01x10 - Like Father Like Son

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to the Bidgee
Pub trivia night.

What is the maximum penalty
for drug dealing in this state?

What the devil is she up to?

CASSIE: There are three motives

responsible for
nearly all murders.

- What are they?
- [GARETH SCREAMS]

It's a pub, Your Honour,
not a f*cking courtroom!

Dom's dead, Andy.

[SILENCED g*nsh*t]

Hope you're not thinking
about stealing a car

and leaving town, hot stuff.

You have to come now. Hurry!

Hugo?

Where am I?

[TENSE MUSIC]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SHOUTS IN PANIC]

[STAMMERS]

[SCREAMS]

HUGO: At first, I was scared.

But I knew I was being
given the opportunity

that would slip through
the fingers of lesser men.

- JIMMY: Hmm.
- [HUGO SLURPS NOISILY]

It was incredible.

There I was.

I could almost reach out

and touch the stars.

And...

Mere words cannot do it justice.

The colours.

Like a thousand
burst eye vessels

smooched together.

The planets were like... uh

um, giant, ancient skulls

floatin' in a sea of darkness.

Anyway, there I was,

just turnin' like a
rotisserie chicken.

I was at the very
rim of the galaxy.

There were vibratin'
voids of darkness

and swarms of
meteors and nebulae

and... red dwarfs.

I really don't know
how long I was gone

before I was lookin'
down at the earth again,

floatin' high above the town.

Then a blindin' bright light

shot me back.

That's where I've been.

Convenient they dropped you

outside the pub on
its busiest night.

I wonder why they
didn't drop you

back where you were abducted.

Who can explain alien logic?

NOEL: So

why are you naked?

My clothes disintegrated

when I was beamed up, Noel!

Do you have any idea what's
been going on around here?

Do you... Do you
recognise this man?

[TENDER MUSIC]

Never seen him before.

[SCOFFS] I knew it.

Oh, yes. Andy. How's tricks?

[ALL GASP]

LEON: f*ck' bang!

[QUIRKY SYNTH MUSIC]

DANIELS: Let me
get this straight.

We've been
investigating the m*rder

of someone who isn't even dead.

Well, we, uh... we're

still waiting for
Forensics and DNA testing.

- And while we were waiting...
- Then you wait.

Yep.

You know that sh*t
takes weeks up here.

You've made a huge assumption

without the facts.

The facts... were, sir, that

a missing man's body was found
in that missing man's ute.

So...

Except it wasn't that
dickhead, was it?

And then you go and arrest
that American for it.

I mean, you have
left us wide open!

[DANIELS SIGHS]

- You're gonna fix this.
- Yep. I am.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Or you can forget
about that promotion.

Or I'll see to it that
you're shovelling sh*t

at the horse cops for
the rest of your career.

Get out of my sight.

Yep.

Oh, now. I'm going.

[DANIELS MUTTERS] Jesus Christ.

GERALDINE: Sorry.

[TENSE MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS]

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Why am I here?

What's goin' on?

You are now the suspect
in a m*rder investigation.

And if you don't start
telling me the truth,

I will have to assume
that you are responsible,

and I will do everything
in my power to prove it.

Now, a dead man was found
in your burnt-out ute

and I wanna know who he is.

[LAUGHS]

You are... jokin', aren't ya?

Do I f*ck' look
like I'm jokin'?

Nah.

Where the hell have you been?

If I'm honest.

I think I was somewhere
in the Andromeda galaxy.

[GRUNTS]

[ANDY SIGHS]

Andy waits anxiously
in the police station.

He hasn't had a chance
to speak to his father.

What will his first words be?

Andy appreciates the help,
but he just saw his dad

for the first time
in decades last night

and the as*h*le pretended
like he didn't even exist,

so maybe Andy is
not in the mood for

your little poddo-whacker, or
whatever you people call them.

We actually just
call it a podcast.

Also

my friend is dead.

Are you sure you don't
want a lift back to Bidgee?

I mean, Hugo might
be here for a while.

No. I'm not letting
him out of my sight.

OK.

Fine.

I think I just got my period.

I'm just gonna... I'll be a sec.

You don't have to
narrate everything.

- MAN: I found it.
- MAN 2: I saw it first.

RORY: They're fighting
over some cash

they say washed
up near the port.

- Smithy's checking it out.
- Yeah, righto.

[DOOR OPENS]

Alright, I see. OK.

But this is off the record.

Ahh!

I'm not a f*ck'
reporter, you idiot.

I'm the law!

