- [cane thuds]
- [faint audience chatter]
[cane thuds]
[cane thuds]
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
start clapping your hands
and make a lotta noise...
[crowd cheers]
[male announcer] ...for Keith Robinson!
[crowd cheering, clapping]
Oh, sh*t!
[cheering continues]
g*dd*mn!
- Good night!
- [audience laughs]
That was a long-a*s walk!
[audience laughs]
[Keith laughs]
Oh, I had two strokes, man. Two!
Yeah. One more,
I'm gonna be Mitch McConnell.
[audience laughing]
- Staring all... [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
I gotta admit, man,
the first stroke
wasn't sh*t.
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "What the f*ck?"
"You call this a stroke?"
[audience laughs]
Now, the second stroke, oh, sh*t!
[audience laughs]
"Now this is a stroke."
[audience laughing]
Mwah!
[audience laughing, clapping]
Huh?
That's what I call "different strokes."
[audience laughs]
I should be
kicked off the stage for that sh*t.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
There's a lot of different strokes,
there really are, man.
This woman was on Investigation Discovery.
Right? She had a stroke.
And became a psychotic k*ller.
I'm like, "Oh, f*ck."
[audience laughs]
"I gotta worry about that now?"
I'm walking down the street, "Oh, sh*t."
"Oh, sh*t!"
"Am I gonna m*rder?"
[audience laughs]
I couldn't k*ll a bunny rabbit,
what the f*ck am I talking about, man?
But everybody... every audience I go to
people know somebody who had a stroke.
Right?
But they think they become stroke experts.
'Cause they tell me, "Come here, man."
Like they selling me drugs or some sh*t.
[audience laughing]
"My Uncle Bill had a stroke."
"He took four cups of green tea
with a tablespoon of Seemox."
[audience laughs]
"After six months,
no more stroke."
[audience laughs]
You gonna get
the f*ck out of my face, man.
[chuckles]
I mean, I did it, I followed...
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
It is a pain in the a*s, man,
this stroke sh*t.
'Cause now it's like it's weird, man.
I was in Philadelphia
taking my grandkids
boxing, you know what I mean?
I was getting ready to try to park the car
when a UPS truck
drove and took my spot.
My handicapped spot.
[audience laughs]
Now, when you're handicapped,
you become the Handicap Police.
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "What the f*ck?
Oh, no, you don't."
[audience laughs]
And I, like, beep the horn...
[imitates honking]
And I point to my placket. [chuckles]
Like it's a badge. I'm like...
[audience laughing, clapping]
He goes, "Get the f*ck out of here."
Now I'm mad as sh*t, you know what I mean?
I step out my car,
close the door and lean against the car.
I'm waiting for him to bring his a*s back.
I'm against the car trying to get
my balance, you know what I mean?
He gone come, I see him walking.
"Come here for a minute."
He come on the right side.
"No, could you move
to the left a little bit?"
[audience laughs]
You know what I mean? Eh, ah!
[audience laughs]
I could do a one over on him,
you know what I mean?
[chuckles]
A little slip and a turn, mmm!
He'd beat my a*s though, you know?
[audience laughs]
A lot of people ask me,
"What did you learn from having a stroke?"
Well, I learned, you know what I mean,
to live in the moment.
Live in the now.
- Never... All right.
- [audience claps, whoops]
Never put off tomorrow
what you can do today.
In other words,
if there is someone you wanna punch...
[audience laughs]
Punch them now!
[audience laughing loudly]
Knock the sh*t out of them!
You know how many
unpunched faces I left out there?
[audience laughs]
Oh, sh*t, these strokes
is a pain in the a*s, man.
I don't like it whatsoever, man,
I'm like, "What the f*ck?"
You know what I mean?
I'm brand new at this handicapped sh*t.
I never was handicapped before,
I'm brand f*cking new.
Only problem with that,
- sometimes...
- [cane thuds]
There you go.
[audience laughing, clapping]
[audience whooping]
Now, some of you are clapping
like, "Oh, yeah, that's all right,"
while some of you are clapping
like I'm at the Special Olympics.
[audience laughs]
"Come on, you can do it!"
Mmm-mmm.
Oh.
[audience cheering]
Hurry up, here...
[audience laughing]
...white girl. [laughs]
- Oh.
