02x06 - Exam Time

[bunniefuu]

All in all, it had been a strange
few months for me and my friends.

My plan to raise our social standing
had been a qualified success.

To be honest, if anything,
we'd slipped down the social ladder.

I learned the worst way
to impress a girl.

Feisty one, you are!

Or k*ll a fish.
But the end was in sight.

The end of term, the end of year,

and if I didn't pass my AS levels,
the end of my life.

But at least Simon was relax.

Hi, Simon.

- sh*t!
- Revising hard?

Yeah. sh*t.

- Are you OK?
- Sorry.

Bit wet. Mum'll get it out,
though, not to worry.

Sorry to disturb you.
I wanted to ask a favour.

- You don't know what it is yet.
- Sorry. Go on.

Can I come to yours
and revise sociology with you?

Yes. God, yes.
Come over anytime. Come over now.

I can't come over now.

No, course not.

But this is great of you.

It's hard to revise at home
cos we've got the builders in.

Is that a euphemism?

Sorry?

You know,
like having the painters in.

Sorry, I don't really get it.

No, don't worry,
it wasn't that funny.

- What did you mean?
- Come on, what does it mean?

Just,

"having the painters in" means
being on your period, right?

So when you said
you couldn't concentrate

cos you had the builders in,

I thought that might be a euphemism
for you being on your period.

Right. OK, I see.

- Wasn't that funny, really.
- No, it's fine. I get it.

- See you tonight, then?
- Cool. See you tonight.

You're going to that freak's house?

So despite him behaving like a tool,

Carli was actually
going round to Simon's

and even stranger things
were happening at Jay's.

No, Jay.

I'm not ready, sorry.

No, I'm sorry.
I don't want to rush things either.

- Really?
- Yeah,

I'd hate for you to think
I'm only here for sex.

But just so you know,
if you do want to touch me downstairs,

I'm fine with that.

I'm OK for now.

I'd better go,
my mum's expecting me,

and shouldn't you be revising?

Maybe I should,

but when you're near me, Chloe,
I can't think about anything else.

You're so sweet.

Come on, I'll walk you home.

Unless you want to...

- No, thanks.
- Yeah. No. Come on.

Unlike the others, my revision
strategy

went beyond trying to get into
girls knickers. I was studying hard,

and by hard, I mean doing
anything to avoid revising.

I said no, Mum,
I had a bath yesterday!

All right?

- It's you.
- Yeah. What is all this sh*t?

It's not sh*t. The schedule
alone took me two days to make.

- Look, you'll never guess...
- Don't sit down.

- What?
- Don't... sit... down.

Look, I came round cos
I've got the most amazing news.

Carli asked me, she asked me
if she can come round

to my house to revise.

Amazing, yeah?

Just have a look at
this for me, will you?

- Sure, what is it?
- It's my revision schedule.

- So?
- Does it say,

"Listen to Simon witter on about
his futile crush on Carli D'Amato"?

- Don't be a d*ck. We're mates and...
- Goodbye, Simon!

- I just wanted...
- Goodbye!

Twat.

Look, Simon, I told...

- All right?
- Did you just see Simon?

Nah, your mum let me in.
She is looking hot, if I may say.

You may not.

- Anyway, I need help revising.
- What subjects do you do?

- What, now?
- Yes, now.

- Tech and design and PE.
- PE?

And that's an actual AS level
at the school I now attend, is it?

Oh God! I don't know,
go for a run or something.

Yes, I hadn't thought of that!
Nice one.

Neil jogged home.
And later that evening,

Simon had Carli where he'd always
wanted her, in his bedroom.

Unfortunately, she was fully
clothed and discussing sociology.

I suppose the big thing
is that Parsons' description

is one of the traditional
nuclear families,

so it means what he says might
not be relevant for people.

You could be stronger on that
like it doesn't mean

his work on the family is invalid,
but it's a important qualification.

Right, course.
Do you want to watch a DVD?

Overall, was his theory
evolutionary or revolutionary?

- Revolutionary.
- Evolutionary.

sh*t, I knew that.

Simon, I've just brought you
some biscuits.

What are you doing?
You know you're not allowed in here!

All right, I'm going.
Say hello to your mum for me, Carli.

Go away!

- God, she's a nightmare.
- My mum's the same.

When I split up with Tom,
she was always hanging around

when I was on the phone,
trying to listen in.

Right, yeah.

