02x19 - Ill of the Future

[bunniefuu]

I like your shoes, Phil.

Why?

Did you fill them
full of peas again?

And your whole ensemble today
is really stylish.

Thank you?

What's your deal?

I don't know!

Suddenly I'm just appreciating
what a nice big brother you are.

Ohh!

- Dad!
- Dad!

Dad, Pim is being nice to me.

Pim, stop being nice
to your brother...

I can't help it.

Well, then, Phil,
whatever your doing

to make your sister be
nice to you, knock it off.

Anyone else thinking
it'd be nice to start the day with a hug?

How about you, Princess?

Phil, I'm scared.

Aah! Aah!

What could be better than giving

your baby sister a hug?

Let's see. Getting
my teeth drilled,

falling in broken glass,
licking a cactus.

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

I'm not finished.

Slamming my hand in a car door,
pouring salt into a paper cut,

wrestling a porcupine.

I'm done.

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from
The 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

- ♪ So now it's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday Through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ But something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

- ♪ So now he's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

- ♪ Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

Ohh, H.G. Wells, such
a warm, nurturing place

with just a hint of pine.

That's the stuff they hose
the place down with.

Will you cut it out?

Hey, Li'l Danny,
where you goin'?

I thought the rule was
to steer clear of you

until you had your morning juice
and newspaper.

That's right. Get away from me!

Ohh, come here, you!

What's wrong with her?

Don't take it too personally.

She just hugged a trashcan.

Oh!

I'm a nightmare of niceness!

Come here, Li'l Danny dumpling.

Curtis, could you please
eat with your...

Sweetheart!

Go away. I'm busy!

You seem a little different.

What's that, code for fat?

Wait a second.
That green patch of skin...

Pick, pick, pick!

Barb, you've got greenemia!

You know, that future disease
the Gronskys got?

I hate the way you say
your "G" words.

"Greenemia. Gronsky. Got."

Well, my love, greenemia
affects your behavior.

It turns your personality
upside down.

That's you. I mean, look at you!

You're... usually you're all sweet
and put together,

but now you're all-

now I'm what?!

A sparkling vision of all
that is spring time.

Kiss kiss.

Attention, youngsters!

Attention!

Time to brush the snooze chunks
from your eyes

as we enjoy the H.G. Wells
morning news.

Good morning, H.G. Wells.

This is Keely Teslow.

Here's what's happening
in your world.

Hmm. I can see why
Principal Tillywhack

would choose Ms. Teslow over me
for morning anchor,

but my ageism lawsuit
will continue.

Keely's lousy on TV.

[gasps]

Vote of confidence
noted, Mr. Diffy,

but what say we retract
those claws. Meow.

No, I mean, she's great.
I was kidding... lying.

I've got to stop talking.

It's just 33 hours and counting

until tomorrow's gridiron
grudge match

between the heroic
H.G. Wells Astronauts

and the repulsive
Handsometown Trolls.

Boo.

Achilles' real name is Oxsula.

I'm... I'm kidding.
No, it is... no, it's not.

I got to stop talking.

Now, I don't want to see anyone wearing
Handsometown green tomorrow.

It's time to show our support

by wearing our
school color skylab blue!

I know some of you are asking,
"can I wear periwinkle?"

No!

It's skylab blue!

For those of you
with summer complexions,

like Mr. Porter,

expect to look fabulous.
Hee hee.

Our school colors
look awful in any season.

Ha ha ha! For example...

[gasps]

Ooh, Diffy, I know
one person who's in need

of a spirit adjustment.

Ooh, and I've got a humdinger

of an assignment for you, too.

I want you to take
charge of decorating

the whole school
in peppy banners.

You know, rah, rah,
go, team, fun.

Slightly edgy stuff like that.

Mr. Hackett, I actually hope
that Handsometown

beats the crust out of us.

- [gasps]
- Yah!

What I'm trying to say is

that everyone knows that Handsometown is a
better school than H.G. Wells.

Even their vice principal
has a head of luscious wavy curls.

[all gasp]

Mr. Hackett, I totally
meant to say that!

Phil Diffy,

this is shocking!
But not surprising.

Your family is very high on my list of
Pickford's most suspicious.

And don't think
I haven't mentioned you

to my UFO watchers/
chili sampling club!

