01x05 - Tanner

[bunniefuu]

Phil, your machine--

Yeah. Here, watch this.

You like that?

OK. Now it's annoying.

Oh, rass snacks!

Dad, what are you doing?

Well, I sort of, kind of--

Mr. Diffy, it looks like

you kind of painted yourself
into a corner!

Hahh hahh!

Hah hah hah hah!

Son, toss me
the omnimatic grabifiers.

Omni what?

Omnimatic grabifiers.
They're really cool. Watch.

[Phil] They're like
laser suction cups.

[Keely] That's so awesome!

Just like when I was a kid.

Look out.
Get back. Get back.

Ha ha ha ha!

I missed you, too, boy.

Good job, Dad.

Thanks. At least
I didn't get paint on my pants.

Your mom would have
put me in a time out.

Gitana!

That's gitana.
Yeah.

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from
The 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine,
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

-♪ So now it's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ But something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

-♪ So now he's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

Forecast calls for partial...
cloddiness on...

That's cloudiness on lursday.

I mean Thursday.

And now, turning
to my short retort--

that's my sports report...

I know Tanner's
a 2-timing rat,

but I think he knows
how to read.

Phil, didn't they teach you
how to print in the future?

Not really. I mean,
everything was either

printed or voice-activated.

Is it really
that bad?

The furball team
gored a touchdown

with 2 ninnies on the...
Crock.

This isn't my fault!

Hotshot, you're still on the air!

This isn't my fault!

For the morning announcements,

this is Tanner Kirkpatrick
saying...

Keep it...

And... clear.

Good work, everybody.

That was our
best show ever.

You trying to
make me look bad?

Hey, relax, all right?
It was an accident.

Right. Well, you just barked up the wrong
tree. And this tree barks back.

That's enough.

Watch it!

Phil... this is disappointing.

I mean, you're an "A" student.

I'm always braggin'
about you in my spin class.

Yeah. I'm sorry,
Mr. Weatherwax.

It's just...
At my old school,

we started using
computers right away.

They didn't really care that much
about penmanship.

Right. I read about it
in a magazine.

Very... progressive.

Well, I'm not progressive.

I'm old school.

I eat fast food 4 times a day
and never complain about it.

[belch]

So... I'm thinking
we need someone

to refresh you
on the fundamentals.

Report to Miss Winston
tomorrow morning.

She's tough...
But she's the best in the business.

OK, g*ng!

Joining us today

is Phil Diffy!

He'll be with us
for a while

[baby voice] Because he needs to work
on his penmanship, too.

Even though
he's a big boy,

he's here to learn...
Right, Phil?

That's...

That's right,
Miss Winston.

So let this be
a lesson to everyone:

Work hard...
Or you'll end up like Phil.

[laughter]

No offense.

Good lesson, though.

[whip cracking sound]

[crack]

Ahem.

Curtis cookie now!

Curtis, hold still.

I'll load you
with invisible ink.

Hey, Pim.
What ya cheating on?

Anatomy.
What's it to ya?

Nothing. I guess.

But doesn't it bother
your conscience?

-My what?
-Your conscience--

the little voice inside your head that
tells you right from wrong?

Oh, that.

Don't got one.

So... how's it look?

Impressive. Where'd you learn to print?

If you're gonna forge a note,

you gotta learn to print.

Curtis cookie now!

OK. Curtis cookie now.

Yah!

[devouring sounds]

Ha ha ha ha.

-More?
-No.

-No.
-Please.

[school bell rings]

Crash is the name.

Phil. What's with the helmet?

My mom says I'm all gas pedal
and no brakes.

My dad says
I'm entertaining.

Are you a man?

I'm a teenager. Shh.

Remember, kids...

The lines
on your papers

are your helpers.

Do you have
underarm hair?

Why don't you work
on your ks?

They're not so hot.
Tch.

My brother shaves
his armpit hair.

He says if you pull it

it hurts.

That is fascinating.

Hey--what the heck
are you doing?

Phil!

You're a visitor here.

What is the meaning of this?

He was going up my shirt!

No, I wasn't.
Smell my fingers!

That won't be necessary, Crash.

Phil!

I'm afraid you've just joined...

The quiet club.

Do I have to?

Go!

Don't do the crime
if you can't do the time.

What are you in for?

Is it ulna? Please be ulna.

Oh, please, please,

please be ulna!

