02x09 - Mummy's Boy

[bunniefuu]

This field trip is gonna be so awesome.

I know. I mean, it's not every day

we get to interview a museum curator.

I know. Tell me what you think

of these hard-hitting questions.

[beep]

You call yourself a curator.

Well, what exactly is that?

She comes out swingin'.

You say your favorite
exhibit is the dinosaurs.

But last year you said
it was the whales.

Who got to you?!

A body blow.
The curator staggers.

One child... a child, sir,

said closing the museum
at 4:00 on Saturdays was too early.

Why do you hate children?!

See, Keely, these are
the kind of questions

that are gonna land our report

on every TV in pickford.

You mean...

That's right.

Public access television.

Oh, Phil, it's all
happening so fast.

What a team.

[sniffling] Sorry, kids.

Gotta cancel the field trip.

My chaperoning skills
are not at their peak of...

Power. Ah-choo!

Vice Principal Hackett.

Ohh. Mayday.

Ohh!

Ah-choo!

[groans]

Do you have anything for a cold?

Uh... cold what?

No, no, he's sick with a cold.

It's an illness of people
in this century.

- [Hackett coughing]
- Ooh! Do tell.

The interview with the curator

was going to be the biggest get
of my career.

Vice Principal Hackett, what if we found
a replacement chaperone?

I suppose.

As long as it's
a responsible adult.

Well, yeah, like maybe my dad?

Barb, do I really need
pants with this apron?

Must we go through this
every day? Yes!

Ooh!

Or how about my mom?

Are you kidding?

This may be my only opportunity

to nurse someone back to health
the old-fashioned way.

Ah-choo!

And to think I was just gonna bake
snickerdoodles today.

Ha ha ha ha!

Isn't there anyone else
who can chaperon?

Think, man, think!

- Hmm?
- Hey, bud.

What you doin' today?

It's snickerdoodle Thursday.

Heh heh.

Not anymore.

Mr. Hackett, what if
we found someone else to chaperon?

As long as he's old enough
to supervise children.

Oh... he's ancient.

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from
The 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

- ♪ So now it's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ But something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

- ♪ So now he's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

- ♪ Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

[Phil] Time to make Curtis the chaperone.

Stand back.
It's about to get pretty.

[buzzing]

Ehh...

Good. Ha ha.

[ripping]

Aaahhh! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!

[buzzing]

Well, what do you think?

I'd lose the glasses.

Lose the glasses.

Uhh...

Ehh... ehh... ha ha.

Well, he's one handsome jackrabbit.

All right. Let me go over
some field trip hand signals.

Ehh... this first
and last warning.

'Cause I'm the grownup,
that's why.

Johnny, fingers out of nose.

I mean it.

Ha ha ha!

Get over here, partner.

You saved the field trip.

Ehh...

Next time, shave Phil, hug Curtis.

Oh, come here.

No, no, too late.

[door opens]

[bell rings]

- [door slams]
- Good morning.

I am Ms. Mip.

Mr. Johnson
will be out this week

due to kneecap
reduction surgery,

so I will be your
substitute teacher today.

Yo, Pim.

It's a sub.

More meat for the beast, my friend.

Let's see...

Hmm.

Plan "b" looks good.

Fill me up, Dawkins.

Mama needs her go juice.

[mouthing words]

Honey, I've done an inventory

on the time engine.

We're missing
6 critical components.

If I could just find one,

I'm pretty sure
we'd only be missing 5.

[Hackett] Ah-choo!

Barb, we can't have
the vice principal

layin' around on our couch.

Give him the scan cure.
Make him healthy. Send him on home.

But, Lloyd,
this is the first time

I've seen a good old-fashioned disease
up close.

I need to research.

Ah-choo!

And he keeps firing
some sort of nose lava

all over the couch.

Snap it up.

Honey?

Whoa! Slippery.

Curtis miss ice age.

Hi, we're from H.G. Wells.

Welcome. You must be the chaperone.