Humph!

Why did I lie to him?

Mr. Hackett, I'm not sorry! No!

I'm not sorry! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Ugh!

And now I'm pleased
to have an exclusive interview

with H.G. Wells starting quarterback
Bruno Longfellow.

Bruno, share with us your thoughts on
tomorrow's game

against those disgusting trolls.

Well, Keely, our scouts tell us
that Handsometown

will be playing at 110%.

That means if we play
at 111% or higher,

we'll win.

I can see you've done the math.

Oh, you bet we have.

We had the junior math squad
crunch the numbers.

Nice to see the jocks working together
with the intellectuals.

I'll say. We also use them
as tackling dummies.

Oh. OK. Um...
Thanks, Bruno. Great interview.

You're welcome, Keely, except now it's my
turn to ask you a question.

Tonight is the traditional
pregame team dinner.

Would you go with me?

As quarterback, I get
an extra side of slaw.

Um...

Oh, Bruno, I'm flattered,

and I do love slaw,

but, um... I'm going
to have to say no.

I understand, Keely. Ha ha.

There's no "I" in rejection.
Ha ha ha!

Actually, Bruno,
there... there is.

Um...

Yeah. Yeah, but it's at the end.

In the "tion" part,
not the "reject" part.

Ha ha ha!

Ah, she should've said yes.

Liar. You're a big liar.

Check it out, y'all.
That's right.

You know what you're seein'.

Ha ha ha.

Oh, that's cool.
Go pow-wow with your peeps.

Li'l "D" needs some me time.

Pim, something is wrong with us.

First of all, it's Li'l Pim.

And second of all, I know!

I can't stop being nice to him!

It's OK. You're really pretty
when you're nice.

Aah! The lies keep on
getting bigger!

What's happening to us?

Nothing.

No, I mean. I keep...
See, I keep ly... lehh.

I keep lylll... l... li-pppbbt-ha!

Telling the truth! Aaa! Uhh!

And I keep on
lo... [chokes] Loving.

Pim, whatever is wrong with us,
we do not need to stop it.

No, I mean, we do need to keep doing
whatever we're do...

I mean, you get it.

Not only do I get it...

I get it.

Ehh...

Oh. Whoa!

Whoa! Good.

OK, you dropped an egg there.

Whoa!

Hey, 2 points!

[communicator rings]

- Dad.
- Oh, hey, Phil. Hey, Pim.

Dad, there is
nothing wrong with us.

Great, 'cause I'm
a little busy here.

Actually, Dad, me and my
darling brother

have been behaving
totally out of character.

Turtles of titan!

You guys have green patches
on your arms?

Nope. Nothing.

I can see it on you.

Barb, the kids have
greenemia, too.

Why is it always about them?

[whiny voice] "I'm hungry. I'm sick."
Wah! Wah! Wah!

[crunch]

Your mother expresses her concern.

What the sweet butter is greenemia.

Well, it's a future disease.
It's not dangerous.

It affects your personality.

Changes it temporarily.

Phil, usually
a straight sh**ter,

now becomes a, well,
a despicable liar.

Ha! Excellent!

And, Pim, brace yourself.

You're now the daughter
every parent dreams of.

I love you, Daddy.

Wow, you really do have it bad.

But don't worry the disease,
it disappears

as quickly as it came,
and except for a few mild side effects,

like your entire body turning green,

not bad, really.

I can't wait.

Aren't people gonna notice
if we turn green?

Of course. You two need to get back home
before that happens

or there'll be questions
and investigations,

and you'll reveal we're from the future.
Now hurry!

[Barbara in low, fiendish voice]
Lloyd...

I should go.

Barb, put that down.

Thank goodness for my signature
layered look.

Right.

Oh, hey, guys. [Gasps]

Did you see my news broadcast?

Nope. And you should definitely

go out with that Bruno guy.

What did you say?

G... uh

[coughs] You shouldn't
turn Bruno down.

- Oh, boy.
- What?!

[gasps] Pim!

Face it, you need to
head on over to the trash can

and find your something.
Head on over.

Ha ha!

Look, Keely,
I'm feeling a little si...

Feeling a little siii...

Sssaaaay... yeah!

Ssss-sick. I'm feeling just great.

He's wonderful. A real gem.

