13x11 - Squidferatu/Slappy Daze

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Ready?

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[waves crashing]

[spooky music]

♪ ♪

[urchins chattering]

[ominous music]

[urchins screaming]

- Biting my begonias, eh?

Not on my watch!
[laughs]

- Mailman!

- Wha--?

- [screams]

- Oh, a letter.
Uh, thank you!

Nosferatu?

[lighting cracks]

Huh?
What?

[sighs]

I got his mail
by mistake again!

[grumbles]

I'll just file that in here.

- [muffled speech]

- [chuckles]
Huh?

- [muffled speech]
- SpongeBob?

- [muffled speech]

- What are you doing
in my garbage?

- ♪ Spring cleaning ♪

But, Squidward, for shame.

You can't just throw out
the mail of Nosferatu.

[lightning crashes]
- Huh?

- You have to
deliver it yourself.

[gasps]

Otherwise, it'd be
a federal crime!

And I'll be an accessory!

[hyperventilating]

- All right, already!
I'll take it to him.

- Hurray!

- But you are
carrying the mail.

- Ha!
One little letter?

No problemo.
- Hold on.

There's more.

- Ooh!
- Here's the rest of it.

I have been getting
that creepy guy's mail

by mistake for years!

- [gasps]
Squidward, look!

"Bleeder's Digest."
"Bat Fancy."

"Blood of the Month Club."

[blood squelches]

- Eh.

- Squidward, do you
know what this means?

- No.

- It means somebody
is going to be very happy

to get all their mail,
somebody named Nosferatu.

[lightning crashes]
- Ah!

Huh?
What?

What was that?
Stop looking at me.

[wolf howls]

[whistling melody]

Well, this is the address.

[grunts]
- Ooh!

That castle is so high!

- [whistling melody]

- Please, I beg you,

do not go to the castle!
The master is a vampire!

He means to suck your blood!

[sobbing]

- What are you talking about?
- Nosferatu!

[lightning crashes]

- Mm-hmm.
- [laughs]

- Right.
I'm sorry.

I don't have any spare change.

- Don't go to the castle!
Don't go to the castle!

Don't go--
[skeletal seahorse neighs]

- [snarls]

- Ow!
- Ah!

Well, a coach to the castle.
How elegant.

Step lively, SpongeBob.
- [grunting]

[humming melody]
- [gasps]

- The castle!
- Aw.

Looks like someone
could use a Krabby Patty.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- [chuckles]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[both grunting]

♪ ♪

- Whoo!
Whoo!

♪ ♪

- Whoa!
- Oh, whoa!

♪ ♪

- We're taking
the bus on the way home!

- [grunts]
- Huh?

Hmm.

[eerie organ music]

♪ ♪

[wolf howls]

♪ ♪

[both grunt]

- [grumbling]

[knocks]

Hello, Nosferatu?

[lightning crashes]
Hmm.

Well, looks like nobody's home.

Of course.

Hello?

We're just here
to drop off your mail.

- Whoa!

[lightning crashes]
- [screams]

What's happening?

- [snickering]

- Aw!
It's just Nosferatu!

[lightning crashes]
- Whew!

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- [hisses]
- [screams]

[plucky music]

♪ ♪

- The master bids you welcome,

and he thanks you
for dropping off his mail.

- Oh.

- Ooh.

[belches]

[giggles]
- [laughs]

- [laughs]

- [laughs]
- [laughs]

[laughter]

- Hmm?
[groans]

[laughter]

Knock it off!
- I am sorry, Master.

It won't happen again.

- Ew.
We'll let ourselves out.

- Aw, I don't want to leave.

Boo!

[lightning crashes]
- Ah!

- Oh, you can't leave
due to inclement weather.

- We can't leave yet.
Yay!

[eerie music]

- Gulp.

- The Master has invited you
to stay for the night,

but first, he would like
to have you both for dinner.

