01x01 - Outback UFO Tours

[bunniefuu]

[EERIE SOUNDSCAPE]

[INSECTS CHIRP AND BUZZ]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[PANTS, GASPS]

Aah! [GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

[CAR HORN BLARES]

[EXHALES]

sh*t!

[SIREN WAILS]

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

[ENGINES SHUT OFF]

- [WINDOW WINDS DOWN]
- [SIGHS]

[SOFTLY] sh*t.

[KEYS JANGLE]

[MAN SIGHS]

[AMERICAN ACCENT]
Uh, morning, Officer.

Would you believe it?

I... I, um... I
dropped a... a mint

and when I was bending over...

Well, well, well, look what
the spider caught today.

Ah!

Driver's licence, sunshine.

- Yeah.
- Let's go.

MAN: There you go.

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

Andrew Pruden.

Cin... Cin... Cin-cinnat...

Cin-cinnat-eye.

It's Cincinnati, uh, Ohio.

And, please, you...
you can call me Andy.

[SARCASTICALLY] Can I?

Have you had anything
to drink today, Andrew?

Uh, no. [LAUGHS] No.

But you do drink? You
like to party? Hm?

Yeah, but... but to
be clear, I haven't...

It's alright. We all like to
have a drink now and then.

A party.

So, I need to ask you a favour.

OK.

I need you to
breathe into my face.

[STAMMERS]

Uh, s-sorry, I thought...
You want me to...

Breathe

into my face.

You... you mean like a...

Like a breathalyser check?

Like, because I'm happy to...

Do you have maybe
a breathalyser?

[WHISPERS] Go on. Give it to me.

Like... like actually...

- Breathe.
- [EXHALES]

Like that?

Open mouth. Show me.

Open... That
wasn't... It was op...

- OFFICER: Open. Ahh.
- Like...

[EXHALES HESITANTLY]

[WHISPERS] MORE.

More? OK.

[EXHALES]

[WHISPERS] Harder.

OK.

[EXHALES]

[OFFICER SIGHS] Mm.

Mm.

Was that... Is that OK?

Yeah, you're in the clear. So,
where you headed to, Andrew?

Uh, nowhere...
nowhere in particu...

Just... I'm here
to see the sights.

Well, here's a sight for you

your pretty little face

mashed up against the
front of a road train.

So, here's a little tip.

Out here, yeah, we
drive on the left.

Yeah, yeah, no, I... Yes.

- Believe me, I just...
- No, no, shh. Don't apologise.

Just don't die.

Got it. Don't die.

What am I gonna do with you?

[INHALES DEEPLY]

So, am I... Sorry, am
I... Can I go now or...

I don't know.

Can you?

- Um...
- [ENGINE STARTS]

If it's OK, I'm gonna just...

Drive safe.

['GHOST RIDER' BY SUICIDE]

♪ Hey, baby, baby, baby
He's a-screamin' away

♪ America, America
is killin' its youth

♪ America, America
is killin' its youth

♪ Hey!

♪ Ghost rider... ♪

[HANDBRAKE CLICKS]

♪ Ghost rider

♪ Hoo. ♪

[SIGHS] Holy sh*t.

[ANIMALS TRILL AND
SQUAWK IN DISTANCE]

[INTRIGUING PIANO MUSIC]

[FOLK MUSIC PLAYS
SOFTLY OVER SPEAKER]

Hello?

♪ I keep on talking to myself

♪ I'm going home

♪ I'm going home... ♪

Hello?

Hello?

[FOLK SONG CONTINUES FAINTLY]

[INTRIGUING PIANO MUSIC]

Jesus Christ. UFOs now?

[VEHICLE ENGINE
ROARS IN DISTANCE]

♪ I'm coming home... ♪

- [TYRES SCREECH]
- No, no, no, no, no, no!

- [COUGHS]
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO]

[ENGINE REVS]

[ENGINE STOPS]

- [COUGHS]
- G'day, love.

Nearly got ya! [CHUCKLES]

- Beer?
- It's 10am.

Better make it two, then, hey?

ANDY: Uh, that's OK. I... I...

WOMAN: Jimmy, you're meant
to be minding the bar for me.

How am I supposed to watch the
bar when I'm taking confession?

A confession? Is
this a church or...?

No, it's a pub,
first and foremost.

Yeah, but...

[GERMAN ACCENT] I've
nothing to confess anyway.

- You sure about that, Cedric?
- CEDRIC: Yep.

WOMAN: There you go, darl.

Be 16 bucks.

- 16?!
- I know. Shocking, isn't it?