Phil, did I make you mad
or something?

Yes.

Why? What'd I do?

N-N-Nnnnnn... everything.

So you're telling me
I should go out with Bruno?

No... doubt about it.

[meek gasp]

Then, OK.

Wait. No, no. Kee... k...

Phallov... hut... accthyaa!

Kee... [gasps]

Pim!

Going...

Go-going green!

Me, too?

Maybe we should hurry home

before our lovely
classmates see us.

- Oh, Bruno.
- Oh!

You painted yourselves
Handsometown green?!

Only because we love Handsometown.

You go to school here, right?

'Cause I copied
your test last week.

Handsometown, Handsometown,
you're what's cookin'...

Sizzle. Handsometown, Handsometown,

you're so good lookin'.

Everybody, now.
Handsometown, Handsometown,

you're what's cookin'.

Handsometown, Handsometown,
Handsometown, Handsometown,

you're so good lookin'.
You're so good lookin'.

As usual, something
about these so-called "The Diffys"

doesn't sit right with me.

Ooh, exposing their secret
could earn me

the elusive silver pheasant
in the UFO club.

[all shouting, jeering]

Enrique, cancel my afternoon facial.

I'll be busy getting to the bottom
of situation Diffy:

Crisis on campus.

[sinister chuckle]

[Pim cheering indistinctly]

Go back to Handsometown,
you traitor!

I love you! I love you all!

Even you, Gassy Gus.

- [door bursts open]
- [crowd shouting outside]

No one saw us,
the whole way home.

Except for that pack
of angry classmates

who followed us
all the way home.

Lovable hooligans.

Is there anything
we can do about this?

About what?
You guys aren't green.

Darling Poppy is fibbing.

He must have greenemia, too.

Great bromo Scott!

Is Mom OK?

Your mom also has gree-gree...

Grated cheese on her arms.
In the fridge.

[belch]

Salami... most fragrant
of the deli meats.

Look, Princess Perky...

Don't call me that.

I prefer Sunshiny Smiley Face.

[liquidy gag]

Everyone outside.
No, no, Lloyd, hold it together.

No one can leave the house.
I'm declaring a lockdown

until we've all recovered the couch.

No, no. No one can
leave the house.

There's a huge risk
of outsiders discovering

- we're not from the present.
- [telephone rings]

Don't worry,
I'll make something up

and throw 'em off our track.

[ring]

Hello. Diffy residence.

Vice-principal Hackett
here, Mr. Diffy,

calling on official Vice-Principalish
business.

What is going on
with Phil and Pim?

They're from the future,
and they're both not part monkey!

- That ought to fool him.
- [telephone rings]

Hello, Ridley's Pizza Parlor.
Ridley speaking.

Would you like to try
our garlic knobs?

[ding... washer on]

We're all allowed
to use the phone!

Dad, you've got to
ignore me, all right?

I've gotta find... lose Keely.

Some guy didn't ask her out,

and now I have to let them go.

Focus, Lloyd! Focus! Some guy...

No. Asked Keely out...

No!

And if you don't stop her,

they'll be on a date.

Aah! You're totally
missing the point!

Well, son, you know
I couldn't care less,

- but you can go.
- [locks door]

You've really
made me happy, Dad.

[rewinds video]

Will you go with me?

[rewinding]

Will you go with me?

[cell phone rings]

OK, Phil, are you gonna clue me in
on the joke now?

Keely. Keely, look,

my whole family is
really si... Si...

Really healthy.

Well, I'm, uh,
happy for you guys.

Look, about Bruno,
I definitely don't want you to

[stuttering]

Give up the chance to go with him.

[Lloyd] Phil?

Keely, look, my dad
isn't coming right now,

so don't listen to me.

Go with Bruno.
No, I mean, go with him. And... oh...

No. But, Dad, I...

[knock on door]

I forgot to leave your mic.

It would have been bad
if I wore that to practice.

A couple of the guys picked up
some colorful language

last summer at football camp
on Lake Foulmouth.

Uh, Bruno, I...
I changed my mind.

I will go with you tonight.

Really?!

Oh! Bruno scores!

It'll be fun.

It's gonna be sweet!

I'm gonna be eating steak with a girl!

Yeah!

Diffys, I demand a word with you.

