01x16 - Age Before Beauty

[bunniefuu]

Does anyone know the answer?

Anyone?

[Whispering]
Phil...

Can I spray myself
a doughnut?

No.

I'm so hungry.

Please?

Fine. One.

[air whooshing]

[whispering]
Shake it.

Oh.

[inaudible]

So no one has any idea why the gal I went
out with last night

might have left
her sweater in my car?

Teslow!

Uh... she's forgetful?

That's very funny, Keely.
[laughing] No.

What it means is now Veronica
has an excuse to call me.

You see, even though we've only been going
out officially for 3 days--

well, call it a week,
she's nuts-o for me.

Oh, look at the time.

Better get a little
teaching in, huh?

OK, we--

[bell ringing]

Too late.

All right, uh,
don't forget--

this week your final
biology projects are due.

Diffy, Teslow,
you're up first tomorrow. You ready?

Mr. Hackett,
we're gonna rock your world.

Yeah. That should be nice.

Are you coming?

Uh, yeah. I'm gonna go talk to
Mr. Skeleton about eating between meals.

Yeah.

Well... if it isn't my sweet
little angel V-V-Veronica.

I had such a great time
last night.

Did you steal
my sweater?

No.

No, it's right here.

I knew it.

[crash]

Sorry.

So, uh, we still
on for tonight?

My mother said
you called her yesterday.

I may have called Beverly. Bev.

Couple times. Yeah.

Just trying
to figure out,

what are we doing
for Christmas?

Listen, I think
you're a nice guy,

but you're
scaring me.

[stammering]
Veronica...

You OK, Mr. Hackett?

Uh, no, Phil.
I haven't felt this low

since my wife ran away
with my therapist.

Do you think it's really over
between me and Veronica?

Oh, no--

it is.

It is over.
[sobbing]

No, it's not over.

Yes, it is.

It's over.

I do have class in
5 minutes, though.

[sobbing loudly]

OK.

It's not fair.

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from
The 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

-♪ So now he's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ 'Cause something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

-♪ So now he's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

For grafting
a plum and a lemon,

I think we should
call it... a plemon.

Why don't we just
call it dead?

Keely, why didn't
you water it?

I watered it.

Once.

Well, there goes
our semester grade.

Phil, you must have some sort of
super-duper future thing

that can zap it
back to life.

Keely, it's not
a good idea

just to zap away
our mistakes.

Wait a minute.

You can do it, can't you?

Please, Philly Willy?

All right, fine.

But you have to make
me one promise, OK?

Don't ever call me
Philly Willy again.

Deal. Philly Willy
off the table.

Just, uh, plant some of the seeds in the
soil, would you, Keel?

[beeping]

It's called the new ager.

It's pretty cool actually.

Let's say you have a banana
that's a little green.

You think it'll be ripe
in about a week.

So you just dial it in

and zap--ready to eat.

Can it make
things younger?

Younger, older...
It can do it all.

Here, check this out.
Step back.

Whoa!

That is stinkin' cool.

Phil, have you ever
used the new ager on yourself?

No. No, no,
I haven't.

But haven't you
ever wondered

what you'll be like
when you're older?

You could be really tall
or short and chunky.

Phil, you
might be bald.

No. Absolutely not.

You're not using
the new ager.

[sighs]
Come on, please?

Keely, this
is not a toy.

All right? Bad
things can happen

if you don't use it
for the right reason.

Oh, Phil.

I'm serious.

There was this one time

my dad was on a business call
with his boss,

and Pim was messing around
with the new ager.

Yes, boss.

Everything's on time,
under budget. Any questions?

No problem.
Great, great.

Pim!

Make sure that--
Diffy? Diffy?

[Keely laughing]

[Phil] It's not funny.
My dad got fired

because he told his
boss he made a poopy.

Is this some
kind of joke?

[cooing]

Can we please
get back to our project?

[sighs] Aye, aye,
captain buzz k*ll.

After an exhaustive
2-week investigation,

this reporter found that
our students averaged

10 sheets of toilet paper
per bathroom break.