Sorry, did you say
you'd split up with Tom?

- I thought everyone knew.
- Yeah, course, they do.

He's a stupid lanky twat, isn't he?

- I don't really want to talk about it.
- No, course.

I might put some music on.

Jay got me into this.

Simon, do you mind if
we do something different?

Not at all.
Maybe we could watch that DVD.

I'm really sh1tting myself
about my last exam.

I know you don't do geography, but
would you mind helping me out with it?

I'm finding it hard.

Now?

No problem at all. My pleasure.

Thanks. So I thought
we'd do longshore drift first.

Just turn that off.

So while Simon was cramming
for an exam he wasn't sitting,

Neil got learning difficulties.

- How's your revision going?
- Bad. I think I pulled a hamstring.

All right, benders? You missed me?

Jay! All right, mate?

- Where were you?
- I've been busy.

- Doing what?
- I've met a girl.

Yeah! What's this one,
a Russian lap dancer?

No. Her name's Chloe
and she goes to St Claire's.

We were at the bus stop,
and just got chatting.

Did you f*ck her
behind the bus shelter?

- No, Neil.
- Fingers?

- No.
- Let's see a picture.

Yeah, of her strumming herself.

Neil, can you stop
talking like that?

- Why?
- Because I've never felt this

about a bird before.

Chloe's special.

More special than them twins
that only wanted a**l?

What, them? No, yeah, no. This is
different. That was purely sexual.

Chloe's a real lady.

If she's real,
you should have a photo.

There you go.

Hot stuff!

- She seems nice, mate.
- Yeah, she's good.

You've nicked that off
girl's Facebook site.

- I thought you were revising.
- I'm trying to but

it's impossible with the amount
of noise you idiots are making.

Here we are together.
I've got loads of 'em.

- Doesn't prove anything.
- And do you love her, then?

- f*ck off.
- No denial.

- You f*cking love her.
- Shut up!

Yeah! I thought I recognised her.
She pulled David Glover.

- Don't be a tit, course she hasn't.
- I think she has.

One, she's not like that,
and two, she doesn't know anyone

- from our school.
- I'll ask. Oi, David!

- What?
- Neil, don't. Seriously, don't.

Please don't.

Nothing.

Twat.

Honestly, Neil, she doesn't
know anyone from our school.

Ask her yourself.

We're going down the Fox and Hounds
after the last exam.

- Come along.
- And what? Not get served?

No, Chloe reckons she gets
served there all the time.

- And... Wear your wellies, Neil.
- Why?

Cos you'll be knee deep
in grammar school clunge.

So, somehow, Jay had an
actual non-fictional girlfriend.

But I wouldn't let it distract me
from my new revision strategy,

staring at books
and praying something went in.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Sorry about the other night.

It's just, politics is really important
to me and it's my last exam.

- I didn't mean to be a d*ck.
- You were a d*ck.

Fine. Better get back to it.

Sure.

Why are you revising geography?
You don't do geography!

They letting you
take an extra AS level?

No, it's for Carli.
She just needs a bit of extra help.

So when are you revising
for your own exams?

You know, the ones
in the next couple of days?

I'm not really.
I can always resit.

- How's your revision going?
- Not bad.

Good. Got an excellent schedule sorted,
colour-coded and balancing my time well,

got some drinks here to help,
Pro Plus that sort of thing.

Right.

And nothing's f*cking going in!

Nothing. I mean look at this...

I must have read about the
Accountability of Legislatures

to Citizens 50 times and
I still don't know what it means!

I'm starting to doubt if
"Legislatures" is even a word!

It doesn't look like a word
any more, none of them do.

They just look like
squiggles on a page!

Is this a word?

Yes. Council.

Is it?

It doesn't look right.

I think you probably need
a bit more sleep.

And maybe lay off
the power drinks a bit?

These are full of electrolytes which,
if they exist, are good for my brain.

Think of your stomach though.

Even one of those drinks makes
my shits come out too fast.

I'm just saying. Like rusty water.

It was a novel revision tip,
I'll give him that.

But when it came to advice,
the real man to go to was Mr Cartwright.

- All right, Dad?
- I'm OK.

- Can I ask your advice about something?
- What is it, woman trouble?

Yes, it is.

The girl from the other day?

- There's this guy at school, OK?
- So she's dumped you for this bloke?

That's a lucky escape,
I thought she was a f*cking pig.

No, she hasn't dumped me, Dad.

