06x12 - The Reserve Program

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to my story about a man

named Jed or a mountaineer barely kept

his family's head and then one day he

was sh**ting at some food and up to the

ground comma bubble and crude oil that

is black gold Texas Tea well the first

thing you know old Jeb's a millionaire

the Kim folk said jet move away from

there said California is a place you

ought to be sold and loaded up the truck

in the mood to Beverly Hills that is

swimming pools movie stars The Beverly

Hillbillies

[Music]

oh boy this week's episode of super bank

is really terrific hey look at this

Chief I am trying to drive and besides

we're already late for Jethro's farewell

breakfast

about breakfast he's not going into the

Army Reserve today he's only going for

an interview and a qualification test I

know but the Clampetts think he's going

and besides we have already kept them

waiting because you had to stop and buy

to those stupid comic books super Banker

is not a stupid comic book it's the

thrilling Adventures of Harold Hart in

everyday life

this is inspirational literature

come now A Bank president who sneaks

into his vault and comes out as money

man

yes money man

a patriot that fights for the things

that make this country what it is

baseball Mom's Apple Pie hot dogs second

mortgages hidden interest charges

in this week's episode he's headed for

France to stop the gold ring any Bank

president who comes out of his vault

looking like money is headed for South

America

are coming dangerously close to

seditious slander money man is a

national hero only to you to everybody

else he is an odious imbecilic nickel

nursing not that doesn't I'll pull over

and stop this car what

what I am making a citizen's arrest

you bet I am charging you with high

treason we're going to the FBI office in

the Federal Building

we are going to Jethro's farewell

breakfast in the fancy Eating Room

when we gonna give Jethro his presence

make our speeches Paul

don't take the boy long to eat maybe

we'd best commence right now

[Music]

yes room

I know how you must feel this morning

leaving home for the first time as

modest solemn occasion

and I reckon your heart is full and

there is a lump in your throat

he's very proud of you and we know you

must be proud too

proud and happy at this chance to serve

the country that has been so good to all

of us

you have heard your country's call to

duty and this is your answer

beautiful

well I reckon that's enough talk and

I'll show you how I feel

sh**ting I said my

head I'm gonna sh**t him Granny I just

want to give him a squirrel g*n

you throw them

my paw give this g*n to me and is Paul

given to him

I think it's only fitting that I pass it

along too

boy

Soldier

Uncle Jen you going hunting I'm just

making you a going away prison of this

r*fle well thank you I know the army

sets a great story by sharpsh**ter

no Nelly Here can bark a squirrel

all right granny you give it a try

Mr President

members of Congress

fellow delegates honored guests

distinguished visitor

what's wrong with her she's been reading

speeches all week I think Thomas

Jefferson expressed the emotions of all

of us when he said

roll in flower salt to taste fry and

Deepak

Bring It On granny

that's my directions for frying chicken

keep going granny you're the first one

to get his attention

I would like to say a few words about my

presence

I want you to wear this uniform with

pride and Valor

like my granddaddy wore it in the Great

w*r

ready that's a Confederate uniform you

bet it is and this is the sword he used

to defend our country

when the north invaded America

I'll slip out and answer the door

it's decorated on the field of battle

following our great victory at

Gettysburg

this better would give to him I

generally

after the final Yankee defeat at

Appomattox granny the Yankees wasn't

defeated it was a South

what did you say I keep telling you

Granny the north one General Grant what

General Lee well hi folks come here oh

Mr Clement I'm so sorry we're late for

Jethro's farewell breakfast oh that's

all right I know you got a lot of

important things to tend to important

things we stopped to pick up the latest

edition of super Banker comic book don't

blame her too much he's really hooked on

it he's every woman's hero of all the

medicated that's all right Mr you're

just in time to hear Granny's farewell

speech and Jethro get away

[Applause]