[gasps] Yay!

Mmm... tibia.

Tibia. Please, please,
please be tibia.

[gasps] Oh!

Oh, yay!
Bones are so much fun!

Haaaapy birthday!

Pim Diffy, it's not my birthday
until summer!

Whatever. I can't wait.
Open it now.

OK!

[gasps]

Oh, my gosh!

They're coveralls!

These are perfect for picking up trash
in the inner city

or just around the house!

U-Uh, go ahead,
put them on.

-Now?
-Yes!

Hop to, hop to!

So, it doesn't
make me look... hippy?

No.

It makes you look boney.

Yay!

♪ Hmm hmm hmm ♪

You first. You first.

Thank you!

It's so great
that we both got as.

Yeah. What were
the odds of that?

You know what
we should do?

We should call
ourselves the "A team."

[gasps] I think
I made a funny!

Now you're using
Debbie Berwick, too?

Oh, yeah.

How do you sleep at night?

On my side with the window cracked.

Now, that's a funny! Ha!

Well, as it turns out,

I got sent back
to the second grade.

Second grade?!

Shh! Shh--

Quiet!

Keely, if anybody
found out about this,

I'd be the laughingstock
of the whole school.

Diffy, you gonna make me look like
a jerk again today?

Please. That's like trying to make

Shaquille O'Neal look tall.

He can do it on his own.

Ta-dow! Ha.

"Welcome to the second grade"?

Second grade?
What's that about?

What's--that?

It's because I went
to the second grade

for Miss Winston's class
to volunteer for the kids.

'Cause I like
volunteering for the kids.

R-Right.

Phil loves to help the kids.

Phil's a saint.

[heavenly note]
♪ Ahh ♪

Those kids...
Are our future.

Yeah. Right.

Oh.

[pounding]

Whatever it is,
we're not buyin'!

[pounding]

What are you doing here?

I--I know, I know.
I'm terribly late.

But we really need to talk.

What I need to do
is play the harp.

What you need to do,
Debbie... is vamoose.

Silly goose.
I'm not Debbie!

I'm your conscience!

Wrong house.
I don't have one.

But thanks for stopping by!
Buh-bye.

Bye!

Aah!

Aah!

Man! I gotta stop eating
chop suey before I take a nap!

[no audio]

[mouthing words]

Hey, uh...

Why do you have a video camera
taped to your helmet?

Oh...

'Cause every day
my mom asks me,

"Crash, what did you
do at school today?"

And I say, "I dunno."

So I'm recording it.

That's why, from now on,

fish sticks will be called
fish bars.

And now...

Before I sign off,

don't miss tomorrow's
special report.

It's about a courageous ninth grader

who reminds us all

you're never too old
to go back to the second grade.

And now...

From all of us here
at the morning announcements,

keep it...

[Keely] And clear.

Good work, everybody.
That was our best show ever.

Kirkpatrick...
How did you--

what is that?

A videotape of you
in the second grade.

I believe you met
my younger brother...

Crash Kirkpatrick.

Crash is your brother?

Yep.

And tomorrow everyone'll know

you're back in the second grade
chillin' with the toddlers.

I know he's up there
editing that tape. I just know it!

I'll keep him busy.

You just do your thang.

Keely.

I'm touched to see
you've come over.

But the magic's gone.
We can't get back together.

OK, first of all...
Eew.

Second, I'm here
taking a survey

for the Pickford
Chamber of Commerce.

Got a sec?

I'm editing my report for tomorrow.

Oh, well, this won't take long.

Which one of the following slogans best
represents our little town?

"When you're pickin',
pick Pickford,"

or, "Pickford,
right off the freeway,"

or, "Pickford... "
[continues indistinctly]

[Patrick] None.
They all stink.

Did you know they're thinking of
painting the sidewalks?

Tanner, what color
would make walking more fun for you?

Keely, can you go bore
somebody else?

-Tanner, wait!
-What?

Please... You can't air that tape
about Phil tomorrow.

Oh. I had a feeling
that's what all this was all about.

Look, ever since
you and I broke up,

Phil's been trying
to get payback.

But now he's the one
who's gonna be paying,

and I'm the one
who's gonna be--

backing!

[whispers]
Phil! Get down!

Hurry! He's on his way
up there!

Shh!

Phil! Are you OK?

Oh... yeah.

[pop]

Luckily, the sprinkler
broke my fall.

