02x17 - Broadcast Blues

[bunniefuu]

Breaking news! 4 kids have gone home sick

after eating the low fat cinnapork muffins
this morning in the cafeteria.

Was it the pork... Was it the cinna...

Or was it the muffin?

[Hums "action news" music]
♪ Do do do-do-do-do-do do doo doo doo ♪

You'll find out
on Keely Teslow investigates.

I'm Keely Teslow.

No, you're not.

And that's nothing what I sound like.

Well, it will be

when you get your very own
investigative news show.

You mean Vice Principal Hackett
approved our request?

What changed his mind?

I think it was the tears.

I... I felt bad for you.

Plus, I... Accidentally stapled my thumb.

Anyway, he says
you're ready for prime time.

Prime time?

- You mean...
- That's right.

Between fifth period science

and special ed P.E.

I'm finally gonna do the kind of
hard-hitting stories

I've always wanted to!

What should we start with?

You've got the strange odor

coming from the janitor's closet...

The family of feral pigs who live in the
abandoned volleyball court...

Miss Tumbler's orthopedic pants.

They're all so hard-hitting.

I don't know what to pick first.

Pick a story, any story.

"Are cheerleader skirts too short?"

Brilliant. I'll get right on it.

Wait a minute!

These all say that!

Phil!

Huh?

Fine. We'll go with
the stinky janitor story.

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from
The 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

- ♪ So now it's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday Through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ 'Cause something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

- ♪ So now it's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

- ♪ Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

How do I look?

Highly custodial.

All right, let's try the mic.

[loudly] Testing, testing!

[feedback]

Pulitzer Prize. Pulitzer Prize.

Great.

You wanna know my undercover name?

You have an undercover name?

[gruff voice] Stu, the janitor.

Cool.

I was born in a tiny fishing community
just South of Canada.

You mean America?

All we had was a broom. It was my toy...

And my best friend.

Keely...

I called it The Sweepie.

No, Broomie. No, Broom-Broom.

What are you doing?

My undercover name has to come with
an undercover story.

What happens if we get caught
by the authorities?

Apparently, we bore them to death.

This is Keely Teslow,

undercover as Stu the janitor.

I'm heading down the hall toward the
janitor's supply closet

where I'll uncover the truth behind those
dirty mop water rumors.

[softly] Great. Excellent.

We are totally gonna blow the lid

off the janitor's dirty little secret!

Uh-oh.

[gasps]

Good afternoon. Ha ha.

Sorry.

I'm here deep inside
the janitor's supply closet.

School policy dictates... and I quote...

"water of both hot dog
and mop must be changed."

A lot.

But from the smell in here, I'd say the
only thing being changed...

Are the rules.

I'm so excited!

My first real investigative report.

That's right everybody's gonna love it!

Uh... news is on!

Check it out. Scandal being covered.

This is my first hard-hitting story,
and nobody cares!

Of course they care.

Hey, dirty mop water.
Good stuff. Come on!

I'll give you a dollar if you watch.

I don't get it. No one's watching.

Wanna know why?

'Cause all you're talking
about is dirty water.

Which is a real health hazard.

Please! Dirty mop water?

Oh, what's next...

ill*gal draining of the spit valves
in the band room?

That is so weird,

because my next undercover character
is Petunia Jones,

drooling diva of the drum and bugle corps.

[snoring]

W-Where am I? See my point?

Careful, Keely. Pim never has a point,
only an angle.

Here ya go, Ernie.
Get yourself a jawbreaker

while Princess and I have a little talk.

- Ernie?
- And walk slow.

Your audience is like a little kid...

If you want 'em to stay awake,
what do you feed 'em?

Hard-hitting stories?

No! Sugar.

Sounds to me like you're saying

I should only be doing puff pieces.

Wow. You are good.

The truth is, peaches,
the camera loves ya.

You got a pretty face.

Now all you need is some pretty news
to go with it.

Hey, Keely is more than
just a pretty face, ok?

She has a brain for facts
and a nose for news.

And a mouth for saying...

Facts and news.

Thank you, Phil. I want to be seen

as a responsible journalist

delivering real news, not puff pieces.

Besides, it was your first show.

And it could be your last.

Look, I got some ideas that might help.

If you're interested,
I'll be in woodshop till 2:30.

After that, you know where I live.

Here's my card.

"Pim Diffy, Producer." How does she print
these up so fast?

I don't get it.

How can people not find this riveting?

And now... Mop water
will no longer be black...

Just a yellowish brown.

This has been Keely Teslow investigates.

I enjoyed it.

Oh, hi, Keely. I'll get Phil.

Actually, I'm... Here to see Pim.

- Why? What'd she do to you?
- Nothing.

Lloyd! Get the checkbook.

No. Really.

Honey, whatever she broke,

injured, or humiliated,
we will take care of it.

Honestly, everything's fine.

Hey, what's with the hardball? Just
give me a round number.

Well...

Ah, Keely Teslow.

I had a feeling we'd be
running into each other.

