08x01 - Back to the Hills

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to him a story about a

man named Jed a poor Mountaineer barely

kept his family fed and then one day he

was sh**ting at some food and up to the

ground from a bubbling crude oil that is

black gold Texas Tea well the first

thing you know old gems a millionaire

looking folks said can't move away from

there said California is a place you

ought to be sold and loaded up the truck

in the mood to Beverly Hills that is

swimming pools movie stars The Beverly

Hillbillies

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thank you

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if you wish to tell me that Jethro had a

mountain lion I'll tell you a truth I

sent that girl to the root seller and

when he didn't come back I went to see

what was keeping him and there stood a

great big mountain life licking his

chops he had my baby boy right up from

under his head

checked on

mountain lions don't eat trucks they use

residers I know that but I figured if

the truck was gone that might tell us

what happened to Jethro I told you what

happened he was hit by a mountain in The

Root Cellar Now You're Gonna Get Your

g*n and sh**t him before he eats the

rest of the family

it's kind of dark in that Root Cellar

what you've seen might not have been a

mountain lion at all I tell you I've

seen them there's a wild varmint in The

Root Cellar we've been out here in

Beverly Hills for going on to eight

years now on the wildest thing we've

seen yet is that movie star lived down

the street which one the one with the

long blonde hair wears them wild clothes

and jewelry works for the wiggle you

know the fella

I tell you there's a mountain lion in my

room teller now are you gonna sh**t him

or do I have to quick as I have this

cereal I'll take a look I'll give you a

sit there eat some cereal in a time like

this

It Ain't Easy

fireman's eating your kin folks and

where's Ellie maybe the mountain lion

had hurt too I sent Ellie out to get the

morning mail now will you sit down and

get a hold of yourself

oh finally now run Hector Paul's g*n

he's going to sh**t that mountain lion

in The Root Cellar giant gonna sh**t her

Herman

well I got him yesterday at the animal

farm he's my new pet some pet he asked

your cousin Jack row anyone wouldn't do

that well he did in your paws fixing to

sh**t him

looks like the only thing I ain't gonna

do for sure is eat this cereal

give it to Herman

come get you back first

in here hey I know man eating face

granny I think Egypt just time as a

kitten you'll get that reaches k*ller

Out of My Kitchen

come on Herman with this

is he dead

I told you I've seen a man eating Beast

yep now if you'll fetch me another Bowl

you'll see a man eating cereal

looks like somebody has sent us the

latest copy of the Silver Dollar City

news

what was it

don't say it

well doggy guess he's getting married oh

Verna Bradshaw's daughter

are you telling me that the homeliest

girl in The Hills has got herself a

fella seems that way I don't believe

read it for yourself

here it is in black and white yep El

verna's daughter

is getting married yep

I don't

read it screw granny

you realize what this means

rated means I ain't gonna eat this

cereal

right away why because Big Mouth

franchise two days younger than Ellie

and if she gets married before your

daughter you're gonna be disgraced no I

won't well think of Ellie she'll die of

Shame oh it won't bother Ellie come out

Jethro why he's a boy with a lot of

Pride he's liable to leave hope as long

as we got fiddles here

no joking matter we've got to take Ellie

back to the hills and get her married by

the way there's no time to lose why the

hell because that's where the men of the

matter

could we talk about this after I have my

breakfast I'm powerful hungry no chance

we've got to settle this matter right

now there's no time to lose

well all right you go next door and ask

Mr drives there would he keep an eye on

a place if we go back good idea

ready I'm about to build

oh thank you Uncle Jen

where you been through been to college

huh for you

how long you been going we shared my

first day

see I fell in with this your college

crowd they made me realize how much I've

been missing

you tell oh yeah even though I graduated

in sixth grade there's still more I can

learn

I'm proud of you boy thanks Uncle Jim

it's fun too real nice bunch of films

and talk about smart

even fellas unmarried

all of them as far as I know

you reckon you could fetch on one of

them College fellas introduce them to

your cousin Ellie touch them a whole

bunch of them since you can take her

pick

well I'll be just Sandy

oh look at that just enough cereal left

for one more Bowl

ain't nothing like a bowl of cereal

he doesn't like it as far as I'm

concerned

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hey Melvin Drysdale here yes