Government taxes.
[SLAMS CASH DRAWER]

- Oh, that was a 50.
- Oh, right.

Listen, I'm running low
on change at the moment.

Tell you what

we'll set you up a bar tab

and I'll let you know
when the 50 runs out.

So, what brings you to town?

Uh, actually, I'm here
to do the UFO tour.

What? Seriously?

Why?

I heard all about it, so...

JIMMY: In America?

Mm-hm. Yeah.

This is... This is the
guy, right? The tour guide?

Ah, that's him. Hugo.

Right. Uh, Hugo, is...
is he... Is he here?

Normally

sitting right there,

running up his bar tab.

Come to think of it, I
haven't seen Hugo in...

Oh, it's gotta be a week.

No, since trivia a
few Tuesdays ago.

WOMAN: Probably just
gone bush for a bit.

Everybody goes for a wander
sooner or later out here.

They always come back, but.

JIMMY: Well, you know,
there are horror stories.

[CHUCKLES] Serial
K*llers, getting lost,

eaten by bull ants when
you're starving to death.

Oh, and crocs.

Uh, mostly crocs.

Yeah, do you think you could
show me where Hugo's house is?

[INTRIGUING SYNTH MUSIC]

[ANDY EXHALES]

JIMMY: He must really love UFOs.

[LAUGHS] He's gonna
be very disappointed.

It's such a sh*t tour.

Hello?

CEDRIC: Oh, well!

We tried. [CHUCKLES]

I thought you said
he'd give us a tip.

- I don't know. They usually do.
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- Those Americans.

[UNSETTLING JAZZY MUSIC]

[KNOCKS]

[EXHALES]

Sorry. We're full.

- Oh, no. That's...
- WOMAN 2: Who is it?

WOMAN 1: Uh, a customer.
Who do you think?

- Not a customer.
- So, what do you want?

Just looking for a man.
Hugo. Do you know him?

Hi. Uh, I'm looking
for this man, Hugo.

I was wondering if you
could tell me about Hugo.

Hugo? Don't know any Hugos.

Really? In a town of 12 people?

I'm not at liberty to say.

I've got a business to run, so
unless you're buying a pie...

Isn't this a Chinese restaurant?

Yeah, it was when I bought it,

but I've combined it
with my love of baking.

- You wanna try one?
- Are you FBI, are ya?

No, I'm not FBI.

Oh, OK. OK.

Why all the interest in
Hugo's UFO tour, then?

He's, um, a bit of a pain
in the arse at times,

but that's kinda part
of his charm, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. Charmer, he is.

- Braised camel toe.
- Oh! The whole toe, huh?

You are Noel Pinkus,

general store owner
and postmaster, right?

This is getting a
little personal.

We don't even know
each other, do we?

It's just that it
says it right there

on the photo of you on the wall.

- Does it?
- Hugo?

Do you know the last
time you spoke with him?

Maybe he told you
where he was going?

Well, we don't speak,
if you must know.

Oh. Why is that?

'Cause Mum's a drama queen.

OK, stay out of it, Shoshanna.

How was your flight
from Langley?

I didn't fly from Langley.

And that's... Just for the
record, that's CIA, so...

Oh, are you CIA?

We had an American
couple here last year.

Ted and Janice... What
was their last name?

Uh, Ringwood, I
think, wasn't it?

No, Redford. Redford.
Like Robert Redford.

I'm pretty sure it was Ringwood.

I don't think it was Ringwood.

- It doesn't really matter.
- You know what?

I'm gonna go and get
the visitors' book.

- No, that's not...
- Try it.

- Oh, I'm OK, thank you.
- Try it.

- It's fine. I'm not hungry.
- Come on! Try it.

What happened to your neck?

Well, I get a bit of a sore neck

from laying on the
couch sometimes.

- Am I a suspect in all this?
- In all what?

Whatever this is,
mate! You tell me!

- Ted and Janice... Green.
- Green?

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Told you it was a colour.

- Hey? Green!
- [LAUGHS] Way off!

- How long have you been here?
- 35 years.

Seems like a long time to not
know anybody in your tiny town.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Eat the pie and I'll
tell you where Hugo is.

[ANDY BITES HESITANTLY]

Yeah, so, circling
back to Hugo...

Who even are you?

You can't pin this on me. Nah.

No f*ck' chance.

- I won't go down for this.
- Mm-hm. So, where is he?

No idea. Good, though, isn't it?

Never mind. Thank
you for your time.

WOMAN 2: Piss off!