'Cause I'm the grown up, that's why.

And the only reason
we didn't get busted

is because of
my ventriloquism skills

and knowledge of Chinese
street slang.

So what happened
to all the turtles?

Whoa! That's a whole
'nother story altogether.

And try not to
spread this around.

You know, I don't want
everyone to think

the new guy's
some sort of rebel!

Wow.

[speaks Chinese]

And now, students,
pay attention.

Please enjoy
your amazing journey

through the wonderful
world of papyrus...

The Internet of ancient Egypt.

But do not enjoy
the magnificent mummy exhibit,

which is currently in storage and
strictly off limits.

Now I leave you
in the capable hands

of your charming chaperone.

Remember... mummys off limits.

Museum fun.

I'll start her out with some of my old
fifth grade material...

Test her defenses,
probe for weaknesses.

My eyes!

My shimmering, lagoon-blue eyes!

Let's do this
as a walk and talk.

The story will
seem more dynamic.

Great idea, partner!

Oh, but don't sh**t my feet, ok?

These shoes don't look good
when they're moving.

Not a problem.

And I've got another idea.

What if, instead of interviewing
a boring old curator,

you interview his mummy?

Love it!

See what he was like as a child.

See what makes him tick.

Oh, wait! You mean
the off limits kind!

You said it, not me.

Phil Diffy, you're a genius.

[crash]

Speaking of geniuses,

I think my caveman
just fell down.

Thank you.

Oh. Nice.

I'm beginning to understand

why you guys are extinct.

Ehh!

Oog!

Whoog?

[animal sounds]

Ooh!

It can't be.

And here's a little something
for the kids at home.

No!

Dad, you're not gonna believe
what I found at the museum.

What are you wearing?

Oh, I'm helping your mother

with Vice Principal Hackett's cold.

[mom] We're losing him! Clear!

[machine beeps]

[Hackett] Can't a guy take a nap?

Dad, take a look at this.

Holy cow!

That's our missing
temporal pump valve

from the time engine.

It must have fallen off
the time machine

when we visited
prehistoric times.

You have got to get your hands on
that pump valve, Phil.

It puts us one step
closer to getting home.

The future of this family rests
on your shoulders.

[sighs]

No pressure.

Phil, there you are.

Keely, you'll never
believe what I found.

Come on, Phil. The curator's shampooing
the wooly mammoths.

Now's the time to sh**t
our exclusive mummy video.

I can't, Keel.

Look, when I came
to find Curtis, I...

Hey, guys! When are we going?

Here. Come on.

Phil?

I can't go.

What do you mean, you can't go?

This isn't just
some school assignment.

It's real
investigative journalism.

Plus, it's important to me.

Keely, remember when I told you about
the time engine

and how my dad was trying...

If you're worried about getting caught,
I guarantee we won't.

Yeah, Owen, it's what
I'm worried about.

I don't wanna break the rules.

Keely, I wouldn't abandon you if it
wasn't something big.

But, Phil, we're partners.

I can take Phil's place.

Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.

All right.

Let's go then.

Keely, I...

Don't worry about it.
Come on, Owen.

I mean, I wanna help Keely,

but I gotta put my family first.

Johnny, fingers out of nose.
I mean it.

I wonder what that says.

It says "keep out."

You can read that?

Of course.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do we do?

Look, I don't know about you,

but to me... Keep out just means
"come on in, you rascal."

Ooh.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Ooh!

[grunts]

Follow me.

Heh... heh heh.

Ooh. Ooh!

Ha ha ha. Jamka.

Ooh!

Ha.

Whatever you do... Don't move.

Awesome cobweb.

Whoo! That was close.

Too close.

Come on.

Don't move!

We'd better make sure there aren't any
more security traps.

Eee...

Heenameh!

Time for a little
short-range teleportation.

[beeps]

Ha ha!

Ooh!

Oog like Curtis now.

Bring it!

How do I look?