what's the gold market doing there in

London today

uh-huh

all right buy me five million in bullion

right now listen Chauncey tell analysis

I'm prepared to invest 50 million in

that free shipping fee and uh tell that

Dutch oil Syndicate I'm ready with a 30

million they need

right

get back to me at the office

okay

okay

yes come in

excuse me Chiefs Rowdy's here and she'd

like to ask you a favor what is it well

they're going on a trip and they'd like

you to keep an eye on the house and take

care of all these Critters

the answer is no I am a bank president

not a caretaker an international

affinity and not a zookeeper and

Granny's going to be told that right now

go tell it me well why don't you tell

her

Miss Hathaway I just told you I am an

international financier

I just invested 85 million dollars by

long distance telephone and I can't

afford to argue with those hillbillies

why not because it's their 85 million

morning Mr Drysdale Miss Jane tell you

the news so you're going on a little

trip uh Palm Springs Lake Arrowhead no

we're going to God's country

Fort Knox

no we're going back home to the Hills

what for to give Ellie Mae a husband

granny there's plenty of eligible men

right here now don't start that again

you've been yelling Suey for the last

seven years and you ain't got a hog to

the truck yet

we'll be leaving as soon as the truck is

loaded so you fetch our money over to it

all of it well Ellie's got to have a

dowry Ronnie you don't want to go back

the hill for 85 million dollars

it's better than nothing

did you realize if they take their money

out of my bank I'm ruined we'll think of

a plan then maybe maybe no time to think

of our plan

this caused by action

now

what do you want to do I'm going to stab

all four of them no let go of me they're

not driving back to the hills come to

your senses you can't use that in the

carpets I know Nintendo I'm gonna

puncture the tires on that truck dude

it'll take three weeks to get new ones

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here granny

are you still eating cereal it looks

like it make that your last bowl then

let's get past and loaded and on the

road

great we might not have to go back to

the hill what you mean well Jeff Drew is

bitching over a whole cubby of nice

young college fellas for Ellie to look

over

she did

you have been beaten these Beverly Hills

bushes for seven years

what have you got to show her it a bunch

of beat up bushes

Old Maid daughter

I think we ought to keep an open mind

about this come on

chat let's pack up and get back to the

hills at least let Ellie meet the boys

you might cut into one of them

right I've gotta completely open mind

about it of course let's have Ellie Mae

meet the college boys good and as quick

as she's met him left head for the hill

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moving place

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laughs

he's a college student yeah sure missed

him right off the campus

oh

this here is Mitch he'd been to 12

colleges ah it's a daily record what all

did you study

study they don't study

they protests what they protest

everything you name it they protested

they March up and down in front of the

college holding five

well uh how about you ain't you learning

nothing

oh yeah I'm carrying three subjects oh

good good dude what are they down with

the dean down with the faculty

you walk around carrying signs too huh

but don't you go inside at all

tie him up

why are you going to do that because I'm

part of the academic Revolution I'm

fighting for intellectual Freedom I'm

throwing off the shackles of the

economic power structure and putting

down you corporate entities and

conglomerates I have done solved my

identity problems I know where I'm going

and who I am I'm free to make up my own

mind and do my own thing

and what is that

they ain't told me yet

I got a couple of things to tell you

yeah granny

young college students you were bragging

on here yet

uh stay where you are I'll be right

there

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man is that the chick you would tell me

about oh yeah that's my cousin Nelly

hi Ellie I'd like to meet these three

guys

two guys

I'm a girl

really yeah

you want to swing

let's split

a meaningful relationship

hey would you like to go to college

well yes sir I reckon so come on if we

are we can get there in time for the 12

o'clock cafeteria break really yeah 12

o'clock we're gonna break the cafeteria

for me I'll help you break it but let's

see first

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oh granny you're still here

oh I'm so happy to see you I love you

she was afraid you'd gone back to the

hills to find the family Beauty a

husband

I ain't looking for no husband

we're wanting to find a husband first

did you fetch over the month

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you see

the bank is closed when you better come

into the kitchen and explain that

suggestion

see if the bank is not closed if they

withdraw 85 million it will be

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not another bowl of cereal

that's right

not another bowl of cereal

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all right Herman come and get it