So the next time you're
going crazy in the can,

think about all the trees you're
cutting down.

This is Lana Newman
sh**ting from the hip.

Next, our reviewers
Pim and Bradley.

Sorry, Lana.
I'm a 20-sheeter,

and I ain't changin'.

Nice.

Yesterday, Pim and I
had front row seats

to a one-man show entitled
They Call Me Hall Monitor.

It should be called
They Call Me Stink On A Stick.

You know what
your problem is, Pim?

Your idea of entertainment
is watching a bug zapper.

Well, at least I'm
bigger than a bug.

Ouch. Now, that's a zinger.

Tomorrow we'll be reviewing our new
cafeteria chef

Chef Dupre.

Ciao for now.

Don't listen to her.

Get a ticket
and see the show.

We're out of time.

That's a wrap!

Oh, yeah. I would
totally date me.

Uh...

Hello.

Hello, Philip Diffy.

Is that orange juice
for me?

Uh, no. It's for
a friend of mine.

Ah, you mean that little
cutie Keely Teslow.

The one who's
smart and funny

and one day gonna look
just like this.

[no audio]

No way. Keely, you
look incredible.

I can't believe you
took the new ager.

Phil, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to see
what I'd look like.

[groans]

But here, I've got it
right here.

You can zap me right
back to 14 right now.

Can you believe it?

-[giggles]
-[bell ringing]

[man] Diffy...

What are you doing
in the hall after the bell?

Well, nothing.
I just--

what happened
to you?

I went over to Veronica's
house last night.

She didn't even
open the door.

I fell asleep
on her front lawn,

then the sprinklers
woke me up at 5:00.

Sorry to hear that.

Oh, Phil,
you were wrong.

It is over.

[sobbing]
Over.

[sniffles]

Go, go, go,
go to class!

[stammering]
And you are...

Uh... um... uh...

Come on, come on.

Parent, sister,
teacher, what?

Yeah, yeah.
Uh, teacher.

Substitute teacher.

Oh, good.

Follow me.

I need you to cover
for me, OK?

I gotta get a shave
and pull my life together.

There's a lesson plan
in the bottom drawer of my desk.

Desi, what did I say?

I told you to give me these
in a dark alley.

Did you include the lifts?

Why was Desi
giving you new shoes?

These aren't new.

Um, see, I was
at his house,

and my feet were
k*lling me,

so I took 'em off
and left them there.

Oh, really?

Yes...

If you must know,

I have bunions.

You're sweatin', Bradley.

Maybe Desi gave you
those new shoes

after you gave
his stupid show a good review.

Pim, I'm only
gonna say this once.

Are you going
to hurt me?

Bradley, Bradley, Bradley.

Why didn't you tell me
we could take bribes?

[jingling]

Class, I am your new
substitute teacher.

[coughs]

My name is...

Miss...

Vander...

Hoosy.

Yeah. That's plenty.

OK, so, on today's
lesson dealy bopper,

it says that we're
doing semester projects,

and Phil Diffy,

you're on.

Uh, I have a partner.

Keely Teslow.
Ever heard of her?

About 5-foot tall,

a little flaky.

We're waiting.

[Whispering]
Right.

The plant is a
healthy specimen,

and the leaves are robust which
I attribute to--

what are you doing?

I made a paper clip necklace.

It's your reward
for the best report ever.

But I wasn't done.

Oh, that's OK.
We get the point.

Does anybody smell cabbage?

It's, uh, my new scalp wax.

El Tigre.

So, looks like
the kids love you.

Thanks for covering, Miss...

Vanderhoosy.

Oh, sure.
No problem.

OK, well, I'm outta here.

Phil...

[snickering]
Bye.

Your report was the b*mb!

[growls]

Uh, Miss Vanderhoosy,
wait up.

Oh, am I in trouble?

No. No, no, no.

I just wanted
to thank you again.

And, um, I thought that maybe if you
weren't doing anything,

uh, maybe we could get
a cup of coffee.

Oh, um, well--

Great. I'll meet you at the Cocoa Palace
after school, huh?