- [audience cheering, clapping]
It's good to have friends, man.
It's very good to have friends.
[audience cheering, clapping]
You know, like, being handicapped,
it's my first time being handicapped.
I never was handicapped ever.
The only problem with that,
sometimes I forget that I am handicapped,
but I'm such an as*h*le...
[audience laughs]
...I find myself laughing
at handicapped people.
[audience laughs]
You know what I mean? I see them walking,
I'm like, "Ah!"
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
They're like, "Look at you!" "Oh, sh*t."
"I forgot, man."
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
Y'all can laugh, don't worry about me.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
Now I got my trusty cane.
It's noisy as sh*t.
You know what I mean? "Clunk! Clunk!"
I gotta put tennis ba*ls on the bottom
to stop it being so f*cking noisy, man.
But it just, "clunk, clunk, clunk."
I'm walking through the Village,
all the homeless guys are, like,
"Who that new m*therf*cker?"
[audience laughs]
I'm, like, "It's me."
[chuckles]
But all of a sudden, people think
I'm homeless because I got a f*cking cane.
You know what I mean?
An old white guy...
I only have to tell what he did,
but he's white.
[audience laughs]
He shook his... [chuckles]
...boxes of pizza at me. "Mmm?"
[audience laughs]
"I'm wearing a Tom Ford shirt,
you m*therf*cker."
[audience laughing, clapping]
"The hell out of my face."
[audience cheering, whooping]
Eh?
Well, people... [chuckles]
Like, they really think I'm homeless, man.
Like, this was last week.
I'm walking there. Beautiful girl.
She smile at me.
I smile at her.
I'm, like, "Oh, sh*t, here we go."
[audience laughs]
This b*tch...
[audience laughs]
...reaches in her bag.
"Are you hungry, sir?"
[audience laughs]
"Would you like a sandwich?"
"I don't want no damn sandwich,
I want some p*ssy!"
- [audience laughs]
- No.
- I didn't say that. I did not say that.
- [audience cheering, clapping]
I didn't say it.
I thought about it, but I didn't say it.
So I took her sandwich anyway.
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
But usually I wouldn't f*ck with anybody,
especially the comics.
We're comics.
Anybody can mess with an old man.
Ah.
You know what I mean?
I wasn't voted the funniest guy
in elementary,
junior high school and high school
because I said nice, encouraging sh*t.
[audience laughs]
I ain't standing in front of a class,
"Hey, leave the fat kid
with the glasses alone!"
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
[laughs]
But everybody can mess with me. Anybody.
Like, I see... Comics see stuff,
we say certain things.
We're supposed to question the obvious.
You know what I mean?
Like today, in today's world, man,
like, kids, eight, nine years old,
are telling their parents
how they identify.
What the f*ck?
[audience laughs]
I can't imagine my son coming to me
at eight years old,
"Dad, I think I wanna be trans."
"Oh, son, we can't afford that right now."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
"I just bought your a*s a 60-pack
of Fruit of the Loom, g*dd*mn it!"
[audience laughs]
"We're gonna try this boy sh*t
at least three more years."
[audience laughs]
[audience clapping]
Oh, come on, man.
That was not a transphobic joke.
That was an economics joke.
[audience laughs]
Now this is a transphobic joke, right.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
[chuckles]
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
Well, everybody like,
"Oh, man, you can't say sh*t like that."
"You'll be cancelled."
"God already cancelled
my right side, man."
[audience laughs]
"What more you want?!"
[audience laughing, clapping]
It's all that social media sh*t,
that's the problem.
Everybody yapping.
It's too much yapping.
Everybody's f*cking yapping
and yapping and yapping.
Even so-called gangsters are yapping.
"Yo, my name is OG Deathtrap.
I sh**t at the block."
"I pull b*tches by the hair!"
"If you like what I just said,
hit that subscribe button for me."
[audience laughing, clapping]
"Hit the subscribe butt..." What the f*ck?
[chuckles]
But how I got over my stroke, man.
I ain't get over, but how,
you know, I got through it.
My religion. I believe in God.
- You know what I mean?
- [audience cheers, claps]
Any religious people out there?
[audience cheers, claps]
[laughs]
- Wow, that's, like, 12 people.
- [audience laughs]
What the rest of you do? Go home
and write manifestos? What the f*ck?
