01x12 - You Say Toe-Mato

[bunniefuu]

Pim, I'm using it first.

Why?

Because I'm older,
I'm smarter...

And taller.

Phil, you may be taller,

but there's always
gonna be one thing I have over you.

Yeah? What's that,
a serious anger issue?

-I can hold a grudge forever.
-Oh, really?

Yes. Remember the time you ate the last
butterscotch pudding cup?

-No.
-Well, you did.

I was 4 1/2. It was Tuesday, 6:35.
You were wearing blue--

Pim, I didn't eat
your pudding cup.

I put it in your shampoo.

[power surging]

Whoo-hah!

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from the 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine,
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

-♪ So now it's Phil ♪
-Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ But something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

-♪ So now he's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

[bell ringing]

Berwick!

Let me guess what's going on here.

Hot coffee,
sports section,

standing outside
Mr. Hackett's office...

You're either
A: Loopy,

B: The world's
biggest, kiss-up,

or C: A combo platter.

Pim, I do this
for all my teachers.

In fact, would you like
to run up a pastry

to Miss Soletti's office?

Uh, no.

[Mr. Hackett]
I know it's expensive,

but I have to have
the operation.

Eavesdropping is wrong
for 7 reasons,

and I'll explain why.
First--

[hushed voice]
Debbie, shush!

Well, if I don't
have the operation,

my life will be worthless.

Just a big zilch-o.

Oh, my gosh!

Pim, Mr. Hackett is sick
and needs an operation.

You know what
this calls for?

A fund-raiser!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Every time
someone needs help,

you're all,
"I'll help you,"

and I'm all, "get over it,"

and you're all,
"to the fund-raising mobile!"

Ok, Pim. That's ok.

Fund-raising isn't for everybody.

What is she saying?

That I can't fund-raise?

Well, it's on, Berwick!

What's on?

Stop that.

The only procedure
I can afford is the 106.

Yeah, that's not
a hair replacement system.

That's a toilet seat cover
parted down the middle.

No, no, no... I want it.

Yeah. Ok.

Uh, I will still attract
big Norwegian women,

like the guy on the cover, right?

Oh, Maurice, you hound dog!

Phil, you know what this is?

It's a flute.

No, it's a musical spit catcher.

Nice.

Phil, that can't be healthy.

Here. Re-hydrate.

I don't know why I thought
I could play the flute.

You ever play
an instrument?

Yeah. Phyble.

Did you blow in it?
Are there strings? Did you hit it?

Exactly.
All those things.

So, I tried
to call you last night

to talk about
the field trip.

Oh... yeah. I was out
riding my bike.

Really? Your mom said
you went for a walk.

Yeah, I did.

Well, see,
I took a bike ride,

but then I got
a flat tire,

so I had to
walk the bike back.

So, technically,
I guess it was really a walk.

So, anyway, about
the field trip.

Where are we going?

Mm! To the Pickford Tomato Ranch.

You didn't know Pickford was

the ketchup capital
of the world, did you?

That's why there's
that giant squeeze bottle

in town square.

I know it sounds lame,
but it's actually kind of cool.

At the end of the tour,
everybody gets into the stomping tub

and stomps tomatoes.

Anyway, it's all
squishy and messy and barefoot.

Barefoot?
As in... Barefoot?

Yeah. What's the matter?

Oh... I can't!

Can't what?

Go to Pickford Ranch
because I'm allergic to tomatoes, see?

If one even touches my body,

I get all weird and twitchy.
Bl-bbb-bl-bbb-bllll!

Just like that.
[exhales]

Mm.

You're about
to eat ketchup right now.

I am?

Oh.

So you really want to go
to this Pickford Ranch.

Yeah, I do.

You know, every time
I start to feel like a normal kid

from a normal family,

something gets
in the way... Like this.

Sweetie, if you're concerned
that your feet smell,

just do what
your dad does.

1/2 hour in a vinegar soak,

then dust 'em with cornmeal.

No, it's not
the smell, mom.

I'm talking about how
people in this century have 5 toes.

4.

[parents laughing]

Ha ha! That's right!

Oh, that's right.
They won't lose their pinky toe

for 75 years.

How do they walk
with all those--

[silly voice] Hello,
I am a useless pinky toe.

Someday, you will be born without me.
Ha ha ha!

Come on, guys,
I'm serious.

Ok, family,

I don't have much
time for chit chat.

I need donations.