Phil and Pim painted
themselves green today,

and then ditched school!

Uh, there's no one home, Hackett!

Oh.

Ooh!

A clever ruse,
but not clever enough

to fool this mid-level administrator.

Listen up, "the Diffys."

You are one suspect bunch.

[high-pitched French accent]
Uh, there is no one home!

I'm just a lonely French maid!

[normal voice] Uh, Marie, there's dust
on my armoire!

[French voice] Ooh!
Mr. Diffy! Sacre bleu!

When did you get home?!

[normal voice] Oh, you're right.

I... I'm not home!

Marie, you're fired!

This is one Pickfordian over whose eyes
the wool cannot be pulled.

And that has nothing to do with the fact
that I'm allergic to sheep

and sheep by-products.

I shall return!

And when I do,

I will uncover the truth
about you Diffys.

[French voice] Au revoir!

Adieu, mademoiselle.

The football team's
dinner has already started,

and Keely's there with some guy because
I told her to go.

How could life get any worse?

Well, now you look like
a seasick Billy goat.

What?

A beard!

This disease really stinks.

Wait a second.

I'm not lying.

You just insulted me.

You're right, freakshow.

Aah!

[knock on door]

Li'l Pim, I think it's time

I meet your parents!

Shove it through the slot!

Not the flowers!

OK, good! Now go away!

Oh... playing hard to get
again. That's cool.

Li'l Danny loves a good chase.

Dad, we're feeling better.

Hey, that's lousy.
And the beard's a sign

your greenimia
is getting bet-worse.

Maybe by tomorrow,
you'll already not be back to normal.

Right. Look, I've gotta go find Keely.

It's really important to me.

Mom! Dad!

Look, I know keeping our secret
is really important,

but I've gotta go find Keely.

I'll find a way to
explain my appearance.

[scoffing]

I can't let you leave.

But, Dad...

I love you, Dad.

Hate you, son!

I think I see some stubble.

That may have been there before.

[crash]

You OK, Barbara?

Fine. What's it to you?

[Hackett] The jig is up, Diffys!

I'm going to expose your
secret once and for all!

Soon, the entire world
will know...

Mommy!

Aah!

Aah! Ooh!

[giggling]

Men! Sally...

If I could dump
a giant cooler full of sports drink

on all of you right now,
I would.

[cheering]

Men! Men!

Sally...

It's now time for us to give our game
jerseys to our dates,

which they will wear at school
all day tomorrow.

So if you would...

Keely...

Would you wear this tomorrow?

Uh...

[Phil] No! No! No!

It's the Handsometown troll!

Now I see what you're up to.

A mascot battle!

[all] Yeah!

Stand back. This troll's mine!

Let the gladiatoring begin!

Leave her alone!

I was just... whoa!

Keely, look, I never wanted you
to go to this thing.

So why did you tell me I should?

Houston, we have a troll!

Whoa!

'Cause I was sick...

And?

The kind of sickness

only the Diffys can get.

Oh! Uh...

Bruno, I...

Yeah!

[all] Ooh!

Look, Keely,
it made me tell lies.

You have to believe I would never say
any of those things

if I weren't... whoa!

Aah ha ha!

I'm anti-gravity and anti-troll!

I believe you!

And you're doing great!

Give up, troll, or you'll
get the troll driver!

OK! OK! OK!
I give up! I give up!

Mighty H.G. Wells astronaut,
you win!

[cheering]

That was awesome.

And a good omen for the game!

[cheering]

Keely...

Will you wear this tomorrow?

Uh...

Bruno...

I gotta go with the troll.

I can't say I blame you.

He's adorable. Yeah.

It was the beard, wasn't it?

The beard on its own, not so much,

but when you add
the nickname Troll Boy

and green skin,

it's every girl's dream.

You all look fine.

But you were all green.

And you had a beard!

Were we? Were we really?

Or are you thinking
of yourself?!

Aah!

[whimpering]

Wow, that worked perfectly.

Now Hackett will be left
with many questions

and precious few answers.

Let's get this green paint
washed off him

before he wakes up again.

Use warm water.
And gently, honey!

He's such a sweet man.

I say we take his wallet and roll him
behind a bush.

[gasps]

Welcome back, honey.

And no, we're not doing that.