01x09 - Pheromonally Yours

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me!

Oh.

Oh, hey, can I help you with that?

[Southern accent] Oh, why, thank you!

These books are more slippery

than a greased pig
at a fourth of July picnic.

Hee, yeah,

I know what you mean.

I'm Marla beauregard.

I'm Phil Diffy.

Aren't you in, uh...

Mr. Ginsberg's English class?

Well, I believe I am.

Are you ready for that dreadful midterm

he's cooked up for us?

No, I'm not.

[bell rings]

Ah. Well, we better get to class.

Here, let me take some of those for you.

Oh, my.

You're gonna help me carry my books?

Well, if I carried you,
people might stare.

[giggles]

You coming?

Course, Philip.

I'd follow you barefoot
through a briers patch.

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from
The 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine,
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

-♪ So now it's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ he's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ But something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

-♪ So now he's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

[announcer] According to experts,

100 years from now,
kids will have no cavities.

True or false?

-False.
-[contestant] True.

[announcer] Correct!

Ok, next question...

Are you kidding me?

I've got a mouth full of cavities.

And I've also got the clicker.

See ya.

[announcer] Next up, the bonus round--

[clicks]

Dad, what did I say about doing that?

Pim, you can't lie around the house

every day.

You need a hobby.

I have one.

It's called television viewing.

I don't know what kids do in this century.

I guess they... They play their sports,

and they do their little music,

but you gotta do something.

You're not gonna waste your life
lying on this couch.

Or sitting on this couch.

[sighs] All right.

[announcer] For the extended forecast...

Oh, weather network!

Oh!

Oh, it's raining in Phoenix.

[laughs]

Great.

That's perfect, Seth.

Thank you.

Whoa. Walk away.

Uh, earth to Seth.

Oh!

Sorry.

I'll take some pepper, Seth.

And even though the sun's set,

you've filled my heart with light.

Uh... David Butler thurmond.

Aah! Aren't you clever?

Oh, shug, you got a dangler.

I think it's puddin'.

All better.

See ya after school.

Uh, hello...

Yeah, what was that about?

What?

Oh, Marla.

Yeah, we're gonna study together

for Ginsberg's poetry test.

Phil, do you like that girl?

Like her?

No, you mean like--

no, I barely know her.

Yeah, well, she likes you.

I don't think so.

Phil, I'm the last guy to get stuff,

but I think Tia's right.

That Marla likes you!

Guys, she dropped one of her books,

and I gave her a hand. That's all.

Phil, let me clue you in.

When you do things for a girl,

they have meanings.

Like what?

Like, if you carry her books,

that means you're interested.

If you open the door for her...

That means you're interested, but
currently seeing someone.

Giving somebody cuts in line...

Front cuts mean you think she's cute.
Back cuts...

[both] Let's be friends.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm jotting all this down for us.

Great.

[Lloyd] Pim, you can't lie around

every day after school.

You need a hobby.

[crashes]

[playing classical music]

[clears throat loudly]

[music stops]

We're not done yet, thank you.

You can sweep up later.

I'm not the janitor.

I'm here to join the orchestra.

Oh, really? You have a name?

Pim.

You?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer.

So, what instrument do I play?

[laughs]

Pim, I take my job very seriously.

Meaning, I need musicians,

not wannabes who waste my time.

Here's the poop.

I can't go home until I get a hobby.

In other words,

you find me an instrument,

or I'm bunking at your house.

[classical music playing]

[gongs]

[crashes]

Aaaah!

[sighs]

Are you on page 12 yet?

What are you doing?

Scrapbookin'.

This one's gonna go right on the cover

of my Phil Diffy edition.

Marla, the poetry test is on Friday.

Ok? So we really need to buckle down.

You see, buckle down

is a metaphor for studying.

And a metaphor is...

A comparison.

But a simile is a comparison

usin' the words "like" or "as."

Ms. Phipps is as crusty
as a piece of toast.

-[laughs]
-Shh!

And you are as funny

as a mule in a bow tie.

Ah ah ah...

Phil, whatever you do,

don't try to make her laugh.

I wasn't trying to make you laugh.

I was just...

Trying to give you
an example of a simile.

Are you on page 12 yet?

Almost. Want a piece?

Sure.

[Keely] These are the rules, Phil.

No matter what you do,
don't take anything from her.

Gum, mints, nuts of any kind--

it all means one thing...

Commitment.

-Really?
-Really what?

I'm really not interested

in nuts, mints,

gum of any kind.