- Speak!
- Alright. Alright.

OK.

Fine. Mate, you were right.

I was not, in fact, in space.

I was... in Darwin.

At the... the Breezy Nut Motel.

- What room?
- I was in room 308.

And, um... you
can check on that.

I... I hired two adult
movies there on my bill.

'Forrest Hump' and 'Fist Club'.

[CHUCKLES] Not that good,
though. Three stars.

I also frequented

the Handy Helpers massage
parlour next door.

You can check with
the lovely ladies

who own that fine establishment.

It's the beautiful Monique

and the voluptuous Ava.

Or was it Eva? Eva?

What was that whole alien
abduction bullshit story about?

What was that?

It was supposed to be

a publicity stunt
for my UFO tours.

GERALDINE: f*ck me dead.

Look, business has not
been goin' so good.

So I thought I'd give
it a little PR push

if I, like, vanished.

I don't know what
I was thinkin'.

I mean, f*ck' UFO tours.

It's a dud.

It was Noel's idea.

From the start, I should
never have stolen it off him.

f*ck' Noel.

You saw the tape.

What tape?

HUGO: I made a tape.

I thought someone
would report me missin'

and then they'd find the tape,
they'd leak it to the papers

and then a whole horde of people
would come and do my UFO tours.

But no-one's even
f*ck' heard of it!

And now my ute's
burnt to a crisp.

That... shitbox was the
nicest thing I ever owned.

Did someone really die in it?

Mmm.

[TENSE MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

GERALDINE: Right. Just
get me the sign-out sheet.

What are you doin' here?

Giving you a ride home.

Whoa, wow, thanks.

I appreciate it. The
bus'll be along soon.

[FIRMLY] I... am giving you

a ride.

Soon as I get my
car back, please.

Your what?

The car you took in for evidence

when you thought that
I k*lled my father,

who is not dead.

Oh, right.

You'll get a phone
call when that's ready.

Meanwhile, we'll be
keeping a very close eye

on the both of you.

ANDY: But I...

I'm here now.

GERALDINE: Can't hear you.

Well, guess that plan's
gone out the window, huh?

ANDY: No.

It did not.

[SIGHS] Yeah, righto, you're
getting' a bit handsy.

- What's your rush?
- Hurry up and get in the car.

Buy me a drink first!

Hey, did you see
that guy I was with?

OFFICER: Just left.

[TYRES SQUEAL]

You dickhead!

[INTENSE MUSIC]

Why didn't you go when we
were back at the station?

You were rushin' me.

[ANDY SIGHS]

Oh, that Geraldine's
a force of nature.

Huh!

I'm glad to be outta there.

Although I did
just get back from

a pretty little hotel in Darwin.

ANDY: Knew it.

- Had a lovely pool.
- I don't care.

Mate, if I will allow
myself one complaint,

the minibar fridge, 'twas empty.

I mean, whatever happened to
those little bottles of booze

they used to have?

Remember? And the
baby chocolate bars.

And the nuts

and the fizzy drinks and the...

[SHOUTS] Just tell me already!

What? What?

Where is the money?

Can I just...
commence my piss first

before we get into
the heavy sh*t?

Why is it taking so long?

I can't go when
you're watchin' me.

[SIGHS]

Oh, my God. Hugo, how long
could it possibly take...

Hey! as*h*le!

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

Hey!

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[SIGHS]

Hugo!

[CROW CAWS]

Hey!

Dad!

Just stop, will you?

Stay back!

You don't think it
hasn't dawned on me

that you might be the bad apple

that k*lled that
bloke in my ute?

Me?!

Maybe you thought
it was me in there.

He's... I di...

- I'm your son!
- Oh, alright!

Don't need to keep
bangin' on about it.

[SIGHS]

Just tell me where the money is.

This is what you wanna talk
about, the money, is it?

You come all this way
after all this time

and you wanna know...

[SCREAMS] Yes! Where is it?!

Alright, then.

I'll tell you.

- But I will preface...
- Don't preface.

No, I will make a
preface, right? It's this.

It's that I have no idea why
you wanna talk about this now.

And I will make
a second preface.

No more prefaces! It's
too many prefaces!

Second preface is this.

It wasn't my fault.

Hindsight is 20/20, OK?

If I'd have known back
then what I know now, etc.

Just... tell me.

Alright. Fine.

I invested it all in

what I thought was
gonna be a sure thing.

You invested it?

In what?

A magical tip-off from
someone in the know.

But then [CHUCKLES]

a typhoon came along and
destroyed the cherimoya farm.