[Music]

she must have made a very moving speech

I ain't seen the boy move that fast in a

long time what was Jethro carrying his

breakfast he ain't one let's save in his

life standing away

hello

I didn't have a chance to get just throw

my present well we'll get to that you're

going to fancy eating room I'll go fetch

back to this guest of honor and the

Speaker of the House what are you giving

him Ellie well I made him a whole box of

ladyfingers he likes to snack between

bites you mean between meals not Jethro

here's my little going away present

Soldier Boy Something to decorate your

bags thanks Miss Jane oh what is it it's

a not a picture of me he's not while

we're eating

wow a dog see

boy Miss Jane in a bathing suit you're a

different woman how true how true

oh here's my present Jethro now I know

you have an appointment down at Reserve

headquarters so I won't make any

speeches hey will you look at this

what is it Mr Drysdale that my boy is a

money man piggy bank

you see he has a hole in his head how

true how true

I'll show you how it works when you drop

in the

[Music]

thanks Ellie wait what is it well I

wouldn't say I made it myself

hey Uncle Jim when you look at this

Ellie made me b*ll*ts for your r*fles

don't stand there Miss Hathaway gotta

bring him back he used to do your

boyfriend got his picture never mind

that my time is still in that bank

[Music]

make your country proud of you boy

remember you're a Tennessee volunteer

come on Ellie let's get the flag and the

rest of the stuff yes we've been ripping

up petticoats to make bandages

Uncle Jim I can't show up at the Army

Reserve looking like this what are they

gonna think

well I'll tell you one thing

you ain't gonna be just another face in

the crowd

put you in every day they get a boy in a

Confederate uniform tote and a squirrel

r*fle that shoots ladyfinger

tell me a word to please a sweet

sentimental little gray-haired granny

you would break your leg if you didn't

can't you convince her that the Civil

w*r is Over and that the South lost oh I

can't I ain't going to try at my age you

broke leg don't mend too fast

[Music]

sir

[Music]

I hope you won't go to laughing at the

uniform right off

ah looks great to me but this is a

Confederate uniform yeah I know

sit down I'll tell the colonel you're

here

[Music]

excuse me Colonel the studios started to

send over those Civil w*r soldiers we're

supposed to come in till after lunch no

the first boys here they'll probably be

straggling in all day all right said him

in sir

are you going to be casting any southern

belles I'm not casting I'm just the

technical advisor why couldn't you be an

expert on bikinis instead of civil w*r

uniforms send the boy and Sergeant for

your information It's Not Just Uniforms

it's all equipment

sir you ought to go down to the beach

sometime there's some mighty fine

equipment running around send the boy in

step brought in here stone wall

turn around

excellent very authentic Tennessee

Volunteers well how'd you know that's my

job let me see the g*n

oh I can't let you use this why not too

good too modern okay you can go now

you're in in the Army that's correct I'm

gonna fight you sure are you're gonna

get lit but not until you put up a real

scrap well excuse me sir but who am I

going to be fighting the Union Army

where Culpepper Plantation you rebels

will be dug in and Grant's troops will

surround the place where's the Culpepper

Plantation somewhere up in Beverly Hills

you'll be taken there we don't want the

public to know where the sh**ting's

going to be

you mean it's going to be the Civil w*r

all over again it better be that's what

I'm being paid for when's all is going

to commence Monday morning didn't they

tell you anything well you'll find out

soon enough I've said too much already

can I take my g*n I told you no with

g*ns like that the South would win the

w*r they hired me some mistakes like

that won't happen see you Monday

[Music]

well it's lonesome without Jethro I

don't want to talk about a Melly going

off to w*r without his country's Banner

yeah

yeah come back

first hurting him more likely his

stomach is hurting him he ain't hit in

two hours

let's see right to the ice box ready I

got news for you they're your head in

the presence of the Grand Old Flag I'm

sorry say hi coming home from the

reserve so quick because I found out who

these reserves for the Yankees what the

north is going to come in spotting again

no yep I heard the whole scheme down at

headquarters you mean they didn't learn

their lesson at Gettysburg and

Appomattox all I know is these fiction

to attack the first thing Monday morning

right here in Beverly Hills a place

called a Culpepper's Plantation well

where's that well they wouldn't tell me

said they didn't want the people to know

where the sh**ting was going to be

things Damn Yankees made it with what

granny for years they've been muttering

the north will rise again

[Music]

time we'll nip their rebellion in the

bundle where's your g*n they took it

away from me what they said it was too

good said the South could win with g*ns

locked out why them dirty Steve and

Yankee

let's get the pawn go down there and

wolf yeah let's go granny no no

no youngins it might be a trap now it's

for jib he's got a blind spot when it

comes to the Yankees he always says

let's sleep in dog's life well they've

lied for the last time what are we gonna

do granny

first we gotta get some information

where the plantation is and the Yankee

plan a battle well how we gonna get it

granny did you ever hear a bell Boyd the

beautiful Confederate spy no ma'am well

she proved that a pretty face and a

stunning figure could always loosen them

Yankees tongues you know what I mean yes

ma'am well good you stay here and finish

the dishes some Jethro will drive me

down

[Music]