Come on in.

Oh, and 2 teas with lemon.

The way I see it, you gotta keep things
nice and easy.

Your audience is made up of typical high
school students,

so you gotta keep things
at a third-grade level.

H-How do I do that?



You're the candy...

And my hard-hitting investigative report

on the cafeteria's
so-called "dolphin safe" lasagna

is the noise, hmm?

Very close.

I'm thinking more like a report on...

Scrunchers.

Scrunchers? Hair scrunchers?

They've... Kinda gone out of style.

And what happens to things that have been
out of style for a while?

They end up on Vice Principal Hackett?

And a few years after that?

They come back in style!

And that's your first show!

Now go home and get some rest.

Keely! Be careful! It's Pim!

Easy, Professor Panic. Sugarpuff and I

are just hashing out the framework for
her brand new show.

You're working with Pim.

She's got some great ideas, Phil.

And here's another one, bunny.

Go home and pick out something pretty
for tomorrow's show.

Thanks, Pim.

Ok, Pim. What's in this for you?

I'm just helping Keely
realize her full potential

while putting a smile
on the frowning face of humanity.

You know, Pim,

if you hold that innocent expression
much longer,

it could do permanent damage to your
facial muscles.

That's a risk I'm willing to take!

Dah!

And now, on a serious note...

Hair scrunchers... the silent accessory.

That was the serious note?

As you can see,

hair scrunchers are still
not only practical

but add a festive touch to any hairstyle.

It's like a party on your head!

You've got to be kidding me.

This reporter predicts that hair
scrunchers will be back in style

before you know it... just another reason
why life is prettier

in Keely's korner.

[news end music]

And that's a wrap! Great show, everybody.

Now, tell me,

what kind of hard-hitting
story ends with...

Life is prettier in Keely's Korner?

No one's gonna watch that.

[Pim] He's right.

I am?

He is?

They're not watching.

They're worshipping!

How's it feel to be a star?

[commotion]

It's never really been
about being a celebrity.

Keely!

It feels great!

And thanks to your hard-hitting report,

I unloaded 6 boxes of novelty
great hair products.

Wait. I thought you
wanted to be a journalist

to inform and to teach.

Phil, I'm still informing them.

Yeah, but not with real news.

No. But now it's about things they want to
be informed about.

And she's definitely
teaching them something.

[girl] I didn't know corner was spelled
with a "K".

See? Take as many pictures as you want.

They're $1.00 each.

Pim, I thought we...

Wow...

Is this all for my show?

Nothing but the best for Keely's Korner.

This is so cool!

I... I feel...

I feel...

[jazzy notes] ♪-♪♪!

Yes! Just like that.

Who is that?

That's Hector.

When things get slow, he jazzes 'em up.

Say something.

Like what?

[whimsical whistle] ♪...♪!

Thanks!

[toot-a toot-a]

Hector.

[synthesizer] ♪♪♪

Hector adds a little spice
to the Keely burger.

What are the folding chairs for?

Your live studio audience.

[overlapping chatter]

[woman] Look, there's Keely!

I have to admit, Pim... you really know how
to produce a show.

That's why I'm here.

Where's my desk?

What? And bury the money?

But I need a place for my papers.

You know, so I can do this:

[tinkling notes] ♪♪ ♪♪

We have a guy who does that for you now.
His name's Lemuel.

Starts Monday.

O... k, I guess.

What do you think about for today's show

we do a special segment on nurse Alasia?

You know, she turns 108 this week.

Great. We'll catch her next time around.

Today I got 2 words for ya:

Tube. Socks.

Tube socks?



Which is why today's segment is called

sock it to me.

Oh, b-but I...

Donny's got your copy.

All right, people. It's show time!

We're on in 5, 4,

you're fabulous, 2...

[cheers and applause]

[announcer] And now,

the coolest girl on campus,

the trendsetter go-getter

who looks great in a...

[Pim recorded] Tube sock.

Keeeeely Teslow!

Uh... thank you.

And welcome to Keely's Korner.

[bell jangling]

Tube socks are also great
for polishing your bike.

- [bicycle bell rings]
- [kids] Ah!

Holding loose change...

- [cash register dings]
- Ooh!

And girls, if you can't afford

moisturizing gloves,
nothing feels more soothing

than sliding your hand into a tube sock
full of lotion!

- Oh!
- Ah!

Pim's turning Keely
into one big infomercial.

[sound under music]

[loud cheers, applause]

[cheers, applause]

...the term umbrella skirt.

Oh, this would look great on you!

Look at your outfit. We'll...

And remember.

Life is prettier in...

[audience] Keely's Korner!

[cheers and applause]

And that's a wrap.

Ok, ladies, back on the truck.

Keely, let's go over tomorrow's lineup.

All right, move it. Move.

Let's move.

Hey, Phil, did you see the show?

Oh, sorry, Keel, no time to talk.

Fast-breaking story unfolding in the gym.

Supposedly, the tetherballs are
dangerously frayed and...

