it when he makes eye contact.

None of us do, Neil.

Call me a short arse now!

Come on then, you f*cking coward!

- Oh, please, not his face!
- I'm gonna do you!

Northwood are in the house,
you're f*cking dead!

How embarrassing.

- That was brilliant!
- Was it?

f*cking hilarious,
he totally did you.

- Have they chucked him out?
- Doubt it.

Not gonna chuck him
out for that, just a scuffle.

- He kicked me in the c*ck.
- Good shot!

- What happened to Hannah?
- Erm, I think you blew it

when a twelve year did beat you.

I f*cking slipped!

He's talking to
a load of Northwood lads.

- What?
- They don't look twelve, to be fair.

f*cking hell Si, you muppet.
We are so dead.

What? Dead?
That should be the end of it!

Simon's taken a beating,
a child's honour's been restored.

- I didn't take a beating!
- Yeah.

This is Northwood.
It's not the end, it's the start!

- We do what now?
- I get Charlotte?

- Is she hard?
- No, she'll get them thrown out!

I'll go find her,
you go and hide somewhere.

- Hide?
- Yes, hide.

- Toilets?
- Charlotte!

- Someone's desperate for a diet coke!
- No, Simon's been attacked by a kid...

Here? What did he do,
headbutt him in the knee?

No. Kicked him in the c*ck,
actually, but listen...

Please say you aren't asking me
to protect you from children?

Hmm, a bit.

All right, Cholmondley-Warner?

Is this your bird?

Nice to meet you.
You're just like Will said you was.

- Right. I hope that's a compliment.
- Oh, yeah it is.

You wouldn't mind having a quick word
with our boss Jim on the old blower, OK?

- Please don't.
- New friend?

- From work experience. A colleague.
- Jim for ya.

Ignore everything he says,
it's bollocks, I promise.

Hello. ]

Right.

No, I'm not his girlfriend, no.

No, we didn't have sex.

He did, did he?
No, that didn't happen.

No, I'm not a porn star.

Charlotte, listen...

I was working in a garage.
You don't understand what it's like.

How many chances do you think
you'll get to be a dickhead?

One more?

Wrong. You're a nasty little virgin.

See ya.

Right, fair enough. OK.

Best of a bad lot,
deal with what we've got.

I need you, we're in trouble.

I'm off. Only popped in
to check out your missus.

Well, thanks for popping by
and ruining my love life.

No problem.

I hope you and your ignorant boss
get a good laugh out of it.

I'll tell you who'll
be laughing last!

Me! Cos I'm not the one who'll
be working in a shitty garage

doing manual labour
for the rest of my life.

See you Monday.

No you won't!

Because I'll be at a local paper.
That's right, a local newspaper.

So my date, yes, date,
was a disaster.

But at least my friends weren't
hiding in the toilet. Oh, they were.

There was only one person
for saving us now.

Thanks for stepping in, mate!

I was going to dive
when you put your c*ck away.

- Budge up a minute Jay, I need a piss.
- You're not pissing in here, Neil.

- Why not? It's a toilet.
- Go outside if you have to.

What if they come in? I don't
see why I can't piss here.

Because I do not want to see piss
coming out the end of your c*ck.

- I could sit down and do it.
- What?

I do that sometimes.
You know, for a treat.

Oh, f*ck, just get on with it then.

- Are you going yet?
- I can't, you're putting me off.

- sh*t, who's that?
- Northwood?

- Who is it?
- It's obviously me.

What is happening in here?

- Has Charlotte sorted it?
- No. I've sorted it though.

- What have you done?
- My mum's gonna pick us up.

What?

- Oh, this is tragic.
- Called your mom!

Your mum is coming to rescue us
from the toilet of an under-18 disco

because we're being bullied
by 12-year-olds?

No-one must ever know about this.

Si, go outside and take your beating
from this child, and then we can leave.

I'd have taken him down if it
weren't for Northwood.

How were you going to take him down?
Spunk in his eyes?

Oh, sh*t. What if Carli finds
out about me and that girl?

Oh, no! Maybe she still
won't go out with you.

Oh, god this is a f*cking disaster.
No actually, it's OK, it's fine.

- I can move away and change schools.
- My night hasn't been brilliant either.

At least next week will be better,
get my teeth into some journalism.

Oh, yeah, the paper want to keep me
on so there's no room for ya.

Tell me you're joking?

They said I was the best
work experience they'd ever had.

This is an urgent message
for William MacKenzie.

Please make his way
to the front entrance

as his mother is here to
pick him and his friends up.

This is an urgent message
for William MacKenzie.

Please come to the front where your
mother is waiting to collect you.

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

It had been a strange week. I hadn't
experienced much actual work,

but I had learnt some valuable
lessons.

Never work with children or animals.

Don't call your
valentine a porn star.

You're a nasty little virgin.

And despite what I'd thought,

a girl touching your p*nis
is not always a good thing.