- I think I love her.
- So you're back with her?

Dad, we didn't split up
and please don't call her a pig.

It's just that
I'm getting a bit jealous, cos

I think she might have seen
a few more people than I have.

I'd say that's a given, isn't it?
If she's got off

with more than one person
she's beaten you hands down.

Look mate,
women are like fairground rides.

f*cking mental.

Your only hope is
when she wants some,

you do the best you can
with your tiny equipment.

And check
where she is the whole time,

that's the only way you'll be sure
she's not sucking off this other bloke.

Right.

Thanks.

Although let's face it,
she probably is.

Fancy a beer?

Thanks for coming round,
it's a really nice surprise.

That's all right.
Just wanted to be near you.

Check how and where you are.

That's sweet.

I'll just get this last bit done
and then I'm all yours.

Cool.

- Did you pull David Glover?
- What?

- David Glover, did you pull him?
- I don't know who that is.

- It's just Neil said...
- Your friend Neil?

- Yeah, do you know him, too?
- No, it's just you mention him a lot.

Right, course.

Anyway.

- Do you want to come mine tomorrow?
- I can't.

- Why, where are you going?
- Well, nowhere.

So you'll be home then?

Yeah.
Shouldn't you be revising as well?

Nah, I'm not allowed to.
Teachers say cos

I've got a photographic memory
it wouldn't be fair on the other kids.

If Jay's made-up memory skill is a
bad revision plan, then Neil's topped it

sitting on his arse
playing computer games.

Neil, I really think
you should be revising.

I am, this is football.

Well, what about your other
subjects, tech and design?

- I put that shelf up, didn't up?
- Was that for your exam?

Yeah. Well, it was 50% of it.

So, whilst Neil wasn't revising
for an exam he was taking,

Simon was revising
for an exam he wasn't.

Perfect answer. You're perfect.

At this.

God, I think I do know it. Amazing.

You've done really,
really well. Honestly.

I couldn't have done it
without you, thanks so much.

- It's late, I should go.
- Sure.

God, maybe I'll actually
pass geography now.

Thanks again.

So, he'd finally worn her down.

And Simon didn't know whether to come
in his pants or text his friends.

In the end, he did both.

It was the day of my last exam, and I'd
just got in a good eight hours revision.

Unfortunately, it was during the eight
hours I should have been sleeping.

What are you doing up?
I thought the politics exam

- wasn't until this afternoon?
- Yes, but this way

I can get a full morning of revision in.
Better to be prepared.

And I've not been to bed,
so what's early?

I am worried about you, petal.
Have you had some breakfast?

No, I'm a bit, you know, my stomach.

Yes, I do know. Would it have k*lled you
to wipe the back of the toilet bowl?

So, while the world was falling out
of my arse, Simon was on top of it.

- I can't believe she kissed me.
- Calm down, it was only a kiss.

Come to me when you're w*nk*ng
over her arse as she frigs herself off.

It was two kisses actually, and she's
told me she's coming to the pub tonight

So I reckon more's coming.

- How's Chloe?
- Yeah, she's good.

Not seen her a lot cos she's revising,
but I know where she's been.

And I text her 15, 16 times a day
to keep in touch, y'know.

- Good idea.
- Send her facebook messages and that.

Bebo, myspace, just to let
her know I'm thinking of her.

- Like a stalker.
- f*ck off.

- How's Count Spacula been getting on?
- Going mental I think.

We'll probably see him when we finish,
his last exam is straight after ours.

- Good luck with your PE.
- Don't forget your kit.

f*ck.

The moment had arrived.
The last exams.

Simon and Jay both knew
they had sacrificed

their chances of good grades
for a shot at love.

A sweet, if remarkably
short-sighted decision.

While had Neil sacrificed his chances
of keeping his ba*ls in his underpants.

But then, for them, it was all over,
bar one last bollocking from Gilbert.

I checked your texts
and despite almost making me vomit

they obviously weren't about the exam.
Count yourself lucky.

I was texting a girl, sir.

Well, good luck with her Cartwright.

All I can say is she can't be too keen
cos it didn't buzz once.

Now piss off and let me get
this final piece of hell over with.

- f*ck me, it's Shaun of the dead.
- You look dreadful mate, really tired.

Why do you think
I'm drinking these energy drinks?

- They perk me up.
- Have you washed?

You can't revise in the shower,
Jay, the books get wet!