-Shh!
-All right.

As you know, Friday is our big recital.

Our performance will feature
a talented young soloist

who will sing a wonderful song.

[gongs]

Pim,

I said, "song," not "gong."

[gongs]

Gotta speak up!

There's a lot of noise back here.

Anywho...

Without further ado,

let me introduce our lovely soloist,

miss Deborah Berwick.

[muttering]

Bradley Benjamin Farmer!

How are you?

Debbie, you haven't aged a bit.

I haven't seen you in so long.

[gongs]

I said, "long"!

Is that Pim Diffy on gong?

Tell me you don't know her.

Please tell me you don't know her.

Oh, of course I know Pim!

She's a treasure.

Hi!

♪ Give my regards ♪

♪ To old Broadway ♪

♪ And say that I'll ♪

♪ Be there e'er long ♪

[gongs]

♪ And say that I'll ♪

♪ Be there e'er long ♪

[gongs]

♪ And say that I'll ♪

♪ Be there e'er long ♪

[crashing and clanking]

My bad.

Hey, Debbie.

I jumped a couple of those gongs,

but don't worry,

I'll nail it tomorrow night
at the concert.

Who knew a hobby could be so much fun?

Down the road, Farmer.

Um, to spare Pim some embarrassment,

I think she should miss the concert
tomorrow night.

She'll thank us later.

Brilliant.

Good luck telling her.

Ugh, hold the anchovy.

I hate those salty little devils.

[imitating Marla] My stars,

it's that heartthrob Phil Diffy!

Come here, shug.

You got a big ol' dangler.

Yeah, I know.

You know what? I think I've, uh,

actually taken care of
the Marla situation.

I gave her nothing to misinterpret.

In fact, I think I've heard the last
of ol' Marla.

[trumpeting fanfare]

Ahem.

Hear ye, hear ye.

Be it proclaimed throughout this land,

H.G. Wells Junior-Senior High,

that maiden Marla

loves squire Phil.

[all laughing]

May their passion be borne on the wings
of a thousand doves.

This love decree hath ended.

Yo, chief, you know where
I can grab a cab?

Not a clue.

Well, how about that?

Marla must have met
another guy named Phil.

I don't think so, squire.

Phil?

You have to do something.

You have to talk to her.

[Tia] Forget talk.

Kick her to the curb.

I have to break up with her?

Well, how? I--I...

Don't look at me.

I've never broken up with anybody.

Look, it's a snap.

You know the guy I'm going out with,

Mikey Watson?

Mikey Watson.

A.K.A...

The luckiest guy in the ninth grade.

I've heard of him.

I was gonna cut him
loose on Monday anyway,

but if this helps...

Hey, Mikey!

These last few weeks have been huge,

but we're done.

[screams]

See? Painless.

[sobbing] Call me.

I can't do that.

I don't know what to do.

See, if I tell Marla
that I don't like her, then...

It'll hurt her feelings.

Son, it's a good thing you came to me.

This is what you call a classic
father-son moment.

Really? You mean girls had crushes on you

when you were growing up?

No, but they did on my old
college roommate Rex.

Rex, Rex...

Isn't that the guy mom almost married?

Let's not go there.

Anyway, he had so many girls chasing him,

he used one of these.

Ah, one of those
old-fashioned DNA scramblers.

Yep. I never go anywhere
without this thing.

[beeps]

Oh, they're a hoot at parties.

It'll make you look so strange,

Marla'll be running for the hills.

Great! Thanks, Dad.

Hey, remember when I used it
on your Uncle Milt,

made his lips look like a fish?

Yeah, you really lightened up his funeral.

Ha ha! That's what I'm saying, yeah.

Hey, ready to study?

Ready isn't the word.

So, what'd you think
of my proclamation at lunch?

Oh, that was a proclamation.

Yeah, I was, uh,

-[beeps]
-Wondering what that was.

Yeah, that was my Uncle Jerry.

He does some regional dinner theater.

Well, he is, uh--

he is quite the thespian.

[beeps]

[gasps]

Goodness gracious!

Philip, there's something
wrong with your head.

-There is?
-Yes.

It's really enormous.

Oh, goodness.

Yeah, that happens sometimes.

See, it's probably just a little reaction

to all the chalk in here.

Eh, what can you do?

[beeps]

Ah!

Phil, I think you should
go to the nurse.

No, I'm fine, really.

So what do you say?

Let's get started on
those sonnets, huh?

Ok.

[beeps]

Ah!

[squeaky voice] What?