You know, I'm sorry. You don't...

Do this hard-hitting stuff anymore.

But I... I still...

I'll take care of it with the live remote.

Tune in if you can.

Yeah. If I get a chance.

[tinkling notes] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪

♪♪♪

[cow bell jangles]

Thank you, Hector. You can go now.

This is acting investigative
reporter Phil Diffy

filling in for Keely Teslow who's...

No longer doing hard-hitting journalism.

Because nobody was watching.

I'm now standing outside
the gym in question

where unconfirmed reports
tell us that it is locked.

[tries doorknob]

Those reports are now confirmed.

My lack of journalistic experience

prevents me from taking
the story any further.

So... I guess that's it.

There's another entrance
through the band room!

Haven't got a clue. Not an inkling.

All right, here's next week's schedule.

Monday, aluminum foil halter tops,

Tuesday, burger bun shoulder pads,

Wednesday, duct tape suspenders...

Pim, I know we don't
want to do hard-hitting news,

but couldn't we at least
do human interest pieces?

Let me tell you a story, kiddo.

Once upon a time,
there was this little lamb.

Along comes a farmer who gives the lamb
a hit TV show.

Are you talking about me?

No. I said lamb, didn't I?

Anyway, this lamb had a TV show
called Lamby's Corner.

Now lamby starts missing her old TV show
that nobody watched.

I get it. [Sighs]

I should be happy with my new show
because everybody's watching.

Pretty and smart. That's why I'm taking
you to the top.

As you can see...

We're still standing
outside the gymnasium.

Uh... Maybe someone

with more hard-hitting
journalistic experience

might know what to do.

[rattling doorknob again]

[whistles]

Or maybe a locksmith'll wander by.

Ohh!

So I will stand... Outside the gym...

As previously reported,

um... Hangin' out

outside the gym

waiting for something to happen so I can
bring it right to ya.

Waiting? Get in there and get the story!

Now, another reporter might...
Barge right in there,

but this reporter believes that good
things happen to those who wait.

So...

That's exactly what I plan on doing.

Luckily, I brought a...

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich,

carafe of cocoa...

Are you kidding me?!

This isn't how you handle
a scoop like this!

You have to confirm your facts, get in
there and get the story!

Otherwise people are just
looking at you standing here!

I thought you said this was a live remote.

Phil... What exactly is going on? Hmm?

Let me explain.

Did you stage this whole thing

just to show me that real journalism
is in my blood...

That this is the kind of story I should be
doing, not hair scrunchers

and tube socks and whatever else your
sister has me peddling?

Or are you just trying
to take over my job?

No, no, the first one!

Oh.

[girl] 20 seconds to air.

Why are you not wearing this?

I'm not doing aluminum foil
fashion segment.

I want to inform, not sell.

So I have a story I started that
I need to finish...

On dirty mop water.

Excuse me?

And we're on in 3, 2...

[music cue]

Hi! Welcome to Keely's Korner...

Of investigation.

I'm Keely Teslow.

A few days ago, I began a hard-hitting
report on dirty mop water.

Unfortunately, I left you with more
questions than answers.

But today, we're gonna fix that.

This reporter discovered

it wasn't the mop water or cleaning
solution that created the problem...

But rather faulty mops of the same quality

as the stuff I've been selling to you.

Didn't you learn
your lesson the first time?

Nobody watches those kind of stories.

Wanna bet?

They're watching.
They're watching my show.

But why are they watching now?

They didn't like my hard
news stories before.

It's because of the new look I gave you.

Pim's right.

- I am?
- She is?

You were undercover before.

The audience comes for the cute.

Isn't that a bad thing?

Maybe not.

Pim is right!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's back up.
I'm... I'm lost.

I come in with aluminum foil halter tops.

Let's start from there.

Who cares if they tune in because I'm
cute? I can't help that!

What I can help is what they learn
when they tune in.

And it's gonna be real news from now on.

Groovy!

Or some... Other encouraging expression.

Perhaps something from this decade.

And I want Phil to be my producer.

Ok, I'm caught up. You can't fire me.

I made you.

You're fired.

["sad" sound effect] ♪...♪...♪...

Hey! Hector...

I wanna show you something. Ha ha ha.

No, no. You won't need your keyboard.

[drums clang]

Welcome back.

It's good to be back.

We're... still on TV, aren't we?

[audience] Yeah!

[breathless exhale]

Ahem.

Hey.

Halter tops! Nice shiny halter tops!

As formerly seen on Keely's Korner!

Keeps your bread hot
and your fashion sense hotter!

[tinkling notes]

You call that buying music?

Even guys can wear 'em.

They keep you protected
from the depleting ozone layer.

Oh! Ha ha! My eyelashes!

Undercover as Stu the janitor.

I'm heading down the halls... aah!

[laughter]

Whoa!

[thud]

Aah!

You ok?

Ha ha ha ha.

[laughter]

Why are you laughing at me?

[laughter]

[man] Cut.