[laughs]

- [laughs]

- Well, uh,
under the circumstances,

I wouldn't mind some
fine Transylvanian cuisine

for a change.
- Change?

I can make change.
[laughs]

- Get away from me.

- [snorting and chuckling]
Come, come.

- Oh, oh.
- [laughs]

♪ ♪

- [laughs]

[gentle violin music]

- Wow!
What a spread.

I don't know what to try first.

- Oh, I can help you decide.
[laughs]

We have
roasted werewolf teeth,

pickled demon beards,
fried mummy fingers,

and brains tartare.
- [retches]

- Ooh, don't mind if I do--oh.
[laughs]

- Or maybe you would like
something sinfully succulent.

- Ooh,
a Carpathian cheese ball.

Uh, eh.
- Whoopsie!

That's my dinner.
Come to daddy!

- Ooh.
- [groans]

- Oh, you've got to try
these mummy fingers, Squidward.

So delicious.

Nosferatu, you simply
must give me the recipe.

- Hm.

[woman screams]

Well, maybe if I put
some ketchup on it.

- [munching]
Ketchup?

Good thing I came prepared.

Ketching up!

[energetic music]

- Hmm.
Ah.

- [laughs]
Whoa!

- [sighs]

- [growls]

[slurps]

[gags]
- Nosferatu, ketchup?

Whoa!
- Mm-hm.

[sighs]
- [laughs]

- [hisses]

- The Master says,
"Sleep tight

and don't let
the vampire bats bite."

[laughs]

- [laughs]

[laughter]

- [hisses]

- The Master bids you
good night.

[laughs softly]

- Good night, Nosferatu!

[eerie organ music]

♪ ♪

- This place
gives me the creeps.

But so what?
It's only one night.

Right, SpongeB--

- [snoring]

- Huh?
- Whoops!

Forgot to brush my teeth.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[snoring]
Whoops!

Forgot to floss.
- Huh?

- [snoring]
Ooh!

Forgot to wash my head.
- Huh?

- Whoops!
Forgot to polish my eyes.

- Huh?

Will you go
night night time already?

- Nosferatu?

- Why are you sticking out
of the wall like that?

- [hisses]

- [screams]

I can't believe Nosferatu
tried to bite me!

He's a real life v-v-vampire!

- He's gonna suck our blood!
[sobs]

- There's got to be
a way out of this castle!

- I can show you a way out!

[laughs]

Slappy sleepy.

- Let's try these doors!

- [snarls]

[both scream]

[laughter]

[both scream]

[both scream]

[both hyperventilating]

[together]
Gorilla monster!

[both scream]

- Quick,
down the laundry chute!

- [screams]

[loud thud]

- Whoa!
- [screaming]

[both scream]

- It's a vampire's coffin!
[whimpers]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Nosferatu two-step!

♪ ♪

- Yay!
Ow.

- Snap out of it, SpongeBob!

What if he bites our necks...
[gasps]

Or my nose?
- Oh!

I know what to do.

In those vampire movies,
they always make wooden stakes.

- [gasps]
That's a great idea!

Here!

[cow moos]

- Will these even work
without steak sauce?

[both scream]

- You shouldn't disturb
the master's laundry tomb.

He would be very cranky
if he found you here,

and you never know
where he might be.

- He's right behind us,
isn't he?

- Hmm?
Nope.

Nobody there.
We're fine.

[both scream]

- Please don't eat us!

- Oh, the master is not hungry.

He just had a big lunch.

He wanted to return your mail.

- Oh.
Well, how thoughtful of you.

Uh, thanks.
- Ooh!

Open it, Squidward!

What'd you get?
- Let's see.

Oh, yes!

It's my Garlic
of the Month Club!

Wait.
Uh-oh.

- [gagging]

[chuckles]

- The master
is just joshing with you.

He loves garlic.

[laughter]
- Um.

- Oh!
[laughter]

- Huh?
- Mm-mm-mm.

