09x03 - Jed Buys the Capitol

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to a story about a man

named Jed a poor Mountaineer barely kept

his family fed and then one day he was

sh**ting at some food and up through the

ground

or that is Black Gold Texas Tea

well the first thing you know old Jim's

a millionaire the folks said can't move

away from there said California is a

place you want to be so deluded up the

truck in the motor Beverly Hills that is

swimming pools movie stars a Beverly

hillbilly

foreign

[Music]

thank you

you wanted to see me Mr Cranford

yes sure Mr Honest John uh

that's a kind of a bad experience here

in my town Washington DC yes sir uh it

happened right after I bought the White

House from your Indian friend Sutton

Hall oh yes the last of the District of

Columbia Indians Noble woman well I

ain't faulting her

it was when we took the deed over to

give it to the president we run into the

trouble try to see the president without

telling me Oh we didn't want to bother

you we thought we'd just dropped in hand

in the Waukegan

what are you forgetting Waukegan is

engine for deed I asked him because you

gave it the pale face pronunciation

confused me for a moment

well anyway it was at the gate to the

White House where things went wrong I'll

say they did I'm terribly sorry

especially for your sake Ellie May

no I'm granny

I did it again it's very confusing you

both look so young and radiant

well I don't feel young and radiant when

we tried to see the president they took

us to the calaboos

now we'll come to think of it wasn't

exactly a calaboose it was more like a

hospital well anyway it was something

called a psycho ward

do you know what that is

not my friends is a place reserved for

very important visitors like yourself

now that I recollect they did think that

we come from a foreign country

yeah place called paranoid

there was another country mentioned too

that's right they said uh from the way

we looked and acted we was either

paranoics or schizophrenic

yeah a natural mistake there are many of

them here in Washington

well you'd think that after Jed laying

out a million dollars to buy the White

House for him the president would see us

I'll go to the white house right now and

speak to the chief but you tell him and

his missus that we would like to be

invited for vittles you will be vittles

in the Gold Room tell the presidents

misses not to go to no trouble I'll do

that

I'm sure the first lady will be very

relieved first lady that's how we refer

to the president's wife

did you hear that Granny they call her

the first lady yeah I bet the other

president's wives wouldn't appreciate a

crack like that

hello hello

where are you

I'm trying to scrape off this Indian

paint so we can blow time low top honey

I've got the trumpets convinced that you

own the entire District of Columbia

South so I've only sold a one little

Apostle the White House Now Shifty hello

what's wrong with getting another

mission for the Capitol building in the

Washington Monument Independence Hall

that's in Philadelphia

I'll let it go for half price

I get the paint back on your city hall

and they're sitting dunks Shifty Shifty

be sensible you got a million dollars to

fight smog you got another million for

the White House let's take the two

million and fly to Guatemala

Guatemala what's in Guatemala when we

get there us and the 2 million I get it

all right then let's split the money

that's the deal the next 2 million is

yours honey have a little faith in me it

will be in Clover we'll be in

Leavenworth sweetie you're arguing with

a man who's a proven success

I'm worth two million dollars you

haven't got a penny go put on the pain

wow

[Music]

where is Ellie May I need her to help

with the housework any of those are made

that does all that you can't expect one

poor girl to do it all Jim there's a

thousand rooms in this hotel

that's Thomas surprise well that's

mighty nice are you Ellie what is it

Ellie take a look

anything cute

of course he's cute Ellie but if there's

one thing we don't need right now it's

more Critters your paws right Ellie take

them back

but granny I already named him don't

matter take them back they saw named

after presidents

this one here is George Washington

this one here is Abraham Lincoln

and this one is Theodore Roosevelt

take them back Ellie this one is

Jefferson David he can stay

we got too many Critters now Mr Drysdale

has to look after him first one poor

little Confederate kitten ain't no body

[Music]

Big Show inside

cheese

but where are you Chief I have got to

talk to you did you buy a ticket

well of course not right over there 25

cents what is going on in there

buy a ticket and find out Chief this is

important I have got to talk to you not

without the ticket

[Music]