[stammering]
OK.

OK.

[sighs]

[whispering]
Yes.

[humming]

Oh, uh, will you
excuse me for a sec?

Ooh, sure, Phil.

You just take your time.

I got a date with an angel.

Keely, wait up a sec.

Oh, Phil.

Oh, you've got to try being
a teacher sometime.

Hold still.

It was so much fun.

Keely, we have a problem,
all right?

Mr. Hackett says he has
a date with an angel.

Phil, relax.
I'm not going on any date.

Mr. Hackett will never see
Miss Vanderhoosy again.

There.
Problem solved.

[chuckles]
It's not that simple.

He'll be crushed if
Miss Vanderhoosy doesn't show up.

Are you sure?

Owww!

The hack is back!

Uh, yeah.
Pretty sure.

See? I told you something
bad was gonna happen.

[crash]

It's all right.

I feel no pain.

We need a janitor
on this, please.

[sighs]
This is bad.

Really bad.

My first date ever is with an old guy
that smells like...

Cabbage.

Keely, don't
worry about it.

I've got a plan.

You do?

Here's the deal.

[sighs] You'll meet
Mr. Hackett,

and, uh, after some
small talk,

he'll ask you
out again.

Whoa. Ask me
out again?

How do you know?

I've seen you
all grown up.

Trust me.
He'll ask you out again.

So, uh, you'll tell him
about your boyfriend Blake Bastille.

He's a 30-year-old
professional baseball player

who's gonna stop
by The Cocoa Palace.

OK! But, who's this
Blake Bastille?

Thought you'd never ask.

You're lookin' at him.

That's a lot harder
than it looks.

OK, there's Chef Dupre.

Let's see how badly
he wants a good review.

Watch and learn.

Wait, uh...

What kind of bribe
we lookin' at?

Video games?

No. Too small.

A car?

Still too small.

Slow your roll, newbie.

One--never say bribe.

It's a donation.

Like I need lessons
from you.

Hey, guys!

Lana, what are you
doing here?

I'm doing an
investigative report

on the school's milk.

My sources tell me they might
be keeping it warm.

Too warm.

If you want
a scoop,

go to the
teachers' lounge.

ill*gal turtle races.

Go. Now.

Let's go milk
that Cajun cow.

[Cajun music playing]

[Cajun accent] I done cooked
in some of the finest schools

and prisons in Louisiana.

Everybody loves Chef Dupre's
blackened hot dogs,

blackened sloppy Joes,

blackened black-eyed peas--

uh, blackened?

I'm thinking burnt.

Or am I?

Break it down, farmer.

See, Chef Dupre,

our closed-circuit
review segment

reaches over 150 students.

In other words,
we wield a lot of power.

Well, good. So I can be
expectin' a nice review.

Of course.
There is just a matter of a donation.

A donation?

Oh, I could never
accept a donation

from a couple
of angels like y'all.

The donation's not for you.

It's for us.

I don't understand.

A bribe, fat head.

Money, cash, appliances.

I like your shoes.

I wear a size 3.

What is it
with you and shoes?

Oh, all kinds.
Ballet, tap, uh,

modern interpretive,
even a little bit of pantomime.

Uh, but my first love,
really? Ballroom dancing.

Wow. That is, like,
so totally interesting.

Yeah. I even went pro.

I toured with a group called
The Curtsies for 6 years.

We toured all over.
Canada, Arizona--

Hey! Me and my mom drove
to Arizona once.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

She totally wouldn't let me
touch the radio.

Ugh, moms.

Any-hoo! Ballroom
dance circuit

really wears you down
after a while, though.

It's late nights, bad food,

constant teasing,

so I decided
to become a teacher.

[laughing]
I was thinking,

you know, out of the frying pan
into the fire.

I really feel like we're
making a connection here.

Do you have any plans
for Christmas?

I do, um...

Uh, actually,
I'm spending it with my boyfriend.

Really?

Yeah.

Boyfriend.

Look, you don't have
to make up lies

if you don't want
to see me again.