Do us a favour and have a shower
before tonight. Seven at mine.

- You betcha.
- Right.

- See you later.
- Good luck, stinky.

It was the most important exam
of my life, and as I sat there,

two thoughts occurred to me.
The first was, "What's the point?"

Seriously? I mean,
what is the point in being alive?

And secondly, I really need a sh*t.

- What is it now, MacKenzie?
- Sir, I need to go to the toilet.

- Again?
- Yes.

- Well, you can't.
- I'm sorry?

That will be the fourth time in a hour.
You'll have to wait.

I'm pretty sure
you can't do that, sir.

If I have reason to believe
you're cheating I can.

And I do, so I have.
Now get on with your paper.

Oh, God, no.

Jesus.

I thought it was a fart, sir.

I thought it was safe!

In a term of low-points, this was it.
Literally the bottom.

Yet as I waddled to the toilet,
I felt strangely optimistic.

Things couldn't get worse.

Painful as it may seem, in a way,
I was free.

Free to reinvent myself
as whatever I wanted.

Right after I changed my underpants.

At least I still had my friends,

who waited a whole 10 minutes
before going to the pub without me.

What's happened?
Will's not normally late.

He's normally irritatingly early.
I hope he's OK.

He's probably on the net looking up
the answers to exam questions.

- And then having a wank.
- What?

It's impossible, innit?

I don't think I've ever been on the net
and not ended up having a wank.

- You think Chloe and Carli will get on?
- Yes, it'll be like a cool double date.

- Ending with both of us getting some.
- Maybe they'll lez off?

Neil, I've told you.
This is your last warning.

- Do you think you'll get served here?
- Course. I've got ID.

- G'day.
- What can I get you?

- Two jars of lager and a coke.
- Stella all right?

Cheers.

- f*cking hell.
- Nice!

The one time we get served
and I'm driving. Bollocks.

It'll be better to be sober
when you see Carli.

I mean, Chloe prefers it.

You know what I used
to be like with the old drink.

Hello!

f*ck me. I thought you dressed
like a twat normally,

but, even for you, that's sh*t.

- Where have you been?
- Just finished my exam.

- It started six hours ago.
- I was a bit delayed.

You look mental.
Take your tie off at least.

Why are you wearing
tracksuit bottoms?

The tracksuit bottoms
are from lost property,

as are my new underpants,
which I won't show you.

And what's in that bag?

Well, in there are the trousers
and pants I wore to school this morning.

What? Are you doing
a fashion show or something?

It's a long story, Neil,
but the salient facts are these:

recently, I've had a nervy tummy,
due to stress, I think.

And all the energy drinks
and Pro Plus.

Perhaps. And in the exam
I took a risk and it backfired.

I went to fart and, instead,

sh*t myself.

- You're joking.
- No, I'm not.

- In front of everyone?
- Yep.

Oh, my God.

Yes. And because of my high heart rate,
the school nurse spent three hours

calming me down before I went back
into an empty exam hall to finish.

Hence I am late. Apologies.

- And how did you?
- I think

I might have failed, Neil.
I was a bit distracted.

Why didn't you go home and change?
People will take the piss, mate.

Just to reiterate, I loudly sh*t myself
in front of the school.

I can't hide it.

Life doesn't get much more
embarrassing than that.

This get-up is a mere fly
in the ointment.

Have you gone mad?

Possibly, hard to tell.
Drinks, anyone?

Now, what could make this day worse?
Oh, yeah. Not getting served.

- Hello. Could I have a pint of lager?
- Stella?

Sorry, you may have misheard.
I said I'd like a pint of lager.

- Yeah. Stella?
- Yes. Right.

- Well. What if I want two pints?
- Two pints?

There you go.

What about this?

- He's going to get drunk, I reckon.
- Be dressed like that is weird enough,

but that bag's got
his shitty clothes in it.

No-one brings a bag of sh*t
to a pub.

- Your dad does.
- Does he?

Your mum.

Brilliant!

That'll be £6.20, please.

Interesting.

I'll have another pint then, please.

- Hi Jay.
- Chloe!

Darling, this is Neil and Simon.
This is Chloe.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.

- Do you want a drink, babes?
- Actually, Jay,

- could we go and have a chat outside?
- Yeah, course.

I only want to be with you anyway.

I see these twats all the time.

Yeah, go on. Muff before mates.

Just the two of us then.

- And Will.
- Yeah. Not sure he'll be joining us.