- Well, if you're not flicking
the lights on and off,

then who is?

[eerie organ music]

[together]
Phantom of the Opera!

- [laughs]

[laughter]

[organ music]

♪ ♪

- [snoring]

[alarm blaring]

[wolf howling]

- Pick me!
- Me!

- Pick me!

- Pick--pick Me!
- Me!

all: Aw.

- [yawns]

- [hissing]

- Ah, Esmeralda.
Good evening.

[spooky music]

♪ ♪

[clears throat]

Wakey-wakes, Master.

The first blood of the day
is the most important.

Huh?
Master?

[gasps]

- [hisses]
[sneezes]

[whimpers]

- Oh, no.

You've got
a stuffy Nose-feratu.

- [sneezes]

[hisses]

[sneezes]

[whimpers]

- We have to get you
to Dr. Calamari right away.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[breathing heavily]

- [sneezes]

[groans]

♪ ♪

[sneezes]

- Next patient.

- Salutations, Dr. Calamari.

The master has a case of
the Transylvanian sniff-sniffs.

Can you help?

- [screeches]

- Thank you
for bringing him in, Slappy.

I'll steam those allergies
right out of his schnoz.

- [screeches]

- Come back in two hours
und pick him up.

- I'll be right back, Master.

Oh, I almost forgot.

[laughs]

- [sneezes]

[growls]

- Yes, Master.

I will bring you blood samples
und cookies.

- Two hours?

What am I gonna do
for two whole hours?

Let's find out, eh?
Eh?

♪ ♪

[electronic music]

- Get ready to prance, prance
on your grave!

- Oh, I just love to prance.

♪ ♪

Oh, I feel so free and loose!

♪ ♪

[buzzer blares]

Hooray!
I made a swish.

[all cheering]

- Step right up
and squirt yourself a prize!

- [laughs]
Yeah!

- Ooh!

We have a winner!

Winner, winner!

Step right up
and squirt yourself a prize!

- Oh!
Reach for the sky, bottles.

Whoa!
Ah! Oh!

- Step right up, and squ--

[expl*si*n]

[all cheer]

- We have another winner.

[laughs]
Uh-oh.

[tires screeching]

[loud thud]

Oh, hello, Slippy.

You look positively disgusting
this evening.

[wheezing laugh]

- You look pretty horrifying
yourself, Slappy.

[laughs]

[laughter]

What can I get you today?

- Oh, I need a can
of bat food

and a flea collar
for the master.

- Oh, that master sure is lucky

to have you
looking out for him.

- Oh.
[chuckles]

What do I owe you,
gruesome?

- Shh.

It's on the house, stink lips.

- Until our eyes
cross again, mon cheri.

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

[record scratches]

- Excuse me.
Do you sell snail diapers?

- [meows]
- Ew.

- Ah, it is always great to go

on a picnic with old friends.

Oh, Mr. Ribeye?

Mr. Ribeye,
do you have the time?

Oh, I have to pick up
the master.

See you soon, everyone,
but hopefully not too soon.

[laughs]

- Bye!
- Bye!

- See you later, Slappy!
- See you!

- Come back soon!

- Nosferatu.
- Nosferatu.

- Dr. Calamari, I'm back.

- Nosferatu.
Nosferatu.

- So tell me, Doctor,
is the master cured?

- All better!

Make sure he takes these
nose drops twice a night.

- Oh, thank you, Dr. C.

- Who was a good vampire?

- Hmm?

[slurping]

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, yes,
of course I bought you

that flea collar
you saw in the window.

[laughs]

Very fetching, Master.

Huh?

I'll put that
in the fridge for later.

- [grumbles]

- Oh, you don't have
to thank me, Master.

You're my best friend.
[laughs]

Oh!

Yes, Master!
Let's go home now.

♪ ♪

First one to the castle

is a filthy, stinking cesspool
of despair!

♪ ♪

Huh?

I am soaring like a bat!
Soaring!

Oh!