08x25 - Honest John Returns

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to a story about a man

named Jed a poor Mountaineer barely kept

his family's head and then one day he

was sh**ting at some food

all that is black gold Texas Tea well

the first thing you know old Jeb's a

millionaire the chemicals said can't

move away from there said California is

at least you ought to be solder loaded

up the truck in the moods of Beverly

Hills that is swimming pools movie stars

The Beverly Hillbillies

thank you

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

I'll tell him Ellie I seen him first

him first I seen him if one of you

please tell me I'll toss you first

[Music]

I'm here yeah he's about to tell me who

she just seen oh really the fell at

South Paul Central Park on his John Shea

doggy you mean that Honest John is right

here in Beverly Hills yes ma'am

the most exciting news of the whole year

and that lummox lays there half asleep

just seen honors John Schaffer

I seen him too I was driving the truck

did you stop and talk to him no he

couldn't believe it

you tell him Ellie no more tossing I

couldn't stop on the count of traffic

and by the time we drove around the

block he was gone

we've got to find him that's the truth

finest man I ever run into salt of the

earth he sure deserves that name Honest

John he told me Central Park Statue of

Liberty Staten Island Ferry Brooklyn

Bridge Empire State Building and the

Algonquin hotel off of ten thousand

dollars

that's what I call a real bargain then

he turned around and give you your money

back I'll never forget our leave taken

there in Central Park

what we're trying to say on this job is

that you're just about the nicest fellow

we ever met be proud to know you

I gotta get going well so long oh wait

here comes granny she'll want to tell

you goodbye

bye

dishonest John leaving yeah granny he's

got to go to Chicago oh I'm sorry

it's been so nice knowing you

take care of yourself young fella yeah

yeah I will swell well so long

God bless you son

what folks I got no use for this money I

mean what's a few thousand for somebody

like me I'm loaded well I got plenty

myself

give it to the Indians at the Algonquin

he's one of Nature's noblemen well least

wise we know he's here in Beverly Hills

I sure wish we knewed where

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

what do you want

I'm looking for flow shaper she moved to

Australia whoa it's me shifting

baby

[Music]

what's the matter the police got a tail

on you you're supposed to have it ah

gee it's good to see you again you

floozy

it's good to see you you lost

wedding ring scar

finally got a divorce oh well

I can't find you are you kidding me

divorce you

forever

I love you

love you where's the ring I hacked it

what'd you get sandbox

well it's a clear profit I stole it

we were such a great team what split us

up your mother

where is the old bat please honey

mother's gone

I'm sorry

it's okay she'll be out in six months

look honey uh

something I gotta tread in

I don't know how you're gonna take it

sounds serious it is

it's the toughest confession I ever had

to make and I

I know you're gonna hate me

I could never hate you

so you met a younger prettier girl

you're married her you're a bigamist so

what I forgive you no

you didn't marry the girl

that's even worse don't worry about it I

still love you that's not it

you've joined a mob gambling girls dope

Rockets everything relax you're still my

man that isn't it honey and what tell

baby

hello

gone straight

I've turned honest

you you dirty

now I want a divorce I'll just be glad

that mother isn't here she beats you to

a park I can't at least tell you how it

happened what turned me honest I don't

want to hear that kind of talk makes my

flesh crawl

please none of my friends and speak to

me since I've turned on us who can blame

them you are sick who knows baby and I

need help go to my head shrinker what

can we go to a hamstringer and say make

me a crook huh

yeah I guess you're right maybe I can

help you shake off this terrible hang up

oh no you can't hear I know you can

because you

you're so completely rotten

ham

[Music]

sure hope they find Honest John and

fetch him home to stay with us the honor

to have a man like that under our roof

he's a living Saint oh being forgot

about it they were rooms Hicks yogurts

pigeons to be plucked and millionaires

it was beautiful the perfect setup for

openness I sold them Central Park

ah you're kidding and collected the

money in cash right there in the park

[Music]