[audience laughing]
What the hell?
[laughs]
Nah, man, I choose a religion
with the best afterlife program.
[audience laughs]
Some religions
have better afterlife programs.
And some religions
got real shitty afterlife programs.
One religion you got...
you get reincarnated
and come back here.
The f*ck I'ma pick that sh*t, man.
[audience laughs]
What if I come back a white guy
with a stroke, what the f*ck, man?
[audience laughs]
Plus, I don't f*ck with any religion
whose worship service
don't produce R&B singers.
[audience cheers, claps]
That's for the Black folks.
[audience laughs]
You haven't laughed
at a damn thing I said so far, lady.
Don't look around, you!
[audience laughs]
She hates handicapped Black men,
I'm sure of it.
[audience laughing, clapping]
[raucous laugh]
What the f*ck was that laugh?
[audience laughs]
[imitates raucous laughter]
[continues imitating laughter]
I see the Black...
It looks good seeing Black folks smiling.
You know, usually you go
to a Black neighborhood,
they be... [unintelligible] ...face, [grunts].
[audience laughs]
Black folks, we don't get along,
until we're in an all-white country.
[audience laughs]
You'd be so happy
to see another Black guy,
he'd be a rival g*ng member, "Yo, my man!"
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
But I f*ck with people, man.
Nobody gave me a break
when I was, um... when I had my stroke.
None of my friends gave me a break.
They kept f*cking with me, man.
I'll never forget, I went
to The Comedy Store, all right?
And I go in there,
and I'm with my cane, clunk,
clunk,
clunk.
And I drop my cane,
and I bent down to pick it up
and that b*tch, Amy Schumer...
[audience laughing loudly]
kicked my cane across the floor.
[audience laughing loudly]
as*h*le Chris Rock
calls me Stroky Robinson.
[audience laughing loudly]
That's funny as sh*t, man.
That is funny as sh*t!
[audience laughs]
That's why I never understood
why Jada Pinkett,
who's one of the most beautiful
women in the world,
got upset that he called her
another beautiful woman.
Demi Moore is beautiful.
But, I know, womens, like,
"Oh, no, she got alopecia."
m*therf*cker, I had a stroke!
[audience laughs]
Alopecia is one step above
having severe dandruff.
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
[chuckles]
That was pretty funny, man, come on.
[audience laughs]
I remember, like, I...
When I had my stroke,
I questioned God, man.
I questioned God, I...
"What did I ever do
to deserve this stroke?!"
"Oh, yeah, that's right."
[audience laughing loudly]
[audience clapping, whooping]
"That time I hit that homeless guy
and kept driving, f*ck!"
[audience laughs]
"Was it the time
I robbed those prostit*tes?"
[audience laughs]
Oh, come on, man, come on!
You know how many prostit*tes robbed me?
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
[audience whooping]
Especially now!
"Where you going?
Ah, give my money... Ah, sh*t!"
"At least bring back my cane."
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
No, but, like I said,
when I got out of hospital,
I went straight to Popeye's Chicken, man.
You know what I mean? The drive through.
I wasn't supposed to be driving,
but f*ck it.
[audience laughs]
That's why I hit that homeless guy.
[audience laughs]
[Keith chuckles]
Chicken fingers all over the place.
[audience laughs]
But y'all know, when you go
to any drive through,
when you can talk real clear,
they barely understand you.
[audience chuckles]
[audience laughs]
They got mad at me!
[audience laughs loudly]
[chuckles]
The guy cursed at me.
I'm, like, "Can I have..."
"Sir, we don't understand you."
"Well, could you please give me..."
"Damn it! We don't understand you!"
And then I got mad.
And when I get mad, I can talk real clear.
- [audience laughs]
- I'm, like, "What the f*ck?"
[audience laughs]
"You're Popeye's Chicken."
[audience laughs]
"You sell nothing but chicken!"
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
"Guess what I want?"
[audience roars with laughter, claps]
"It's not like you have
a variety of sh*t."
"Could I have the duck ravioli, please?"
[audience laughs loudly]
"Give me my three pieces
and let me get the f*ck out of here, man!"
I know how I sound, man.
You think I don't know
how I sound? I know.
You know what I mean?
My as*h*le grandson
says I sound like Squidward.
[audience roars with laughter]
He's a b*tch-a*s n*gga, man, f*ck him!