foreign

school will be out pretty soon I'm

expecting a couple hundred kids for the

Big Show what a Big Show Now these

animals if I'm going to take care of

them I might as well make a buck

children can see animals at the zoo for

nothing I've got an act they won't see

at the zoo

Fearless leopard woman fights full

ground mountain lion with our bare hands

sweater are you gonna find anybody crazy

enough to do a thing like that two of

the snitch

forget it are you going to disappoint

all those children and the mountain lion

now perhaps you would better listen to

the news uh Washington DC Bank just

phoned Jed clappett has written checks

for 2 million dollars two million

dollars who they made out to cash the

bank simply wanted to know if they were

good well I hope you told them no

if I can't lie you can't lie you can't

fight mountain lions what do I need you

for well for one thing to take care of

the bank while you're putting on Kitty

shows don't knock it 200 kids at 25

cents a throw that 75 dollars that's

fifty dollars so you caught me you'd be

surprised how many people don't I'll hop

on a plane to Washington and bring the

clampless home

hey what do I use for money oh yeah I

forgot uh has uh 500 bring back the

change

hundred dollars so you caught me again

big deal happy Landings

say Chief you're taking this all very

calmly why not at least the clampettes

aren't in the clutches of that

confidence man Shifty Shaffer

they said Mr President why Pals the

Clampetts have spent two million dollars

on your behalf when are we gonna see him

then I said if necessary I'm sure they'd

be willing to spend even more what did

he say

he should have seen his face

we'd like to

he was deeply moved tears welled up in

his eyes have you ever seen a president

cry we ain't never seen a president do

nothing

really that Mr John's John tell his

story what makes you think it's a story

oh oh yes you mean the account of what

happened yes well just then the hotline

from the Capitol Building rang Congress

was on a turmoil how come sitting hawk

has pitched her TP on the grounds of the

Capitol building and will Allowed no one

to enter or leave her property that's

right she owns a whole sh**ting match

Congress has adjourned the country is

paralyzed a state of emergency has been

declared no one knows what to do it's

terrible well why don't we just go over

to the Capitol and I'm bad from her what

an idea what a patriotic gesture once

again you have saved your country the

president will be overjoyed this time

it's time like to see the joy

[Music]

hi doggies are just about the prettiest

building I ever did see

they're in the White House

I think because he said no where Jen

better DP pitched in the bushes Yonder

this isn't a terrible to think that our

nation's capital can be barricaded by

one stubborn Indian well now you got to

remember she don't trust potawatomies oh

annotation they speak with forked

tongues oh yeah yeah yeah

how much do you reckon that she's gonna

charge Jen for the capital who knows

I'll do my best to bargain with it let's

go

[Music]

Sequoia Manitoba Ponderosa yep tall

farmer with a mustache that's me

Minnie ha ha Zuni

I know zumie means doctor but what's

that haha business

lovely lady

lovely lady doctor ain't that nice

Flamel

what does that mean Loosely translated

that means genius he sure got you Peg

ask what you take for the capital

Pawtucket Wampum powwow Wigwam now a g*n

set

make an offer

don't start too high Jed leave room to

Dicker I will

you want me to loosen her up with a shot

of fire water oh no

well Honest John I paid her one

Allegheny for the White House ask her if

she'll take that for the capital we can

try Chickasaw Wichita Allegheny

what'd she say I'm afraid there's no

polite way to interpret that I take it

you tear me down very rudely

how well wigwam

Tacoma Allegheny

she's asking 2 million

tell her to go I'll keep an okay granny

well Honest John if that's her Rock

Bottom price I reckon we'll have to meet

it Tacoma Allegheny

Tuscaloosa

it's Sadia

give the check to princess Sutton Hawk

no no no there's a special Congressional

committee to handle the acquisition make

your check payable to uh

committee acquiring Senate headquarters

that's a lot to write couldn't I just

use the initials again good idea the

Washington shortfall

committee acquiring

Senate

headquarters

man what do you know comes out c-a-s-h

again

Honest John if Jed is buying the capital

from Saturn Hall why can't she get to

keep the money

she will at first Congress has to

convert it to Buffalo High

hell they're yours lamia

yeah how can we get to see the president

of course first however sitting hawk has

authorized me to offer for sale several

other choice Parcels of local real

estate dictionary x-day that's the

Washington Monument

ixnay and spray

watching uh uh that's the Lincoln

Memorial she'll only sell them if you

take them both she doesn't want to break

up a set

well I reckon they wouldn't do no harm

to look at him well spoken my friend

[Applause]