I mean, how was I to predict a
freak weather event like that?

It was an act of God!

Your mother, she seemed
to understand at the time.

Well, more or less. And
I meant to pay her back.

I mean, honest. No, I did.

But, well, time does
funny things to a promise.

That's not the money
I'm talking about!

It's not?

I'm talking about

the quarter of a million dollars

that was in your bank
account that you found

and withdrew and
hid God knows where.

I don't have that kind of money.

Stop pretending.

You do not understand the
serious sh*t that we are in!

"We"?

Mate, you must be delusional.

Are you on medication
or somethin'?

OK. OK, fine, me.
Me. I'm in the sh*t.

If I don't find that
money, I'm dead.

Jeez, that don't sound too good.

No! It don't.

Mate,

I don't know what to tell ya.

I mean, honest, I
don't have your money.

I mean, why would I?

I haven't seen ya in over


Just don't make any sense.

Please, son! Please.

I am tellin' you the truth.

Hmm?

[SCREAMS]

[SIGHS]

Can't be that bad.

[PANTS]

- Hey, where you goin'?
- Back to the car.

Nah, the car's this way.

Hang on.

[SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey!

You're not going to
Bidgeegud, by any chance?

- We're not a taxi service.
- I know!

But I was wanting to interview
Sergeant Geraldine Walters

for my podcast, but I could

interview you instead
if you give me a lift.

[STAMMERS] Me? No,
I'm busy, I've...

Oh, but it's the best way to
tell your side of the story.

Look, Sergeant Walters actually
warned me about talking to you.

She did?

Yeah, and I'm sure
she had good reason.

[HUGO CHUCKLES]

Right, so... Alright, then,
let me get this straight.

You stole my identity

for the purposes
of money launderin'

and yet you're angry at me.

ANDY: I don't know where the
money's from or what it's for.

I just move it for them.

HUGO: I'm really surprised
at how you turned out.

I'm more than disappointed
in your mother.

She didn't do a good
job raisin' you.

ANDY: I'm warning you.

Hey, how is the old girl anyway?

She still swingin' her
hips when she walks?

She's dead.

She died last year.

I reached out to her.

I didn't hear back.

Oh! That's right.

Yeah, the one lousy 'wish you
were here' postcard you sent.

Yeah, she got that. Thank you.

I can see that you're determined

not to even begin to
understand my position.

[SCOFFS]

Your mother was the only woman

who ever understood me.

That was the problem.

She was too good for
me and we both knew it.

Can I ask, though
- did she, uh...

- I mean, well, did you...
- What?

What is it?

What would you like to know

after all of these
years of zero interest?

Was it a burial or a cremation?

Cremation.

And what'd you do
with the ashes?

I put... They're...

I haven't decided what
to do with them yet.

[MIMICS STAMMERING]
What do you mean?

I mean they're in
storage, if you must know.

I haven't figured out
where to... sprinkle them.

Oh, Andrew!

- [SCOFFS]
- That is terrible.

You can't leave your mother
sittin' on some dusty shelf

in a storage container!

You shut the f*ck up!

As if you have a
single leg to stand on!

I don't wanna hear another
word out of your f*cking mouth.

I am not joking.

[ANDY SIGHS]

[SCOFFS] Where...

Where in God's name are we?

- Hello?
- Hmm?

Oh, really? You're allowin'
me to talk now, are you?

Yes! Yes, you're
allowed to talk.

Where the f*ck are we?

I have no idea.

[TROUBLING MUSIC]

CASSIE: So what's it like
working for Sergeant Walters?

Turn that off.

Pretty embarrassing
how she arrested Andy

for his dad's m*rder and
turns out he wasn't even dead.

OK, Sergeant Walters
made a bold call, OK,

and I respect that.

Sergeant Walters is the
smartest person I've ever met.

And I've met people with
multiple degrees, OK?

- OK.
- She's... vivacious.

Vivacious?

Exciting. Inspiring.

As a cop, I mean.

And look, guess who just found a
cattle truck that went missing?

Sergeant Walters.

- So put that in your podcast.
- Thanks. I will.

That's actually classified, so
you're gonna have to delete...

Do you think it's related to
the body found in the ute?

A missing truck might have
a missing driver, right?

Has a missing driver
been reported?

If I give you a lift, are you
gonna stop asking questions?

You got any gum?

Nope.

I'd k*ll for a Mintie.

Whatever that is.

Wonder what your
smile looks like.

Can I see it?

You always in this
sh*t of a mood?