oh here's some Biggins in there what

oh

three

four

five and I still got me some walking

around money well what do you say we get

up and walk around

before I always threw my soul I'm half

of New York had to go in my pocket and

my plane ticket to Chicago so what

happened

they got to me how

well I've been so kind so sweet so

trusting Solana so sincere got that kind

of talk anyway

that's when I went wrong

honey

there's only one way to cure your

sickness you've got to find those

hillbillies and take them I'm no

matchroom float they're too honorable

too loving too warm to Tender generous

thrusting not again I'm gonna make you

wash your mouth out with soap

maybe I can con somebody else but it's

Gotta Be those hillbillies

as my father used to say if you fall off

a horse you got to get back on and ride

that same horse again

and he should know he was the greatest

jockey ever to throw a race

okay and

a minute they're here they live here in

Beverly Hills yeah great find them fool

him fleece him and forget him I'll do it

for you I'll lie I'll cheat I'll steal

I'll count them out of every penny they

got that's the way to talk champ you

know what I'll do I'll show him no mercy

I'll be cruel ruthless I'll leave him

starving invested I'll destroy them I'll

be an absolute Beast

foreign

[Music]

not yet but I see you're ready for him

well he always did admire my appearance

Jed couldn't get over how young I looked

he was well named Honest John

I just thought of an idea how we might

get in touch with him good remember what

close friends he was with the New York

police they met him at the airport and

took them to the station to visit

[Music]