[INSECTS CHIRP]

[DIDGERIDOO MUSIC]

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

[INTRIGUING MUSIC CONTINUES]

What the hell?

[EXHALES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mm.

[EXHALES] G'day. I'm Hugo.

If you're watching this,

it means something's
happened to me.

[EXHALES]

You know, the universe,
it's a big place

and we are but merely
specks of dust...

[DISTANT CLATTERING, SCRAPING]

I may not know...

[STOPS TAPE]

Hello?

[DISTANT CLATTERING]

Hello?

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

[BREATHES SHARPLY, SIGHS]

What are you doing?

Me?

What are you doing? I'm
gonna call the cops.

Wait, no. Uh...

Hugo is my dad.

[LAUGHS]

What? I'm supposed to believe
Hugo's got a son from America?

Yeah, he used to
live there. Look.

Looks nothing like you.

I was eight.

- [DISTANT CLATTERING]
- CEDRIC: OK! Hah!

I got the snowboard, but I
couldn't find your golf club.

You're stealing from him?

Not stealing!
Taking what's owed.

ANDY: Why does Hugo
have a snowboard?

Some backpacker gave it
to him. Now it's mine.

Payment for services rendered.

You really Hugo's boy?

- [SIGHS]
- [LAUGHS] Hugo is your father?

- You sure?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.

HUGO ON VIDEO: You know, the
universe, it's a big place

and we are but merely
specks of dust inside of it.

I may not know where
I've been taken, exactly,

but I'm pretty sure
I know who's got me,

so you might wanna
jot this down.

They are called

the Azyarn species.

- That's A-Z-Y-A-R-N...
- [SIGHS HEAVILY]

from just beyond Kepler-1606b.

CEDRIC: The Azyarn?

I've been communicating
with them for years.

Now, the thing you have to
know about the Azyarnians...

sh*t!

[GROANS IN FRUSTRATION]

I'm dead. [CHUCKLES]

Ah, I'm so dead.

[ANDY EXHALES HEAVILY]

Uh... Thank you.

Thanks for coming, guys,

uh, but I got...

I got some stuff I
gotta figure out,

so if you could...

JIMMY: Let's go. Come on.

ANDY: f*ck.

JIMMY: Told you he was nuts.

[CEDRIC MUTTERS]

Oh. Hah. Oh, this is mine too.

- [MELANCHOLY MUSIC]
- [DOOR SLIDES SHUT]

Dad, how long do you have
to go back to Australia for?

Not long, mate. Just
got a few things to do.

Gotta see a few people.

It'll be a couple of
weeks. Then I'll be home.

Hey, buddy. Hey, what'll I
bring you when I come back, hmm?

Maybe a toy koala
or a... a boomerang.

Whew! [CHUCKLES]

- [VEHICLE APPROACHES]
- [BRAKES SQUEAK]

[ENGINE IDLES]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE]

[ENGINE REVS]

[GROANS SOFTLY]

[VEHICLE DRIVES AWAY]

[PHONE RINGS AND BUZZES]

Hello?

[AMERICAN ACCENT]
Tell me you found him.

More importantly, the money.

Actually, um,

it doesn't look that good.

What?

It looks like maybe
he's not here.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

[GROANS]

We're going to jail or worse.

Look, these people
don't mess around!

No, Dom, no. No-one's
going to jail, OK?

Just... just... just
try and stay calm.

Stay calm?

Oh, come on, man! We
are running out of time.

I know, I know,

I know, and I will find him,

I... I promise.

How?

[SIGHS] Somebody has
to know something.

It's a tiny town.

Maybe they just need
a little incentive.

- [STICKY TAPE RIPS]
- [DRIVING ROCK MUSIC]

Ah!

- [SNAKE HISSES]
- AAH!

[GASPS]

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[GASPS]

There he is.

Jesus. Call an ambulance!
[INHALES SHARPLY]

Ambulance? Out here?

- [ALL LAUGH]
- I was bitten by a snake.

Must have been
bitten by Old Rex.

- Yeah.
- Ah.

No, no, no, no, no.
It wasn't a dog.

- It was a snake.
- No, Old Rex is a snake.

My snake, as it happens.
Extremely venomous.

Don't worry.

I had his venom glands removed

when he was in my zoo

before Hugo let him out.

Why is my hand the
size of a grapefruit?

It'll calm down when you do.

Now, listen, about your
dad, I mean, who knew?

Yeah.

Anyhoo, I, uh, remembered
that, um, he's, um...

He's gone fishing. Yeah.

He hasn't gone fishing.

He told me himself
in confessional

that he's gone to Perth.