[audience laughing loudly]
[Keith chuckles]
No, look, man, I love him,
but I don't like him.
[audience laughs]
He gone come at me on Father's Day.
Huh.
"You know you're not
my favorite grandfather, right?"
[audience laughs]
[audience whooping]
And I'm, like, "And you're not
my favorite grandson, as*h*le!"
[audience laughs]
He's an as*h*le. [chuckles]
I want to punch him
right in the back of his head
Soon as this hand gets better.
[audience laughs]
He don't know, man.
See, people...
He don't realize that my speech...
When I first had my stroke, my...
my second stroke,
when I first had it, man,
I wasn't able to talk for two years.
[audience] Aww...
I'm lying, man, f*ck it.
[audience laughs]
"Oh. Aww."
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
Y'all dumb, little, old faces.
"Oh! Oh, no, oh, no!"
[chuckles]
[laughs loudly]
[audience laughs]
Ah, that's what y'all get for the f*cking...
No, my voice was f*cked up, though.
[chuckles]
You know, my biggest challenge
being handicapped...
My biggest challenge, man,
is crossing that long-a*s street...
[audience laughs]
...with a light with a countdown on.
[audience laughing]
"Fourteen seconds, what the f*ck?!"
[audience laughs]
"Don't you have
a handicapped two minutes?"
The crossing guard comes, shoots a g*n,
"Wow, go!" "Oh, sh*t!"
"Fourteen, thirteen,
twelve, aaah!"
[audience laughing, clapping]
a*s-old cars revving the engine.
[imitates car revving]
Now I'm gonna race
with an old woman in a walker.
[grunts]
[audience laughs]
"Ten, nine..." [grunts]
[audience laughs]
Finally get across the street
just to get hit by a Citi Bike.
What the f*ck?
[audience laughs, exclaims]
Oh, y'all can laugh
at me being hit by a Citi Bike.
[audience laughs]
But the homeless guy, aww...
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
I was in London, man. Anybody from London?
- [person whoops]
- Yeah.
f*ck London.
[audience laughs loudly]
Some of the lights in London
count down from seven seconds.
Fast as sh*t.
Seven, six, five, four!
Had to go back, "Aw, sh*t."
[audience laughing loudly]
[laughs]
[chuckles]
[cackles]
I was in London for two weeks,
I only see one side of London.
[audience laughs lightly]
I never crossed the street,
come on, g*dd*mn it!
[audience laughs]
When I had my first stroke, right,
I remember running to my car
to call my kid's mom,
Tracy Rome.
My best friend, I called her.
But I did so much lying and cheating.
She didn't believe sh*t I was saying.
[audience laughs]
I'm, like,
"I can't take you to dinner tonight,
I'm having a stroke."
"Mm-hmm."
[audience laughs]
"If you're having a so-called stroke,
FaceTime me and let me see that sh*t."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I had to call looking...
[garbled] "Oh, look at me!"
[laughs]
That's a true story, man, true.
When I got my... [chuckles]
...my second stroke, man,
I flew from Newark, New Jersey
to Arizona
to get laid.
[audience laughs]
First class.
[audience laughs]
I'm not gonna have a stroke in coach.
The f*ck I am.
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
What kind of animal am I?
[chuckles]
Like, if you fly first class you know
they give you all the drinks you want.
You know what I mean? Never stop.
No drink minimum, nothing.
Bam!
- Boom!
- [audience laughs]
Slip-slop!
[audience laughs]
Slip-slop with 15 drinks in.
[audience laughs]
I'm drunk as sh*t.
[laughs]
I mean, time flew past.
The pilot makes an announcement.
"Twenty minutes left in the flight."
Okay, I'm doing the math.
Twenty minutes left in the flight,
ten minutes to the girl's house,
total of 30 minutes...
What takes 30 minutes to kick in?
[audience laughs raucously]
[screaming] Answer me!
[audience laughs loudly]
Viagra, damn it.
I popped the Viagra.
Men... [chuckles]
...never take a Viagra on an airplane.
[audience laughs]
I was f*cked up, man.
I was, I f*cked up.
You know what I mean?
I'm, like, "Oh, sh*t."
My vision was blurry,
I'm, like, "Oh, f*ck."
I got an Uber.
I start passing in and out
of consciousness.