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I'll miss clavic

what's this ugly rumor about you're

going back to the Hills well I wouldn't

exactly call it ugly and we've taken our

money with that's the ugly part

I mean it's a terrible risk involved you

might be held up and Rob you think so

well only this morning Miss Hathaway

disarmed A desperate man right here in

this neighborhood

really that threw him down took his

knife away from him as he was headed for

your house that's quite true

terrible man the moment his weapon was

gone he turned into a snively whimpering

occur you must be Plum Tucker Miss Jane

sit down well I I did work up a bit of

an appetite uh do you mind if I have a

bowl of cereal help yourself and uh lots

of luck

I'll get you a bowl machine I'm glad to

see somebody else getting some cereal it

has been stuffing himself all morning

let sadonna talk this over

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well I'm uh I'm pretty well set on going

back home Mr Dryden oh Mr clapping do

you want that beautiful sweet daughter

of yours to marry some Barefoot ragged's

lovingly unwashed clawed

no sir that's the reason I want to go

home I want to get her away from them

college boys

yes ma'am yesterday was going to college

and he fetched on some boys to meet

Ellie but it wasn't a keeper in a bunch

I didn't think Jethro could qualify for

college oh yeah he can March and protest

with the best of them here's them signs

iron anybody Mr Clampett please stay

here there's no guarantee that you'll

find a husband for Ellie back in the

Hills

if Big Mouth Bradshaw can get a man

Ellie can get a dozen of them I kind of

think we ought to give it a try

this mighty fine boys back around uh bug

tussle Silver Dollar City

besides we loathsome for the hills

mighty pretty back there this time of

the year leaves turning well it'll come

back right away won't you I kind of like

to do a little trout Fisher with old Jim

Owen he knows where them big Rascals

hide out and you can go hunting and get

me a base of wild turkeys for

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving the best Hunt is right

after the first snowfall oh Jen let's

stay for a white Christmas Christmas

my favorite time of year back home is

when the Dogwood blooms in the spring

spring it's hard to beat summer in them

cool Woods

makes a whole year that's right time

sure flies in the hill yeah a year with

only Jesus let's just stay there

I'm a college girl now

where have you been

been in a protest March out to college

don't draft me where did you get that

well I didn't have a sign to carry so I

took this away from myself what happened

to your pretty dress well I tried it for

these groovy threads and I got to Camp a

slop shop

I think she means Swap Shop come with me

where are we going back home to the

hills you are gonna beat big mouth

Bradshaw to the altar

Hey Soul cousin did Ellie tell you about

to raid on a College cafeteria wipe them

out ain't got a bit of food left that

sounds like a mob how many were there

just me the dead baby that college life

is a gas I mean that's where it's

happening

don't sound like you're happening to

learn much not true old-timer we've

learned in the three R's Ryan Raiden and

ransacking

well can't just don't dig so far out as

pitiful I mean come on dad like get with

it swing little pops lay some skin on me

you know

I might just do that

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bless his sweet old heart or just to A

Different Drummer

I ain't blaming you old folks it's the

generation gap but I gotta do what I

gotta do I I'm tuned in turned on and

toned up well

tune out turn off and pack up we're

going home

I ain't going back to the hills I'm a

college man I'm gonna stay right here

where I got intellectual Freedom you're

absolutely right Jethro you don't want

to be a College Dropout sure don't

college is fun there's lots of fellas

and lots of girls and quick as I can

learn to tell them apart it's going to

be a lot more fun

oh there you are boy let's get these

bags on the truck Ben are you hurrying

packed well if I put up some lunch for

the Rope I ain't going granny

what did you say I ain't going back to

the hills I want to stay right here and

pursue my education well gee where's

Jethro if when you don't drive the truck

they can't none of us go

not going back to the hills oh what a

shame because either way let's get the

clamp it's a hand get these bags

upstairs

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you've given us any thought

yes sir talk the whole thing over with

Mr drives there I'm gonna be a college

graduate just like him and hold out a

white collar job

is that so yes sir I don't need to work

with my hands plowing feels and busting

stumps I'm gonna use my head

you go along with this do you Mr dry

deer Mr Clampett honesty demands that I

reply in the affirmity

this fine boy has a great potential I am

proud of him I believe in him oh I only

wish I had a head of me just like him

you got him

what we're gonna leave this fine boy

great potential with you miss James

could you drive us to the airport and

get us on a plane to home yes I I guess

let's go

I didn't mean anything because there let

him go

or can I call you Dad nuts okay come on

nuts you can fix vittles for me and the

critters whilst we talk about my great

potential

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black hat black boots black belt bad

news for the bad guys Walker Texas

Ranger weeknights at six on the Hallmark

Channel tomorrow I'm taking kicks don't

miss Hallmark Channel's Matlock movie

marathon better be cool you're out of

your mind watch Matlock as he cracks the

case in a full day of k*ller Thrillers

whatever you do don't lie I hate that

the Matlock moving Marathon tomorrow

starting at one on the Hallmark Channel

don't come back now here