Guatemala Guatemala come out

what'd she say she doesn't want to sell

the airport

what closes it down where will people

land oh we gotta have an airport yes you

two stroll over and take a look at the

Capitol I will reason with her in her

native language see you at the hotel

sure do hope you can get her to

Poughkeepsie to Guatemala I'll do my

best

don't take any wooden Buffalo hides

thank you

[Music]

look at Theodore Roosevelt go after that

milk he's got the best appetizer but

you know something Millie I can't find

paranoia no place let's get something

you need it what are you talking about

remembering the psych award when they

said we was either paranox or

schizophrenics we'll just hear a map of

the world don't show neither one of them

country

oh who cares

please America

come on Theodore now you can curl up on

a bit and take a nap with George

Washington

oh Paraguay but no paranoid

come in

oh excuse me sir if you're finished I'll

take the dishes oh sure help yourself

hey

tell me something

during to you

no why some folks think we is a family

of paranoics or schizophrenic

yeah what folks the ones that had us at

psych award

they had you at the psycho award

they picked us up just as we was moving

into the White House

oh well that's a shame

I uh hope you enjoyed your lunch oh yeah

the first two was real good I couldn't

finish the third so well it may give

part of it Theodore Roosevelt

sorry

hi will y'all be quiet you're gonna wake

up George Washington

George Washington is sleeping in there

fight over Yonder Abraham Lincoln and

Jefferson Davis is in that room

as well

glad they finally made up

oh howdy Mr waiter guess what youngins I

just bought the Capitol Building Lock

Stock and Senate

he's gonna buy the X-Men and the M

scrape that's Washington Monument and

the Lincoln Memorial oh Mr wager here's

my granny that's my pal that figures

she had that Washington Monument is a

real money maker why they get 10 cents

ahead just to ride up in the elevator

I invited to make money Jethro I'm going

to turn the whole thing over to the

United States government can we go along

Paul

we'll take the Young's gin I've got some

sheets to wash come on uh Honest John's

waiting to take it

[Music]

oh Mr Clampett how do you like it real

fine and that sure is a Dandy elevator

ride for 10 cents now that you're buying

it you can ride free

[Music]

my dog is a damn screen is pretty easy

at snake and it's all yours for the

bargain price of one million dollars

[Music]

hey Uncle Jed I'll let you walk the

Supreme Court building can I be a judge

how about that Honest John it's a sense

I'll talk to the president

but Honest John what would I do with the

Pentagon we'll figure something it's too

good a bargain to pass out

[Music]

seriously I've been worried out of my

mind relaxed Squad Chief lots of loot

has returned triumphant are you ready

you are looking at 10 million dollars in

pale face swampum 10 million and you are

the equipment too look at this smart

control the White House the capital

Washington Monument and Lincoln Memorial

the zoo

Supreme Court building the Pentagon

Dulles Airport Library of Congress the

Potomac River

you got a million dollars for the

Potomac River well it was so polluted I

let it go cheap why

Shifty I gotta hand it to ya good idea

ah that'll be our champagne and caviar

who ordered that I did I thought a

little celebration is an order

come in

excuse me I'm looking for some kids

Mr Honest John Kelly May don't find one

of your kittens on his job

well would you look at this it's Honest

John is setting a hawk hey it's me

minus John I sure never expected this

well you see uh you have got to be the

nicest man that ever lived well you see

what huh

what who else but you were taking a poor

old Indian woman ain't got no place to

pitch her teepee what

ain't I always said it the man is a

living saint

he's the salt of the earth what a

Nature's nobleman I don't know what to

say you don't need word Jonas John you

speak with Deeds Deeds of kindness

I'm gonna change this to your kitten's

name from George Washington to Honest

John Shaffer

the greatest American I know please

don't say that it's not true it sure is

that's a fact if everybody was like you

there wouldn't be no Wars or riots All

God's Children would love one another

like it was meant to stop it will you we

ain't said half enough why you must be

the finest man that ever lived

look you want to know the kind of man I

am

I'm a confidence man

that's the truth we got nothing but

confidence in you

you don't know what you're saying I

don't huh

when you're the only man at a 150 year

old Indian will trust you are something

special

all right

you want to hear something

this woman is my wife

did you hear that this blessed man

married this poor old hag to make her

last days on Earth happy listen to me

we work together

we're Confederate Glory

[Music]

glory to the South will rise again

oh God bless you Honeymooners ready

I think we get out of here before

we all go to bowling

wait a minute yeah

take your 10 million back

why it's yours and Earth we don't want

it we don't need it what's the matter

with something we said

it's everything you said here well I'm

not taking it back well I'm not keeping

it

Happy New Year

all right let's go in the other teepee

[Music]

well if that don't beat all

it's our own fault granny we over

praised him you just can't do that to a

modest man

well come on everybody

well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed

and all his kin they would like to thank

you folks for kindly dropping in you're

all invited back next week to this

locality to have a heap and helping of

their Hospitality hillbilly that is set

a spell take your shoes off y'all come

back now here this has been a filmwise

presentation

thank you