Perfect.

Ok. Ready in 3,

2...

If you're wondering why you don't
recognize this mummy,

it's because you've
never seen it before.

No one has. That's right.

I'm deep within the bowels
of the Pickford Natural History Museum.

You can see that these mummies
are really old.

How old? W-Well,
this reporter doesn't know,

but... [sniffs]
They smell really, really old.

I was hoping I wouldn't
have to break this out.

Pim, are you tripping?
The spitfire's only a prototype.

The test results
were inconclusive.

Get out of my way,

Dawkins!

Mip is goin' down.

Ha!

[Ms. Mip chortles]

Eew!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Come here, pretty boy.

Gimme some of that hair mousse.

Oh, Curtis trade hairy moose
for magic beans

many moons ago.

[squelch]

All right, pal.

Drop the valve...

And no one gets hurt.

All right. Looks like
we were never here.

[cat yowls]

Now it looks like we were here.

Curtis, help me out here.

Sound like work to me.

Just saying
Curtis help a lot today.

Never mind.

Whew.

[Phil] Close enough.

[alarm blares]

We've been caught!

Wait a minute... that's not us.

That's the mummy exhibit.

Keely!

Ok, let's just do one more take.

In 3, 2...

Hold up! You got
a, uh, runaway hair there.

I'll get it.

Hey!

You guys, we gotta get out of here.

Oh, now it's "we" again.

You triggered the alarms.
The curator's on his way here.

We gotta pack up and get out.

I'm on it!

I got it. Keely, grab the bag.

Anybody in here?

This area is strictly
off-limits.

Oh!

Darn mummies get me every time.

Not so much you guys.

More you guys.

[shudders]

You guys are ok.

Uh...

Permission to speak
freely, miss mip?

Granted.

Listen... I swore I would never say this
to a teacher,

but... you beat me.

Gettin' out of the game.

You know, Pim,
you remind me of myself

when I was a little prankster.

You?

Oh h* h* h* oh!

I pranked.

I would wake up in the morning,

and the first thing
I had to do was pull a prank.

But as much fun
as pulling a prank is,

foiling a prank is even better!

That's why I became
a substitute teacher.

[bell rings]

Ahh!

A new class.

A new chance to foil pranks.

[man over P.A.] Attention, will the owner
of a black monster truck

please move immediately?

You're parked on top of the environmental
club's car made out of vegetables.

Be right back.

Till I return...

Pim's in charge.

You...

Drop and give me 20!

Uh, nice form and all,

but I meant $20.

Man, this does feel good.

[no sound]

That's great stuff.

I can see it on public
access television now...

Mummies, unwrapped.

Tomb with a view!

Show me the mummy!

Come on, Keely,
I've got 100 of these,

and, well, the other
97 aren't as good.

Guess I'm not in
the laughing mood.

Seriously, though,
it looks great.

Yeah. Mr. Weatherock said it would be
a-plus material...

But sneaking into
the museum basement

makes it detention material.

You're lucky
you didn't go with us after all.

Keely, I'm really sorry
about what happened.

But... this is why
I couldn't go with you.

What's that?

It's a temporal pump valve
for the time machine.

I had to sneak into
the caveman exhibit to get it.

You snuck into
the caveman exhibit?

Wasn't that tough. I just had to walk
through liquefied glass,

dodge flying darts, teleport myself past
some laser beams,

and get out without tripping alarms.
No big.

Phil, that's amazing!

I'm sorry I didn't
have more faith in you.

I should have known you wouldn't
flake out on me

unless it was super-important.

Forget about it.

Partner?

Philly!

Philly cheese steak!

How you doing?

♪ Da da da doo doo ♪

- To the side and...
- [snap]

- [snap]
- Solid camera work.

Thanks! But, man, you missed out

on some prime
adventuring back there.

We almost brushed into
this awesome cobweb.

Big.

Oh, well... Guess some people can handle
adventure better than others.

[talking ancient language]