Watches, necklaces,
belt buckles,

gold fillings.
Don't be stingy.

It's for a good cause.

Thank you.

Your donations are appreciated.
I'm touched.

Et cetera,
et cetera.

Son, if you really want
to go on this field trip,

I'm gonna find a way
to get you there.

-Really?
-Lloyd...

What are you gonna do,
build him a falsie?

Yes.

Phil, it's toe time!

Psst!

Yeah, you.

What's your name?

Jorge.

Jorge, what would you say

if I could put you in a big,
fancy belt buckle?

Don't answer.

Just step into my jacket.

Or... would you like
a gold locket?

You like locket?

No, thanks.

Jorge, did I mention
it's for a teacher

getting a nasty operation?

None of the money goes to me.

Really?

Well, I did buy myself

a prime rib sandwich at lunch,

but that's on the down low.

You know what
I'm sayin'? Huh?

I have to be
somewhere else now.

Yeah, right.

Hey, you with the face,
come here!

Fun baskets, $5.00.
Get your fun baskets!

$5.00

it's for
a really good cause.

Oh, hi, Morton.

Let me tell you a little bit about
today's fund-raiser.

I'm raising money
for a teacher

who's very, very sick.

[whispering]
He doesn't look good.

Oh... [sighs]
Thank you, Morton.

-You're good people.
-Thanks, Debbie.

Fun baskets.

[gasps] Hi, Pim.

My baskets are
really moving.

How much have
you raised?

Squat. Leave me alone.

[rooster crows]

Tomato pioneer
Ira Pickford

never did find the gold
he was looking for,

but he did find
another treasure--

red gold.

The pride of Pickford.

From this humble fruit
flows the most noble of meat sauces...

Ketchup.

This town was built
on the hard work and sweaty back

of a man with a dream.

So, let's get
to stompin', huh?

I thought you were
allergic to tomatoes.

Yeah.
I got my allergy shot last night.

Right.

All right, everyone, }
please remove your shoes and socks.

Uh, excuse me.

Is there a place
I can change?

Change?

We're just taking off
our shoes and socks.

Well, oddly enough,
for some of our shyer visitors,

we do have changing facilities.

Hey.

Hey there.

So, uh, you may have noticed

I'm acting
a little weird lately.

Now that you mention it...
A little.

Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

It's ok.

So... you're normal Phil again?

Heh. So normal it hurts.

Phil, you want to go
to the deep end?

No, I don't want
to go to the deep end.

I'm fine right here.

Thanks. Could you
just leave me alone for a minute? Ok?

Whatever, Phil.

Where's my toe?!

Excuse me,
I uh... Lost my wallet.

I swear, Phil Diffy
has more mood swings than my mother.

I mean, have you noticed that?

He's up, he's down.

If you want
to be his friend,

I'm telling you, strap in!

Eww!

Where's my toe?

Your attention, please.

Nobody move!
We've detected

a foreign article
in the slurry!

Oh!

[kids laughing, shouting]

[girl] It's on!

All right,
everybody out of the tub!

There's always
one bad tomato

in every batch.

You can explain it
to your principal!

Fun baskets, $5.00.

Get your fun baskets.

They're for a good cause.

Fun baskets!

Get your fun baskets!

Oh!

Oh, and right during
the biggest test of the semester!

Luckily I have
a sweet number 2 for sale.

Let's call it
6 bucks even.

[sighs]

-[whistle blows]
-Hi.

I couldn't help
but notice

you're getting smoked.

How 'bout a nice
scented candle

to lift your spirits?

-[thud]
-Unh.

That'll be 3.50.

Cheryl, I know you're
a little occupado right now,

but these never
need winding.

Don't rush.

Mr. Hackett,

I'm going
to say this quick,

otherwise I'm going
to start crying.

Her we go
with the tears.

[quietly]
Thank you.

We want you
to have this money.

It's $110.

My jar is $115.

So... this is wonderful.

Thank you.

Why on earth would you
be doing this?

Cut the hero act.

We know about
the operation.

-You do?
-Yes.

And we want you
to be brave

and know that
we support you.

I can see that.

Are you scared?

A little.

Thank you.

I love public service.

[Principal] All right,
Johnson, you're next.

Get in here!

Sometimes I dream I'm married

to Mr. Potatohead...

And we live
in a 2-bedroom condo

in Boca Raton, Florida.

What?!

And I want
to be a doctor,

but he wants me
to stay home

and take care
of our 5 spuds.