We'll still have a laugh.
Me and you.

- Yeah, course. Cheers, mate.
- Cheers.

Nice idea.
This is much more private.

I've been wanting
to kiss you for ages.

- I've missed you so much.
- No, Jay.

Listen, we need to talk.

Yeah, I know.

I love our talks,

where you tell me about how you've like
fallen out with one of your mates

and how you've made up again
later or something.

No, I mean, talk about us.

It's not you, it's me.
I just don't feel this is right anymore.

What's not right?
What, coming to the pub?

- We can leave, if you like.
- No, Jay.

Me and you.

I just don't think it's right
we see each other anymore.

I think you're a bit
too sensitive for me.

No, I'm not. I'm really not.

- I promise you.
- You are for me.

And you're a bit needy,
it's scared me.

I'm not ready
for that kind of thing.

All the texting, all the calls,
it's too intense, it's too much.

I can change. I'll change.

You know,
I won't call for ages, for weeks.

You know, tell me what you want me
to be and I'll be exactly that.

I'll be exactly that. Just...

Please don't split up with me.

I'm sorry, Jay,
I've made up my mind.

I hope we can be friends.

Right. Yeah.

- Course.
- Cool.

Have a nice evening.
See you later.

While Jay struggled to cope
with his problems,

I'd found an excellent way
to deal with mine.

This is fantastic.

No wonder so many people
drink away their whole lives.

Barkeep, another pint, please.

Sure.

So while I gave my liver a kicking,

Simon and Neil were enjoying
each other's company.

- Why don't we go and...
- Hold on a second.

Hi, Simon.

Hi.

- I've made you a CD.
- Right.

- Thanks.
- It's nothing.

The songs on it do say things
I want to say, but sort of better.

Listen,
I've got to tell you something.

Oh, God, I know. I feel it too.

I've always felt it for years
and now it's happened and here we are.

I'm back with Tom.

You all right, Simon?
Get us a seat, Carls.

I'll get the drinks in, OK?

You're back with Tom.

That was what you wanted to say?
Not that you love...

I'm really sorry.

Do you want to join us for a drink?

Better get back to Neil.
I left him on his own.

I should take that CD back as well,
I think.

- Can't I keep it?
- No, I've got to have it back.

That's a shame. It looks really...

- Are those drawings of me?
- Not all of you.

And is that you?

See ya!

Goodbye, cruel pants.

All right, you big poof?

Where's your bit then?

I thought you'd be out here
up to your nuts in guts.

Nah. I had to,

I had to give her the boot.

Did you?

- I thought you were really into her?
- Nah!

She was like...

Frigid.

And...
She wouldn't have this threesome

even though I organised it
with a top lezza model.

And...

My c*ck was too big for her.

It's all right, mate.

It'll be OK.

Have you two kissing?

- What's wrong with Jay?
- It's OK.

He's split up with Chloe.

- I dumped her.
- Make sure you tell people that.

- Yeah, course, mate.
- What, even though it isn't true?

Come on, let's go.
This place is cursed.

My God. It's haunted?

- No, Neil.
- Well, it might be.

Like one of those ghost stories,
Harry Potter or the Bible.

Maybe I could have one more pint?
I did sh*t myself at school today.

- No, we're off.
- What about Carli?

- She dumped him.
- I wasn't dumped. It was...

It was more a mutual decision.

She mutually decided
she fancied her boyfriend more?

Come on, Jay.

- Come on, mate. You'll be all right.
- We'll get you some chips.

I think now's a good time to tell
you I'll probably puke in your car.

- Great!
- Don't worry.

It won't make this sh*t heap
any worse.

- Shotgun!
- You've perked up.

Yeah, well, I suppose
there's plenty more clunge in the sea.

That's it.

Top year next year,
so we'll pick the birds.

- Yeah.
- God, next term.

Anyone's going to remember
my accident, right?

Yes. Of course they will.

Well, they won't call you
Briefcase Mong anymore.

- That's good.
- No, they'll call you Shitpants Mong.

- Or Shitty Shitty Bang Bang.
- Any more?

Wayne Pooney. Take Shat.

Dr Poo.

The Lion, The Witch
and The Specky Kid Who sh*t Himself.

- We can keep this up all summer.
- Brilliant. Looking forward to it.

Brad sh*t.

- Bumlog Millionaire!
- All right!

- How about Vladimir Pootin?
- Who?