[audience laughs]
But I never panic...
[audience laughing]
...when I know I gotta make a decision.
[audience laughs]
"Should I go
to the girl's house and get laid?"
[audience laughs]
"Should I go to the hospital and live?"
[audience laughs loudly]
So I'm knocking on the girl's door.
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
[audience whooping]
She opened the door,
I bust in, take my clothes off real fast.
I'm in a rush right now.
[audience laughing]
I have to beat that stroke,
you know what I mean?
She's laying on the bed butt naked.
I'm butt naked, I'm walking toward her
like the living dead.
- [Keith groans]
- [audience laughs]
[flatly] "Must complete the mission."
My arm goes down. My leg goes down.
Only thing still working? Ha!
[audience laughs, claps]
I should make a commercial
out of this sh*t.
"When everything is going down,
Viagra stands strong!"
[audience whooping, clapping]
Now, ladies, don't ever let me
hear you say again in your lives,
"We enjoy sex just as much as you men."
Bullshit!
How many of you are willing to die for it?
[audience laughs]
[angrily] Answer me!
[audience laughing]
[audience laughing loudly]
What have you ever sacrificed, lady?
What have you ever sacrificed?!
Yeah, you!
Would you lose your job for it?
Of course not!
President Bill Clinton...
[audience laughs loudly]
[audience claps]
...sacrificed the most important
job in the world...
[audience laughs]
...for a slice.
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
[audience whooping]
[audience members whistles]
[chuckles]
The only thing that got to me, man,
is my son.
My son cursed at me
for the first time. Ever.
I'm sitting in my house in a wheelchair.
[chuckles]
My son comes over.
He was crying, man.
"Dad." [imitates sobbing, chuckles]
[audience laughs]
"We almost lost you, Dad,
we almost lost you!"
"All for some f*cking p*ssy!"
[audience laughs]
And I looked up at him
from my wheelchair, I'm, like, "Son,
are you g*y, what the f*ck?"
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
[audience whoops]
[chuckles]
"Of course that's what it's for,
what the f*ck?"
"How do you think you got here, as*h*le?"
I was in the hospital,
and a speech pathologist came in.
You know what I mean?
And the speech pathologist,
her job is to see what you can remember,
long-term, short-term memory.
But she thinks, and thought in her mind,
the louder she talks...
[audience laughs]
...the more I will understand.
She'd come into the room, "Hello."
[louder, in singsong] "Hello!"
[loudly] "What is your name?"
And I would f*ck with her,
"Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King."
[audience laughs loudly, whoops]
[chuckles]
You should see the look in her face,
"Oh, sh*t, he's f*cked up!"
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
And then she would give me
these long-a*s word math problems.
And she was all excitable.
"Are you ready?"
[audience laughs]
"I'm laying in bed with a stroke,
I can't be more ready, more!"
"Here we go!
Little Billy went to the store."
[audience laughs]
"He had 16 marbles in one pocket,
$32 in another pocket,
and he left the house
with four... fluffy... puppies."
[audience laughs]
I'm, like, "Come on!"
"On the way to the store,
he stopped past his aunt's house."
"He gave her two of the fluffy puppies."
"He continued to the store."
"Unbeknownst to him...
[pretending to cry]
...he had a hole in his pocket".
"He lost seven of his marbles."
"What the f*ck,
am I four years old? Go on!"
[audience laughs]
"At the store, he spent 10.75."
[audience laughs]
[gravely] Oh, sh*t.
[audience laughs]
"He got another pack of 19 marbles."
f*ck!
[audience laughs]
"All he got was the marbles,
the fluffy puppies, and the change."
"What did he bring home?"
[audience laughs]
I didn't know this sh*t before the stroke,
what the f*ck?
[audience laughing, clapping]
[audience whooping]
[unintelligible]
[audience laughs]
What are you,
a f*cking teacher, what the f*ck?
"Now, see, what he did is..."
It's a joke!
[audience laughs loudly]
Why do you explain to him?
[audience laughs]
The what?
[audience laughs lightly]
- [woman, unintelligible]
- Oh, sh*t.
[audience laughs]
I just f*cked up.
All right. Why do you explain it to her?
[audience laughs loudly, exclaiming]
No, I...
My vision is bad from my stroke.
[audience laughing raucously]
[audience claps]
H... Hey, little girl...