Hugo doesn't go to confession.

Are you calling me a liar?

- If you want to know where he...
- Now, wait a minute.

Steady on. We were here
first. We get first dibs.

[ALL ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER]

Hey. Hey!

[TOWNSFOLK STOP ARGUING]

Now, I think the
patient would like

a bit of peace
and quiet, please.

- CEDRIC: But we were just...
- OFFICER: Let's go!

Fishing.

[TOWNSFOLK MURMUR INDISTINCTLY]

I never thought we'd
see each other again.

Never did introduce myself.
I'm Sergeant Geraldine Walters.

Yeah, hi. Thank,
uh... Thanks for...

Yeah, I heard... a rumour

that there's been a break
and enter at these premises.

Oh. Oh, no, no. This is my... my
dad's hou... The door was open.

[CHUCKLES] Ease up.

I couldn't give a flying
doggie's d*ck about that.

I...

I'm just here for
the reward money.

Found this.

What's this?

That's your dad's
boot, gorgeous.

How do you know it's his?

Well, it matches the
photo, don't you think?

Everybody here wears
boots like this.

How does this in any way
help locate my father?

Dunno. That's for
you to figure out.

But now's the time for you
to cough up the reward money.

Uh, absolutely not.
You're a police officer.

If this is in any
way a genuine clue,

shouldn't you be keeping
this for evidence?

Alright.

[CHUCKLES] Alright,
we'll do it your way.

- Constable?
- MAN: Yep?

Captain America here wants us
to open up an investigation

into the whereabouts
of his old man.

ANDY: No, I didn't say...

Can you cordon off the house?

- 'Cause it's now a crime scene.
- ANDY: What?

Which means you won't
be able to stay here.

But...

Also, can you get
his fingerprints

and a statement?

Wh... For what?

You just confessed to a B&E

and that's on top of some
very reckless driving

I witnessed yesterday.

I dropped a mint!

Now, if we get your
full cooperation,

maybe I won't have you arrested.

But as you're now a
person of interest,

better not leave town, sunshine.

What's this?

That's my number, not
that you deserve it.

[SCOFFS]

[DIDGERIDOO MUSIC]

[ANDY SIGHS]

Bourbon, please. Neat.

Or that.

WOMAN: I hear you
need a place to stay.

Word travels fast.

It's 150 a night.



Demand just went up, didn't it?

So, you're Hugo's son, hey?

- 'Fraid so.
- [PEN SCRATCHES]

That's my boy.
Little Bobby John.

Oh, yeah? And where's
Little Bobby John now?

Dead.

Car accident 22 years ago.

Uh, I'm so sorry.

I'll get your key.

CEDRIC: You're a
long way from home.

Yeah. You and me both, right?

Me? No. This is my home.
Has been for many years.

Well, uh, pff...

It's always nice to meet someone
from somewhere else, I guess.

Everyone here is
from somewhere else.

Didn't you know? This is
where people come to run away.

Yeah. Well, that figures.

What are you running away from?

CEDRIC: Same thing as you.

Myself.

[LAUGHS]

OK.

Hey, uh, let me
ask you something.

You didn't happen to
see a car last night

just idling in the middle
of the street, about 4am?

N... No-one drives at night.

- Why?
- It's too dangerous.

All the cattle,
roos, pigs, camels.

Hit one of those and
it's guten nacht!

- [KEYS JANGLE]
- WOMAN: Here you are.

Room 1. Enjoy your stay.

Oh. Careful.

[UNEASY MUSIC]

[ANDY SIGHS]

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

[EXHALES]

[CAR APPROACHES, STOPS]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE]

Hey! Hey!

Wait! Wait!

Hugo!

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

[ENGINE STARTS]

sh*t!

Aah!

[ENGINE REVS]

Come on!

[INTRIGUING MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SHOVEL STRIKES IN DISTANCE]

[ANDY WHISPERS] What the f*ck?

[DINGO HOWLS]

[SOFTLY] Psst! Hey!

Shoo! Shoo!

Hey! Shoo!

Go.

[INTRIGUING MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[GASPS]

[GASPS] No!

['BUTCH THINGS' BY WARM DRAG]

♪ Well, you know
the butch things

♪ Come out at night

♪ Standing on street corners

♪ Lit by a lamp, yeah!

♪ Leather jackets

♪ And tight-jeaned bikes

♪ Oh

♪ And all the sweet young things

♪ That wish to join in

♪ Riddled with acne

♪ And the blemish of a pale skin

♪ Your ears too big and
your legs too thin, oh

♪ And, oh, the... ♪