No, no, no.
It's true.

His name is
Blake Bastille.

He's a baseball player.

Really?

In fact, there
he is over there.

Sweetie,
we're over here.

Blake is so cool.
You're gonna love him.

Hey, sweetheart.
What's shakin'?

Hi!

[gasps]
Yi yi.

Hit 2 homeruns today.
Called the game because of rain.

I'm--I'm sorry.
Homeruns? You?

Oh, yeah. There's nothing like

hittin' that cover
off the ball. Pow!

I am that rare combo
of power and speed.

You know what the older guys
on the team call me?

Hot wheels.
[laughing]

Hot wheels.
Hot wheels,

you got a little, um,

there's a little something
on your chin.

Why don't you take a look?

Are there older guys
on the team?

Aah! Um...

Yeah, older.
A little older.

A few months.

So...
[sighs]

I couldn't feel like
more of a loser.

What's the matter?

Well, no offense,
but if I'm losing you

to an old gasbag like him,

there's no hope for me.

Oh, no. Oh,
this is terrible.

[snoring]
I'm up. I'm up.

Hey! Where are
you going?

I'm going to get
a gallon of ice cream

and have myself
a good cry.

Oh, no, you're not.
Come back here.

Yes, sir.

Look, you seem
like a pretty nice guy

who's maybe had a little
bad luck

with a lady
named Veronica,

huh?
And a few other ladies lately?

Is it really that obvious?

Totally!

Oh! [gasps]

Your mouth fell out.

[laughing]
Yes.

I hate it when
that happens.

Yeah.

Look, why don't you just chill out?

I mean, you said
it yourself.

Miss Vander--
[stammering]

Hoosy.

Hoosy can go for an old
gasbag like me,

then there must be somebody out
there for you.

You really think so?

I know so.

[snoring]

All right.
Third base.

High fly!

Check.

What? Huh?

So, wrapping up
our review of chef dupre,

Pimsy and I finally
agree on something.

Take one bite of his blackened
sloppy Joe,

and you'll swear you're
in Louisiana.

[both] Chef dupre--
5 blackened stars. [giggling]

So join us tomorrow

as we review the Wells
Marching Band.

Say, Bradley,
don't you play the piccolo?

Why, yes, I do...

And I could sure
use a new one.

[laughter]

Thank you,
Pim and Bradley.

Another honest review,

which brings me
to my report today.

Recipe for corruption.

Reviewers should be
fair and honest.

But to get Pim and
Bradley fired up,

Chef Dupre had
to get shaken down.

Roll it, Dennis.

A bribe, fat head.

Money, cash, appliances.

I like your shoes.

I wear a size 3.

You thought I fell
for turtle races?

You should never lie to Lana.

[gasps]
He did it first.

I wanted to get
out of it,

but she kept
pulling me back in.

-Liar.
-Liar.

-Liar.
-Liar.

[both] Liar. Liar. Liar.

[bell ringing]

Doughnut?

No more spray
doughnuts for me.

In fact, I'm swearing off all
your future gadgets.

OK.

I should've
listened to you.

Keely, it's fine.
Everything turned out all right.

You don't know that for sure, Phil.

Hey, check it out.

I'll see you at 7:00?

Yes. 7:00, 7:30.
Whatever.

Be counting
the minutes.

Look, Veronica,
don't push it.

Hi, Mr. H. What's going on
with you and Veronica?

Ooh, not much.

Just taking it
nice and easy.

Hmm. Good idea.

You know, a wise old man
gave me some good advice.

Hmm.

But it's sort of
grown up stuff

you kids really
wouldn't understand.

[sighs]

Uh...

No, we wouldn't.

Someday.

When we're older?

Exactly.

In today's
"Where Are They Now segment?",

we catch up with lawbreakers

Pim Diffy and
Bradley Benjamin Farmer.

Roll it, Dennis.

[Bradley] This is
all your fault.

[Pim] No,
it's your fault.

You're selfish,
greedy, and pig-headed.

Well, at least I'm
taller than my broom.