we're giving you 24 hours how long Pals

call me anytime thanks for the list glad

to see you Mr Clampett uh what did

policeman mean

uh what did you hear

I don't know he said there was going to

give you 24 hours oh that yes what is

the ordinary New York closes probably at

9pm lights out

due to my influence I have persuaded the

police to leave the city open for 24

hours so that you may see it at night

we're at Broadway 42nd Street all the

famous star Affairs will be lit up just

for you

he sure kept his promise that night when

we flew out of New York I never seen so

many bright lights in my born days

that's our plan to locate him if he's

that friendly with the New York police

chances are he's got some friends in

uniform out here good thinking Jeff so

I'm going to call the station and ask

him have they seen Honest John Schaffer

your identical twins

now pleasure is mine dear friend ah how

often I thought of those wonderful times

we had together in New York you know I

still feel bad about you giving the

money back for all that real estate we

bought from you Todd forget it our

friendship friend sends me a money so

that may well be but I'd like you to

have

something wrong Jen

I lost my walking around money because

uh could this be it where did you get

that I found it outside on the stoop oh

is Jetro back

no no dear friend I meant the little

porch out front the doggies I must have

lost it when I was out there pumping my

grinder will you well here you are safe

and sound

anybody but Honest John would have kept

it that's a truth as a matter of fact

I'd like him to keep her I wouldn't

think of a dear friend well then by

rights Central Park and all them other

things still belongs to you well I'll

donate that to the city of New York so

that everyone may enjoy them free you

hear that Granny man's got a heart is

big is all Outdoors which reminds me

I bought you a little gift oh

she can't look beautiful earrings

you belong to my mother

she has paying you a great honor green

I'm afraid I'm gonna ball no no no no no

no no cheers this is a happy occasion a

joyous reunion you're right I'll go out

to the kitchen and put on some coffee

well Honest John what brings you to Los

Angeles I'm here to perform a service

for Humanity well that figures but uh

what is it that's the planet

what would you say is the greatest

problem facing the citizens of this

community well I'd have to say it was a

smog the

precisely why I'm here smart

you like it

oh no I have a plan to get rid of it

well that sure would be a great blessing

well I plan to drill an enormous shaft

through the San Bernardino Mountains and

stall a huge fan and draw the smog away

much likely to cost a heap of money yeah

I have pledged my wealth my sacred honor

to the completion of this humanitarian

project and if I know you you will haul

off and give the whole thing to the city

Los Angeles

well I plan to spread it around Los

Angeles will get the mountains Burbank

and Pasadena will get the giant fan

who's gonna get to share

glad you asked me

wouldn't you know that this blessed

saint of a man sitting here is the man

that's going to get rid of the smog for

us

and of course you're fortunate drill

that big hole through the mountain

ah the fan alone took all of my cash

resources but I'll raise more why don't

you let me chip in sir kids got better

than 90 million laying in the bank no no

no please I'll raise the money

I'll sell my w*r medals I know about

Peace Prize it's the last resort I could

always get twenty dollars a pint for my

blood

I can't let you do that on it John

please let Jed help you do hate the park

with my w*r medals

but you figure it'll cost to finish up

the job

15 20 million dollars uh just call Mr

George you'll have to write you out a

check for 20 million yeah

no chance why not well names must appear

on checks and people find out who their

benefactor is and a charity is only

beautiful and it's anonymous

Anonymous unknown that's why I'm

financing this entire project in cash

what I know from experience that Mr

dryer deal don't keep 20 million in cash

in his bank but uh I'll get you what

he's got no no please forget the last

questions you'll have to tell them what

it's for the secret will be out

the whole project will lose its charm

and Beauty I don't have to tell him

nothing it's my money

you do make it hard for me to say no I

won't take no for an answer you wait

right here I'll be back in a Flash with

the cash

[Music]

well here it is Mr clava this is all the

cars in the bank could be spared at this

time it's more than half a million

dollars thank you Miss Dean I reckon I

don't want to get it started what else

who's us sorry Mr dry Dale I just can't

tell you at least you can tell me what

you're going to do with it all right

then explain to you this is a secret

project

unless you tell me what it's for you're

not taking one penny of my money this is

Mr clavett's money he has a right to

withdraw it well he has been making tell

me what he's gonna do with it please

perhaps you could tell him just enough

to alleviate his suffering I'm afraid

he's having a cute withdrawal symptoms

hurricane Wouldn't Do no harm to see

that this money is going to be used for

drilling k*lling where

I believe I better see no more

Mr dry Dale you promised to keep it an

absolute Secret

by interest rates go

for him that is a sacred oath

all right it's a San Bernardino

Mountains and that's all I'm gonna see

foreign

coal is found all again call my real

estate broker as you start buying out

the San Bernardino Mountain

this Gene says it's better than a half

million in there of course I ain't

candidate who cares if we can't trust

one another where's the joy of Life

see Granny I told you I could b*mb him

with brain waves and ESP I'm here hi a

Jethro Jesus I'm good to shake your hand

again

I see you still have the grip of a

gorilla yeah but our brains ain't the

same

Ah that's all right Jethro

yours will do you must be on Friends

better and a half million dollars in

cash

you know what Honest John is gonna do

with it he's gonna commence get rid of

our smog hey that's great is that

wonderful there's only one way to put it

the man is a living saint

bless you honest John

and thank you for saving all the Little

Critters and birds

foreign

thank you for saving the youngins and

old folks who couldn't hardly breathe no

more

in the trees and the flowers are dying

air pollution they thank you too

well

well tell them they're welcome well I'll

be gone now get through

kept that money on the truck and take

Honest John wherever he wants to go yes

sir Uncle Jeff

too bad you can't move in and stay with

us it would be a joy and an honor well

next time maybe well

fantasy remember there is plenty more

money where that come from whenever you

need it

[Music]

hello Critters your bank on his job for

saving your life

[Music]

you're welcome you're welcome

let's get out of here Jethro

[Music]

a shaft through the mountains to blow

away the smog

that's beautiful

we're just there's the money oh I wish

you could have been there to see me

workflow I've never been better I told

you you could make a comeback Chad

where'd you stash the money

it was like taking candy away from my

baby register the candy

it's a classic

textbook con job where's the half

million don't worry about it I like to

worry where is it I gave it back I

didn't hear right you didn't say I gave

it back that's what I said

that's what I did

come to my arms baby I don't feel

romantic right now honey neither do I

I'm gonna break every bone in your body

I couldn't help myself they were so

trusty so honest

[Music]

[Music]

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