Oh. [sighs]

My head shrink again?

Yeah. Well, I understand

if you don't want to hang out
with me anymore.

Yep, I'm, uh...

Pretty grotesque.

Now, Philip...

I wasn't raised to judge a person

on how they look on the outside.

[beeps]

What I care about is what's on the inside.

And, Philip Diffy,

your insides are cuter than a bug's butt.

Heh heh.

Pim...

Can I speak to you?

Don't worry.

I practiced my gongs all night.

My dad said I sounded great

right before he left to get a motel room.

Pim, there's no easy way to say this.

I rewrote the piece,

and we won't be needing your help tonight.

You took out my gongs?

Yes.

Did Debbie Berwick put you up to this?

No.

Bradley Benjamin Farmer,

look me in the eye.

Was this Berwick's idea?

She...

She may have...

Suggested it.

Well, hey,

these things happen.

Can I see you in this...

Dark, dusty closet for a quick sec?

But why?

So...

You think you can ruin my new hobby?

Think again, Berwick,

'cause there's a new conductor in town,

and she's nasty.

You, leave.

Thank you. Thank you.

You're too kind. Thank you.

Pim, what are you doing here?

Bradley had an emergency.

He ran out of hair gel.

Asked me to fill in.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This first piece I will conduct

was written a long time ago

by a dead guy.

I hope you enjoy it.

[playing "Give My Regards To Broadway"]

♪ Give my regards ♪

♪ To Broadway ♪

♪ Remember me to Herald Square ♪

[music speeding up]

♪ Tell all the g*ng
At 42nd street ♪

♪ That I will soon be there ♪

[music slowing down]

♪ Whisper of how ♪

♪ I'm yearning ♪

♪ To mingle with the old-time throng ♪

[music speeding up]

♪ Give my regards
To old Broadway ♪

♪ And say that
I'll be there ♪

♪ I'll be there ♪

♪ I'll be there e'er long ♪

[holding last note]

[knocks]

Phil, what's going on?

Keely, it's getting out of hand.

I either have to marry
Marla or leave town.

[cats meowing]

What was that?

My mom and her friends
are having a cat circus.

Don't ask.

Marla says she loves me
for what's on the inside.

[scoffs]

Does that stink, or what?

[laughs]

Keely, it's not funny, and it's not fair.

Girls have all these rules,

and we're supposed to figure out
what they are.

Are you kidding?

It's not easy for us, either.

Well, I have absolutely no idea

what's going on in Marla's head.

Phil, sure, you do.

She thinks you're cute,
funny, and sensitive.

The problem is she doesn't know

what's going on in your head.

What am I supposed to do?

Be like Tia and kick her to the curb?

[sighs]

It's probably best just to be yourself.

You're cute, funny, and sensitive.

You know, guide her
to the curb.

[Debbie still holding last note]

[cash register dings]

Thank you.

How could this happen?

They love you.

Because you challenged me.

You took my singing to a whole new height!

Thank you.

Glad you could join us, Mr. Diffy.

Where have you been, Philly Willy?

Heh. I was actually writing you something.

Uh, a poem.

You wrote me a poem?

Yeah, yeah.

But, uh, here. Don't...

Don't read it, though, right now.

[teacher] Well, look who's not only late,

but we're passing notes.

Perhaps you'd like to read this

in front of everybody.

No! No. Thank you, though.

Um, it's not really for everybody.

Oh. Well, I'll read it.

[teacher clears throat]

A poem by Phil Diffy to Marla Beauregard.

Ok, thank you.

Wait, I'm-- thank you.

Uh, I'll do it.

[Phil sighs]

I met you in the hallway.

Only a week ago.

Your beauty so radiant,

like, uh, new-fallen snow.

We studied our hearts out.

The time I'll never regret.

But there's been something on my mind

that's making me fret.

So here's the truth,

the simplest way I know how.

We can't go on.

Not never and not now.

And, uh, Marla,

I just want to let you know,

it came from the heart.

Marla, that's my Coco-Nana smoothie.

-You--
-Save it.

I know where the principal's office is.

[grunts]

Well, I did it.

Yeah, I heard.

It's all over campus.

I can't believe you broke
up with her by poem.

You told me to be cute,
funny, and sensitive.

But a poem?

Yeah, she likes poetry.

Not anymore.

Phil, Phil, you have
so much more to learn.

Can we start with how to get a smoothie
stain out of my shirt?

She only had one name.

Pim.

Blonde,

angry,

yet strangely attractive.

Hey, don't write that!