ready to go granny okay no go change

your clothes if they see me Consulting

with a Confederate they'll know I'm a

spy

it beats me how the South won with boys

like that

[Music]

boy granny you're something else you

ain't just Whistling Dixie

one look at my leg

[Music]

granny I'm all done with my dishes can I

please come along no honey in the

dangerous game of toying with a man's

emotions there's no substitute for

experience and I need all I can get

it's been a long time

couldn't I just watch and see how you

vamping fella

on one condition what's that the tricks

I learn you can drive a man's dark Raven

man

got a promise to only use them in the

defense of your country I promise all

right well why let's go put on a dress I

want Mom to think I was a boy

teach me how the South one with girls

like that

okay fellas you want to step inside

please

Sergeant have you been to lunch no sir

will you go ahead I'll manage thank you

sir

[Music]

very good

excellent

can you ride yes sir I've done some

Cowboy Parts oh hey that's something I

wanted to ask about the script calls for

me to ride do I have to Well you

certainly can't go charging up the

Culpepper Plantation in a jeep well what

about the buggy

looks like I'm going to be spending some

time with General Grant do you mind

sitting in for the sergeant not at all

thank you I'm expecting some more people

any Southern Bells dozens of them you

and Sergeant O'Hara here take this with

you

I'm a holder General

you'd better get used to smoking these

cigars they gave you

cigars make me dizzy you don't smoke

cigars and you don't ride do you drink

only very dry martinis

will you tell me something who cast you

for this part cousin Abe you're the

producer's cousin that's right well I am

being paid to come up with a reasonable

facsimile of General Grant and his men

so between now and Monday morning you're

going to smoke a lot of cigars and ride

a lot of horses

Colonel yes sir I've been riding all my

life

who cast you my revered father-in-law

sir you're married to Abe's daughter I

have that great honor

you know the South may win this time

[Music]

[Music]

Jennifer was right it's a Yankee Soldier

I do you hang back and watch I'll soften

him up

hello there Soldier Boy

I'm sorry I didn't hear you come in

that's the way I work Sonny uh if you're

here to see uh Colonel Blake uh it'll be

a few minutes he's inside talking to

General Grant and his men green yeah

they're getting ready for the big battle

on Monday

say haven't I seen you uh at Columbia no

she's never been to Columbia Tennessee

in her whole life Columbia Tennessee

well how do you do howdy that's Boston

talk she lives on Bacon Hill

I saw a Sony pop machine down in the

hall why don't you two Yankees go down

there and have a drink would you answer

the telephone oh sure I will if the

colonel asks for me you tell them I'll

be right back

take your time sunny

Leone he could live this long especially

the way he hit the bottle

foreign

I'm so dizzy I'll never be able to get

on that horse

Tim

I'll concentrate on this map

here's the Culpepper Plantation I don't

know how to read a map besides I can

hardly stand up

that's how we lost Richmond

now the first attack on the Confederate

Position will come at dawn on Monday

dung I'm having a party Sunday night I

can lead the attack sir I make a dashing

figure on a horse there's some Colonel

Shetland without accent of yours we're

going to put you in a Confederate

uniform

a bunch of Yankees still fat and dirty

why can't we have you attack Tuesday

morning because my orders are Monday

well I'm going to get in touch with Abe

oh you're back come on Ellie when can I

see you again after the w*r thank you

again

ready where you been where'd you get my

g*n General Grant's headquarters one

General Ulysses S Grant is alive and

planning to attack the Culpepper's

Plantation that's gone on Monday

I think you've had enough of that don't

knock it yet you ought to see what it's

done for granted

where are you going I am going to warn

the culpeppers and greens is coming

you'd have to be pretty near 150 years

old there's the wildest thing I ever

heard that ain't nothing waiting to hear

who else is alive old Abe yourself

[Music]

thank you

well now it's time to say goodbye to

Jaden all his kin they would like to

thank you folks for kindly dropping in

you're all invited back next week to

this locality to have a heaping helping

of their Hospitality

hillbilly that is Sarah's Bell take your

shoes off y'all come back now here

this has been a film waste presentation

Viacom

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