♪ Your toe bone's
Connected to your foot bone ♪

♪ Your foot bone's
Connected to your ankle bone ♪

♪ Your knee bone's
Connected to the thigh bone ♪

♪ Your ankle bone's
Connected to your ♪

♪ Conscience ♪

What are you
talking about?

Somebody's not an honest Johnny.

You cheated on a test.

So admit it, Pim.
Or I'll just have to keep on singing.

♪ Your toe bone's
Connected to your foot bone ♪

♪ Your foot bone's
Connected to your ankle bone ♪

Leave me alone!

♪ Ankle bone's connected
To your shin bone ♪

Hee hee!
Leave me alone!

Leave me alone you...
Crazy conscience.

Pim...

-Aah!
-Aah!

Every time
I shut my eyes,

it's like Debbie's
living in my head!

Yeah...

[humming]

Hey, buddy boy.
How's things?

Could be better.

What you need
is a protein shake--

keep you sharp,
on your game.

Not again! I just got done
cleaning the whole kitchen!

Ohh!

Dad... you're drenched.

What can I say?
I'm a klutz.

I accept that
about myself.

Isn't that embarrassing?

Naw. I don't care
if people laugh.

Hah hah! [mumbles]

As long as I can laugh at myself.

[both laughing]

Hoo hoo hah hah hah!

OK, that's enough, Curtis.

So enough about me.
What's goin' on with you?

Do you want me
to help you with something?

Believe it or not, uh...

I think you just did.

[school bell rings]

[clucking laugh]

Oh, no! This can't
be happening again!

[gasp]

Pimsy-doodle-doo!

OK, I admit it.

I have a conscience.

And, yes,
it's bothering me.

Pim, what are you
talking about?

You are as kooky
as a 3-sided cr*cker.

Look, OK, I cheated
on the anatomy test.

You what?!

I cheated!

So stay out of my dreams!

Dreams? This isn't a dream--see?

Ow!

Why are you dressed up
as a giant chicken, then?

I'm the mascot
at the Pickford Poultry Fair.

Pim... I'm glad
that you confessed.

Look me in the eye...

Pim, we need to confess
to Mr. Hopkins, tout suite.

That's the only thing
that will clear your conscience.

For real?

Come on! Punishment can be fun!

Take my wing for support.

Mr. Hopkins!

Mr. Hopkins...

And now, the tragic
story of a ninth grader

who was sent back
to the second grade

'cause he just...
Isn't good enough.

And the name of that
ninth grader is...

Me. Phil Diffy.

Last Tuesday, I joined miss Winston's
second grade glass

because... well, basically, monkeys have
better penmanship than I do.

What--

ha...

What are you doing here, little man?

My brother said he was gonna make Phil the
star of the announcement!

Shh!

Roll it, Dennis.

I don't know what you
think you're doing, Diffy,

but you're gonna wish
you were never born.

[laughter]

That's me!

Hey!

So, Diffy,

how do you feel?

Well, Tanner, I feel OK.

Because this week,
I learned how to write better.

But I also learned
at yourself

because... we all have stuff
that we're embarrassed about.

Maybe you do, Diffy, but I don't.

Sure we do, Tanner!

[mouthing words]

Hey, it's my buddy Crash!

Remember last week, Tanner,
at the petting zoo

when that lamb licked you
and you cried?!

No, I didn't. [under breath]
Get out of here, crash.

We bought you some ice cream
to get you to stop.

[laughter]

I said get out
of here, Crash.

Mom says Tanner's
a sensitive, easy crier.

Not true!
I have overproductive tear ducts.

Come here!

Come here!

For Crash and
Tanner Kirkpatrick,

I'm Phil Diffy
signing off.

And... clear!

Good work, everybody.

This was
our best show ever!

Yeah! It was. Ha ha ha.

That is so sad.

[belch]

I did it.

-Whoo!
-Whoo!

Thank you, thank you.
You're all too much, really.

I'd, uh, specially
like to thank one heck of a teacher,

Miss Genevieve Winston.

Oh!

Oh, my!

I don't know what to say!

Don't forget, Phil...

A capital "R"
is just a "P"

[whip cracks]
With a kickstand!

Got it. A capital "J"

is just a fishing hook

with a little roof on it
to keep the rain out.

Got it.

And a capital "Q"
is just an "O"

with... with...