[audience laughing]
I use my st...
my stroke for an excuse for everything.
[audience laughs]
The cops stop me
for drinking and driving... [chuckles]
"Sir, have you been drinking and driving?"
"I had a stro..." [laughs]
[audience laughs]
"What the f*ck,
is that alcohol on your breath?"
"My medicine!"
[audience laughs, claps]
[chuckles]
"Your medicine smells like Hennessy?"
[audience laughs]
Ah, goddammit, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
[audience laughs lightly]
I have, you know... [chuckles]
I remember when I...
Like, when I went to the hospital,
the pandemic was first starting.
Do y'all remember
when the pandemic first started?
I know Black folks, we thought, at first,
COVID didn't infect us.
[audience laughs lightly]
We didn't think COVID infected us.
We were having block parties...
[audience laughs]
We don't get no COVID
[audience laughs]
That sh*t lasted for two hours.
[audience laughs]
I remember CNN, Jake Tapper came on.
[imitating Tapper] "Breaking news!"
"More Black people die of COVID
than anybody else!"
What the f*ck?!
[audience laughs]
Why do we always
get the worst of this sh*t?
More Black people die of cancer.
More Black people die of diabetes.
More Black people
die from mountain climbing.
"Wait a minute."
[audience laughs]
"We don't mountain climb!"
"Yeah, but when you do, you die!"
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
Like, I was in the hospital
for two months.
Two solid months, man.
Right in the heat of the pandemic.
You know, when the pandemic hit,
your family couldn't come
to the hospital with you.
So I was by myself with me
and the nurses.
[person whoops]
Any nurses here?
[some whooping and clapping]
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
The nurses treated me like sh*t.
[audience laughing loudly]
All those hoes are not heroes!
[audience laughs]
They left blood samples on my food tray.
And I'm now, "f*ck, f*ck this.
Defund the nurses!"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
Except her.
[audience laughs, claps, whoops]
No, man, I got jumped by a pack of nurses.
They f*cking jumped me!
I wanted a room, 'cause I was falling,
like, in the hospital, I fall.
And they... start measuring my head.
Like, "What the f*ck you measure...?"
"Well, we're gonna put a helmet on you."
[audience laughs]
"I'm not wearing no damn helmet."
"You're gonna wear the helmet."
"I'm not wearing a helmet!"
I mean, how can I harass the nurses
with a f*cking helmet on?
[audience laughs]
You know how dumb that sh*t looks?
"Hey, baby, ahh..."
Big, dumb helmet,
stickers all around it, like...
She, like, "You're gonna wear the helmet!"
"I'm not wearing the helmet!"
Matter of fact, take me to the bathroom.
And she go and throw me a bedpan.
A small-a*s bedpan.
You've seen them.
Why don't you just give me an ashtray,
what the f*ck?
[audience laughs]
Matter of fact, gimme the helmet,
I'll sh*t in the helmet.
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
And so I just threw
the bedpan back at her.
[groans]
But I had a stroke,
I didn't have much strength,
so she just caught the bedpan midair.
[audience laughs]
And she goes and tells me, "I don't
give a sh*t if you poop yourself."
"You better not get out of that damn bed."
I'm, like, "Oh, sh*t."
She slammed the door, bam!
I'm stuck by myself in my own thoughts.
I'm, like, "What the f*ck?"
- "Who she talking to?"
- [audience laughs]
"I'm from South Philly!"
[audience laughs]
I don't even know what that meant,
but it felt good saying it.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
When you are in a brain injury unit,
they always keep a camera on you.
All the time, they're watching you,
they keep a camera on you.
You know what I mean?
So I looked right at the camera.
[audience laughing]
And I put my hospital socks on.
You know hospital socks.
They come
with the suction cups on the bottom.
The Air Jordan of socks.
[audience laughs]
I put them on one by one. [groans]
[groans]
I wanted to get out the bed.
As soon my feet touched the floor
the alarm went off.
Those b*tches came running in
with pepper spray and Tasers.
[audience laughs loudly]
And I'm trying to haul a*s
like it's a light, "Oh, sh*t!"
"Twelve... eleven..."
[audience laughs]
"Ten."
[audience claps, whoops]
Some fast-a*s Jamaican nurse ran me down.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
She was strong as sh*t.