So...

Why are you telling me this?

Because it's my
deepest, darkest secret.

And because I know
what's going on.

I found this in the goop.

What?!

It's not--
it's not mine.

"Property of P. Diffy"?

Phil, so what?
You have 4 toes.

You don't have to
hide things from me.

Really?

Yeah.

You spent the last 3 days

lying and acting all weird

and throwing
tomatoes at me

just because of a...

Pinky toe?

It does feel
kinda good

toe get my toe off my chest.

[chuckles]

Phil, you're my best friend.

Just promise me
no more secrets.

You and I are on a...

100% honesty pact.

Deal?

Deal.

Wait. Uh, there's...

One more thing.

What is it?
Don't worry.

[sighs]

The reason I have
4 toes is because

where I'm from,
everyone does.

I grew up over 100 years from now.

I'm from the future.

I'm telling you, Maurice,

I am loved here.

The students are
standing in line

to hand me jars of money.

Which is, of course,
what allowed me

to upgrade to the 211.

Excuse us, Mr. Hackett,

but we wanted
to wish you good luck on--

what is growing out
of your head?

Wait a minute.
That's your operation?

I busted my hump

so you could get a wig?!

It's not a wig.

It's the Lorenzo Lamas.

Uh, no disrespect,
Mr. Hackett,

but I'm going to have
to give my money

to a needier charity.

Yeah. Ditto.

I'm giving mine
to the Pim Diffy needs

a high-definition TV foundation.

You disgust me.

Hey, wait a minute.

How am I supposed
to pay for this?

Hmm?

I mean, Maurice,
I can pay for this.

Just, you know, maybe
not all at once.

What are you doing?

Don't get quiet
on me, Maurice.

Don't leave!

Maurice?

I'm only 1/2 a Lamas.

So, we were
taking our vacation,

visiting the prehistoric era.

There were cavemen and dinosaurs,

but whatever, my dad
had to go back to work.

[sarcastic chuckle]

So, uh, we swung by
the French Revolution,

then headed for home.

But our time machine broke down,

so, uh, now we're stuck here

in your time.

According to my dad,

if the government found out,

we'd be captured...
Or worse.

Uh, if you can hear me,

can you nod or something?

Just...

[door opens]

[Principal] Ok, get in here, Diffy.

Your turn.

I just wanted
my best friend

to know the truth about me.

You told her what?!

Why?!

I had to. She told me
she has dreams

about being married
to Mr. Potatohead.

Look, it's Keely's
innermost secret.

When she told me that,

I realized that
it doesn't matter

what century you're from.

Real friends are truthful
with each other,

and I need a friend.

A real friend.

Phil! Phil! Phil!
Phil! Phil! Phil!

Phil! Phil! Phil!
Phil! Phil! Phil!

Phil! Phil! Phil!
Phil! Phil,

when this leaks out,

there's gonna be news reports
and a manhunt!

Before you know it,
they're going to be

busting down our door!

[gate rattling]

Marmalukes!

Do you hear that?
They're here!

Hey! Sorry about the racket.

Your gate sticks a bit.

Hey, I thought I heard
someone at the gate.

Oh, it's just me, Mrs. Diffy.

I never officially welcomed you
to the neighborhood.

Aw, thank you, Keely.

Although we do miss
Lawrence, Kansas,

geographical center of the nation.

Save it. Our son
spilled the beans.

I'll go pack.

Phil, I don't care
if you're from the future.

Or from Kansas...

Or some nut job
from... Nutsville.

It doesn't matter to me.

Whatever secrets you have,
they're safe with me.

Thank you.

It really means a lot to me.

It--it means a lot to us.

Phil, it looks like
your new friend

might want a ride home.

[whirring]

Really?

Be careful.

Oh, my gosh, Phil,

you really are
from the future.

It's a skyak.

Hop on.

[power surging]

Oh, honey,

remember our first
skyak ride?

I never had a skyak.

Phil, this is
a little scary.

Hold on.

Everything will be
just fine.

[phil chuckles]

That's right, Debbie--
the dust bowl,

which ripped
through the state

of Oklahoma.

Once a fertile land,
which was covered

in lush crops and fields,

the dust bowl left behind
a dry, barren wasteland

where nothing would grow.

[class laughing]

[laughter stops]

[laughter starts up]

[laughter stops]

Ok... enjoy.

[class laughing]

That's right.