You have any disorders

like anxiety or anythin'?

How do you sleep?

OK, can... can you just stop

feigning interest in me?

This feeble attempt at
making up for lost time is

boring.

I'm just genuinely
interested, that's all,

in what kind of genetic
trail I've left behind.

Aren't you curious?

You know what?

I was curious from, uh,
about age 10 to maybe 20.

That's a whole decade of

spending every day
trying to remember

what your face looked like.

Wondering where
you are, you know?

Trying to figure out

what is so horrible about me

that a father could
just... just walk away

and never come back.

But you know what I did?

I got over it.

So, no, I'm not curious anymore.

I was presumed dead.

[ANDY SIGHS]

HUGO: Everyone in the
town thought I was dead.

Did they mourn me?

Did they miss me?

Do I matter?

You know, when I was yakkin' on
about my alien abduction story,

well, I was lookin' at the
dead eyes of the townsfolk

and I thought, "These people
don't deserve my stories."

Who are these c**ts really?

Why have I spent so
many years with them?

You know that feelin' when you
don't really belong anywhere?

So... I'm just wonderin'.

Is that somethin'
also in our blood?

Do you feel that too?

- One more question.
- I said no more.

MAN OVER RADIO: Alert priority


All available
officers to report.

OK? That means everyone.

- Can I come?
- Hell, no!

I'll just sit in the car.

50 bucks says this new
body's the missing truckie.

Eh? Anyone game?

- I knew it!
- OK, this is serious work, OK?

OK. Yeah, fine. Great.

I'll just go home and
file my report about

inter-office romance
between you and your boss.

How did you know about that?

I didn't. You just confirmed it.

Is it romance or more physical?

I mean, the power imbalance
won't look good for her

and even though you're a guy,

sexual harassment's still
frowned upon, isn't it?

[WHISPERS] OK, I just...

sh*t.

HUGO: You know, you're right.

Hmm? Maybe we shouldn't talk.

Because I'm offerin' pearls
of fatherly wisdom here

and all you're
interested in is money.

OK, you know what? Let's talk.

Why were you never interested
in what became of Mom and me?

I almost googled you once.

Almost? Once.

f*ck' Father of
the Year over here.

I meant to come back, honestly.

I did. I just got sidetracked.

Sidetracked?!

Yeah, and you know
the weird thing?

Oh, that wasn't the weird thing?

I had this epiphany

that you and your mother
were also a sidetrack,

that everything that I had done

was me bein' sidetracked from
what I was supposed to be doin'.

And what might that be exactly?

Still haven't
worked that out yet.

OK, so to summarise,

Mom and I were a regrettable
detour on the aimless journey

of your miserable life?

Oh, Andrew, don't be so cynical.

It's not as if I dropped you off

in a little basket at an
orphanage or whatever.

- You were all grown up.
- I was nine!

- In the animal kingdom...
- Nope.

Some birds leave their
young after a few weeks.

I'm not an animal!

I trusted you to thrive
on your animal instincts.

God, can't you be grateful

that I showed that
kind of faith in you?

[SCREAMS] Oh, my God! I
can't listen to this anymore!

Alright. But why did you
never track me down, huh?

You don't see me
gettin' annoyed, do ya?

What, I'm not
worth trackin' down

unless you need somethin', yeah?

God, kids! Ugh! What leeches.

What did you just call me?

What?

Am I wrong? Where's the lie?

- Take it back.
- Nah.

Take it... BACK!

- No!
- Take it back!

No way!

Will you stop bloody chasin' me?

Would you... Cut it out!

This is bloody stupid!

We...

We need to be conservin'
our energy, right?

People die out
here all the time.

Good!

We deserve it.

The car.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

What?

[HUGO CHUCKLES]

Ohh! Mwah!

Ohh! [CHUCKLES]

[ANDY STARTS ENGINE]

I've been asked to
wait in the car,

but I need to take
a closer look.

I can see...

OFFICER: Forensics just gave us.

CASSIE: Police officers
standing around

what appears to be a body.

[DARK MUSIC]

sh*t.

It's Gareth.

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

[HUGO SIGHS]

- Home, sweet home, I guess.
- [PHONE CHIMES]

Holy sh*t.

What's that? What's goin' on?

Just got a text
from my friend Dom.

That's nice!

Yeah.

Except he's dead.

['CURRENCY' BY THE BLACK ANGELS]

♪ Currency, carry me

♪ Everyone is held hostage

♪ Currency means nothing

♪ How are they to spend us next?

♪ Do you want a stake in us? ♪