Had me in a full nelson,
my feet dangling in the air.
I'm, like, "Put me the f*ck down!
Put me down!"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
She put me down.
When you have a stroke,
you get spasms in your legs, spasms.
And my leg just kicked up in the air.
I end up kicking this Irish nurse
right in the gut.
Bam! And she's, "Oh!"
"This m*therf*cker wanna fight!"
- [audience laughs loudly]
- "No!"
"No."
"Spasms, I got spasms!"
"f*ck your spasms!"
And she threw a jab at me,
you know what I mean?
But I used to box,
I just caught that sh*t, bam!
She's swerving, I slipped it, ah!
[audience laughs loudly]
[audience claps]
"South Philly, b*tch!"
[audience laughs]
But I celebrated too fast.
f*cking Puerto Rican nurse was next.
She came with a lot of movement,
you know what I mean?
[audience laughs]
Like Zab Judah, she... [grunts]
She'd fake with the right,
hook with the left.
Knocked me the f*ck out, man.
[audience laughs]
Before I went, I heard her say,
"South Bronx, m*therf*cker!"
[audience laughs raucously]
[audience clapping]
Wait a minute... [laughs]
Y'all ain't supposed to applaud
for that sh*t.
[audience laughs]
I was out cold, man.
I woke up, I was in the COVID section.
[audience laughs]
With a helmet on, what the f*ck?!
[audience laughs loudly]
No, they did put me
in the COVID section, man.
No lying, I had no symptoms.
No runny nose, no sore throat, no coughs.
I think they put me there
for bad behavior.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
And the COVID section was, like, dark.
In a dungeon almost.
They ran me through the corridor
and all that sh*t.
The ceiling was leaking water.
[audience laughs]
A guy was playing the organ.
[audience laughs loudly]
I'm, like, "What the f*ck is going on?"
And they had a big 70-inch TV
with CNN on.
And at that time,
CNN was showing a death count.
And you'd see the clicker. Click, click.
I'm, like, "Oh, f*ck!"
"I see my name, ah, no!"
[audience laughing]
"I'm here!"
They put me... in a room
and locked the door, man.
And those were
the worst days of my life, man.
It was horrible, you know what I mean?
And none, I mean, none
of the NOCs
came to see me or anything.
Nurses of color.
[audience laughs]
And there were four Black nurses,
I'll never forget,
outside my door,
talking.
"I'm not going near that n*gga,
he got COVID."
I'm, like, "What the f*ck?"
"I can hear y'all!"
[audience laughs]
Well, I'll tell you what,
thank God, thank God
for the white
"Make America Great Again" nurses.
[audience laughs loudly]
They didn't give a f*ck about COVID.
[audience laughing loudly]
[audience clapping]
They came walking into my room,
no masks on,
coughing, sneezing.
I got nervous, I put my mask on.
[audience laughs loudly]
They snatched my mask,
"Oh, get this f*cking mask off!"
[audience laughing]
Kiss me on my lips, mwaah!
That COVID section is a b*tch, man.
It is.
The nurse is telling you,
'cause your family can't come in,
they say... And they show you outside.
Or your family can only come and see you
if something seriously happened to you,
they can see you through a window.
I can't imagine... What the f*ck?
I'm sitting there, I'm ready to go,
I see my family give me...
[audience laughs]
What the f*ck is that?
[chuckles]
Well, man, I did my time,
in the COVID section, honorably.
Ten toes down.
[audience laughs]
All right, seven toes,
'cause I had a stroke, and...
All right, fine.
You know what I mean? I was
an honorable guy snitching on nurses.
No, when you're leaving... the hospital,
you know, you're leaving the hospital,
it's like leaving a penitentiary.
They give you all your sh*t
in a plastic bag.
[chuckles]
And the head nurse was admonishing me.
"Don't come back to this place."
[audience laughs]
"You better not come back here."
I'm like, "I'm not coming back."
"I'm gonna do better."
[audience laughs]
Well, that as*h*le Puerto Rican nurse,
that m*therf*cker,
going straight to Popeye's.
[audience laughs loudly, clapping]
Hey, man, thanks so much.
[audience clapping, cheering loudly]
[audience whooping]
[mellow music playing over cheering]
[cheering fades]
[rhythmic music playing]
[music fades]
It's so easy!
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